Many have said about motherhood that it is the hardest and lowest-paying job there is. I beg to differ.
Financially-speaking, there is no compensation for the hours and hours of "on-call" duty a mother must perform for the well-being of her child. Blood, sweat, and tears hardly begins to describe motherhood, with all of its demands and absolutely no time for breaks. Overwhelming becomes the new normal, as suddenly a mother's life is not her own, anymore.
And yet... it is the job title I most aspire to hold. In all of the trials of motherhood, there lies an opportunity for grace. (I especially love HE Adopted Me First's recent thoughts on this, which gave me the idea for this post.) If a mother recognizes all of the immense GOOD she can do through her daily generosities (to borrow the term from HAMF), she can get closer and closer to heaven, while leading her children there. Is there any higher payment than that?
I believe on some level, I always held this truth about motherhood. On a survey we were given in elementary school about "the future," a question asked, "If you could be anything in the world when you grow up, what would you be?" It listed, parenthetically, some choices: (teacher, astronaut, actor, fireman, etc.)
My mother, a few Christmases ago, gave me and my sisters each a box of our old school stuff, and we went through it together, laughing about our child-like view of the world. But when I read my response to that survey question, I began to cry. Not because my response was naive and child-like, but because it came directly from my heart... and while my mind and body had changed drastically since those childhood days, my heart has remained constant.
"If you could be anything in the world when you grow up, what would you be?":
A Good Mother
I've written about this once before. But today, I focus on a detail about my answer. Notice, I did not write "A Mother." The word "Good" completely transforms my response from a dream to an aspiration. I knew then that there would be work involved in motherhood. That it wouldn't be enough to just become pregnant, have offspring, and suddenly my dreams would come true. I knew there was more to it than that.
The trouble is, all of this time of childlessness has felt like an ongoing interview for that job title I most aspire to hold. I have so often felt like God was waiting for me to "prove myself" before He would give me the job, and trust me to give myself unconditionally, while working on sanctification. My resume would probably look something like this:
THIS CROSS I EMBRACE
Blogland, World Wide Web
DayCare Center for 6 weeks-2.5 yrs (1 year)
Nanny for 2 month- 14 month (1 year)
Camp Counselor for K-8 (4 years)
Student Mentor (2 years)
Teacher's Aide (1 year)
Kindergarten Teacher (1 year)
Time Spent Thinking About, Studying, and Dreaming of Motherhood (25 years)
Now I fully understand just how "high-paying" the job of motherhood, with all of its opportunities for grace can be, and my aspirations have never been stronger.
I realize now that Motherhood is not the hardest and lowest-paying job there is. It is actually the 2nd hardest and 2nd highest-paying...
2nd only to Infertility/Childlessness.
I am seeing now that this time of waiting to become a mother is not an interview. It is a job in and of itself! And I can either do this job well, or I can do it really, really poorly - just like motherhood. But God is not waiting for me to succeed at this job before promoting me to the one I truly want. He is waiting for me to succeed for my own eternal good! And much like motherhood, the way I do this job on a daily basis not only affects me, but affects others, as well.
But my compensation for doing this job well can be abundant, if I can remember that this job was entrusted to me from above. Each and every trial I encounter in this job can be transformed into a "generosity" towards my spouse and towards others, if I offer the suffering for them, and do it willingly and joyfully. If I can do that... this job can become the highest paying job ever.
And while I don't think I would have ever answered that question posed to me in a survey years ago with the response: "A Good Infertile,"
I think that God has in fact seen my resume, exactly the way I wrote it above. And I think he read it this way:
CHILD OF GOD
In the World Created by God
Loves children with all her heart
Defends life in all of her work
Wants to be a Mother, because she believes it is My Will,
but above all, she hopes to do My Will, and do it well
God read right through the words on my resume, and gave me a job I never applied for, but He knew it was a job I could benefit from right now.
I hope and pray I can do this job well... as I wait for the next one.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This is What Happens When DH's C-PAP Beeps Incessantly Through the Night, Causing Me to Lose Valuable Sleep
We are still in a financial holding-period. Turns out, I was right. DH cannot start his new job until the 45-day window in which he has the chance to appeal the probation settlement is over and done with. At this point, I am praying it is 45 actual days, not 45 business days. With luck, he can start in late November.
In the meantime, praise God, we did get a chunk of money from his business, because a new site just gave us the downpayment. We are semi-caught up with bills.
Just in time, because I received a phone call the other day from the compounding pharmacy making my Viagra. They wanted to know if I wanted to fill the entire order, because it was $8.25 per pill. Hmm... well, I guess so. That'll be like $100, right? Because I only take it from Cycle Day 1 through hCG trigger? Ummm, no. It would be $600+!!! The Dr called in 80 pills, because the instructions are 4 pills per day!!!! I did the math, and the most I would need is 54 pills, and that quote is $450. Holy cow. All I can say is this had better work the very first cycle, because DH will not be happy with me otherwise!
(I even called Freedom Ph.armacy to see if they had a better price, but theirs is over $17 per pill! Yikes!)
I can feel myself slipping into a holiday depression. Ugh. I just never, ever thought I would be seeing my 6th Thanksgiving and Christmas still not pregnant. I would feel so much more peace if we were able to adopt. Just knowing that at any moment, I could receive a call... sigh. My phone will not be ringing this holiday season.
I haven't met with my therapist for several weeks now, and oh, boy, do I feel the difference. (And in my defense, I am not choosing Viagra over therapy ;) ... I just sent out a HUGE check for all of the therapy sessions' total, and until we get back on our feet a little more, I can't do regular weekly sessions.)
Today I'm expecting a small exercise trampoline in the mail. Waaaaaay back when I was going to the HynoFertility therapist, she recommended one of these for improved blood flow and cardio. I don't have time to work out. Well, ok, I have SOME time, but rarely do I have the energy to do anything after a long work day. But a trampoline makes sense. I can jump. I think. We'll see.
Hurry up, AF. Let's get this show on the road, already. Have I mentioned I hate cysts? For the record... I do.
In the meantime, praise God, we did get a chunk of money from his business, because a new site just gave us the downpayment. We are semi-caught up with bills.
Just in time, because I received a phone call the other day from the compounding pharmacy making my Viagra. They wanted to know if I wanted to fill the entire order, because it was $8.25 per pill. Hmm... well, I guess so. That'll be like $100, right? Because I only take it from Cycle Day 1 through hCG trigger? Ummm, no. It would be $600+!!! The Dr called in 80 pills, because the instructions are 4 pills per day!!!! I did the math, and the most I would need is 54 pills, and that quote is $450. Holy cow. All I can say is this had better work the very first cycle, because DH will not be happy with me otherwise!
(I even called Freedom Ph.armacy to see if they had a better price, but theirs is over $17 per pill! Yikes!)
I can feel myself slipping into a holiday depression. Ugh. I just never, ever thought I would be seeing my 6th Thanksgiving and Christmas still not pregnant. I would feel so much more peace if we were able to adopt. Just knowing that at any moment, I could receive a call... sigh. My phone will not be ringing this holiday season.
I haven't met with my therapist for several weeks now, and oh, boy, do I feel the difference. (And in my defense, I am not choosing Viagra over therapy ;) ... I just sent out a HUGE check for all of the therapy sessions' total, and until we get back on our feet a little more, I can't do regular weekly sessions.)
Today I'm expecting a small exercise trampoline in the mail. Waaaaaay back when I was going to the HynoFertility therapist, she recommended one of these for improved blood flow and cardio. I don't have time to work out. Well, ok, I have SOME time, but rarely do I have the energy to do anything after a long work day. But a trampoline makes sense. I can jump. I think. We'll see.
Hurry up, AF. Let's get this show on the road, already. Have I mentioned I hate cysts? For the record... I do.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Who Am I?
I've been struggling with this for several days, now. And I'm not sure how final of an answer I've come up with, but I do have many thoughts about it.
(By the way, is anyone else's head humming Les Mis after reading the post title? OK, glad I'm not the only one.)
Who am I? Have I morphed into "TCIE: The Infertile" to the point where one is no longer separable from the other?
What I've concluded is that infertility has become a large part of my life, no doubt about it. But I believe that my cross has helped to shape many other aspects of my life, not take them over. Because of my amazing experiences with the Creighton Model, I decided to become a Practitioner. Because of my efforts to support as many people as possible, I started a blog. And because of my love of NaPro Technology, I went through school to become an RDMS. I have never once heard anyone refer to me as "TCIE... you know, the barren one." (Well, ok, I may have referred to myself that way!) But I have heard myself referred to as TCIE the Sonographer, TCIE the Practitioner, TCIE, Mr. TCIE's wife, etc.
See, in my opinion, it's a question of attitude. If I had settled into my new roles in life out of a perceived necessity (i.e. "Well, I guess I'll have to do this, since I can't have kids"), it would be a different story. I don't think I've done that. I had tried to use this cross to the best of my ability, to help propel me into new and exciting territories. I love my jobs. Absolutely. If I were miserable at work all day long, then I would likely be some kind of masochist, seeing as I very deliberately chose my career. That is not the case.
But. It is also important for me to remember that while attitude is a major part of what defines ME, attitude can and does change. Do I ever resent my cross? Of course!! (Any infertile who says otherwise is either a liar or a Saint.) But how much of my daily attitude towards my cross is full of resentment?
This, I believe, is where I need to be careful. And this is where I am taking JellyBelly's advice to heart.
It is so easy to get engulfed in the feelings of remorse, frustration, resentment, jealousy, bittnerness, and depression. Dare I say, it feels good to feel sorry for myself... sometimes a little too good. I have definitely fallen into that trap more than once.
Of course, many times, as hard as we try, we just cannot lift our heads above that high tide of complete and utter sadness. Infertility has often been compared to a cliff that we climb, stumbling along the way, seemingly never getting any closer to the peak. But more appropriately, I believe that it is like being underwater in the ocean. When you're deep under water, you cannot tell how far the surface is. At times, you may swim ferociously, believing yourself to be only a few feet away from breaking through and breathing in the sweet air of success. But after swimming your heart out for a while, you begin to give up, realizing you have no idea how much further you have to swim. Additionally, there are the tides to contend with, pushing against you, threatening your hope of survival.
It is so easy to give up and just let yourself drown in the waters of infertility.
But what if you could change the attitude you have about that swim? What if you started to appreciate the ocean for everything else it had to offer? If you are so focused on reaching the surface, you may ignore everything else. But opening your eyes to what's around you will allow you to discover all the gorgeous coral, the multitude of colorful fish, the intricacies of the ocean foodchain, and maybe even find other people on their way to the surface. You don't have to stop swimming upwards, but suddenly, it no longer seems like a futile race.
I've done my best to change my attitude towards this ocean. But still, every now and then, I will wallow in it, stop swimming, and begin to sink with my eyes closed. I need to practice treading, and enjoying the environment around me.
Ironically, it was just around this time last year that I wrote this post, which I closed with this paragraph:
Not until this very moment have I fully understood the implication of my own blog name. All of these years, I strove to live up to its title, and BECOME that title. But now I see that I am not defined by This Cross I Embrace. My cross was never meant to define me as a person, but rather to be picked up, carried, and embraced for the person it will help me to become.
I still feel that way. But perhaps I have wallowed a bit too much recently to allow myself to enjoy other aspects of my life. I am infertile. I cannot change that, nor can I fight that. But infertility is not me.
(By the way, is anyone else's head humming Les Mis after reading the post title? OK, glad I'm not the only one.)
Who am I? Have I morphed into "TCIE: The Infertile" to the point where one is no longer separable from the other?
What I've concluded is that infertility has become a large part of my life, no doubt about it. But I believe that my cross has helped to shape many other aspects of my life, not take them over. Because of my amazing experiences with the Creighton Model, I decided to become a Practitioner. Because of my efforts to support as many people as possible, I started a blog. And because of my love of NaPro Technology, I went through school to become an RDMS. I have never once heard anyone refer to me as "TCIE... you know, the barren one." (Well, ok, I may have referred to myself that way!) But I have heard myself referred to as TCIE the Sonographer, TCIE the Practitioner, TCIE, Mr. TCIE's wife, etc.
See, in my opinion, it's a question of attitude. If I had settled into my new roles in life out of a perceived necessity (i.e. "Well, I guess I'll have to do this, since I can't have kids"), it would be a different story. I don't think I've done that. I had tried to use this cross to the best of my ability, to help propel me into new and exciting territories. I love my jobs. Absolutely. If I were miserable at work all day long, then I would likely be some kind of masochist, seeing as I very deliberately chose my career. That is not the case.
But. It is also important for me to remember that while attitude is a major part of what defines ME, attitude can and does change. Do I ever resent my cross? Of course!! (Any infertile who says otherwise is either a liar or a Saint.) But how much of my daily attitude towards my cross is full of resentment?
This, I believe, is where I need to be careful. And this is where I am taking JellyBelly's advice to heart.
It is so easy to get engulfed in the feelings of remorse, frustration, resentment, jealousy, bittnerness, and depression. Dare I say, it feels good to feel sorry for myself... sometimes a little too good. I have definitely fallen into that trap more than once.
Of course, many times, as hard as we try, we just cannot lift our heads above that high tide of complete and utter sadness. Infertility has often been compared to a cliff that we climb, stumbling along the way, seemingly never getting any closer to the peak. But more appropriately, I believe that it is like being underwater in the ocean. When you're deep under water, you cannot tell how far the surface is. At times, you may swim ferociously, believing yourself to be only a few feet away from breaking through and breathing in the sweet air of success. But after swimming your heart out for a while, you begin to give up, realizing you have no idea how much further you have to swim. Additionally, there are the tides to contend with, pushing against you, threatening your hope of survival.
It is so easy to give up and just let yourself drown in the waters of infertility.
But what if you could change the attitude you have about that swim? What if you started to appreciate the ocean for everything else it had to offer? If you are so focused on reaching the surface, you may ignore everything else. But opening your eyes to what's around you will allow you to discover all the gorgeous coral, the multitude of colorful fish, the intricacies of the ocean foodchain, and maybe even find other people on their way to the surface. You don't have to stop swimming upwards, but suddenly, it no longer seems like a futile race.
I've done my best to change my attitude towards this ocean. But still, every now and then, I will wallow in it, stop swimming, and begin to sink with my eyes closed. I need to practice treading, and enjoying the environment around me.
Ironically, it was just around this time last year that I wrote this post, which I closed with this paragraph:
Not until this very moment have I fully understood the implication of my own blog name. All of these years, I strove to live up to its title, and BECOME that title. But now I see that I am not defined by This Cross I Embrace. My cross was never meant to define me as a person, but rather to be picked up, carried, and embraced for the person it will help me to become.
I still feel that way. But perhaps I have wallowed a bit too much recently to allow myself to enjoy other aspects of my life. I am infertile. I cannot change that, nor can I fight that. But infertility is not me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Your Help is Needed!!!!
We interrupt our usual broadcasting to bring you this very special request.
I am copying and pasting our friend Simone's recent post about Redbook. Please contact them!! It won't take long!
Redbook magazine partnered with Resolve The National Infertility Association to create the no shame campaign called "the truth about trying". The goal is to bring infertility out in the open and provide women with support. There is going to be an article about infertility in the November issue of Redbook.
There is also an online component with videos and links. I watched some of the videos and it made me cry. Here is the link to the videos I think that this could really help some women who feel isolated and alone. I was a little dissapointed with the support information. I am hoping that they will add more as this grows. They had some links to women's blogs.
I then checked out the link to infertility treatments and I was not happy. The only treatments listed were clomid, iui, IVF, and egg freezing. So I am going to launch my own campaign here today and I hope you will join me.Here is a link to the a page about treatments.
I would like to send Redbook magazine a message from those of us who choose not to do IVF. I would like them to know that it is not the only option. If they really want to explore the "truth about trying" then I am hoping that they will include us.
I am going to send them an email explaining that there are more treatments available. I am going to ask them to do an article in their magazine about napro and other methods such as immune issues. Can you please help me? Would you also send them a request? If you want, you can also include your blog for their blog page. I found the contact information for the editor. Maybe they will ignore us, but maybe if enough of us send a message, they will do a follow up article next month. If you send something in, please let me know. You can leave a comment or send me an email.
THANK YOU!
-Simone
Redbook
Editorial Offices
300 West 57th St.
22nd Floor
New York, NY 10019
redbook@hearst.com
Thank you!
I am copying and pasting our friend Simone's recent post about Redbook. Please contact them!! It won't take long!
Redbook magazine partnered with Resolve The National Infertility Association to create the no shame campaign called "the truth about trying". The goal is to bring infertility out in the open and provide women with support. There is going to be an article about infertility in the November issue of Redbook.
There is also an online component with videos and links. I watched some of the videos and it made me cry. Here is the link to the videos I think that this could really help some women who feel isolated and alone. I was a little dissapointed with the support information. I am hoping that they will add more as this grows. They had some links to women's blogs.
I then checked out the link to infertility treatments and I was not happy. The only treatments listed were clomid, iui, IVF, and egg freezing. So I am going to launch my own campaign here today and I hope you will join me.Here is a link to the a page about treatments.
I would like to send Redbook magazine a message from those of us who choose not to do IVF. I would like them to know that it is not the only option. If they really want to explore the "truth about trying" then I am hoping that they will include us.
I am going to send them an email explaining that there are more treatments available. I am going to ask them to do an article in their magazine about napro and other methods such as immune issues. Can you please help me? Would you also send them a request? If you want, you can also include your blog for their blog page. I found the contact information for the editor. Maybe they will ignore us, but maybe if enough of us send a message, they will do a follow up article next month. If you send something in, please let me know. You can leave a comment or send me an email.
THANK YOU!
-Simone
Redbook
Editorial Offices
300 West 57th St.
22nd Floor
New York, NY 10019
redbook@hearst.com
Thank you!
Monday, October 17, 2011
LUF
For the first time ever (well, at least that I know of, and let's face it, I have pretty much constant-access to ultrasound), I formed a LUF.
Totally stinks. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were convinced that the "bad" cycles were the best cycles. Not for me.
When I saw the LUF yesterday, I slipped into depression-mode. I am just having a really hard time watching myself go backwards. I am eating SO HEALTHY, and feel really great on my supplements and diet... so why is it not being reflected in my cycles?? I really don't get it.
JellyBelly was here at just the right time. She told me something last night that really slapped me in the face with reality. She said I have to stop dwelling in "TCIE: The Infertile," and concentrate on being just TCIE.
So true. But I honestly don't remember who TCIE is, without infertility. I've built my life around this cross... and while, at the time I was doing it, I knew God wanted me to use it for the greater good... now I find it very difficult to separate myself from the cross and just be ME.
I need to reflect on this a bit more. Stay tuned...
Totally stinks. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were convinced that the "bad" cycles were the best cycles. Not for me.
When I saw the LUF yesterday, I slipped into depression-mode. I am just having a really hard time watching myself go backwards. I am eating SO HEALTHY, and feel really great on my supplements and diet... so why is it not being reflected in my cycles?? I really don't get it.
JellyBelly was here at just the right time. She told me something last night that really slapped me in the face with reality. She said I have to stop dwelling in "TCIE: The Infertile," and concentrate on being just TCIE.
So true. But I honestly don't remember who TCIE is, without infertility. I've built my life around this cross... and while, at the time I was doing it, I knew God wanted me to use it for the greater good... now I find it very difficult to separate myself from the cross and just be ME.
I need to reflect on this a bit more. Stay tuned...
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Big, Fat Dud of a Follicle
While on my first Clomid cycle since the pre-Ovarian Wedge Resection Days (December 2007, to be exact), I was supposed to get an ultrasound to check the follicle/s around Day 12. Day 12 was Friday. So, on Thursday, I decided to take a sneak peek myself, just to be sure the Dr didn't miss anything the next day. And there I was greeted by a crummy, thin lining (even for Day 11), and a Ginormous follicle, about 2.5cm. My follicles are not known for growing that large that quickly, and I know this was the Clomid :( Also, my endometrial lining has never been that thin, it is usually just perfect. I was so bummed, but I knew that I could still rupture normally.
The next day, CD 12, I had the Dr do the ultrasound, and first thing we saw was the thin, ugly lining. Then, the larger-than-life "follicle" on the left ovary, with no other follicles anywhere around. Not that I blame them, what with Big Mama taking over the whole damned show. The "follicle" was measuring about 3.0cm, and the reason I put follicle in quotations is because I really NEVER see a follicle get that big and still rupture normally. By the time they get to be 3.0cm, they are usually classified as a LUF (luteinized unruptured follicle.) But here's the thing: The cyst was completely void of internal echoes, there was no internal hemorrhage or septations or striations - (all signs that the follicle is luteinized and unruptured). But mine was still pretty simple in appearance. AND my lining was still proliferative, and my cervix still had a bit of mucus. So, the Dr said if I wanted, I could take a trigger shot of hCG. I really had a hard time going back and forth about this one... once I got dressed, I went into the Dr's office and went over some options.
While I was still making up my mind about "To Trigger or Not To Trigger," I asked the Dr what he thought about the thin endometrium and how to avoid it in the future. He admitted that it may have been the Clomid that contributed to it, but that in future cycles (if I want - he made it very clear that he didn't want to make me feel pressured to do or try anything) we may want to consider going back to Femara. He said we could try a higher dose early in the cycle to aim for 2 to 3 follicles each treatment cycle, and he said that of course there is always the risk of multiple gestations with that... he didn't even finish the sentence when I cut him off to say, "Oh, that is JUUUUUUUST fine by me." :)
He gave me a study published about the use of Viagra, Vit E, and L-Arginine for the bloodflow to the endometrium in women who have had thin endometriums, and said this was also something we could consider for upcoming cycles. (For now, I am doing the Vit E, but the Viagra and L-Arginine are only taken up through ovulation.)
Finally, he asked me about DHEA and when I said that I was taking a small daily dose because my last labs showed very high stress levels, he asked about my overall stress. Uhhhhh... yeah. I have it. He shared with me a story of one of the NaPro patients who was extremely wound up, her NaPro Dr gave her Valium, and she conceived in that cycle. Haha, gives a whole new meaning to the old "Relax, and it will just happen!" addage ;) I told him that DH would probably appreciate if I had something like that around the fertile window, when I routinely put a ton of pressure on myself and on him. So, he prescribed a small dose of Ativan. The funniest part is the instructions on the label:
Yes. The instructions say: "Take one tablet prior to intercourse." I can ONLY imagine what the pharmacists must be thinking of me. And of my husband.
By the end of the appointment, I was still on the fence about this cycle - whether or not to take that trigger. What are the chances that a 3.0cm follicle would still rupture?? Plus, as JellyBelly sat in the office adjacent to the Dr's - I explained briefly to the Dr that my hesitation in taking the trigger was because a long time ago, I made a "pact" with St Gianna, and asked her to allow all of my friends to become mothers first... and that JellyBelly was the last remaining friend. She can't try again until December. So why should I bother? The Dr said it was a very selfless request I made in my prayer, but that ultimately, God decides how to answer the prayers and when.
So... I got the trigger.
I'm still not too hopeful for this cycle, because the Big Mama Follicle just didn't look normal, to say the least, and my lining is still pretty crummy. But at least I may still have a "chance" for pregnancy. I will check again Sunday evening to see if it ruptured or not. St Gerard will have to pull out a real big miracle for this one.
Speaking of St Gerard, JellyBelly and I went to the Mass for Women Praying to Conceive on Wednesday evening. It was PACKED. It was all at once beautiful and so sad. The priest read a testimony of a couple who had suffered several miscarriages and through persevering prayer to St Gerard, they were finally able to (with the help of their Dr and "more aggressive treatments") sustain a pregnancy. These types of testimony stories are always wonderful to hear, but for a barren woman who has never once had life inside of her, it is hard for me to translate directly into hope for myself. At first I thought I was being overly sensitive, but JellyBelly agreed with me. What did give me hope was the priest's thoughts after reading us that testimony. He reminded us that we should never give up on our prayers, and that if our prayers don't seem to be answered in the time we want or in the way we want, it's because God is working on something better than we asked for. It reminded me that just because I've prayed 48 Novenas to St Gerard, I shouldn't throw those prayers by the wayside. I need to keep on praying. I need to keep talking to my friends the Saints and to God. I need to let them know I am still here, ready to do God's will, but still in need of support as I suffer.
Poor JellyBelly also had some suboptimal results this week during her ultrasound series, so please pray for her. I am still SO hopeful for her surgery, though.
Someone remind me why I wanted to try Clomid, again?? Blech. Never again.
TCIE on Viagra and Ativan next month should be... very interesting... Lucky Mr. TCIE.
The next day, CD 12, I had the Dr do the ultrasound, and first thing we saw was the thin, ugly lining. Then, the larger-than-life "follicle" on the left ovary, with no other follicles anywhere around. Not that I blame them, what with Big Mama taking over the whole damned show. The "follicle" was measuring about 3.0cm, and the reason I put follicle in quotations is because I really NEVER see a follicle get that big and still rupture normally. By the time they get to be 3.0cm, they are usually classified as a LUF (luteinized unruptured follicle.) But here's the thing: The cyst was completely void of internal echoes, there was no internal hemorrhage or septations or striations - (all signs that the follicle is luteinized and unruptured). But mine was still pretty simple in appearance. AND my lining was still proliferative, and my cervix still had a bit of mucus. So, the Dr said if I wanted, I could take a trigger shot of hCG. I really had a hard time going back and forth about this one... once I got dressed, I went into the Dr's office and went over some options.
While I was still making up my mind about "To Trigger or Not To Trigger," I asked the Dr what he thought about the thin endometrium and how to avoid it in the future. He admitted that it may have been the Clomid that contributed to it, but that in future cycles (if I want - he made it very clear that he didn't want to make me feel pressured to do or try anything) we may want to consider going back to Femara. He said we could try a higher dose early in the cycle to aim for 2 to 3 follicles each treatment cycle, and he said that of course there is always the risk of multiple gestations with that... he didn't even finish the sentence when I cut him off to say, "Oh, that is JUUUUUUUST fine by me." :)
He gave me a study published about the use of Viagra, Vit E, and L-Arginine for the bloodflow to the endometrium in women who have had thin endometriums, and said this was also something we could consider for upcoming cycles. (For now, I am doing the Vit E, but the Viagra and L-Arginine are only taken up through ovulation.)
Finally, he asked me about DHEA and when I said that I was taking a small daily dose because my last labs showed very high stress levels, he asked about my overall stress. Uhhhhh... yeah. I have it. He shared with me a story of one of the NaPro patients who was extremely wound up, her NaPro Dr gave her Valium, and she conceived in that cycle. Haha, gives a whole new meaning to the old "Relax, and it will just happen!" addage ;) I told him that DH would probably appreciate if I had something like that around the fertile window, when I routinely put a ton of pressure on myself and on him. So, he prescribed a small dose of Ativan. The funniest part is the instructions on the label:
Yes. The instructions say: "Take one tablet prior to intercourse." I can ONLY imagine what the pharmacists must be thinking of me. And of my husband.
By the end of the appointment, I was still on the fence about this cycle - whether or not to take that trigger. What are the chances that a 3.0cm follicle would still rupture?? Plus, as JellyBelly sat in the office adjacent to the Dr's - I explained briefly to the Dr that my hesitation in taking the trigger was because a long time ago, I made a "pact" with St Gianna, and asked her to allow all of my friends to become mothers first... and that JellyBelly was the last remaining friend. She can't try again until December. So why should I bother? The Dr said it was a very selfless request I made in my prayer, but that ultimately, God decides how to answer the prayers and when.
So... I got the trigger.
I'm still not too hopeful for this cycle, because the Big Mama Follicle just didn't look normal, to say the least, and my lining is still pretty crummy. But at least I may still have a "chance" for pregnancy. I will check again Sunday evening to see if it ruptured or not. St Gerard will have to pull out a real big miracle for this one.
Speaking of St Gerard, JellyBelly and I went to the Mass for Women Praying to Conceive on Wednesday evening. It was PACKED. It was all at once beautiful and so sad. The priest read a testimony of a couple who had suffered several miscarriages and through persevering prayer to St Gerard, they were finally able to (with the help of their Dr and "more aggressive treatments") sustain a pregnancy. These types of testimony stories are always wonderful to hear, but for a barren woman who has never once had life inside of her, it is hard for me to translate directly into hope for myself. At first I thought I was being overly sensitive, but JellyBelly agreed with me. What did give me hope was the priest's thoughts after reading us that testimony. He reminded us that we should never give up on our prayers, and that if our prayers don't seem to be answered in the time we want or in the way we want, it's because God is working on something better than we asked for. It reminded me that just because I've prayed 48 Novenas to St Gerard, I shouldn't throw those prayers by the wayside. I need to keep on praying. I need to keep talking to my friends the Saints and to God. I need to let them know I am still here, ready to do God's will, but still in need of support as I suffer.
Poor JellyBelly also had some suboptimal results this week during her ultrasound series, so please pray for her. I am still SO hopeful for her surgery, though.
Someone remind me why I wanted to try Clomid, again?? Blech. Never again.
TCIE on Viagra and Ativan next month should be... very interesting... Lucky Mr. TCIE.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Crazies
I'm still not charting. And yet, I made the hasty decision last week on cycle day 3 that, hey, ya know what I haven't taken in a while???... CLOMID! And so, I called up one of my many NaPro Drs (boss #2) and asked if he'd prescribe it. He knows my history, knows I tend to stimulate well (as many PCOSers do) and wanted me to start with a low dose of 25mgs for 3 days.
I haven't taken anything since my 30th birthday cycle (Femara), and so I know I'll react well, but 25mgs seemed a little low to me... so since the pills came in 50mgs, I decided to just take the 50mgs for 3 days.
(Don't try this at home.)
I realize if I overstimulate, with such a small dose the risk really is only 2-3 follicles. I can handle that. I've had 3 follicles before (at least twice), and I do understand the risk of a multiple gestation. But really... what are the odds of someone who has never been able to catch ONE egg suddenly catching all 3?
I'll have a sonogram on Friday to see what size everything is and how many there are. I predict two.
I am SO excited about JellyBelly coming tonight! Granted, my house is an absolute disaster area, since my sister just moved to a smaller apartment and was trying to get rid of a lot of her furniture and stuff that won't fit in her new apartment. So, yes, there is an exercise bike in our kitchen and some medieval-type decorations in our sunroom. What? Like you don't have that same set-up? I did manage to clean the bathroom at the very least, so yay, me. At least I can give JB the illusion that I am a model homemaker and wife ;) (Oh, who am I kidding, she knows better!)
Not charting has been just about the best thing for me. I don't know why I was so hesitant to do it before. If I do notice anything funky, I can always jot it down retrospectively, since my cycles are so regular now (THANK YOU, OVARIAN WEDGE RESECTION!) But from what I've been able to see, I am still having TEBB, but it's not as bad as it used to be, and my mucus is somewhat limited (I don't take any mucus enhancers, though).
It'll be interesting to see this cycle's post-Peak hormones at P+7. I tend to get VERY high estradiol in the post-Peak when on Clomid. So high, in fact, that my first P+7 on Clomid had my Dr urging me to go get a bloodtest for pregnancy because she didn't believe my home pregnancy test was negative. I think my ovaries are just Choleric. They just need a little motivational spark and they go above and beyond expectations :)
Last Friday was an intensely emotional day for me and DH. It was his last court appearance, and the day of settlement. Unbenownst to DH, 3 firemen showed up to make their public statements (during which time they lied and said that the money taken out was meant to finish the fire hall... umm, that's funny, because DH single-handedly finished the fire hall years ago FOR COST with no profit!!) - it was the final humiliation.
I couldn't explain it at the time, but the entire day was extremely difficult for me. I would cry at the drop of a hat, and not a little tear here and there, I mean a full-blown crazy-cry. I think it was just the fact that for the past two years, this stress has been building and building and our lives have been on hold... it was as if we were holding our breath for two years, and now we were able to breathe again... but both of us were so hesitant to let that breath finally go. Very much a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of situation.
But the good news is that the probation period (two years, starting now) will be held out in our current County where we live, AND DH checked to see if he could use any of his Knights of Columbus hours to satisfy the community service hours - he can!! We were very happy to hear this, because we assumed they wouldn't allow him to use that.
Today, a letter should be going from the court/probation office to DH's job, and PLEASE PRAY that this week, he will finally get the word that he can begin his job.
In the meantime, while we've been scraping the bottom of the barrel, it turns out God knew what He was doing. Our loan modification is going well, and in fact, our underwriter called me the other day to tell me that we had to prove a little bit MORE income in order to get the bank to agree to the modification. This won't be a problem, since DH is doing odd jobs for our neighbor at $15/hr. We had been using this cash for groceries and gas, but now we will deposit it first, to prove income. I had to laugh when I got off the phone with her: Imagine... we were TOO poor to get a loan modification! Haha, we OVERqualify for government aid ;)
Had DH started his job back on August 15th as originally planned, we may not have qualified at all for the modification. Which reminds me yet again... why do I ever doubt God??
Aside from the Clomid, not much else going on in the infertility scope. I'm still in a pretty good place, hopeful, but peaceful.
We may technically be able to look into foster care again now that settlement has happened. But my heart is telling me to wait. Things are so busy lately at the NaPro offices, and I know my presence is so important to the NaPro mission right now. Maybe in the New Year we'll re-evaluate our thoughts on foster care.
OK, I am off! Wish my follicles luck! ;)
I haven't taken anything since my 30th birthday cycle (Femara), and so I know I'll react well, but 25mgs seemed a little low to me... so since the pills came in 50mgs, I decided to just take the 50mgs for 3 days.
(Don't try this at home.)
I realize if I overstimulate, with such a small dose the risk really is only 2-3 follicles. I can handle that. I've had 3 follicles before (at least twice), and I do understand the risk of a multiple gestation. But really... what are the odds of someone who has never been able to catch ONE egg suddenly catching all 3?
I'll have a sonogram on Friday to see what size everything is and how many there are. I predict two.
I am SO excited about JellyBelly coming tonight! Granted, my house is an absolute disaster area, since my sister just moved to a smaller apartment and was trying to get rid of a lot of her furniture and stuff that won't fit in her new apartment. So, yes, there is an exercise bike in our kitchen and some medieval-type decorations in our sunroom. What? Like you don't have that same set-up? I did manage to clean the bathroom at the very least, so yay, me. At least I can give JB the illusion that I am a model homemaker and wife ;) (Oh, who am I kidding, she knows better!)
Not charting has been just about the best thing for me. I don't know why I was so hesitant to do it before. If I do notice anything funky, I can always jot it down retrospectively, since my cycles are so regular now (THANK YOU, OVARIAN WEDGE RESECTION!) But from what I've been able to see, I am still having TEBB, but it's not as bad as it used to be, and my mucus is somewhat limited (I don't take any mucus enhancers, though).
It'll be interesting to see this cycle's post-Peak hormones at P+7. I tend to get VERY high estradiol in the post-Peak when on Clomid. So high, in fact, that my first P+7 on Clomid had my Dr urging me to go get a bloodtest for pregnancy because she didn't believe my home pregnancy test was negative. I think my ovaries are just Choleric. They just need a little motivational spark and they go above and beyond expectations :)
Last Friday was an intensely emotional day for me and DH. It was his last court appearance, and the day of settlement. Unbenownst to DH, 3 firemen showed up to make their public statements (during which time they lied and said that the money taken out was meant to finish the fire hall... umm, that's funny, because DH single-handedly finished the fire hall years ago FOR COST with no profit!!) - it was the final humiliation.
I couldn't explain it at the time, but the entire day was extremely difficult for me. I would cry at the drop of a hat, and not a little tear here and there, I mean a full-blown crazy-cry. I think it was just the fact that for the past two years, this stress has been building and building and our lives have been on hold... it was as if we were holding our breath for two years, and now we were able to breathe again... but both of us were so hesitant to let that breath finally go. Very much a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of situation.
But the good news is that the probation period (two years, starting now) will be held out in our current County where we live, AND DH checked to see if he could use any of his Knights of Columbus hours to satisfy the community service hours - he can!! We were very happy to hear this, because we assumed they wouldn't allow him to use that.
Today, a letter should be going from the court/probation office to DH's job, and PLEASE PRAY that this week, he will finally get the word that he can begin his job.
In the meantime, while we've been scraping the bottom of the barrel, it turns out God knew what He was doing. Our loan modification is going well, and in fact, our underwriter called me the other day to tell me that we had to prove a little bit MORE income in order to get the bank to agree to the modification. This won't be a problem, since DH is doing odd jobs for our neighbor at $15/hr. We had been using this cash for groceries and gas, but now we will deposit it first, to prove income. I had to laugh when I got off the phone with her: Imagine... we were TOO poor to get a loan modification! Haha, we OVERqualify for government aid ;)
Had DH started his job back on August 15th as originally planned, we may not have qualified at all for the modification. Which reminds me yet again... why do I ever doubt God??
Aside from the Clomid, not much else going on in the infertility scope. I'm still in a pretty good place, hopeful, but peaceful.
We may technically be able to look into foster care again now that settlement has happened. But my heart is telling me to wait. Things are so busy lately at the NaPro offices, and I know my presence is so important to the NaPro mission right now. Maybe in the New Year we'll re-evaluate our thoughts on foster care.
OK, I am off! Wish my follicles luck! ;)
Monday, October 3, 2011
HATE, and the Paradox at Life Chain Sunday
Yesterday, I participated in Life Chain Sunday. This is a silent hour of prayer near a high-traffic road, where Pro-Lifers hold signs and stand in quiet meditation.
I've been a part of the Life Chain for several years, but this was the first time up near my new house, with my new parish. There were fewer people, and it was a more rural area where we stood. We did receive many "approval" beeps and waves.
But we also became victims of hate. As a steady flow of cars traveled across the road from us, one of them slowed down almost to a complete stop, leaned on her horn, rolled down her window, and gave us the finger as she continued driving by slowly - a look of pure hatred on her face.
All I could think was how incredibly paradoxical this was. I held my "Adoption: The Loving Option" sign tight against my chest, and high under my chin, as I fought back tears. Here I was, at any moment about to start my period, yearning for life to bless my womb, and knowing another cycle had passed, completely barren.
This woman's knee-jerk reaction to our silent witness was obviously not about us. Our signs that read, "Life: The Unalienable Right" and "Abortion Hurts Women," and "Pray for an End to Abortion," while controversial (because anything involving abortion is controversial), were hardly offensive. Our group of elderly women, middle-aged couples, myself, teenage girls, and children ages 5-11, were hardly threatening. This woman was reacting to something much bigger than us. All I could do was immediately turn my hurt and anguish into prayers for her.
I realize there are people on the "fringe" of both sides. Abortion mill bombers, for example, are hardly speaking for the true Pro-Life community. But this case was not, in my opinion, a "fringe" pro-choicer. I believe she, in her minivan, represents the way most Pro-Choicers tend to react to us. Disdain, disgust, and yes, even hatred. And I can put myself in their shoes and see why they would feel that way. They believe our cause is based in a lie (of when life begins), and it is putting women in danger.
But I wonder, if I can put myself in their shoes so easily, why can they not see things from our perspective? Even without agreeing with us, can they not see why we feel so passionately about our cause? As misguided as they believe us to be, could they honestly not understand why we feel it is our duty to stand outside in 48 degree weather and silently pray for an end to abortion?
If I had seen a group of Pro-Choicers holding signs, even if their signs said things I thought to be ludicrous, like, "Pregnancy Hurts Women," or "Abortion: The Only Option," I just cannot fathom leaning on my horn and flipping them off. Especially with young children amongst them!
And so, I did something I used to do years ago. I offered my failed cycle (Cycle #65, or somewhere in that ballpark) for life. I asked God to take the soul who was not embodied in my womb, and to place it instead into a woman who would choose LIFE for her child. I offered my infertility for an end to abortion, and an end to hate.
I ask those of you suffering with this cross at this time to do the same.
I've been a part of the Life Chain for several years, but this was the first time up near my new house, with my new parish. There were fewer people, and it was a more rural area where we stood. We did receive many "approval" beeps and waves.
But we also became victims of hate. As a steady flow of cars traveled across the road from us, one of them slowed down almost to a complete stop, leaned on her horn, rolled down her window, and gave us the finger as she continued driving by slowly - a look of pure hatred on her face.
All I could think was how incredibly paradoxical this was. I held my "Adoption: The Loving Option" sign tight against my chest, and high under my chin, as I fought back tears. Here I was, at any moment about to start my period, yearning for life to bless my womb, and knowing another cycle had passed, completely barren.
This woman's knee-jerk reaction to our silent witness was obviously not about us. Our signs that read, "Life: The Unalienable Right" and "Abortion Hurts Women," and "Pray for an End to Abortion," while controversial (because anything involving abortion is controversial), were hardly offensive. Our group of elderly women, middle-aged couples, myself, teenage girls, and children ages 5-11, were hardly threatening. This woman was reacting to something much bigger than us. All I could do was immediately turn my hurt and anguish into prayers for her.
I realize there are people on the "fringe" of both sides. Abortion mill bombers, for example, are hardly speaking for the true Pro-Life community. But this case was not, in my opinion, a "fringe" pro-choicer. I believe she, in her minivan, represents the way most Pro-Choicers tend to react to us. Disdain, disgust, and yes, even hatred. And I can put myself in their shoes and see why they would feel that way. They believe our cause is based in a lie (of when life begins), and it is putting women in danger.
But I wonder, if I can put myself in their shoes so easily, why can they not see things from our perspective? Even without agreeing with us, can they not see why we feel so passionately about our cause? As misguided as they believe us to be, could they honestly not understand why we feel it is our duty to stand outside in 48 degree weather and silently pray for an end to abortion?
If I had seen a group of Pro-Choicers holding signs, even if their signs said things I thought to be ludicrous, like, "Pregnancy Hurts Women," or "Abortion: The Only Option," I just cannot fathom leaning on my horn and flipping them off. Especially with young children amongst them!
And so, I did something I used to do years ago. I offered my failed cycle (Cycle #65, or somewhere in that ballpark) for life. I asked God to take the soul who was not embodied in my womb, and to place it instead into a woman who would choose LIFE for her child. I offered my infertility for an end to abortion, and an end to hate.
I ask those of you suffering with this cross at this time to do the same.
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