Friday, March 30, 2012

If I Had Only Known...

There is a reading in the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary, which I have written about before, that has been on my mind a lot lately.

The reading speaks about how a faithful man walks into a church and falls prostrate on the floor, calling out in desperation, "Oh, if I only knew how to persevere!!"
And the voice of God answers: "And if you did know how to persevere, what then? Do now what you would do if you knew."

It's been on my mind because I've been thinking about infertility, where it has lead me, and the place it holds in my life currently. I have reached a point that most women can only dream about - the point of not feeling all-consumed by my childlessness, and having an overall peace about it. Though, to be clear, I am not a Saint. There are still days, and moments, when I succumb to all of those wonderfully anger-ridden emotions, particularly on certain days of the month. But for the most part, I have a clarity I used to yearn for, almost as much as I yearned for children.

I used to say that one of the toughest things about infertility was the not knowing. "If I only knew that in 'X' amount of years, we will conceive, or that by the time I'm 'X' years old, we will have adopted, or that I will never have children in this lifetime... it would be easier to deal with." And rightfully so. Not knowing is harsh. It is cruel. It is stripping away our ability to plan the lives we've dreamed of, an ability that most people do have, and an ability many people abuse.

And this is what I've been thinking of lately. How I used to feel that way, but how I don't anymore. I don't yearn to know what the future holds. And it's not because I fear it. No. It's because I trust it.

I began to examine how this change in my perspective came to be, because it seems so polar opposite from where I was. The girl who quite literally flew all over the country in a matter of days getting IVs, infusions, high-tech Doppler uterine profiles, daily injections, uterine washes, etc. etc. etc. How did that girl become this girl?
And the thought I kept coming back to was this...

"If I had only known where my life would lead me, I would have done 'x, y, z'..."

This is the thought of my future self. It is a thought I hope to never have, you see.
Because just like that reading from the Consecration, I think of the oh so simple answer... so simple, it slaps us right in the face with clarity and logic:

"Do now what you would do if you knew..."

And this thought has brought me so much peace, as I continue to navigate these treacherous waters of infertility, childlessness, inadoption, sickness, pain, sorrow, financial stress, and so much more.

It doesn't make 'those moments' less painful. It doesn't make the road any shorter. But it has surrounded me in God's peace, knowing that I am doing now what I would do...

if I had only known.

12 comments:

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

This really hit home for me:

"Not knowing is harsh. It is cruel. It is stripping away our ability to plan the lives we've dreamed of, an ability that most people do have, and an ability many people abuse."

So much of my life is spent worrying about the future and trying to figure out how to "know" what is going to happen or trying to control it so that whatever does happen - I am prepared for it. However, what a bunch of baloney I have found out - it just leads to worry and anxiety. And in a few instances the future I was so worried about turned out to be so much better than I could ever have imagined so I am glad it didn't go the way I thought it should go.

Thank you for the reminder to just live, live in the moment and do what I would do if I had known what I wanted to know. I hope that made sense...

Little JoAnn said...

:)

Speechless over here.

barbie said...

Oh to have your ability to write what you think and feel! I want to jump up and down and say exactly!!!! I also had reached this....and never could coherently put words to HOW, but you have done it. You blow me away!

JellyBelly said...

What a beautiful post. I love how peaceful you sound!!!!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

This is so beautiful and so poignant...you are such an amazing person.

But I disagree with one thing you said, my friend...I DO think you are a saint. Or a future one, at the very least. :)

Hebrews 11:1 said...

This is so beautiful and so poignant...you are such an amazing person.

But I disagree with one thing you said, my friend...I DO think you are a saint. Or a future one, at the very least. :)

Rebecca said...

This has been my biggest fear, that in 5, 10, whatever years I would look back and realize I didn't live the life I was gifted because I was too busy grasping for the life I wanted.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not being proactive enough, not doing my part enough, and others I know that I am worrying and planning too much.

"Not knowing is harsh. It is cruel. It is striping away our ability to plan the lives we've dreamed of, an ability that most people do have, an ability many people abuse." and I would add - take for granted. I think it is the "taking for granted" that I see daily that hurts the most. I know it hurts on some level because I used to be guilty of it as well.

Thank-you for this reminder, that not living this life as if I know will be a much greater tragedy than not having children and never being financially secure. Thank-you for sharing your peace and clarity.

Angelique said...

Touched and inspired. Very profound and true. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. God bless you!

sthenryii said...

Love this post! Very inspiring.

prayerfuljourney said...

I know I work on living for the moment...I too have made peace with IF and it no longer defines my life. I'm looking forward to being healthy esp when it comes to my cycles. That is my goal...health.

God bless you work on living in the moment. Leave the future to God.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Such a great post! It truly gives me pause and reflection for my own self.

Being Refined said...

This is lovely! Thank you. This really touched me!

It is a great reminder to live my life, without sitting and waiting for what I want.

Thank you!! A, you write so beautifully.