Tuesday, September 30, 2014

How It Has Been

I am just over 11 weeks, today, and I actually made my bed this morning.

That is huge.

Because today, I finally felt less queasy.  So, I did something productive.

Up until today, I have pretty much loafed around, not made any meals expect for the occasional Sunday brunch or quickie weekday dinner, and basically felt like butt any time I exert any, and I mean any, energy whatsoever.

Yes.  First Trimester has been... yuck.

It has been a humbling experience, for sure.  Because truth be told (and this won't come as any surprise to those of you who have read this blog for a while), I desired having children, but I never *really* desired pregnancy.  It was the only area I felt like I had some control when the proverbial crap was hitting the TCIE household fan and all bets were off on the adoption/foster front, and so I became hell-bent on trying to control my fertility and have children the "conventional" way, when in the end, it honestly didn't matter to me HOW they came to me.  I was a hot mess, and infertility and inadoption saw to it that I was humbled in ways I never, ever would have been, otherwise.

And now?  As a Choleric who likes to get things done, get them done my way, and pretty much always know that if left to me, yes, the job will get done, and get done right... I'm discovering that pregnancy throws yet another humble pie right into that old stubborn face.  I can't do anything.  Walking more than 15 feet makes me pant like I ran a marathon.

It's been awful.

And... it's been absolutely, 100%, incredibly and gloriously A-MA-ZING.

I am LOVING that God is now using this perfect and tangible blessing to show me that, hey, guess what, Choleric TCIE?  It's not about you!  It's about the baby!!  Unproductive?  I don't think so!  Your body is housing ANOTHER body that is rapidly and safely growing every minute of every day!!  That is tough work!

So, who cares if I'm not making gourmet meals or running marathons?  I am creating a home for my child to grow in, and that is really all that matters.

Plus, the silver lining may now be appearing as I near the end of the First Trimester.  (How did that happen, exactly??  Crazy.)  Maybe I'll be back in business in the kitchen soon, and maybe I won't.  One day at a time, and I'm loving every disgusting, achy, blessed and beautiful minute of it :)

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

As a former infertile blessed with a beautiful daughter I can tell you that motherhood is an amazing gift but it has its own crosses. When i was struggling with infertility I always looked down at pregnant women and newly mothers complaining about physical or psychological exhaustion but biological maternity made me more humble and understanding. Being a mother is at once a wonderful and tough job.

Stephanie Z said...

So glad to hear that you are learning and finding the good in all of it.

Melody said...

So happy for you! I started following your blog last spring when my dear sister in law was diagnosed with IF, being that I had three pregnancies and three healthy babies in less than three years, I felt like an intruder. And then I lost a baby the week you announced your pregnancy. And that same week I found out the my SIL who has been IF is pregnant and due when I would have been!
God is amazing, though often times answered prayers can bring bittersweet moments. I prayed for you whenever I thought of you, and it is so amazing to be reading your blog now! You helped me understand where my SIL was coming from so that I could know what to say and what not to say. Thanks for being a blessing!

E said...

Yay, yay, yay!! Thank you, Jesus!!!

Praying for Hope said...

Infertility does make you appreciate the discomforts of pregnancy and the challenges of early childhood much more, especially if take into consideration the possibility that this may be your only opportunity to experience them. I know it has helped me to bear heartburn, sleepless nights, tantrums, and epic boundary pushing with much more patience than I normally possess. It's a good ride. There are bumps, but the scenery along the way is incredible.

MaryMargaret said...

Oh, my goodness! I hadn't heard/read. Congratulations and best of luck. You, your little one and your husband will be in my prayers.

GraceofAdoption said...

So awesome how God uses each moment and season in our life to teach us. Glad you are almost through the first trimester.

Ania said...

It's ok if you aren't enjoying every minute either. A fellow blogger recently reminded me that not enjoying it does not diminish your gratitude for it. Yay for the approaching second tri!

CS said...

I'm still so happy for you, and want to hear ALL ABOUT YOUR PG! More posts please! I am normally just lurking, but I am a former IF-er too.