Saturday, September 1, 2012

Untitled

I wrote a long post just now, which really had no beginning or ending... went back and read it, and realized it made no sense and it stunk.

The one thing that has been bugging me the most lately is the lack of feeling God's presence. I sat in the chapel the other day, and literally begged for Him to clear my mind. I felt like I needed to quiet everything, slow down the pace, in order to allow Him to enter. I said a rosary, and waited. But while things got quieter, no sense of peace, affirmation, or anything that I could pinpoint specifically as God's presence.

I am truly missing this. And it makes the journey so much more difficult when I question where I am. Am I suffering the way He wants me to? Am I doing His work as He would desire me to? I was, and am, craving the answers to these questions... but there is only silence on the other end.

I know there's no easy "answer" out there for me. And in coming across my own post from 2 1/2 years ago, I realized that the suffering itself is what is bringing me closer to God... but then, shouldn't I be feeling His presence most acutely, now?

I just need to know that I am on the right path. How can I carry this cross until the end without that? I can't even finish this post, because I just don't know where it's going.

I wrote a short post just now, which really had no beginning or ending... went back and read it, and realized it makes no sense and it stinks. But this time, I posted it anyway. Because sometimes...? Sometimes life makes no sense and it stinks. But we can only do our best.

13 comments:

Rebecca said...

I think the silence is the worst. And I can't help but think how Mother Teresa suffered from silence from God for years, and yet, still said:

"A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."

And as I read the words "must empty ourselves" I couldn't help but think how full your bucket will be in heaven!

I wish this silence wasn't an added part of your cross, I wish none of this were part of it. I do know though, if anyone is going to bear this silence with sanctity and grace it is you. (And, I know if I were reading this I would be thinking something like: I don't want to bear it with grace or sanctity, I want to hear Him, now. *stomping my feet* so please know I don't write this lightly.)

Praying for you to hear His voice and feel His comfort.

ALIVEINHOPE said...

As I read your post, Blessed Mother Theresa of Calcutta came to mind... all the years she endured without being able to feel God's presence.

I also thought about one of the stories that Sr. Bridget Haase told at our recent retreat. In the '80s, she travelled to the Sudan to work in the feeding camps. Overwhelmed by the number of children who were starving and the reality that there was simply not enough food to go around, she went into a deep depression that lasted for days until a young doctor (who had travelled from overseas to provide medical care) said this to her... to focus on the child in front of her and on that child alone, then on the next and so on... "One on one is how it's done." If she looked any further, it would be too much to bear.

This story goes hand in hand with what was truly the theme of the retreat... The present moment is all any of us has and we must live in it FULLY, trusting in God even when we cannot feel His presence and when we do not understand what He is doing or why He is doing it. We must be TRULY PRESENT to those whom we encounter along the way. Who knows? Perhaps WE are an answer to prayer in THEIR life.

Keep your chin up, my friend, and know that you are held up by the prayers of so many... and that your brave witness and deep faith have been (and will be again) the answer to the prayers of others. :)

May you always know the fullness of each present moment and, whether that moment be one of joy or sadness, may you ALWAYS be blessed!

Meg @ True, Good and Beautiful said...

I remember a time when I experienced the type of desolation that I suspect you are (no peace, no resolution, no sense of God's presence). My priest gave me some excellent spiritual direction, and I thought you might like to read what he said to me. Of course, I blogged about it immediately after my meeting with him so I wouldn't forget. http://truegoodandbeautifullife.blogspot.com/2010/12/spiritual-direction-and-blog-fast.html

Prayers for you, dear friend.

prayerfuljourney said...

Hon, this is your blog and you don't always have to make sense if you don't want too. I've done random posts myself...and I know somethings I said made no sense but the post was unique to me and I hoped my readers got that. You can post about whatever you want.

There are no easy answers to IF unless one has had a baby..there's the answer we all want. My answer to IF was to become a teacher...and I'm glad I've done so. I have so many children part of my life. I love it! You have done so much for the Lord as your answer. My goodness...you do u/s's for women who are pg, etc. You have to be a rock to do that considering your own personal situation. You have strength. Lots of it.

Sometimes life does stink but when you hit bottom...the only way to go is up.

Heidi said...

Dark Night of the Soul - St John of the Cross


I've had a very similar experience during our adoption journey, and this book was recommended to me. I'm only about 1/3 of the way through it now - it's slow reading - and it is truly opening my mind. It's amazing.


It's not slow reading because it's "hard" but because every.single.sentence is profound and I end up mulling it over for hours throughout the day.

You can get it for free on a nook or kindle here:

http://catholicspiritualdirection.org/catholicclassics.html

Sarah said...

Dark nights of the soul are the worst. For me, the hardest part is persisting in prayer when there seems to be no reward. I guess I like instant gratification too much. Know that the "ray of darkness" is working in your soul, even if you can't sense it.

Your dark night might not be as long as Mother Theresa's. May you have consolation soon.

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

I, too, thought of Mother Teresa when reading this post and her book, "Come be My Light." You are not alone in feeling this way. I can't remember exactly how she said this, but the part that brought me the most comfort was her explanation of the times that felt the most painful and you felt the most alone were those when Jesus was holding you close, so close that you were being poked by the thorns of his crown. Something like that. I think it is beautiful.

Praying for you as you go through this dark time.

The Cypress Shall Grow said...

I am sorry you are going through this desert place. It sucks and you are in good company as others have noted above. Even Christ questioned if His Father had abandoned Him as He hung on the cross. Peace be with you.

Nicole C said...

I've been having one for several years now. I don't even know how to elaborate and I don't know why it exists. And I really don't know what to do about it. But I just talked to my priest about spiritual direction. Fingers crossed...

JellyBelly said...

I'm feeling the silence too, my friend. I wish that I could say something different, but I'm going through a bit of a spiritual drought.

I really hope that this is a short and passing phase.

Anonymous said...

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said—
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.

“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

“When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

“The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

-attr. to John Keith, pub.1787

E said...

Gosh, A, like all your sufferings aren't enough and you feel no comfort on top of that. SO hard! I'm sorry. But reading through the comments one theme comes out, sainthood. So, it seems like He is grooming you. Say yes to it, thank Him, and keep serving Him. He has great rewards for you.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I think it makes sense and does not stink. :) I agree, I think you are being groomed for sainthood. I'm sorry you are going through this...I've had those "drought" periods too and they are so tough. Praying for you, as always.