I really struggled to finally write this. But I knew I could put it off no longer.
You can stop praying. My period started last night.
I was expecting it since the weekend, when PMS (emotional symptoms) was FIERCE. I thought it was going to last all week, because I wasn't really expecting my period until later in the week... but it would seem aside from the obvious "I'm not pregnant," my luteal phases are also hovering around 9-10 days.
I shed a tear. Just one. Last night, in bed, after praying the St Rita Novena. I know I shouldn't expect anything more at this point... I allowed myself to go there, to hope, and it was nice. While it lasted. I do not regret the hope.
I do regret publicizing this entire cycle and its "signs," and getting all of YOUR hopes up for me. I shouldn't have asked you to pray. I'm sorry.
I looked at my husband earlier today and told him I just wish we could go to sleep and wake up at age 50. It would be so great!
He said that I should just tell people not to tell me anymore when they have these "feelings" or premonitions. But I said no. I won't do that. If God feels the need to push someone to think about us, or pray for us, or let us know something... who am I to stop them from communicating it? Yes, it hurts more in the long-run. It always hurts more when so much of yourself (and so many others) is invested in the outcome. But I think I can appropriately call myself a Pro at handling suffering now.
There's a reason we were all meant to pray together the past week and a half... and I don't know what it is, but I am SO HUMBLED and SO THANKFUL that it was for little ol' me. Thank you.
I want to put infertility behind me. Clearly that is not "as God pleases, as God wills." And so, like a lesson in obedience, I will continue to follow His lead.
Remember... this year, and from now on... it's His GPS I'm following.