My best friend had an announcement early this week. I need not tell you what the announcement was. The majority of you read it for yourselves.
My best friend is Sew Hormonal. Yes, a person I met online became my best friend in the world before I ever laid eyes on her and ruled out that she was a troll, a rapist, a murderer or a psycho. (I've ruled most of those out by now.) One of the very worst pains in my life was when Sew lost her first baby to miscarriage... I cannot express how horrible I felt at that time, knowing as her Creighton Practitioner, perhaps I could have done something to avoid it. Guilt and anguish consumed me for weeks. Hardly as long as they consumed poor Sew.
I was thrilled to learn when Sew became pregnant again, after finding thyroid cancer and having a complete thyroidectomy (nothing is ever "simple" for Sew Hormonal!) - and that baby would become my goddaughter later that year. The pain of guilt that washed over me with Sew's first pregnancy has been washed away with the disappointment of not getting to see my unbelievably adorable little stinker of a goddaughter whenever I want to... a much lesser pain, of course.
When I heard about Sew's latest pregnancy, I was tickled pink (and yes, I'm already putting my vote in for another GIRL) - I was giddy on the phone with her, but I wasn't at all surprised. I had a feeling she would be blessed with abundant fertility after the years of torture she dealt with. But I also knew that... well... she's not TCIE. And if you're not TCIE... you're bound to get pregnant. And get pregnant again. And adopt. And adopt again. Known fact here, people.
I took the news in stride, and went about my day. I received two text messages from other wonderful friends from the blogs, asking if I was "ok." Honestly, I had no idea what they meant, and my first thought was, "Did I post something on my blog about something that was supposed to be happening today?? Did I completely forget about something??" I texted one friend back, and spoke to the other on the phone for a while. To both, I assured them (and I wasn't lying) that I was a-ok, and not only that, but as Sew's Creighton Practitioner, I took full and complete credit for this pregnancy :) (Yes, I am joking. Somewhat ;) )
The remainder of the day passed. I went to my 2nd job and told my boss about my best friend, gave her a brief synopsis of her vast history of medical issues, and she congratulated Sew. When DH came home, I told him the happy news that our godbaby was a big sister. But something was different this time. When I told DH, I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't find the words to tell him right away. I found myself fumbling for words, saying, "I have good news... I'm really happy about it... I just had a bad day..." I was completely overcome in that moment, with a plethora of emotions. What was going on with me??? Where did this suddenly come from??
I finally spit the words out, continuing to reiterate how happy I was and that I was just overtired and upset about work stress, etc... but I realized it was myself I was trying to convince, not DH. He saw right through it.
"You know, it's ok to be upset about this," he told me.
Don't be ridiculous! Me?! Upset about my best friend kicking infertility's ass?!!! Heck no!
Or maybe... yes?
I began to cry. And I mean - CRY. Two hours later, it had escalated to the point of snot all over my face and hyperventilating, and popping 2 Ativan (and no, this was NOT prior to intercourse as directed!) so that I could finally go to sleep. DH was at a loss. He was so worried.
What I was realizing that night was that my BEST FRIEND was pregnant. OK, so some of you may be thinking, "Well, Duh! You were just realizing that 14 hours later?" - but what hit me was all of the implications of what that meant. My best friend, who carried the same cross as me for so long (and even carried mine for me in 2009 through prayer... oh, silly girl, lol!) had somehow maintained the friendship that so many others have moved on from after becoming a mother. We were still, despite all odds, able to relate to each other and meet each other where we currently were, across the Schism.
Now, she was pregnant again. I suddenly became very aware of that HUGE divide between us - how the next 9 months, she will find absolutely no support from me ("um, yeah, I have no idea what you're going through and how to help you with that... but let me tell you about this saurkraut I found in the health food store!")- and beyond that - how will I be able to relate to her and be there for her as she raises two children under 2? And it doesn't stop there. I'm sure she'll be receiving a homemade bib in the mail that reads "10 of 10" in no time. And with each pregnancy, we will move further and further apart.
I know all of you Moms out there are shaking your heads and saying, "Not so! It absolutely doesn't have to be like that!"
I know all of you barren and childless ones are nodding in agreement.
But my tears were not all about my perception of a friendship lost.
They were also steemed in jealousy. And above all else - anger. Riproaring, wanna-punch-someone-in-the-face-repeatedly anger.
I am so incredibly mad at God that it hurts. On so many levels, it hurts. Why, why does He send me a support group of people only to tear them away from me? Why does He give me this cross, offer me help in the people around me who also carry the same cross, and then lift their crosses right in front of my eyes and shower them with incessant blessings?!! I envision all the women around me opening present after present after present, finding a beautiful baby inside each one, and then haphazardly tossing the rest of the package away - but what they don't realize is that each box also contains a 100 lb. weight, which, when thrown to the side, lands right smack on top of the cross on my shoulders.
The anger runs deep. While I am technically feeling better now at the end of the week, I can still summon that anger at any time, because it's not far under the surface. The following morning I went to the chapel at work, sat in front of the crucifix, and proceeded to tell God just how mad I was at Him. The audacity! I can't even believe I'm sharing this with you all, but I actually did yell at God, while focusing on the image of His only Son, put to death on a cross for ME. You'd think the guilt of admitting that in a public forum would force me to repent and ask forgiveness... nope. I'm still piping mad.
I have so many things going on right now, that I know I'm hypersensitive. Through my ugly sobs the other night, I kept screaming, "I'm not even PMSing, what the bleep?!?!?!" But now that these emotions have been stirred up, I know I need to address them. As DH put it, he knows we will find something to make us happy, and soon, because God would NOT make anyone suffer THIS MUCH for THIS LONG with NO REPRIEVE.
I, on the other hand... I'm not so sure.