Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Details

An experience in humiliation... that's what this will be.

... OK. Here goes.

There's a new NaPro Dr at one of my facilities. We have been blessed to "hit it off" immediately, and about 2 months into our work/friend relationship I discovered she had been reading my blog for years. Ha! In either event, I offered to help her train to do the NaPro ultrasound series, the way PPVI and our Center does it (veeeeeery particularly) on me as a test patient. As it turned out, she got back from her 2nd education phase at PPVI just in time for my baseline. And so, we started. Last week.

I told myself that this would be easy. It was purely for medical training purposes. I was far-enough removed from infertility testing and treatment cycles to let this actually "matter" to me. I didn't even bring my chart in, because, well, I'm not charting.

Turns out... it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.

After the baseline ultrasound, the remainder of the day I was incredibly PMSey. I mean, clearly I wasn't PMSing on cycle day 7, but that's how I felt. I was irritable, mildly depressed, and just generally pissy. Lovely combination, really. But I had no idea why.

Poor Leila happened to send me an email right around that time, with information about St Colette. It was a witness story of a woman's prayers being answered for conception through the intercession of St Colette. That email came at the WRONG time. I believe I responded with something along the lines of, "Oh, thanks. That's nice. I'm so glad her prayers for ANOTHER child were answered. But her story is nothing like mine, and there is no miracle in store for me. Thanks again."

(I had to go back and apologize the next day, I felt so awful.)

It was probably the evening of the baseline, or even the next day, when my husband and I finally pinpointed the source of my craziness. The transvaginal ultrasound.

As gentle as the technique is, it is still an "invasive" procedure. And while my body and mind were totally ok with it... clearly my emotions were not. It brought up a host of pent up and buried feelings from the past, all the failed treatment cycles, all the previous ultrasounds, all the medications, procedures, all the anger, frustration, jealousy, bitterness, and unbelievably suffocating sadness.

By the time we were supposed to do the next ultrasound, I knew I had to just suck it up and go on with the show. "It will be over soon enough," I told myself. This was for a good purpose.
I tried to separate myself from whatever the results would be, telling myself that this was only cycle day 13, and while not actively charting, my husband and I had been keeping track of my Peak Day (or as close to it as possibly) in order to not expect my period too soon. As my Dr had forewarned, after being off all medications including progesterone, my cycle lengths would likely get longer and my Peak Days later. They've been closer to cycle day 18-20.
The next ultrasound (cycle day 13) showed an already-mature follicle. It showed a cervix wiiiiiiide open with the presence of cervical mucus. It showed a beautifully thick endometrium. Great. I hadn't wanted to know any of that. This was starting to mess with my head.
The next morning, I awoke to slightly tender breasts. Hmmmmm? Cycle day 14? Really??
Sure enough, that ultrasound showed that I had just ovulated. On Cycle Day 14.

I was so elated with the fact that my body has started to normalize, after only two months of a strict Paleo diet, that I texted friends, and celebrated with the Mr. (You know what I mean.) Wow, a day 14 ovulation, normal as could be!

But there was something else looming in the back of my mind. Not a huge thing, but worth mentioning. When the Dr input my last menstrual period (4-20) into the computer, the Estimated Due Date (if, in theory, I were to get pregnant) popped up as 1-25-2013. I immediately remembered the meaning of January 25th, a tiny sign from years ago that always stuck with me. It wasn't huge. Just a "huh" moment, really.

A few short hours later, I received a text message. A text message that freaked. me. out. It came from a charting client of mine, whom I very rarely see, but who has been a source of inspiration to me when I need it most.

She wrote:

I feel something in the Spirit for you... a change in your body function, hormones, or something. It may be a perfect time to "try." It is a season for you. A balance of some kind. Can't quite make sense of it, but take it for what it's worth, but I feel that it is safe to believe in the Lord for a family. He will not ever fail you, even though you may feel like it at times. Listen, before you get intimate with your hubby, do this: Pray together... even if he doesn't believe, say this: "Lord, we've trusted you with material things, tonight we are trusting you with our bodies. We place them and all their functioning in your hands and we trust you with our future child/children. We surrender control tonight and thank you for our coming blessings... in Jesus' name, Amen." Something like that... lemme know how ya are soon. Much love and blessings to you both.

Whooooooooaaaaaa. What?!?!?!?!

Suddenly it was all coming together. My Patron Saint's Feast Day, early in my cycle. St Gianna's Feast Day. January 25th. The texts and emails I've received from SEVERAL blogger friends this cycle, epxressing their thoughts and prayers for me out of nowhere, since I had not written or talked about my "cycle" on my blog in a long time.

No matter what this meant... I knew one thing. God wanted me to hope. It seems like every time I give up and surrender the hope for a baby, He just will not allow it. And this time, He was adamant.

I decided to email Leila and ask for help. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?!?!?!?!?! I feel like an absolute IDIOT asking for prayers... particularly because I know just how embarrassed I'm going to feel in two weeks when I have to come on here and announce that I got my period. Again. How could I possibly, after 6 years, expect anything to be different? How could I so boldly ask all of you to pray for me, as if I'm so important, and my "getting pregnant" deserves an army of prayer warriors?!?!?! Who the heck do I think I am???

But the drive was still there. I knew I had to do it. I just had to ask.

While frantically deciding, "Well... what are we going to ask people to pray??!! A rosary?? A Novena to some Saint? Which Saint?!?! There are too many!!!"...

And like a slap upside the back of the head, I knew. St. Colette. The same Saint whose intercession I had all but mocked only a week ago. It had to be St. Colette.

Leila was on it like white on rice, and I do believe it was about 8 seconds later she had already published the blog post :)


Honestly, I still feel completely embarrassed doing this. I just kept thinking of my therapist (you'll appreciate this, FJIEJ) echoing, "Say YES to the humiliation!!" Hahaha. Alrighty then. Yes, humiliation. Do your worst.

Thank you, THANK YOU, for your prayers. I promise to return each and every last one of them for your intentions.

74 comments:

sthenryii said...

I'll remember you at Mass tomorrow!

Waiting Hopefully said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless!

Sharon said...

So glad I stopped over through the link at the Bubble. Especially glad that I visited after you posted today, so I would have some idea of what was going on. I've never visited your blog before. Your blog's title is both intimidating and inspiring, as it takes courage to embrace our crosses. Your faithfulness to Our Lord will not go unrewarded. I can be lazy about praying for people - usually say a quick (but admittedly intrinsically powerful!) Hail Mary when someone asks for prayers. I did pray the St. Collette chaplet before coming over to your blog, though, and I will bring it with me to Mass today, too. I pray that you are blessed with an answer to your fervent prayers, and that God also rewards your faithfulness by allowing NaPro to better known.

M said...

Praying for you!

Martha said...

Prayed for you last night, continuing to pray today.

More Than Anything said...

Praying!!!

Chasing said...

Wow! Praying for you!

JellyBelly said...

None of this is a coincidence!!!!! Continued prayers for you!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

You know I'm praying, sister!!!!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

Praying SO hard!! And you know JB is right...NO way is this a coincidence.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

This is beautiful. Praying for you!!

Lucky as Sunshine said...

Praying for you !

LP said...

I will pray for you! So enjoy your blog. God's Love is REAL and - Rom 5:5 - hope in HIM does not disappoint! You are inspiring and I've loved following your journey in the last year or 2 - it seems it's been a huge transition and growth, amazing to see! I give thanks for the physical healing you've already experienced, evidenced in this cycle. In theology grad school we learned that the Holy Spirit is called "Gift" even prior to giving anything - receiving this GIFT, the Divine Person, is amazing - and you are already doing that by opening yourself to God's will and trusting! Can't wait to see where He leads in your life.

Theresa said...

I found your blog through Hannah's Tears. I am also RDMS and also a Secular Carmelite. My heart aches for you and know that I will keep you in my prayers in a special way today...for what it's worth.

barbie said...

I've never give up hope for you........THIS can/will happen. Trust, hope and we will PRAY!

Michelle Hughes said...

What an interesting story. I am praying for you.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

Hi TCIE! God in his providence has arranged everything perfectly.

Tomorrow my DH and I will go to Mass at the High Altar at the Basilica of Guadalupe, just a few feet from Her. My parish has organized its annual pilgrimage for tomorrow and as an exception have been allowed to celebrate Mass there on a Sunday, in the month of Mary and also during Easter. I will place this intention right there. She is with you always!!!

JoAnna said...

Praying!

His Essence is Love said...

Oh you better believe we are praying!!!!!!!!!! Jesus, we trust in You!!!!!!!!!

Lavished with Lemons said...

Add me to the list of people who have been thinking about you a lot lately! Praying for you!

C said...

Praying! And crying...you are such an inspiration.

Shannon said...

oh my, sweets... this is just too much.

I am praying, I am praying...

I imagine that St. Gianna and St. Colette are linking arms, so pleased to have the opportunity to intercede for your sweet soul...

We pray, and we trust!

mary said...

So amazing! I will definitely pray for you. You are such an inspiration to me!

mary said...

So amazing! I will definitely pray for you. You are such an inspiration to me!

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

Praying!

Anonymous said...

Will pray

Anonymous said...

I am certain that you will one day have a child.

DD said...

God definitely wants you to know it's not time to give up; that your dream serves a purpose, even if we don't know what it is. Whether it is a pregnancy or something else he wants to tell you -- you are ready and listening. I have added you to my prayers!

DD

callmemama said...

Miracles can and do happen, why shouldn't one happen to you?
Praying for you, absolutely.

Karen said...

Praying!

Cathy said...

Absolutely.
Always.

Angelique said...

The Lord is kind and merciful! Praying hard for you and your family. All things are possible!

WheelbarrowRider said...

This all has a purpose. I am so proud of you for following His will and hoping. No matter what the result. And putting it out there. Humbling yourself. That is so huge, you are such an example and an inspiration to so many people. Your beautiful faith is an inspiration to me! I did the prayer, it was beautiful. So glad to be introduced to it.

silverbeetle said...

I will pray for you at the moment of consecration tomorrow... as I often do!

WheelbarrowRider said...

By the way, who are you not to ask for prayers? Don't we all need prayers? Of course! And this community...praying is what we do best. We all want to help so often and don't know how. We are happy to do something for you, anything. You have helped all of us, over and over again! With your faith, your example, your wisdom about so many many things. Honestly, its the very least we could do!

St. Rita's Roses said...

We just stopped and prayed, we will storm the heavens for you.

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

Praying for you!!! :)

Amazing Life said...

Praying!! You deserve our prayers and as you know you have a special way of making people love you and want the absolute best for you so our prayers for you are a gift we are honored to give!

Mrs. Mike said...

This makes me so excited!!!! Just said the chaplet and will be remembering you at Mass tomorrow too!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Prayers coming!!!!!

Brenda said...

TCIE, Let me tell you something right now: You damn well better ask us for our prayers and sacrifices:) This is amazing. Truly amazing. If nothing else comes from this month, then I pray your hope and Faith are strengthened a bit more to keep trying. Blessings for you both!

mrsblondies said...

Praying for you!

E said...

Humilation is ALWAYS good for the soul, makes us rely on God not on ourselves. Prayers always for you my friend!

Anonymous said...

Praying!

CS said...

TCIE, I know when you have decided to go childless it is obnoxious for me to still pray+hope that you will somehow have a child in your family, but I can't help myself with you! Praying FOR SURE! Your post has made me really happy. :)

Rebecca said...

I am of course praying, but I wanted to say that I think you have absolutely zero reason to be humiliated OR be embarrassed AND you are in NO. WAY. and idiot for asking for prayers. Maybe if you were saying "pray for me to get pg, but DH and I aren't going to have sex, we're just relying on prayers," maybe then would I think you were a little "off", but now? Absolutely not! Your ability to be hopeful, to reach out and ask for prayers after so much that you've been through is amazing. After such a short journey I've felt my heart hardening and if it weren't for the witness and opportunity to hope with and for you I know I would be a bitter old cat lady already.
Thank-you for reaching out; for allowing us to pray for you; for continuing to share your journey.
I am praying so hard that this is your month - your turn for a BFP and a baby 9 months later.

Catholic Mutt said...

I am praying the chaplet, and I was praying for you at Mass and Adoration last night. I couldn't help but think of you during Morning Prayer with all kinds of discussion of new life coming forth from the grace of the Resurrection. Of course I know that with all the people praying for you, there will be new life and grace no matter what, but I'm praying so hard that part of that will be new life in your womb!

I agree with Rebecca that you have no reason to be humiliated. Thank you for letting us share in this part of your journey with you.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I'm honored to pray for you!!! I haven't given up hope that you will be a mom.

Beth said...

Praying the novena! M was due on the feast of St Colette :)

Mary said...

TCIE, I'm so glad my sister told me about you. Your awesome posts are a real gift. I am praying to St. Colette for you.

Sarah said...

Definitely praying...

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

This post breaks and moves my heart! I am PRAYING!!!!!!!!!!!St. Collette- HEAR OUR PRAYER!

Faith makes things possible said...

Still praying!!!! :)

doctorgianna said...

I love the chaplet and I love you! Praying!

Praying for Hope said...

All I can say is good luck. And what's so humiliating about hoping, even after all this time? Hope in spite of obstacles is part of what makes us human.

Blessed and Broken said...

Praying! A prayer pamphlet for St Colette was passed on to me by our Bishop several years ago. I am on this. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you.

Stephanie Z said...

I'm praying, too, between the tears.

Stephanie Z said...

I'm praying, too, between the tears.

Mariana said...

Praying, praying. God's will be done.

Mary said...

Praying for you!!!

one joyful day said...

Definitely praying and hoping right along with you!!!

Its In His Hands said...

I've only been following your blog losely, but I do know that Yes, you are important enough for a storming of heaven!!! Joining in on the prayers for you!

Made For Another World said...

Thank you for asking for prayers. I would be honored to pray the chaplet for you.

Ania said...

Praying, praying A! We have good reason to hope in the Lord. Much love to you!

the misfit said...

Oddly, I have not commented yet. I am, of course, praying. Though I have to say I'm kind of a fan of Rebecca's idea. Pray; no sex. Hey, we've tried everything else...

Tridentine Wife said...

I am always thinking of you, I will start remembering and pray for you.

sweet jane said...

This whole post and all the replies....here and on Leila's blog...Just beautiful. I'm all choked up. And - of course - praying with all my heart.

polkadot said...

I think you deserve an army of prayer warriors. :)

LifeHopes said...

I have never stopped praying for you!!! The Holy spirit just always seems to push you right to the forefront of my mind!

I believe with all my heart your prayers will be answered.

K said...

Dude, I am totally praying. I'll throw this week worth of rosaries for you. You have a week left, I hope you are not going crazy. (I would be).

Kyra said...

Hi,
I am just a random lurker here sometimes but I enjoy your blog. This quote popped into my head for you, it is from Julian of Norwich:

"Some of us believe that God is almighty and may do everything, that He is all wise and can do everything--but that He is all Love and **will** do everything, here we draw back...this is the greatest of all hindrances to God's lovers."

My prayer for you (for all of us!) this week is that we not lose hope in our Magnificent God, which literally means He is the "doer of great deeds"

alison said...

Still praying for you...

Being Refined said...

OK, I'm sorry, I am so late in commenting! But I am ABSOLUTELY Praying for you. I have never given up hope for you, and pray for you daily!

St Colette Chaplet here I come! ;)