This Cross I Embrace

My First Baby

2012-01-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

The talk with MIL went extremely well! She was very open, and was already very understanding - as was suggested by Suzie-Q in the last post's comments, she did sympathize with my situation when planning, and just didn't want to intentionally "leave me out" of anything. She was so receptive, in fact, that she began crying when I was talking about the 5 stages of infertility well before I ever did ;) When I was telling polkadot about the talk, I said there was a certain point when I did "lose it." MIL was telling me that she realized how painful this must be for me, and that it really struck her how painful it also is for DH when earlier this week, he told her that he just couldn't set up the crib. (At first, I didn't know what she meant by "THE crib." I was thinking, Why on earth would he be setting up a crib when we're not even pregnant??) But then she saw my bewildered expression and elaborated, "SIL had asked for his help to set up the crib, and he apologized and said he just couldn't handle it."

And that's when I lost it. Because, this was the first time I was hearing about this. And I know DH didn't tell me about this for a reason. Talk about breaking my heart.

I went on to tell polkadot that I was so impressed that I was able to cry in front of her, and by the end of the talk, I had shed at least 2 tears. She looked at me through her own bloodshot, tear-filled eyes and said, "You shed two tears??"
"Yes! That's huge for me!"
"Well... good for you shedding two tears..." responded my Phlegmatic friend ;)

So, it was great. The shower was not really even mentioned specifically. I did say that I wanted her to know that past or future events that corresponded with extremely difficult hormonally-charged days for me were avoided for this reason. I said it didn't matter if it was a child's birthday or a bachelor party, if it was cycle day 1, I probably would not be in the mood to attend ;) We shared a laugh about that.

And in other news, I am tickled pink to announce that IN MY HOUSE was created my very first baby...

I think it looks just like his father.

And here I thought I was barren ;) I MADE A BABY!!!!!!

OK, off to watch the Giants (who I only "really" watch in the play-offs, I must admit.) Thanks for all your prayers on Friday, they helped calm me down. I was literally making myself sick to my stomach thinking about getting so emotional in front of MIL... so silly of me!

A Dreaded Talk

2012-01-20T09:25:00.001-05:00

Today I will have a dreaded talk with my MIL (mother-in-law).

Let me back up. About two weeks ago, I received a text from MIL in regards to my oldest SIL (sister-in-law)'s baby shower.

This is not the type of pregnancy a Catholic woman would want to celebrate under normal conditions. Add to it the incessant pain of infertility and childlessness, and it becomes the last place on earth that Catholic woman would want to be.

So, when I received the text message, I already knew in my heart that this shower would be approaching and that my personal decision was to try to go, as long as on that day, I felt up to going. I am not looking for a way out. I could come up with a million excuses, not to mention, I may in fact have to work that day... this is not the point. I don't need an "out." I need understanding.

But I am far from having it.

The text at first glance appeared to be loving and considerate. It asked for days in late January and through February when I would be away, so that when they set the date for the shower, I could be there. I'm sure I was reading a bit too much into it, but when I thought about it more... I got a little angry. You see, when it comes to an infertile family member, what is REAL consideration? Asking them for dates when they will be around, so that when you have a baby shower, they will have no excuse not to be there??

This MIL is the one who read an entire book on Infertility (a gift from her sister for her birthday last year) and passed it along to me afterwards, telling me she understood so much better now what we were going through.

But does she?

I responded simply for her not to plan the party date around me, and that while I would certainly try to attend, I never know on any given weekend if I will be working until the day before (the truth). She left the matter alone.

But then my other SIL began texting, asking if such-and-such date worked for me, and if I received the invitation on email, etc. etc. I ignored those texts when I realized I first have to speak with my MIL.

I've realized, as I spoke to my Mom on the phone a couple weeks ago, that I do not let ANYONE see how infertility affects me. I write about it here, yes. I don't hold anything back when it comes to by blog. But the beauty of a blog is that it is anonymous. Oh, I don't mean that no one knows who I "really" am, because at this point, I think most of my readers have seen me, met me, and know me in real life. What I mean is that I am writing my emotions here... I am not showing them in the flesh. And maybe it's the Choleric in me that feels it is a weakness to show my emotions to the outside world, really show them. Rationally, I also understand that I cannot truly FEEL how I feel physically and simultaneously function from day to day at my job, at my home, and anywhere else.

This is the face I show to the world. I do not break down and cry with my infertility Creighton Model clients. I do not break down and cry during an ultrasound when the patient's ovulation was less-than-ideal. I do not break down and cry when a couple believes they are pregnant after years and years of trying, only to find out the labs show otherwise.

But while I stay strong outwardly, I am dying inwardly.

I think I have made such a resolve to staying strong (again, for self-preservation) that no one, my own mother included, is aware of how much pain I am in.

And now getting back to my MIL and the dreaded talk.

I've come to the conclusion that, no matter what happens with the shower (if I go, if I leave early, if I cannot go)... MIL needs to be "let in" to see how infertility actually affects me.

Let me tell you... I am TRULY not looking forward to this, but I know I have to do it.

Generally when I speak about infertility, even my own, I do it very matter-of-factly. "Each month that I get my period is like a miscarriage of hope, faith, and peace. I mourn the loss of what might have been my child, had God only granted the desires of my heart... but I also mourn the loss of heaven because I begin to doubt that I will ever get there knowing I wouldn't even be a mommy there."

I could say those words to any size group of people, and educate them about what infertility feels like. I would do it stoically, and at the end of the day, audience members may even wonder if I myself am infertile or if I'm just the "spokeswoman" for infertility.

But this afternoon... will not be that kind of talk.

I will need to feel the words I say. I will need to speak from my heart, not my head. It will be the same words, but a totally different conversation.

I'd better bring some tissues.

So Much to Say

2012-01-16T08:53:00.002-05:00

Time flies when you're childless.

I keep meaning to sit down and write a blog post, but things just keep coming up. Sorry to leave you all hanging (I'm sure you were all holding your breath waiting for an update ;) )

DH was in the ER on Friday. He was having chest pains since late Wednesday, and made a cardiology appointment for Friday morning. It got "better" enough for him to not go immediately to the hospital, but then it got bad again on Thursday night. He actually started saying his goodbyes to me as he tucked me into bed Thursday. I didn't mean to laugh, but... it was kinda funny ;) He didn't die (obviously) and went to the appointment on Friday, and the cardiologist suspected pericarditis, an inflammation around the heart due to a virus. He scheduled DH for an echocardiogram Tuesday and sent him home with a prescription for Motrin.

On his way home, a car cut him off and his father (who was driving) had to stop short. This caused increased pain, and DH called the cardiologist who told him to return to the ER, and get further testing. This in turn caused TCIE to get a little worried. After several hours waiting for the labs and chest x-ray results to come back, we got the news that there was no need to stay at the hospital, that everything looked ok, and it was, again, likely pericarditis which would be helped with his Motrin prescription.

Crazy day. While I was definitely worried, I did also feel a strong sense of peace during the whole thing. That is not usually the way I react to things, so I'm thinking that my prayer life has led me to a place of greater trust. For that, I have infertility to thank.

I've been thinking a lot about how much our infertility has done for us. I can't help but think that I need to be more grateful for this gift God has given us - the chance to do His will, even if we don't understand it, and to bring light out of darkness. I've gone to so many shrines, asked so many Saints for their intercession, prayed so many Novenas... thinking that the answer to our prayer is "just around the corner," when in actuality, we are living the answer. Have I ever thanked the Saints? Thanked God?

The readings at Mass this week were, as usual, so intricately linked to our present struggles. It was another reminder that when God calls us, we need to answer that call and live it out. I am SO THANKFUL that He has called me to this life - this life of struggle, of pain, of sorrow - and has given me the opportunity to do His will through the cross.

It really hit home during the Presentation of the Gifts, when the congregation sang "The Summons." As I texted All You Who Hope late last night, I immediately recollected her blog post years ago about this very song, and how appropriate it is to any cross, particulary infertility with its intrinsic humility-factor. I completely lost it trying to sing the fourth verse:

"Will you love the 'you' you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?"

I don't usually make resolutions. But I know in my heart that I need to live these words. I've been working so hard, living out the 3rd and 4th line - using my infertility and my struggles to reach out and help those around me, letting God use me as He sees fit. It's the 1st and 2nd line of this verse that caused me to choke up and have no voice.

Will you love the you you hide...? I've shown my humiliation, I've revealed it to the outside world... but that's not enough. I need to love what humiliates me so.* Every part of it. Because it is a part of the body of Christ. In our weakness we are made perfect.

Will you quell the fear inside...? Fear. It seems to be built into every fiber of this journey of childlessness. Fear of the diagnosis. Fear of the treatment not working. Fear of not being able to adopt. Fear of how long it's going to take. Fear of the unknown.

But He has called my name. And so I must respond by loving, and trusting without fear.

Thank you, almighty God and Father, for allowing me to continue learning and growing in faith through this cross.

* Here was my original comment on AYWH's blog post. I went back and read the comments after writing this post, and it's funny how even back then, I knew what I had to do...

"Wow, I haven't sung that since HS... and the words probably meant nothing to me, then!

I especially like the part, "Will you love the 'you' you hide if I but call your name?" I think the me I hide is the infertile me, not infertile in the can't get pg sense, but all aspects- not able to do things I think I should be able to do. I do not love that me.

But God is calling me to love that me."

Interesting ;)

The Gift of Hope

2012-01-06T08:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I received a beautiful gift from a beautiful new friend.

About two months ago, I performed an ultrasound on an older patient who loved to talk. We'll call her "T." Right off the bat I could tell T was fiercely Catholic, and loved being a patient at our office. She told me all about herself and asked all about me; we discussed where we grew up, our careers, our Catholic faith... even a little politics. The exam, which would have taken about 30 minutes start to finish, ended up taking 45.

While I was about to step out of the room, T asked me if there was anything she could do for me, specifically, if there was anything she could pray for on my behalf. I paused a moment (since this was one of the first ultrasounds I had performed without my infertility coming up as a topic of discussion), and decided, what the heck? If she's offering...

So I said, "Sure. If you could please pray that my husband and I will be able to conceive. We've been trying over 5 years."

T sympathetically assured me of her prayers, and began asking if I had heard of/prayed for the intercession of various Saints, including St. Anthony (who I only this year discovered is a patron for infertility). I told her that we had done every Novena to every Saint known to man :) She then told me a story of her relative, who married a woman from Mexico, and how they tried for years and years, only later to adopt several children. She said that while she would certainly pray for me to conceive, that I should always be open to "other options" of growing my family, because God may call me to one of them someday. I nodded and smiled. They're the stories all well-meaning people tell, to make the barren woman feel better. I knew she meant no harm. But I also knew that it did no good to propagate a myth.

So I responded, "That is beautiful. But, while we would love to adopt, we already pursued it and were told that we could not."

T's face dropped. She felt horrible, I could tell. She again assured me of her prayers, asked my husband's name, and thanked me for being so kind to her during her exam.

T returned a couple of weeks later, for a procedure which the Dr performed with ultrasound guidance. During the procedure, T spoke to me about Our Lady of Guadalupe, and all of the wonderful stories surrounding the image on the famous tilma. After the procedure, she told me that she had emailed a priest up in the northeast who has a traveling image of Our Lady, and she told him about me and my husband. She said she hoped I didn't mind, but she was on a mission :) I told her of course I didn't mind! She said she had not received a reply yet, and that she hoped the priest didn't think she was some crazy lunatic ;)

The holidays passed, and with it, the end of my last "actively trying to conceive" cycle, which came to a screeching halt on Christmas Day. I got through it, by the grace of God, and enjoyed a light work week between Christmas and New Year's.

This past Tuesday, our center received a call from T, who asked if I would be in the following morning, because she wanted to bring me something. The receptionist told her that I would be here.

When T arrived, I brought her back to the consult room that I use in the mornings. She handed me an envelope with a card inside. As I opened the card, I saw two scapulars. T told me that the scapulars were from Mexico City, from the Our Lady of Guadalupe shrine, and were touched to the wall underneath the image of Our Lady... on December 24th, 2011.

It took all my strength to not cry as I held those scapulars. I was at work, after all - with patients waiting for me right down the hall.

I listened as T told me that her relative and his wife were there on Christmas Eve and sent these scapulars back to T, since she had requested them for a special purpose.
I hardly knew how to respond aside from thanking her again and again, and giving her a hug, and offering to return the prayers.

On the Eve of the birth of the child Jesus, and on the Eve of the start of my period - I was being prayed for at the feet of Our Lady of Guadalupe. In this one moment in time, when so much hope was alive in my heart, in celebration of Our Savior's imminent birth, and the possibility of a miracle pregnancy in my own womb... Our Lady was holding me close to her heart. And she knew that the following day would crash down around me, extinguishing my dreams, washing away my hope of motherhood, but that Jesus - Jesus would still be there.

And it was that hope which she wanted me to hold onto. The hope of Christ, continually working in my life, continually growing in my heart.

I am overwhelmed.

222 - Exactly Where I'm Meant to Be

2012-01-02T19:19:00.000-05:00

So, after making my decision to stop "trying" to conceive (quotations, as I've explained before, necessary due to the fact that obviously since I have ovaries and my husband has sperm, the chance is always there to conceive, unless we stopped having sex altogether), I had tons of emotions zipping through my head. Like I said, it's not like I can put my intense desire for a family on a shelf, or bury it under the cold winter ground. Pregnancy announcements still hurt, as do adoption announcements. I've received some amazing emails and messages from fellow childless women who reached a similar place in their journeys, and I know I'm not alone. (Thank you.)

So, I discussed all of this with a co-worker/friend last week, after I finally got my period and realized that yes, this decision was being put into place. We always have such wonderful discussions, and she was very supportive of me. I left work and went to the health food store for groceries for the week. I wound up getting a ton of stuff, and the bill came to $222.34. When I saw the total, I told the cashier, "Hmph. That's gotta be good luck,right?" She reached down under the counter and pulled out a book, gave it to me, and said, "I don't know- but you can look it up!" The cover of the book said something about Angels and Numbers. So, I leafed through to the number "222."

It said: "Trust that you are exactly where you're meant to be. Let go and have faith."

After paying the bill and loading up the car, I immediately texted my co-worker to let her know about this amazing God-incidence. She actually had to remind me that the address of our NaPro Center is ALSO 222 ;)

I knew when I made the decision that fear aside, there was a peace within it. But it's always nice to have confirmation that you're doing the right thing.

Now... what in the world am I going to do with myself in 2012??? Any ideas? ;)

At A Loss

2011-12-31T22:28:00.000-05:00

It's New Year's Eve.

More than any other time during the year, a day of reflection and planning ahead.

But tonight, I choose to do neither.

You see, reflecting does me no good. It wouldn't take a long time of reflecting on 2011 for me to slip into a self-induced depression. In the past, I've tried putting a positive spin on each horrible event from the year... but it's for naught. God entrusted me with these crosses not so that I could turn them into pretty ornaments... but so that I could carry them. No positive spin. Just truth.

And planning ahead for 2012? Futile. For the past 5 1/2 years I have mapped out the way I intended my life to be. When I came to a road block, I didn't just choose an alternate route, I mapped out the entire trip based on that alternate route. And I repeated this pattern again and again and again until I finally looked up from that map to see that I had missed the entire trip to this point. So in 2012, I'm turning on God's GPS, and I will drive until He tells me to take the next turn.

I am sorrowful. That is probably evident to most of you. But by not projecting my reflections from previous years into my future... I can try to live in the present moment, accept the sorrow I feel currently, and not let it become a self-pity that consumes me.

This cross I embrace... and this sorrow, I accept.

A healthy and blessed New Year to all of you.

Patron Saint 2012

2011-12-30T11:16:00.000-05:00

For those who have been following my blog for awhile, you'll remember that in November or December each year, I always get very excited about getting "assigned" a Patron Saint for the upcoming calendar year. A Patron Saint will be that special go-to friend in heaven, to help you intercede and petition God on your behalf. Two years ago, I was given the name of St Raphael, one of the Archangels, and it was amazingly appropriate. You can read about that here.

Last year, I was given St Eugene de Mazenod, a Saint I was unfamiliar with up to that point. He has been a good friend this year, particularly as I battled the demons attacking my marriage. Ironically, he is the patron Saint for dysfunctional families, and you may remember how funny I found that to be at the time ;)

This year, unfortunately, the wonderful lady who used to pick the Saints for us has closed her blog. But I was able to find a link on another site:

http://www.jenniferfulwiler.com/saints/

Here, you can say a quick prayer before pressing the button, and assign yourself a Patron Saint for the new year!

So, I did. Said a prayer, asked that God lead me to just the right Saint for 2012, and here's what I got:

St. George

Patronage: Against Herpes; Against Plague; Against Skin Diseases; Against Skin Rashes; Against Syphilis; Agricultural Workers; Archers; Boy Scouts; Butchers; Cavalry; Chivalry; Equestrians; Farmers; Field Workers; Knights; Lepers; Palestinian Christians; Saddlers; Sheep; Shepherds; Soldiers

Yes. Take that herpes and syphilis! Your powers will have no effect on ME in 2012!

Awesome.

:)

Surviving on Prayer Alone

2011-12-27T09:39:00.001-05:00

I had an appointment with my NaPro Dr last week. Very possibly my last NaPro appointment ever. I knew it going in.

I'm not usually an emotional person in front of other people, unless they are very close friends and I feel really comfortable with them. Even then, it's rare for me to cry in front of them. I usually don't even cry in front of my mother. I reserve it all for my poor husband ;)

But last week was an exception. Without warning, I burst into tears at least three times while discussing plans for stopping all supplementation and meds and everything connected to trying to conceive. I started out by saying, "Well, DH and I have discussed that since I am now over 18 months since my last surgery, there is little to no chance of my conceiving, so..." and it was while admitting that fact aloud that I first broke down. Those words have echoed in my head over and over again "little to no chance..." but actually saying them out loud gave them a new meaning that I couldn't ignore.

As my Dr and husband discussed that "giving up" for now does not and need not mean "giving up" forever, I interrupted to say that no, on the contrary, I am an All or Nothing person, who needs to at least assume for now that my trying to conceive days are over. For good. I cannot function knowing that the "clock is ticking down" on the 6 months, or the year, or the 2 years until we try again. The pain of these past 5 1/2 years has been absolutely immense. My Dr nodded, and told us, "OK. Let's look at it this way. Some people need to have a deadline in mind. But others need to just live and operate in the present moment. Just remember that God has something planned for you, and be open to whatever His plan may be over the next several years." That I can live with.

But I also mentioned that my putting TTC on the shelf and burying it way in the back behind everything visible does not mean I will also be (nor that I could if I wanted to) likewise burying my desire for a life that is not my own. I just cannot ignore this intense desire for motherhood. I cannot push it into the background. I cannot bury it deep under the surface. And I will not pray for it to be taken from me. This is the cross God chose for me. I once believed myself to be carrying this cross of childlessness to my destination of motherhood. Now I know I am carrying it in whatever direction God intends, and ultimately, towards my salvation.

I won't lie. This is one of the scariest moments of my life. To know that, with ALL that I have done to improve my fertility over the past 5 years of NaPro Technology, Reproductive Endocrinology, Reproductive Immunology, and alternative therapies... nothing has worked. And now? Now I venture into a world of doing absolutely nothing, but praying. Praying that God make His will known to me, that one day He may fulfill my desire for motherhood, and that above all, He grant me an everlasting peace I so long for. Because I know... I know I cannot survive in this pain much longer.

After my P+8 labs showed a progesterone level of 10.4, on P+14 when my period had still not arrived, I became worried. Shouldn't my progesterone have decreased to about 3 or less 5 days later?? My Dr recommended a blood test when a urine test that evening in the office showed a BFN. The next day, still no period on P+15, and my blood hCG was negative... my progesterone was 8.8. WHAT? From 10.4 to 8.8 in FIVE DAYS???
I waited. And waited. I began spotting brown that evening. It continued, but got lighter, for the next two days. Christmas Eve, it was barely there. I had already made my peace with not being pregnant in my last "trying to conceive" cycle, but now I was worried that maybe, just maybe, I had a late implantation??? Christmas morning I woke up to complete dryness. No spotting, not staining, nothing. We went to Mass, I prayed feverishly in front of the Saints that flanked us when we got married 5 1/2 years ago in the same church: Saint Rita and Saint Anthony. I prayed that our miracle of life was inside my womb at that moment. We arrived back at my parents' house after Mass, I visited the restroom, and was still dry. I began to realize, here I was on P+18, having taken no progesterone or hCG... should I test today, or wait until tomorrow?? Was this really it??!!

For good measure, I wiped one more time before getting up. Red. Period. Death of the dream. Death of my hope. Death of my peace.

Christmas afternoon.

The following day, I suffered a migraine. Luckily, I caught it early enough that I didn't vomit or pass out. These are the things that I consider myself "lucky" about these days. Praise God! I didn't puke or faint!

And here I sit. Cycle day 3. Or is it 4? It doesn't matter anymore, since I'm not charting. Or caring. I only want to find peace in where God leads me next.

My anger with Him is subsiding. I know He is not punishing me. (Though, it was hard to convince myself that after the whole Christmas P+18 episode.) I know He has wonderful things in store for me. I know there is a reason and a purpose for my suffering. But lately, it seems that the suffering is getting greater and greater, and there is less and less understanding within it. My trust in His plan is wavering. I am scared to death.

A childless life. Something I never, ever planned for. And because I was planning for children, perhaps I missed so many lessons and blessings these past 5 1/2 years. My life HAS BEEN childless this entire time. And it very well may be, forever. I need to begin planning for THAT life. Scratch that. I need to begin... LIVING that life.

Surviving on prayer and prayer alone.

As my husband put it in the Dr's appointment, we could stop trying to have children while knowing that we literally did EVERYTHING possible within our moral and ethical ground. My Dr agreed that of everyone she has ever encountered, we had done the most. This brought comfort to my husband. It brought me fear and distrust. If we would ever be blessed with a miracle child, it would have been with treatment. "Maintenance" meds that help treat all of my plethora of health issues, while simultaneously improving my fertility... this has helped others to conceive when they thought there was "no hope." I'm not on ANY of my prescribed maintenance meds. Zero. Nada. Just me and my broken body. Hoping against logic and against science that God's will can move mountains.

Surviving on prayer alone.

I will always hope and pray that children may be a part of His will for my life. But I'm done fighting tooth to nail to get it. Obviously, it has not been a part of His will up until now, and it may not ever be. There is a great peace about stopping all intervention and maintenance meds... and with prayer, that peace may wash over the fear that comes with the unknown.

I wish you all a very blessed Christmas Season, and hope that you find love and peace in 2012 and beyond.

PS, my Prayer Buddy was Monica from His Essence is Love. Monica, I prayed for you in the chapel at my work, I offered my daily rosary for your intentions, and entered your name in the book of intentions. I prayed for your specific intentions, but I also added my own - I asked that you would have a quick and easy load to carry to your baby... but that if His will was for a longer, harder road, that He give you ALL of the strength and perseverance needed to carry that cross. May God grant you all the hopes and desires of your heart, Monica!

Stress and Sadness... and Blessings

2011-12-20T07:48:00.000-05:00

Things have been spiraling out of control around here. Everything, from work, to infertility, to finances, to friends and family... the one thing holding fast is our marriage. By the grace of God, despite the warnings that Advent would put us through the wringer, we are stronger than ever. Prayer Buddy, don't think I don't realize how much you must be praying your little TAIL off!! Thank you!

But then this leads me back to all the other areas - mostly work, and infertility. I have had the worst work week of my life last week, working through the weekend, and started to feel sick Sunday night. It was bound to happen, but this is my WORST NIGHTMARE!!!! I CANNOT GET SICK!!! The only other people who can "fill in" for me are the Drs at the Centers where I work, and when they have a full schedule already, it really isn't feasible. Not to mention, different people measure differently, and FORGET about cancelling all patients for the day - I would have ruined at least three women's entire ultrasound series if I had cancelled. So... basically, I cannot take a sick day. Talk about stress.

So, instead, I sleep in past my alarm and wind up an hour and a half late to my first job. I had to call the first patient to let her know I was running late, and thankfully, the Dr was able to do her ultrasound before his first appointment for the day. Then, I swapped appointment times with the 2nd patients, and ended up only 15 minutes late for the 3rd appointment. Not to mention, I was in a complete daze. I felt like I had taken Dayquil, I was so out of it. I was coughing, sneezing, probably looked like death warmed over but I refused to look in the mirror.

When I finally got a moment to breathe, I went to ask the nurse if my P+8 labs had come back. Which leads me to stress #2: infertility. Remember how my progesterone levels and estradiol levels were through the roof last cycle? And how I figured, oh great, no need to supplement progesterone any more! Looks like my body doesn't like the sudden absence of supplementation, because my progesterone was TEN. Yes, 10. And estradiol was 171. It's amazing how the mind has power over the body, because almost immediately when she gave me the results, I started to feel crampy.

And that's where I am, now. Crampy, moody, and oh so SAD. I realize that come January, there will be no more "trying," at least, actively, to conceive. I made an appointment for myself with my NaPro Dr on Thursday, to discuss the long-term plan for wellbeing and no meds (if possible). I just cannot keep paying $45/month for progesterone, pay such close attention to when P+3 is, etc. for the remainder of my cycling years. At the same time, if a pregnancy were to miraculously occur, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I miscarried and I could have prevented it. I need to see what the Dr thinks.

Seriously... 10???? Give me a BREAK, here!!!

This week is so hard, in so many ways. But I have been counting my blessings that my marriage is on the way up, and healing is taking place. Last night, we were watching White Christmas, and one of the songs had these lyrics:

"If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings"

(I ignored the lyrics about the nursery with all the curly heads in their beds.)

It's hard to see my blessings, and I find myself getting depressed wondering why I have to be content to have the blessing of a healing marriage when so many of my friends have a marriage that was never challenged to begin with, AND a house full of children's laughter, AND financial security, etc. etc. But then I realize just how much my husband and I have been through, and continue to go through, every day. It surely is a blessing that we have made it this far, and that we are carrying these crosses together. When I remember the huge blessing in that, I always say a prayer for those single people out there, searching and hoping for the chance to find someone to help them carry their cross.

Please say a prayer for me this week, if you can... as I prepare to welcome yet another period just in time to celebrate Christmas. Irony appears to be the glue that holds my life together.

The Darkness That Keeps Getting Darker

2011-12-09T15:45:00.000-05:00

My best friend had an announcement early this week. I need not tell you what the announcement was. The majority of you read it for yourselves.

My best friend is Sew Hormonal. Yes, a person I met online became my best friend in the world before I ever laid eyes on her and ruled out that she was a troll, a rapist, a murderer or a psycho. (I've ruled most of those out by now.) One of the very worst pains in my life was when Sew lost her first baby to miscarriage... I cannot express how horrible I felt at that time, knowing as her Creighton Practitioner, perhaps I could have done something to avoid it. Guilt and anguish consumed me for weeks. Hardly as long as they consumed poor Sew.

I was thrilled to learn when Sew became pregnant again, after finding thyroid cancer and having a complete thyroidectomy (nothing is ever "simple" for Sew Hormonal!) - and that baby would become my goddaughter later that year. The pain of guilt that washed over me with Sew's first pregnancy has been washed away with the disappointment of not getting to see my unbelievably adorable little stinker of a goddaughter whenever I want to... a much lesser pain, of course.

When I heard about Sew's latest pregnancy, I was tickled pink (and yes, I'm already putting my vote in for another GIRL) - I was giddy on the phone with her, but I wasn't at all surprised. I had a feeling she would be blessed with abundant fertility after the years of torture she dealt with. But I also knew that... well... she's not TCIE. And if you're not TCIE... you're bound to get pregnant. And get pregnant again. And adopt. And adopt again. Known fact here, people.

I took the news in stride, and went about my day. I received two text messages from other wonderful friends from the blogs, asking if I was "ok." Honestly, I had no idea what they meant, and my first thought was, "Did I post something on my blog about something that was supposed to be happening today?? Did I completely forget about something??" I texted one friend back, and spoke to the other on the phone for a while. To both, I assured them (and I wasn't lying) that I was a-ok, and not only that, but as Sew's Creighton Practitioner, I took full and complete credit for this pregnancy :) (Yes, I am joking. Somewhat ;) )

The remainder of the day passed. I went to my 2nd job and told my boss about my best friend, gave her a brief synopsis of her vast history of medical issues, and she congratulated Sew. When DH came home, I told him the happy news that our godbaby was a big sister. But something was different this time. When I told DH, I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't find the words to tell him right away. I found myself fumbling for words, saying, "I have good news... I'm really happy about it... I just had a bad day..." I was completely overcome in that moment, with a plethora of emotions. What was going on with me??? Where did this suddenly come from??

I finally spit the words out, continuing to reiterate how happy I was and that I was just overtired and upset about work stress, etc... but I realized it was myself I was trying to convince, not DH. He saw right through it.

"You know, it's ok to be upset about this," he told me.

Don't be ridiculous! Me?! Upset about my best friend kicking infertility's ass?!!! Heck no!

Or maybe... yes?

I began to cry. And I mean - CRY. Two hours later, it had escalated to the point of snot all over my face and hyperventilating, and popping 2 Ativan (and no, this was NOT prior to intercourse as directed!) so that I could finally go to sleep. DH was at a loss. He was so worried.

What I was realizing that night was that my BEST FRIEND was pregnant. OK, so some of you may be thinking, "Well, Duh! You were just realizing that 14 hours later?" - but what hit me was all of the implications of what that meant. My best friend, who carried the same cross as me for so long (and even carried mine for me in 2009 through prayer... oh, silly girl, lol!) had somehow maintained the friendship that so many others have moved on from after becoming a mother. We were still, despite all odds, able to relate to each other and meet each other where we currently were, across the Schism.

Now, she was pregnant again. I suddenly became very aware of that HUGE divide between us - how the next 9 months, she will find absolutely no support from me ("um, yeah, I have no idea what you're going through and how to help you with that... but let me tell you about this saurkraut I found in the health food store!")- and beyond that - how will I be able to relate to her and be there for her as she raises two children under 2? And it doesn't stop there. I'm sure she'll be receiving a homemade bib in the mail that reads "10 of 10" in no time. And with each pregnancy, we will move further and further apart.

I know all of you Moms out there are shaking your heads and saying, "Not so! It absolutely doesn't have to be like that!"

I know all of you barren and childless ones are nodding in agreement.

But my tears were not all about my perception of a friendship lost.

They were also steemed in jealousy. And above all else - anger. Riproaring, wanna-punch-someone-in-the-face-repeatedly anger.

I am so incredibly mad at God that it hurts. On so many levels, it hurts. Why, why does He send me a support group of people only to tear them away from me? Why does He give me this cross, offer me help in the people around me who also carry the same cross, and then lift their crosses right in front of my eyes and shower them with incessant blessings?!! I envision all the women around me opening present after present after present, finding a beautiful baby inside each one, and then haphazardly tossing the rest of the package away - but what they don't realize is that each box also contains a 100 lb. weight, which, when thrown to the side, lands right smack on top of the cross on my shoulders.

The anger runs deep. While I am technically feeling better now at the end of the week, I can still summon that anger at any time, because it's not far under the surface. The following morning I went to the chapel at work, sat in front of the crucifix, and proceeded to tell God just how mad I was at Him. The audacity! I can't even believe I'm sharing this with you all, but I actually did yell at God, while focusing on the image of His only Son, put to death on a cross for ME. You'd think the guilt of admitting that in a public forum would force me to repent and ask forgiveness... nope. I'm still piping mad.

I have so many things going on right now, that I know I'm hypersensitive. Through my ugly sobs the other night, I kept screaming, "I'm not even PMSing, what the bleep?!?!?!" But now that these emotions have been stirred up, I know I need to address them. As DH put it, he knows we will find something to make us happy, and soon, because God would NOT make anyone suffer THIS MUCH for THIS LONG with NO REPRIEVE.

I, on the other hand... I'm not so sure.

Labels

2011-12-06T10:34:00.000-05:00

I was speaking with my massage therapist yesterday about, what else, infertility. She was asking me about work stress, so actually, it didn't start out as an infertility discussion. I told her I've been trying not to overextend myself at work lately, and I've been setting boundaries with patients (NaPro ultrasound) and clients (Creighton). But, it's been hard, because then I feel like I'm "not there" for them, and of everyone at both offices, I should be the one who knows how they feel, understands the importance of their (often incessant) questions, and puts their needs on top priority.

The therapist asked me straight out if I felt like I had to remain infertile for them.

The question, coming from her, took me by surprise.

The question, in and of itself, did not surprise me at all.

It's a question that has been looming in my heart for years, now. Since I was dumbstruck that someone else was able to see that truth which I felt had been hidden, she pressed on: "Do you feel that it would be hurtful for those women to see your pregnant belly sitting across from them, and that you wouldn't be able to give them the same level of care you give them now?"

Bingo.

It was at the very end of our session. She told me to go home and think about this. To realize that my patients and clients do not need me to (and I quote) "take their shit home with {me}." Really?? They don't?? Of course I know this... but, my home is covered with "their shit" and has been for quite a while. Maybe in a way, by assuming their pain, I can escape my own?

It reminds me of when I was a senior in High School, and did a community theatre production of The Crucible. I played Mary Warren, the only one of the young girls with scruples, but in the end, not strong enough to overpower the will, charm, and tactics of Abigail. In that final courtroom scene, Mary Warren is broken down until she gives up the truth and finds protection in Abigail's lie. It is an incredibly emotional and tension-ridden scene to act.
After rehearsals and each show, one of my fellow actors would see me in the back dressing room, face red and splotchy from crying, and taking deep breaths as I re-applied make-up. She asked me one night how I did that scene so intensely each night, and I told her it was easy once I "became" Mary Warren. Another actor overheard and told me that I shouldn't do that - that it was much healthier for me to find my own inner motivation (something that made me scared, anxious, sad, etc.) and do more of a "surface level" acting. This didn't make sense to me. Why would I do that, when I could feel exactly what Mary Warren feels, and allow it to take over the scene?

Now those words, 13 years later, ring in my ears. It's healthier to find my own inner motivation. It's healthier not to assume all of the emotions of my patients, my clients, and, let's face it, my IF blogging friends, too.

This is something I've brought on myself. As I explained to the therapist that once I realized I was infertile, I knew I wasn't going to sit around on my couch and mope about it for what could be (and has ended up being) YEARS, that I knew I needed to DO something with infertility, and give it a purpose.

She listened. She understood. But she suggested that by labeling my own infertility, perhaps I have assumed an identity that doesn't have to be mine. I've become what I think others want (and need) me to be.

This is pretty heavy stuff. Stuff I've already known on some level.
I think the realization comes at a good time, because I am in the midst of surrendering my life into God's hands, and possibly living childless the remainder of my years. I think this will need to be a time of transformation in my heart. A time to step back from the identity I've put myself into, and find my true one, instead.

Now... how in the world do I do that?

Liebster Award and Advent Update

2011-12-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

Thank you JellyBelly for my Liebster Award :)

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.

Here are my winners:
1. JellyBelly (it doesn't say you can't nominate the person who nominated you!)
2. the Misfit
3. LifeHopes
4. Finding Joy in Every Journey
5. Polkadot

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Actually, I'm kinda bummed I have fewer than 200 followers... so... if you don't follow me already, follow me so I can get over 200!! That's my new Christmas goal, haha! :)

In other Advent news, the "intense healing" period that my husband and I are going through is going well. There is definite suffering going on, so I ask for your prayers to that end. I can't really go into more detail because it's very personal, but this is the most intense period of our entire relationship, and we've been together 10 years come January 15th. I can't even believe it's been that long... wow. Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it's going to be a long, dark, tumultuous ride.

Nothing exciting going on with my fertility. No new treatments or anything. Trying to not stress about it, but with Christmas coming up, it's hard not to. There's just so much on my plate right now, that childlessness is not in the forefront these days. But even in the background, it is a source of constant pain and suffering.

True Surrender

2011-11-29T10:23:00.000-05:00

I told you I'd have more thoughts on this.

As I mentioned before, I am anything but a quitter. It always bothered me to hear people say, "When I finally gave up, that's when I got pregnant!" That, to me, is almost as irritating as the advice, "Just relax and it will happen!" - because both imply that there is something harmful I am doing, that I couldn't possibly change, which is preventing me from conceiving. In the first case, it is actually desiring being a mother. (And for me, I would literally have to give up the desire to be a MOTHER, not just the desire to be pregnant, because there is no adoption process available to us at this time.) In the second case, it is stress. The implication is, if you remove stress from your life, you will magically become pregnant. The statement in and of itself is incredibly stressful.

But as more and more time passes, and new crosses reveal themselves around every corner of my life, I am more and more drawn to the idea of just letting go of trying to conceive.

It is the most painful decision I've ever pondered. Every fiber in my being is invested in this decision, whatever the final outcome.

It is a painful decision because to let go, as a human, feels so much like quitting. How could it not? You have a goal in mind: becoming a mother. You set out to achieve that goal, which is a God-given desire, and you put 100 % of your heart, your spirit, your body, and your mind into reaching that goal. You may start down one path, which appears to be blockaded, but instead of giving up, you explore other paths, tredging through thick, muddy swamps, climbing over downed tree limbs and bushes... always pushing forward, always with that goal swelling in your heart.

What does it mean to surrender that journey? Does it mean we stop walking? But that is giving up! How do we surrender the journey without feeling as though we've quit, and given up on our dreams?

I think about the persistant widow of the Gospels. The one who never stops asking the judge for what she wants. I think about St. Therese, not accepting "no" as an answer in entering the convent under the legal age, and going straight to the Bishop for approval. I think about these examples, and I see the end results: the widow receives her wish when the judge finally gives in, and St. Therese becomes the youngest nun, later to die at age 24.

The difference between their lives and mine is that I know the ending of their stories. I can understand why their persistance is now an example to us all.

I don't know the ending of my story. I only know the here and now.

Surrendering to God's will. We hear it a lot as Christians. But what does it mean, exactly?

It would seem that there is a fundamental clash here. We are taught to surrender. We are shown that persistance pays off in the end.

What if we could somehow do both?

Going back into the woods, and looking at the paths I've gone down, which have all seemingly been blockaded with unsurmountable obstacles, I look forward from where I stand to see nothing but darkness and closed paths. But from a bird's eye view... from God's view, what might those woods look like? He can see everything - He can see ALL of the other paths that surround me on all sides, which have been invisible to me due to my tunnel vision. He can see how close or how far I am from getting out of the woods and into the pasture. He can see all of the trials, tribulations, joys and excitements that all of those other paths could bring to me. He can, in short, see the rest of my story as He would want it to be.

Following my will, which seemed to be God's will, has only narrowed my journey. True surrender to God's will can open it to all the other opportunities I have yet to see.

And yet, I do not need to "give up" in my persistance on this journey. I can continue in my desire to be a mother, and I can follow the other open paths with that desire growing and burning strongly in my heart. I can keep praying, and hoping, that someday my desires will be fulfilled - WHILE I WALK DOWN GOD'S OPEN PATHS. I believe this is the way to bring surrender and persistance together so that they no longer clash, but complement each other.

True surrender. It means being strong enough to open yourself to the unknown, and never giving up. Letting go of the narrow vision of "trying to conceive," but allowing myself to let God in and let Him write the rest of my story.

I'm not sure if I'm there yet. But I'm working on it.

Thanksgiving Break

2011-11-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

I am just finishing a very much-needed break. I took off Thanksgiving, Friday, and the weekend from work. (Days that most people have off, anyway.) Of course, since we were hosting Thanksgiving, that wasn't much of a "break," but it was still great to be at home and spend time with DH and my family.

I started AF nice and heavy late into the early hours of Thanksgiving morning (when I was still awake finishing making homemade applesauce). Lovely reminder that I should always remember to be thankful for... my period. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. And I know there are many things in my life that I should be grateful for, and I am. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I had to celebrate yet another Thanksgiving with an empty womb and empty arms.

And what's worse is starting Advent again. The First Sunday of Advent has been, for me, the worst day of the year in years past. Because it marks the beginning of a new Church year, it marks the beginning of awaiting in darkness for the light of Christ... and it only augments the bitterness of the waiting and wanting in my life. I was able to push most of those thoughts aside today as I set up our Christmas tree and began decorating for the first time in our new house. It's just such an awfully quiet house...

I'm also very scared of what Advent holds for me and DH this year. We are beginning a very intense and very personal healing period, and while hopeful, I am anxious and fearful. Prayer Buddy, your prayers will be paramount this Season. I thank you in advance.

Today's homily was about surrendering to God's will. Father mentioned that we often show up in the pews with our "plans" in mind. But those plans never work out the way we think they will. Surrendering is about giving up our plans, being completely and totally open to whatever God has in store. As I embark on this Advent, I am going to submerge myself in prayer to help calm my anxieties and worries about what "might" happen and what "may not" happen. I'm nearing the end of trying to conceive, I can feel it. It may have even already happened. It bothers me to think about it too much. I'm not a quitter. But I'm starting to discover that surrendering is the real strength. I may have been quitting all along by doing things my way.

I'm sure more thoughts will follow on this subject. But for now, I'm going to try not to focus on how hollow and empty I feel physically. Oh, Advent. Welcome back.

With a Progesterone Level of 77.8...

2011-11-22T10:40:00.000-05:00

you would think... well, let's not even go there. Cuz I went there. And it didn't end pretty.

My P+7 numbers this cycle were astronomical. Higher than I've ever seen them. Higher than when I had 400mgs of progesterone nightly AND three corpus luteum.

This cycle I did take progesterone supplementation (same as always) and had two corpus lutei.

Apparently two corpus lutei on CRACK because they produced progesterone of 77.8 and estradiol of 389.

There's not even one baby in there. Today is P+15. I started my day with a big fat "Not Pregnant" announcement from my First Response Early Response.

And I cried. I cried in the car on the way to work. I cried on the phone with my hubby, who called to tell me it was ok, through his own tears. I cried at work when I realized that yes, my "Follow-Up Infertility" appointment with Dr B. tomorrow will be just that. It will not miraculously change category to a "New OB" appointment. I cried again at work when I received the email from Dr B telling me my P+7 results (I had already seen them yesterday) and how amazing they were.

And I cry now as I realize what I've always known to be true.

I will never be pregnant.

Life will go on. I'll find something to do with all of my you-will-never-be-a-mother time, and I'll learn to smile again. From time to time. I will never know true and utter happiness in this life, but God-willing, I may still find everlasting joy through the pain. The immense, unsurmountable pain that literally takes my breath away.

Today, I can't go on. Tomorrow, maybe I will find some strength.

3rd Annual ADVENT PRAYER BUDDIES!!!

2011-11-18T07:51:00.000-05:00

Advent Prayer Buddies was our first Prayer Buddy season here on the blogs, in 2009.

It's now that time of year once again!

If you are interested in taking part in Advent Prayer Buddies this year, here are the rules:

This Season, we welcome all bloggers (if you do not have a blog, you can start one now! ;) ) from all walks of life who would like to offer their prayers and receive prayers. We also ask that all bloggers who are not "active" bloggers try to post more regularly during Advent, so that your Prayer Buddy will "get to know you" better. (If your blog is private, you can still participate, and we will speak with you one-on-one about how to make that work.)

How it works:

During the Season of Advent, you will be assigned a Prayer Buddy, along with their blog address, their intention (if they've provided one) and in some cases, their mailing address. From November 27th through December 24th you will pray for this Prayer Buddy, and make any additional sacrifices and/or offerings on their behalf that you find appropriate. Think of it as the "Secret Santa" of prayer ;)

At Christmastime or during the Season of Christmas, you are welcome to send your Prayer Buddy a small gift or card (why we provide mailing addresses) and also announce your secret Prayer Buddy on your blog.
We also ask that you please email your Prayer Buddy at Christmas to let them know how you were praying for them - since Prayer Buddies has grown so much in the past 3 years, sometimes it is hard to search 80+ blogs to find your PB!

We will again outline these directions for you when you sign up, in a personal email to you.

TO SIGN UP:

Please email Joanna at thehendersonstory@gmail.com

(Do not just leave a comment here, please email!)

Sign-ups will be due by NEXT WEDNESDAY, NOV 23rd.

You will receive your Prayer Buddy assignment sometime after Thanksgiving, but before Advent begins.

Final note - The Holy Spirit has been instrumental in working through the prayers of our Prayer Buddies in the past - and when picking out the match-ups, we have always left it in His hands. You may initially not understand why you were matched up with someone whose life seems so very different than your own right now... but trust me when I say, the Holy Spirit knows why :) Trust in Him, and trust in these prayers. I have always believed that the prayers of others on our behalf are so much stronger than our own.

Email thehendersonstory@gmail.com to sign up now!!!

Indifferent

2011-11-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

For a few months now, I have been getting these sporadic twinges (discomfort, sometimes even painful) in weird areas of my abdomen and pelvis. I've been wondering if they are adhesion-related, because I know Clear Passage found quite a few.

I contacted them to ask about local follow-up work. They had mentioned to me that they practiced a technique developed by John Barnes, called Myofascial Release, and that by going to his website I could find local practitioners of MFR. So, I did.

And I had an appointment on Friday. It started out very similar to Clear Passage therapy, and she examined my gait, posture, and the natural fall of my muscles and bones. My left side is particularly tight, which I knew.

When treatment began, she would ask me what it felt like, or if I felt it in other areas, etc. She also asked if it brought up any emotional memories. I felt like I was taking a test that I didn't know the answers to - like every area that she massaged was supposed to make me feel a certain way, but I just wasn't "getting" it.

Finally, she worked her way down to my laparotomy scar. As she pushed down into the scar, I felt a pulsing under her fingers, and she said there was a LOT of energy there. She told me to describe what the area under her hands looked and felt like. I said, "Red. Hard." She probed for more. What is it made out of? What shape is it? "Rubber. Ball. But not bouncy. Just stagnant." She wanted more. What emotion would best describe it?

The emotion that popped into my head felt like it was the "wrong" answer. So I stayed silent until something better came to mind. She waited, then started to offer me suggestions, "Is it angry? Sad? Joyful? Anxious?..."

All I could keep thinking was what I eventually said aloud.

"Indifferent."

"Why do you think it's indifferent?" she asked.

"Because it's already been all of the other emotions, multiple times, and it's tired."

Maybe it seems a little odd to some of you that I was describing the emotions of my uterus... but really, my uterus is just an extension of my whole person. What I was describing in that moment, what I was feeling in that moment, was myself.

I wound up falling asleep toward the end of my session. As she worked on my scar some more, she said I should expect to feel some natural anesthetic. Sure enough, I began to feel incredibly tired and my mouth became very dry. The "tired" was not a bodily tired, though - it was my mind mostly that craved sleep. So I gave it what it asked for.

She told me during the session that anything she found, that she would communicate to me (for example, "This left hip is stuck") was only what was going on currently, and not at all what was going to be.
I thanked her for saying that, and told her, "I am definitely the type of person that needs to hear that - that change is possible and that things are not going to stay exactly how they are now." She told me she could tell that about me.

I'm just not so sure if it's possible for that indifferent emotion to change. And if it is possible, do I want it to? I think the indifference is a protective mechanism, which came out of necessity. What will happen if it melts away?

I'm scared of what's to come. I'm scared of the unknown, of which at this time in my life, there are so many. But I've been protecting myself even from that fear, instead of allowing myself to feel it and go through it.

This is what I need to work on in the coming weeks. Acknowledging my emotions, letting them in, trusting them, and trusting God.

One step at a time.

We All Love a Happy Ending

2011-11-09T10:15:00.042-05:00

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted.

I feel like I'm running out of things to say. There's only so many ways you can talk about infertility. I'm wondering if my readers even noticed that I hadn't posted in two weeks... because the fact certainly escaped me.

I'm beginning to realize that we all just really love a happy ending. For about two years, I had commenters telling me "I have such a good feeling about you!" and "I just know you'll be pregnant soon, I just know it!" Those comments have slowly but surely disappeared as the reality of the situation has sunk in, not just for me, but for everybody.

There's only so much you can say to someone who's been doing NaPro for 5 years (happy NaPro Anniversary to me 11-16) and has been writing about failed cycles for 3.5 years. What can you say? Especially after all the prayers have been exhausted and all the well-wishes dried up. Not only am I out of things to say... I believe so are my readers.

No, this isn't a farewell post. I'll still be here. But I am kinda starting to feel like the token barren girl in the group. I guess there has to be one that remains infertile in order for it to still be called the Catholic "Infertility" Blogs, right?

Perhaps my negative attitude has to do with this cycle. I took Femara. I took Viagra. I took Ativan, prior to intercourse as explicitly indicated on my prescription bottle ;) My lining was great. My follicles (yes, that's plural, for TWO) were great. My mucus? - what mucus? Dry, dry, dry-dry-dry. And the day of ovulation we ended up skipping.

I'm just so tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying. Tired of caring, but tired of not caring enough.

To top it off, my marriage will be going through a period of purging starting this week. I am deathly scared of the process, but cautiously optimistic of the results. The therapist is going to be working us through an INTENSE change, and I had quite an eye-opening session last week. I finally began to understand why my husband and I relate to each other the way we do. This purging has the potential to save our marriage and make it the best marriage ever. But it could also break us.

My patron Saint for this year is Eugene de Mazenod. I remember laughing when he was chosen for me at the end of the year last year, because he is a patron for dysfunctional families. Turns out - now is when I will really need his intercession the most.

Please pray for his intercession for us.

The Highest-Paying Job

2011-10-26T10:20:00.001-04:00

Many have said about motherhood that it is the hardest and lowest-paying job there is. I beg to differ.

Financially-speaking, there is no compensation for the hours and hours of "on-call" duty a mother must perform for the well-being of her child. Blood, sweat, and tears hardly begins to describe motherhood, with all of its demands and absolutely no time for breaks. Overwhelming becomes the new normal, as suddenly a mother's life is not her own, anymore.

And yet... it is the job title I most aspire to hold. In all of the trials of motherhood, there lies an opportunity for grace. (I especially love HE Adopted Me First's recent thoughts on this, which gave me the idea for this post.) If a mother recognizes all of the immense GOOD she can do through her daily generosities (to borrow the term from HAMF), she can get closer and closer to heaven, while leading her children there. Is there any higher payment than that?

I believe on some level, I always held this truth about motherhood. On a survey we were given in elementary school about "the future," a question asked, "If you could be anything in the world when you grow up, what would you be?" It listed, parenthetically, some choices: (teacher, astronaut, actor, fireman, etc.)

My mother, a few Christmases ago, gave me and my sisters each a box of our old school stuff, and we went through it together, laughing about our child-like view of the world. But when I read my response to that survey question, I began to cry. Not because my response was naive and child-like, but because it came directly from my heart... and while my mind and body had changed drastically since those childhood days, my heart has remained constant.

"If you could be anything in the world when you grow up, what would you be?":
A Good Mother

I've written about this once before. But today, I focus on a detail about my answer. Notice, I did not write "A Mother." The word "Good" completely transforms my response from a dream to an aspiration. I knew then that there would be work involved in motherhood. That it wouldn't be enough to just become pregnant, have offspring, and suddenly my dreams would come true. I knew there was more to it than that.

The trouble is, all of this time of childlessness has felt like an ongoing interview for that job title I most aspire to hold. I have so often felt like God was waiting for me to "prove myself" before He would give me the job, and trust me to give myself unconditionally, while working on sanctification. My resume would probably look something like this:

THIS CROSS I EMBRACE
Blogland, World Wide Web

DayCare Center for 6 weeks-2.5 yrs (1 year)
Nanny for 2 month- 14 month (1 year)
Camp Counselor for K-8 (4 years)
Student Mentor (2 years)
Teacher's Aide (1 year)
Kindergarten Teacher (1 year)

Time Spent Thinking About, Studying, and Dreaming of Motherhood (25 years)

Now I fully understand just how "high-paying" the job of motherhood, with all of its opportunities for grace can be, and my aspirations have never been stronger.

I realize now that Motherhood is not the hardest and lowest-paying job there is. It is actually the 2nd hardest and 2nd highest-paying...

2nd only to Infertility/Childlessness.

I am seeing now that this time of waiting to become a mother is not an interview. It is a job in and of itself! And I can either do this job well, or I can do it really, really poorly - just like motherhood. But God is not waiting for me to succeed at this job before promoting me to the one I truly want. He is waiting for me to succeed for my own eternal good! And much like motherhood, the way I do this job on a daily basis not only affects me, but affects others, as well.

But my compensation for doing this job well can be abundant, if I can remember that this job was entrusted to me from above. Each and every trial I encounter in this job can be transformed into a "generosity" towards my spouse and towards others, if I offer the suffering for them, and do it willingly and joyfully. If I can do that... this job can become the highest paying job ever.

And while I don't think I would have ever answered that question posed to me in a survey years ago with the response: "A Good Infertile,"
I think that God has in fact seen my resume, exactly the way I wrote it above. And I think he read it this way:

CHILD OF GOD
In the World Created by God

Loves children with all her heart
Defends life in all of her work
Wants to be a Mother, because she believes it is My Will,
but above all, she hopes to do My Will, and do it well

God read right through the words on my resume, and gave me a job I never applied for, but He knew it was a job I could benefit from right now.

I hope and pray I can do this job well... as I wait for the next one.

This is What Happens When DH's C-PAP Beeps Incessantly Through the Night, Causing Me to Lose Valuable Sleep

2011-10-25T08:53:00.000-04:00

We are still in a financial holding-period. Turns out, I was right. DH cannot start his new job until the 45-day window in which he has the chance to appeal the probation settlement is over and done with. At this point, I am praying it is 45 actual days, not 45 business days. With luck, he can start in late November.

In the meantime, praise God, we did get a chunk of money from his business, because a new site just gave us the downpayment. We are semi-caught up with bills.

Just in time, because I received a phone call the other day from the compounding pharmacy making my Viagra. They wanted to know if I wanted to fill the entire order, because it was $8.25 per pill. Hmm... well, I guess so. That'll be like $100, right? Because I only take it from Cycle Day 1 through hCG trigger? Ummm, no. It would be $600+!!! The Dr called in 80 pills, because the instructions are 4 pills per day!!!! I did the math, and the most I would need is 54 pills, and that quote is $450. Holy cow. All I can say is this had better work the very first cycle, because DH will not be happy with me otherwise!

(I even called Freedom Ph.armacy to see if they had a better price, but theirs is over $17 per pill! Yikes!)

I can feel myself slipping into a holiday depression. Ugh. I just never, ever thought I would be seeing my 6th Thanksgiving and Christmas still not pregnant. I would feel so much more peace if we were able to adopt. Just knowing that at any moment, I could receive a call... sigh. My phone will not be ringing this holiday season.

I haven't met with my therapist for several weeks now, and oh, boy, do I feel the difference. (And in my defense, I am not choosing Viagra over therapy ;) ... I just sent out a HUGE check for all of the therapy sessions' total, and until we get back on our feet a little more, I can't do regular weekly sessions.)

Today I'm expecting a small exercise trampoline in the mail. Waaaaaay back when I was going to the HynoFertility therapist, she recommended one of these for improved blood flow and cardio. I don't have time to work out. Well, ok, I have SOME time, but rarely do I have the energy to do anything after a long work day. But a trampoline makes sense. I can jump. I think. We'll see.

Hurry up, AF. Let's get this show on the road, already. Have I mentioned I hate cysts? For the record... I do.

Who Am I?

2011-10-20T09:27:00.000-04:00

I've been struggling with this for several days, now. And I'm not sure how final of an answer I've come up with, but I do have many thoughts about it.

(By the way, is anyone else's head humming Les Mis after reading the post title? OK, glad I'm not the only one.)

Who am I? Have I morphed into "TCIE: The Infertile" to the point where one is no longer separable from the other?

What I've concluded is that infertility has become a large part of my life, no doubt about it. But I believe that my cross has helped to shape many other aspects of my life, not take them over. Because of my amazing experiences with the Creighton Model, I decided to become a Practitioner. Because of my efforts to support as many people as possible, I started a blog. And because of my love of NaPro Technology, I went through school to become an RDMS. I have never once heard anyone refer to me as "TCIE... you know, the barren one." (Well, ok, I may have referred to myself that way!) But I have heard myself referred to as TCIE the Sonographer, TCIE the Practitioner, TCIE, Mr. TCIE's wife, etc.

See, in my opinion, it's a question of attitude. If I had settled into my new roles in life out of a perceived necessity (i.e. "Well, I guess I'll have to do this, since I can't have kids"), it would be a different story. I don't think I've done that. I had tried to use this cross to the best of my ability, to help propel me into new and exciting territories. I love my jobs. Absolutely. If I were miserable at work all day long, then I would likely be some kind of masochist, seeing as I very deliberately chose my career. That is not the case.

But. It is also important for me to remember that while attitude is a major part of what defines ME, attitude can and does change. Do I ever resent my cross? Of course!! (Any infertile who says otherwise is either a liar or a Saint.) But how much of my daily attitude towards my cross is full of resentment?

This, I believe, is where I need to be careful. And this is where I am taking JellyBelly's advice to heart.

It is so easy to get engulfed in the feelings of remorse, frustration, resentment, jealousy, bittnerness, and depression. Dare I say, it feels good to feel sorry for myself... sometimes a little too good. I have definitely fallen into that trap more than once.

Of course, many times, as hard as we try, we just cannot lift our heads above that high tide of complete and utter sadness. Infertility has often been compared to a cliff that we climb, stumbling along the way, seemingly never getting any closer to the peak. But more appropriately, I believe that it is like being underwater in the ocean. When you're deep under water, you cannot tell how far the surface is. At times, you may swim ferociously, believing yourself to be only a few feet away from breaking through and breathing in the sweet air of success. But after swimming your heart out for a while, you begin to give up, realizing you have no idea how much further you have to swim. Additionally, there are the tides to contend with, pushing against you, threatening your hope of survival.

It is so easy to give up and just let yourself drown in the waters of infertility.

But what if you could change the attitude you have about that swim? What if you started to appreciate the ocean for everything else it had to offer? If you are so focused on reaching the surface, you may ignore everything else. But opening your eyes to what's around you will allow you to discover all the gorgeous coral, the multitude of colorful fish, the intricacies of the ocean foodchain, and maybe even find other people on their way to the surface. You don't have to stop swimming upwards, but suddenly, it no longer seems like a futile race.

I've done my best to change my attitude towards this ocean. But still, every now and then, I will wallow in it, stop swimming, and begin to sink with my eyes closed. I need to practice treading, and enjoying the environment around me.

Ironically, it was just around this time last year that I wrote this post, which I closed with this paragraph:

Not until this very moment have I fully understood the implication of my own blog name. All of these years, I strove to live up to its title, and BECOME that title. But now I see that I am not defined by This Cross I Embrace. My cross was never meant to define me as a person, but rather to be picked up, carried, and embraced for the person it will help me to become.

I still feel that way. But perhaps I have wallowed a bit too much recently to allow myself to enjoy other aspects of my life. I am infertile. I cannot change that, nor can I fight that. But infertility is not me.

Your Help is Needed!!!!

2011-10-19T08:15:00.000-04:00

We interrupt our usual broadcasting to bring you this very special request.

I am copying and pasting our friend Simone's recent post about Redbook. Please contact them!! It won't take long!

Redbook magazine partnered with Resolve The National Infertility Association to create the no shame campaign called "the truth about trying". The goal is to bring infertility out in the open and provide women with support. There is going to be an article about infertility in the November issue of Redbook.

There is also an online component with videos and links. I watched some of the videos and it made me cry. Here is the link to the videos I think that this could really help some women who feel isolated and alone. I was a little dissapointed with the support information. I am hoping that they will add more as this grows. They had some links to women's blogs.

I then checked out the link to infertility treatments and I was not happy. The only treatments listed were clomid, iui, IVF, and egg freezing. So I am going to launch my own campaign here today and I hope you will join me.Here is a link to the a page about treatments.

I would like to send Redbook magazine a message from those of us who choose not to do IVF. I would like them to know that it is not the only option. If they really want to explore the "truth about trying" then I am hoping that they will include us.

I am going to send them an email explaining that there are more treatments available. I am going to ask them to do an article in their magazine about napro and other methods such as immune issues. Can you please help me? Would you also send them a request? If you want, you can also include your blog for their blog page. I found the contact information for the editor. Maybe they will ignore us, but maybe if enough of us send a message, they will do a follow up article next month. If you send something in, please let me know. You can leave a comment or send me an email.
THANK YOU!
-Simone

Redbook
Editorial Offices
300 West 57th St.
22nd Floor
New York, NY 10019

redbook@hearst.com

Thank you!

LUF

2011-10-17T08:08:00.000-04:00

For the first time ever (well, at least that I know of, and let's face it, I have pretty much constant-access to ultrasound), I formed a LUF.

Totally stinks. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were convinced that the "bad" cycles were the best cycles. Not for me.

When I saw the LUF yesterday, I slipped into depression-mode. I am just having a really hard time watching myself go backwards. I am eating SO HEALTHY, and feel really great on my supplements and diet... so why is it not being reflected in my cycles?? I really don't get it.

JellyBelly was here at just the right time. She told me something last night that really slapped me in the face with reality. She said I have to stop dwelling in "TCIE: The Infertile," and concentrate on being just TCIE.

So true. But I honestly don't remember who TCIE is, without infertility. I've built my life around this cross... and while, at the time I was doing it, I knew God wanted me to use it for the greater good... now I find it very difficult to separate myself from the cross and just be ME.

I need to reflect on this a bit more. Stay tuned...

Big, Fat Dud of a Follicle

2011-10-15T19:27:00.000-04:00

While on my first Clomid cycle since the pre-Ovarian Wedge Resection Days (December 2007, to be exact), I was supposed to get an ultrasound to check the follicle/s around Day 12. Day 12 was Friday. So, on Thursday, I decided to take a sneak peek myself, just to be sure the Dr didn't miss anything the next day. And there I was greeted by a crummy, thin lining (even for Day 11), and a Ginormous follicle, about 2.5cm. My follicles are not known for growing that large that quickly, and I know this was the Clomid :( Also, my endometrial lining has never been that thin, it is usually just perfect. I was so bummed, but I knew that I could still rupture normally.

The next day, CD 12, I had the Dr do the ultrasound, and first thing we saw was the thin, ugly lining. Then, the larger-than-life "follicle" on the left ovary, with no other follicles anywhere around. Not that I blame them, what with Big Mama taking over the whole damned show. The "follicle" was measuring about 3.0cm, and the reason I put follicle in quotations is because I really NEVER see a follicle get that big and still rupture normally. By the time they get to be 3.0cm, they are usually classified as a LUF (luteinized unruptured follicle.) But here's the thing: The cyst was completely void of internal echoes, there was no internal hemorrhage or septations or striations - (all signs that the follicle is luteinized and unruptured). But mine was still pretty simple in appearance. AND my lining was still proliferative, and my cervix still had a bit of mucus. So, the Dr said if I wanted, I could take a trigger shot of hCG. I really had a hard time going back and forth about this one... once I got dressed, I went into the Dr's office and went over some options.

While I was still making up my mind about "To Trigger or Not To Trigger," I asked the Dr what he thought about the thin endometrium and how to avoid it in the future. He admitted that it may have been the Clomid that contributed to it, but that in future cycles (if I want - he made it very clear that he didn't want to make me feel pressured to do or try anything) we may want to consider going back to Femara. He said we could try a higher dose early in the cycle to aim for 2 to 3 follicles each treatment cycle, and he said that of course there is always the risk of multiple gestations with that... he didn't even finish the sentence when I cut him off to say, "Oh, that is JUUUUUUUST fine by me." :)

He gave me a study published about the use of Viagra, Vit E, and L-Arginine for the bloodflow to the endometrium in women who have had thin endometriums, and said this was also something we could consider for upcoming cycles. (For now, I am doing the Vit E, but the Viagra and L-Arginine are only taken up through ovulation.)

Finally, he asked me about DHEA and when I said that I was taking a small daily dose because my last labs showed very high stress levels, he asked about my overall stress. Uhhhhh... yeah. I have it. He shared with me a story of one of the NaPro patients who was extremely wound up, her NaPro Dr gave her Valium, and she conceived in that cycle. Haha, gives a whole new meaning to the old "Relax, and it will just happen!" addage ;) I told him that DH would probably appreciate if I had something like that around the fertile window, when I routinely put a ton of pressure on myself and on him. So, he prescribed a small dose of Ativan. The funniest part is the instructions on the label:

Yes. The instructions say: "Take one tablet prior to intercourse." I can ONLY imagine what the pharmacists must be thinking of me. And of my husband.

By the end of the appointment, I was still on the fence about this cycle - whether or not to take that trigger. What are the chances that a 3.0cm follicle would still rupture?? Plus, as JellyBelly sat in the office adjacent to the Dr's - I explained briefly to the Dr that my hesitation in taking the trigger was because a long time ago, I made a "pact" with St Gianna, and asked her to allow all of my friends to become mothers first... and that JellyBelly was the last remaining friend. She can't try again until December. So why should I bother? The Dr said it was a very selfless request I made in my prayer, but that ultimately, God decides how to answer the prayers and when.

So... I got the trigger.

I'm still not too hopeful for this cycle, because the Big Mama Follicle just didn't look normal, to say the least, and my lining is still pretty crummy. But at least I may still have a "chance" for pregnancy. I will check again Sunday evening to see if it ruptured or not. St Gerard will have to pull out a real big miracle for this one.

Speaking of St Gerard, JellyBelly and I went to the Mass for Women Praying to Conceive on Wednesday evening. It was PACKED. It was all at once beautiful and so sad. The priest read a testimony of a couple who had suffered several miscarriages and through persevering prayer to St Gerard, they were finally able to (with the help of their Dr and "more aggressive treatments") sustain a pregnancy. These types of testimony stories are always wonderful to hear, but for a barren woman who has never once had life inside of her, it is hard for me to translate directly into hope for myself. At first I thought I was being overly sensitive, but JellyBelly agreed with me. What did give me hope was the priest's thoughts after reading us that testimony. He reminded us that we should never give up on our prayers, and that if our prayers don't seem to be answered in the time we want or in the way we want, it's because God is working on something better than we asked for. It reminded me that just because I've prayed 48 Novenas to St Gerard, I shouldn't throw those prayers by the wayside. I need to keep on praying. I need to keep talking to my friends the Saints and to God. I need to let them know I am still here, ready to do God's will, but still in need of support as I suffer.

Poor JellyBelly also had some suboptimal results this week during her ultrasound series, so please pray for her. I am still SO hopeful for her surgery, though.

Someone remind me why I wanted to try Clomid, again?? Blech. Never again.

TCIE on Viagra and Ativan next month should be... very interesting... Lucky Mr. TCIE.

The Crazies

2011-10-10T11:17:00.000-04:00

I'm still not charting. And yet, I made the hasty decision last week on cycle day 3 that, hey, ya know what I haven't taken in a while???... CLOMID! And so, I called up one of my many NaPro Drs (boss #2) and asked if he'd prescribe it. He knows my history, knows I tend to stimulate well (as many PCOSers do) and wanted me to start with a low dose of 25mgs for 3 days.

I haven't taken anything since my 30th birthday cycle (Femara), and so I know I'll react well, but 25mgs seemed a little low to me... so since the pills came in 50mgs, I decided to just take the 50mgs for 3 days.

(Don't try this at home.)

I realize if I overstimulate, with such a small dose the risk really is only 2-3 follicles. I can handle that. I've had 3 follicles before (at least twice), and I do understand the risk of a multiple gestation. But really... what are the odds of someone who has never been able to catch ONE egg suddenly catching all 3?

I'll have a sonogram on Friday to see what size everything is and how many there are. I predict two.

I am SO excited about JellyBelly coming tonight! Granted, my house is an absolute disaster area, since my sister just moved to a smaller apartment and was trying to get rid of a lot of her furniture and stuff that won't fit in her new apartment. So, yes, there is an exercise bike in our kitchen and some medieval-type decorations in our sunroom. What? Like you don't have that same set-up? I did manage to clean the bathroom at the very least, so yay, me. At least I can give JB the illusion that I am a model homemaker and wife ;) (Oh, who am I kidding, she knows better!)

Not charting has been just about the best thing for me. I don't know why I was so hesitant to do it before. If I do notice anything funky, I can always jot it down retrospectively, since my cycles are so regular now (THANK YOU, OVARIAN WEDGE RESECTION!) But from what I've been able to see, I am still having TEBB, but it's not as bad as it used to be, and my mucus is somewhat limited (I don't take any mucus enhancers, though).

It'll be interesting to see this cycle's post-Peak hormones at P+7. I tend to get VERY high estradiol in the post-Peak when on Clomid. So high, in fact, that my first P+7 on Clomid had my Dr urging me to go get a bloodtest for pregnancy because she didn't believe my home pregnancy test was negative. I think my ovaries are just Choleric. They just need a little motivational spark and they go above and beyond expectations :)

Last Friday was an intensely emotional day for me and DH. It was his last court appearance, and the day of settlement. Unbenownst to DH, 3 firemen showed up to make their public statements (during which time they lied and said that the money taken out was meant to finish the fire hall... umm, that's funny, because DH single-handedly finished the fire hall years ago FOR COST with no profit!!) - it was the final humiliation.

I couldn't explain it at the time, but the entire day was extremely difficult for me. I would cry at the drop of a hat, and not a little tear here and there, I mean a full-blown crazy-cry. I think it was just the fact that for the past two years, this stress has been building and building and our lives have been on hold... it was as if we were holding our breath for two years, and now we were able to breathe again... but both of us were so hesitant to let that breath finally go. Very much a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of situation.

But the good news is that the probation period (two years, starting now) will be held out in our current County where we live, AND DH checked to see if he could use any of his Knights of Columbus hours to satisfy the community service hours - he can!! We were very happy to hear this, because we assumed they wouldn't allow him to use that.

Today, a letter should be going from the court/probation office to DH's job, and PLEASE PRAY that this week, he will finally get the word that he can begin his job.

In the meantime, while we've been scraping the bottom of the barrel, it turns out God knew what He was doing. Our loan modification is going well, and in fact, our underwriter called me the other day to tell me that we had to prove a little bit MORE income in order to get the bank to agree to the modification. This won't be a problem, since DH is doing odd jobs for our neighbor at $15/hr. We had been using this cash for groceries and gas, but now we will deposit it first, to prove income. I had to laugh when I got off the phone with her: Imagine... we were TOO poor to get a loan modification! Haha, we OVERqualify for government aid ;)

Had DH started his job back on August 15th as originally planned, we may not have qualified at all for the modification. Which reminds me yet again... why do I ever doubt God??

Aside from the Clomid, not much else going on in the infertility scope. I'm still in a pretty good place, hopeful, but peaceful.

We may technically be able to look into foster care again now that settlement has happened. But my heart is telling me to wait. Things are so busy lately at the NaPro offices, and I know my presence is so important to the NaPro mission right now. Maybe in the New Year we'll re-evaluate our thoughts on foster care.

OK, I am off! Wish my follicles luck! ;)

HATE, and the Paradox at Life Chain Sunday

2011-10-03T08:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I participated in Life Chain Sunday. This is a silent hour of prayer near a high-traffic road, where Pro-Lifers hold signs and stand in quiet meditation.

I've been a part of the Life Chain for several years, but this was the first time up near my new house, with my new parish. There were fewer people, and it was a more rural area where we stood. We did receive many "approval" beeps and waves.

But we also became victims of hate. As a steady flow of cars traveled across the road from us, one of them slowed down almost to a complete stop, leaned on her horn, rolled down her window, and gave us the finger as she continued driving by slowly - a look of pure hatred on her face.

All I could think was how incredibly paradoxical this was. I held my "Adoption: The Loving Option" sign tight against my chest, and high under my chin, as I fought back tears. Here I was, at any moment about to start my period, yearning for life to bless my womb, and knowing another cycle had passed, completely barren.

This woman's knee-jerk reaction to our silent witness was obviously not about us. Our signs that read, "Life: The Unalienable Right" and "Abortion Hurts Women," and "Pray for an End to Abortion," while controversial (because anything involving abortion is controversial), were hardly offensive. Our group of elderly women, middle-aged couples, myself, teenage girls, and children ages 5-11, were hardly threatening. This woman was reacting to something much bigger than us. All I could do was immediately turn my hurt and anguish into prayers for her.

I realize there are people on the "fringe" of both sides. Abortion mill bombers, for example, are hardly speaking for the true Pro-Life community. But this case was not, in my opinion, a "fringe" pro-choicer. I believe she, in her minivan, represents the way most Pro-Choicers tend to react to us. Disdain, disgust, and yes, even hatred. And I can put myself in their shoes and see why they would feel that way. They believe our cause is based in a lie (of when life begins), and it is putting women in danger.

But I wonder, if I can put myself in their shoes so easily, why can they not see things from our perspective? Even without agreeing with us, can they not see why we feel so passionately about our cause? As misguided as they believe us to be, could they honestly not understand why we feel it is our duty to stand outside in 48 degree weather and silently pray for an end to abortion?

If I had seen a group of Pro-Choicers holding signs, even if their signs said things I thought to be ludicrous, like, "Pregnancy Hurts Women," or "Abortion: The Only Option," I just cannot fathom leaning on my horn and flipping them off. Especially with young children amongst them!

And so, I did something I used to do years ago. I offered my failed cycle (Cycle #65, or somewhere in that ballpark) for life. I asked God to take the soul who was not embodied in my womb, and to place it instead into a woman who would choose LIFE for her child. I offered my infertility for an end to abortion, and an end to hate.

I ask those of you suffering with this cross at this time to do the same.

Prayer Buddy

2011-09-30T07:42:00.001-04:00

My Prayer Buddy for the past couple of months was R from
http://instructioninlove.blogspot.com

First, I was so pleased to see that she had such a connection to one of my favorite Saints (Gianna). But I was also drawn to what I feel is a common struggle for infertile women and single women - that desire to serve to the fullest of the vocation to which they feel called, and not being (yet) able to.

R, please know that I offered many prayers on your behalf at Masses and during Novenas, not just for your specified intentions, but also some that I threw in for good measure ;)
God Bless!

And to whomever has been praying for me -
THANK YOU! I have truly felt the power of your prayers and it has brought me so much closer to God.

Why Do I Do It?

2011-09-29T08:38:00.000-04:00

I got a brand new response on my home pregnancy test this morning. One that likely no one has ever received. It was... blank. No control line. No test line. Just a blank test, as if I hadn't even peed on it. And, before you speculate that maybe the test had expired, I checked that first and it doesn't expire until Feb. 2012.

And so, clearly, pregnancy tests everywhere have convened and collectively decided to boycott ME. I envision them all in the warehouse at night, whispering to each other, "So, if TCIE picks you up off the shelf, what are you to do?... THAAAAAAT'S right! Don't even waste your time showing her the control line. That woman is delusional, I mean, how many times do we have to tell her she's NOT PREGNANT?!! There's only so many ways we can say it! Yes, yes, I assure you, this is the kind thing to do. She is in a category of her own. She'll get the picture."

(Just an FYI, about 15 minutes later, I did see the faintest of control lines, so don't go getting your hopes up that the test was faulty.)

Why do I even bother testing any more? I bet you thought that was going to be a rhetorical question... but it's not.
I test because I remain hopeful. I test because if I were to be pregnant, I want to know as soon as possible, and enjoy EVERY. LAST. SECOND. of that pregnancy, no matter if it lasts 9 seconds or 9 months. I test because WHEN it's negative, it allows me to practice my new outlook on suffering (you'd think I'd be a pro by now, but I have a long way to go).

I test to show God I have not given up on Him, and that I am not going to presume I know better than Him. I'll admit it: I used to test with the expectation that it would be negative so that I could "move on," and say to God, "I told you so - I knew you wouldn't give me a child." It was an ugly thing indeed.

Now, I expect the unexpected. I prepare for the desires of my heart to be fulfilled. And if the test is negative, I turn it to positive.

Well... at least... I try :) I'll admit - I don't feel so hot this morning. The negative test wasn't a slap in the face (the huge ZIT on the face was fun to wake up to, though), but it is a warning of things to come. More PMS. Heavy, clotty period. Right around the corner.

God, give me the strength to bear it with grace.

My Maternal Heart

2011-09-27T11:08:00.000-04:00

I am really enjoying reading about all of you! Please continue sharing on my previous post if you haven't done so already!

I am halfway through my Novena to St Therese in the "Joy In Suffering" booklet. (I found it online for $3.50.) If there were any doubts as to why I'm not a Saint before... well, let's just say now there are NONE.

Reading this booklet is completely humbling. On Sunday, I read the reflections for that day right before Mass, and it stressed how St Therese felt that her suffering should be full of gratitude, peace, and joy, solely because that way Jesus could dwell in her in peace and joy. If her suffering took on a more torrid environment, a more chaotic appearance, then Jesus could not "rest" in her the way He should be able to. I had honestly never thought of it this way before. She said that we should be here to comfort Jesus, not the other way around. Wow.

So, I prepared myself for Holy Communion with these thoughts. Yes, my heart ached as I watched the young families around me, and knew I was just gearing up for my PMS week... but I let that aching translate into praise for God, and allowed myself to succumb to the peace deep within that ache.
When I got back to my pew, I knelt down, and seemingly out of nowhere, I envisioned not welcoming the Christ Man into my peaceful heart, but nurturing the Baby Jesus in my peaceful, maternal heart. I tell you - it took my breath away. It was perhaps the most powerful experience I've ever had at Mass. I felt completely at peace with the idea that I CAN BE A MOTHER WHENEVER I CHOOSE!! I can be that nurturing, peaceful, maternal heart for Baby Jesus every single time I receive the Eucharist!
Why did this never occur to me before??

It was surreal.

I know that if I never become a physical mother on this Earth, I'll suffer greatly, but it will be a suffering I can handle. Hopefully, I can handle it well. But I have discovered that no matter what happens, I am a mother. I need to continue honing my motherly skills, to strive to be the very best spiritual mother I can be, not just for the Child Jesus in the Eucharist, but for the Child Jesus in every child I encounter throughout my day.

This time is not just about waiting, and striving for life after death. It is about embracing the little pieces of heaven that we can achieve through our crosses while we're here.

And I can't wait to find the next piece.

Getting to Know You :)

2011-09-22T09:27:00.000-04:00

I was thinking of doing this for a while now - I'd really love to know all of you who are reading my blog. Moreso than just the usual commenters, most of whom I know well.

I've turned comments on for everyone, for this post. If you feel comfortable doing so, lurkers included, please tell me a bit about yourselves! Are you suffering a cross of infertility or miscarriage? Do you know someone who is? Did you just happen to stumble upon this blog but have no personal connection to infertility whatsoever? Are you Catholic? Christian? Do you know me in real life? Do you just like the pretty flowers on top of the blog? ;)

You don't have to use your real name - but I'd love to hear from you all the same, and that way, keep you in my prayers :)

Signs

2011-09-21T12:13:00.000-04:00

I know, I know... I promised pictures of the house progress this week, but the thing is, a) I have not taken any current pictures yet, and b) I don't have a scanner. I'd rather show you professional shots taken by my sister rather than on my dinky phone and emailed to myself, then uploaded. So... you'll just have to wait ;)

But getting back to the whole point of this blog: the cross of infertility and childlessness. To that end, there have been some pretty big signs as of late, that I thought I'd share with you.

First of all, I have been feeling so much better recently, about everything. The stress in my life seems to be melting away (even though I remain busy) - our financial stress may completely disappear in a matter of weeks, because as it turns out, we qualify for government aid and a loan remodification. (It has to do with DH being out of work and our debt:income ratio.) I was hesitant to believe our luck could actually be that good, so I did a TON of research into the possibility (we received a letter in the mail) and also had several lawyer friends look into it for us. It is legitimate. The paperwork is underway now. PRAISE GOD!!! When this goes through, our mortgage payment will be less than half of what it currently is!

This is such a relief for us. But onto some other good developments.

The housewarming party was a big success! It was so nice to see all of our loved ones, and show our home. I had set up pictures outside each room of what the room looked like when we first moved in, so that our guests could compare and see the progress. I also placed notecards outside each room for guests to give us design and decorating suggestions (this wasn't as big a hit as I had hoped... oh well). Everyone seemed to really love what we've already done, including our almost-finished dining room, with gold/ivory valences and tiny bumble bees on it :) (It sounds much more country than it is... trust me, it's elegant.)

The weather was also phenomenal, so we had no problem setting up all the food outdoors. The only real problem was that all of the neighborhood bees must have heard how good the wraps were, because they were swarming all over them.

One guest, a Creighton client of mine, commented on how peaceful I looked. And I have to admit, I feel much more peaceful these past couple of months. It is wonderful. Could have also been the wine ;)

At the end of the night, when all of the guests had gone home except my pregnant sister-in-law who came over after work, we opened our gifts. Inside St Rita's Roses' card (yes, she came to our party! Great to see you again, J!) was a Novena card to St. Rita (of course!) I began telling my sister-in-law about St. Rita, and how she is also a patron Saint for single women seeking their spouse. She was immediately intrigued, and asked to read the Novena. (Yay!)

The following morning, I received a text message from my sister-in-law saying:
"Was doing some more reading about St. Rita... did you know that BEES are associated with her? And you have bees on your curtains, and {DH} said you had a ton of bees outside yesterday. I thought this was a good sign!"

Bees?? I had to look this up immediately - sure enough, a swarm of white bees came to rest on baby Rita's lips on the day of her baptism. All who witnessed this knew it was mystical, because the baby was neither harmed nor awoken. Upon her beatification, Pope Urban apparently utilized bees as one of St Rita's symbols (along with roses, and of course, her thorn).

And here I had just picked out curtains with bees on them (not the most common home decor design)...
By the way, did I mention I also received a dozen red roses on the day of the housewarming party?? Kind of an odd gift for a housewarming party...

I immediately contacted St. Rita's Roses and told her, "That's it, St. Rita is nudging me to get to her shrine, I am coming this weekend!"

In the meantime, I've already gone online and ordered her statue and healing oil.

While I've been preparing to begin St Therese's "Joy In Suffering" Novena, I have also been noticing many hawks overhead.

The client/friend who texted me all of those lovely reminders several months ago, also sent me a text out of the blue a few days into this cycle, and then again yesterday, telling me she has a good feeling about me and is still praying.

The blogger who had the dream about my being pregnant contacted me to tell me she felt strongly about this cycle, for some reason.

In the past, all of these things added up together would probably make me place bets on the fact that I would conceive this cycle. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.

But I think these signs point to a much bigger picture than I was able to see in the past.

I think all of these signs serve as God's way to show me He is pleased with the path I am on. He is reminding me that He has not forgotten me, and that the blackest part of the night is nearing an end. He is sending me His love in very tangible ways, so that I can place my trust in Him and Him alone. And THIS brings me so much more peace than the idea of conceiving "this cycle" or "this year."

Of course I still hope. I hope every day that I may one day experience the utter joy and happiness of a positive pregnancy test. Or the phone call informing me that my child has been born. I hope every day that I may hold a baby in my arms that will look at me and know I am its mother. I hope every day that I may have the privilege of calling one of the rooms in my home "the baby's room," and that my entire day will consist of changing diapers, breastfeeding, and fighting the urge to pull my hair out and/or pass out from exhaustion. I hope every day that my dear, selfless husband will be given the gift of fatherhood.

But one thing I no longer hope for is peace. Because I have finally found it.

My Week

2011-09-14T10:01:00.000-04:00

So, I've sworn off "Day in the Life" posts when and if I have kids... to the point of making Sew vow to promptly give me a swift kick in the behind and force me to shut down my blog if I ever resort to that kind of mundane writing. This blog is anything but mundane.

But since my life right now is absolutely void of breastfeeding issues, screaming kids, nap times, whining, fussing, teething, and play dates (ok, so maybe there is some whining and fussing, but I'm working on that), I figure this week might be a good one to put on display for my readers.

(I'm just realizing now that this may take a while, because all the days blur together recently... hard to remember when certain things happened.)

Sunday:

Wake up to the foulest smell known to mankind, and start searching around the bedroom floor for cat shit. Nada. Make my way downstairs where the smell is getting stronger, and get too scared to walk to the back of the kitchen, where I'm convinced the smell is coming from. Send DH to back of kitchen where it is confirmed, Cooper (pitbull puppy) has had diarrhea ALL over his crate. Realize, 10 minutes before Mass starts, that we are out of paper towels. FIL arrives to help us paint the trim (radiators and doors) in the kitchen, and so we let Cooper out of his crate, close the door to the back of the kitchen so my FIL doesn't pass out from the smell while working, and go to Mass.

Show up to Mass in jeans (I HATE doing this, but time was of the essence this morning), and wouldn't you know it, we are asked to bring up the gifts. Learn another valuable lesson in humility as I present the gifts looking like a dirty hobo. Meanwhile DH is inwardly smiling because he knows that for once he actually looks much more presentable than I do.

Arrive back home, DH runs out to store to get paper towels, and when he comes back (less than 5 minutes later), discovers that Cooper has somehow in 5 minutes, and immediately after having gone outside, sprayed diarrhea all over our dining room: on the original pumpkin pine floors, on the marble fireplace and on the antique china hutch. Good thing he got the 6-pack of paper towels.

The remainder of the day flies by while we finish painting the kitchen, clean out the basement (including moving the old dryer out to curbside) for a townwide pick-up early the next morning (post-hurricane pick-up), and rip up the kitchen carpet. Shop around online for good quality Vinyl Wood-Finish flooring to use as a temporary solution... anything's better than carpet, right?

Monday:

Leave for work at 6:00am. Chat with a long-time NaPro patient who I've been doing ultrasounds for since last year (also a blogger). Drink a 1/2 cup of coffee. Take an online training class to become certified to do the Nuchal Translucency scan. At 10:30am, realize my lunch (that somehow DH had the time to make for me the night before) is still in my purse, so I take it out and put it in the fridge.
11:30am, leave the first workplace to drive to the next workplace (35-40 mins away). Arrive at second workplace before realizing I left my lunch in the fridge at the first workplace. Grab GF crackers from my passenger's seat.
At 2nd location, have a follow-up with a perimenopausal woman charting for PMS - her chart is an absolute mess and we have to go back to basics. Then, do an ultrasound for one of my favorite patients, a NaPro woman who suffered primary infertility a number of years before achieving and finding out she was pg while waiting on the operating table for surgery... only to have a very late-term loss (37 weeks, I think?). She got right back in the saddle and is an absolute inspiration to me, because earlier this year she was pg again and lost the baby at 18 weeks. Please remember her in your prayers - her spirit is remarkable, and I hope some of her strength will rub off on me.

Finally finish all of my work at 5:15pm, and get home at 6:00pm. I no longer see the light of day from my house anymore. Oh, and I'm starving! DH makes chicken wings, while I begin measuring the wall panels in the parlour, marking the walls, and cutting the textured wallpaper... I had planned on painting the wallpaper tonight, but that's not gonna happen. Eat, work some more on the wallpaper, and go to sleep.

(An aside: I have NO IDEA how working moms do it. By the time I get home at night, I can't even muster up energy to make dinner for myself and my husband, let alone kids! Kudos to all the working moms out there!)

Tuesday:

Leave for work at 6:00am. Too tired to make my morning shake, hubby makes one for me; he's been up until 4:30am painting the mouldings that arrived Monday afternoon. DH goes back to sleep as I leave the house.
At work, spend most of my day feeling absolutely useless because today's the day we share our office space with another Dr - he usurps the office that I usually work in, and I have no ultrasound or charting patients, so I make a few SFA kits, organize the Creighton files, and wait until 11:30 rolls around... wishing I were home so that I could put all this time to better use on the house!! But then realizing, no, wait, at least I'm getting paid to be here. And we NEED that money. Luckily, my ARDMS card arrived in the mail, so I bring it over to HR so that I can get my raise for being a Registered Sonographer. (Did I mention I passed my exams? I've been just a bit busy, so, sorry for the confusion.)

Grab sandwich from yesterday out of the fridge, eat it quickly, and leave for the next job, hoping that I can sneak out a little early today. No such luck: the medical assistant had to take the afternoon off, so now on top of my ultrasounds and regular office work, I need to do all the afternoon patients' intake (vitals and room them). Get a surprise visit from my NaPro goddaughter and her father (the parents are friends of ours from Marriage Encounter and also my charting clients; they conceived my goddaughter the cycle after surgery, and she was born 2 weeks ago). Hold the baby, who looks, I must say, blissfully peaceful in my arms, and introduce her to one of the NaPro Drs who helped her come into existence. Pose for pictures in the office, holding the baby.

Ultrasound patient arrives, who is also newly pregnant. Perform the worst kind of ultrasound - the kind where the baby isn't growing appropriately, the heart rate is much lower than it should be, and I need to be the bearer of bad news. After the Dr speaks with the patient and reiterates what I had already told her (We can't know for sure yet, there are always miracles, but it doesn't look the way we would hope at this stage), I tell the patient that until next week's scan, I will be praying for her daily. And I remind her that while we will pray for a miracle, she needs to know that if the miracle doesn't happen, she is not being punished. There is NOTHING she did or didn't do. I see the tears finally flow from her eyes, and while it breaks my heart, it also makes me feel better for her... you see, I hate seeing the infertility patients and miscarriage patients enter and exit my room completely collected, stoic, and emotionless. I KNOW that they are waiting until they are in the safety of their car to break down, where often, they have no support (if their husband isn't with them). I want them to know that OUR OFFICE will be that support. They can show their vulnerability, because I feel it for them, too. That it's ok to cry. It's ok to be mad.
Get home at 6:00pm again, and tell DH to please pray for this patient. He asks me if this is the worst part of my job, and I respond, it's both the best and the worst.
DH has finished all of the chair rail in the dining room, painting, measuring, cutting, and coping. It looks amazing. He goes upstairs to sleep a while since he is exhausted, and I grab some herring and crackers as a quick dinner while I cut some more wallpaper. An hour later, I leave for my singing group rehearsal. Get home after 10:00pm, and promptly go upstairs to sleep, despite the fact that it's fertile time. Way. too. exhausted.

Wednesday:

Somehow drag myself out of bed at 5:30am and shower without passing out from exhaustion. It's only Wednesday?? Really?? Get to work, do an early ultrasound, and see that my sonohysterogram patient later this morning has cancelled. Utilize this time wisely by blogging, instead :) Try to resist the urge to grab a cup of coffee... but man, I really need it...

So, this may not be an entire week, but you get the gist. Tonight's plan is to paint all the wallpaper for the panels, and then have a marital therapy session with my therapist.

The reason we've been working so aggressively on the house is because our Housewarming Party is this Sunday. Consider this your invitation if you are in the area and would like to come!!

DH still hasn't been able to start his job, but we're praying he can start immediately after the next court date, Oct 7th. Sigh.
I'm going to go get that cup of coffee now. Sorry.

Stay tuned because after this weekend, I will finally be posting some pictures of the house :)

I Am So Blessed

2011-09-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

You may think this post would be accompanied by a picture of a positive pregnancy test. Or perhaps another big announcement. But instead, things here are status quo. Not even my cycle has shown improvements (this month I had black bleeding with gigantic clots at the end of the period - lovely, I know).

Status quo. For me, if you've ever read this blog before, you'll know that status quo is pretty much bottom-of-the-barrel. Depleted bank accounts. Failing fertility. Ongoing court battles. Family health issues and death. Pregnant unwed sisters-in-law. Constant humiliation from all angles. That is my status quo.

But I am beginning to understand how very blessed I am. I am, for once, seeing into the heart of the Beatitudes. Blessed are the poor. Blessed are those who mourn. Blessed are those who thirst for righteousness.

Blessed am I.

I can't even tell you how excited I am to receive my newly ordered "Joy in Suffering" novena booklet to St Therese. It will arrive just in time for me to begin a Novena for her Feast Day Oct. 1st.
I am just starting to get my feet wet in this new life of joy in suffering, and I think it took me so long because I just couldn't see past the pain. Little did I know then that it wasn't the pain I had to see past in order to find the joy. It was the pain I had to see INTO. God's love, all along, has been engulfing me inside of this great, big ditch - and here I've been, trying to claw, climb, and dig myself up and out just to get a glimpse of what I was blind to see I already had.

Poverty

2011-09-08T09:49:00.001-04:00

Another great session with my therapist last night. We spoke about "poverty" some more, and the blessings that come from it.

But today I'm going to write about a different kind of poverty.

As you may remember, DH landed a new job as a site manager at a construction company. He has not made ANY money with his father's company since last year.
My take-home pay is barely enough to pay the mortgage. So, we've had to utilize our savings for the past several months just to pay the bills (car payment, car insurance, gas, electric, water, student loans, cell phones, comcast, etc.) - there wasn't much left in savings after purchasing the house last December.

And... DH's job hasn't started officially yet. We were told August 15th. But as it turns out, there is an issue with the fact that the court thing is still going on. The new job needed something in writing from the courts stating that DH was definitely not going to jail, but the problem is, the next court date is October 7th, when settlement will be reached. Up until that time, DH could potentially decide to go forward with a trial and not accept settlement. Hence the current dilemma.

He has been going in for training and such this week and last... and the receptionist is doing everything she can to get him to start before October. Please pray.

Our mortgage is now 2 months late. Our car payments are delinquent. Bills are just piling up and just when I was about to lose it, I received a check from Clear Passages for $3,000 - what my insurance paid for my therapy back in June! THANK YOU, GOD!! I can now pay down some of those bills, at least.

But we desperately need DH to start getting paid... or things won't be pretty.

When we were told DH was going to start either July 15th or Aug 15th, we went ahead and planned our Housewarming Party for Sept 18th. Now, we have over 25 people already rsvp "yes," and no money to put into the house. Totally stinks.

Once he starts, our family income will more than double. I'm trying to put trust in God, but I could still use your prayers.

I know things could be so much worse... and without kids, I don't have the additional stress of wondering how I will provide for them during this tough financial time. But our house is our baby - we LOVE it, and really don't want to lose it.

Jesus, I trust you!

PMS and the Migraine from Hell

2011-09-04T20:27:00.000-04:00

Last cycle's PMS was pretty bad. No anxiety attacks, or severe depression, but definitely lots of snapping, bitchiness, and general mood swings. It didn't last as long as it has been, and I credit the higher dose of Naltrexone for that, but there is still room for improvement. I may look into hCG for post-Peak PMS support this cycle. I just don't want it to become a cyclical thing (I'm trying to wind down on meds, not add more.)

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I am not a migraine sufferer. I had one in my whole lifetime, and it was one day while I was teaching Kindergarten, needed the teacher next door to take over my class while I turned all the lights out in the classroom and put my head on the desk. I was able to drive home and go to sleep after about an hour.

But yesterday was far, far worse. It started out like a normal headache (I don't usually even get headaches, so when I do get them, I complain about it... a lot.) The headache got progressively worse, and my parents were visiting for the day, so I was out at the stores looking at some area rugs with my Mom. I BARELY made it home from the store after stopping for gas - the headache was so strong I started to feel nauseous. I got home, ran upstairs to the bathroom, and threw up. (Sorry.) I hate throwing up, but usually if I'm sick and do throw up, I feel better afterwards. I did not feel better. If possible, the headache was getting even worse.

I stumbled down the hall to the bedroom as DH said goodbye to my parents (I felt SO BAD, but I just could not help it.) I had already taken 2 aspirin earlier in the day, but they did nothing. I had also just started my period a few hours earlier.

DH came upstairs to get me comfortable in bed... but when I layed down, the headache got so bad I thought I was going to die. Literally. My head was pounding so much and NOTHING would take the pain away. I started to get more nauseous from the pain. DH sat me up in bed, and I asked him for a trash can. All at once, I felt a rush of blood from my period (sorry, again), cramps all throughout my lower abdomen and pelvis, nausea, and an insane headache... I tried to take two Motrin because I didn't want anymore aspirin since my period had just started.

A minute after I took the Motrin, I was back in the bathroom, throwing up. It was at that point that I got extremely dizzy and had to lay back against the tub. The headache began to subside just a bit, and I remember DH picking me up from the floor because I had passed out for a few seconds.

When he carried me back to bed, he propped me up, and started rubbing some essential oils on my feet (largest pores in the skin). He used rosemary, lavendar, and peppermint to ward off the nausea. I remember hearing him on the phone with his mother, asking her what he should do, and she gave him some quick Jin-Shin J'yitzu techniques to try, and the next thing I knew, the headache slowed down enough for me to fall asleep (sitting up in bed). I woke up 20 minutes later and was wiped out but feeling SO much better.

So... talk about suffering! I was prepared for the start of this new cycle to be one that I would "dive" into and experience the suffering, as my therapist had suggested. I didn't realize it would be the absolute worst pain I'd ever felt in my life!!

And in other news, here is a gift I received in the mail last week:

I'll give you two hints. It's not Salsa. And, it's from Sew.

;)

Hope for a Baby - A Bad Thing?

2011-09-01T09:34:00.000-04:00

I had another session with my therapist last night. I feel like we've only scratched the surface of my plethora of issues, but already I have gained such valuable insight and tools to help me plunge deeper into this time of my life. The take home message of the evening was: "Don't squander this time... don't squander this sorrow."

Before I spoke with him, I had been thinking all day about hope.
I have not come forward with a little piece of information that I was given about 5 or 6 months ago, for several reasons, but mostly because it was so deeply personal and has been my source of hope for a baby throughout the majority of 2011. (Otherwise, I really don't think I'd have any left at all.) This piece of information involves a dream that another blogger had about me. I'll give you all of the details sometime soon, but I don't want to focus on that right now. (I also hope the other blogger doesn't mind that I am posting about this.)

Suffice to say, if this blogger had not confided in me about her dream, and the circumstances surrounding it, I likely would not have any hope left for a baby. I was contemplating this yesterday... is it a good thing that I still have hope, or should my hope be completely and utterly in heaven and in giving glory to God??

Am I selfish to be holding onto this hope, even though I have come to a place where I understand that my ultimate hope is not about getting what I want? Is it too human of me to still believe from cycle to cycle that perhaps I will conceive, or that maybe I will be able to adopt or foster someday?

I struggled with this thought during the day, because my conscience was telling me that it was ok, even GOOD for me to have that hope for a child.

I reasoned with myself that the hope is what keeps me moving in the right direction - in other words, my long-term focus remains on God, while I go through the daily trials and tribulations of infertility - but my short-term hope is that I may become a mother.

If I were to give up that hope (which was just about to happen when I received an email from said blogger about her dream), then what suffering is there to be used for God's glory? It always used to make me upset when I saw other infertile women praying that God would take away their desire for children - I knew in my heart that the desire was God-given, and even if it were never fulfilled, it was a crucial part of this cross of infertility and childlessness. Yet, this year, I reached a point when I was almost praying for the exact same thing. And it frightened me.

It reminds me of how Jesus taught the disciples to love their enemies. They had been living in a world where it was the norm to love your friends and hate your enemies. Jesus posed the question, that if you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that?

That's how I see infertility/childlessness. If you carry the cross, even to the point of embracing it, but you lack the desire to have a child... what reward is there in that? It is the intense suffering of those who desire parenthood SO MUCH and yet cannot attain it which transforms the cross into a source of redemption.

At the end of our phone appointment last night, I asked my therapist for his input: "Is it still ok for me to hope for a child?"

Without hesitating, he repeated the truth I knew in my heart: "Yes. Denying yourself hope for a child is a form of protecting yourself from the suffering. You should continue to hope!"

He went on to tell me that in days like today, when my period is imminent, I should fully go through the suffering along with my body. I told him that there were times when I felt peace in the cross, but that I was worried about its source; is my peace coming from having endured the suffering well, and now seeing glimpses of peace IN the sorrow, or is it just that I have become numb to the suffering, or worse, that I am avoiding or ignoring further suffering that comes my way? (For example, the endless text messages from my pregnant sister-in-law in which she complains about how she has to do the 2-hour glucose test and drink that "nasty sugary drink," or how her "arm is about to fall off" from all the poking and prodding they did to get her bloodwork.)

The therapist said he is looking forward to bringing me deeper through the suffering so that there will not be any confusion about where my peace is coming from. I'm tentatively excited about this. I can't believe I'm actually saying that, but it's true! I guess I just feel like I'm already so close to completely surrendering, and that there has been so much suffering already, and yet I'm still here, and I'm ok. Better than ok.

I know I can do this. Let it be done unto me.

God's Perfect Timing

2011-08-27T19:54:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about these words a lot lately. A lot. And trying to figure out a way to articulate WHY it is that I don't agree with how most people define them. "God's perfect timing," to me, does not mean that your prayers are answered when God feels the timing is perfect.

To me, as has been evidenced in my life, "God's perfect timing," has rather been about the timing of each cross we carry. For those who suffer the cross of childlessness, God knows already when and how (and if) we will be delivered from that cross. For Jane and Mike, it may be 3 years. For Sally and Tom, it may be 8 years. For Cassie and Frank, it may be never. And for Rachel and Chris, it may be 4 months. God is not waiting up in Heaven for us to discover the magic combination of prayers, understanding, and clarity in our cross before granting us the blessing of children. Nor is He waiting until we are at the exact right time of our lives (i.e, "No, they should not get pregnant this year, because they will buy a house this year and it will be too much stress for them. I will wait until NEXT year to give them a child, because then THAT will be perfect timing!")

Call me cynical, but I really don't think God works like that. I know many (who have received their blessings) will disagree.

Instead, I think God already knows in advance what the exact outcome of our cross will be - and the time we have been allotted by God to make something fruitful and beautiful out of our cross is REALLY what His perfect timing is all about.

None of us know when our time will be "up." We can be delivered of our cross at any moment. But we also may be asked to carry it for a lifetime. No matter what the end result, our focus should not be about that future moment which may or may not exist, but on how to use the moments right in front of us, here and now. Despair, complaining, whining, becoming bitter, and anger are not the ways to utilize God's perfect timing.

For those who still carry the cross of childlessness, this post is for you. I feel your pain, particularly lately, as we watch, read, and follow our friends who have been given their blessings. Try to look at it as YOUR blessing - that you have been given more time... more time to grow in love with God, to finally reach a place where you truly understand that the MIRACLE of life is not outside of you, in a child God entrusts to your care. It is, instead, the miracle of your heart being opened to God's will and knowing that Christ loves you SO MUCH He is giving you this time to discover things you may have never discovered without this time.

I am so thankful for the miracle that has come from my childlessness, and I pray the miracles continue to pour forth for me and for all of you!

Allow yourself to feel the pain, allow yourself to listen to God in that pain - He will guide you wherever He wants you to be now.

Because... His perfect timing for discovering His love is ALWAYS NOW.

"Being Open to Life is Not About Being Open to Children." ... Wait... What?

2011-08-23T10:35:00.000-04:00

It might have been best for me to reflect on these words a little more before writing my thoughts as they come to me... but then I'd be more of a Melancholic/Choleric, and not the Choleric/Melancholic I really am ;)

Last night I had my first phone appointment with a Catholic clinical psychologist recommended to me by another blogger. The two-hour appointment was supposed to be mostly my oral biography, so that the therapist could get to know me better. Toward the end of the two-hour session, he had given me more pearls of wisdom than I knew what to do with.

In particular the moment that struck me speechless (a rarity) was when he began speaking of my maternal heart - how ALL women have one, and all maternal hearts ache. He said that like Mary, I should allow my heart to be pierced right now, and allow it to truly bleed. He told me that Jesus is allowing me to decrease so that He can increase, and that, after all, "being open to life is not about being open to children;" rather, it is about being open to whatever Christ has in store for you.

For married couples, being open to life doesn't mean they will become pregnant. Being open to life doesn't mean they will adopt. It may, however, mean that the lives some couples conceive will be given right back to God after miscarriage or infant death. And for others, it may mean being open to the uncertainty that life will ever come in the form of a child. (For still others, it may mean a child WILL come when they are not planning to have one.) When we open ourselves up to being open to LIFE, we are becoming the most vulnerable we have ever been, precisely because we don't know where it will lead us.

"Being open to life is not about being open to children."

I am still wrapping my head around this... this... absolute goldmine of information! Open to life= Open to Jesus alive in your heart.

He went on to say that Mary is not called Our Lady of Joys, she's called Our Lady of Sorrows... yet in her sorrow, she had peace. At the foot of her son's cross, she had PEACE! Why? Because as much as her heart ached, she ALWAYS said "Yes" to God and to His will.

He then said "Don't you imagine that Mary desired more children after Jesus? Yet that wasn't God's will for her, and she was open to the LIFE of Christ in her heart..."

I honestly never thought about that before last night!!! Mary, Our Mother, desiring a house full of children! Yes!! I bet she did!! (Although, really, did she think she'd get a better child than Jesus Christ? Hehehe, talk about sibling rivalry... "Don't touch that, I've already asked you twice! Your brother Jesus never defied me...")

Being open to life. I thought I was... but maybe I have a lot further to go than I realized.

I am open to life... but am I ready to give my all back to Christ in order for Him to take root in my soul and flourish? Am I ready to ACCEPT the true Life that I am open to?

I think I may have said a dozen times last night to my therapist, out of frustration, "I wish I wasn't so human!!"

I feel like I am so close to a huge spiritual step...

I'm ready to take the plunge.

When the Choleric/Melancholic married the Sanguine/Choleric

2011-08-19T10:34:00.000-04:00

(You can read more about our wedding and see pictures here.)

Today is our Fifth Wedding Anniversary. And since we began trying to build our family when we got married, it also marks the completion of our 5th year of infertility. In the past, I would say that this makes today bittersweet. But today, I choose to rejoice.

After all, my husband and I have survived more in the past 5 years of marriage than most couples I know have had to deal with in 45 years. And we're still standing. Our love for each other and for God has grown exponentially. Our understanding of our crosses, as being sources of spiritual growth, has come so very far.

I am reading "The Temperament God Gave You." It is amazing to see just how God is using our crosses to humble us and to better us. As a Choleric I have always tended to celebrate in my accomplishments and resort to believing all good things in my life came to me because of my own dedication, perseverance, and talents. God knew just how best to bring me back to total reliance and trust in Him, by allowing me to see that no matter how much I do, how much I spend, how obsessed I become - I cannot become a mother all on my own.

As a Sanguine, my husband is extremely optimistic, but lacks follow-through. In his youth, he tended to go along with the crowd in his spiritual beliefs, and found love and happiness in the wrong sources, justifying himself along the way. But through our crosses, he has come to know God better than ever, and once he realized that all the love and Truth in the world could be found in Him, he has become one of the most devout Catholics I have the pleasure to know.

My husband and I balance each other so well that sometimes it takes my breath away. God knew all along that he was meant to be my husband and I was meant to be his wife. My Melancholic tendencies can lead to perfectionism at its ugliest, and my husband has often wondered (aloud) if I will "ever be satisfied." I am learning to hone these weaknesses, through my childlessness, and as in the past I used to dwell on what ISN'T, now I try to focus on what IS - to see what is truly important, and to work to improve my life in ways that I can.

One of my husband's greatest strengths is his ability to forgive and forget. And thank God for that, because he has had plenty to forgive me!

Today, we will celebrate the marriage God gave us. We will revel in this amazing journey we've made it through in one piece, and know that no matter WHAT lies ahead, we will survive it. What an awesome day, indeed!! FIVE YEARS of some of the most painful suffering known to man... Thank you, God, for carrying us through!!

Happy 5th Anniversary, to my cheerful, hopeful, outgoing, loving, nurturing husband. Our marriage has stood the test of time, and will forever:

(My gift to hubby: 5th "Wooden" Anniversary)

Swiss Family Robinson- A Lesson for Us All

2011-08-10T21:56:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not, I had never seen Swiss Family Robinson.

DH found it amongst his piles of old movies yesterday and was overjoyed to watch it again; it was his absolute favorite as a boy.

Early on in the film, right after the family is shipwrecked on their way to New Guinea to start a new life, the father of the family begins to plan ahead for what his family will need on this deserted island, not knowing how long they may be there. {On a side note, isn't it hysterical how the parents in old movies call each other "Father" and "Mother?" DH and I have decided to REALLY confuse people and call each other Father and Mother in the presence of others.} So, the mother of the family grows more and more concerned as she sees her husband reacting as if they will not be rescued, and she continues to ask him how long he thinks they will be on the island. When her husband responds that it will only be until a ship comes and rescues them, she says, "Well then, that's what I will pray for with every waking breath."

My gut reaction to this was as follows:

"How stupid! She's going to pray over and over again to get rescued when all the while God has this awesome adventure planned for her? She would completely miss out on all of it if she were rescued! Not to mention the movie would really stink."

And then my next immediate thought was...

"Doh!"

How often have I prayed that God would bless us with children, help us become pregnant, help us adopt, grow our family? All the while, God has known that the movie of MY life is going to be much more interesting than what I would script. (And yes, in case you were wondering, the movie of my life can be found in the Drama Section.) My movie may end with children, or it may not, but the BEST part of it, the meat of the film, will be what happens during the unplanned journey that presented itself to me while I was on my way to starting a new life.

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
So true.

I think it is important to make our desires known to God, but maybe in general our prayers need to be less specific. Our Father, after all, is the ultimate planner and screenwriter.

Now, we do need to make a concerted effort to make the best of these unplanned circumstances that come our way. The movie still would have stunk if the mother resigned herself to the fact that they would never be rescued, that life wasn't worth living, and she would never truly be happy again. Instead, she made the most of it, adapting to the new way of life, and eventually loved it so much that she didn't want to leave the island.

(Given the choice, I think I may still choose to leave the island of infertility, but that's the main difference between "MOTHER" and me ;) )

Ever loving Father, you know the desires of my heart, You who formed me before I was in my mother's womb. Help me now to always do Your will on earth, to never resent the cross I've been given, and to seek only a closer relationship with You, so that one day I may meet You face to face. Help me in my daily trials, and when things become more difficult, let me feel your presence in a more tangible way so that I may remember You always have my best interests in mind. Help me to love others as You love me. Amen.

Gift for Mary

2011-08-08T19:53:00.000-04:00

I think I've finally decided what I will physically give to Mary at the end of the Consecration (Assumption, August 15th), to show her I truly am placing our fertility into her hands.

I will be giving Mary my Creighton Model charts.

I have not charted this cycle, and I will not chart this cycle. Depending on how my symptoms change or don't change (PMS, TEBB, obvious mucus changes, etc.) I may continue to not chart for the rest of the year.

I also will not give myself any ultrasounds.

This may not seem like a big deal, but for me to give over what little control I do have over understanding my fertility signs is pretty big. But I'm giving it a whirl. I don't want to stop charting indefinitely because there is a lot of information that I (and my Drs) can glean from the charting. But seeing as I won't be changing my diet again, or adding any new meds, I figure I'll be alright for the time being.

I already feel a huge weight off my shoulders!

Yesterday at Mass our priest's homily confirmed what we knew we had to do. He spoke about how each of the main players from each reading (Elijah, Paul, and Peter) had to put complete trust in God in order to hear His voice and allow it to resonate in their hearts. Peter did not lose faith when he stepped out of the boat onto the water, but rather, he lost focus. We must keep our focus on God at all times.
At the end of his homily, Father read the famous Footprints poem:

"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

It doesn't matter how many times I've read that poem. It takes my breath away each time I get to the last stanza.

Father finished up by saying that when we are overwhelmed, and have that "sinking" feeling, it is then that we have to have the faith to hand it all over to God.

That is what I am doing now.

Court, Consecration, and Crying

2011-08-05T09:36:00.002-04:00

My anxiety is completely hormonal. I feel SO much better now, on CD 2. Like night. and. day.

I will be going on a higher dose of Naltrexone, and I'll see how that helps in this cycle. I'm not sure what dose I'll end up stopping on, but I'm starting out with 8mgs, going to 16mg, and possibly to 32mgs. My NaPro Dr said some patients even go up to 50mgs, which would be great since then I can get it filled anywhere and not just at a compounding pharmacy.

I want to kick this PMS/anxiety in the butt.

This morning (in 10 minutes, in fact), is my husband's court appointment to "settle" on the amount owed back. Unfortunately for us, the high-risk account that was opened now only has about $2,000 in it, and it was opened with $16,000. If we went forward with an actual trial, we might have been able to prove that his intent was ALWAYS to return the money, as is evidenced by his several DEPOSITS over the year he was the manager. With a good lawyer, we may have had a good shot. However, a good lawyer means good money, AND with our recent string of bad luck, the worst case scenario would be far worse than just paying the fire company thousands of dollars from our own pockets.

It makes me cringe to write those words. I just HATE that they have not only dragged my husband's (and his family's) name through the dirt, but they have also ruined our futures, and completely destroyed our finances. All for what? So that Peter Melick and George Melick could feel like big shots in town? NO ONE CARES!!!

But, we've resolved to just do whatever we need to do to put this behind us once and for all. It was a TOUGH decision, one that made us both (particularly DH) feel like we were giving up and giving in, but sometimes it takes more strength to STOP fighting than to continue fighting.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to my husband's sobs. It broke me. I hate what they have done to him.

Last night as we prayed our Consecration prayers, DH was extremely angry with God and almost refused to pray. He said "I don't even want to do this anymore!! Every single time we do the Consecration, horrible things happen to us!"

And he's right. But today when I woke up refreshed, feeling no more anxiety, and feeling spiritually renewed, I realized that it is a BLESSING that we have been given suffering during our times of intense prayer. There is no better way to pray, in my opinion, than to suffer and to suffer WELL. What a humbling blessing we've been given in this. NOT to say it was fun, exciting, or desired - but it was necessary. God makes all things new.

In the past, several times, in fact, I have offered Mary our fertility at the end of the Consecration. But last night's readings really resonated in my heart:

"In other words, we give her all that we possess both in our natural life and in our spiritual life as well as everything we shall acquire in the future in the order of nature, of grace, and of glory in heaven. This we do without any reservation, not even of a penny, a hair, or the smallest good deed. And we give for all eternity without claiming or expecting, in return for our offering and our service, any other reward than the honour of belonging to our Lord through Mary and in Mary, even though our Mother were not - as in fact she always is - the most generous and appreciative of all God's creatures."

Have I been reserving from Mary a part of my fertility? Most certainly.
Have I been expecting something in return? Highly likely.

Why should I worry? Why should I trouble myself with the hows and whys and try to figure out why on God's green earth He would NOT want us to be parents? I can see now that I have been holding back from Mary, holding steadfastly to all my stress and worry about infertility.

I will be working on putting that into her blessed hands over the next week and a half.

It's tradition to give Mary a gift, a small token as a sign of your promise to her at the end of the Consecration. Typically, I have placed flowers in front of her statue on each Feast of the Assumption (August 15th), but I am looking for other ideas for this year, to show her I REALLY mean it this time :) If you have any good ideas, please let me know!

Yesterday at the NaPro office, about an hour after I started bleeding (and, by the way, I was late and my PMS had disappeared for a few days, prompting me to test and be faced with two BFNs), a couple came in with their first pregnancy after 4 years of actively trying to conceive. It was a joyous occasion for everyone at the office, for obvious reasons, but as I performed her ultrasound it tore at my heart in a way I cannot describe. See, while this couple had been married as long as I have been, and have had infertility nearly as long, they just had their first surgery in May of this year. They conceived two months later. Hardly a comparison of apples to apples.

When I finished their exam and sent them on their way with sonograms of their beautiful 6 week old, the receptionist at our office (who suffered 10 years of infertility and 3 painful surgeries for Stage IV endo before adopting her only son) asked me how I did it: how did I greet patients day after day with a smile on my face and joy in my voice while suffering so intensely? (BTW, she knows all about our adoption issues.) I said, "Honestly, on days like today, when my period just started and I had 3 eggs washed down the drain, and finalized the fact that I will never have been pregnant in my 20s... it's a front. I don't show my inner emotions because that wouldn't be right for the patients who have cause to celebrate. I love my profession, and 27 days out of 28, my joy is real. But I do have to learn to accept the fact that God may not will for me to have children ever, and I'm working on that."

Now, there's something about a friend/co-worker/family member who knows about your infertility but has never suffered from it themselves telling you, "I'm so sorry," when they hear of your failed cycle, or a BFN, etc. It's always nice to hear the concern in their voice, and see the pain in their eyes for you.

But, it's totally different, and so much more personal, when a friend/co-worker/or family member who HAS had infertility and TRULY understands, offers you the same sentiments. The receptionist looked into my eyes, walked over, and gave me a hug. As she walked back to her desk, she wiped a tear away from her eyes which now looked anguished. I recognized in her eyes what I feel in my heart every single cycle.

And I walked into the ultrasound room, and for the first time, I cried at work.

OK, I have an update from court - DH just called and the Prosecutor has now changed his mind and asked for a FIVE year probation instead of the originally agreed upon TWO year probation. DH and his lawyer talked and decided if that is the case, they will go to court because that is the maximum amount that a charge would be on his record anyway. Perhaps this is a blessing?? Perhaps God will lead us through to a not-guilty decision??
Well, no matter what, I know we'll be ok. Jesus, I trust you. Mary, I put my worries in your hands.

Back, and Feeling... better

2011-08-02T09:36:00.000-04:00

I just got back late last night. Being home, helping my parents, and spending time with my family was my prescription for Zoloft.

My father's procedure went really well, and it turns out this heart attack may have saved his life. The Drs said if it had gone on another two weeks with him ignoring the chest pains, he wouldn't be here. But now he's got a stent in and he's good to go, and I hope that he can keep up the good dietary changes we tried to implement for him over the weekend.

As soon as we got up there, we went to the hospital to visit. He was released the next day in the afternoon, and DH and I had already done a big shopping for "heart-healthy" foods rich in Omegas and low in fat and cholesterol. DH was an absolute Saint - he cooked every single meal from the time my father came home, and even "babysat" him and mowed the lawn for him while the rest of us attended my Aunt's wake.

The funeral for my Aunt was yesterday morning, and my Dad was given the go-ahead to attend. I did the first reading, and my Aunt's other goddaughter did the second reading, which I thought was beautiful. It was, of course, very emotional - I've made peace with her passing (though it's still such a shock at only 55 years old), but seeing my Uncle and cousins (younger than me) right in the front, breaking down during the Ave Maria and during my cousin's eloquent, heartfelt eulogy was rather draining.

My cousin had a baby in late April of this year - unplanned, out of wedlock - but now that beautiful baby girl is such a ray of light in that family, and I am happy that my Aunt got to know her granddaughter for a little while.

My Aunt and Uncle actually struggled with infertility for many years before they conceived their oldest daughter, and I so wish I had talked to her about our shared Cross. It actually struck me yesterday as I realized my Aunt's other goddaughter (her only sister's daughter) was born 2 weeks before me - and here my Aunt served as godmother only weeks apart to two babies, all the while her heart was aching for her own. I must say, I know exactly how she must have felt.

Right before I left, my mother-in-law gave me her book for the Bach flowers remedy, and she ran out to the health store to pick some up for me (at my DH's request). The only one they had in stock was the Rescue Remedy, which I think was likely the most appropriate one, and I took a few doses over the weekend. It seems to be helping. Thank you, E, for the tip on that.

I am trying to stay positive and take one day at a time. I'm telling myself repeatedly during the day "Jesus, I trust you," even if I don't believe it fully, saying it over and over helps to calm me. My husband is losing his faith, and I can hear the resentment in his voice as we recite our Consecration prayers every night... I can't say that I blame him, but I just wish God could send us SOMETHING good, to keep us moving forward and not fall into despair.

I have to thank you all for your prayers - so many people, friends, family, bloggers, clients, etc. have contacted me over the past few weeks to tell me they have felt particularly called to pray for me and my DH, and I truly believe those prayers got me through this weekend and to a higher place than where I started. I know God is trying to tell us, through all of you, that He loves us and has not abandoned us. And I'm really holding on to that.

God Bless you all. I pray my next posts will be joyful ones. Enough with the depressing ones!

My Father

2011-07-28T22:06:00.000-04:00

My life has been a whirlwind the past couple of days.

This morning, my aunt passed away. It really was a blessing that she went relatively quickly, because with Stage IV lung cancer it could have been SO much worse. Her suffering is over. My Uncle's, however, is not, and I would ask you to please keep him in your prayers.

I then got a call that sent me over the edge at about 5:00pm. My father went to the ER with chest pain. My mother drove him. They ran some tests and were waiting several hours to see a Dr. The pain subsided, and we all suspected a bad case of heartburn. Then they asked him to stay overnight. I broke down when I heard this, even though everyone assured me that's just "what they do" with any heart-related issues to be on the safe side. My mother-in-law kept saying the same thing - and she was a cardiac nurse for many years.

I called my oldest sister to talk to her about my recent depression and crazy thoughts. She is somewhat of an expert on the matter, since she suffers from bi-polar disorder. I asked her what I should do, where I should go - that I didn't want to be on antidepressants unless I truly needed them, and was worried a psychiatrist would jump right to that. She agreed and said that FIRST, I should get myself into a better zone right now, because this was NOT my usual self and it was ABSOLUTELY hormonal. She said if tomorrow I still feel like I need to seek help, what I want to find is a Clinical Psychologist. She knew exactly where I was coming from and it was refreshing to tell her some of my darkest feelings as of late, and to hear that they are totally normal for someone going these intense hormonal issues. (I was sad to hear about my aunt, for example, but was a basketcase in my car this afternoon moreso about stupid, petty stuff concerning myself. I felt unbelievably selfish on top of utterly depressed. Not a good combination. Thanks, Sew, for talking me off the ledge. Literally.)

Shortly after getting off the phone with my sister, I called my mother to let her know that my mother-in-law suggested that my father put pressure on the tips of each finger - it helps with the heart. My mother sounded like a mess, and it turns out, the cardiologist had just been in there, and he is going to do an angioplasty tomorrow morning on my father. Apparently, he had a heart attack and there is now a possible blockage.

I'll be leaving work tomorrow and driving straight to the hospital. I'll stay through tomorrow, and then Sunday's wake and Monday's funeral for my Aunt.

I seriously don't have any idea how to handle it anymore. I am praying for my period so that hopefully I'll have some reprieve of this insane anxiety and can better cope with things.

I am turning off commenting for unregistered users, because for some reason, anonymous commenters find it appropriate to kick me while I'm down, and as my family members are dying, they decide it's a good time to make fun of me and/or berate me for being a horrible person and friend. Please, I beg you, not today. You can go back to treating me like dirt tomorrow.

Dear God, please deliver me.

Back to our Regular Scheduled Programming

2011-07-27T15:47:00.000-04:00

So much for Naltrexone helping my PMS. I guess I built up a tolerance to it, because the past 3 cycles have been CRAZY with the emotional outbursts, depression, anxiety, fatigue, etc. I even switched back to the compounded form this cycle (I had been compounding it myself.) I mean, it's pretty bad when you find yourself thinking of ways to "kill yourself" without actually "killing yourself," like while driving on a 3-lane highway, what if I just close my eyes right now and go to sleep for an extended amount of time...
yeah. Not good.

Or perhaps the depression today is residual from my afternoon of going to the Women's Clinic at the hospital where I work with my pregnant single (though still legally married, and not to the man who's the father) 41 year old sister-in-law, helping her to sign up for temporary Medicaid and then getting her progesterone monitoring bloodwork. This could have something, maybe, to do with my state of mind at the moment.

Another factor may be that my own progesterone from P+7 (yesterday) was only 33 ng/mL. I know this may sound like a great number, but not when a) I took Femara and ovulated from at least two, possibly three follicles and should now have two or three corpus luteums, and b) last month with only ONE corpus luteum, my progesterone was 49.9 ng/mL.

My body sucks.

I'm sitting at home crying right now. I don't know what to do anymore. Is this my new norm? Crazy-depressed for at least 10 days before every period?? God, I hope not.

I need a nice, long nap. Someone wake me up when I'm 50, please?

30

2011-07-26T13:06:00.001-04:00

On this, the anniversary of Humanae Vitae, the first IVF baby's birth (I kid you not, it was 10 years to the day after Humanae Vitae) and my birth...

I am not really sure how to feel.

I had a lovely surprise party on Saturday, after a trip to the spa for a haircut (I went short!), facial, and nails. All of this was planned by my amazing husband, who knew that celebrating this milestone, for me, would be bittersweet. Sweet because I have a lot to be thankful for, and as a Leo, I ADORE my birthday and celebrate it all month ;) Bitter because, well, as an infertile of 5 years, isn't it obvious? Luckily he had the foresight to plan it for the weekend I was still 29, and holding on for dear life ;)

At the advanced warning of my lovely friend polkadot over at Making God Laugh, I avoided Facebook and the blogs all day on my actual birthday (yesterday, the 25th). But... I didn't avoid my gmail... and wouldn't you know it, I got sneak attacked with a pregnancy announcement from a former infertile- now mother. Yes, I'm happy for her, and yes, she deserves the very best, but I can't help feeling slighted once again as I watch these former infertile girls grow their families exponentially as I get older and older with decreasing fertility.

So, now that my day is over and I'm officially 30... I can say I don't really know how to feel. The dread is over, so that's good. I survived. Another good thing. But I can never go back. I will never be a mother in my 20s.

I hate sounding so whiny about it. I promise, I'm not sitting around my house pouting and lamenting what could have been. Actually, I think I've been doing rather well outwardly. I guess it's just crummy timing that 30 hit when I was already post-Peak.

The 2 week wait. This one began in my 20s, and will end in my 30s. And not only that, it will be my last "really trying" cycle. I've done a lot of soul searching lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep living like this. My NaPro Dr was right. I need to put trying to conceive on the backburner and live my life. My prayers lately have also changed dramatically - I have been telling God that I am happy to accept a life of suffering and childlessness, and I will embrace the cross as long as I live... but if that is His will for me, to please take me while my husband is still able to remarry and become a father.

I'm ok with that. DH says he would never remarry, but I would just find a way to force him.

OK, so maybe that sounds like a morbid prayer, but I don't feel right "accepting" this cross for both of us. It's not fair to my poor husband. It breaks my heart that he has to go through this torture "by default." And here his sisters are getting pregnant every time we turn around. So clearly, he would be just as fertile with any other wife.

Hm. So maybe that stipulation of staying away from the computer on your 30th birthday should really be for the entire week.

I'm at the end of my rope. For the past 2 years I've been saying that; but it feels like I am dangling from the rope, and those last few frayed ends are tied tightly around my wrist - so every time I try to let go, it holds me and keeps me from falling. Oh, how I wish I had the strength to grab it and climb it to safety, or to reach up and cut it from my wrist.

I have a prayer request - since Holy Thursday, my Aunt and Godmother has been in and out of the hospital, suffering several strokes, blood clots in the legs, then discovering Stage IV lung cancer. Things have gotten progressively worse. She is likely not going to make it past today, and in fact, may already be gone (I can't reach my parents). Please pray for her, and her family, especially my Uncle who is an absolute mess.
I appreciate it.

Sorry for the super depressing post. But c'mon, if you're a regular visitor, you've gotta know by now that when you click over to TCIE, you're in for some heartache.

Another Short Race

2011-07-19T22:44:00.001-04:00

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another."

-Walter Elliot

If you're new to reading this blog, you may think what I'm about to tell you isn't true, can't be true. But those of you who have had the, um, pleasure(?) of reading for a while know that I couldn't possibly make this shit up.

My DH came in from watering the plants last night and looked a wreck. He had been on the phone, and asked if I could talk to him. He had just talked his sister out of having an abortion.

That's right. My sister-in-law is pregnant.

Immediately I knew which sister he meant (he has two). As some of you may remember, there was this whole fiasco a couple years ago. I knew if it were that sister, she wouldn't be considering abortion, but rather celebrating her "planned mistake" by starting to make arrangements for a baby shower and everything else.

No. This time, it is the 41 year old, divorced, living-with-her-boyfriend of 15 years her junior and supporting him as he goes back to school.

And to make matters worse, they have been fighting horribly lately, and when he found out about the pregnancy, he apparently yelled all kinds of mean things at her and said he'd pay for the abortion because he knew she'd come after him for child support.

Lovely.

Oh, and let me not forget to add that they apparently made a decision a while ago to stop using "protection," because if it happened, it happened, and they would "deal with it."

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. All the way around. I can't think of any better word to describe this situation.

DH was able to talk her out of abortion, but honestly, I don't think she was really at risk, even though she has had one already (in her early 20s). I know if she was truly considering abortion, her brother who is now devoutly Catholic and pro-life, who has also been battling infertility and praying for a baby for 5 years, would probably be the last person on earth she would call to discuss her plans. I think she called him because she knew in her heart what the right decision was going to be, and needed to hear from someone who agreed with her and would tell her everything would be ok.

But will it?

Yes, we've offered her all kinds of resources for free health and prenatal care (did I mention she does not have a steady income and has no health insurance??), as well as telling her that in the worst case scenario of my in-laws losing their house to foreclosure (a likely possibility), she could live with us with the baby. I am 100% on board with helping her out in any way I can.

But I'm also becoming quite annoyed by the whole thing. I mean, give me a break, this pregnancy for all intents and purposes was PLANNED! And now with no father figure even in the picture, and a quite possibly homeless mother whose business is going bankrupt... why is it that my DH and I are the ones holding her hand through this?? SHE'S 41 YEARS OLD!!!! Get a clue!!! Take responsibility for yourself!!

I realize that at her age this pregnancy truly is a miracle, though to her right now it must be very scary. And I also understand that at her age, she knows this is likely her last pregnancy and only chance to be a mother. But I am praying, and I hope you will join me, that she will at the very least CONSIDER an adoption plan, so that this baby might have a better life than what it seems like it will have now.

This is not my cross to bear, it is hers. But it certainly does add a bit to my burden, too. After we talked for several hours last night, I looked at DH, shook my head, and said to him, "What next? Your 66 year old mother with her tubes tied will get pregnant?" At this point, I really don't think I'd be surprised.

Mourning the Loss of Adoption?

2011-07-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

I have been reading the beautiful posts by Grace in my Heart, Pray, Hope, Don't Worry, and All You Who Hope, among others, who have taken the time to asnwer a list of questions about adoption (questions compiled by GIMH) for others who may be discerning it for themselves. Their answers are all unique in some ways, and unified in others, and reading them had me remembering my own answers to questions like: "How did you know you were ready to adopt?" and "Did you feel like you were 'giving up' trying to conceive when you began the process?"

I can remember so vividly the series of events that lead me to finally begin the adoption process... my grandmother dying of cancer, telling me from her deathbed that she would be praying for me to become a mother in heaven... days later deciding to go to the March for Life (my 1st)... seeing the advertisement for my Infertility Support Group in the Diocesan newspaper for the first time while on the bus to the March... doing a double-take at the ad, and seeing right next to it an ad for a Christian adoption agency... coming home, and sending out an email requesting more information... receiving their introductory letter, which very boldly stated their pro-life position... sending in the pre-application... going to Eucharistic Adoration, praying for my grandmother's intercession, and for God to show me His will... coming home that SAME NIGHT to find our "acceptance letter" to move forward with the agency...

It all seemed so Providential, so right. I knew this was God's plan.

But then, how could we not see the same Providentialism in the timing that ensued? The fact that the Social Worker chosen for us was new to domestic adoption, and while our Home Study should have taken 3-4 months (since we did all of our paperwork quickly), it was in the 5th month that we were lining up the 3rd Home Study appointment (out of 4 total). And it was in the exact same week that our Social Worker decided to "check in" with one of our issues (after sitting on it for 5 months) that that same issue reported a huge problem to our Social Worker (which was a false allegation, but our Social Worker's hands were tied). Then, 6 months later when we re-assessed the situation, it is only a matter of weeks after meeting with the Director of our adoption agency's branch that DH was arrested for yet another issue beyond our control.

God's plan.

I am not saying that to sound bitter or facetious. I KNOW without a doubt that we were MEANT to pursue adoption with that agency, at that time. And I also know without a doubt that we were meant to encounter these roadblocks, and we were meant to suffer an unbearable cross far worse than infertility. The whys I'm still shaky on, but it is not for us to know all of the whys.

And so when I sit back and reflect on this all, it makes me wonder what the next step is - what God is calling us to do. I don't mean the next steps in pursuing parenthood, but rather, the spiritual next steps to becoming closer to God, to living out His will, and to accepting it.

Many, if not most adoptive mothers speak of mourning the loss of pregnancy or of birthing a child. I remember mulling this over when we were in the midst of our adoption education classes, and not knowing exactly how to do this, nor if I really wanted to. Now, it makes perfect sense why I was so resistant to making this step, and I thank God every day that He made me a stubborn Italian, unwilling to admit defeat when it came to my reproductive organs. Because now, my only hope for motherhood is through my own womb.

But I wonder... should I leap that hurdle in the opposite direction? Should I now mourn the loss of adoption?

From those who speak of adoption (and the agencies), mourning the loss of pregnancy can have several benefits, namely, a) it allows you to stop obsessing over the means by which your child will come to you, b) it opens your heart to bonding better with an adoptive child (without any lingering resentment about your own body's failures), and c) it puts adoption itself onto the pedestal it deserves to be on, as its OWN beautiful, specific calling for you and your spouse, not as the Plan B or consolation prize or mandated next step to infertility.

Looking at this through my very unique lens of inadoption, I could possibly gain something from mourning the loss of adoption, namely:
a) I would stop obsessing over the means by which my child will come to me
b) my heart would be opened to bonding better with a biological child (without any lingering resentment about our failures in adoption), and
c) it would put conception, gestation, and birth on the pedestal it deserves to be on, as its OWN beautiful, specific calling for me and my spouse, NOT as a Plan C or consolation prize or mandated next step to inadoption.

Perhaps I have been placing way too much emphasis on a path God may not have in mind for me right now or ever. And perhaps in doing so, my body and soul have not been fully open to receiving the gift of fertility, the gift of conception, the gifts of pregnancy and birth.

This may sound crazy to the majority of my readers. But I'm starting to think I'm onto something here.

Those who mourn the loss of pregnancy aren't "giving up" - they are accepting. Accepting whatever God has planned for them. If that plan includes biological children in the future, I doubt any of those adoptive parents would say, "No, thank you, I have already mourned the loss of my fertility."

Maybe my plan will include adoption in the future. Right now, I can't see how it would ever be possible, BUT, God can certainly see things we can't.

For now, I will be steering my heart in a different direction, by letting go of adoption. Yes, it would have been so much easier for God to build my family through adoption - no one is "pregnant on paper" forever, and we would have been so overjoyed to be a part of that beautiful calling - even to be blessed with just one child.

Now, we will let go of those resentments, let go of those hurtful thoughts and painful memories, to ready ourselves for the possible gift of conception.

A gift we hope and pray God will bless us with, in His time.

The Night I Met Gianna Emanuela Molla

2011-07-13T20:04:00.000-04:00

Last night was like a dream. I can still hardly believe I experienced what I did.

Dr. Gianna Emanuela Molla is the youngest daughter of Saint Gianna Beretta Molla - the Saint who gave her life in order that her daughter (named after her) could live, when she was given the choice between dying herself from the tumor in her pelvis or having an abortion. Gianna Emanuela has never been to the United States before this visit, and generally does not do speaking engagements.

But here she was, in PA last night for a Mass celebrated by Father Frank Pavone from Priests for Life. We had been eagerly awaiting this evening since we first heard about it at Saint Gianna's Feast Day Mass in April.

After Mass, Dr Gianna Molla gave a beautiful testimony, in her wonderful thick Italian accented high-pitched voice, about her mother and father. (Perhaps my favorite part of which was her constant reference to her mother as "Saint Mami Gianna.") Before the recessional hymn, Father reminded us that Gianna would be meeting and greeting us in the cafeteria, and that relics of Saint Gianna would be available for veneration at the front of the church, including a 1st class relic (her hair). DH leaned over to me during the recessional to say, "Something tells me we should go straight to the cafeteria." And so, edging our way through the truckloads of people already in line to venerate the relics, we went straight to the cafeteria. After all... Gianna Emanuela is the flesh of Saint Gianna's flesh - isn't speaking with her more exciting than touching her mother's hair??

Moments later, Gianna Emanuela came through with her escorts (the Presidents of the Saint Gianna Society and the Gianna Physicians Guild). We were inches from her, and just as we turned to go get on line to meet her and speak with her, a beeline came buzzing by us, cutting right ahead of us. There must have been 25-30 people who just zoomed right in front of us. But we were still pretty close, and I thanked DH for suggesting we go meet her first, because soon the line was triple the size, and it kept on growing.

As the first 25-30 people all introduced themselves to Gianna Emanuela, I practiced what I planned to say (in Italian). I wanted very much to speak to Gianna in her native language, which is how I often pray for her mother's intercession, too. But I haven't spoken in Italian in a long time, so I was practicing my grammar in my head. The first few people were STILL speaking to her, and posing for pictures with her, after about 10 minutes on line. It was at this point that the President of the Society made an announcement that we would have to cut the meet and greet short, and that he would lead Gianna Emanuela down the line to shake our hands briefly and say hello, but that we were to please not engage her in conversation or pose for pictures. She had had a long day of traveling, after all, and it was already after 10:00pm (4:00am Italy time).

I was seriously bummed. I had wanted to primarily ask her to please pray for us, and ask for her mother's intercession on our behalf. I also planned to tell her that I was so proud to work for the Gianna Center for Women's Health, and how important her mother had been in my own life. Now, I would have to settle for a handshake.

As she came down the line, suddenly the line sort of mashed into a huddle of people, and her escort was really moving her... so much so, that she passed right over me and instead shook DH's hand who was standing right behind me. I heard him say, in his practiced Italian, "Molto piacere," and then something inside of me nudged me to speak up. Wait, let me re-phrase. My stubborn Italian grandmother nudged me to speak up :) And so, I did:

"Dottore! Le possiamo chiedere per i preghieri, per un bambino?"
(Doctor! May we ask you for your prayers, for a baby?)

At this I saw Gianna Emanuela's eyes widen as she recognized her native language, and she turned to me and reached out her hands to hold mine. She looked directly into my eyes and said, in the most beautiful voice I've ever heard, in a slow, deliberate way:

"By dee greiss ov mai motter, I weel pray for yu."
(By the grace of my mother, I will pray for you.)

Immediately there were tears in my eyes, and I must have said "Mille grazie" about 5 times as her escort had to gently lead her back down the line and get her away from the crazy blonde American girl speaking Italian.

DH turned to me as we left the line and said, "I don't think I've ever heard you speak faster than that!" Clearly the Holy Spirit (and my grandmother, who didn't speak Italian herself on earth but understood it) was working through me to get that message across, and to get Gianna's attention. Normally, I would not be one to speak up in that situation, but I am so so glad that I did, because that is a moment I will never, ever forget.

And yet one more huge blessing to come from this cross of infertility Without this cross, I never would have been where I was last night, never would have had that amazing experience, never would have acquired the prayers of a SAINT'S DAUGHTER! I am so blessed.

NaPro Appt #5,782

2011-07-08T18:17:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my NaPro Dr (#1) squeezed me in for an appointment at the end of a very long week for her, as she prepares to leave for the AAFCP Annual Meeting. This is the first time I won't be attending in 3 years. I'm bummed.

Basically, I just needed to talk to someone other than myself (in my head... just to clarify. I do not go around mumbling things aloud to myself) about the state of my infertility and inadoption, and basically my WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW????? mentality.

The way I put it is that we (DH and I) are no longer in the aggressive mode in terms of treatments. We lack the energy and strength to keep going at that pace (the pace of not-too-long-ago driving into the city for Intralipid injections, flying to Chicago for biophysical uterine profiles, traveling all over the State to finally find a hematologist to prescribe Lovenox, injecting myself with said Lovenox daily, trying Follistim, trigger shots, steroids, getting shingles from said steroids, and basically flooding my body head to toe with so much that it hardly had time to react). Yeah. That pace wasn't fun.

But right now we find ourselves at a crossroads. It's not like we're going to "just give up," because, really, what does that even mean?? In my opinion, to truly "give up" trying to conceive means you are no longer having intercourse on fertile days (in essence, using NFP to avoid a pregnancy) or, contracepting. Because, if you ARE continuing to use fertile days, then you are well-aware that there is always the possibility of a pregnancy resulting. And in that case, there's always going to be the two-week wait - the cyclical "could I be" which is, if you ask me, the very worst part of infertility.

I told this to the Dr, too, and she agreed with me. The NOT KNOWING is the very worst part of this cross. And it's not just the not knowing each cycle if you could be pregnant, it's also the indefinate future - will I ever be pregnant, adopt, have children at all? I would feel 100 times better if someone would just tell me right now if I ever will become a physical mother in this world. And I would feel 100 times better if, after each Peak Day, someone whispered in my ear, "Nope, didn't catch that egg this cycle." At least then I could move on with my life and not live it in constant wondering and worry.

And the stress. Oh, the stress. My NaPro Dr is one of a handful of people in our lives who knows about ALL of our stress factors. And she's the one who said to me that the past two years specifically have been incredibly stressful, and stress can really wreak havoc on the body. She went on to say (and I LOVE her for this), "I am not telling you this because I expect you to DO something about the stress. But I want you to be aware that you have done everything you possibly can to make yourself healthier, and there are outside factors at play right now that you have no control over. I think now is a good time to hand all of that stress back over to God."

Yes. Hand it to God. I would thoroughly enjoy removing this stress from my life and giving it to God... now, how do I do that exactly???

I asked her if she has ever had a patient in our position - who has literally done everything AND cannot (for one reason or another) adopt, and if so, WHAT do they do? And that is when I told her that we don't want to be so aggressive anymore, but at the same time, our desire is still there (and if possible, is getting stronger and stronger every day). What are we to do with that?

She admitted that she never had patients our age who have come to a place where they decided to give up trying to conceive. Usually, it is the older premenopausal patients who try a few years of NaPro infertility treatment and then transition into menopause and into a place of acceptance of not having children. She said she doesn't think I need to "go there." She said I should put trying to conceive on the backburner, and not put myself in the position of, "OK, now what should I try next? Should I take Femara this month? Should I try this or that med next month?" Instead, I should just live my daily life, trying to enjoy the things I used to enjoy, and continue taking anything that I think is helping me to feel better on a daily basis (namely, Naltrexone, progesterone, Trental, and my supplements). At one point during the appointment, I lost my control and started to cry. It was then that I looked up to apologize about losing it, and saw that my Dr had tears in her eyes for us.

I am not giving up. I'm just not racing to a finish line that may or may not be there. More like a brisk walk.

It's a wonderful plan. In theory. But I just don't know how to let all of it go.

I also explained to my Dr about the Creighton Model follow-up I had two nights ago that really upset me. One of my clients had emailed me frantically to meet because she and her husband (who came to me while breastfeeding their first baby, and have been using the system to avoid pregnancy while he secured work... for two years), because she had had two dry cycles in a row and they had decided to try to achieve a pregnancy last month. Surprise- it didn't work immediately this time!! Omgosh, you mean, it may not happen when I snap my fingers??!! So I calmed her down and had her come in for a follow-up to get her lack of mucus figured out (backstory, by the way, is that she had been diagnosed with Stage III endometriosis as a teenager, and it was never removed, and yet she achieved very easily when trying for her first). She was lamenting the fact that they wanted an April baby and planned on trying last month because it would have been the PERFECT timing for a baby, what with her maternity leave, and his summer vacation, etc. etc. Then she said, "And my sister and some of my friends have been trying for a long time, and I kept telling them 'Just be at peace,' but now that I'm in the midst of it, I can't seem to find the peace..." IN THE MIDST OF WHAT, EXACTLY?!?!?!, I wanted to yell at her! Instead, I smiled politely and said, "At the risk of sounding offensive... when we try to make plans for ourselves, God laughs." She nodded and said she totally got it, but was so confused and yada yada...

The whole time I wanted to hit her over the head with her chart and say, "Listen, Fertile Endo Girl, one failed attempt on a DRY CYCLE does not an infertile make. Go home, take B6, and you'll be pregnant next month!!! An April Baby????!!!! An APRIL BABY??!!!! Yeah, I would have liked a baby before I turned 30, I'll take one any day of any month of any year!!!"

But I sucked it up, counseled her, and she and her hubby and adorable 2 year old all went home feeling much better.

And just when I was starting to feel like a great Practitioner, I head to work yesterday morning (at the other NaPro facility) to hear from my colleague that one of my new clients called to cancel her first follow-up with me. And when asked why, she explained to my colleague that she felt very judged during the Intro, and that she took some issue with the fact that I suggested abstaining for the first cycle of charting (every.single.client is given the exact same suggestion at the Intro Session, as all you charters know). She was not an infertility client, rather a mother of 6 who had very recently had a miscarriage. My colleague talked to her about how the Intro is meant to be scientific in nature, and by no means was I telling her what to do that would be best for her marriage, etc. but I can't say that I still wasn't very hurt by that. I go above and beyond in my work as a Practitioner of this system, and for someone to feel judged by me presenting a powerpoint presentation to them is just icing on the crap cake I've been eating all month.

So, I've been down in the dumps lately.

Then, today, I have a phone texting exchange with another charting client of mine that lifted my spirits. She also had a miscarriage earlier this year, and has been a difficult client for a variety of reasons - I had her come in for a follow-up after the miscarriage to discuss it with her and to see how she was doing, and she told me later how much she appreciated it. Today, this was our exchange:

Me: How are you doing today? I've been thinking about you.

C: I'm encouraged... and you? Last time I saw you, you looked so refreshed and renewed. I feel God is doing something brand new in your life!

Me: :) You have no idea how much I needed to hear that right now. I am feeling very overwhelmed with infertility and my 30th birthday this month.

She: Mmmmm I had a feeling... but remember something... the life of a seed has to die before it births into a new creation and it seems like forever until you see it burst forth above the dirt. But underneath what looks like stillness is action we cannot see. THAT my dear friend, is where God does His best work: in secret.

Me: You are a beautiful child of God :) Thank you.

She: And PS, 30 is a beautiful age! I sure am glad for the day of your birth. You have been a great encouragement to me! Allow the people around you to celebrate the YOU that you are! It's a beautiful you! And please don't allow the enemy to take away your joy! Fight him with Praise to Jesus (the devil hates that!) and fight him by encouraging yourself aloud (repeat after me now): Right now my God is thinking loving thoughts towards me... right now my God is making the impossible POSSIBLE... right now my God is more than enough for me, He will supply all my needs. He is my Elshaddi. He always looks out for my best interests!
And REMEMBER THIS: When you're about to become greatly blessed, the devil will greatly try your faith and thus try to steal away your blessing. FIGHT HIM and ask for His angels to surround you as you do so.

Honestly, I have not ever seen this girl socially outside of follow-ups. She is merely a client. I really believe God prompted me to text her today so that He could respond to me through her words. They helped me so much that I thought I'd share them with you, too.

I can't say I'm feeling much better, but at least my soul is doing ok right now. I told my DH that I can literally feel my skin crawling because I'm just so stressed, and he promised me a nice, relaxing evening. On that note, I just heard him walk in the door, so I'm off to relax...

Mockingbirds

2011-07-01T15:32:00.001-04:00

I once wrote a paper of the same title for my college English class. It was about the symbolism of the birds in Tess of the d'Ubervilles (one of my favorite books). The birds, for Tess, are ever-present in her life, watching her grow up on her home farm, flying overhead as she "loses her innocence" to a man who steals it, and throughout her plight of journeying across England to find steady pay, find the love of her life, lose said love of her life, and surrender her soul to a life of unhappiness with the man who caused it to begin with.
(If you haven't read the book, I'm sure I've thoroughly confused you, but do take my recommendation to read it when you can.)

The gist of the paper was that, while these birds could be viewed as a source of comfort to Tess, watching over her and never leaving her side, they could also be seen as a source of mockery. Through every trial, every painful torment that took place in this young girl's life, these birds of flight were overhead, in the trees, or in the air, serving as a constant reminder of the obvious juxtaposition of THEIR freedom against HER prison. They were always out of reach, always able at any moment to fly away - so very different than Tess' reality.

For the past several years, I have known that hawks are my "sign from God" that He has not abandoned me. And for the past several months, I have seen hawks EVERYWHERE (including my week in Florida), sometimes flying right in front of my car. Today, while thinking about the PTI denial, a hawk flew just alongside my car, about 25 feet above me. I have always smiled inwardly when I receive these signs from above, and thank God for being with me in hours of darkness... but today, I remembered Tess and her birds.

Am I supposed to feel better about the terrible things that happen in my life because I know that God is with me through it all? Yes. I probably should. I know that is the logical answer of a believer in God. But I can't help feeling jaded, and like I am being mocked much like the Tess of the d'Ubervilles.

I hate to sound this way, because I know I am starting to PMS and this isn't how I feel the majority of the month. But right now, I am feeling more than a little pissed off. Why do I have to be the one who's content with seeing a hawk fly overhead??!! Why does everyone else get a great, big miracle to prove to them that God loves them and has been hearing their prayers, and I have to settle for a freaking bird???

Ugh, I truly hate myself this week of the month. I sound so completely ungrateful for the blessings of our home, our health, and the AMAZING news of DH's new job. No, I have not forgotten those. And I thank God every day for those blessings. But... what is it all worth? If I could conceive and adopt, wouldn't I trade my money and house and all material things for the one greatest gift of all- The gift of life? In a heartbeat. I would give it all up without flinching.

To steer off-topic just a bit (or maybe to gear myself back towards some good news), I got my P+7 results today, from last Monday. My NaPro Dr ran some extra tests, and here are the results:

Progesterone: 49.9 - Ok, then, I guess that answers my question as to whether extended use of progesterone can build up a resistance in your body. Clearly not.

Estradiol - 169

LH: 1.3

FSH: 1.8

(So, this is HUGE. In PCOS, the LH:FSH ratio is reversed, and there is more LH in your system on a constant basis. This is why OPKs don't work well for women with PCOS. The last time I checked these hormones, my Dr said that the only thing about my bloodwork that showed I ever even had PCOS was my LH:FSH ratio. Now? IT IS NORMAL!!! I have no reversal!! The diet has worked!!!)

Testosterone and DHEA were low. The latter being low is a response to stress.

My T3/reverse T3 ratio is low, at 4.7. Optimally, Dr Hilgers likes it over 10, but they see the most obvious problems at around 2 or 3. My Dr said most women who are over 5 have no problems... again, this is caused by stress.

But gee, what do I have to be stressed about???

My Vit. D is 68, which is great and where I'd like it to stay. I take 4,000 units daily.

I'm not addressing these hormone levels (the ones that are out of range) just yet. Dr D, my California NaPro Dr who is overseeing my dietary changes and intestinal health, wants me to wait a few months after Clear Passage, and then get another FULL hormone panel done, throughout the cycle. I have no doubt my stress hormones were wonky this month.
(But then again, my DHEA has been low before... I have chronic stress.)

I may start taking a low dose of DHEA, 5 mgs. Since clearly I don't know how to de-stress. Any suggestions? Is there an over-the-counter tranquilizer?

And the Ball Has Dropped.

2011-06-30T16:53:00.000-04:00

PTI denial appeal was denied.

The initial court time was 9:00am but it was postponed for 1:30pm. I had the afternoon off to study some more before my Ultrasound Physics Registry Exam tonight at 5:30pm, so I quickly made the decision that losing out $200 for the test registration was worth being at court with DH. (I couldn't take off work to be there this morning, because other people's ovaries don't care about my personal life ;) - and, I love that I can be available for people when they need it.)

I tried so hard to not break down after the ruling, to be strong for DH, just as I had told him beforehand that even the worst case scenario would mean that someday we can attempt fostering. And I wasn't lying. I really felt, before we went in, that everything would be ok, NO MATTER WHAT the outcome. But for some reason (um, maybe because there was a friggin' PREGNANT LADY sitting right smack in front of me in the courtroom the entire time- what the hell?????!!!) I just lost it thinking about not being able to adopt.

Friends, I need your prayers now more than ever. I know God has a plan for us. Please pray that He will bring lightness out of this darkness.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us.
St Joseph, pray for us.
St Anthony, pray for us.
St Rita, pray for us.

And With Two Days Left to My Novenas...

2011-06-28T18:37:00.000-04:00

As you'll remember, I've been saying this 30-Day St Joseph Novena since June 1st, in anticipation of THE court date on Thursday which will decide once and for all if DH gets approved for Pre-Trial Intervention (PTI).

I also began this Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots, to end on June 30th.

But what most of you don't know is that my husband and I started yet a third Novena to Our Lady of La Leche a few days ago. Usually I'm not one to pray more than one Novena at once, but the timing of these Novenas falling into my lap made me feel like it was crucial for me to do each one of them NOW.

A commenter on my blog offered to send me some rock powder from Our Lady of La Leche. I responded that I would be thrilled if she could send me some, but then I didn't hear back from her for a while (about a month - but don't worry, R, I was too busy to notice anyway!!) Then just this past week, she responded that she was going to get it in the mail asap, and it arrived late last week. It was then, and only then, that I realized how very special this gift from someone who had never met me was. I had mistakenly thought that the rock powder was from the shrine to Our Lady in St Augustine (the one I recently visited). Oh, no. This rock powder, as tradition claims, is from the Holy Family's Flight to Egypt, during which time Our Lady fed the baby Jesus, spilling some of her milk upon the rocks - creating this milky-white powder.

Can we say - WOW?!?!?!

I do understand that this is tradition, and not Church doctrine by any means, but I still feel amazed to be in possession of something that may very well have come from Mary, herself!!!

The instructions were for me and DH to take some grains of the powder in water for 9 days, reciting the 3rd Joyful Mystery. That's it. Definately simple enough for me to master :)

So, our intentions during these Novenas have been many. Each morning, and each night, I pray:

a) for PTI to come through on Thursday
b) for DH to find a reliable-income job, that makes him happy, and keeps us financially secure
c) for my work intentions (more on this momentarily)
d) for healing from our infertility (and actually, I've been more specifically praying that we conceived THIS cycle... no beating around the bush this time!!)
e) that we may one day be able to adopt and/or foster

Poor Mary and St Joseph must have to write lists to keep all my intentions straight.

Well, the graces have already begun to flow, and I can only hope that all of my prayers over the past 5 years and beyond are coming to fruition now.

About a month ago, my NaPro Dr announced that she will be moving into a new building in September, and also taking on a new Dr who just went through the NaPro training herself (after having two of her patients suffer strokes from the birth control pill in the same week). She had asked me to increase my hours to serve in more capacities when the new Dr starts, which is next month. Additionally, and even more exciting, is that simultaneously, the hospital that owns the Gianna Centers (the one in NYC and the one in NJ where I also work) is "talking" to my NaPro Dr about bringing her on-board as yet a third Gianna Center! THIS would mean wonderful things for NaPro patients on the East Coast, and personally for me, it would mean going from 1/2 time at my highest-paid salary (with the Gianna Center NJ) to FULL-TIME, virtually doubling my salary instantly. So, I would still go back and forth between offices daily, but I would be on the hospital payroll at both locations.

Developments have looked promising for this to happen all month...

Then, almost immediately after starting the Mary, Undoer of Knots Novena, DH calls me at work to tell me that one of the construction jobs he's been working tirelessly on for months is submitting their down-payment (including all overhead and profit) on July 10th. This amounts to $45,000, to be split three ways - 1/3 into the company, 1/3 for DH's parents, and 1/3 for us - $15,000. I cannot even tell you how BADLY we need that money right now. It probably was not the wisest decision for us to go to Clear Passage this month, because it really left us completely broke. But I am seeing now that God most certainly does provide!

That's not all.

Just after starting the third Novena, to Our Lady of La Leche, DH called me today to tell me he GOT A JOB!!!!! And that's not even the best part! He got a job in construction, as a site manager, which means that he will be working very similar hours to me and NO weekends!!! (Had he landed a Chef job, it would have kept us from seeing each other... at all.) Plus, the position pays more than what his "stipulated" salary with his father is supposed to pay!!! I am SO happy about this!!!

Other things are happening, too - I had wanted to (eventually) offer my expertise on NaPro-specific ultrasound as a "trainer" for anyone interested in becoming a Sonographer for a NaPro Center. I had even talked it over with my NaPro Dr as a possibility for the future. Well, it would seem that my services are already in great demand, and I have been approached about offering the training this summer! 5 years ago when I saw the Creighton Model Introductory Session and thought to myself "I'd love to do this someday," never did I imagine just how involved I would be in this beautiful work, and just how many lives I would be able to touch. God is so amazing.

Two more days before the court date. Oh, please, dear God, keep this ball rolling...

and a pregnancy would also be much appreciated :)

Today, I'm a Depressed Italian :(

2011-06-25T15:42:00.000-04:00

The typical infertile has a short-term focus:

Step 1, Step 2, and Step 3 - to get pregnant.

Step X, Step Y, and Step Z - to get matched for adoption.

We become so fixated on those few steps we need to do just right in order to achieve our goal, that we don't have much time to think about all of the rest of the steps that follow AFTER our goal has been met.

But in talking over our similar diets for food intolerances with Sew Hormonal, it suddenly dawned on me that my future is not going to be what I had envisioned for my family. Not at all.

You see, growing up with an Italian mother and grandmother who were both ALWAYS in the kitchen cooking something, I knew that someday I would be cooking those same recipes, with my children yelling and playing in the background. I knew those meals would bring back all of the warm memories of my grandmother and of my childhood, and that her very personal and special way of making "gravy" (which is what any REAL Italian calls tomato sauce made with meat or fish) would live on forever through the generations. In short, I wanted my home to smell the way my childhood home always smelled - like a pot of gravy up on the stove :)

Now I realize that not only will I likely need to stay dairy-free for the rest of my life (it was having such OBVIOUS bad effects on me, that literally the same week I eliminated dairy, I noticed huge improvements in my health), but I probably should stay gluten-free, too. And while not everyone has gluten and dairy intolerances, I do think there is something to be said for the fact that there is SO much carbohydrates and dairy in our American diet (along with processed foods), that it is likely a good idea to keep those foods at a minimum for any children that may come into my life. (Though I may have to pry the cheese out of my husband's dead, lifeless hands like Charlton Heston's rifle.)

And so, what does that mean for the future generations of the Viola.s and Grillo.s?

What it means is that we won't be having:

Gravy
Spaghetti
Linguini
Fusilli
"Macaroni" (what we called anything that wasn't long pasta)
Stuffed Shells
Italian bread
Garlic bread
Pizza
Chicken Parm
Eggplant Parm
...

the list goes on.

And trust me, unless the EXACT same ingredients are used, in the EXACT way, it just is NOT the same. So, gluten-free/dairy-free alternatives will not cut it when it comes to recreating a family staple.

These are the foods I lived on growing up. And quite possibly, these are the foods that, when given in overload, caused intolerances in me. I do not want to do that to my children.

But I feel like I'll be robbing them of the joy of Italian cuisine - the joy of my family's talent.

It is so hard.

Man. Now I am really craving eggplant parm.

There'd better be no food intolerances in heaven :) Grandma, start cooking now, cuz I am going to FEAST like no other when I get up there!!

Mary, Undoer of Knots Novena

2011-06-21T19:33:00.000-04:00

I will be starting this Novena tomorrow, June 22nd, and ending on June 30th. There are many knots in my life right now, most of which all of my regular readers already know about, but some that are also more private knots. I ask you all, if you have the time, to please join me in prayer over the next 9 days in this Novena. I've copied everything from the website here below:

Novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots
Unfailing Novena To The Virgin Mary Untier of Knots

How this devotion started?

To show us the mission granted to the Virgin Mary by Her Son, an artist Johann Melchior Georg Schmittdner painted Mary Undoer of Knots with great grace. Since 1700, his painting has been venerated in the Church of St. Peter in Perlack, Augsburg, Germany. It was originally inspired by a meditation of Saint Irenaeus (Bishop of Lyon and martyred in 202) based on the parallel made by Saint Paul between Adam and Christ. Saint Irenaeus, in turn, made a comparison between Eve and Mary, saying:“Eve, by her disobedience, tied the knot of disgrace for the human race; whereas Mary, by her obedience, undid it”.

But what are these knots?
There are the problems and struggles we face for which we do not see any solution … knots of discord in your family, lack of understanding between parents and children, disrespect, violence, the knots of deep hurts between husband and wife, the absence of peace and joy at home. There are also the knots of anguish and despair of separated couples, the dissolution of the family, the knots of a drug addict son or daughter, sick or separated from home or God, knots of alcoholism, the practice of abortion, depression, unemployment, fear, solitude…Ah, the knots of our life! How they suffocate the soul, beat us down and betray the heart’s joy and separate us from God.

Day after day, more and more Christians kneel to pray to Her as soon as they meet the Mother of the Fair Love. Many families have become reconciled! Many diseases have been healed! Many spouses have returned to the Church! Many jobs have been given! Many conversions have taken place! Many Catholics have been on their knees praying and giving thanks for graces received from our sweet Mother. For that reason, Mary Who undoes the knots, Who was chosen by God to crush the evil with Her feet, comes to us to reveal Herself. She comes to provide jobs, good health, to reconcile families, because She wants to undo the knots of our sins which dominate our lives, so that – as sons of the King – we can receive the promises reserved for us from eternity. She comes with promises of victory, peace, blessings and reconciliation.

Then, free from our knots – filled with happiness, we can be a testimony of the Divine Power in this world, like pieces of God’s heart or small bottles of perfume exhaling mercy and love to our neighbor. Like ambassador of Jesus Christ and the Virgin of the fair love, we can rescue those who cry without any consolation, those who are lonely, tied with knots, who have no God, no Father nor Mother.

Mother of the Rising Sun, Immaculate, our Advocate, Helper in moments of affliction, Mother of God and made by Him our Mother, this is how Mary, Undoer of Knots is presented. Above all, She comes as the Queen of Mercy, the one who knows all about us, who has compassion for us and hurries to rescue us, praying for each one of us to Her beloved Jesus.

(source: http://www.maryundoerofknots.com/history.htm)

For more information on this beautiful devotion:
http://www.desatadora.com.ar/titulo-i.htm
http://www.mariequidefaitlesnoeuds.com/GB/index

The Novena has the Cardinal ecclesiastical approval, receiving the "NIHIL OBSTAT and IMPRIMATUR
Imprimatur Paris Archdiocese

Novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots - Day 1
1. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.
Oh my God I am heartily sorry for having offended you. I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell. But most of all, because I offended you, oh my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 1

Dearest Holy Mother, Most Holy Mary, you undo the knots that suffocate your children, extend your merciful hands to me. I entrust to You today this knot....and all the negative consequences that it provokes in my life. I give you this knot that torments me and makes me unhappy and so impedes me from uniting myself to You and Your Son Jesus, my Savior.
I run to You, Mary, Undoer of Knots because I trust you and I know that you never despise a sinning child who comes to ask you for help. I believe that you can undo this knot because Jesus grants you everything. I believe that you want to undo this knot because you are my Mother. I believe that You will do this because you love me with eternal love.

Thank you, Dear Mother.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

The one who seeks grace, finds it in Mary's hands.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots - Day 2
1. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 2

Mary, Beloved Mother, channel of all grace, I return to You today my heart, recognizing that I am a sinner in need of your help. Many times I lose the graces you grant me because of my sins of egoism, pride, rancor and my lack of generosity and humility. I turn to You today, Mary, Undoer of knots, for You to ask your Son Jesus to grant me a pure, divested, humble and trusting heart. I will live today practicing these virtues and offering you this as a sign of my love for You. I entrust into Your hands this knot (...describe) which keeps me from reflecting the glory of God.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

Mary offered all the moments of her day to God.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots - Day 3
1. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 3

Meditating Mother, Queen of heaven, in whose hands the treasures of the King are found, turn your merciful eyes upon me today. I entrust into your holy hands this knot in my life...and allthe rancor and resentment it has caused in me. I ask Your forgiveness, God teh Father, for my sin. Help me now to forgive all the persons who consciously or unconsciously provoked this knot. Give me, also, the grace to forgive me for having provoked this knot. Only in this way can You undo it. Before You, dearest Mother, and in the name of Your Son Jesus, my Savior, who has suffered so many offenses, having been granted forgiveness, I now forgive these persons...and myself, forever. Thank you, Mary, Undoer of Knots for undoing the knot of rancor in my heart and the knot which I now present to you. Amen.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

Turn to Mary, you who desire grace.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary Undoer of Knots - Day 4
1. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 4

Dearest Holy Mother, you are generous with all who seek you, have mercy on me. I entrust into your hands this knot which robs the peace of my heart, paralyzes my soul and keeps me from going to my Lord and serving Him with my life.
Undo this knot in my love...., O mother, and ask Jesus to heal my paralytic faith which gets down hearted with the stones on the road. Along with you, dearest Mother, may I see these stones as friends. Not murmuring against them anymore but giving endless thanks for them, may I smile trustingly in your power.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

Mary is the Sun and no one is deprived of her warmth.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots - Day 5
1. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 5

Mother, Undoer of Knots, generous and compassionate, I come to You today to once again entrust this knot...in my life to you and to ask the divine wisdom to undo, under the light of the Holy Spirit, this snarl of problems. No one ever saw you angry; to the contrary, your words were so charged with sweetness that the Holy Spirit was manifested on your lips. Take away from me the bitterness, anger and hatred which this knot has caused me. Give me, o dearest Mother, some of the sweetness and wisdom that is all silently reflected in your heart. And just as you were present at Pentecost, ask Jesus to send me a new presence of the Holy Spirit at this moment in my life. Holy Spirit, come upon me!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

Mary, with God, is powerful.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots - Day 6
1. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 6

Queen of Mercy, I entrust to you this knot in my life...and I ask you to give me a heart that is patient until you undo it. Teach me to persevere in the living word of Jesus, in the Eucharist, the Sacrament of Confession; stay with me and perpare my heart to celebrate with the angels the grace that will be granted to me. Amen! Alleluia!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

You are beautiful, Mary, and there is no stain of sin in You.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots - Day 71. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 7

Mother Most Pure, I come to You today to beg you to undo this knot in my life...and free me from the snares of Evil. God has granted you great power over all the demons. I renounce all of them today, every connection I have had with them and I proclaim Jesus as my one and only Lord and Savior. Mary, Undoer of Knots, crush the Evil One's head and destroy the traps he has set for me by this knot. Thank you, dearest Mother. Most Precious Blood of Jesus, free me!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

You are the glory of Jerusalem, the joy of our people.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots - Day 8 1. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 8

Virgin Mother of God, overflowing with mercy, have mercy on your child and undo this knot...in my life. I need your visit to my life, like you visited Isabel. Bring me Jesus, bring me the Holy Spirit. Teach me to practice the virtues of courage, joyfulness, humility and faith, and, like Isabel, to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Make me joyfully rest on your bosom, Mary. I consecrate you as my mother, Queen and friend. I give you my heart and everything I have (my home and family, my material and spiritual goods.) I am yours forever. Put your heart in me so that I can do everything Jesus tells me.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

Let us go, therefore, full of trust, to the throne of grace.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots - Day 91. Make the sign of the cross

2. Say the Act of Contrition. Ask pardon for your sins and make a firm promise not to commit them again.

3. Say the first 3 decades of the Rosary.

4. Make the meditation of the day (to be posted each day)

5. Say the last 2 decades of the rosary

6. Finish with the Prayer to Our Lady the Undoer of Knots

Meditation for Day 9

Most Holy Mary, our Advocate, Undoer of Knots, I come today to thank you for undoing this knot in my life...You know very well the suffering it has caused me. Thank you for coming, Mother, with your long fingers of mercy to dry the tears in my eyes; you receive me in your arms and make it possible for me to receive once again the divine grace.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, dearest Mother, I thank you for undoing the knots in my life. Wrap me in your mantle of love, keep me under your protection, enlighten me with your peace! Amen.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me.

PRAYER TO MARY, UNDOER OF KNOTS (Closing Prayer)

Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of his children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the Evil One himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot...I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me

A Delayed Emotional Response

2011-06-19T18:06:00.000-04:00

I may be having a delayed emotional response to the therapy. Or, perhaps I'm just being more pensive than usual and letting things get to me.

I'm beginning to realize just how many children could have been members of our family at this point. From May 2007, we could have had one, two, three, or even four biological children. And from June 2009, we could have been matched and placed with ANY one of the adoptive children with our agency. I try not to think about this fact for obvious reasons, but sometimes it just stares me in the face and I wonder what is it all for? I see the blessing in our infertility (or rather, blessings plural). I just can't see any blessings in our not being able to adopt or foster.

Today, my husband could have been, SHOULD have been celebrating his first or even second Father's Day, had we been approved to adopt in June 2009. It breaks my heart that for whatever reason, God decided those children were not meant to be ours.

I've been praying and trying very hard to get to a place where childless living can be full of love and joy and peace for us, at all times, not just sporadically. But I think as long as my heart beats, it will beat for the children who will never call me "Mommy."

It may not help that I'm pretty sure I already ovulated, and I was basically dry this entire cycle with the exception of some crummy mucus that may have been seminal fluid. This cycle is definately not a good one.

Shoot, I really hope this is an emotional release from the therapy, and not my newfound crappy attitude :(

Undoing Knots

2011-06-17T18:57:00.000-04:00

I figured this is a good blog post title for today for a few reasons. Obviously I am hoping that this Clear Passage treatment undid many of the knots preventing my reproductive organs from functioning as they should. I am also hoping that the HUGE knots preventing us from adopting will begin to unravel, starting with a good outcome at the next court date on June 30th. So, I've decided to start a Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots again (yes, I've done this Novena before, several times) - but maybe more earnestly this time around.

Today's final treatment sessions were very emotional for me. It was both sad and scary to think that this is it. The end. There are NO other treatments I have not yet tried, and if this doesn't work, I will never conceive. I am hopeful but overwhelmed with fear all at the same time.

Both E and K were SO wonderful this week, and my last treatment of the day was scheduled with K (aka Stubby). As I gave E a hug goodbye, I got choked up. After all, she knows me intimately after this week. Aside from having a good working knowledge of my rectum and cervix, we also spoke a lot about our adoption issues. As K was finishing up the final session of the day, she felt that one of my large restrictions was on the cusp of letting up, and she asked if I could stick around for a while. OF COURSE I CAN! She had a phone consult to do at 4:00pm, so she stepped out for a bit, and then suddenly E came back in the room! She said she was on her way out when K told her she was going to do some more work on me, and she decided to stay and also treat me some more :) Yay!!

It's a good thing I got that last hour in, too, because I felt things in that hour that I hadn't felt all week long. When the pain got so intense from stretching the band of adhesion, it shot right into my spinal cord. Then, suddenly my lower pelvic area and legs were AFLAME! That happened about 3-4 times while working on my very stubborn restriction around the doudenojejunal junction (DJ junction), descending down and medially to the pubis. Then at a certain point I even felt my face get very hot and flushed. She said there were certainly areas that were still slightly restricted, but that the majority of that area is much, much better.

And now onto the good stuff.

I asked K (who has been working at Clear Passage for a long time) what is the typical timeframe for most people in having success achieving pregnancy after treatment. (E had told me that while she has been there, no one has conceived the same cycle as treatment.) K, however, said that there have been some cases of people conceiving the same week as treatment, and that MOST pregnancies occur by 14 months after treatment. She said the longest she's seen was 4 years, but that was one rare instance.

I am determined to be the first one E has seen get pregnant the week of treatment!!

I have been sent home with many exercises that I need to do every day, and also DH has been trained how to manipulate my abdominal organs and work out restrictions that shouldn't be there. (He was good at it, too! I think being a Chef lends itself nicely to knowing how to distinguish the feel and consistency of things, if that makes sense.) We got to pick out a massage tool to help me work on myself (they gave it to me for free!) and then I also asked if I could have the leftover Pre-Seed in the almost-empty bottle to use this weekend ;) She gave me a full bottle!

I can't say enough about how very nice they were. I gave them, as they requested, the links for FertilityCare.com and NaProTechnology.com, as well as Dr Hilger's new book on medical and surgical NaPro (available at Amazon). K brought in someone's Creighton chart to show me!! Apparently the patient had brought color copies of her Creighton chart and explained a little bit about how it worked to K during her treatment! Hahaha!

It will feel odd not being poked and prodded tomorrow. This week was such a healing week, and my body (and mind) are still processing a lot of it. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on this to share with you next week.

In any event, I will be starting my Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots, on June 22nd, to end on June 30th. June 30th is also when my 30-Day Novena to St Joseph will end. June 30th is the date of the court proceeding deciding if DH got PTI. I will take my Ultrasound Physics Registry Exam on June 30th. And, if things go accordingly, I will also be able to take a home pregnancy test on June 30th. Should be an interesting day, to say the least.

I'll post the Novena here on the 22nd for anyone who would like to join me.

Gotta run, I am meeting up with MTA and her hubby tonight for dinner in Gainesville, AS WELL AS a dear friend from the C.atholic F.ertility Yah.oo group who is miraculously pg after 10 years of primary IF (and going through Dr Kwak-Kim treatment unsuccessfully, like me) :) Can't wait to meet her!

Day 4 Clear Passage and Comments

2011-06-16T18:20:00.000-04:00

Ugh, I am SO TIRED of Blogger messing with my comments on some of my favorite blogs!! I must apologize, namely to Misfit and Martha Trying to Be Mary, for having SO MUCH to say to you and not being able to!!

Martha, here's what I just tried to comment on your latest wonderful news:

I had a feeling there would be a celebration in Mexico City today :)

The Magnificat was sung as a Responsorial Psalm at our wedding, and I can think of no better time to repeat the wonderful chorus than on this very happy day! Congratulations, E!!

And Misfit, I unfortunately didn't cut and paste what I wanted to write on your last few posts..,. but trust me, it was perfectly eloquent and appropriate.

In other news, I survived Day 4 of Clear Passage, the last part of which involved some soothing rectal massage (and yes, I'm being facetious). I am in general feeling very sore today, but as they were manipulating a lot of the areas of restriction today, the specific areas were feeling a lot better and "looser." I kid you not, I am ALWAYS complaining about my beer gut (and I don't drink beer) - just ask Sew - it seems like every day of my cycle I am so extremely bloated and my belly is extended. Today, I see a huge difference. DH sees it, too. Pretty amazing stuff.

Today I asked the therapist why it may be that I haven't experienced the intense emotional response that many people have during adhesion release. She said that it doesn't happen to everyone, and that quite possibly, I may be better than most people at processing my emotions as they come, and not repressing them. That actually seems very likely to me. I didn't always used to be that way, but infertility has humbled me in ways I never thought possible, so that now I rarely have unforeseen meltdowns. Thank God for my blog and all of you, because I'm sure blogging has been one of if not the largest emotional outlet for me over the past 3 years.

I'm heading out on the town to listen to live jazz music, so I'll check back in tomorrow.

Clear Passage Day 3

2011-06-15T17:24:00.001-04:00

Another brief update, not because I have any pressing business to attend to, but because I'm not feeling so hot.

The therapy is going great. But it's definately not all warm and fuzzy feeling all the time. Actually, maybe less than 5% of the time does it actually feel GOOD. But I am reminded by the therapists that the intense pressure and even pain indicates to them where spots need to be worked on. For example, they worked today on a lot of diaphragm restriction that I (apparently) have, but not directly on the diaphragm. They found a connecting line down on the liver, near the gall bladder, and it was all honkey-dorey until I tried to take a deep breath and thought I was being stabbed through the liver. The therapist was happy (and she was the only one), because this meant that she was on the "right" spot. She told me to continue breathing through it as much as possible.

Of course, at any time that I find the pressure to be too intense to handle, I tell them. They said it won't help me to endure it just for the sake of doing what I think is best, because then my tissue will actually work against them by tensing up. DH says I do this all the time - just endure pain and not speak up about it, so I've been working on that this week ;)

Another particularly tight area on my body are my sides, all the way from my shoulders to my lower pelvis. When they worked on those it felt like someone had given me a very weak local anaesthetic and was cutting me open with scissors from hip to ribcage. Lovely :)

The internal work is mostly geared towards softening my cervix, which was very tight/adhesed to begin with. After each internal session, the therapist remarks that she feels a lot of progress. Well, that's because my cervix is an overachiever, thankyouverymuch. You go, girl.

I have been experiencing a few constant dull headaches after treatment, which they also said is common due to the increased flow of blood to the brain.

Other than that, not much to report.
Here's a picture I sent Sew after yesterday's treatment:

Looks like Shelby's been running nails up her belly.

St Augustine, Blogger Meeting, and Day 1 of Clear Passage

2011-06-13T19:21:00.000-04:00

I'm going to have to keep this short because I'm exhausted, but I did want to post some pictures from St Augustine. Yesterday after Mass, DH and I drove 2 hours to St Augustine, where the first Marian shrine is located (Our Lady of La Leche, often invoked for prayers for motherhood and healthy pregnancies). I remember my Creighton Model Practitioner telling me about visiting the shrine, and I was so excited to be able to finally get there!

And another great part was that I finally got to meet "More Than Anything" and her husband! They were so, so sweet, and aside from Mr MTA being a Red Sox fan (blech!) they were perfectly awesome in every way ;)

Here are some pictures from the trip:

This is the Cross on the ground of the shrine, to commemorate the place where the first Catholic Mass was celebrated in the new world. The cross can be seen 25 miles from sea. It's ginormous, the pictures does it NO justice.

Here is a mosaic of Our Lady of Guadalupe (who will forever hold a special place in my heart, thanks to E from "A Martha Trying to Be Mary.")
You can't see it in this picture, but off to the left was the TINIEST little sign with an arrow pointing behind this mosaic, which read, "Juan Diego." So, we walked around to the back and this is what we saw:

Here is a statue of a very malnourished St Joseph (don't ya think?!)

And here is the shrine (in a tiny chapel covered in ivy):

Mr and Mrs TCIE

The shrine was so humble and beautiful. I LOVED it there.

After our time at the Shrine (and the gift shop, which was equally as wonderful, in particular the small statues of Jesus playing football and practicing karate), we went to a lovely dinner with the MTAs, then walked through part of the historic center of town. Here are some pictures from the inside of the St Augustine Basilica:

Infant of Prague at the side chapel

Here we are lighting a candle in front of St Joseph - praying for PTI to come through at the end of the month. Didn't realize the sneaky MTAs were taking a picture ;)

So today I had my first therapy session at Clear Passage. I immediately knew I was in the right place at the right time. This place is wonderful. The therapists are awesome (including Stubby), and even knew about the Creighton Model and NaPro Technology! We spoke a lot about fertility treatments (the real "treatment" treatments, not the ones they CALL treatments that don't actually fix anything), and it was refreshing to speak with women who have the same mindset about holistic approaches to healthcare. Right off the bat, I noticed KY Jelly and Femmeglide on one of the desks in the treatment room, and I asked the therapist if she would mind NOT using those for the internal part of my massage, and instead using water for lubrication. She said, "Oh, I can certainly use water if you'd like, but we also have Pre-Seed for those who are near ovulation." OK, yes, I love this place.

I did have some internal therapy today, and it wasn't bad at all. There was pressure but no pain. I think after the Dr S special pelvic exam, I was ready for the worst ;) Actually, parts of the external massage were much more uncomfortable than the internal, and I was warned that I may feel like my skin was tearing, like I was being poked with hot pokers, and burning sensations. I may even feel like they are poking me after therapy is finished for the day (they said others have experienced this and while it may be weird, it's normal). What's interesting is that through the initial assessment and treatments from today, they've ascertained already that the right side of my pelvis and lower abdomen are much more restricted than the left. The reason I find this interesting is that my right ovary is the "lazy" ovary that rarely ovulates on its own. I also had a ton of discomfort right behind the umbilicus, shooting right into my back. This is the site of both laparoscopy incisions.

After treatment today, both therapists said they were already sensing a lot of release - mostly superficially- and that they will be going "deeper" through the week.

More throughout the week, I'm off to go drink tons of water (a requirement of theirs) and watch some tv.

Happy Feast Day of St Anthony!

"Why Does Everything Always Happen to ME????!!!"

2011-06-10T11:09:00.000-04:00

I put my title in quotes because I feel like Rachel in Friends right about now - in the episode where she is looking for a new pediatrician for her baby girl, asks Ross to give her the name of his old pediatrician, and he tells her that the Dr died. She responds with exacerbation: "Why does everything always happen to ME?!!"

And of course, this is meant to be funny, since she is healthy, her baby is healthy, and the DR is the one who died.

But yesterday, I had the urge to make the same complaint.

Because last night I got a voicemail from Clear Passage Therapy in Gainesville, Florida (where I am traveling to in less than 24 hours), telling me to call them back as soon as possible, and if I got the message later than 6:00pm, to call on the personal cell phone of the receptionist.

Yikes. This couldn't be good.

When I called, the receptionist tells me,

"Well, as you already know, our two founders, Belinda and Larry Wurn, are away on vacation the week of your therapy."

Yes, I did already know this, but decided to still go forward with therapy in spite of not having THE FOUNDER HERSELF treat me for a part of the week's treatment, because otherwise I would have needed to wait another month for the treatment to coincide with my cycle. How it works is, normally all four therapists will take turns treating you for four hours each day. I knew in advance I would only have two.

"I'm very sorry to inform you that one of our therapists, K, cut off the tip of her right index finger last night. Needless to say, her fingers are crucial to the manual work she does, and she will not be at full capacity to treat you next week."

My reaction? WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE???!!!???!!

My actual response? "Oh no! Is she ok?"

She told me that she was indeed ok, and was having grafting surgery the next day. She then said that she wanted to call me first because I was the first person to schedule treatment for this upcoming week, and pending MY decision, she would then alert the other two patients for the week of what they would have to do. If I decided to still go ahead with treatment, knowing that my hours would be more spaced out (to allow the only other therapist remaining, Y, to rest between hours), AND I should also know that K DOES plan on coming in to work and will assist wherever she can, so that in essence, I will end up getting MORE treatment than normal - then she would cancel the other patients for the week. But if I wanted to, I could reschedule and they would certainly reimburse any additional costs that rescheduling may cause me to accrue.

(DH thought they should offer me a free treatment if I rescheduled. If they had, I may have done it.)

But, I decided to go forward with treatment. When we get there, DH is still going to ask them for a discount due to the last minute change of things. I think that's reasonable, don't you?

The thing is- I already got the week off work, trained other ultrasound techs to do the NaPro-specific scans if need be while I'm away (though I'm hoping there won't be any, since I'm sure they'll botch it up), and reserved the hotel, rental car, and flights (thanks again, Beth and Ken!)

I was not about to put this off, unless BOTH therapists accidentally chopped off BOTH of their hands ;)

Let's hope I don't get THAT phone call tonight!

Please pray for successful treatment for me, which will begin Monday, June 13th, the Feast Day of Saint Anthony.

Pray that it will break up every last one of my adhesions, and finally restore my God-given fertility.

I will be sure to give you updates from Florida during the week. I'm also looking forward to meeting up with More Than Anything in St Augustine at the Our Lady of La Leche shrine. MTA, where are you, email me!!!

Saints Rita and Anthony

2011-06-09T11:54:00.003-04:00

Apparently they are my new BFFs :)

My breath was taken away yesterday. First, as I sat in the pews of my hometown parish and listened to my almost-14 year old goddaughter renew her baptismal vows during her Confirmation - and remembered a time not too long ago when I was saying those vows for her, holding her in my arms... wow. Unreal. And so beautiful.

But then, as I glanced around my gorgeous parish, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. There, on the left side of the altar, a giant statue of Saint Anthony. And there, on the right side of the altar, a giant statue of Saint Rita.

Two Saints who I recently discovered to be Patron Saints for Infertility and Barren Women.

Two Saints to whom I've been praying Novenas for just a few weeks.

Two Saints who were with us from the very beginning, quite literally FLANKING us when we were married at that altar 5 years ago.

I have a feeling they will be very powerful in my life from this point on. Our own "St Rita's Roses" told me she thinks Saint Rita's been trying to BFF me ;) I'll take it!

Oh, and speaking of St. Rita's Roses - go share in her happy news if you haven't already!! What a story for the history books! I just love how all of these faithful Catholic women who become mothers through adoption and or who become pregnant have equally miraculous stories - such a testament!

And might I remind you all that on April 28th, 2011 I sat next to St. Rita's Roses and her DH at St Gianna's feast day Mass at her shrine - I prayed for them during the Eucharist.

And on April 28th, 2009, I sat next to All You Who Hope and her DH at St. Gianna's feast day Mass at her shrine - and I prayed for them during the Eucharist.

Coincidence? I think not.

JellyBelly, I know what you're thinking. But I think we missed that loophole of attending Mass together at her shrine on a day OTHER THAN her feast day. You'll just have to come back with me next April 28th.

Anyone else wanna get in on this action?? ;)

The Beauty of the Church's Teachings

2011-06-06T09:38:00.007-04:00

To preface, I will not be quoting Church doctrine or Scripture to highlight my points in this post. This is, rather, a laywoman's perspective from the heart, not from the head, and as such does not warrant research back-up (though it is founded on beautiful logic).

I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time. I've been meaning to write it every time I hear someone say to me, "I can't believe the Catholic Church, as much as it claims to love children, would put such restrictions on infertile couples, on what kind of treatments they can pursue..."

And ever since I read this article, posted a while back by MatchingMoonheads, it got my blood boiling. I'm really not a fan of the "pickers-and-choosers'" mentality, as I refer to it - those who justify their decision to go against a very fundamental teaching of their group (this is not isolated to Catholics, it happens in all groups of people, everywhere), and yet still proclaim to others that they represent their group. It would be like my becoming an athiest, and telling others, "But I still believe in God." Not only would others then get the wrong impression about athieism, spreading the word that they know people who are athiest and who still believe in God, but the athiests themselves would be slightly perturbed, I imagine, when approached with the notion that, "Well, you can believe in God, too, because so-and-so is an athiest, and they believe in God."

And so it is with faithful Catholics who have not gone through, are not currently doing, and never will pursue in-vitro fertilization (IVF).

In my own Catholic Hospital where I work, while getting my pre-employment physical, the Dr saw my surgical history and immediately ascertained that I had infertility. Trying to "fix" the problem, she asked me, "Have you already tried IVF?"
"No," I proudly responded. "I'm a practicing Catholic." Bewildered, the Dr offered to speak with her good friend who worked in the hospital and was Catholic herself, because she was SURE that IVF was allowed... then her voice drifted off as she concluded, "But... you've been at this for a while, and I'm sure you've already done your research on it." She remained perplexed for the remainder of the physical exam, and I was convinced that I was the very first person to ever present that information to her. How sad is that? Working in a Catholic Hospital for years, and had no idea about this fundamental teaching.

But to get back to the heart of the post, I need to start by saying this:

I have never, EVER begrudged my religion its teachings on in-vitro fertilization. I have never felt that the Catholic Church's stance on life (in any form, from conception to natural death) was unfair, was holding me back from my dreams, or was outdated. In short - I have not followed the Church's teachings on infertility treatments solely because they are the rules of my Church. I have followed them because they are BEAUTIFUL, they are LIFE-GIVING, and they are the TRUTH.

My husband and I (just in case you've stumbled upon this blog for the first time) have been suffering through primary infertility (never having achieved pregnancy before) for 5 years this summer. In that time, God has given us many opportunities to glorify Him, to be witnesses to His love here on earth, and has blessed us with many gifts. The crosses have been heavy, no doubt, but no matter how bad things got, I can honestly say we were never tempted to do IVF.

Even when our insurance would have covered FOUR of them in full.

Even when our adoption agency denied us approval.

Even when faithful friends told me about people they knew who only fertilized two eggs in a petri dish, and transferred both, so that no extra lives were destroyed.

Because to me (and my husband), and I think I speak for many of my Catholic friends here on the blogs, too, the DEPLORABLE aspect of IVF is the destruction of so many extra lives, either immediate or after years of being frozen, but it is not the sole reason for our disapproval. Rather, we feel that life should be created by God and God alone, within a natural marital act of love between two spouses. Obviously in-vitro fertilization takes conception completely outside of that act, and a Dr becomes the creator of life by using biological material extracted from the woman and biological material collected from the man, even sometimes forcing the egg and sperm to fertilize with a process known as ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection).

IVF, with a wife's eggs and her husband's sperm, is morally questionable in and of itself. But it is also a slippery slope. Let's just say the Church approved IVF in the context of an infertile couple who has tried all other options and cannot conceive otherwise (and let's just ignore the fact that the "cannot" in that last statement is ALWAYS purely hypothetical). How would they be able to stop there? How could the Church then deny the same procedure to a woman whose ovaries were removed due to cancer, and whose sister has donated her eggs so that she may be able to become pregnant with IVF? And how could the Church turn down the woman whose husband is sterile and chooses to use donor sperm to conceive a child? And what about the woman who is at serious risk for miscarriage in pregnancy, who wants to enlist the help of a surrogate to carry a baby made with her eggs and her husband's sperm?

And the list goes on and on.

We have a beautiful gift, a gift of free will, which allows us to make these choices for ourselves. The Church does not force them upon us (hence, my confusion at why some believe I am being oppressed by my Church's teachings on infertility treatments), but rather gives them to us as guidelines. The very BEST is what the Church desires for us, and this includes how we come to be. How we are conceived is our very beginning. But WE do not choose how we are conceived. Sometimes, our parents (at least one of them) does not choose how we are conceived, either, such as in the instance of rape. Therefore, the CHOICES made by OTHERS hold no bearing on us and our worth as a human being. I've never been able to understand why so many who have conceived their children through IVF feel that the Church views their children as any less. I am here to tell you, we do not! We do not view YOU as PARENTS as any less, either! Every life is beautiful and worthy of respect. All we want is for those who have the choice to MAKE the choice to begin each and every new life the way God had intended.

And so, my husband and I have made the choice never to pursue IVF to bring life into the world.

I have no regrets. I have no pain over this decision.

Surely I still suffer from infertility. But I am able to see that God can work through suffering, if you let Him. I am so blessed to be able to help others work through their infertility, either in achieving a pregnancy or finding the call to adopt or in coming to a resolution and a joyful place of childless living. My job as a FertilityCare Practitioner, and as an Ultrasonographer, are both fruits of my infertility. Our marriage has had its ups and downs through these 5 years, but the foundation has always been strong, as we know that God made us a family already. Children would be an addition to our family, but not one that we can buy. We have been humbled in the most awesome ways, and have discovered strength in God that we never knew we had.

If we had pursued in-vitro fertilization, no matter what the outcome had been (a live baby or not), we would have a lot of unresolved issues, unanswered questions. We may be "happy," but we certainly wouldn't be peace-filled. Or we may be "depressed," (if it hadn't worked), but the suffering would be magnified knowing there was no beauty to be found within it. All we would be able to place our hope in would be God's unending forgiveness. We would not have discovered our own strength, and we would be no closer to finding everlasting joy.

There is so much more that can be said on this topic, but I am trying to keep it from the heart and as personal as possible. When we begin to argue the logistics of the Church's teachings, for example how children are not a "right" or a commodity, we leave too much room for dissension, and all the shades of gray begin to rear their heads. We can also have a discussion on the statistics of IVF, of premature labor and of the myriad of birth defects and health problems that can and do result. But again, this is more logic-based, and not the purpose of this particular post. Of course, deep down there is nothing but logic behind each and every part of the Church doctrines on infertility treatments, and I urge those of you looking for more information to consult them.

http://www.usccb.org/comm/Dignitaspersonae/Dignitas_Personae.pdf
(Being the most recent)

http://www.usccb.org/prolife/tdocs/donumvitae.shtml

But my hopes in addressing this issue are that more people will come to understand the beauty of these teachings from within. I am writing about IVF, and why I believe it to be morally unethical, as a 5-year infertile woman. I am in the trenches. I am not passing judgement. I feel every ounce of pain caused by my inability to procreate, and yet I still find life and love in God's plan. My undying hope is that more and more people will also find this same love as they navigate through infertility.

Oh, These Times Are Hard...

2011-06-03T09:24:00.002-04:00

I've been hearing this song on the radio for the past several weeks, but never paid much attention to the lyrics until earlier this week. At this time in our lives, it is scary how appropriate it is for me and my husband - he could have written it!

I thought I'd share the lyrics here with you:

The Scripts: For The First Time

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While I'm drinking Jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work, but man these times are hard

She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time
I've got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how we got into this mess it's a God's test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

She's in line at the door with her head held high
While I just lost my job but didn't lose my flight
But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked in the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Aside from the drinking part, since DH isn't a big drinker, this is most definately our life right now. I love the hopeful tone of the song, and actually, it's one of the only songs I know where the lyrics imply that it's about MARRIAGE and not just dating, falling in love, or breaking up. I love this song.

Will I Ever...?

2011-06-02T14:42:00.000-04:00

For the past 2 years on these blogs, I feel like at LEAST twice a month there is some amazing miracle and blessing being announced. Pregnant for the first time after years of infertility, surprise/immediate adoption after years of waiting on "the list," announcing twins after the first ultrasound, announcing subsequent pregnancies, announcing the birth of a healthy baby after a history of recurrent losses...

Here's my announcement:

Today I found out I'm not pregnant.

What else is new.

In two weeks time, I will be shelling out $5,000 for Clear Passage physical therapy - $5,000 I do not have, and which could be better spent on making home improvements for my awesome old house. With all the money I've spent over the past 5 years on infertility, I could have adopted twice or even more.

Will I ever be coming onto this blog to make my Miracle Announcement? Or will I be writing the same ol' crap for the next 15 years, begging for prayers, giving meaningless updates about my cycles and house renovations, and trying to avoid reading all the other blogs during that PMS week (where, of course, there will likely be more and more miracle announcements)?

This is getting so old. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes high, what in the world was I thinking? Of course it's not my time. It's everyone else's time, but never mine. Shame on me for daring to believe any different.

Seriously, someone REMOVE ME FROM THE INTERNET when I am PMSing.

30 Day St Joseph Novena- Please Join Me in Prayer!

2011-06-01T16:50:00.003-04:00

My friend J at work today was listening to me talk about the ongoing battle with the courts and with that nasty, nasty man who is out to get my DH... and since our next court date (where it will be decided once and for all if DH can get the Pre-Trial Intervention) is June 30th, she suggested we start a 30-Day Novena to St Joseph, like, NOW.

I ask you, my dear friends, to please join me in praying that we are able to get the desired results from this horrible situation, and that St Joseph also petition on our behalf for work/career/financial success. And also, if it be God's will, for my husband to become a father (ideally through me, hahahaha... ok, bad joke.)

Here is the prayer:

THIRTY DAYS PRAYER TO ST. JOSEPH (IN HONOR OF THE 30 YEARS HE SPENT WITH JESUS AND MARY)

(Note: This prayer was taken from a leaflet provided by the Josephites and may be said during any 30 days of the year.)

Ever blessed and glorious Joseph, kind and loving father, and helpful friend of all in sorrow! You are the good father and protector of orphans, the defender of the defenseless, the patron of those in need and sorrow.

Look kindly on my request. My sins have drawn down on me the just displeasure of my God, and so I am surrounded with unhappiness. To you, loving guardian of the Family of Nazareth, do I go for help and protection. Listen, then, I beg you, with fatherly concern, to my earnest prayers, and obtain for me the favors I ask.

I ask it by the infinite mercy of the eternal Son of God, which moved Him to take our nature and to be born into this world of sorrow.

I ask it by the weariness and suffering you endured when you found no shelter at the inn of Bethlehem for the Holy Virgin, nor a house where the Son of God could be born. Then, being everywhere refused, you had to allow the Queen of Heaven to give birth to the world's Redeemer in a cave.

I ask it by the loveliness and power of that sacred Name, Jesus, which you conferred on the adorable Infant.

I ask it by the painful torture you felt at the prophecy of holy Simeon, which declared the Child Jesus and His holy Mother future victims of our sins and of their great love for us.

I ask it through your sorrow and pain of soul when the angel declared to you that the life of the Child Jesus was sought by His enemies. From their evil plan, you had to flee with Him and His Blessed Mother to Egypt.

I ask it by all the suffering, weariness, and labors of that long and dangerous journey.

I ask it by all your care to protect the Sacred Child and His Immaculate Mother during your second journey, when you were ordered to return to your own country.

I ask it by your peaceful life in Nazareth where you met with so many joys and sorrows. I ask it by your great distress when the adorable Child was lost to you and His mother for three days.

I ask it by your joy at finding Him in the temple, and by the comfort you found at Nazareth, while living in the company of the Child Jesus.

I ask it by the wonderful submission He showed in His obedience to you.

I ask it by the perfect love and conformity you showed in accepting the Divine order to depart from this life, and from the company of Jesus and Mary.

I ask it by the joy which filled your soul, when the Redeemer of the world, triumphant over death and hell, entered into the possession of His kingdom and led you into it with special honors.

I ask it through Mary's glorious Assumption, and through that endless happiness you have with her in the presence of God. O good father! I beg you, by all your sufferings, sorrows, and joys, to hear me and obtain for me what I ask. (Here name your petitions or think of them.)

Obtain for all those who have asked my prayers everything that is useful to them in the plan of God. Finally, my dear patron and father, be with me and all who are dear to me in our last moments, that we may eternally sing the praises of:

JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH

"A blameless life,

St. Joseph,

may we lead,

by your kind patronage

from danger freed."

Potluck

2011-05-30T15:44:00.003-04:00

I have a post I've been sitting on for a while, but there are just too many other things going on to write about at the moment.

Most notably, my marriage.

DH and I have been fighting. A lot. He's stressed about the court stuff, I'm stressed about my work schedule (which is getting lighter in a week, since I'll be leaving my job at the imaging center), we're both stressed about finances (which, despite my 3 jobs right now, are still up the creek), and of course we're bothstressed about our childlessness and inability to change that status. I would say the one thing that has gotten better in the past year has been our sexual relationship, but it still has a far way to go. If you look at my charts, you'll see that 3 times a month is a good month, and of course they are all around/on Peak Day.

The relations themselves are much better and less stressful, but I think we still feel that there's so much pressure to "perform" on my fertile days that the thought of doing it on an infertile day is as silly as painting a blue wall the same shade of blue. (I've got painting on my mind today.) There's just no point.

Obviously I realize that logically and spiritually, there is most definately a point to having relations with one's spouse regardless of the status of one's fertility. My soul knows this. But my body and mind are still catching up.

You have to understand that for us specifically as a couple, our sexual relationship has taken a HUGE blow with everything we've been through. Following the diagnosis of CT (which now we can say in retrospect was not an issue affecting our fertility), we were actually given instructions NOT to have relations unless it was during the fertile window. Psychologically, what do you think this did to us? Yup. And it took quite a while to heal that blow.
Then when we were faced with the future of possibly never being able to adopt, and not being able to foster for quite some time, we realized that if a child were to miraculously come into our lives, it COULD ONLY COME FROM MY WOMB. Psychologically, what kind of pressure do you think that put on our relations? Yup. And we are not yet fully healed from that blow.

All of this external pressure has made us both quite hardened and anxious, ready to snap at any time. Not really the type of love God had planned when we received the Sacrament of Marriage.

So, off to my priest I went. Yesterday. I spoke to him alone at first, and he really helped open my eyes to how I could best help my husband through these tough times. He recommended we come back together. As I was on my way out of the office, I said to him that I had recently finished a Novena to St. Rita, so maybe marital discourse was in order now ;) He responded, "Ohhhh, St. Rita, she's a tricky one. She will always answer your prayers, but there will always be that thorn." (For those who are not aware, St. Rita prayed to receive an ounce of the suffering Christ endured during His Passion, and God gave her a thorn in her forehead, which she bore the rest of her life on earth.) Now, I didn't realize that in answer to my prayer I would also receive a thorn!! But "timely" and "coincidence" don't quite seem to do justice to how this weekend manifested itself in my life, just after finishing her Novena.

We went back to the priest to speak with him together, and it was really wonderful.

Today has been much better, and I've also started up my daily rosaries again (last Monday), so I'm hoping that will also bring more peace to our relationship.

DH decided that at this time, since his company isn't bringing in the money we need, that he will find a full-time job as a Chef while devoting minimal time to the upkeep and maintenance of the General Contracting business. He also realizes that this will give his father a wake-up call to how much he does for the company and how little he receives in return. I found a job that I think would be perfect for him, as well as another that a friend told us about at the hotel where she works. We'll be sending in his resume tonight, so please pray for us that this works out.

Oh, and there's also a big opportunity for me that I can't elaborate on right now, but it involves my work status and salary. I could earn basically twice as much as I do now if all falls into place, and I also know that the change necessary for this to occur would be to the benefit of many, many people (NaPro patients, the Church as a whole, etc.) - please pray also for this special intention!

In cycle news, I am P+9 or so today (haven't looked at my chart in a while). I have noticed sore bbs since P+4, but I tend to get that symptom on and off for no apparent reason.

I'm getting more and more depressed lately because 30 is just around the corner, and with this hot weather settling in, I know that milestone isn't far behind. I feel horrible complaining about 30 when many of you who have no children are older (and wiser ;) ) - but to me, 30 used to be the number I set in my mind in the first 4 years of infertility: "I will have a child by 30, I will have a child by 30..." Of course, when we first started TTC and I had just turned 25, I thought I'd be DONE by 30 ;)
Now, crossing this milestone knowing a) I still do not have children, and b) I likely won't be any closer to having children... it breaks my heart.

Moving Right Along...

2011-05-24T18:32:00.004-04:00

Blech, I needed to get that post off of the top of my blog. I hate dwelling in our inadoption. It's enough to drive anyone batty.

So, I have this medical theory which just kinda dawned on me today. Here goes:

I spotted pretty heavily after both my HSG and my sonohysterogram, for several days. Clearly my cervix (or my "os," hahaha) doesn't like foreign instruments up in her grill, dilating and such... can you really blame her? That's a hole that wasn't meant to dilate unless a baby was about to pop through.

And this funky spotting that I've had recently has been like CLOCKWORK starting on P+2 and ending by P+4. (The reason for the sonohysterogram - because the cyclical nature of the spotting suggested hormonal origin, but my hormones are normal on P+3.)

Today is P+3. NO SPOTTING. First cycle in four. What's different about this cycle?

When I was still spotting after the procedure last Monday, it went until Wednesday, and then I had Dr B check my cervix to make sure everything was ok. The spotting at that point was mostly brown, indicating old blood, and my early post-Peak bleeding was ALSO mostly brown. Dr B. verified that there was NO ACTIVE BLEED in the cervix, so this was just old blood coming out.

Today, in the absence of my post-Peak bleeding, I remembered something else about this cycle (post-sonohysterogram). My MUCUS was better than it has been in a long time. I always have stretchy, clear, and lubricative around ovulation, but it has been a weird gummy/gluey consistency for the past 8+ cycles. But this cycle it wasn't gummy at all, and in fact, may have been the best mucus I've ever laid my eyes on :) If I do say so myself.

Could the dilating of my os (hehehe) have unplugged something that was blocking my cervical crypts, and caused some old blood to drain out and in essence "refresh" the cervix??

To add to this theory, I started to think of why it is that my bleeding WAS taking place on P+2. That would be the time of my cycle when my cervix is closing... so maybe my cervix OPENING and CLOSING on its own was causing this funky brown bleeding... which would MEAN, that my tail-end brown bleeding (TEBB, brown bleeding at the end of the menstrual flow) may actually be related to cervical dilation in the presence of a "plug" somewhere in my cervix - old blood coming out due to the dilation.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. My TEBB went away with NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING. Not Naltrexone, not progesterone, not Dr Toth's chock full o' antibiotics in every orifice - NOTHING, except for early on during treatment with Dr Toth... and that just happened to be the same cycle where he performed a CERVICAL SCRAPING, where he scraped the cervix to get rid of the old cells and calcifications.

Making sense to you now, isn't it??!

By golly, I think I'm on to something here! I can't wait to see if the next period is TEBB-free, and then I think I can prove my theory!

And then I'll have to thank Dr B for "unplugging" me!

In other news, my MIL loaned me a book that her sister bought her for her birthday. Her sister (one of many) is a psychiatrist. She bought her "On Fertile Ground - Healing Infertility." Um... yes, you read that right. My MIL's sister bought my 66-yr old MIL a book about Infertility for her birthday.

After the weirdness wore off, I started to realize how cool that actually was of my Aunt-in-law, and my MIL to be so interested in understanding what we're going through. After reading it, she told me her eyes were really opened... and she gave my DH a big hug (I haven't seen her in person since she's read it, but he has) and told him she can never fully understand, but that she understands so much better now, and she's so sorry. Isn't that so sweet?

So now I'm reading it, and I must say, she had me with the first paragraph. I don't have the book in front of me, but basically this is what she opens with:

"Infertility is like walking through a minefield. You never know when the next step will set off a grenade and you will be completely rattled to your core. To those of you reading this book as you go through the journey, you know exactly what I mean. To those of you reading this book to better understand a loved one or friend who is going through the journey, that may seem a bit overdramatic. But I assure you - it is not overdramatic AT ALL."

Whoa. Awesome.

I'm almost halfway through and it's a good read thus far.

Gotta run, my a cappella group is videotaping an audition tape for "The Sing-Off" tonight. We likely wouldn't even be able to go on the show if we miraculously made it, but it'll be fun to try anyway :)

Update on Court Proceedings

2011-05-23T08:41:00.002-04:00

I don't have the energy to link to previous posts, nor do I really want to dig up all of those horrible memories from last year, but many of you may remember that DH was arrested and accused of stealing money from the banquet hall of his volunteer fire company. This happened with impeccable timing, just as our adoption agency was making the final decision whether or not we could proceed with the Home Study (we had only the home visit left).

Well, DH's lawyers assured him that this case was a perfect candidate for PTI, pre-trial intervention, and we prayed like mad for that. (PTI would mean that this would be wiped off his permanent record in 2 years.) Then the fire company (under the influence of a power-hungry, angry, bloated old man P.eter Melick) wrote a letter to the prosecutor pleading with them to NOT offer PTI in this case. Even after I wrote a heartfelt letter explaining the implications of their decision, and had it read at a meeting, only 4 firemen voted in our favor.

A glimmer of hope came when DH's lawyer became the new Prosecutor for the County. Obviously, he was no longer allowed to represent DH, and it would have been a legality to continue the case in the same County, so it was moved to a different one. A County where (we thought) the miserable old hick didn't have as much clout.

Well, last week, DH was informed that he has been turned down for PTI. After the court date, he and his lawyer were given all of the supporting information, which included a letter written by P.eter Melick to the new County's Prosecutor. In the letter, he specifies that DH never even came forward to apologize (1st of all, he didn't do anything to apologize for, and 2nd of all, his lawyers have specifically directed him NOT to speak to anyone in the fire company, and THEY KNOW THIS!) - and that's not all. He urges the Prosecutor to punish DH to the full extent of the law, with JAIL TIME.

Lord, please deliver us.

We still have the opportunity to push forward with appeals and such, and DH's lawyer is thoroughly confused by how much animosity the Prosecutor seems to have for a guy he never met (DH)... it's as if he's being paid to put DH behind bars, and that has now become his top priority.

We, of course, are sickened by this, but the likelihood of DH acually going to prison is very low. I had all but given up hope on the PTI, anyway, so that is not a big surprise to me.

And the best part is that we STILL cannot begin any sort of foster program/training until this is 100% settled and decided. It has already been 1.5 years. There's no end in sight.

Lord, please deliver us.

A friend recently told me she didn't need her reproductive organs to grow her family (indicating that adoption is how she would continue to grow it). I can only say the exact opposite. I NEED my reproductive organs if I ever want to be a mother... and so far, after 5 years of the most aggressive treatments I have yet seen anyone pursue, they are still dormant.

Lord, please deliver us.

I really can't even describe how much pain this causes me. I try to push it from my mind most of the time, but of course while writing a blog post about it that's difficult to do. This is a worse pain that any pain ever brought on by infertility. When I allow myself to experience it (which isn't often), I feel like I'm going through a Passion of my own. It is excruciating.

Lord, please deliver us.

Sonohysterogram

2011-05-20T10:52:00.006-04:00

There are SO many things I need to blog about, and I just don't have time to write these days.

I did want to give you all a brief update on my sonohysterogram (saline sonogram) from Monday, along with a really funny story that came from it.

So, the Saline Sonogram is not at all like the HSG, as I was expecting. During the HSG, the really uncomfortable/crampy part is when the dye gets pushed in the uterus and through the tubes, and that lasts about 30 seconds max. Then afterwards, you are drippy and slightly crampy like the day before your period.
Well, the saline sonogram was uncomfortable from the moment my internal cervical os was dilated and the catheter was put in, all the way through, and I was crampy for several hours afterwards. The procedure itself lasted about 5 minutes, but felt like 15. I felt really bad for my Dr (employer), because he could see how much discomfort I was in, and didn't want to hurt me. And in an effort to not hurt me, he didn't put a ton of pressure on the cathether, so when the saline went in, my endometrial lining just BARELY filled up and dilated. It was enough to see that there were no obvious polyps or abnormalities, though.

When the saline part was done, Dr B. asked me if I wanted to do the endometrial biopsy at that time - he went on to explain that it was not going to be any more pain that what I was already experiencing, and that the risks of the biopsy were the same as the risks of the sonogram, yada yada... all the while I'm crampy and uncomfortable and squeezing DH's hand. I was seriously about to tell him, "Look, either DO IT NOW, or GET THAT THING OUT OF ME, let's not have a 5 minute discussion about this!!!" (I didn't say that ;))

So, the funny story:

Before the saline injection, Dr B did a regular transvaginal ultrasound to measure the uterus, lining, and ovaries. My cervix was already dilated on cycle day 9 (with cervical mucus), and my friend/the nurse J was watching the ultrasound because she was going to be working the machine while Dr B did the injection. She asked why part of the image was moving and other parts were not. I told her that was bowel activity - peristalsis - that was moving. I pointed out the cervical crypts to her on the screen (it's WILD that you can see the actual crypts, where the mucus is made!), and she was impressed (she's a Practitioner, too).

Later on that evening, I was talking to DH about the procedure, and asked if he basically understood what he had seen on the screen (I explained the procedure to him beforehand).

DH said: "So, your friend J... she's a nurse??" He seemed a little incredulous about it.

I said: "Yes, she's a nurse and a Practitioner. Why?"

DH: "Well... I swear, she asked if that was the ass up on the screen..."

Me: "WHAT???!!! NOOOO I'm positive she did NOT ask that!! What are you talking about??!!"

DH: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure she did... right after you pointed out the bowel to her... she asked if it was the ass. I was really surprised that she would call it that, and not use a more, um, medical term."

I racked my brains. What was he talking about?? Then suddenly it dawned on me.

Me: "Wait. Could she have said 'Is that the os?'"

DH: "Oh. Yeah, maybe. What's an os?"

Me: "It's the opening into the cervix!"

DH: "Oh. OK, well that makes me feel better. Because I was wondering why no one else was as shocked as I was. You and Dr B were both kinda like, 'Yeah,' like you didn't really hear her."

This is the man I live with. I could NOT stop laughing all night, and when the next day I was spotting a lot and Dr B checked my cervix quickly to make sure I didn't have any active bleeding, I almost fell off the table when he said, "OK, I can see your os..." OMG, I will never be able to hear that word again without thinking 'ass'!!!

TCIE is losing steam

2011-05-14T19:40:00.003-04:00

I have nothing particularly exciting to report today, but I am still rather excited to be blogging, because tonight is the FIRST BLOG POST WRITTEN FROM MY HOUSE!

Yes, we have moved into the 21st Century. We have internet. And cable :)

I thought about posting some progress pictures of the house, but I had second thoughts and decided to post pictures when the three main rooms are complete (dining room, kitchen, parlour). That way I can show the progress pictures NEXT TO the completion pictures and it's more impressive.

Anyway.

I was all set to get a vaccine for Rubella on Friday when I chickened out last minute. The first set-back came when I realized that the Rubella-alone vaccine is on national backorder, so I would need an MMR. I have heard not-so-great things about the MMR specifically. But seeing as my Clear Passage therapy is in June and I likely cannot conceive before then, I thought that taking the month of May off of trying to conceive would make sense. (They advise that you do not get pregnant the month of the Rubella vaccination.)
Then I spoke to Sew.
Word to the wise: don't ask Sew her opinion unless you REALLY want it ;)

I love her to death. She knocked some sense into me, and I am 99% sure now that I will not get the vaccine.
Aside from the research, there were actually other "incidental" reasons for me not wanting to take the vaccine and avoid this cycle. Reasons that I won't elaborate on now, but that recently came to my attention and made me think that perhaps I should be trying to conceive this cycle, despite the obvious ever-barren state of my womb.

So. While I am in the health field, I will not be in hospital settings anymore once June arrives, and the new NaPro Center opens its doors (private office building off-site from the hospital) - and the likelihood of my catching Rubella while pregnant (and, well, let's face it, the likelihood of my being PREGNANT) are so extremely low.

Another boring post from TCIE, but stay tuned because I have a good one brewing... maybe tomorrow...

Can I Run Out of Hope?

2011-05-11T15:05:00.000-04:00

After a Mother's Day from hell (from humiliation at Mass to dealing with my SIL to coming home to AF a day early), I am feeling very... drained. Infertility has just left me utterly drained to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. This is NOT like me. I am not a quitter. But I am feeling so numb from all the face-slapping every single cycle. There are no infertility "nerves" left to feel anything other than exhausted.

I am still looking forward to the Clear Passage Therapy next month, but not with the same passion I once had. Might have a little bit to do with the fact that I will be no-pot-to-piss-in-broke afterwards.

For the past 2 months, I have been seeing hawks everywhere. Here's what I wrote in a post about Hawks back in 2009:

Medicine cards are like Tarot cards, but they have animals on them and each animal signifies something. So he looked up Hawk, and this is what it said:

"Hawk: Messenger. Hawk medicine teaches you to be observant, to look at your surroundings. Observe the obvious in everything you do. Life is sending you signals...
If you pulled the Hawk card, then right now a clue about the magic of life is being brought to you...
The Ancients recognized this magnificent bird of prey as a messenger bringing tidings to their Earth Walk from the world of the grandfathers and grandmothers who lived before them. If Hawk were to magically cry, it was a sign to beware or be aware. The cry could mark the coming of a warring tribe, the birth of a child, or the celebration of counting coup. Hawk's cry signalled the need for the beholder to heighten awareness and receive a message."

I've always seen them when I'm at my most vulnerable, and I know this is God's special way of showing me He hasn't forgotten me. I know He is working in me, and I know that my Resurrection Day will come, with or without children. But that doesn't change the pain I feel at not being able to bear children, to adopt children, or to foster children. The pain is so real, so acute at times, that it is hard to breathe.

Kneeling at the pews on Sunday for Mother's Day Mass, I almost felt like I was committing a sacrilege as I whipped through my three prayers at record speed, with no emotion, except a hint of bitterness. Is it better not to pray at times like that? I felt like a bratty kid who's told to finish his supper, so he stuffs the food in his mouth and then spits it back out. I was mad. Fuming. Why has God not heard me? I wanted to know. I wanted answers. And I wasn't going to pray until I got some.

I feel a bit better today, because as we all know, CD 1 is the lowest it gets physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You can only go up from CD 1. But I'm still not satisfied.

I'm reminded of my early high school years, when I used to pray SO HARD that the boy I had a big crush on would someday be my boyfriend. I would BEG God to just somehow let me know if I were going to be his prom date the following year. I wished I had a crystal ball to look into, just to be able to see if I were with him in the limo or not. I felt like I couldn't get rid of that crazy teenage-in-love angst without knowing one way or another.

I did wind up going to the prom the following year with the boy. But I wasn't given that promise, or that glimpse into the future, by God. Instead, I had to go through my entire junior year wondering, hoping, and waiting.

Now, as 30 looms its ugly head, I hope and pray that God will give me a glimpse into the future - will I ever have a child to call my own? I know I can go on and live a joyful, peaceful life if I knew, EITHER WAY. It's the not knowing that kills me.

I don't want my 30s and 40s to be a 20-Year Two-Week-Wait.

I have such little hope left.

Big Fat Double Negative

2011-05-06T15:51:00.002-04:00

After another BFN yesterday morning, I decided to plunge headfirst into finalizing all the plans for June's Clear Passage Therapy in Florida. A good blog friend has generously offered discount plane tickets, and another good IRL friend (whose NaPro baby we will serve as godparents to in October!!) is letting us use her hotel discount since she gets a friends & family rate. These are HUGE, since we are really in financial dire straits at the moment... and did I mention the therapy itself is $5,200?

I won't lie and say I wasn't devastated by the BFN. But I have to keep reminding myself that a miracle has taken place - 5 years ago, my body wouldn't, couldn't ovulate on its own. After surgery and some medication for PCOS, it ovulated normally. Weaning off of the meds, it continued ovulating normally... and this past cycle, it ovulated TWO EGGS on its own, without medication. Yes, I can see that things are improving, and I am thrilled with that. But it still hurts like hell that when OTHER people rejoice in miracles and blessings, they usually aren't rejoicing in the fact that their ovary worked the way it was designed to. Others get to rejoice in pregnancies and adoptions. I have to settle for rejoicing in the mundane:
"Yay, my husband didn't get arrested today!"
"Praise God, none of my friends or pets have died this month!"
"Halleluia, I ovulated!"

I really should make it a rule that I don't blog when I'm PMSing. These aren't exactly my most hopeful or inspiring posts ;)

On Infertility and Adoption

2011-05-04T17:39:00.000-04:00

Every single person on the face of the planet does it. Including me. When you hear of a couple suffering from infertility, or inability to maintain a pregnancy (recurrent miscarriages), your mind automatically goes there: "Why don't they just adopt?" It's a natural human instinct - to want to solve the "problem" of childlessness, and to want to ease the pain of the childless couple. It comes from a good place inside. But here, I will try to explain why those thoughts should STAY in that good place inside, and never be spoken.

First of all, I think everyone who has been through the adoption process, or knows someone close to them who has, will attest to the fact that there is no "just" about "just adopting." On the contrary, it is a lengthy process that will humble the most confident and able among us. The most intimate details of your life will be examined: your childhood, your relationship with your spouse (including sexual), your finances, your home... all for a person you barely know to judge. Don't get me wrong- I don't believe this process is flawed in and of itself, and God bless the Social Workers who work day in and day out to ensure that the children involved get the very best they deserve. And, I know of NO adoptive parent who has said, "You know, given the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't do it... it was just too grueling!!" But, the process certainly is not for the faint of heart. And it can take years of heartache.

Process aside, I think that when we as humans consider adoption as the natural follow-up to infertility, we underestimate God's hand in our suffering. St Paul said that in his weakness He was made perfect - and it is only through the darkness that God can truly bring out His glorious light, only in the suffering that He can truly show His goodness. God is at work in each and every one of us, and He is HARD at work in all of those who suffer. I submit as solid proof of this fact my own journey over the past 5 years.

Mr TCIE and I have been open to God's will in our lives since we married 5 years ago, and we hoped and prayed that His will would include children. We were unlike many couples I know in that we had felt called to adopt before we were even engaged. Childless living was not even an option, nor did it ever cross our minds, before we married.

Now, God's hand in our life is so evident. And never was it felt more than in our darkest hour - from 2009 through 2010. Through our suffering, God has found ways to bring forth the Truth, and to use us as instruments in proclaiming His good news. We have found, despite (or better, because of) the cross we've carried, joy and peace. Yes, we still suffer from childlessness, but we have hope that His will is greater than anything we could ever envision for our own lives.

When you suggest or ask about adoption of the couple who has not been called to adopt, you add insult to injury. I can safely venture a guess that in the 21st Century, most if not all couples know what adoption is, and if they are childless, they've already "looked into" it. When you suggest or ask a couple about adoption when they are already pursuing it, you put them on the spot because there are so many unknowns and uncertainties about the process. And when you suggest or ask about adoption of the couple who cannot adopt due to medical or personal reasons, you pour salt and lemon juice into a very deep, open wound. Your best bet is to offer your silent support on the subject of childlessness, unless the couple brings up adoption first.

Some childless couples will feel the call to adopt. Others may not get that call, and may instead feel called to childless living. Still others may receive the call to adopt many years from now. And some may have a surprise pregnancy in their future, in God's time. Each plan is paved out by God, and each plan is specific to those two people.

This is what God wants to do for each individual couple (is that an oxymoron?) who suffers with infertility/childlessness. He wants us to deepen our faith, grow in His love, and become His hands on earth. Our focus as humans should not be on a pregnancy or an adoption as the "result" at the end of the infertile couple's suffering, but rather, on life everlasting. Should a couple adopt children or conceive after years of infertility, all glory and praise be to He who gives life - but these are blessings only, NOT the Resurrection of the cross of childlessness. Our Resurrection will come in heaven, not on this earth.

Lastly, we do a great disservice to adoption when we automatically connect it to infertility, and don't honor it for the beautiful and amazing blessing it is on its own. Logically, our human minds will always connect the two. But in our words and actions, they should remain two separate and distinct entities.

Hysterosonogram, aka Sonohysterogram, aka Saline Sonogram, aka What's in My Future

2011-05-03T12:53:00.002-04:00

I had my appointment with my new boss/newest NaPro Dr today to discuss the weird P+2-P+4 bleeding I've had the past three cycles. He suspects it is hormone-related (estrogen drop), but wants to do a saline sonogram. Blech. I certainly did NOT have fun with my HSG, and I've heard the saline sonograms are even less pleasant. The instrument he uses allows him to take a small sample (biopsy) from the lining at the same time as the sonogram, so he's going to do that as well. Lovely. But hopefully it will yield some answers. He did say he does NOT suspect cancer, but we'll look for signs of hyperplasia.

I have such little time to post anymore these days, and I miss it!! So many posts are running around in my head, and hopefully soon I'll have the chance to post one of them. In particular, I would like to address the Adoption-Infertility connection which is so prevalent in our society, and showed true once again in the comments of the latest article on Catholic Infertility on "National Catholic Register." But I want to give this topic ample time - which I don't have right now.

So hopefully sometime in the near future that post will come through, as well as some much-anticipated house photos as we near completion of the dining room and kitchen :)

Keep praying that I will have reason to cancel my sonohysterogram, please!!! (Or two reasons!)

Sometimes Infertility Makes You LOL

2011-04-29T14:52:00.003-04:00

Last night my was third time going to the Saint Gianna Feast Day Mass at her shrine in Warminster, PA. It was my fourth time to the shrine total. I just love it there! It is so peaceful and unassuming, the way I imagine St Gianna was.

I got to sit with St Rita's Roses and her hubby as we celebrated a beautiful Mass. And, of course, knowing that many infertile couples and couples experiencing miscarriage would be coming, they prepared the relics for veneration following Mass.

As we stood for the Gospel, I almost burst out laughing when I realized what reading it was: fruitful vines :) Jesus telling His discliples that if we remain in Him, he will make us fruitful vines, and that any branch that does NOT bear fruit, He will cut off and throw away. (Now, I do understand that Jesus wasn't simply refering to fertility, but still... quite the ironic reading to have at a Mass for the Patron Saint of Infertility/Miscarriage, eh?!!)

Following Mass, DH and I went up to venerate the gloves. In the past two years, when I've venerated the gloves, the lady giving away the prayer cards would tell me to hold the gloves to my womb (I guess it was obvious I was barren, haha). So this year, without prompting, I took the gloves and held them to my womb and prayed. After I put the gloves down, the lady with the prayer cards asked me, "When is your baby due?" Baaaahahahahahahaha!!! I should say I probably look pregnant with my big bloated belly.
I told her, "No, we're not expecting. We've been trying for 5 years."
She felt horrible. But it only got worse from there... "Oh!! ... well, St Gianna has worked so many miracles! - Is this your first time to the shrine?!" she asked with hopeful anticipation.
"No. Our fourth."
"Oh... well... just keep persevering in prayer..." as her voice trailed off.

She felt worse about it than I did, I'm sure ;)

I am still having the weird bleeding early post-Peak, so I have an appointment next Tuesday to speak with my new boss/new NaPro Dr about it. I likely have a saline sonogram in my future...

Easter is Here! Prayer Buddy Reveal

2011-04-24T15:30:00.004-04:00

This season of Lent and Prayer Buddies was a special one for me. I had been hoping to receive the name of the person I did, and was so honored to be able to offer my prayers and sufferings up to the Lord on her behalf. And the best part was that I got to meet her for the first time the night before Lent began - I truly felt united to her throughout Lent, and I hope that my prayers (daily rosaries, intentions in the chapel where I work, and every prayer of the faithful "silent intention" during Lent) were felt by her.

Misfit, I am so happy to know you - you have been an important part of my life, and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Happy Easter!

Have To Make This Quick...

2011-04-21T16:36:00.002-04:00

So I scanned myself yesterday quickly at work, and once I saw a follicle on my left ovary (phew, I was starting to think lefty gave up after all those countless ovulations and handed the reigns over to lazy righty!), I stopped scanning and didn't go look at my right ovary.

But today, I scanned both sides.

And... you're not gonna believe it...

I have TWO follicles!! One on EACH ovary!!! Both measuring an average of about 1.75cm!!!!

And, I can't stress this enough, THIS IS UNMEDICATED!!!!!! AND I'M A PCOSer!!!!!

Coincidence that this is the same cycle in which I dreamt I was pregnant with twins??

Gotta run, have a lovely Easter everybody, and Prayer Buddy, PRAY FOR ME PLEASE!!!!

Brought to you by Leila...

2011-04-21T08:14:00.005-04:00

So far, three bloggers can sport this amazing new button on their blog (including myself, hehe)!!

Who will be the next?

Get your personalized wanding by TCIE today!

Pregnancy Dream and Clear Passage Therapy

2011-04-18T14:20:00.002-04:00

I'm way too busy to write a more thoughtful post title at this point, so I'll just say it like it is :)

Last night, for the first time in the 5 years we've been trying to conceive, I had a pregnancy dream. Seriously, I have NEVER dreamed of being pregnant, having a positive test, having an ultrasound - the only dreams that involved me having a baby were of me holding a baby that was already born... in fact, it was never really clear if the baby I was holding was even mine! But last night? I. WAS. PREGNANT.

And it was real time, so I was exactly where I am now in a cycle, on CD 8. My last period was a little on the light side, and I went in for an ultrasound to see what was going on with the unusual bleeding I had been having post-Peak (P+2-4). And, because it was a dream, DH was with me (he wouldn't usually go to a regular gyn ultrasound with me). Well, there on the screen popped up an image of a baby, about 10 or 11 weeks along!!! And not only that, but there were TWO of them!! I remember the best part of the dream being that, once DH and I got over the shock that we were actually PREGNANT, I got to be the one who told him, "Um, guess what, honey... there are TWO babies in there!!" It was surreal. It was awesome.

And then I woke up.

I was telling St Rita's Roses about it today as I scanned her :) She said well, at least if you never get to have that joy in real life, you got to experience it in a dream! I said, that's right, I can live vicariously through myself :)

Sigh. I would LOVE to have twins.

Anyway.

I did schedule my Clear Passage Therapy for the week of June 13-17. I haven't bought the plane tickets yet, but I plan to fly down June 10th and then spend the weekend before treatment going to St Augustine to see the Our Lady of La Leche shrine. I have always wanted to go! Well, at least since I've known about it. We'll be staying right in Gainesville, FL, so if any of you local bloggers would like to meet up, maybe at the shrine, I would love to!! Most of the treatment week I will need to take it easy.

The treatment will be pretty intense. Basically they massage your pelvic area externally and then part of the massage is also internal. (I was telling Sew Infertile how lucky my va-jay-jay is, with all these steam baths and massages it's been getting!) After the 4 hours of treatment per day, they send you back to the hotel with instructions for what exercises to do there. I have to drink a ton of water each day, since the therapy will be releasing and freeing up toxins. I am weirdly VERY excited about this. Really. I can hardly wait.

How far is June??

Finally, I spoke to my CA NaPro Dr (the one who recommended the Clear Passage massage) and asked her about my weird post-Peak bleeding the last couple of cycles. She said this does NOT sound like a typical detox symptom of an elimination diet, and that if it persists I should do bloodwork (already did last cycle, it's not falling progesterone), have an ultrasound, and possibly a biopsy. BIOPSY???? Here I was thinking maybe it's a polyp, and maybe I should have a saline sonogram... but a BIOPSY???? Great, now TCIE is going to have endometrial cancer?? Wonderful. This is what I'll be worried about all Easter.

Speaking of Easter, Easter happens to be Day 14 of my cycle. Just sayin'.

If you have an extra prayer (I know I'm overreacting here, but it wouldn't be the first time one of the IF bloggers was diagnosed with cancer... and one of my online friends died last year on my birthday to cancer, so...) please say one in regards to this whole bleeding issue, and ask God to please not add cancer to my list of ailments. Thanks.

My Creighton Model Story

2011-04-07T17:13:00.008-04:00

Now that you've read my Birth Control Story, I figure I should give you some insight into how I became a part of the Creighton Model FertilityCare System.

Once DH and I were engaged, I stopped taking the pill because I no longer needed it for birth control (since suddenly, I was celibate... well, better late than never...) A few months later, much to my chagrin, my acne came back with a vengeance. My wedding was to be in August, and this was now January. I was NOT going to have acne at my wedding, NO WAY! But since my insurance was no longer covering my prescription for birth control pills (naturally my first choice of remedy for acne, because, wasn't it the magic pill that solved everything, after all??), I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I turned to my sister. Who didn't want her prescription renewed since she didn't like the side effects of the pill (why did this not bother me?), and instead sent me her meds.

So, merrily I popped along, watching my skin almost instantly clear up. PHEW! Crisis averted! And it wouldn't be too long until I would stop taking them for good, I told myself, because I wanted to have kids right away. Only 7 months to go.

In April, DH and I enrolled in our Pre-Cana classes, and were told that part of the requirements was to attend an Introductory Session for the Creighton Model FertilityCare System. So, we traveled to New York, where the secretary from my hometown parish gave a presentation to us and a few other couples on a powerpoint presentation.

I can remember that Intro Session like it was yesterday. I won't say my eyes were completely opened, because they weren't. Yet. But it was quite literally a very comprehensive presentation of information that NO ONE HAD EVER GIVEN TO ME BEFORE. I mean, here I was 24 years old, and just now finding out that all that gooey clear stuff I would often see on my underwear and when I wiped from the time I went through puberty was not only NORMAL, it was a GOOD thing! And don't get me started on the slide about the effects the pill has on your reproductive system, in particular the endometrial lining. I was flabbergasted.

After the Intro, we were given a chance to decide if we wanted to sign up for charting. I had already decided after the first slide that YES this was what I wanted to do. I always knew I wanted to have kids early, and now there was a way I could actually make sure it happened as soon as I wanted it to!!! (See, I told you my eyes weren't completely opened yet.) When I told the Practitioner that I wanted to sign up, she asked me a few health history questions and ascertained that I was currently taking the pill, for my acne. She said in order to chart accurately, I would need to stop taking the pill first. Yikes. What?? My happy pills? My beautiful-skin pills?? My "just in case" pills?? Ummmm... even after hearing about the effects the pill was having on my body, I was resistant. I told her, "Well, we're getting married in 4 months, so maybe I'll just start charting then."

Oh, how silly and misinformed I was.

But my Practitioner, bless her soul, emailed me to suggest some alternatives for my skin. I didn't really look into them, and put it on the backburner... but deep down I was starting to feel like I had to give up my happy pills...

Later that same month, my sister (the same one who gave me the pills because SHE didn't like the side effects) bought me an early bridal shower gift - a Consultation and Treatment with an Ayurvedic Dr in NYC. It was for my acne!! OK, I reasoned, I will give this a try, and now I'll be able to come off the pill AND start charting.

And so I began charting, April 2006.

The Ayurvedic Dr helped to get my skin back to clear and beautiful in time for my wedding, praise God. My charting was going well, and I was of the impression I was the most fertile woman in the world because of all the baby stickers on my chart. I had clear stretchy lubricative mucus almost EVERY DAY! It was awesome! Woo hoo, baby-makin', here I come!

And while the charting was beginning to work its magic on me, I have now come to understand that the magic of the Truth takes a longer time to grow once planted in your heart, whereas the black magic of lies is instantaneous.

Case in point: Our honeymoon. If you go back to my charts from 2006, you will notice a big gap between August 18th (the day before our wedding) and September 20th (the start of my next cycle), because I reasoned, why chart on our honeymoon?? I wanted to ACHIEVE pregnancy, and we would be having lots of, well, you know, so why bother?? Right?
Except that while my chart was in the States and we were in Italy, I began to spot. And continued spotting... and now I had no record of this crazy spotting.

The next cycle when I resumed charting, I still had crazy spotting after my period, but then the stretchy mucus appeared and I had it all the time. So the spotting didn't worry me too much since I was having all of these "fertile" signs.

(Did I mention that my Practitioner had only given me two follow-ups since I was a long-distance client... and so, I didn't realize at the time that my variable return of Peak-type mucus was actually a sign of DECREASED fertility and possible anovulation.)

After three months of lots of, well, you know, on lots of baby sticker days, and no baby in my tummy, I was getting concerned. (Yes, 3 months. I was a VERY impatient infertile in the making. I think I've come leaps and bounds in that regard, don't you?) So, off to a Dr of NaPro Technology we went, not even realizing how LUCKY we were to have one in our own backyard, 20 minutes away. It was the same office I had called up after a google search following our Intro Session for Creighton.

"I'm getting married in August and wanted to see if I could come here for prenatal care and for the Dr to deliver my babies?"
"No, I'm sorry, the Dr is a General Practitioner, and doesn't deliver babies. We mostly do pre-pregnancy things at this office, for NaPro. Like, if there was some problem you were having with your cycles and fertility."
"Oh. Alright, thanks anyway."

When we went to the office for the first time (which, by the way, is the office in which I now sit typing this blog post after having finished up an evening ultrasound patient), I was under the impression we were there to get pregnant quicker :) Because, after all, I should be in my 2nd trimester already at this point!! But my charting was so messed up, that I was in fact a gynecological patient, not an "infertility" patient as I had assumed I was ;) So, the Dr tested me and treated me for the issues she saw glaring at her from my charting - irregular bleeding, short post-Peak phases, variable return of Peak-type mucus... and after about a month of these tests (and another ultrasound), I was told that I had likely not ovulated at all since I'd been charting, and I had PCOS. PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) was then thoroughly explained to me by the Dr, and I was told of a few options I had to help me ovulate again - surprise, surprise, none of the options included the pill!
After 6 months of "fertility-focused intercourse" i.e. having lots of, you know, on supposedly fertile days, the Dr told me I should go home and discuss with my husband if we were ready to try something like Clomid. The words barely made it out of her mouth when I was shouting "Yes, we're ready!!" since I had already been googling the heck out of PCOS and knew I wanted Clomid to be my next Happy Pill :) And it was!

For a while, anyway. It helped me ovulate each and every time I took it... but after 9 months on Clomid and a few delayed ovulations, I began to wonder if I would always need to take medication in order to have normal cycles. The thought, which at one point in time hadn't even crossed my mind, was now haunting me. I saw how nice my charts started to look on Clomid... but it wasn't really MY BODY ovulating on its own. It was like I was tricking it, or something.

And the Creighton Model was beginning to sprout in my heart.

My cycles started to look so much better to me, that I went back and looked at my first charts and could see just how messed up my body had been after coming off the birth control pill. I had thought to myself at the Intro Session for Creighton that I wanted to become a Practitioner someday, but now I knew for sure this is what I wanted. I enrolled in the training session immediately.

In April of 2008, I had my very first surgery - a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy/D&C, selective hysterosalpingogram, and... an Ovarian Wedge Resection. After discussing with the surgeon all the details of this complex surgical procedure, I knew I wanted to do it. Not only were pregnancy rates high after the surgery (which, I won't lie, was at the time my number #1 goal), but it may actually help my body to learn how to ovulate again on its own.

Four days after the surgery, I ovulated on my own.

And I have ovulated each and every cycle since then, either on or before Cycle Day 14, even without medication.

Praise God!

Infertility has taught me so much about myself, and has helped me to grow as a person, but I consider our (my husband's and my) infertility to be a portion of the journey, lying under the bigger umbrella of Creighton Model FertilityCare. Now, every time I give an Intro Session to new clients, I really am struck by how true it is that this system "fosters an appreciation for fertility." That is EXACTLY what has happened for us. As a teen, I didn't appreciate the signs my body was giving me that something was wrong, and instead I just wanted to stop the inconveniences. As a young adult, I didn't care that the pill would help me "preserve my fertility" because I appreciated my fertility - rather, I just wanted to make sure I could "get pregnant when I wanted to." There was no God in my equation of how my life would pan out. Heck, there wasn't even a husband in my equation, it was solely about ME and MY desires to have children early.

I have experienced how beautifully life-giving the Creighton Model is, and it has brought me so far in my own morality, not to mention in my physical health.

If only I had been given this system when I was 19 years old.

Posting

2011-03-31T17:50:00.002-04:00

I have at least 5 posts ready to go in my head, and the most important one being the follow-up to the Birth Control Story: My Creighton Model Story.

But I just don't feel like writing. I feel like the past 2 days have been a long Good Friday, and I don't know how long it will last.

Please keep my dear friend in your prayers. Prayer Buddy if you are reading this, I ask you to please forgo my intentions and instead pray for my friend.

Dear Lord, deliver us.