I have a post I've been sitting on for a while, but there are just too many other things going on to write about at the moment.
Most notably, my marriage.
DH and I have been fighting. A lot. He's stressed about the court stuff, I'm stressed about my work schedule (which is getting lighter in a week, since I'll be leaving my job at the imaging center), we're both stressed about finances (which, despite my 3 jobs right now, are still up the creek), and of course we're both stressed about our childlessness and inability to change that status. I would say the one thing that has gotten better in the past year has been our sexual relationship, but it still has a far way to go. If you look at my charts, you'll see that 3 times a month is a good month, and of course they are all around/on Peak Day.
The relations themselves are much better and less stressful, but I think we still feel that there's so much pressure to "perform" on my fertile days that the thought of doing it on an infertile day is as silly as painting a blue wall the same shade of blue. (I've got painting on my mind today.) There's just no point.
Obviously I realize that logically and spiritually, there is most definitely a point to having relations with one's spouse regardless of the status of one's fertility. My soul knows this. But my body and mind are still catching up.
You have to understand that for us specifically as a couple, our sexual relationship has taken a HUGE blow with everything we've been through. Following the diagnosis of CT (which now we can say in retrospect was not an issue affecting our fertility), we were actually given instructions NOT to have relations unless it was during the fertile window. Psychologically, what do you think this did to us? Yup. And it took quite a while to heal that blow.
Then when we were faced with the future of possibly never being able to adopt, and not being able to foster for quite some time, we realized that if a child were to miraculously come into our lives, it COULD ONLY COME FROM MY WOMB. Psychologically, what kind of pressure do you think that put on our relations? Yup. And we are not yet fully healed from that blow.
All of this external pressure has made us both quite hardened and anxious, ready to snap at any time. Not really the type of love God had planned when we received the Sacrament of Marriage.
So, off to my priest I went. Yesterday. I spoke to him alone at first, and he really helped open my eyes to how I could best help my husband through these tough times. He recommended we come back together. As I was on my way out of the office, I said to him that I had recently finished a Novena to St. Rita, so maybe marital discourse was in order now ;) He responded, "Ohhhh, St. Rita, she's a tricky one. She will always answer your prayers, but there will always be that thorn." (For those who are not aware, St. Rita prayed to receive an ounce of the suffering Christ endured during His Passion, and God gave her a thorn in her forehead, which she bore the rest of her life on earth.) Now, I didn't realize that in answer to my prayer I would also receive a thorn!! But "timely" and "coincidence" don't quite seem to do justice to how this weekend manifested itself in my life, just after finishing her Novena.
We went back to the priest to speak with him together, and it was really wonderful.
Today has been much better, and I've also started up my daily rosaries again (last Monday), so I'm hoping that will also bring more peace to our relationship.
DH decided that at this time, since his company isn't bringing in the money we need, that he will find a full-time job as a Chef while devoting minimal time to the upkeep and maintenance of the General Contracting business. He also realizes that this will give his father a wake-up call to how much he does for the company and how little he receives in return. I found a job that I think would be perfect for him, as well as another that a friend told us about at the hotel where she works. We'll be sending in his resume tonight, so please pray for us that this works out.
In cycle news, I am P+9 or so today (haven't looked at my chart in a while). I have noticed sore bbs since P+4, but I tend to get that symptom on and off for no apparent reason.
I'm getting more and more depressed lately because 30 is just around the corner, and with this hot weather settling in, I know that milestone isn't far behind. I feel horrible complaining about 30 when many of you who have no children are older (and wiser ;) ) - but to me, 30 used to be the number I set in my mind in the first 4 years of infertility: "I will have a child by 30, I will have a child by 30..." Of course, when we first started TTC and I had just turned 25, I thought I'd be DONE by 30 ;)
Now, crossing this milestone knowing a) I still do not have children, and b) I likely won't be any closer to having children... it breaks my heart.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Moving Right Along...
Blech, I needed to get that post off of the top of my blog. I hate dwelling in our inadoption. It's enough to drive anyone batty.
So, I have this medical theory which just kinda dawned on me today. Here goes:
I spotted pretty heavily after both my HSG and my sonohysterogram, for several days. Clearly my cervix (or my "os," hahaha) doesn't like foreign instruments up in her grill, dilating and such... can you really blame her? That's a hole that wasn't meant to dilate unless a baby was about to pop through.
And this funky spotting that I've had recently has been like CLOCKWORK starting on P+2 and ending by P+4. (The reason for the sonohysterogram - because the cyclical nature of the spotting suggested hormonal origin, but my hormones are normal on P+3.)
Today is P+3. NO SPOTTING. First cycle in four. What's different about this cycle?
When I was still spotting after the procedure last Monday, it went until Wednesday, and then I had Dr B check my cervix to make sure everything was ok. The spotting at that point was mostly brown, indicating old blood, and my early post-Peak bleeding was ALSO mostly brown. Dr B. verified that there was NO ACTIVE BLEED in the cervix, so this was just old blood coming out.
Today, in the absence of my post-Peak bleeding, I remembered something else about this cycle (post-sonohysterogram). My MUCUS was better than it has been in a long time. I always have stretchy, clear, and lubricative around ovulation, but it has been a weird gummy/gluey consistency for the past 8+ cycles. But this cycle it wasn't gummy at all, and in fact, may have been the best mucus I've ever laid my eyes on :) If I do say so myself.
Could the dilating of my os (hehehe) have unplugged something that was blocking my cervical crypts, and caused some old blood to drain out and in essence "refresh" the cervix??
To add to this theory, I started to think of why it is that my bleeding WAS taking place on P+2. That would be the time of my cycle when my cervix is closing... so maybe my cervix OPENING and CLOSING on its own was causing this funky brown bleeding... which would MEAN, that my tail-end brown bleeding (TEBB, brown bleeding at the end of the menstrual flow) may actually be related to cervical dilation in the presence of a "plug" somewhere in my cervix - old blood coming out due to the dilation.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. My TEBB went away with NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING. Not Naltrexone, not progesterone, not Dr Toth's chock full o' antibiotics in every orifice - NOTHING, except for early on during treatment with Dr Toth... and that just happened to be the same cycle where he performed a CERVICAL SCRAPING, where he scraped the cervix to get rid of the old cells and calcifications.
Making sense to you now, isn't it??!
By golly, I think I'm on to something here! I can't wait to see if the next period is TEBB-free, and then I think I can prove my theory!
And then I'll have to thank Dr B for "unplugging" me!
In other news, my MIL loaned me a book that her sister bought her for her birthday. Her sister (one of many) is a psychiatrist. She bought her "On Fertile Ground - Healing Infertility." Um... yes, you read that right. My MIL's sister bought my 66-yr old MIL a book about Infertility for her birthday.
After the weirdness wore off, I started to realize how cool that actually was of my Aunt-in-law, and my MIL to be so interested in understanding what we're going through. After reading it, she told me her eyes were really opened... and she gave my DH a big hug (I haven't seen her in person since she's read it, but he has) and told him she can never fully understand, but that she understands so much better now, and she's so sorry. Isn't that so sweet?
So now I'm reading it, and I must say, she had me with the first paragraph. I don't have the book in front of me, but basically this is what she opens with:
"Infertility is like walking through a minefield. You never know when the next step will set off a grenade and you will be completely rattled to your core. To those of you reading this book as you go through the journey, you know exactly what I mean. To those of you reading this book to better understand a loved one or friend who is going through the journey, that may seem a bit overdramatic. But I assure you - it is not overdramatic AT ALL."
Whoa. Awesome.
I'm almost halfway through and it's a good read thus far.
Gotta run, my a cappella group is videotaping an audition tape for "The Sing-Off" tonight. We likely wouldn't even be able to go on the show if we miraculously made it, but it'll be fun to try anyway :)
So, I have this medical theory which just kinda dawned on me today. Here goes:
I spotted pretty heavily after both my HSG and my sonohysterogram, for several days. Clearly my cervix (or my "os," hahaha) doesn't like foreign instruments up in her grill, dilating and such... can you really blame her? That's a hole that wasn't meant to dilate unless a baby was about to pop through.
And this funky spotting that I've had recently has been like CLOCKWORK starting on P+2 and ending by P+4. (The reason for the sonohysterogram - because the cyclical nature of the spotting suggested hormonal origin, but my hormones are normal on P+3.)
Today is P+3. NO SPOTTING. First cycle in four. What's different about this cycle?
When I was still spotting after the procedure last Monday, it went until Wednesday, and then I had Dr B check my cervix to make sure everything was ok. The spotting at that point was mostly brown, indicating old blood, and my early post-Peak bleeding was ALSO mostly brown. Dr B. verified that there was NO ACTIVE BLEED in the cervix, so this was just old blood coming out.
Today, in the absence of my post-Peak bleeding, I remembered something else about this cycle (post-sonohysterogram). My MUCUS was better than it has been in a long time. I always have stretchy, clear, and lubricative around ovulation, but it has been a weird gummy/gluey consistency for the past 8+ cycles. But this cycle it wasn't gummy at all, and in fact, may have been the best mucus I've ever laid my eyes on :) If I do say so myself.
Could the dilating of my os (hehehe) have unplugged something that was blocking my cervical crypts, and caused some old blood to drain out and in essence "refresh" the cervix??
To add to this theory, I started to think of why it is that my bleeding WAS taking place on P+2. That would be the time of my cycle when my cervix is closing... so maybe my cervix OPENING and CLOSING on its own was causing this funky brown bleeding... which would MEAN, that my tail-end brown bleeding (TEBB, brown bleeding at the end of the menstrual flow) may actually be related to cervical dilation in the presence of a "plug" somewhere in my cervix - old blood coming out due to the dilation.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. My TEBB went away with NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING. Not Naltrexone, not progesterone, not Dr Toth's chock full o' antibiotics in every orifice - NOTHING, except for early on during treatment with Dr Toth... and that just happened to be the same cycle where he performed a CERVICAL SCRAPING, where he scraped the cervix to get rid of the old cells and calcifications.
Making sense to you now, isn't it??!
By golly, I think I'm on to something here! I can't wait to see if the next period is TEBB-free, and then I think I can prove my theory!
And then I'll have to thank Dr B for "unplugging" me!
In other news, my MIL loaned me a book that her sister bought her for her birthday. Her sister (one of many) is a psychiatrist. She bought her "On Fertile Ground - Healing Infertility." Um... yes, you read that right. My MIL's sister bought my 66-yr old MIL a book about Infertility for her birthday.
After the weirdness wore off, I started to realize how cool that actually was of my Aunt-in-law, and my MIL to be so interested in understanding what we're going through. After reading it, she told me her eyes were really opened... and she gave my DH a big hug (I haven't seen her in person since she's read it, but he has) and told him she can never fully understand, but that she understands so much better now, and she's so sorry. Isn't that so sweet?
So now I'm reading it, and I must say, she had me with the first paragraph. I don't have the book in front of me, but basically this is what she opens with:
"Infertility is like walking through a minefield. You never know when the next step will set off a grenade and you will be completely rattled to your core. To those of you reading this book as you go through the journey, you know exactly what I mean. To those of you reading this book to better understand a loved one or friend who is going through the journey, that may seem a bit overdramatic. But I assure you - it is not overdramatic AT ALL."
Whoa. Awesome.
I'm almost halfway through and it's a good read thus far.
Gotta run, my a cappella group is videotaping an audition tape for "The Sing-Off" tonight. We likely wouldn't even be able to go on the show if we miraculously made it, but it'll be fun to try anyway :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Update on Court Proceedings
I don't have the energy to link to previous posts, nor do I really want to dig up all of those horrible memories from last year, but many of you may remember that DH was arrested and accused of stealing money from the banquet hall of his volunteer fire company. This happened with impeccable timing, just as our adoption agency was making the final decision whether or not we could proceed with the Home Study (we had only the home visit left).
Well, DH's lawyers assured him that this case was a perfect candidate for PTI, pre-trial intervention, and we prayed like mad for that. (PTI would mean that this would be wiped off his permanent record in 2 years.) Then the fire company (under the influence of a power-hungry, angry, bloated old man P.eter Melick) wrote a letter to the prosecutor pleading with them to NOT offer PTI in this case. Even after I wrote a heartfelt letter explaining the implications of their decision, and had it read at a meeting, only 4 firemen voted in our favor.
A glimmer of hope came when DH's lawyer became the new Prosecutor for the County. Obviously, he was no longer allowed to represent DH, and it would have been a legality to continue the case in the same County, so it was moved to a different one. A County where (we thought) the miserable old hick didn't have as much clout.
Well, last week, DH was informed that he has been turned down for PTI. After the court date, he and his lawyer were given all of the supporting information, which included a letter written by P.eter Melick to the new County's Prosecutor. In the letter, he specifies that DH never even came forward to apologize (1st of all, he didn't do anything to apologize for, and 2nd of all, his lawyers have specifically directed him NOT to speak to anyone in the fire company, and THEY KNOW THIS!) - and that's not all. He urges the Prosecutor to punish DH to the full extent of the law, with JAIL TIME.
Lord, please deliver us.
We still have the opportunity to push forward with appeals and such, and DH's lawyer is thoroughly confused by how much animosity the Prosecutor seems to have for a guy he never met (DH)... it's as if he's being paid to put DH behind bars, and that has now become his top priority.
We, of course, are sickened by this, but the likelihood of DH acually going to prison is very low. I had all but given up hope on the PTI, anyway, so that is not a big surprise to me.
And the best part is that we STILL cannot begin any sort of foster program/training until this is 100% settled and decided. It has already been 1.5 years. There's no end in sight.
Lord, please deliver us.
A friend recently told me she didn't need her reproductive organs to grow her family (indicating that adoption is how she would continue to grow it). I can only say the exact opposite. I NEED my reproductive organs if I ever want to be a mother... and so far, after 5 years of the most aggressive treatments I have yet seen anyone pursue, they are still dormant.
Lord, please deliver us.
I really can't even describe how much pain this causes me. I try to push it from my mind most of the time, but of course while writing a blog post about it that's difficult to do. This is a worse pain that any pain ever brought on by infertility. When I allow myself to experience it (which isn't often), I feel like I'm going through a Passion of my own. It is excruciating.
Lord, please deliver us.
Well, DH's lawyers assured him that this case was a perfect candidate for PTI, pre-trial intervention, and we prayed like mad for that. (PTI would mean that this would be wiped off his permanent record in 2 years.) Then the fire company (under the influence of a power-hungry, angry, bloated old man P.eter Melick) wrote a letter to the prosecutor pleading with them to NOT offer PTI in this case. Even after I wrote a heartfelt letter explaining the implications of their decision, and had it read at a meeting, only 4 firemen voted in our favor.
A glimmer of hope came when DH's lawyer became the new Prosecutor for the County. Obviously, he was no longer allowed to represent DH, and it would have been a legality to continue the case in the same County, so it was moved to a different one. A County where (we thought) the miserable old hick didn't have as much clout.
Well, last week, DH was informed that he has been turned down for PTI. After the court date, he and his lawyer were given all of the supporting information, which included a letter written by P.eter Melick to the new County's Prosecutor. In the letter, he specifies that DH never even came forward to apologize (1st of all, he didn't do anything to apologize for, and 2nd of all, his lawyers have specifically directed him NOT to speak to anyone in the fire company, and THEY KNOW THIS!) - and that's not all. He urges the Prosecutor to punish DH to the full extent of the law, with JAIL TIME.
Lord, please deliver us.
We still have the opportunity to push forward with appeals and such, and DH's lawyer is thoroughly confused by how much animosity the Prosecutor seems to have for a guy he never met (DH)... it's as if he's being paid to put DH behind bars, and that has now become his top priority.
We, of course, are sickened by this, but the likelihood of DH acually going to prison is very low. I had all but given up hope on the PTI, anyway, so that is not a big surprise to me.
And the best part is that we STILL cannot begin any sort of foster program/training until this is 100% settled and decided. It has already been 1.5 years. There's no end in sight.
Lord, please deliver us.
A friend recently told me she didn't need her reproductive organs to grow her family (indicating that adoption is how she would continue to grow it). I can only say the exact opposite. I NEED my reproductive organs if I ever want to be a mother... and so far, after 5 years of the most aggressive treatments I have yet seen anyone pursue, they are still dormant.
Lord, please deliver us.
I really can't even describe how much pain this causes me. I try to push it from my mind most of the time, but of course while writing a blog post about it that's difficult to do. This is a worse pain that any pain ever brought on by infertility. When I allow myself to experience it (which isn't often), I feel like I'm going through a Passion of my own. It is excruciating.
Lord, please deliver us.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sonohysterogram
There are SO many things I need to blog about, and I just don't have time to write these days.
I did want to give you all a brief update on my sonohysterogram (saline sonogram) from Monday, along with a really funny story that came from it.
So, the Saline Sonogram is not at all like the HSG, as I was expecting. During the HSG, the really uncomfortable/crampy part is when the dye gets pushed in the uterus and through the tubes, and that lasts about 30 seconds max. Then afterwards, you are drippy and slightly crampy like the day before your period.
Well, the saline sonogram was uncomfortable from the moment my internal cervical os was dilated and the catheter was put in, all the way through, and I was crampy for several hours afterwards. The procedure itself lasted about 5 minutes, but felt like 15. I felt really bad for my Dr (employer), because he could see how much discomfort I was in, and didn't want to hurt me. And in an effort to not hurt me, he didn't put a ton of pressure on the cathether, so when the saline went in, my endometrial lining just BARELY filled up and dilated. It was enough to see that there were no obvious polyps or abnormalities, though.
When the saline part was done, Dr B. asked me if I wanted to do the endometrial biopsy at that time - he went on to explain that it was not going to be any more pain that what I was already experiencing, and that the risks of the biopsy were the same as the risks of the sonogram, yada yada... all the while I'm crampy and uncomfortable and squeezing DH's hand. I was seriously about to tell him, "Look, either DO IT NOW, or GET THAT THING OUT OF ME, let's not have a 5 minute discussion about this!!!" (I didn't say that ;))
So, the funny story:
Before the saline injection, Dr B did a regular transvaginal ultrasound to measure the uterus, lining, and ovaries. My cervix was already dilated on cycle day 9 (with cervical mucus), and my friend/the nurse J was watching the ultrasound because she was going to be working the machine while Dr B did the injection. She asked why part of the image was moving and other parts were not. I told her that was bowel activity - peristalsis - that was moving. I pointed out the cervical crypts to her on the screen (it's WILD that you can see the actual crypts, where the mucus is made!), and she was impressed (she's a Practitioner, too).
Later on that evening, I was talking to DH about the procedure, and asked if he basically understood what he had seen on the screen (I explained the procedure to him beforehand).
DH said: "So, your friend J... she's a nurse??" He seemed a little incredulous about it.
I said: "Yes, she's a nurse and a Practitioner. Why?"
DH: "Well... I swear, she asked if that was the ass up on the screen..."
Me: "WHAT???!!! NOOOO I'm positive she did NOT ask that!! What are you talking about??!!"
DH: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure she did... right after you pointed out the bowel to her... she asked if it was the ass. I was really surprised that she would call it that, and not use a more, um, medical term."
I racked my brains. What was he talking about?? Then suddenly it dawned on me.
Me: "Wait. Could she have said 'Is that the os?'"
DH: "Oh. Yeah, maybe. What's an os?"
Me: "It's the opening into the cervix!"
DH: "Oh. OK, well that makes me feel better. Because I was wondering why no one else was as shocked as I was. You and Dr B were both kinda like, 'Yeah,' like you didn't really hear her."
This is the man I live with. I could NOT stop laughing all night, and when the next day I was spotting a lot and Dr B checked my cervix quickly to make sure I didn't have any active bleeding, I almost fell off the table when he said, "OK, I can see your os..." OMG, I will never be able to hear that word again without thinking 'ass'!!!
I did want to give you all a brief update on my sonohysterogram (saline sonogram) from Monday, along with a really funny story that came from it.
So, the Saline Sonogram is not at all like the HSG, as I was expecting. During the HSG, the really uncomfortable/crampy part is when the dye gets pushed in the uterus and through the tubes, and that lasts about 30 seconds max. Then afterwards, you are drippy and slightly crampy like the day before your period.
Well, the saline sonogram was uncomfortable from the moment my internal cervical os was dilated and the catheter was put in, all the way through, and I was crampy for several hours afterwards. The procedure itself lasted about 5 minutes, but felt like 15. I felt really bad for my Dr (employer), because he could see how much discomfort I was in, and didn't want to hurt me. And in an effort to not hurt me, he didn't put a ton of pressure on the cathether, so when the saline went in, my endometrial lining just BARELY filled up and dilated. It was enough to see that there were no obvious polyps or abnormalities, though.
When the saline part was done, Dr B. asked me if I wanted to do the endometrial biopsy at that time - he went on to explain that it was not going to be any more pain that what I was already experiencing, and that the risks of the biopsy were the same as the risks of the sonogram, yada yada... all the while I'm crampy and uncomfortable and squeezing DH's hand. I was seriously about to tell him, "Look, either DO IT NOW, or GET THAT THING OUT OF ME, let's not have a 5 minute discussion about this!!!" (I didn't say that ;))
So, the funny story:
Before the saline injection, Dr B did a regular transvaginal ultrasound to measure the uterus, lining, and ovaries. My cervix was already dilated on cycle day 9 (with cervical mucus), and my friend/the nurse J was watching the ultrasound because she was going to be working the machine while Dr B did the injection. She asked why part of the image was moving and other parts were not. I told her that was bowel activity - peristalsis - that was moving. I pointed out the cervical crypts to her on the screen (it's WILD that you can see the actual crypts, where the mucus is made!), and she was impressed (she's a Practitioner, too).
Later on that evening, I was talking to DH about the procedure, and asked if he basically understood what he had seen on the screen (I explained the procedure to him beforehand).
DH said: "So, your friend J... she's a nurse??" He seemed a little incredulous about it.
I said: "Yes, she's a nurse and a Practitioner. Why?"
DH: "Well... I swear, she asked if that was the ass up on the screen..."
Me: "WHAT???!!! NOOOO I'm positive she did NOT ask that!! What are you talking about??!!"
DH: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure she did... right after you pointed out the bowel to her... she asked if it was the ass. I was really surprised that she would call it that, and not use a more, um, medical term."
I racked my brains. What was he talking about?? Then suddenly it dawned on me.
Me: "Wait. Could she have said 'Is that the os?'"
DH: "Oh. Yeah, maybe. What's an os?"
Me: "It's the opening into the cervix!"
DH: "Oh. OK, well that makes me feel better. Because I was wondering why no one else was as shocked as I was. You and Dr B were both kinda like, 'Yeah,' like you didn't really hear her."
This is the man I live with. I could NOT stop laughing all night, and when the next day I was spotting a lot and Dr B checked my cervix quickly to make sure I didn't have any active bleeding, I almost fell off the table when he said, "OK, I can see your os..." OMG, I will never be able to hear that word again without thinking 'ass'!!!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
TCIE is losing steam
I have nothing particularly exciting to report today, but I am still rather excited to be blogging, because tonight is the FIRST BLOG POST WRITTEN FROM MY HOUSE!
Yes, we have moved into the 21st Century. We have internet. And cable :)
I thought about posting some progress pictures of the house, but I had second thoughts and decided to post pictures when the three main rooms are complete (dining room, kitchen, parlour). That way I can show the progress pictures NEXT TO the completion pictures and it's more impressive.
Anyway.
I was all set to get a vaccine for Rubella on Friday when I chickened out last minute. The first set-back came when I realized that the Rubella-alone vaccine is on national backorder, so I would need an MMR. I have heard not-so-great things about the MMR specifically. But seeing as my Clear Passage therapy is in June and I likely cannot conceive before then, I thought that taking the month of May off of trying to conceive would make sense. (They advise that you do not get pregnant the month of the Rubella vaccination.)
Then I spoke to Sew.
Word to the wise: don't ask Sew her opinion unless you REALLY want it ;)
I love her to death. She knocked some sense into me, and I am 99% sure now that I will not get the vaccine.
Aside from the research, there were actually other "incidental" reasons for me not wanting to take the vaccine and avoid this cycle. Reasons that I won't elaborate on now, but that recently came to my attention and made me think that perhaps I should be trying to conceive this cycle, despite the obvious ever-barren state of my womb.
So. While I am in the health field, I will not be in hospital settings anymore once June arrives, and the new NaPro Center opens its doors (private office building off-site from the hospital) - and the likelihood of my catching Rubella while pregnant (and, well, let's face it, the likelihood of my being PREGNANT) are so extremely low.
Another boring post from TCIE, but stay tuned because I have a good one brewing... maybe tomorrow...
Yes, we have moved into the 21st Century. We have internet. And cable :)
I thought about posting some progress pictures of the house, but I had second thoughts and decided to post pictures when the three main rooms are complete (dining room, kitchen, parlour). That way I can show the progress pictures NEXT TO the completion pictures and it's more impressive.
Anyway.
I was all set to get a vaccine for Rubella on Friday when I chickened out last minute. The first set-back came when I realized that the Rubella-alone vaccine is on national backorder, so I would need an MMR. I have heard not-so-great things about the MMR specifically. But seeing as my Clear Passage therapy is in June and I likely cannot conceive before then, I thought that taking the month of May off of trying to conceive would make sense. (They advise that you do not get pregnant the month of the Rubella vaccination.)
Then I spoke to Sew.
Word to the wise: don't ask Sew her opinion unless you REALLY want it ;)
I love her to death. She knocked some sense into me, and I am 99% sure now that I will not get the vaccine.
Aside from the research, there were actually other "incidental" reasons for me not wanting to take the vaccine and avoid this cycle. Reasons that I won't elaborate on now, but that recently came to my attention and made me think that perhaps I should be trying to conceive this cycle, despite the obvious ever-barren state of my womb.
So. While I am in the health field, I will not be in hospital settings anymore once June arrives, and the new NaPro Center opens its doors (private office building off-site from the hospital) - and the likelihood of my catching Rubella while pregnant (and, well, let's face it, the likelihood of my being PREGNANT) are so extremely low.
Another boring post from TCIE, but stay tuned because I have a good one brewing... maybe tomorrow...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Can I Run Out of Hope?
After a Mother's Day from hell (from humiliation at Mass to dealing with my SIL to coming home to AF a day early), I am feeling very... drained. Infertility has just left me utterly drained to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. This is NOT like me. I am not a quitter. But I am feeling so numb from all the face-slapping every single cycle. There are no infertility "nerves" left to feel anything other than exhausted.
I am still looking forward to the Clear Passage Therapy next month, but not with the same passion I once had. Might have a little bit to do with the fact that I will be no-pot-to-piss-in-broke afterwards.
For the past 2 months, I have been seeing hawks everywhere. Here's what I wrote in a post about Hawks back in 2009:
Medicine cards are like Tarot cards, but they have animals on them and each animal signifies something. So he looked up Hawk, and this is what it said:
"Hawk: Messenger. Hawk medicine teaches you to be observant, to look at your surroundings. Observe the obvious in everything you do. Life is sending you signals...
If you pulled the Hawk card, then right now a clue about the magic of life is being brought to you...
The Ancients recognized this magnificent bird of prey as a messenger bringing tidings to their Earth Walk from the world of the grandfathers and grandmothers who lived before them. If Hawk were to magically cry, it was a sign to beware or be aware. The cry could mark the coming of a warring tribe, the birth of a child, or the celebration of counting coup. Hawk's cry signalled the need for the beholder to heighten awareness and receive a message."
I've always seen them when I'm at my most vulnerable, and I know this is God's special way of showing me He hasn't forgotten me. I know He is working in me, and I know that my Resurrection Day will come, with or without children. But that doesn't change the pain I feel at not being able to bear children, to adopt children, or to foster children. The pain is so real, so acute at times, that it is hard to breathe.
Kneeling at the pews on Sunday for Mother's Day Mass, I almost felt like I was committing a sacrilege as I whipped through my three prayers at record speed, with no emotion, except a hint of bitterness. Is it better not to pray at times like that? I felt like a bratty kid who's told to finish his supper, so he stuffs the food in his mouth and then spits it back out. I was mad. Fuming. Why has God not heard me? I wanted to know. I wanted answers. And I wasn't going to pray until I got some.
I feel a bit better today, because as we all know, CD 1 is the lowest it gets physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You can only go up from CD 1. But I'm still not satisfied.
I'm reminded of my early high school years, when I used to pray SO HARD that the boy I had a big crush on would someday be my boyfriend. I would BEG God to just somehow let me know if I were going to be his prom date the following year. I wished I had a crystal ball to look into, just to be able to see if I were with him in the limo or not. I felt like I couldn't get rid of that crazy teenage-in-love angst without knowing one way or another.
I did wind up going to the prom the following year with the boy. But I wasn't given that promise, or that glimpse into the future, by God. Instead, I had to go through my entire junior year wondering, hoping, and waiting.
Now, as 30 looms its ugly head, I hope and pray that God will give me a glimpse into the future - will I ever have a child to call my own? I know I can go on and live a joyful, peaceful life if I knew, EITHER WAY. It's the not knowing that kills me.
I don't want my 30s and 40s to be a 20-Year Two-Week-Wait.
I have such little hope left.
I am still looking forward to the Clear Passage Therapy next month, but not with the same passion I once had. Might have a little bit to do with the fact that I will be no-pot-to-piss-in-broke afterwards.
For the past 2 months, I have been seeing hawks everywhere. Here's what I wrote in a post about Hawks back in 2009:
Medicine cards are like Tarot cards, but they have animals on them and each animal signifies something. So he looked up Hawk, and this is what it said:
"Hawk: Messenger. Hawk medicine teaches you to be observant, to look at your surroundings. Observe the obvious in everything you do. Life is sending you signals...
If you pulled the Hawk card, then right now a clue about the magic of life is being brought to you...
The Ancients recognized this magnificent bird of prey as a messenger bringing tidings to their Earth Walk from the world of the grandfathers and grandmothers who lived before them. If Hawk were to magically cry, it was a sign to beware or be aware. The cry could mark the coming of a warring tribe, the birth of a child, or the celebration of counting coup. Hawk's cry signalled the need for the beholder to heighten awareness and receive a message."
I've always seen them when I'm at my most vulnerable, and I know this is God's special way of showing me He hasn't forgotten me. I know He is working in me, and I know that my Resurrection Day will come, with or without children. But that doesn't change the pain I feel at not being able to bear children, to adopt children, or to foster children. The pain is so real, so acute at times, that it is hard to breathe.
Kneeling at the pews on Sunday for Mother's Day Mass, I almost felt like I was committing a sacrilege as I whipped through my three prayers at record speed, with no emotion, except a hint of bitterness. Is it better not to pray at times like that? I felt like a bratty kid who's told to finish his supper, so he stuffs the food in his mouth and then spits it back out. I was mad. Fuming. Why has God not heard me? I wanted to know. I wanted answers. And I wasn't going to pray until I got some.
I feel a bit better today, because as we all know, CD 1 is the lowest it gets physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You can only go up from CD 1. But I'm still not satisfied.
I'm reminded of my early high school years, when I used to pray SO HARD that the boy I had a big crush on would someday be my boyfriend. I would BEG God to just somehow let me know if I were going to be his prom date the following year. I wished I had a crystal ball to look into, just to be able to see if I were with him in the limo or not. I felt like I couldn't get rid of that crazy teenage-in-love angst without knowing one way or another.
I did wind up going to the prom the following year with the boy. But I wasn't given that promise, or that glimpse into the future, by God. Instead, I had to go through my entire junior year wondering, hoping, and waiting.
Now, as 30 looms its ugly head, I hope and pray that God will give me a glimpse into the future - will I ever have a child to call my own? I know I can go on and live a joyful, peaceful life if I knew, EITHER WAY. It's the not knowing that kills me.
I don't want my 30s and 40s to be a 20-Year Two-Week-Wait.
I have such little hope left.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Big Fat Double Negative
After another BFN yesterday morning, I decided to plunge headfirst into finalizing all the plans for June's Clear Passage Therapy in Florida. A good blog friend has generously offered discount plane tickets, and another good IRL friend (whose NaPro baby we will serve as godparents to in October!!) is letting us use her hotel discount since she gets a friends & family rate. These are HUGE, since we are really in financial dire straits at the moment... and did I mention the therapy itself is $5,200?
I won't lie and say I wasn't devastated by the BFN. But I have to keep reminding myself that a miracle has taken place - 5 years ago, my body wouldn't, couldn't ovulate on its own. After surgery and some medication for PCOS, it ovulated normally. Weaning off of the meds, it continued ovulating normally... and this past cycle, it ovulated TWO EGGS on its own, without medication. Yes, I can see that things are improving, and I am thrilled with that. But it still hurts like hell that when OTHER people rejoice in miracles and blessings, they usually aren't rejoicing in the fact that their ovary worked the way it was designed to. Others get to rejoice in pregnancies and adoptions. I have to settle for rejoicing in the mundane:
"Yay, my husband didn't get arrested today!"
"Praise God, none of my friends or pets have died this month!"
"Halleluia, I ovulated!"
I really should make it a rule that I don't blog when I'm PMSing. These aren't exactly my most hopeful or inspiring posts ;)
I won't lie and say I wasn't devastated by the BFN. But I have to keep reminding myself that a miracle has taken place - 5 years ago, my body wouldn't, couldn't ovulate on its own. After surgery and some medication for PCOS, it ovulated normally. Weaning off of the meds, it continued ovulating normally... and this past cycle, it ovulated TWO EGGS on its own, without medication. Yes, I can see that things are improving, and I am thrilled with that. But it still hurts like hell that when OTHER people rejoice in miracles and blessings, they usually aren't rejoicing in the fact that their ovary worked the way it was designed to. Others get to rejoice in pregnancies and adoptions. I have to settle for rejoicing in the mundane:
"Yay, my husband didn't get arrested today!"
"Praise God, none of my friends or pets have died this month!"
"Halleluia, I ovulated!"
I really should make it a rule that I don't blog when I'm PMSing. These aren't exactly my most hopeful or inspiring posts ;)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
On Infertility and Adoption
Every single person on the face of the planet does it. Including me. When you hear of a couple suffering from infertility, or inability to maintain a pregnancy (recurrent miscarriages), your mind automatically goes there: "Why don't they just adopt?" It's a natural human instinct - to want to solve the "problem" of childlessness, and to want to ease the pain of the childless couple. It comes from a good place inside. But here, I will try to explain why those thoughts should STAY in that good place inside, and never be spoken.
First of all, I think everyone who has been through the adoption process, or knows someone close to them who has, will attest to the fact that there is no "just" about "just adopting." On the contrary, it is a lengthy process that will humble the most confident and able among us. The most intimate details of your life will be examined: your childhood, your relationship with your spouse (including sexual), your finances, your home... all for a person you barely know to judge. Don't get me wrong- I don't believe this process is flawed in and of itself, and God bless the Social Workers who work day in and day out to ensure that the children involved get the very best they deserve. And, I know of NO adoptive parent who has said, "You know, given the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't do it... it was just too grueling!!" But, the process certainly is not for the faint of heart. And it can take years of heartache.
Process aside, I think that when we as humans consider adoption as the natural follow-up to infertility, we underestimate God's hand in our suffering. St Paul said that in his weakness He was made perfect - and it is only through the darkness that God can truly bring out His glorious light, only in the suffering that He can truly show His goodness. God is at work in each and every one of us, and He is HARD at work in all of those who suffer. I submit as solid proof of this fact my own journey over the past 5 years.
Mr TCIE and I have been open to God's will in our lives since we married 5 years ago, and we hoped and prayed that His will would include children. We were unlike many couples I know in that we had felt called to adopt before we were even engaged. Childless living was not even an option, nor did it ever cross our minds, before we married.
Now, God's hand in our life is so evident. And never was it felt more than in our darkest hour - from 2009 through 2010. Through our suffering, God has found ways to bring forth the Truth, and to use us as instruments in proclaiming His good news. We have found, despite (or better, because of) the cross we've carried, joy and peace. Yes, we still suffer from childlessness, but we have hope that His will is greater than anything we could ever envision for our own lives.
When you suggest or ask about adoption of the couple who has not been called to adopt, you add insult to injury. I can safely venture a guess that in the 21st Century, most if not all couples know what adoption is, and if they are childless, they've already "looked into" it. When you suggest or ask a couple about adoption when they are already pursuing it, you put them on the spot because there are so many unknowns and uncertainties about the process. And when you suggest or ask about adoption of the couple who cannot adopt due to medical or personal reasons, you pour salt and lemon juice into a very deep, open wound. Your best bet is to offer your silent support on the subject of childlessness, unless the couple brings up adoption first.
Some childless couples will feel the call to adopt. Others may not get that call, and may instead feel called to childless living. Still others may receive the call to adopt many years from now. And some may have a surprise pregnancy in their future, in God's time. Each plan is paved out by God, and each plan is specific to those two people.
This is what God wants to do for each individual couple (is that an oxymoron?) who suffers with infertility/childlessness. He wants us to deepen our faith, grow in His love, and become His hands on earth. Our focus as humans should not be on a pregnancy or an adoption as the "result" at the end of the infertile couple's suffering, but rather, on life everlasting. Should a couple adopt children or conceive after years of infertility, all glory and praise be to He who gives life - but these are blessings only, NOT the Resurrection of the cross of childlessness. Our Resurrection will come in heaven, not on this earth.
Lastly, we do a great disservice to adoption when we automatically connect it to infertility, and don't honor it for the beautiful and amazing blessing it is on its own. Logically, our human minds will always connect the two. But in our words and actions, they should remain two separate and distinct entities.
First of all, I think everyone who has been through the adoption process, or knows someone close to them who has, will attest to the fact that there is no "just" about "just adopting." On the contrary, it is a lengthy process that will humble the most confident and able among us. The most intimate details of your life will be examined: your childhood, your relationship with your spouse (including sexual), your finances, your home... all for a person you barely know to judge. Don't get me wrong- I don't believe this process is flawed in and of itself, and God bless the Social Workers who work day in and day out to ensure that the children involved get the very best they deserve. And, I know of NO adoptive parent who has said, "You know, given the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't do it... it was just too grueling!!" But, the process certainly is not for the faint of heart. And it can take years of heartache.
Process aside, I think that when we as humans consider adoption as the natural follow-up to infertility, we underestimate God's hand in our suffering. St Paul said that in his weakness He was made perfect - and it is only through the darkness that God can truly bring out His glorious light, only in the suffering that He can truly show His goodness. God is at work in each and every one of us, and He is HARD at work in all of those who suffer. I submit as solid proof of this fact my own journey over the past 5 years.
Mr TCIE and I have been open to God's will in our lives since we married 5 years ago, and we hoped and prayed that His will would include children. We were unlike many couples I know in that we had felt called to adopt before we were even engaged. Childless living was not even an option, nor did it ever cross our minds, before we married.
Now, God's hand in our life is so evident. And never was it felt more than in our darkest hour - from 2009 through 2010. Through our suffering, God has found ways to bring forth the Truth, and to use us as instruments in proclaiming His good news. We have found, despite (or better, because of) the cross we've carried, joy and peace. Yes, we still suffer from childlessness, but we have hope that His will is greater than anything we could ever envision for our own lives.
When you suggest or ask about adoption of the couple who has not been called to adopt, you add insult to injury. I can safely venture a guess that in the 21st Century, most if not all couples know what adoption is, and if they are childless, they've already "looked into" it. When you suggest or ask a couple about adoption when they are already pursuing it, you put them on the spot because there are so many unknowns and uncertainties about the process. And when you suggest or ask about adoption of the couple who cannot adopt due to medical or personal reasons, you pour salt and lemon juice into a very deep, open wound. Your best bet is to offer your silent support on the subject of childlessness, unless the couple brings up adoption first.
Some childless couples will feel the call to adopt. Others may not get that call, and may instead feel called to childless living. Still others may receive the call to adopt many years from now. And some may have a surprise pregnancy in their future, in God's time. Each plan is paved out by God, and each plan is specific to those two people.
This is what God wants to do for each individual couple (is that an oxymoron?) who suffers with infertility/childlessness. He wants us to deepen our faith, grow in His love, and become His hands on earth. Our focus as humans should not be on a pregnancy or an adoption as the "result" at the end of the infertile couple's suffering, but rather, on life everlasting. Should a couple adopt children or conceive after years of infertility, all glory and praise be to He who gives life - but these are blessings only, NOT the Resurrection of the cross of childlessness. Our Resurrection will come in heaven, not on this earth.
Lastly, we do a great disservice to adoption when we automatically connect it to infertility, and don't honor it for the beautiful and amazing blessing it is on its own. Logically, our human minds will always connect the two. But in our words and actions, they should remain two separate and distinct entities.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Hysterosonogram, aka Sonohysterogram, aka Saline Sonogram, aka What's in My Future
I had my appointment with my new boss/newest NaPro Dr today to discuss the weird P+2-P+4 bleeding I've had the past three cycles. He suspects it is hormone-related (estrogen drop), but wants to do a saline sonogram. Blech. I certainly did NOT have fun with my HSG, and I've heard the saline sonograms are even less pleasant. The instrument he uses allows him to take a small sample (biopsy) from the lining at the same time as the sonogram, so he's going to do that as well. Lovely. But hopefully it will yield some answers. He did say he does NOT suspect cancer, but we'll look for signs of hyperplasia.
I have such little time to post anymore these days, and I miss it!! So many posts are running around in my head, and hopefully soon I'll have the chance to post one of them. In particular, I would like to address the Adoption-Infertility connection which is so prevalent in our society, and showed true once again in the comments of the latest article on Catholic Infertility on "National Catholic Register." But I want to give this topic ample time - which I don't have right now.
So hopefully sometime in the near future that post will come through, as well as some much-anticipated house photos as we near completion of the dining room and kitchen :)
Keep praying that I will have reason to cancel my sonohysterogram, please!!! (Or two reasons!)
I have such little time to post anymore these days, and I miss it!! So many posts are running around in my head, and hopefully soon I'll have the chance to post one of them. In particular, I would like to address the Adoption-Infertility connection which is so prevalent in our society, and showed true once again in the comments of the latest article on Catholic Infertility on "National Catholic Register." But I want to give this topic ample time - which I don't have right now.
So hopefully sometime in the near future that post will come through, as well as some much-anticipated house photos as we near completion of the dining room and kitchen :)
Keep praying that I will have reason to cancel my sonohysterogram, please!!! (Or two reasons!)
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