Thursday, February 9, 2017

A New Life

And so, I'm back: This Cross I Embrace. It was weird there, for a while. A blog about the cross of primary infertility, begun in 2008 when I was convinced I'd be "switching topics" to Mommy Blog within 6 months, felt as if it had culminated in August 2014 when miraculously, that part of the cross was lifted forever. I wasn't quite sure in what vein to continue blogging. I knew it was always cathartic for me. I knew I still had plenty to say. But, just as my life was getting a brand new makeover, I knew my blog needed one, too, to survive venturing into the unknowns ahead.

Infertility I had perfected ;) Pregnancy and Parenting? Not so much.

And now I have reached a crossroads I never thought would come to pass. A time to begin talking about the new cross I embrace.
Single parenting.

You may have noticed I mentioned that infertility was only a part of the cross I embraced. And, through the past 9 years of blogging, I've subtly mentioned that there were other crosses even heavier than infertility. Multiple times, I thought those crosses had been lifted. And multiple times, I watched everything come crashing down around me when Truth stepped in.

So I come back to my old familiar safe space, and I accept this new reality of my life- it brings me to my knees, daily. I will brush off the old keyboard and put my thoughts, feelings, fears, struggles, and prayer requests out there, once again. This is so, so very far from how I envisioned my life as a mommy.

Let me back up and say, it is incumbent on me to keep the details of everything that has transpired since 2002 off of this blog. Those who know me well are probably (by now) aware of those details, but for the most part, they were kept hidden even from close family members, until several years ago. If you do know me, and want to reach out, please feel free to do so. However, and I repeat, I will not be going into details on this blog, for the most important reason of my son's privacy and ability to process things in his way, in his time. I ask that if you are privy to specific details, you respect my boundary in that (as I'm sure all of my readers would).

What I can and will share are the steps of the journey, as this is a huge reason why I wanted to re-enter blogosphere. I am currently in the midst of the civil divorce process, since September, and my God, what a horrific cross it is. My one reprieve is that I literally have no time to sit and dwell upon how everything seems to be crumbling to pieces, because I am doing everything I can to assume the roles of both provider and nurturer to my son. Finding the balance is the trickiest part of all. More on that in future posts, I am certain.

And back to that son of mine. 22 months old next week. He is my sunshine, my motivation, my comic relief, and my warmth. It is at once the greatest joy I've ever known, and the greatest suffering I've ever known, to have him here in my arms in this world when I cannot shelter him from the pain of this mess. It torments me with guilt in knowing others who suffer childlessness are not headed for my same destiny, and their children will not be products of divorce, if they are ever blessed with them. My heart bleeds for those women, and to think of them reading my story, shaking their heads in saying, rightfully so, "It's just. not. fair." It isn't. Not one bit. Oh, how much I, too, wanted that fairytale ending where one cross being lifted would lead to a domino effect of all of the bigger, heavier crosses simultaneously being lifted. It's not what happened.

And yet, my son's life is the single greatest thing to have ever happened to me, and more miraculous than even I knew at the time. So, as I'm accustomed to doing, I am going to grab this bull of my new role in life by the horns, stare it in the eye, and only with God's help forge a completely new path forward and upward. Don't let my confident words fool you. I am scared out of my ever-loving mind. But I will embrace this new cross joyfully, thanking God every day for entrusting me with it, one day at a time.

20 comments:

Mary said...

Love you so much. You are one of the strongest people I know. So lucky to know you ❤

Anonymous said...

I had wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear what has transpired in your marriage. It was obvious there were deep issues you were struggling with, and I imagine you fought this outcome for a long time. Best wishes to you and your son in this new season of life. Thanks for updating. I hope you'll continue.

Bethany said...

I am so very sorry. Since I don't know you "irl" I don't know any of the details but just wanted to offer my prayers! May the Lord sustain you and your son as you carry this very heavy cross.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you sister! God loves you so deeply!

Rebecca said...

My prayers are with you. I am grateful for our friendship and I am always here.

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

I'm so very sorry to read this! You and your sweet son are in my prayers. Hugs.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Amy. Prayers for you.

Donna said...

I am sorry to hear this. You and your son are in my prayers!

Kat said...

Holding you close in prayer friend <3 You and your beautiful son are in my prayers. Read Isaiah 54:5 & 10, I hope it bring you some comfort and peace. God will sustain you through this incredibly difficult time.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

((Hugs)) Love you!! Offering up my struggles for you.

Elisa said...

So sorry to hear about your continued struggles. Prayers for you and your son.

Chasing said...

Love you!!!!

Catholic Mutt said...

I really don't have any words, but prayers as you walk through the unknowns of this cross!

Molly M. said...

Keeping you and your son in my prayers.

PaxEtBonum said...

Wishing you strenght and peace in this new challenging and painful new phase of life. Prayers for you and for all involved.

Amazing Life said...

You and your son are in our prayers! I am so sorry for the sadness and heaviness of the cross you are asked to carry, but if anyone can carry it - YOU CAN! God's grace is sufficient! XOXO

Anonymous said...

When I read, "A New Life," I thought this post was a pregnancy announcement. This...This is not what I expected at all. I'm sorry. I've read your blog since 2010 and knew about some major non-infertility stressors, but you always seemed to pull through as a united couple. I'm living a life completely the opposite of, and much more stressful and challenging and frightening than, what I had expected, but I am surviving. You will, too. Hugs.

Lucky as Sunshine said...

Prayers for you and your son.

chimakuni said...

Having been separated for the last three years, after thirty years of marriage, I can empathize with you ... in heart and in similarity.

I am so sorry that you are going through a civil divorce and would that you nor your son would have to endure this painful season.

I can tell you that there is life beyond this cross that you are currently carrying - and as my marriage imploded and I sought out Christ's healing, I espoused myself to Him and Him alone. He is a great lover and never disappoints. St. Joseph often hears my pleading for prayers - and he is a true gentleman, always going to his Son to pass along my requests.

I am praying for you and your son - and as strange as it may seem - for your spouse.

There is a woman by the name of Rose Sweet who works with divorced (hate that word) people - you may wish to look her up - she is on Facebook and her site is https://rosesweet.com/.

God bless you and hold you close -

Stephanie @ Blessed to Be said...

I'm so very sorry. Prayers for you and your son.