True Surrender

I told you I'd have more thoughts on this.

As I mentioned before, I am anything but a quitter. It always bothered me to hear people say, "When I finally gave up, that's when I got pregnant!" That, to me, is almost as irritating as the advice, "Just relax and it will happen!" - because both imply that there is something harmful I am doing, that I couldn't possibly change, which is preventing me from conceiving. In the first case, it is actually desiring being a mother. (And for me, I would literally have to give up the desire to be a MOTHER, not just the desire to be pregnant, because there is no adoption process available to us at this time.) In the second case, it is stress. The implication is, if you remove stress from your life, you will magically become pregnant. The statement in and of itself is incredibly stressful.

But as more and more time passes, and new crosses reveal themselves around every corner of my life, I am more and more drawn to the idea of just letting go of trying to conceive.

It is the most painful decision I've ever pondered. Every fiber in my being is invested in this decision, whatever the final outcome.

It is a painful decision because to let go, as a human, feels so much like quitting. How could it not? You have a goal in mind: becoming a mother. You set out to achieve that goal, which is a God-given desire, and you put 100 % of your heart, your spirit, your body, and your mind into reaching that goal. You may start down one path, which appears to be blockaded, but instead of giving up, you explore other paths, tredging through thick, muddy swamps, climbing over downed tree limbs and bushes... always pushing forward, always with that goal swelling in your heart.

What does it mean to surrender that journey? Does it mean we stop walking? But that is giving up! How do we surrender the journey without feeling as though we've quit, and given up on our dreams?

I think about the persistant widow of the Gospels. The one who never stops asking the judge for what she wants. I think about St. Therese, not accepting "no" as an answer in entering the convent under the legal age, and going straight to the Bishop for approval. I think about these examples, and I see the end results: the widow receives her wish when the judge finally gives in, and St. Therese becomes the youngest nun, later to die at age 24.

The difference between their lives and mine is that I know the ending of their stories. I can understand why their persistance is now an example to us all.

I don't know the ending of my story. I only know the here and now.

Surrendering to God's will. We hear it a lot as Christians. But what does it mean, exactly?

It would seem that there is a fundamental clash here. We are taught to surrender. We are shown that persistance pays off in the end.

What if we could somehow do both?

Going back into the woods, and looking at the paths I've gone down, which have all seemingly been blockaded with unsurmountable obstacles, I look forward from where I stand to see nothing but darkness and closed paths. But from a bird's eye view... from God's view, what might those woods look like? He can see everything - He can see ALL of the other paths that surround me on all sides, which have been invisible to me due to my tunnel vision. He can see how close or how far I am from getting out of the woods and into the pasture. He can see all of the trials, tribulations, joys and excitements that all of those other paths could bring to me. He can, in short, see the rest of my story as He would want it to be.

Following my will, which seemed to be God's will, has only narrowed my journey. True surrender to God's will can open it to all the other opportunities I have yet to see.

And yet, I do not need to "give up" in my persistance on this journey. I can continue in my desire to be a mother, and I can follow the other open paths with that desire growing and burning strongly in my heart. I can keep praying, and hoping, that someday my desires will be fulfilled - WHILE I WALK DOWN GOD'S OPEN PATHS. I believe this is the way to bring surrender and persistance together so that they no longer clash, but complement each other.

True surrender. It means being strong enough to open yourself to the unknown, and never giving up. Letting go of the narrow vision of "trying to conceive," but allowing myself to let God in and let Him write the rest of my story.

I'm not sure if I'm there yet. But I'm working on it.

Thanksgiving Break

I am just finishing a very much-needed break. I took off Thanksgiving, Friday, and the weekend from work. (Days that most people have off, anyway.) Of course, since we were hosting Thanksgiving, that wasn't much of a "break," but it was still great to be at home and spend time with DH and my family.

I started AF nice and heavy late into the early hours of Thanksgiving morning (when I was still awake finishing making homemade applesauce). Lovely reminder that I should always remember to be thankful for... my period. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. And I know there are many things in my life that I should be grateful for, and I am. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I had to celebrate yet another Thanksgiving with an empty womb and empty arms.

And what's worse is starting Advent again. The First Sunday of Advent has been, for me, the worst day of the year in years past. Because it marks the beginning of a new Church year, it marks the beginning of awaiting in darkness for the light of Christ... and it only augments the bitterness of the waiting and wanting in my life. I was able to push most of those thoughts aside today as I set up our Christmas tree and began decorating for the first time in our new house. It's just such an awfully quiet house...

I'm also very scared of what Advent holds for me and DH this year. We are beginning a very intense and very personal healing period, and while hopeful, I am anxious and fearful. Prayer Buddy, your prayers will be paramount this Season. I thank you in advance.

Today's homily was about surrendering to God's will. Father mentioned that we often show up in the pews with our "plans" in mind. But those plans never work out the way we think they will. Surrendering is about giving up our plans, being completely and totally open to whatever God has in store. As I embark on this Advent, I am going to submerge myself in prayer to help calm my anxieties and worries about what "might" happen and what "may not" happen. I'm nearing the end of trying to conceive, I can feel it. It may have even already happened. It bothers me to think about it too much. I'm not a quitter. But I'm starting to discover that surrendering is the real strength. I may have been quitting all along by doing things my way.

I'm sure more thoughts will follow on this subject. But for now, I'm going to try not to focus on how hollow and empty I feel physically. Oh, Advent. Welcome back.

With a Progesterone Level of 77.8...

you would think... well, let's not even go there. Cuz I went there. And it didn't end pretty.

My P+7 numbers this cycle were astronomical. Higher than I've ever seen them. Higher than when I had 400mgs of progesterone nightly AND three corpus luteum.

This cycle I did take progesterone supplementation (same as always) and had two corpus lutei.

Apparently two corpus lutei on CRACK because they produced progesterone of 77.8 and estradiol of 389.

There's not even one baby in there. Today is P+15. I started my day with a big fat "Not Pregnant" announcement from my First Response Early Response.

And I cried. I cried in the car on the way to work. I cried on the phone with my hubby, who called to tell me it was ok, through his own tears. I cried at work when I realized that yes, my "Follow-Up Infertility" appointment with Dr B. tomorrow will be just that. It will not miraculously change category to a "New OB" appointment. I cried again at work when I received the email from Dr B telling me my P+7 results (I had already seen them yesterday) and how amazing they were.

And I cry now as I realize what I've always known to be true.

I will never be pregnant.

Life will go on. I'll find something to do with all of my you-will-never-be-a-mother time, and I'll learn to smile again. From time to time. I will never know true and utter happiness in this life, but God-willing, I may still find everlasting joy through the pain. The immense, unsurmountable pain that literally takes my breath away.

Today, I can't go on. Tomorrow, maybe I will find some strength.

3rd Annual ADVENT PRAYER BUDDIES!!!

Advent Prayer Buddies was our first Prayer Buddy season here on the blogs, in 2009.

It's now that time of year once again!

If you are interested in taking part in Advent Prayer Buddies this year, here are the rules:

This Season, we welcome all bloggers (if you do not have a blog, you can start one now! ;) ) from all walks of life who would like to offer their prayers and receive prayers. We also ask that all bloggers who are not "active" bloggers try to post more regularly during Advent, so that your Prayer Buddy will "get to know you" better. (If your blog is private, you can still participate, and we will speak with you one-on-one about how to make that work.)

How it works:

During the Season of Advent, you will be assigned a Prayer Buddy, along with their blog address, their intention (if they've provided one) and in some cases, their mailing address. From November 27th through December 24th you will pray for this Prayer Buddy, and make any additional sacrifices and/or offerings on their behalf that you find appropriate. Think of it as the "Secret Santa" of prayer ;)

At Christmastime or during the Season of Christmas, you are welcome to send your Prayer Buddy a small gift or card (why we provide mailing addresses) and also announce your secret Prayer Buddy on your blog.
We also ask that you please email your Prayer Buddy at Christmas to let them know how you were praying for them - since Prayer Buddies has grown so much in the past 3 years, sometimes it is hard to search 80+ blogs to find your PB!

We will again outline these directions for you when you sign up, in a personal email to you.

TO SIGN UP:

Please email Joanna at thehendersonstory@gmail.com

(Do not just leave a comment here, please email!)

Sign-ups will be due by NEXT WEDNESDAY, NOV 23rd.

You will receive your Prayer Buddy assignment sometime after Thanksgiving, but before Advent begins.

Final note - The Holy Spirit has been instrumental in working through the prayers of our Prayer Buddies in the past - and when picking out the match-ups, we have always left it in His hands. You may initially not understand why you were matched up with someone whose life seems so very different than your own right now... but trust me when I say, the Holy Spirit knows why :) Trust in Him, and trust in these prayers. I have always believed that the prayers of others on our behalf are so much stronger than our own.

Email thehendersonstory@gmail.com to sign up now!!!

Indifferent

For a few months now, I have been getting these sporadic twinges (discomfort, sometimes even painful) in weird areas of my abdomen and pelvis. I've been wondering if they are adhesion-related, because I know Clear Passage found quite a few.

I contacted them to ask about local follow-up work. They had mentioned to me that they practiced a technique developed by John Barnes, called Myofascial Release, and that by going to his website I could find local practitioners of MFR. So, I did.

And I had an appointment on Friday. It started out very similar to Clear Passage therapy, and she examined my gait, posture, and the natural fall of my muscles and bones. My left side is particularly tight, which I knew.

When treatment began, she would ask me what it felt like, or if I felt it in other areas, etc. She also asked if it brought up any emotional memories. I felt like I was taking a test that I didn't know the answers to - like every area that she massaged was supposed to make me feel a certain way, but I just wasn't "getting" it.

Finally, she worked her way down to my laparotomy scar. As she pushed down into the scar, I felt a pulsing under her fingers, and she said there was a LOT of energy there. She told me to describe what the area under her hands looked and felt like. I said, "Red. Hard." She probed for more. What is it made out of? What shape is it? "Rubber. Ball. But not bouncy. Just stagnant." She wanted more. What emotion would best describe it?

The emotion that popped into my head felt like it was the "wrong" answer. So I stayed silent until something better came to mind. She waited, then started to offer me suggestions, "Is it angry? Sad? Joyful? Anxious?..."

All I could keep thinking was what I eventually said aloud.

"Indifferent."

"Why do you think it's indifferent?" she asked.

"Because it's already been all of the other emotions, multiple times, and it's tired."

Maybe it seems a little odd to some of you that I was describing the emotions of my uterus... but really, my uterus is just an extension of my whole person. What I was describing in that moment, what I was feeling in that moment, was myself.

I wound up falling asleep toward the end of my session. As she worked on my scar some more, she said I should expect to feel some natural anesthetic. Sure enough, I began to feel incredibly tired and my mouth became very dry. The "tired" was not a bodily tired, though - it was my mind mostly that craved sleep. So I gave it what it asked for.

She told me during the session that anything she found, that she would communicate to me (for example, "This left hip is stuck") was only what was going on currently, and not at all what was going to be.
I thanked her for saying that, and told her, "I am definitely the type of person that needs to hear that - that change is possible and that things are not going to stay exactly how they are now." She told me she could tell that about me.

I'm just not so sure if it's possible for that indifferent emotion to change. And if it is possible, do I want it to? I think the indifference is a protective mechanism, which came out of necessity. What will happen if it melts away?

I'm scared of what's to come. I'm scared of the unknown, of which at this time in my life, there are so many. But I've been protecting myself even from that fear, instead of allowing myself to feel it and go through it.

This is what I need to work on in the coming weeks. Acknowledging my emotions, letting them in, trusting them, and trusting God.

One step at a time.

We All Love a Happy Ending

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted.

I feel like I'm running out of things to say. There's only so many ways you can talk about infertility. I'm wondering if my readers even noticed that I hadn't posted in two weeks... because the fact certainly escaped me.

I'm beginning to realize that we all just really love a happy ending. For about two years, I had commenters telling me "I have such a good feeling about you!" and "I just know you'll be pregnant soon, I just know it!" Those comments have slowly but surely disappeared as the reality of the situation has sunk in, not just for me, but for everybody.

There's only so much you can say to someone who's been doing NaPro for 5 years (happy NaPro Anniversary to me 11-16) and has been writing about failed cycles for 3.5 years. What can you say? Especially after all the prayers have been exhausted and all the well-wishes dried up. Not only am I out of things to say... I believe so are my readers.

No, this isn't a farewell post. I'll still be here. But I am kinda starting to feel like the token barren girl in the group. I guess there has to be one that remains infertile in order for it to still be called the Catholic "Infertility" Blogs, right?

Perhaps my negative attitude has to do with this cycle. I took Femara. I took Viagra. I took Ativan, prior to intercourse as explicitly indicated on my prescription bottle ;) My lining was great. My follicles (yes, that's plural, for TWO) were great. My mucus? - what mucus? Dry, dry, dry-dry-dry. And the day of ovulation we ended up skipping.

I'm just so tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying. Tired of caring, but tired of not caring enough.

To top it off, my marriage will be going through a period of purging starting this week. I am deathly scared of the process, but cautiously optimistic of the results. The therapist is going to be working us through an INTENSE change, and I had quite an eye-opening session last week. I finally began to understand why my husband and I relate to each other the way we do. This purging has the potential to save our marriage and make it the best marriage ever. But it could also break us.

My patron Saint for this year is Eugene de Mazenod. I remember laughing when he was chosen for me at the end of the year last year, because he is a patron for dysfunctional families. Turns out - now is when I will really need his intercession the most.

Please pray for his intercession for us.