My Prayer Buddy for the past couple of months was R from
http://instructioninlove.blogspot.com
First, I was so pleased to see that she had such a connection to one of my favorite Saints (Gianna). But I was also drawn to what I feel is a common struggle for infertile women and single women - that desire to serve to the fullest of the vocation to which they feel called, and not being (yet) able to.
R, please know that I offered many prayers on your behalf at Masses and during Novenas, not just for your specified intentions, but also some that I threw in for good measure ;)
God Bless!
And to whomever has been praying for me -
THANK YOU! I have truly felt the power of your prayers and it has brought me so much closer to God.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Why Do I Do It?
I got a brand new response on my home pregnancy test this morning. One that likely no one has ever received. It was... blank. No control line. No test line. Just a blank test, as if I hadn't even peed on it. And, before you speculate that maybe the test had expired, I checked that first and it doesn't expire until Feb. 2012.
And so, clearly, pregnancy tests everywhere have convened and collectively decided to boycott ME. I envision them all in the warehouse at night, whispering to each other, "So, if TCIE picks you up off the shelf, what are you to do?... THAAAAAAT'S right! Don't even waste your time showing her the control line. That woman is delusional, I mean, how many times do we have to tell her she's NOT PREGNANT?!! There's only so many ways we can say it! Yes, yes, I assure you, this is the kind thing to do. She is in a category of her own. She'll get the picture."
(Just an FYI, about 15 minutes later, I did see the faintest of control lines, so don't go getting your hopes up that the test was faulty.)
Why do I even bother testing any more? I bet you thought that was going to be a rhetorical question... but it's not.
I test because I remain hopeful. I test because if I were to be pregnant, I want to know as soon as possible, and enjoy EVERY. LAST. SECOND. of that pregnancy, no matter if it lasts 9 seconds or 9 months. I test because WHEN it's negative, it allows me to practice my new outlook on suffering (you'd think I'd be a pro by now, but I have a long way to go).
I test to show God I have not given up on Him, and that I am not going to presume I know better than Him. I'll admit it: I used to test with the expectation that it would be negative so that I could "move on," and say to God, "I told you so - I knew you wouldn't give me a child." It was an ugly thing indeed.
Now, I expect the unexpected. I prepare for the desires of my heart to be fulfilled. And if the test is negative, I turn it to positive.
Well... at least... I try :) I'll admit - I don't feel so hot this morning. The negative test wasn't a slap in the face (the huge ZIT on the face was fun to wake up to, though), but it is a warning of things to come. More PMS. Heavy, clotty period. Right around the corner.
God, give me the strength to bear it with grace.
And so, clearly, pregnancy tests everywhere have convened and collectively decided to boycott ME. I envision them all in the warehouse at night, whispering to each other, "So, if TCIE picks you up off the shelf, what are you to do?... THAAAAAAT'S right! Don't even waste your time showing her the control line. That woman is delusional, I mean, how many times do we have to tell her she's NOT PREGNANT?!! There's only so many ways we can say it! Yes, yes, I assure you, this is the kind thing to do. She is in a category of her own. She'll get the picture."
(Just an FYI, about 15 minutes later, I did see the faintest of control lines, so don't go getting your hopes up that the test was faulty.)
Why do I even bother testing any more? I bet you thought that was going to be a rhetorical question... but it's not.
I test because I remain hopeful. I test because if I were to be pregnant, I want to know as soon as possible, and enjoy EVERY. LAST. SECOND. of that pregnancy, no matter if it lasts 9 seconds or 9 months. I test because WHEN it's negative, it allows me to practice my new outlook on suffering (you'd think I'd be a pro by now, but I have a long way to go).
I test to show God I have not given up on Him, and that I am not going to presume I know better than Him. I'll admit it: I used to test with the expectation that it would be negative so that I could "move on," and say to God, "I told you so - I knew you wouldn't give me a child." It was an ugly thing indeed.
Now, I expect the unexpected. I prepare for the desires of my heart to be fulfilled. And if the test is negative, I turn it to positive.
Well... at least... I try :) I'll admit - I don't feel so hot this morning. The negative test wasn't a slap in the face (the huge ZIT on the face was fun to wake up to, though), but it is a warning of things to come. More PMS. Heavy, clotty period. Right around the corner.
God, give me the strength to bear it with grace.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
My Maternal Heart
I am really enjoying reading about all of you! Please continue sharing on my previous post if you haven't done so already!
I am halfway through my Novena to St Therese in the "Joy In Suffering" booklet. (I found it online for $3.50.) If there were any doubts as to why I'm not a Saint before... well, let's just say now there are NONE.
Reading this booklet is completely humbling. On Sunday, I read the reflections for that day right before Mass, and it stressed how St Therese felt that her suffering should be full of gratitude, peace, and joy, solely because that way Jesus could dwell in her in peace and joy. If her suffering took on a more torrid environment, a more chaotic appearance, then Jesus could not "rest" in her the way He should be able to. I had honestly never thought of it this way before. She said that we should be here to comfort Jesus, not the other way around. Wow.
So, I prepared myself for Holy Communion with these thoughts. Yes, my heart ached as I watched the young families around me, and knew I was just gearing up for my PMS week... but I let that aching translate into praise for God, and allowed myself to succumb to the peace deep within that ache.
When I got back to my pew, I knelt down, and seemingly out of nowhere, I envisioned not welcoming the Christ Man into my peaceful heart, but nurturing the Baby Jesus in my peaceful, maternal heart. I tell you - it took my breath away. It was perhaps the most powerful experience I've ever had at Mass. I felt completely at peace with the idea that I CAN BE A MOTHER WHENEVER I CHOOSE!! I can be that nurturing, peaceful, maternal heart for Baby Jesus every single time I receive the Eucharist!
Why did this never occur to me before??
It was surreal.
I know that if I never become a physical mother on this Earth, I'll suffer greatly, but it will be a suffering I can handle. Hopefully, I can handle it well. But I have discovered that no matter what happens, I am a mother. I need to continue honing my motherly skills, to strive to be the very best spiritual mother I can be, not just for the Child Jesus in the Eucharist, but for the Child Jesus in every child I encounter throughout my day.
This time is not just about waiting, and striving for life after death. It is about embracing the little pieces of heaven that we can achieve through our crosses while we're here.
And I can't wait to find the next piece.
I am halfway through my Novena to St Therese in the "Joy In Suffering" booklet. (I found it online for $3.50.) If there were any doubts as to why I'm not a Saint before... well, let's just say now there are NONE.
Reading this booklet is completely humbling. On Sunday, I read the reflections for that day right before Mass, and it stressed how St Therese felt that her suffering should be full of gratitude, peace, and joy, solely because that way Jesus could dwell in her in peace and joy. If her suffering took on a more torrid environment, a more chaotic appearance, then Jesus could not "rest" in her the way He should be able to. I had honestly never thought of it this way before. She said that we should be here to comfort Jesus, not the other way around. Wow.
So, I prepared myself for Holy Communion with these thoughts. Yes, my heart ached as I watched the young families around me, and knew I was just gearing up for my PMS week... but I let that aching translate into praise for God, and allowed myself to succumb to the peace deep within that ache.
When I got back to my pew, I knelt down, and seemingly out of nowhere, I envisioned not welcoming the Christ Man into my peaceful heart, but nurturing the Baby Jesus in my peaceful, maternal heart. I tell you - it took my breath away. It was perhaps the most powerful experience I've ever had at Mass. I felt completely at peace with the idea that I CAN BE A MOTHER WHENEVER I CHOOSE!! I can be that nurturing, peaceful, maternal heart for Baby Jesus every single time I receive the Eucharist!
Why did this never occur to me before??
It was surreal.
I know that if I never become a physical mother on this Earth, I'll suffer greatly, but it will be a suffering I can handle. Hopefully, I can handle it well. But I have discovered that no matter what happens, I am a mother. I need to continue honing my motherly skills, to strive to be the very best spiritual mother I can be, not just for the Child Jesus in the Eucharist, but for the Child Jesus in every child I encounter throughout my day.
This time is not just about waiting, and striving for life after death. It is about embracing the little pieces of heaven that we can achieve through our crosses while we're here.
And I can't wait to find the next piece.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Getting to Know You :)
I was thinking of doing this for a while now - I'd really love to know all of you who are reading my blog. Moreso than just the usual commenters, most of whom I know well.
I've turned comments on for everyone, for this post. If you feel comfortable doing so, lurkers included, please tell me a bit about yourselves! Are you suffering a cross of infertility or miscarriage? Do you know someone who is? Did you just happen to stumble upon this blog but have no personal connection to infertility whatsoever? Are you Catholic? Christian? Do you know me in real life? Do you just like the pretty flowers on top of the blog? ;)
You don't have to use your real name - but I'd love to hear from you all the same, and that way, keep you in my prayers :)
I've turned comments on for everyone, for this post. If you feel comfortable doing so, lurkers included, please tell me a bit about yourselves! Are you suffering a cross of infertility or miscarriage? Do you know someone who is? Did you just happen to stumble upon this blog but have no personal connection to infertility whatsoever? Are you Catholic? Christian? Do you know me in real life? Do you just like the pretty flowers on top of the blog? ;)
You don't have to use your real name - but I'd love to hear from you all the same, and that way, keep you in my prayers :)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Signs
I know, I know... I promised pictures of the house progress this week, but the thing is, a) I have not taken any current pictures yet, and b) I don't have a scanner. I'd rather show you professional shots taken by my sister rather than on my dinky phone and emailed to myself, then uploaded. So... you'll just have to wait ;)
But getting back to the whole point of this blog: the cross of infertility and childlessness. To that end, there have been some pretty big signs as of late, that I thought I'd share with you.
First of all, I have been feeling so much better recently, about everything. The stress in my life seems to be melting away (even though I remain busy) - our financial stress may completely disappear in a matter of weeks, because as it turns out, we qualify for government aid and a loan remodification. (It has to do with DH being out of work and our debt:income ratio.) I was hesitant to believe our luck could actually be that good, so I did a TON of research into the possibility (we received a letter in the mail) and also had several lawyer friends look into it for us. It is legitimate. The paperwork is underway now. PRAISE GOD!!! When this goes through, our mortgage payment will be less than half of what it currently is!
This is such a relief for us. But onto some other good developments.
The housewarming party was a big success! It was so nice to see all of our loved ones, and show our home. I had set up pictures outside each room of what the room looked like when we first moved in, so that our guests could compare and see the progress. I also placed notecards outside each room for guests to give us design and decorating suggestions (this wasn't as big a hit as I had hoped... oh well). Everyone seemed to really love what we've already done, including our almost-finished dining room, with gold/ivory valences and tiny bumble bees on it :) (It sounds much more country than it is... trust me, it's elegant.)
The weather was also phenomenal, so we had no problem setting up all the food outdoors. The only real problem was that all of the neighborhood bees must have heard how good the wraps were, because they were swarming all over them.
One guest, a Creighton client of mine, commented on how peaceful I looked. And I have to admit, I feel much more peaceful these past couple of months. It is wonderful. Could have also been the wine ;)
At the end of the night, when all of the guests had gone home except my pregnant sister-in-law who came over after work, we opened our gifts. Inside St Rita's Roses' card (yes, she came to our party! Great to see you again, J!) was a Novena card to St. Rita (of course!) I began telling my sister-in-law about St. Rita, and how she is also a patron Saint for single women seeking their spouse. She was immediately intrigued, and asked to read the Novena. (Yay!)
The following morning, I received a text message from my sister-in-law saying:
"Was doing some more reading about St. Rita... did you know that BEES are associated with her? And you have bees on your curtains, and {DH} said you had a ton of bees outside yesterday. I thought this was a good sign!"
Bees?? I had to look this up immediately - sure enough, a swarm of white bees came to rest on baby Rita's lips on the day of her baptism. All who witnessed this knew it was mystical, because the baby was neither harmed nor awoken. Upon her beatification, Pope Urban apparently utilized bees as one of St Rita's symbols (along with roses, and of course, her thorn).
And here I had just picked out curtains with bees on them (not the most common home decor design)...
By the way, did I mention I also received a dozen red roses on the day of the housewarming party?? Kind of an odd gift for a housewarming party...
I immediately contacted St. Rita's Roses and told her, "That's it, St. Rita is nudging me to get to her shrine, I am coming this weekend!"
In the meantime, I've already gone online and ordered her statue and healing oil.
While I've been preparing to begin St Therese's "Joy In Suffering" Novena, I have also been noticing many hawks overhead.
The client/friend who texted me all of those lovely reminders several months ago, also sent me a text out of the blue a few days into this cycle, and then again yesterday, telling me she has a good feeling about me and is still praying.
The blogger who had the dream about my being pregnant contacted me to tell me she felt strongly about this cycle, for some reason.
In the past, all of these things added up together would probably make me place bets on the fact that I would conceive this cycle. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.
But I think these signs point to a much bigger picture than I was able to see in the past.
I think all of these signs serve as God's way to show me He is pleased with the path I am on. He is reminding me that He has not forgotten me, and that the blackest part of the night is nearing an end. He is sending me His love in very tangible ways, so that I can place my trust in Him and Him alone. And THIS brings me so much more peace than the idea of conceiving "this cycle" or "this year."
Of course I still hope. I hope every day that I may one day experience the utter joy and happiness of a positive pregnancy test. Or the phone call informing me that my child has been born. I hope every day that I may hold a baby in my arms that will look at me and know I am its mother. I hope every day that I may have the privilege of calling one of the rooms in my home "the baby's room," and that my entire day will consist of changing diapers, breastfeeding, and fighting the urge to pull my hair out and/or pass out from exhaustion. I hope every day that my dear, selfless husband will be given the gift of fatherhood.
But one thing I no longer hope for is peace. Because I have finally found it.
But getting back to the whole point of this blog: the cross of infertility and childlessness. To that end, there have been some pretty big signs as of late, that I thought I'd share with you.
First of all, I have been feeling so much better recently, about everything. The stress in my life seems to be melting away (even though I remain busy) - our financial stress may completely disappear in a matter of weeks, because as it turns out, we qualify for government aid and a loan remodification. (It has to do with DH being out of work and our debt:income ratio.) I was hesitant to believe our luck could actually be that good, so I did a TON of research into the possibility (we received a letter in the mail) and also had several lawyer friends look into it for us. It is legitimate. The paperwork is underway now. PRAISE GOD!!! When this goes through, our mortgage payment will be less than half of what it currently is!
This is such a relief for us. But onto some other good developments.
The housewarming party was a big success! It was so nice to see all of our loved ones, and show our home. I had set up pictures outside each room of what the room looked like when we first moved in, so that our guests could compare and see the progress. I also placed notecards outside each room for guests to give us design and decorating suggestions (this wasn't as big a hit as I had hoped... oh well). Everyone seemed to really love what we've already done, including our almost-finished dining room, with gold/ivory valences and tiny bumble bees on it :) (It sounds much more country than it is... trust me, it's elegant.)
The weather was also phenomenal, so we had no problem setting up all the food outdoors. The only real problem was that all of the neighborhood bees must have heard how good the wraps were, because they were swarming all over them.
One guest, a Creighton client of mine, commented on how peaceful I looked. And I have to admit, I feel much more peaceful these past couple of months. It is wonderful. Could have also been the wine ;)
At the end of the night, when all of the guests had gone home except my pregnant sister-in-law who came over after work, we opened our gifts. Inside St Rita's Roses' card (yes, she came to our party! Great to see you again, J!) was a Novena card to St. Rita (of course!) I began telling my sister-in-law about St. Rita, and how she is also a patron Saint for single women seeking their spouse. She was immediately intrigued, and asked to read the Novena. (Yay!)
The following morning, I received a text message from my sister-in-law saying:
"Was doing some more reading about St. Rita... did you know that BEES are associated with her? And you have bees on your curtains, and {DH} said you had a ton of bees outside yesterday. I thought this was a good sign!"
Bees?? I had to look this up immediately - sure enough, a swarm of white bees came to rest on baby Rita's lips on the day of her baptism. All who witnessed this knew it was mystical, because the baby was neither harmed nor awoken. Upon her beatification, Pope Urban apparently utilized bees as one of St Rita's symbols (along with roses, and of course, her thorn).
And here I had just picked out curtains with bees on them (not the most common home decor design)...
By the way, did I mention I also received a dozen red roses on the day of the housewarming party?? Kind of an odd gift for a housewarming party...
I immediately contacted St. Rita's Roses and told her, "That's it, St. Rita is nudging me to get to her shrine, I am coming this weekend!"
In the meantime, I've already gone online and ordered her statue and healing oil.
While I've been preparing to begin St Therese's "Joy In Suffering" Novena, I have also been noticing many hawks overhead.
The client/friend who texted me all of those lovely reminders several months ago, also sent me a text out of the blue a few days into this cycle, and then again yesterday, telling me she has a good feeling about me and is still praying.
The blogger who had the dream about my being pregnant contacted me to tell me she felt strongly about this cycle, for some reason.
In the past, all of these things added up together would probably make me place bets on the fact that I would conceive this cycle. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.
But I think these signs point to a much bigger picture than I was able to see in the past.
I think all of these signs serve as God's way to show me He is pleased with the path I am on. He is reminding me that He has not forgotten me, and that the blackest part of the night is nearing an end. He is sending me His love in very tangible ways, so that I can place my trust in Him and Him alone. And THIS brings me so much more peace than the idea of conceiving "this cycle" or "this year."
Of course I still hope. I hope every day that I may one day experience the utter joy and happiness of a positive pregnancy test. Or the phone call informing me that my child has been born. I hope every day that I may hold a baby in my arms that will look at me and know I am its mother. I hope every day that I may have the privilege of calling one of the rooms in my home "the baby's room," and that my entire day will consist of changing diapers, breastfeeding, and fighting the urge to pull my hair out and/or pass out from exhaustion. I hope every day that my dear, selfless husband will be given the gift of fatherhood.
But one thing I no longer hope for is peace. Because I have finally found it.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
My Week
So, I've sworn off "Day in the Life" posts when and if I have kids... to the point of making Sew vow to promptly give me a swift kick in the behind and force me to shut down my blog if I ever resort to that kind of mundane writing. This blog is anything but mundane.
But since my life right now is absolutely void of breastfeeding issues, screaming kids, nap times, whining, fussing, teething, and play dates (ok, so maybe there is some whining and fussing, but I'm working on that), I figure this week might be a good one to put on display for my readers.
(I'm just realizing now that this may take a while, because all the days blur together recently... hard to remember when certain things happened.)
Sunday:
Wake up to the foulest smell known to mankind, and start searching around the bedroom floor for cat shit. Nada. Make my way downstairs where the smell is getting stronger, and get too scared to walk to the back of the kitchen, where I'm convinced the smell is coming from. Send DH to back of kitchen where it is confirmed, Cooper (pitbull puppy) has had diarrhea ALL over his crate. Realize, 10 minutes before Mass starts, that we are out of paper towels. FIL arrives to help us paint the trim (radiators and doors) in the kitchen, and so we let Cooper out of his crate, close the door to the back of the kitchen so my FIL doesn't pass out from the smell while working, and go to Mass.
Show up to Mass in jeans (I HATE doing this, but time was of the essence this morning), and wouldn't you know it, we are asked to bring up the gifts. Learn another valuable lesson in humility as I present the gifts looking like a dirty hobo. Meanwhile DH is inwardly smiling because he knows that for once he actually looks much more presentable than I do.
Arrive back home, DH runs out to store to get paper towels, and when he comes back (less than 5 minutes later), discovers that Cooper has somehow in 5 minutes, and immediately after having gone outside, sprayed diarrhea all over our dining room: on the original pumpkin pine floors, on the marble fireplace and on the antique china hutch. Good thing he got the 6-pack of paper towels.
The remainder of the day flies by while we finish painting the kitchen, clean out the basement (including moving the old dryer out to curbside) for a townwide pick-up early the next morning (post-hurricane pick-up), and rip up the kitchen carpet. Shop around online for good quality Vinyl Wood-Finish flooring to use as a temporary solution... anything's better than carpet, right?
Monday:
Leave for work at 6:00am. Chat with a long-time NaPro patient who I've been doing ultrasounds for since last year (also a blogger). Drink a 1/2 cup of coffee. Take an online training class to become certified to do the Nuchal Translucency scan. At 10:30am, realize my lunch (that somehow DH had the time to make for me the night before) is still in my purse, so I take it out and put it in the fridge.
11:30am, leave the first workplace to drive to the next workplace (35-40 mins away). Arrive at second workplace before realizing I left my lunch in the fridge at the first workplace. Grab GF crackers from my passenger's seat.
At 2nd location, have a follow-up with a perimenopausal woman charting for PMS - her chart is an absolute mess and we have to go back to basics. Then, do an ultrasound for one of my favorite patients, a NaPro woman who suffered primary infertility a number of years before achieving and finding out she was pg while waiting on the operating table for surgery... only to have a very late-term loss (37 weeks, I think?). She got right back in the saddle and is an absolute inspiration to me, because earlier this year she was pg again and lost the baby at 18 weeks. Please remember her in your prayers - her spirit is remarkable, and I hope some of her strength will rub off on me.
Finally finish all of my work at 5:15pm, and get home at 6:00pm. I no longer see the light of day from my house anymore. Oh, and I'm starving! DH makes chicken wings, while I begin measuring the wall panels in the parlour, marking the walls, and cutting the textured wallpaper... I had planned on painting the wallpaper tonight, but that's not gonna happen. Eat, work some more on the wallpaper, and go to sleep.
(An aside: I have NO IDEA how working moms do it. By the time I get home at night, I can't even muster up energy to make dinner for myself and my husband, let alone kids! Kudos to all the working moms out there!)
Tuesday:
Leave for work at 6:00am. Too tired to make my morning shake, hubby makes one for me; he's been up until 4:30am painting the mouldings that arrived Monday afternoon. DH goes back to sleep as I leave the house.
At work, spend most of my day feeling absolutely useless because today's the day we share our office space with another Dr - he usurps the office that I usually work in, and I have no ultrasound or charting patients, so I make a few SFA kits, organize the Creighton files, and wait until 11:30 rolls around... wishing I were home so that I could put all this time to better use on the house!! But then realizing, no, wait, at least I'm getting paid to be here. And we NEED that money. Luckily, my ARDMS card arrived in the mail, so I bring it over to HR so that I can get my raise for being a Registered Sonographer. (Did I mention I passed my exams? I've been just a bit busy, so, sorry for the confusion.)
Grab sandwich from yesterday out of the fridge, eat it quickly, and leave for the next job, hoping that I can sneak out a little early today. No such luck: the medical assistant had to take the afternoon off, so now on top of my ultrasounds and regular office work, I need to do all the afternoon patients' intake (vitals and room them). Get a surprise visit from my NaPro goddaughter and her father (the parents are friends of ours from Marriage Encounter and also my charting clients; they conceived my goddaughter the cycle after surgery, and she was born 2 weeks ago). Hold the baby, who looks, I must say, blissfully peaceful in my arms, and introduce her to one of the NaPro Drs who helped her come into existence. Pose for pictures in the office, holding the baby.
Ultrasound patient arrives, who is also newly pregnant. Perform the worst kind of ultrasound - the kind where the baby isn't growing appropriately, the heart rate is much lower than it should be, and I need to be the bearer of bad news. After the Dr speaks with the patient and reiterates what I had already told her (We can't know for sure yet, there are always miracles, but it doesn't look the way we would hope at this stage), I tell the patient that until next week's scan, I will be praying for her daily. And I remind her that while we will pray for a miracle, she needs to know that if the miracle doesn't happen, she is not being punished. There is NOTHING she did or didn't do. I see the tears finally flow from her eyes, and while it breaks my heart, it also makes me feel better for her... you see, I hate seeing the infertility patients and miscarriage patients enter and exit my room completely collected, stoic, and emotionless. I KNOW that they are waiting until they are in the safety of their car to break down, where often, they have no support (if their husband isn't with them). I want them to know that OUR OFFICE will be that support. They can show their vulnerability, because I feel it for them, too. That it's ok to cry. It's ok to be mad.
Get home at 6:00pm again, and tell DH to please pray for this patient. He asks me if this is the worst part of my job, and I respond, it's both the best and the worst.
DH has finished all of the chair rail in the dining room, painting, measuring, cutting, and coping. It looks amazing. He goes upstairs to sleep a while since he is exhausted, and I grab some herring and crackers as a quick dinner while I cut some more wallpaper. An hour later, I leave for my singing group rehearsal. Get home after 10:00pm, and promptly go upstairs to sleep, despite the fact that it's fertile time. Way. too. exhausted.
Wednesday:
Somehow drag myself out of bed at 5:30am and shower without passing out from exhaustion. It's only Wednesday?? Really?? Get to work, do an early ultrasound, and see that my sonohysterogram patient later this morning has cancelled. Utilize this time wisely by blogging, instead :) Try to resist the urge to grab a cup of coffee... but man, I really need it...
So, this may not be an entire week, but you get the gist. Tonight's plan is to paint all the wallpaper for the panels, and then have a marital therapy session with my therapist.
The reason we've been working so aggressively on the house is because our Housewarming Party is this Sunday. Consider this your invitation if you are in the area and would like to come!!
DH still hasn't been able to start his job, but we're praying he can start immediately after the next court date, Oct 7th. Sigh.
I'm going to go get that cup of coffee now. Sorry.
Stay tuned because after this weekend, I will finally be posting some pictures of the house :)
But since my life right now is absolutely void of breastfeeding issues, screaming kids, nap times, whining, fussing, teething, and play dates (ok, so maybe there is some whining and fussing, but I'm working on that), I figure this week might be a good one to put on display for my readers.
(I'm just realizing now that this may take a while, because all the days blur together recently... hard to remember when certain things happened.)
Sunday:
Wake up to the foulest smell known to mankind, and start searching around the bedroom floor for cat shit. Nada. Make my way downstairs where the smell is getting stronger, and get too scared to walk to the back of the kitchen, where I'm convinced the smell is coming from. Send DH to back of kitchen where it is confirmed, Cooper (pitbull puppy) has had diarrhea ALL over his crate. Realize, 10 minutes before Mass starts, that we are out of paper towels. FIL arrives to help us paint the trim (radiators and doors) in the kitchen, and so we let Cooper out of his crate, close the door to the back of the kitchen so my FIL doesn't pass out from the smell while working, and go to Mass.
Show up to Mass in jeans (I HATE doing this, but time was of the essence this morning), and wouldn't you know it, we are asked to bring up the gifts. Learn another valuable lesson in humility as I present the gifts looking like a dirty hobo. Meanwhile DH is inwardly smiling because he knows that for once he actually looks much more presentable than I do.
Arrive back home, DH runs out to store to get paper towels, and when he comes back (less than 5 minutes later), discovers that Cooper has somehow in 5 minutes, and immediately after having gone outside, sprayed diarrhea all over our dining room: on the original pumpkin pine floors, on the marble fireplace and on the antique china hutch. Good thing he got the 6-pack of paper towels.
The remainder of the day flies by while we finish painting the kitchen, clean out the basement (including moving the old dryer out to curbside) for a townwide pick-up early the next morning (post-hurricane pick-up), and rip up the kitchen carpet. Shop around online for good quality Vinyl Wood-Finish flooring to use as a temporary solution... anything's better than carpet, right?
Monday:
Leave for work at 6:00am. Chat with a long-time NaPro patient who I've been doing ultrasounds for since last year (also a blogger). Drink a 1/2 cup of coffee. Take an online training class to become certified to do the Nuchal Translucency scan. At 10:30am, realize my lunch (that somehow DH had the time to make for me the night before) is still in my purse, so I take it out and put it in the fridge.
11:30am, leave the first workplace to drive to the next workplace (35-40 mins away). Arrive at second workplace before realizing I left my lunch in the fridge at the first workplace. Grab GF crackers from my passenger's seat.
At 2nd location, have a follow-up with a perimenopausal woman charting for PMS - her chart is an absolute mess and we have to go back to basics. Then, do an ultrasound for one of my favorite patients, a NaPro woman who suffered primary infertility a number of years before achieving and finding out she was pg while waiting on the operating table for surgery... only to have a very late-term loss (37 weeks, I think?). She got right back in the saddle and is an absolute inspiration to me, because earlier this year she was pg again and lost the baby at 18 weeks. Please remember her in your prayers - her spirit is remarkable, and I hope some of her strength will rub off on me.
Finally finish all of my work at 5:15pm, and get home at 6:00pm. I no longer see the light of day from my house anymore. Oh, and I'm starving! DH makes chicken wings, while I begin measuring the wall panels in the parlour, marking the walls, and cutting the textured wallpaper... I had planned on painting the wallpaper tonight, but that's not gonna happen. Eat, work some more on the wallpaper, and go to sleep.
(An aside: I have NO IDEA how working moms do it. By the time I get home at night, I can't even muster up energy to make dinner for myself and my husband, let alone kids! Kudos to all the working moms out there!)
Tuesday:
Leave for work at 6:00am. Too tired to make my morning shake, hubby makes one for me; he's been up until 4:30am painting the mouldings that arrived Monday afternoon. DH goes back to sleep as I leave the house.
At work, spend most of my day feeling absolutely useless because today's the day we share our office space with another Dr - he usurps the office that I usually work in, and I have no ultrasound or charting patients, so I make a few SFA kits, organize the Creighton files, and wait until 11:30 rolls around... wishing I were home so that I could put all this time to better use on the house!! But then realizing, no, wait, at least I'm getting paid to be here. And we NEED that money. Luckily, my ARDMS card arrived in the mail, so I bring it over to HR so that I can get my raise for being a Registered Sonographer. (Did I mention I passed my exams? I've been just a bit busy, so, sorry for the confusion.)
Grab sandwich from yesterday out of the fridge, eat it quickly, and leave for the next job, hoping that I can sneak out a little early today. No such luck: the medical assistant had to take the afternoon off, so now on top of my ultrasounds and regular office work, I need to do all the afternoon patients' intake (vitals and room them). Get a surprise visit from my NaPro goddaughter and her father (the parents are friends of ours from Marriage Encounter and also my charting clients; they conceived my goddaughter the cycle after surgery, and she was born 2 weeks ago). Hold the baby, who looks, I must say, blissfully peaceful in my arms, and introduce her to one of the NaPro Drs who helped her come into existence. Pose for pictures in the office, holding the baby.
Ultrasound patient arrives, who is also newly pregnant. Perform the worst kind of ultrasound - the kind where the baby isn't growing appropriately, the heart rate is much lower than it should be, and I need to be the bearer of bad news. After the Dr speaks with the patient and reiterates what I had already told her (We can't know for sure yet, there are always miracles, but it doesn't look the way we would hope at this stage), I tell the patient that until next week's scan, I will be praying for her daily. And I remind her that while we will pray for a miracle, she needs to know that if the miracle doesn't happen, she is not being punished. There is NOTHING she did or didn't do. I see the tears finally flow from her eyes, and while it breaks my heart, it also makes me feel better for her... you see, I hate seeing the infertility patients and miscarriage patients enter and exit my room completely collected, stoic, and emotionless. I KNOW that they are waiting until they are in the safety of their car to break down, where often, they have no support (if their husband isn't with them). I want them to know that OUR OFFICE will be that support. They can show their vulnerability, because I feel it for them, too. That it's ok to cry. It's ok to be mad.
Get home at 6:00pm again, and tell DH to please pray for this patient. He asks me if this is the worst part of my job, and I respond, it's both the best and the worst.
DH has finished all of the chair rail in the dining room, painting, measuring, cutting, and coping. It looks amazing. He goes upstairs to sleep a while since he is exhausted, and I grab some herring and crackers as a quick dinner while I cut some more wallpaper. An hour later, I leave for my singing group rehearsal. Get home after 10:00pm, and promptly go upstairs to sleep, despite the fact that it's fertile time. Way. too. exhausted.
Wednesday:
Somehow drag myself out of bed at 5:30am and shower without passing out from exhaustion. It's only Wednesday?? Really?? Get to work, do an early ultrasound, and see that my sonohysterogram patient later this morning has cancelled. Utilize this time wisely by blogging, instead :) Try to resist the urge to grab a cup of coffee... but man, I really need it...
So, this may not be an entire week, but you get the gist. Tonight's plan is to paint all the wallpaper for the panels, and then have a marital therapy session with my therapist.
The reason we've been working so aggressively on the house is because our Housewarming Party is this Sunday. Consider this your invitation if you are in the area and would like to come!!
DH still hasn't been able to start his job, but we're praying he can start immediately after the next court date, Oct 7th. Sigh.
I'm going to go get that cup of coffee now. Sorry.
Stay tuned because after this weekend, I will finally be posting some pictures of the house :)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I Am So Blessed
You may think this post would be accompanied by a picture of a positive pregnancy test. Or perhaps another big announcement. But instead, things here are status quo. Not even my cycle has shown improvements (this month I had black bleeding with gigantic clots at the end of the period - lovely, I know).
Status quo. For me, if you've ever read this blog before, you'll know that status quo is pretty much bottom-of-the-barrel. Depleted bank accounts. Failing fertility. Ongoing court battles. Family health issues and death. Pregnant unwed sisters-in-law. Constant humiliation from all angles. That is my status quo.
But I am beginning to understand how very blessed I am. I am, for once, seeing into the heart of the Beatitudes. Blessed are the poor. Blessed are those who mourn. Blessed are those who thirst for righteousness.
Blessed am I.
I can't even tell you how excited I am to receive my newly ordered "Joy in Suffering" novena booklet to St Therese. It will arrive just in time for me to begin a Novena for her Feast Day Oct. 1st.
I am just starting to get my feet wet in this new life of joy in suffering, and I think it took me so long because I just couldn't see past the pain. Little did I know then that it wasn't the pain I had to see past in order to find the joy. It was the pain I had to see INTO. God's love, all along, has been engulfing me inside of this great, big ditch - and here I've been, trying to claw, climb, and dig myself up and out just to get a glimpse of what I was blind to see I already had.
Status quo. For me, if you've ever read this blog before, you'll know that status quo is pretty much bottom-of-the-barrel. Depleted bank accounts. Failing fertility. Ongoing court battles. Family health issues and death. Pregnant unwed sisters-in-law. Constant humiliation from all angles. That is my status quo.
But I am beginning to understand how very blessed I am. I am, for once, seeing into the heart of the Beatitudes. Blessed are the poor. Blessed are those who mourn. Blessed are those who thirst for righteousness.
Blessed am I.
I can't even tell you how excited I am to receive my newly ordered "Joy in Suffering" novena booklet to St Therese. It will arrive just in time for me to begin a Novena for her Feast Day Oct. 1st.
I am just starting to get my feet wet in this new life of joy in suffering, and I think it took me so long because I just couldn't see past the pain. Little did I know then that it wasn't the pain I had to see past in order to find the joy. It was the pain I had to see INTO. God's love, all along, has been engulfing me inside of this great, big ditch - and here I've been, trying to claw, climb, and dig myself up and out just to get a glimpse of what I was blind to see I already had.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Poverty
Another great session with my therapist last night. We spoke about "poverty" some more, and the blessings that come from it.
But today I'm going to write about a different kind of poverty.
As you may remember, DH landed a new job as a site manager at a construction company. He has not made ANY money with his father's company since last year.
My take-home pay is barely enough to pay the mortgage. So, we've had to utilize our savings for the past several months just to pay the bills (car payment, car insurance, gas, electric, water, student loans, cell phones, comcast, etc.) - there wasn't much left in savings after purchasing the house last December.
And... DH's job hasn't started officially yet. We were told August 15th. But as it turns out, there is an issue with the fact that the court thing is still going on. The new job needed something in writing from the courts stating that DH was definitely not going to jail, but the problem is, the next court date is October 7th, when settlement will be reached. Up until that time, DH could potentially decide to go forward with a trial and not accept settlement. Hence the current dilemma.
He has been going in for training and such this week and last... and the receptionist is doing everything she can to get him to start before October. Please pray.
Our mortgage is now 2 months late. Our car payments are delinquent. Bills are just piling up and just when I was about to lose it, I received a check from Clear Passages for $3,000 - what my insurance paid for my therapy back in June! THANK YOU, GOD!! I can now pay down some of those bills, at least.
But we desperately need DH to start getting paid... or things won't be pretty.
When we were told DH was going to start either July 15th or Aug 15th, we went ahead and planned our Housewarming Party for Sept 18th. Now, we have over 25 people already rsvp "yes," and no money to put into the house. Totally stinks.
Once he starts, our family income will more than double. I'm trying to put trust in God, but I could still use your prayers.
I know things could be so much worse... and without kids, I don't have the additional stress of wondering how I will provide for them during this tough financial time. But our house is our baby - we LOVE it, and really don't want to lose it.
Jesus, I trust you!
But today I'm going to write about a different kind of poverty.
As you may remember, DH landed a new job as a site manager at a construction company. He has not made ANY money with his father's company since last year.
My take-home pay is barely enough to pay the mortgage. So, we've had to utilize our savings for the past several months just to pay the bills (car payment, car insurance, gas, electric, water, student loans, cell phones, comcast, etc.) - there wasn't much left in savings after purchasing the house last December.
And... DH's job hasn't started officially yet. We were told August 15th. But as it turns out, there is an issue with the fact that the court thing is still going on. The new job needed something in writing from the courts stating that DH was definitely not going to jail, but the problem is, the next court date is October 7th, when settlement will be reached. Up until that time, DH could potentially decide to go forward with a trial and not accept settlement. Hence the current dilemma.
He has been going in for training and such this week and last... and the receptionist is doing everything she can to get him to start before October. Please pray.
Our mortgage is now 2 months late. Our car payments are delinquent. Bills are just piling up and just when I was about to lose it, I received a check from Clear Passages for $3,000 - what my insurance paid for my therapy back in June! THANK YOU, GOD!! I can now pay down some of those bills, at least.
But we desperately need DH to start getting paid... or things won't be pretty.
When we were told DH was going to start either July 15th or Aug 15th, we went ahead and planned our Housewarming Party for Sept 18th. Now, we have over 25 people already rsvp "yes," and no money to put into the house. Totally stinks.
Once he starts, our family income will more than double. I'm trying to put trust in God, but I could still use your prayers.
I know things could be so much worse... and without kids, I don't have the additional stress of wondering how I will provide for them during this tough financial time. But our house is our baby - we LOVE it, and really don't want to lose it.
Jesus, I trust you!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
PMS and the Migraine from Hell
Last cycle's PMS was pretty bad. No anxiety attacks, or severe depression, but definitely lots of snapping, bitchiness, and general mood swings. It didn't last as long as it has been, and I credit the higher dose of Naltrexone for that, but there is still room for improvement. I may look into hCG for post-Peak PMS support this cycle. I just don't want it to become a cyclical thing (I'm trying to wind down on meds, not add more.)
Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I am not a migraine sufferer. I had one in my whole lifetime, and it was one day while I was teaching Kindergarten, needed the teacher next door to take over my class while I turned all the lights out in the classroom and put my head on the desk. I was able to drive home and go to sleep after about an hour.
But yesterday was far, far worse. It started out like a normal headache (I don't usually even get headaches, so when I do get them, I complain about it... a lot.) The headache got progressively worse, and my parents were visiting for the day, so I was out at the stores looking at some area rugs with my Mom. I BARELY made it home from the store after stopping for gas - the headache was so strong I started to feel nauseous. I got home, ran upstairs to the bathroom, and threw up. (Sorry.) I hate throwing up, but usually if I'm sick and do throw up, I feel better afterwards. I did not feel better. If possible, the headache was getting even worse.
I stumbled down the hall to the bedroom as DH said goodbye to my parents (I felt SO BAD, but I just could not help it.) I had already taken 2 aspirin earlier in the day, but they did nothing. I had also just started my period a few hours earlier.
DH came upstairs to get me comfortable in bed... but when I layed down, the headache got so bad I thought I was going to die. Literally. My head was pounding so much and NOTHING would take the pain away. I started to get more nauseous from the pain. DH sat me up in bed, and I asked him for a trash can. All at once, I felt a rush of blood from my period (sorry, again), cramps all throughout my lower abdomen and pelvis, nausea, and an insane headache... I tried to take two Motrin because I didn't want anymore aspirin since my period had just started.
A minute after I took the Motrin, I was back in the bathroom, throwing up. It was at that point that I got extremely dizzy and had to lay back against the tub. The headache began to subside just a bit, and I remember DH picking me up from the floor because I had passed out for a few seconds.
When he carried me back to bed, he propped me up, and started rubbing some essential oils on my feet (largest pores in the skin). He used rosemary, lavendar, and peppermint to ward off the nausea. I remember hearing him on the phone with his mother, asking her what he should do, and she gave him some quick Jin-Shin J'yitzu techniques to try, and the next thing I knew, the headache slowed down enough for me to fall asleep (sitting up in bed). I woke up 20 minutes later and was wiped out but feeling SO much better.
So... talk about suffering! I was prepared for the start of this new cycle to be one that I would "dive" into and experience the suffering, as my therapist had suggested. I didn't realize it would be the absolute worst pain I'd ever felt in my life!!
And in other news, here is a gift I received in the mail last week:
I'll give you two hints. It's not Salsa. And, it's from Sew.
;)
Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I am not a migraine sufferer. I had one in my whole lifetime, and it was one day while I was teaching Kindergarten, needed the teacher next door to take over my class while I turned all the lights out in the classroom and put my head on the desk. I was able to drive home and go to sleep after about an hour.
But yesterday was far, far worse. It started out like a normal headache (I don't usually even get headaches, so when I do get them, I complain about it... a lot.) The headache got progressively worse, and my parents were visiting for the day, so I was out at the stores looking at some area rugs with my Mom. I BARELY made it home from the store after stopping for gas - the headache was so strong I started to feel nauseous. I got home, ran upstairs to the bathroom, and threw up. (Sorry.) I hate throwing up, but usually if I'm sick and do throw up, I feel better afterwards. I did not feel better. If possible, the headache was getting even worse.
I stumbled down the hall to the bedroom as DH said goodbye to my parents (I felt SO BAD, but I just could not help it.) I had already taken 2 aspirin earlier in the day, but they did nothing. I had also just started my period a few hours earlier.
DH came upstairs to get me comfortable in bed... but when I layed down, the headache got so bad I thought I was going to die. Literally. My head was pounding so much and NOTHING would take the pain away. I started to get more nauseous from the pain. DH sat me up in bed, and I asked him for a trash can. All at once, I felt a rush of blood from my period (sorry, again), cramps all throughout my lower abdomen and pelvis, nausea, and an insane headache... I tried to take two Motrin because I didn't want anymore aspirin since my period had just started.
A minute after I took the Motrin, I was back in the bathroom, throwing up. It was at that point that I got extremely dizzy and had to lay back against the tub. The headache began to subside just a bit, and I remember DH picking me up from the floor because I had passed out for a few seconds.
When he carried me back to bed, he propped me up, and started rubbing some essential oils on my feet (largest pores in the skin). He used rosemary, lavendar, and peppermint to ward off the nausea. I remember hearing him on the phone with his mother, asking her what he should do, and she gave him some quick Jin-Shin J'yitzu techniques to try, and the next thing I knew, the headache slowed down enough for me to fall asleep (sitting up in bed). I woke up 20 minutes later and was wiped out but feeling SO much better.
So... talk about suffering! I was prepared for the start of this new cycle to be one that I would "dive" into and experience the suffering, as my therapist had suggested. I didn't realize it would be the absolute worst pain I'd ever felt in my life!!
And in other news, here is a gift I received in the mail last week:
I'll give you two hints. It's not Salsa. And, it's from Sew.
;)
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hope for a Baby - A Bad Thing?
I had another session with my therapist last night. I feel like we've only scratched the surface of my plethora of issues, but already I have gained such valuable insight and tools to help me plunge deeper into this time of my life. The take home message of the evening was: "Don't squander this time... don't squander this sorrow."
Before I spoke with him, I had been thinking all day about hope.
I have not come forward with a little piece of information that I was given about 5 or 6 months ago, for several reasons, but mostly because it was so deeply personal and has been my source of hope for a baby throughout the majority of 2011. (Otherwise, I really don't think I'd have any left at all.) This piece of information involves a dream that another blogger had about me. I'll give you all of the details sometime soon, but I don't want to focus on that right now. (I also hope the other blogger doesn't mind that I am posting about this.)
Suffice to say, if this blogger had not confided in me about her dream, and the circumstances surrounding it, I likely would not have any hope left for a baby. I was contemplating this yesterday... is it a good thing that I still have hope, or should my hope be completely and utterly in heaven and in giving glory to God??
Am I selfish to be holding onto this hope, even though I have come to a place where I understand that my ultimate hope is not about getting what I want? Is it too human of me to still believe from cycle to cycle that perhaps I will conceive, or that maybe I will be able to adopt or foster someday?
I struggled with this thought during the day, because my conscience was telling me that it was ok, even GOOD for me to have that hope for a child.
I reasoned with myself that the hope is what keeps me moving in the right direction - in other words, my long-term focus remains on God, while I go through the daily trials and tribulations of infertility - but my short-term hope is that I may become a mother.
If I were to give up that hope (which was just about to happen when I received an email from said blogger about her dream), then what suffering is there to be used for God's glory? It always used to make me upset when I saw other infertile women praying that God would take away their desire for children - I knew in my heart that the desire was God-given, and even if it were never fulfilled, it was a crucial part of this cross of infertility and childlessness. Yet, this year, I reached a point when I was almost praying for the exact same thing. And it frightened me.
It reminds me of how Jesus taught the disciples to love their enemies. They had been living in a world where it was the norm to love your friends and hate your enemies. Jesus posed the question, that if you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that?
That's how I see infertility/childlessness. If you carry the cross, even to the point of embracing it, but you lack the desire to have a child... what reward is there in that? It is the intense suffering of those who desire parenthood SO MUCH and yet cannot attain it which transforms the cross into a source of redemption.
At the end of our phone appointment last night, I asked my therapist for his input: "Is it still ok for me to hope for a child?"
Without hesitating, he repeated the truth I knew in my heart: "Yes. Denying yourself hope for a child is a form of protecting yourself from the suffering. You should continue to hope!"
He went on to tell me that in days like today, when my period is imminent, I should fully go through the suffering along with my body. I told him that there were times when I felt peace in the cross, but that I was worried about its source; is my peace coming from having endured the suffering well, and now seeing glimpses of peace IN the sorrow, or is it just that I have become numb to the suffering, or worse, that I am avoiding or ignoring further suffering that comes my way? (For example, the endless text messages from my pregnant sister-in-law in which she complains about how she has to do the 2-hour glucose test and drink that "nasty sugary drink," or how her "arm is about to fall off" from all the poking and prodding they did to get her bloodwork.)
The therapist said he is looking forward to bringing me deeper through the suffering so that there will not be any confusion about where my peace is coming from. I'm tentatively excited about this. I can't believe I'm actually saying that, but it's true! I guess I just feel like I'm already so close to completely surrendering, and that there has been so much suffering already, and yet I'm still here, and I'm ok. Better than ok.
I know I can do this. Let it be done unto me.
Before I spoke with him, I had been thinking all day about hope.
I have not come forward with a little piece of information that I was given about 5 or 6 months ago, for several reasons, but mostly because it was so deeply personal and has been my source of hope for a baby throughout the majority of 2011. (Otherwise, I really don't think I'd have any left at all.) This piece of information involves a dream that another blogger had about me. I'll give you all of the details sometime soon, but I don't want to focus on that right now. (I also hope the other blogger doesn't mind that I am posting about this.)
Suffice to say, if this blogger had not confided in me about her dream, and the circumstances surrounding it, I likely would not have any hope left for a baby. I was contemplating this yesterday... is it a good thing that I still have hope, or should my hope be completely and utterly in heaven and in giving glory to God??
Am I selfish to be holding onto this hope, even though I have come to a place where I understand that my ultimate hope is not about getting what I want? Is it too human of me to still believe from cycle to cycle that perhaps I will conceive, or that maybe I will be able to adopt or foster someday?
I struggled with this thought during the day, because my conscience was telling me that it was ok, even GOOD for me to have that hope for a child.
I reasoned with myself that the hope is what keeps me moving in the right direction - in other words, my long-term focus remains on God, while I go through the daily trials and tribulations of infertility - but my short-term hope is that I may become a mother.
If I were to give up that hope (which was just about to happen when I received an email from said blogger about her dream), then what suffering is there to be used for God's glory? It always used to make me upset when I saw other infertile women praying that God would take away their desire for children - I knew in my heart that the desire was God-given, and even if it were never fulfilled, it was a crucial part of this cross of infertility and childlessness. Yet, this year, I reached a point when I was almost praying for the exact same thing. And it frightened me.
It reminds me of how Jesus taught the disciples to love their enemies. They had been living in a world where it was the norm to love your friends and hate your enemies. Jesus posed the question, that if you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that?
That's how I see infertility/childlessness. If you carry the cross, even to the point of embracing it, but you lack the desire to have a child... what reward is there in that? It is the intense suffering of those who desire parenthood SO MUCH and yet cannot attain it which transforms the cross into a source of redemption.
At the end of our phone appointment last night, I asked my therapist for his input: "Is it still ok for me to hope for a child?"
Without hesitating, he repeated the truth I knew in my heart: "Yes. Denying yourself hope for a child is a form of protecting yourself from the suffering. You should continue to hope!"
He went on to tell me that in days like today, when my period is imminent, I should fully go through the suffering along with my body. I told him that there were times when I felt peace in the cross, but that I was worried about its source; is my peace coming from having endured the suffering well, and now seeing glimpses of peace IN the sorrow, or is it just that I have become numb to the suffering, or worse, that I am avoiding or ignoring further suffering that comes my way? (For example, the endless text messages from my pregnant sister-in-law in which she complains about how she has to do the 2-hour glucose test and drink that "nasty sugary drink," or how her "arm is about to fall off" from all the poking and prodding they did to get her bloodwork.)
The therapist said he is looking forward to bringing me deeper through the suffering so that there will not be any confusion about where my peace is coming from. I'm tentatively excited about this. I can't believe I'm actually saying that, but it's true! I guess I just feel like I'm already so close to completely surrendering, and that there has been so much suffering already, and yet I'm still here, and I'm ok. Better than ok.
I know I can do this. Let it be done unto me.
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