Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Something New

I have this ache in my heart. You know the one.

Except this time, it's not for motherhood. Well, yes, that's always there, but lately, I seem to be yearning for something... new.

I have been in the same ol' routine for quite some time now. Same ol' waking up at 5:00am, getting home at 5:00pm, and if I'm lucky, having an actual conversation with my husband. It's old, people.

I love the work I do. But I don't love my routine. I don't love spending 2.25 hours (at minimum) in my car every day.

I crave something exciting, something fresh! Especially with Autumn now officially here, I need to feel alive and rejuvenated as the earth around me begins to die. I may be the only person in the world who not only doesn't love Autumn - but actually truly dislikes it. Its one redeeming quality for me is the food. Mmmmm, butternut squash and root vegetables, chili and pumpkin. But... I don't think eating my way through the season will satisfy my desires.

I feel stuck. Right now, as I've mentioned, my income is the only one that is steady and reliable. When DH gets paid, it is not steady. He has been looking for a steady-income job for almost 2 years, now. No one wants to hire a convicted "felon." (And no one wants to adopt a child out to one, either.) If I were to take a step back and find what it really is that my soul is searching for right now, we wouldn't be able to stay on our feet. We have 8 more months before DH finishes his Health Coach Training program... then the issue will be getting the clients.

This is hard. It's also a source of added tension in our marriage. I try my best not to be resentful of DH - I KNOW he is doing what he can to get work. And he has the added stress of feeling like he cannot provide for his family, despite his repeated efforts and repeated rejections based on preconceptions of who he really is. I cannot imagine if I were to be told, over and over again, that I would not be given a chance to prove myself because of some stupid thing that I was accused of doing 3 years ago. I cannot fathom what that does to a person's self-esteem. One of the lowest times in my life was when I was without a job AND childless. But my time only lasted a few months.

Something new. Something empowering. Something healing.

Oh, how we need it.

25 comments:

Waiting Hopefully said...

Praying your something new appears soon. I completely understand the need for a change.

More Than Anything said...

I don't know what to say, other than I completely, truly understand. DH getting a job with a felon on his record his a joke.

Handling the resentment is TOUGH. I know this is probably not the healthy thing to do, but I ignore it. I cannot change it. To use the stupidest saying ever, "It is what it is". If I start to dwell on IF and never being able to adopt, and not having more $$ because of my DH and the choices HE made, I go crazy. Like bat shit crazy.

So I just accept it (or pretend it doesn't exist).

I hope you can find the change you're looking for. Praying!

Sarah said...

My DH just ended a two year period of unemployment. He had been black-balled in his field because he had ticked off someone in power a while ago, and while he had many people to speak on his behalf about the quality of his work, it didn't seem to make a difference.

Eventually, he got a lucky break. But between the stress of IF, the costs of EVERYTHING (upcoming laparoscopy, adoption, other fertility treatments) and the stress of seeing DH shuffling around the house day after day...let's just say that it didn't bring out my best side. There were days when I just lay in bed saying, "nothing ever changes" again and again as each month, my period arrived and DH was still out of work.

I'm so sorry for your struggles, TCIE. I pray that something changes soon. It helped me to focus on the few things I could change (Going dancing, working out more, etc.) to get myself out of the rut.

Lucky as Sunshine said...

Autumn is such a beautiful time of the year. Harvest of apples, butternut squash, winter squash, pumpkins. The leaves start falling. Mums are showing their beauty. I hope Autumn refreshes your spirit.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Like you, I like to have something new and invigorating to look forward to. Your work/travel/life-in-general sounds so stressful and there is no time to breathe.
I don't have much advice on the DH job front - but I'll add that to my intentions for you when I pray. And pray that something comes along to lift your spirits. Otherwise ... food will just have to do the trick. ;-)

E said...

your crosses are heavy. I'm so sorry, friend. Just keep repeating TYJ. It helps most of the time.

the misfit said...

I know the search for something new. Even without all the other things you're suffering through (!!), I get the feeling that lives, at our age, are supposed to be punctuated by regular, important milestones. The birth of a(nother) child. Kids learning to walk, talk, starting school. I always feel like "What's new?" is an attack. So I was excited to say we bought a house, and got a dog; I tell everyone who will stand still about the cabinets I'm building. It does make me happy; I know it doesn't, really, fill the hole, but I know we all have holes in our hearts, and if I have something little that brings me joy, then that's not bad. So, I hope you find your something new (and it involves less work and financial stress), very soon.

St. Rita's Roses said...

I understand the "new" part...I always cut my hair when I feel this way....why don't you become a red head. Seriously though- praying for you my dear friend. ((hugs))

barbie said...

Praying for you... And for something new on your horizon!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I don't have any great advice, my DH and I went through a few months earlier this year where he didn't have a job and it drove me crazy (well for a variety of reasons I won't go into here), but I did find it difficult and it was only temporary, so I won't try to say I know what you are all going through. That being said though, I will pray and ask St. Joseph to intercede in a special way and bring your DH a job as well as something new for you. You carry a lot of responsibility and stress on your shoulders and hopefully this "new" thing will allow you to lighten that load for awhile, or at least allow others to come alongside you and help you carry the cross.

airing the chapel said...

I know not from experience but through a lot of research that finding a job when you have a record is a terrible, unjust burden that no one should have to go through, IMO. I saw this article about a program to help "ex-criminals" start their own business. It might provide some interesting ideas, I don't know. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/24/nyregion/helping-ex-criminals-develop-start-ups.html?_r=1

prayerfuljourney said...

I know what you mean about wanting something new. I just started another school year and already I'm craving something new...it's great to have work...and I enjoy the kids...but it's the routine. I get it.

JellyBelly said...

Your work schedule absolutely astounds me, I have no idea how you do it! I love having routine in my life, particularly when the kids I teach are actually teach-able. After being back at work for almost a month I finally feel like I'm finding my groove.

I'm praying for you guys. I know that something good is ahead for the both of you!

Silvana said...

Voglia di novità! :)

Made For Another World said...

My DH is 'underemployed' and I am the 'breadwinner' in our family. It's tough being in this situation especially when you are overworked with no end in sight. All I can say is that because you are recognizing it and being honest about it, you will put yourself on a path that will lead you out of this time. It sounds like you are already on that path. Keep the course TCIE- your fortitude and faith will see you through.

Kat said...

Praying that you find your something new that also takes some of the stress away. I will pray that your husband finds steady reliable work and I will ask my husband to pray for him as well. St. Joseph the worker, pray for us!

Beth said...

Who doesn't like autumn? Weirdo ;)

Rebecca said...

Since you called me a dork on my blog ;) - I'm going to follow Beth's lead and call you a weirdo for not liking autumn.

I will say that underemployment is one of the most stressful things The Man and I have gone through - working our butts off, but not earning enough money - it was so deflating. You know I'm praying for you guys daily, and I will add this specific intention to my prayers.

silverbeetle said...

My husband has been underemployed for FOUR+ YEARS. I will add your DH to my prayers to St Joseph. Bearing the financial burden and not resenting it all is HARD, so I will (continue to) pray for you, too!

Little JoAnn said...

Your work routine exhausts me! I don't know how you do it. I really.really.do.not.

I don't think it really helps to hear from others that they would never be able to do what you do.

But, I would not be able to work as hard as you do without being a serious Brat to everyone I meet including my husband.

All I can say is it must be Grace.

And, God's way of preparing you for the biggest life imaginable.

Your life is so much bigger than most. God Loves You in Such a Special Way.

I was thinking...you might one day like to go on a mini-retreat to some Friends of mine who live in Brooklyn, NY. They are French Missionaries and have the Blessed Sacrament in their mission house.

Their mission house is very infused with Love and Healing.

I think you would love to go there for some refreshment.

Before I had Ann, this is where I went to survive.

They are the most amazing young Catholics I have ever met and their mission is Compassion.

I will you a recent photo essay of them that was just published in the New York Times.

Love you Amy!

Jodi

callmemama said...

I wish things were easier for you and your DH right now. It doesn't seem fair that he should be penalized so cruelly for his record :(. What a hard position for you to be in, too!
Keeping you in my prayers.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I can totally understand this. I always keep you in my prayers but I will focus specifically on employment for your DH!

Stacy said...

"This is hard. It's also a source of added tension in our marriage. I try my best not to be resentful of DH - I KNOW he is doing what he can to get work. And he has the added stress of feeling like he cannot provide for his family"

Thank you for putting words to how I am feeling. I get this and appreciate your honesty and authenticity as you walk this road....

LifeHopes said...

um ... 5am to 5p???

I would not last a week there.

Oh A! I am reading about the missionary house ... wanna meet?? I seriously wanna just go someplace and do the following, in this order:

1.)Sleep
2) Eat
3) Pray
4) Drink Coffee and talk about anything with a dear friend.

Wonder if they would let us.:)

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

1) Yes
2) Yes
3) Yes
and 4) YES, PLEASE!!!

I do hereby declare my house to be a missionary house. I will be expecting you shortly.