Friday, June 8, 2012

PMS - Passing Motherhood Sadness

This is tough.

Reaching a point in our journey where we needed to let go of trying so hard, and transform all of that hope for our desires into a desire for hope only in the Lord was no easy feat. But I do feel good about the place we are now, spiritually.

My body has become so predictable, so regular, that I truly feel the connection between mind, body, and spirit every day. This is such a blessing, in more ways than one, especially for the girl with an absolutely horrendous case of PCOS. But this predictability and intuition of what my body needs... it comes at a cost.

Almost the minute after I ovulate, I know. I can feel the slight soreness of breasts. A couple of days later, I will usually get a small pimple. As the days continue to pass, I'll notice 1-2 days of constipation. The breasts getting slightly more sore. I begin to feel just generally "icky." After the first week has passed, everything takes it up a notch. Emotional symptoms begin around this time. And I honestly believe the emotional symptoms are reactionary.

All of these symptoms I just listed may go unnoticed to the average woman. Reading them all at once sounds like I have horrible PMS... but these symptoms are so mild, especially in comparison to how they were when I was on meds, that with the exception of the increase of breast soreness, they are almost indetectable. Except to me.

And that's why the emotional symptoms seem to be reactionary. My body is SO predictable now, that I know in my heart of hearts when my period, another period, a loss of another cycle, is approaching. And I carry that knowledge around with me for about 11 days each and every month. It is not premenstrual syndrome I am experiencing. Rather, it is passing motherhood sadness. It is what I try, but cannot, avoid in this life. It is what I try, but cannot, avoid in this cross. With each of these symptoms comes a silent but constant reminder that I am passing motherhood by. Not the other way around. And being always aware of this for 11 days each month brings with it a great sadness. The sadness is the burden.

I hear my body speaking to me... for 11 days, it echoes the refrain in my head: "You are not pregnant." It wants pregnancy. It needs pregnancy. It prepares for it each and every month. And these physical symptoms are the aches and pains of my body not getting what it needs. My mind and spirit don't know how to satiate these needs, and so I begin to feel their emotional aches and pains. Everything is imbalanced. Fighting, and dying. Every day. For 11 days. Every month of passing motherhood.

I wish it was easier. I wish my body could understand what my mind does. This cycle of my body building up and crashing, building up, and crashing, over and over, is not a roller coaster ride. It's more like a tractor revving its engine, to do its job (what it was designed to do), and ultimately dying. At a certain point you wonder why it keeps trying to start the engine. Or another analogy that's floating around my head is of a lonely wife at home, yearning for her husband to come back, spending hours cleaning and cooking, prepping the dinner table, lighting the candles, dressing in her finest outfit... but her husband never does come home. And she is always crushed to realize he's off with another woman. It's contrary to nature. It's heartbreaking. But why does that wife continue to cook and clean, prep and dress, night after night?

My body hasn't picked up on reality. And so for the remainder of my procreative years, I will need to find a way to survive this PMS, accepting it as my body, mind, and spirit's way of hoping against hope, never giving up until biology says so. Passing Motherhood Sadness will need to be the base of this cross I embrace, as I move forward on this journey.




29 comments:

Lea said...

This post truly gave me chills. You have such a way with words. My hearts aches for you. I admire your great faith and your ability to let go and let God the best that you can, but I know that must not be easy and certainly not for those 11 days. May God continue to grant you peace and healing in body, mind, and spirit. You are in my prayers.0

Rebecca said...

'Hoping against hope, never giving up until biology says so.' So easily said, yet the reality of it is so much harder. I pray sometimes for the hope to not creep in, because without the hope, I don't have the fall...and yet, for me anyway, it is in the hope where I feel most alive and am able to lean on God the most, to hope with everything in me, and yet be willing and able to say 'Thy will be done' and truly mean it. The days when the dream and hope are dashed for a few weeks are when I feel far from God, abandoned and alone. So, if in order to feel alive and close to God I must suffer, I accept that. So, while I pray every single day that your hope is actualized, I am glad it is there at all. Your strength to allow the hope, to embrace the PMS is inspiring and gives me hope.

Sorry for the book and run-on sentences.

allthemasons said...

Arrgh I really hate that you are going through such heartache, you handle it way better than you think. Just being able to write out your raw feelings for all to read and comment is something I could never do. God Bless Amy!

JellyBelly said...

You have put words to so many of my feelings. PMS will never be the same again!

silverbeetle said...

Thank you for this most articulate and moving post. I wish I had your way with words.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for many months now, and I thought I'd finally comment. I'm touched at how you've shared your sufferings with us. I too, have had a tough road, and it reminds me of just what a difficult road it can be to be a Christian.

Jesus often asks us to accept things that we find difficult to bear. And I must say, that you have done a great job of it. In many ways, you are a better Christian than I am. There are many times in the past few months where I have just snapped at God for allowing the things that have happened to me.

I have had a different type of cross, than you, but like you, I've experienced many of the same feelings. Abandonment, frustration, even despair.

I don't know why this has happened to you, but there must be some purpose to it. Just keep trusting in God, that no matter what, he will get you through it. Because no matter what happens, God loves you, and never abandons you, even in the darkest of days.

In the meantime, offer it all up. The hurt, the despair, the sadness, everything up to Him. (Even the waiting)! I don't know whether or not you will have a child, but if you do, that child will be a special one! Count on it! You are in my prayers. God Bless You!

CS said...

Tough post to read today. You are in my prayers.

the misfit said...

I have viewed the not-menstruating aspect of being on depo as a great blessing (though I've never been as attuned to my cycle as you, so it's not the same kind of thing). Of course, my body mocks me - I've now been bleeding for almost two weeks. Maybe next month.

If there is a mercy...and I change my mind about whether this is...those of us with serious fertility-related problems are likely on average to go into menopause sooner than the normally fertile. But I do think that those of us (generally, the Catholic girls) who didn't use birth control and started ttc relatively young paid a mighty high price for our "faithfulness." We're looking at twenty years of monthly reminders of what we can't have. If we'd started ttc closer to forty, it might be a bit easier.

So yeah, I have nothing useful to say. I know it's awful. I hope it gets easier. And I'm sorry.

Shannon M Worrell said...

I am sad as well as happy to say I understand the feeling in those 11 days too. The anger and sadness that comes with the first bit of soreness. Hope seems like all we have at this point. You and your husband will be in my prayers.

St. Rita's Roses said...

hugs

BlessedBeLord said...

All that I know is that God isn't finished with your story. Just like Anonymous said, I know that God has something beautiful planned for you which is beyond our comprehension. I cannot wait to see how it unfolds. Not a single day goes by without praying for you, Polkadot, JB and all others who are waiting.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

So heart-wrenching to read ... I cannot imagine your feelings ebb and flow each month. You describe marvelously what so many feel. Prayers continue for you.

Anonymous said...

I know your pain, and the loss you feel every month.

ines said...

I discovered your blog some weeks ago. I am portuguese, and have been through the same suffering for 6 years, struggling with a spiritual fight which was never entirely won.
I now have a little three year old, and haven't been able to conceive again ever since. It's still hard, though of course it makes a world of difference.
Thank you for sharing and that way helping us, helping me. That is one big fruit of your suffering.
I will pray for you across the ocean: let's stay together in this spiritual journey.
Love,
ines

Anonymous said...

I seem to keep finding blogs of similar journeys that I have been on since 1999.

What a very touching entry.

God Bless you and I will pray for your cross you embrace.

~~~~~
Brandi

Amel said...

(((HUGE HUGS)))

I wish you God's peace beyond understanding...

WheelbarrowRider said...

I am sorry for your pain, but grateful that you are so articulate in expressing it and your words help so many know they are not alone. You are a gift to the blogging community.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you have such an amazing way with words. It was like you were in my head but knew exactly how to say it.

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

I second WheelbarrowRider. This post made my heart ache for you. You are such an inspiration to so many. I pray pray pray that your desires come true. Hugs

Anonymous said...

I prayed for years for a baby I had tried for ten years. It happened when I least expected it. I now have a 9 month old baby girl. I have suffered from PCOS since age 14. I have been on the DEPO and Birth Control pill for brief trials in my teen years. Last year I had a horrible head cold and started taking muscinex, around the same time my Doctor said I should go on metformin to try and help with some PCOS symptoms the next month I was pregnant. The muscinex thinned the cervical mucus and the metformin helped me ovulate. God finally answered my prayers, with a little help.

Good Luck on your journey but, stay positive and never give up.

I also work out everyday, don't drink a sip of alcohol, don't smoke, and had lost a bit of weight. (all new things right before I fell pregnant).

rosetells84 said...

I hope you are well, TCIE! I was at a healing mass at the Shrine of Our Lady of Good Help the other day, and I prayed for you and your intentions, and everyone suffering infertility. Your blog has been a source of hope for me. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your blog (from Grace in My Heart)... I've been reading a little and noticed you mentioned you were following a Paleo diet. I just wanted to mention that I was Paleo for several months and it messed up my hormones horribly (my body went into 'starvation mode' and I became hypothyroid). I don't have PCOS but just wanted to throw that out there for what it's worth. I felt good initially, but slowly got worse and worse. I'm now eating all the macronutrients (proteins, fats and carbs) and my temps have gone up. I'll be praying that you find the right answers!

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your blog (from Grace in My Heart)... I've been reading a little and noticed you mentioned you were following a Paleo diet. I just wanted to mention that I was Paleo for several months and it messed up my hormones horribly (my body went into 'starvation mode' and I became hypothyroid). I don't have PCOS but just wanted to throw that out there for what it's worth. I felt good initially, but slowly got worse and worse. I'm now eating all the macronutrients (proteins, fats and carbs) and my temps have gone up. I'll be praying that you find the right answers!

the misfit said...

Memo to TCIE: the internet misses you!

Jordan said...

just wanted to let you know that i've been thinking and praying for you. you've been on my heart and mind a lot lately. just wanted to let you know...

Anonymous said...

You put into words the exact feelings I cannot describe to my own Husband. I told him I feel like I miscarry a child each month, which each cycle. Your writing has helped me to feel less alone.

Anonymous said...

Hope you are OK, you are in my prayers.

the misfit said...

Happy anniversary. COME BACK! BLOGGING MISSES YOU!!

matchingmoonheads said...

happy belated anniversary as well! i second it...the internet and i miss you. thinking and praying about you frequently.