Wednesday, May 16, 2012

As God Pleases, As God Wills

I really struggled to finally write this. But I knew I could put it off no longer.

You can stop praying. My period started last night.


I was expecting it since the weekend, when PMS (emotional symptoms) was FIERCE. I thought it was going to last all week, because I wasn't really expecting my period until later in the week... but it would seem aside from the obvious "I'm not pregnant," my luteal phases are also hovering around 9-10 days.

I shed a tear. Just one. Last night, in bed, after praying the St Rita Novena. I know I shouldn't expect anything more at this point... I allowed myself to go there, to hope, and it was nice. While it lasted. I do not regret the hope.
I do regret publicizing this entire cycle and its "signs," and getting all of YOUR hopes up for me. I shouldn't have asked you to pray. I'm sorry.

I looked at my husband earlier today and told him I just wish we could go to sleep and wake up at age 50. It would be so great!
He said that I should just tell people not to tell me anymore when they have these "feelings" or premonitions. But I said no. I won't do that. If God feels the need to push someone to think about us, or pray for us, or let us know something... who am I to stop them from communicating it? Yes, it hurts more in the long-run. It always hurts more when so much of yourself (and so many others) is invested in the outcome. But I think I can appropriately call myself a Pro at handling suffering now.

There's a reason we were all meant to pray together the past week and a half... and I don't know what it is, but I am SO HUMBLED and SO THANKFUL that it was for little ol' me. Thank you.

I want to put infertility behind me. Clearly that is not "as God pleases, as God wills." And so, like a lesson in obedience, I will continue to follow His lead.

Remember... this year, and from now on... it's His GPS I'm following.

49 comments:

Michelle Hughes said...

I know I'm a fairly new follower to your blog, but I don't think you need to apologize for asking us to pray for you. I was happy to do so and I will continue to do so.

Prayers of consolation coming your way.

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

I was very happy to pray for you TCIE and will continue praying. Hugs. I hate CD1. And the signs that come before it comes.

Ann said...

I am new here, too, and I agree with the others: never feel ashamed for having asked for prayer. Or for hoping. I am 44, married almost a year, and today is my CD1. I hate it, too. But praise God!! In all things - in good and bad - just keep praising Him. He has you very close to His heart. God bless you, and your witness. It helps my heart to hear other women express the feelings I have felt so alone in. God is good!!

JoAnna said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Please don't regret asking us for prayer. You are prayed for regardless, at least by me.

sthenryii said...

Please don't apologize for anything, TCIE. I was glad to pray for you and I am glad to continue praying for you.

Made For Another World said...

Just finished praying the novena for you this morning and it was an honor to do it for you. I'd do it in a heartbeat again for you. God Bless you.

Mary said...

:( so sorry. Will continue to pray

suzannah said...

You are not the only one who goes through it. I cry everytime when my period comes. I have been dealing with infertility for 10 months. All I want is a baby to love and care for. Why do some people can have 10 of them and we can't just have one to love?
I just try to put a smile on my face and be positive.. Its Gods time not ours :) Love you and I am praying for you

callmemama said...

I'm so sorry :(.

Blessed and Broken said...

Exactly as you said: "There's a reason we were all meant to pray together the past week and a half"

There is a big reason. You may not ever see or understand, but God knows. And He is working. He is not still, nor is He silent. He is present and active in your lfie. Remember this.

Mrs. Mike said...

I think I speak for everyone when I say that not a single person regrets praying for you. And pray we did. And pray we will continue to do. I'm so sad that this particular cycle was a bust for you, but you know what? No prayer is unheard or ineffective. God is outside of time and all of those prayers ARE being channeled in the right direction for you. For whatever cycle that will be the right one. For whatever child that is meant to be yours.

Brenda said...

I'm sorry. Those prayers and hopes were not wasted for a moment and we will continue for you:)

Faith makes things possible said...

I am so very sorry. I was praying for you and will continue to pray for you. Please don't ever feel badly for telling us about your cycle/signs/hope...God has brought us all together and we are all here to pray for one another through it all...the highs and the lows (damn you CD1s). And besides, regardless of if you tell us about what's going on, we will still pray for you!

Like I said, I have been and will continue to pray for you. You are so awesome and way stronger than you give yourself credit for!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I am sorry...but I am still going to pray! You are not going to get rid of me that easily!

Rebecca said...

As the others have said, please do not regret asking us to praying for you or sharing your hope.

I wish there were words, but I know there are not.

I am praying and I will keep praying for you.

St. Gerard, pray for us.

January said...

I'm sorry, TCIE. Please don't feel bad for asking us to pray for you. I include you in my prayers all the time, so really it's nothing out of the ordinary :) You are an amazing woman and an inspiration to me.

Amazing Life said...

We will always pray for you and you DH, but honestly first of all I am sorry your emotions feels so trampled on right now.
You inspire to want to trust God more, you bring him joy! Your maternal heart is touching thousands of people and like all the great saints before you the desolation can be so very hard but know that in times of sorrow or joy, we will be here (at least in the blog world) for you! Your feelings matter, your dreams matter, and your prayers matter.
It is always darkest before the dawn and you have done your spiritual work knowing that God is the sunshine that brings true warmth to your soul!

Big hugs from down south :)

Elisa said...

So sorry! I was praying for you too and do not regret it for one minute. I hate that you apologized for asking us to pray for you. It was an honor and always will be an honor to pray for you. And, I second what JBTC wrote... I will continue to pray and hope for you no matter what... you can't get rid us that easily.

Elisa said...

So sorry! I was praying for you too and do not regret it for one minute. I hate that you apologized for asking us to pray for you. It was an honor and always will be an honor to pray for you. And, I second what JBTC wrote... I will continue to pray and hope for you no matter what... you can't get rid us that easily.

Chasing said...

I'm sorry, TCIE. Please don't regret asking for prayers. We are part of the Body of Christ. It is just what we do. You are a blessing.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

I am so sorry, TCIE. As everyone already stated the prayers will continue regardless. You are following the best GPS guide possible.

one joyful day said...

I am so very sorry, TCIE...but I am not sorry for praying for you in the least! You should never feel you have to apologize for asking for prayers! Though I am fairly new to your blog and your story, I have gathered that you have been through SO much and your strength in even asking for prayers is inspiring! I will continue to pray that God hold you and Mary will comfort you right now and always!

Being Refined said...

I am sorry. Never apologize for asking for prayer. And I will continue to pray for you.

Simone said...

I'm sorry. We are all hear for you whenever you need us.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

So, so sorry. I will always keep praying.

Shannon said...

You are just so, so beautiful.

JellyBelly said...

I'm never going to stop praying for you buddy!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

I am SO sorry. Thank you for allowing us to pray for you so intensely and share your hopes and pain. My heart aches.

Nicole C said...

So sorry. But please know you get little kid prayers every single night, whether you ask for them or not.

Lena said...

It's okay to ask for prayers.

Anonymous said...

Please don't feel bad because you asked for prayers, you shouldn't regret it or apologize. That's what we're here for. I swear we didn't and we don't mind.

Ania said...

As always a pleasure to pray for you TCIE. I always admire your strength.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I.love.you.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I am so sorry about CD1. But you, and the other commentors, are right...tons of prayers are never a bad thing...God is definitely doing something with them, even if we can't see it. I am glad you don't regret sharing this with us and asking us to pray. I am honored to pray for you. And by no means do I intend to stop!! :) I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Thankful said...

Ditto. Praying for you always. Your grace is inspiring.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I'm so sorry about CD1. But the prayers won't stop coming.
As God pleases, as God wills.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry. Don't regret asking for prayers. We don't regret giving them.

doctorgianna said...

Do not regret publicizing your hope. It inspires many others.

silverbeetle said...

I will continue to pray for you as well... my heart aches for you and with you.

Praying for Hope said...

Why can't you ask people to pray for you? When you need prayers, you need them. As you can see, no one was disappointed to send them your way. That says a lot. :)

St. Rita's Roses said...

I am so sorry :(

CS said...

Don't regret asking us to pray for you! :) We are all happy to, and really, all were probably already doing so, we just ramped it up. Things come in three - it always takes 3 months of doing something to make a baby, so I am praying that this month was just a titch too early, next month could be it. Hugs.

the misfit said...

Second the point that you can't apologize for asking people to pray for you; and, that I'm praying for you anyway. I am troubled by the idea that God wants you to hope continually for something that He does NOT intend to give you. I know God teaches us through suffering; but not through torture. At least, not through torture He imposes - he allows our suffering as a result of personal and material evil, but he never holds the instruments of torture Himself. Maybe there's more to it than that...maybe He demands that you pray for this intention ad nauseum, and then He will fulfill it (or bring some other great grace) for which these prayers are necessary. That's possible. And if you're sure of your way, then keep on (and stop apologizing for asking for our prayers!).

But I have to say - I can't speak to the divine inspiration of any particular people involved in your life. But people have had "God put it on their heart" to tell me things that were absolute BS. Maybe they had eaten some bad Tex-Mex, maybe they felt guilt about something else and displaced it, maybe they felt sympathy for my situation and didn't have the self-restraint to be simply considerate but felt a vain compulsion to dispense advice. But I have had people insist upon praying and advising me in ways that are little short of malicious and NOT the work of a benevolent God, and advise me (and friends) to do things that range from the pointless to the imprudent to the occult, all in the name of acting as God's messengers. Claiming that mantle is a very engaging temptation for Christians. I would take another person's claim to bear me a message from God (however evidently sincere) with a very, very hefty grain of salt. You never know what errors in interpretation or formation may have informed their conclusions. Kind of them to offer, but you have to use your own judgment. And if you are, then, of course, Godspeed.

There's my raining-on-the-spiritual-parade comment for the day...

Anonymous said...

I have infertility too. I think of you often and send up a prayer for you. I hope God will give us babies. I really really do.
:-)

barbie said...

I'll never be done praying for you! Look at your comments and how many people love you and hold you in prayer daily. Such love from such suffering. The prayers continue.

Emily P said...

Praying and thinking of you regardless the outcome. For a baby, for strength to deal with your lot. You're an inspiration to me. I think of you often even though I do not know you!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"

Angela said...

I hate that AF showed for you :( But I am not giving up hope or prayers!!!

Lisa said...

Oh, honey. I've been there. But please don't apologize for bringing us along with you. Compassion is suffering with another. Let's be compassionate friends.

Maria Therese said...

I'm so sorry! You have always been in my thoughts and prayers! I will continue to pray for you in a special way!

My hubby and I would love to be able to concieve too. But I am 45 now. We will be celebrating our 5th anniversary June 16th, 2012. I have endometriosis and two surgeries behind me. Still, despite all the surgeries, praying, and hoping we still haven't been able to concieve! I keep wondering, what is God's will for us? Should we keep trying, hoping, and praying? I feel so disapointed and discouraged.

I think I know how you feel. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Love,
Maria