Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Divine Mercy- Part II

Read Part I here

We sat down at the end of a looooong conference table, across from the lawyer.  I didn't think about this at the time (I wasn't thinking about much other than trying to keep my lunch down), but it was actually quite symbolic.  Here we were, staring down a sterile, long, and empty table... about to stir up and re-hash our painful past which was likewise sterile, long, and empty.  The windows illuminated the room from behind the lawyer, reminding us continuously that this day was a beautiful one, despite all the storms we had weathered to get to it.

The lawyer motioned to my thick envelope of unpleasant papers, and said, "It looks like you came prepared with quite a lot!" to which I responded, "Well, we do have a very involved case..."
"Tell me about that," she naively suggested, not realizing what she'd be in for.

And so, we told the "condensed" yet thorough story which lead us to her office.  Some things I've written about on my blog.  Other things I've only shared with a few people.  All things I haven't discussed, thought about, or allowed myself to feel for almost a year.

She listened.  Patiently, without interrupting.  She nodded.  She asked questions when we paused.  And when we finally finished, she said,

"I'm not sure if you've considered surrogacy, but with that, you would not be under the intense scrutiny of a home study, and all of this would not even matter."

Our hearts sunk into our pelvic floors.  (I've just picked up yoga, again.  Therefore, I have picked up using the term "pelvic floor" whenever humanly possible, again.  Kinda like mittleschmertz.  Can you find an occasion when it's not fantastically opportune to use the word mittleschmertz?)

Two hours of driving.  Three and a half years since the arrest.  Four and a half years since we began our adoption journey.  Nearly seven years since we were married and began trying to build our family through any means.

All to be brought back to a question to which we've always known the answer in our hearts?

"No," I politely responded.  "We do not feel comfortable with that option, for both personal and religious reasons."  And we held our breath for what was sure to follow...

Except, her next statement caught us by surprise.

"Okay!" she cheerfully and non-judgementally exclaimed.  "Then... let's talk about adoption!"

Ummm...
 say whaaaaaa???


And without further delay, she asked more questions, took a look at our pack of unpleasant papers, heard us talk about the Hague Convention and our contacts (yes, plural) who were willing to help us pursue an adoption in Mexico, which we saw as our only viable option for any time in our future, and declared,

"Well, actually, I think a domestic adoption is your best bet.  And, after hearing everything, gathering all the facts... I know the probation is over in October, but I see no reason why you wouldn't be able to go through the home study process..."

Our hearts skipped a beat... too soon, because, her sentence wasn't finished:

"...now."

Hearts froze in their chests, as did the lungs.  Was I hallucinating??  Or maybe this was a scam... was she about to ask us to fork over $100,000 for the baby she had hidden in a safe in the back?  No, wait, maybe she just hadn't really been listening... she must have misunderstood us... she had to have misunderstood... right???

And as I opened my mouth to begin to discreetly ascertain whether any or all of the above were the case here, my heart unfroze, finding itself in my voice box.  My voice wavered.  And before I had a chance to let my mind force my heart back into submission and do the talking, it had moved up to my eyeballs.  And out.  The flood gates had opened.



I apologized and quickly (though not as quickly as I would have liked) composed myself.  Where did that come from?  I'm not that girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, if I were, it would have been mangled and destroyed long ago.

Our lawyer picked up on this, and talked to us about how counseling for our infertility could be something we would benefit from, because our emotions still seemed very "raw."

My husband explained, "Well, actually, our infertility lead Amy into her current career, where she helps women and couples achieve their family goals every day.  We also lead an Infertility Support Group in our Diocese.  We feel pretty good about our infertility... it's the 'inadoption' that still feels raw."

I elaborated,  "For us, adoption was never a Plan B, it was Plan A.  I never really cared if I experienced pregnancy or not... while I recognize that it would be nice, of course... it's not something I mourn the loss of. For me... it's always been about being a mother."

And she nodded and said, "I know.  I feel exactly the same way."  (She adopted her daughter.)

She went on to tell us more about this center for counseling on both infertility and adoption, and that they would be a good resource for us since they've dealt with clients with all kinds of history in both.  After checking out the center, I have to agree that it will serve us well.  Clearly, inadoption has been a wound that never healed the way our infertility has.  It was, rather, hidden, ignored, and never tended to, in the hopes that it would just go away on its own.

We began to discuss particulars about the next steps to take...

Stay tuned for Part III

32 comments:

Jenny said...

Whoot!!!! You and these cliff hangers! Can you post part three right now??!! Please and thank you.

Angelique said...

God bless you and praying for you and God's will for your family. Sending so many good wishes and prayers your way!!!!

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

Woo-hoo!!! I agree with Jenny. Part III now please!!! :)

Simone said...

wow what great news!!!!! Congratulations......Can't wait to hear more of the story....

More Than Anything said...

Crying!! That's great news! I want to hear more!

DM + AM said...

We are so happy for you! DM and I pray for you almost every day!

Julie said...

When I saw that your first post said part one, I waited until you posted part 2 to read both together....but you left us hanging anyway!!

I hope and pray adoption will grow your family!!

Catholic Mutt said...

Fantastic!

January said...

Woohoo!

Sarah said...

Okay, I am a little teary-eyed. This is exciting!!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

GOOD GRAVY WOMAN, GIVE US PART THREE!!!! Also, this post should have come with a "tissues needed" warning, because I found myself in need of one and was unprepared!! :) :)

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

oh I have chills all over. Please Jesus!

Donna said...

Praise God!

And, yes, more please! Now, please!

Molly M. said...

Alleluia! Such good news! I'm continuing my prayers for you!

JellyBelly said...

It is definitely not a coincidence that we will be going through the process together!!!!!

allyouwhohope said...

So excited for you!!!

Thankful said...

YEAH!!!! Praying that Part III comes quickly!!!!!!!!

Lucky as Sunshine said...

How exciting, can't wait for part III

Leila@LittleCatholicBubble said...

More, more, MORE!!! Like, right now, lady!

ecce fiat said...

Amazing! I'm on pins and needles here :)

Ania said...

AMY!!!
Part 3 better be the last in this series. I don't care if its a 50 page post, I will read it in its entirety! DO NOT make me wait for a part 4 :)~
On pins and needles!

Ania said...

Agreed

Julie said...

I have goosebumps. Anxiously awaiting Part III!!!

sayin' i love you said...

I don´t know how this story is going to end but so far I just feel really, really happy for you TCIE. I can´t wait for the rest :)

Sew said...

I love being in the know! LOL This crap would tick me off otherwise! LOL

Silvana said...

Part three!! Part threeeeeeeeee!!! :)

the misfit said...

OK, this is excellent so far. But - ANOTHER CLIFF-HANGER?!

Kat said...

Praying for you! I would like to echo everyone else's request, Part III please! This is so awesome!

one joyful day said...

I waited for part II also, Julie! And then we STILL have to wait!!! I am soooo excited and definitely got chills and teary reading this! Can't wait for more...continued prayers for y'all!!!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

YAY, YAY, YAYYYYYY!!!!!!! I had SO hoped that you could start the process right away!
:-D Can it get any better??!!?? Dying to read part III!

Amazing Life said...

So crazy happy for you!!!

St. Rita's Roses said...

this is sooo promising....u fibbed in ur text to me!