God's Perfect Timing

I've been thinking about these words a lot lately. A lot. And trying to figure out a way to articulate WHY it is that I don't agree with how most people define them. "God's perfect timing," to me, does not mean that your prayers are answered when God feels the timing is perfect.

To me, as has been evidenced in my life, "God's perfect timing," has rather been about the timing of each cross we carry. For those who suffer the cross of childlessness, God knows already when and how (and if) we will be delivered from that cross. For Jane and Mike, it may be 3 years. For Sally and Tom, it may be 8 years. For Cassie and Frank, it may be never. And for Rachel and Chris, it may be 4 months. God is not waiting up in Heaven for us to discover the magic combination of prayers, understanding, and clarity in our cross before granting us the blessing of children. Nor is He waiting until we are at the exact right time of our lives (i.e, "No, they should not get pregnant this year, because they will buy a house this year and it will be too much stress for them. I will wait until NEXT year to give them a child, because then THAT will be perfect timing!")

Call me cynical, but I really don't think God works like that. I know many (who have received their blessings) will disagree.

Instead, I think God already knows in advance what the exact outcome of our cross will be - and the time we have been allotted by God to make something fruitful and beautiful out of our cross is REALLY what His perfect timing is all about.

None of us know when our time will be "up." We can be delivered of our cross at any moment. But we also may be asked to carry it for a lifetime. No matter what the end result, our focus should not be about that future moment which may or may not exist, but on how to use the moments right in front of us, here and now. Despair, complaining, whining, becoming bitter, and anger are not the ways to utilize God's perfect timing.

For those who still carry the cross of childlessness, this post is for you. I feel your pain, particularly lately, as we watch, read, and follow our friends who have been given their blessings. Try to look at it as YOUR blessing - that you have been given more time... more time to grow in love with God, to finally reach a place where you truly understand that the MIRACLE of life is not outside of you, in a child God entrusts to your care. It is, instead, the miracle of your heart being opened to God's will and knowing that Christ loves you SO MUCH He is giving you this time to discover things you may have never discovered without this time.

I am so thankful for the miracle that has come from my childlessness, and I pray the miracles continue to pour forth for me and for all of you!

Allow yourself to feel the pain, allow yourself to listen to God in that pain - He will guide you wherever He wants you to be now.

Because... His perfect timing for discovering His love is ALWAYS NOW.

"Being Open to Life is Not About Being Open to Children." ... Wait... What?

It might have been best for me to reflect on these words a little more before writing my thoughts as they come to me... but then I'd be more of a Melancholic/Choleric, and not the Choleric/Melancholic I really am ;)

Last night I had my first phone appointment with a Catholic clinical psychologist recommended to me by another blogger. The two-hour appointment was supposed to be mostly my oral biography, so that the therapist could get to know me better. Toward the end of the two-hour session, he had given me more pearls of wisdom than I knew what to do with.

In particular the moment that struck me speechless (a rarity) was when he began speaking of my maternal heart - how ALL women have one, and all maternal hearts ache. He said that like Mary, I should allow my heart to be pierced right now, and allow it to truly bleed. He told me that Jesus is allowing me to decrease so that He can increase, and that, after all, "being open to life is not about being open to children;" rather, it is about being open to whatever Christ has in store for you.

For married couples, being open to life doesn't mean they will become pregnant. Being open to life doesn't mean they will adopt. It may, however, mean that the lives some couples conceive will be given right back to God after miscarriage or infant death. And for others, it may mean being open to the uncertainty that life will ever come in the form of a child. (For still others, it may mean a child WILL come when they are not planning to have one.) When we open ourselves up to being open to LIFE, we are becoming the most vulnerable we have ever been, precisely because we don't know where it will lead us.

"Being open to life is not about being open to children."

I am still wrapping my head around this... this... absolute goldmine of information! Open to life= Open to Jesus alive in your heart.

He went on to say that Mary is not called Our Lady of Joys, she's called Our Lady of Sorrows... yet in her sorrow, she had peace. At the foot of her son's cross, she had PEACE! Why? Because as much as her heart ached, she ALWAYS said "Yes" to God and to His will.

He then said "Don't you imagine that Mary desired more children after Jesus? Yet that wasn't God's will for her, and she was open to the LIFE of Christ in her heart..."

I honestly never thought about that before last night!!! Mary, Our Mother, desiring a house full of children! Yes!! I bet she did!! (Although, really, did she think she'd get a better child than Jesus Christ? Hehehe, talk about sibling rivalry... "Don't touch that, I've already asked you twice! Your brother Jesus never defied me...")

Being open to life. I thought I was... but maybe I have a lot further to go than I realized.

I am open to life... but am I ready to give my all back to Christ in order for Him to take root in my soul and flourish? Am I ready to ACCEPT the true Life that I am open to?

I think I may have said a dozen times last night to my therapist, out of frustration, "I wish I wasn't so human!!"

I feel like I am so close to a huge spiritual step...

I'm ready to take the plunge.

When the Choleric/Melancholic married the Sanguine/Choleric

(You can read more about our wedding and see pictures here.)

Today is our Fifth Wedding Anniversary. And since we began trying to build our family when we got married, it also marks the completion of our 5th year of infertility. In the past, I would say that this makes today bittersweet. But today, I choose to rejoice.

After all, my husband and I have survived more in the past 5 years of marriage than most couples I know have had to deal with in 45 years. And we're still standing. Our love for each other and for God has grown exponentially. Our understanding of our crosses, as being sources of spiritual growth, has come so very far.

I am reading "The Temperament God Gave You." It is amazing to see just how God is using our crosses to humble us and to better us. As a Choleric I have always tended to celebrate in my accomplishments and resort to believing all good things in my life came to me because of my own dedication, perseverance, and talents. God knew just how best to bring me back to total reliance and trust in Him, by allowing me to see that no matter how much I do, how much I spend, how obsessed I become - I cannot become a mother all on my own.

As a Sanguine, my husband is extremely optimistic, but lacks follow-through. In his youth, he tended to go along with the crowd in his spiritual beliefs, and found love and happiness in the wrong sources, justifying himself along the way. But through our crosses, he has come to know God better than ever, and once he realized that all the love and Truth in the world could be found in Him, he has become one of the most devout Catholics I have the pleasure to know.

My husband and I balance each other so well that sometimes it takes my breath away. God knew all along that he was meant to be my husband and I was meant to be his wife. My Melancholic tendencies can lead to perfectionism at its ugliest, and my husband has often wondered (aloud) if I will "ever be satisfied." I am learning to hone these weaknesses, through my childlessness, and as in the past I used to dwell on what ISN'T, now I try to focus on what IS - to see what is truly important, and to work to improve my life in ways that I can.

One of my husband's greatest strengths is his ability to forgive and forget. And thank God for that, because he has had plenty to forgive me!

Today, we will celebrate the marriage God gave us. We will revel in this amazing journey we've made it through in one piece, and know that no matter WHAT lies ahead, we will survive it. What an awesome day, indeed!! FIVE YEARS of some of the most painful suffering known to man... Thank you, God, for carrying us through!!

Happy 5th Anniversary, to my cheerful, hopeful, outgoing, loving, nurturing husband. Our marriage has stood the test of time, and will forever:

(My gift to hubby: 5th "Wooden" Anniversary)

Swiss Family Robinson- A Lesson for Us All

Believe it or not, I had never seen Swiss Family Robinson.

DH found it amongst his piles of old movies yesterday and was overjoyed to watch it again; it was his absolute favorite as a boy.

Early on in the film, right after the family is shipwrecked on their way to New Guinea to start a new life, the father of the family begins to plan ahead for what his family will need on this deserted island, not knowing how long they may be there. {On a side note, isn't it hysterical how the parents in old movies call each other "Father" and "Mother?" DH and I have decided to REALLY confuse people and call each other Father and Mother in the presence of others.} So, the mother of the family grows more and more concerned as she sees her husband reacting as if they will not be rescued, and she continues to ask him how long he thinks they will be on the island. When her husband responds that it will only be until a ship comes and rescues them, she says, "Well then, that's what I will pray for with every waking breath."

My gut reaction to this was as follows:

"How stupid! She's going to pray over and over again to get rescued when all the while God has this awesome adventure planned for her? She would completely miss out on all of it if she were rescued! Not to mention the movie would really stink."

And then my next immediate thought was...

"Doh!"

How often have I prayed that God would bless us with children, help us become pregnant, help us adopt, grow our family? All the while, God has known that the movie of MY life is going to be much more interesting than what I would script. (And yes, in case you were wondering, the movie of my life can be found in the Drama Section.) My movie may end with children, or it may not, but the BEST part of it, the meat of the film, will be what happens during the unplanned journey that presented itself to me while I was on my way to starting a new life.

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
So true.

I think it is important to make our desires known to God, but maybe in general our prayers need to be less specific. Our Father, after all, is the ultimate planner and screenwriter.

Now, we do need to make a concerted effort to make the best of these unplanned circumstances that come our way. The movie still would have stunk if the mother resigned herself to the fact that they would never be rescued, that life wasn't worth living, and she would never truly be happy again. Instead, she made the most of it, adapting to the new way of life, and eventually loved it so much that she didn't want to leave the island.

(Given the choice, I think I may still choose to leave the island of infertility, but that's the main difference between "MOTHER" and me ;) )

Ever loving Father, you know the desires of my heart, You who formed me before I was in my mother's womb. Help me now to always do Your will on earth, to never resent the cross I've been given, and to seek only a closer relationship with You, so that one day I may meet You face to face. Help me in my daily trials, and when things become more difficult, let me feel your presence in a more tangible way so that I may remember You always have my best interests in mind. Help me to love others as You love me. Amen.

Gift for Mary

I think I've finally decided what I will physically give to Mary at the end of the Consecration (Assumption, August 15th), to show her I truly am placing our fertility into her hands.

I will be giving Mary my Creighton Model charts.

I have not charted this cycle, and I will not chart this cycle. Depending on how my symptoms change or don't change (PMS, TEBB, obvious mucus changes, etc.) I may continue to not chart for the rest of the year.

I also will not give myself any ultrasounds.

This may not seem like a big deal, but for me to give over what little control I do have over understanding my fertility signs is pretty big. But I'm giving it a whirl. I don't want to stop charting indefinitely because there is a lot of information that I (and my Drs) can glean from the charting. But seeing as I won't be changing my diet again, or adding any new meds, I figure I'll be alright for the time being.

I already feel a huge weight off my shoulders!

Yesterday at Mass our priest's homily confirmed what we knew we had to do. He spoke about how each of the main players from each reading (Elijah, Paul, and Peter) had to put complete trust in God in order to hear His voice and allow it to resonate in their hearts. Peter did not lose faith when he stepped out of the boat onto the water, but rather, he lost focus. We must keep our focus on God at all times.
At the end of his homily, Father read the famous Footprints poem:

"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


It doesn't matter how many times I've read that poem. It takes my breath away each time I get to the last stanza.

Father finished up by saying that when we are overwhelmed, and have that "sinking" feeling, it is then that we have to have the faith to hand it all over to God.

That is what I am doing now.

Court, Consecration, and Crying

My anxiety is completely hormonal. I feel SO much better now, on CD 2. Like night. and. day.

I will be going on a higher dose of Naltrexone, and I'll see how that helps in this cycle. I'm not sure what dose I'll end up stopping on, but I'm starting out with 8mgs, going to 16mg, and possibly to 32mgs. My NaPro Dr said some patients even go up to 50mgs, which would be great since then I can get it filled anywhere and not just at a compounding pharmacy.

I want to kick this PMS/anxiety in the butt.

This morning (in 10 minutes, in fact), is my husband's court appointment to "settle" on the amount owed back. Unfortunately for us, the high-risk account that was opened now only has about $2,000 in it, and it was opened with $16,000. If we went forward with an actual trial, we might have been able to prove that his intent was ALWAYS to return the money, as is evidenced by his several DEPOSITS over the year he was the manager. With a good lawyer, we may have had a good shot. However, a good lawyer means good money, AND with our recent string of bad luck, the worst case scenario would be far worse than just paying the fire company thousands of dollars from our own pockets.

It makes me cringe to write those words. I just HATE that they have not only dragged my husband's (and his family's) name through the dirt, but they have also ruined our futures, and completely destroyed our finances. All for what? So that Peter Melick and George Melick could feel like big shots in town? NO ONE CARES!!!

But, we've resolved to just do whatever we need to do to put this behind us once and for all. It was a TOUGH decision, one that made us both (particularly DH) feel like we were giving up and giving in, but sometimes it takes more strength to STOP fighting than to continue fighting.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to my husband's sobs. It broke me. I hate what they have done to him.

Last night as we prayed our Consecration prayers, DH was extremely angry with God and almost refused to pray. He said "I don't even want to do this anymore!! Every single time we do the Consecration, horrible things happen to us!"

And he's right. But today when I woke up refreshed, feeling no more anxiety, and feeling spiritually renewed, I realized that it is a BLESSING that we have been given suffering during our times of intense prayer. There is no better way to pray, in my opinion, than to suffer and to suffer WELL. What a humbling blessing we've been given in this. NOT to say it was fun, exciting, or desired - but it was necessary. God makes all things new.

In the past, several times, in fact, I have offered Mary our fertility at the end of the Consecration. But last night's readings really resonated in my heart:

"In other words, we give her all that we possess both in our natural life and in our spiritual life as well as everything we shall acquire in the future in the order of nature, of grace, and of glory in heaven. This we do without any reservation, not even of a penny, a hair, or the smallest good deed. And we give for all eternity without claiming or expecting, in return for our offering and our service, any other reward than the honour of belonging to our Lord through Mary and in Mary, even though our Mother were not - as in fact she always is - the most generous and appreciative of all God's creatures."

Have I been reserving from Mary a part of my fertility? Most certainly.
Have I been expecting something in return? Highly likely.

Why should I worry? Why should I trouble myself with the hows and whys and try to figure out why on God's green earth He would NOT want us to be parents? I can see now that I have been holding back from Mary, holding steadfastly to all my stress and worry about infertility.

I will be working on putting that into her blessed hands over the next week and a half.

It's tradition to give Mary a gift, a small token as a sign of your promise to her at the end of the Consecration. Typically, I have placed flowers in front of her statue on each Feast of the Assumption (August 15th), but I am looking for other ideas for this year, to show her I REALLY mean it this time :) If you have any good ideas, please let me know!

Yesterday at the NaPro office, about an hour after I started bleeding (and, by the way, I was late and my PMS had disappeared for a few days, prompting me to test and be faced with two BFNs), a couple came in with their first pregnancy after 4 years of actively trying to conceive. It was a joyous occasion for everyone at the office, for obvious reasons, but as I performed her ultrasound it tore at my heart in a way I cannot describe. See, while this couple had been married as long as I have been, and have had infertility nearly as long, they just had their first surgery in May of this year. They conceived two months later. Hardly a comparison of apples to apples.

When I finished their exam and sent them on their way with sonograms of their beautiful 6 week old, the receptionist at our office (who suffered 10 years of infertility and 3 painful surgeries for Stage IV endo before adopting her only son) asked me how I did it: how did I greet patients day after day with a smile on my face and joy in my voice while suffering so intensely? (BTW, she knows all about our adoption issues.) I said, "Honestly, on days like today, when my period just started and I had 3 eggs washed down the drain, and finalized the fact that I will never have been pregnant in my 20s... it's a front. I don't show my inner emotions because that wouldn't be right for the patients who have cause to celebrate. I love my profession, and 27 days out of 28, my joy is real. But I do have to learn to accept the fact that God may not will for me to have children ever, and I'm working on that."

Now, there's something about a friend/co-worker/family member who knows about your infertility but has never suffered from it themselves telling you, "I'm so sorry," when they hear of your failed cycle, or a BFN, etc. It's always nice to hear the concern in their voice, and see the pain in their eyes for you.

But, it's totally different, and so much more personal, when a friend/co-worker/or family member who HAS had infertility and TRULY understands, offers you the same sentiments. The receptionist looked into my eyes, walked over, and gave me a hug. As she walked back to her desk, she wiped a tear away from her eyes which now looked anguished. I recognized in her eyes what I feel in my heart every single cycle.

And I walked into the ultrasound room, and for the first time, I cried at work.


OK, I have an update from court - DH just called and the Prosecutor has now changed his mind and asked for a FIVE year probation instead of the originally agreed upon TWO year probation. DH and his lawyer talked and decided if that is the case, they will go to court because that is the maximum amount that a charge would be on his record anyway. Perhaps this is a blessing?? Perhaps God will lead us through to a not-guilty decision??
Well, no matter what, I know we'll be ok. Jesus, I trust you. Mary, I put my worries in your hands.

Back, and Feeling... better

I just got back late last night. Being home, helping my parents, and spending time with my family was my prescription for Zoloft.

My father's procedure went really well, and it turns out this heart attack may have saved his life. The Drs said if it had gone on another two weeks with him ignoring the chest pains, he wouldn't be here. But now he's got a stent in and he's good to go, and I hope that he can keep up the good dietary changes we tried to implement for him over the weekend.

As soon as we got up there, we went to the hospital to visit. He was released the next day in the afternoon, and DH and I had already done a big shopping for "heart-healthy" foods rich in Omegas and low in fat and cholesterol. DH was an absolute Saint - he cooked every single meal from the time my father came home, and even "babysat" him and mowed the lawn for him while the rest of us attended my Aunt's wake.

The funeral for my Aunt was yesterday morning, and my Dad was given the go-ahead to attend. I did the first reading, and my Aunt's other goddaughter did the second reading, which I thought was beautiful. It was, of course, very emotional - I've made peace with her passing (though it's still such a shock at only 55 years old), but seeing my Uncle and cousins (younger than me) right in the front, breaking down during the Ave Maria and during my cousin's eloquent, heartfelt eulogy was rather draining.

My cousin had a baby in late April of this year - unplanned, out of wedlock - but now that beautiful baby girl is such a ray of light in that family, and I am happy that my Aunt got to know her granddaughter for a little while.

My Aunt and Uncle actually struggled with infertility for many years before they conceived their oldest daughter, and I so wish I had talked to her about our shared Cross. It actually struck me yesterday as I realized my Aunt's other goddaughter (her only sister's daughter) was born 2 weeks before me - and here my Aunt served as godmother only weeks apart to two babies, all the while her heart was aching for her own. I must say, I know exactly how she must have felt.

Right before I left, my mother-in-law gave me her book for the Bach flowers remedy, and she ran out to the health store to pick some up for me (at my DH's request). The only one they had in stock was the Rescue Remedy, which I think was likely the most appropriate one, and I took a few doses over the weekend. It seems to be helping. Thank you, E, for the tip on that.

I am trying to stay positive and take one day at a time. I'm telling myself repeatedly during the day "Jesus, I trust you," even if I don't believe it fully, saying it over and over helps to calm me. My husband is losing his faith, and I can hear the resentment in his voice as we recite our Consecration prayers every night... I can't say that I blame him, but I just wish God could send us SOMETHING good, to keep us moving forward and not fall into despair.

I have to thank you all for your prayers - so many people, friends, family, bloggers, clients, etc. have contacted me over the past few weeks to tell me they have felt particularly called to pray for me and my DH, and I truly believe those prayers got me through this weekend and to a higher place than where I started. I know God is trying to tell us, through all of you, that He loves us and has not abandoned us. And I'm really holding on to that.

God Bless you all. I pray my next posts will be joyful ones. Enough with the depressing ones!