Friday, December 9, 2011

The Darkness That Keeps Getting Darker

My best friend had an announcement early this week. I need not tell you what the announcement was. The majority of you read it for yourselves.

My best friend is Sew Hormonal. Yes, a person I met online became my best friend in the world before I ever laid eyes on her and ruled out that she was a troll, a rapist, a murderer or a psycho. (I've ruled most of those out by now.) One of the very worst pains in my life was when Sew lost her first baby to miscarriage... I cannot express how horrible I felt at that time, knowing as her Creighton Practitioner, perhaps I could have done something to avoid it. Guilt and anguish consumed me for weeks. Hardly as long as they consumed poor Sew.

I was thrilled to learn when Sew became pregnant again, after finding thyroid cancer and having a complete thyroidectomy (nothing is ever "simple" for Sew Hormonal!) - and that baby would become my goddaughter later that year. The pain of guilt that washed over me with Sew's first pregnancy has been washed away with the disappointment of not getting to see my unbelievably adorable little stinker of a goddaughter whenever I want to... a much lesser pain, of course.

When I heard about Sew's latest pregnancy, I was tickled pink (and yes, I'm already putting my vote in for another GIRL) - I was giddy on the phone with her, but I wasn't at all surprised. I had a feeling she would be blessed with abundant fertility after the years of torture she dealt with. But I also knew that... well... she's not TCIE. And if you're not TCIE... you're bound to get pregnant. And get pregnant again. And adopt. And adopt again. Known fact here, people.

I took the news in stride, and went about my day. I received two text messages from other wonderful friends from the blogs, asking if I was "ok." Honestly, I had no idea what they meant, and my first thought was, "Did I post something on my blog about something that was supposed to be happening today?? Did I completely forget about something??" I texted one friend back, and spoke to the other on the phone for a while. To both, I assured them (and I wasn't lying) that I was a-ok, and not only that, but as Sew's Creighton Practitioner, I took full and complete credit for this pregnancy :) (Yes, I am joking. Somewhat ;) )

The remainder of the day passed. I went to my 2nd job and told my boss about my best friend, gave her a brief synopsis of her vast history of medical issues, and she congratulated Sew. When DH came home, I told him the happy news that our godbaby was a big sister. But something was different this time. When I told DH, I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't find the words to tell him right away. I found myself fumbling for words, saying, "I have good news... I'm really happy about it... I just had a bad day..." I was completely overcome in that moment, with a plethora of emotions. What was going on with me??? Where did this suddenly come from??

I finally spit the words out, continuing to reiterate how happy I was and that I was just overtired and upset about work stress, etc... but I realized it was myself I was trying to convince, not DH. He saw right through it.

"You know, it's ok to be upset about this," he told me.

Don't be ridiculous! Me?! Upset about my best friend kicking infertility's ass?!!! Heck no!

Or maybe... yes?

I began to cry. And I mean - CRY. Two hours later, it had escalated to the point of snot all over my face and hyperventilating, and popping 2 Ativan (and no, this was NOT prior to intercourse as directed!) so that I could finally go to sleep. DH was at a loss. He was so worried.

What I was realizing that night was that my BEST FRIEND was pregnant. OK, so some of you may be thinking, "Well, Duh! You were just realizing that 14 hours later?" - but what hit me was all of the implications of what that meant. My best friend, who carried the same cross as me for so long (and even carried mine for me in 2009 through prayer... oh, silly girl, lol!) had somehow maintained the friendship that so many others have moved on from after becoming a mother. We were still, despite all odds, able to relate to each other and meet each other where we currently were, across the Schism.

Now, she was pregnant again. I suddenly became very aware of that HUGE divide between us - how the next 9 months, she will find absolutely no support from me ("um, yeah, I have no idea what you're going through and how to help you with that... but let me tell you about this saurkraut I found in the health food store!")- and beyond that - how will I be able to relate to her and be there for her as she raises two children under 2? And it doesn't stop there. I'm sure she'll be receiving a homemade bib in the mail that reads "10 of 10" in no time. And with each pregnancy, we will move further and further apart.

I know all of you Moms out there are shaking your heads and saying, "Not so! It absolutely doesn't have to be like that!"

I know all of you barren and childless ones are nodding in agreement.

But my tears were not all about my perception of a friendship lost.

They were also steemed in jealousy. And above all else - anger. Riproaring, wanna-punch-someone-in-the-face-repeatedly anger.

I am so incredibly mad at God that it hurts. On so many levels, it hurts. Why, why does He send me a support group of people only to tear them away from me? Why does He give me this cross, offer me help in the people around me who also carry the same cross, and then lift their crosses right in front of my eyes and shower them with incessant blessings?!! I envision all the women around me opening present after present after present, finding a beautiful baby inside each one, and then haphazardly tossing the rest of the package away - but what they don't realize is that each box also contains a 100 lb. weight, which, when thrown to the side, lands right smack on top of the cross on my shoulders.

The anger runs deep. While I am technically feeling better now at the end of the week, I can still summon that anger at any time, because it's not far under the surface. The following morning I went to the chapel at work, sat in front of the crucifix, and proceeded to tell God just how mad I was at Him. The audacity! I can't even believe I'm sharing this with you all, but I actually did yell at God, while focusing on the image of His only Son, put to death on a cross for ME. You'd think the guilt of admitting that in a public forum would force me to repent and ask forgiveness... nope. I'm still piping mad.

I have so many things going on right now, that I know I'm hypersensitive. Through my ugly sobs the other night, I kept screaming, "I'm not even PMSing, what the bleep?!?!?!" But now that these emotions have been stirred up, I know I need to address them. As DH put it, he knows we will find something to make us happy, and soon, because God would NOT make anyone suffer THIS MUCH for THIS LONG with NO REPRIEVE.

I, on the other hand... I'm not so sure.

56 comments:

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

So heartbreaking to read. But, you are saying the exact things that most, if not all, of us go through every time someone we love gets pregnant again and again. You are not alone. Praying for you.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Aw, hon, I am so sorry. I am hugging you through the screen. Can you feel it? I love you!

Little JoAnn said...

I have personally lived through this to the point of a breaking point and, even, losing my best friend in the whole world because of "the divide."

The pain never has gone away and to this day is my greatest personal loss.

Praying for you. HARD.

Sarah said...

TCIE - I am so, so sorry.

As one who was "Marriage Editor" for almost a decade as a single lady... and now, jumping to "FCP" as an infertile lady (didn't realize I'd have IF when I signed up for that just like I didn't realize how long my singlehood would be when I signed up for the Marriage stuff)... I wonder. I wonder sometimes why the cruelty of it all. And I haven't even walked this journey long. Praying for that wonderful happiness that your Dh is hoping for.

Molly M. said...

Sending prayers and hope from a stranger your way. I know it may not help now (I've been in your shoes in the regard of watching my best friend become the mother of 2), but I pray that one day it might.

Be Not Afraid said...

Everytime I read your blog, I am heartbroken for you. Prayers are all that I can offer. I think you are right about the great divide. I feel that way with my friends going on number 3 and 4. You lose more and more common ground...

JellyBelly said...

I am still here. We need to get to infertile island. Pronto.

Laura said...

Your blog brought me to tears. I have been struggling the same as you do. So many people around me are getting that "blessing" of a baby and it makes me feel like God doesn't think me or my hubby are worthy of that same gift. I'm praying for you. :) Hugs.

Sew said...

I wonder if my "sewness" wore off on you......

I'm not sure if it was "odd" but the past few days I have had intense moments of needing to pray for you....

Oh and thyroid cancer is all from you lady! It's all your fault!

I agree and understand. It's gonna take more then that to get rid of me though.....

We love you and are praying!

Lea said...

I really admire your complete honesty. I think all women who have suffered from infertility/miscarriage can relate. You shared your raw emotions that most people would not have the courage to do. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. May God bless you and your husband and bless you with your heart's greatest desire in 2012. I live in CA and have recently been under the care of Dr Davenport. I know you have had her consult you. Would love to hear more on your thoughts regarding her approach to treatment. My email is ladecaro@gmail.com. If you have a chance would love to hear from you.

Rebecca said...

The tears are flowing and my heart is breaking for you. If anything in life should only bring joy it is the news of a best friend's pregnancy...and it is so wrong that it brings pain like this. So so wrong. I'm mad with you and for you...I don't even think I realized how angry I am at this whole IF thing until I read these words...but they echoed deep in my soul, from a place my glass half-full self keeps hidden.
Holding you close in prayer and offerring up every single tear flowing down my face for you as I type this.
It just isn't fair.

Silvana said...

Hi TCIE,
first of all a biiiiiig hug for you. The news of your best friend's pregnancy brought you a lot of anger, jealousy and sadness and you are afraid that your friendship will suffer hardship. I don't know Sew but from what I read she is a sincere dear friend and I hope after the earthquake following the recent news the pace will come again soon in your heart. Take care. :)

Silvana said...

opppps.. "pace" was supposed to be the English word "peace"!! ;)

Donna said...

My heart is breaking for you as I know those feelings all too well. Hugs and prayers going your way.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Raw, honest, beautiful, dead on. Thank you for speaking what so many of us have thought at one time or another (or many times). I don't want to sound trite because of my current situation, so I will just shut up and say...praying for you and so many others.

Lavished with Lemons said...

I understand the anger with God all too well. Praying for you.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry you are in such darkness right now. I hate that there is nothing that I can do but pray, but praying I am.

kmab231 said...

IF sucks! Sorry I'm not more eloquent, but it's true!

Amazing Life said...

I wish I could carry that suffering for you even for one day, just to give you some respit for the journey!!!

Nothing I can say will ease your suffering but know that you and your DH are being prayed for by Joseph and I everyday!!!

If you don't mind, I would like to share with you that it seemed our cross of IF was WAY too long, 10 years!!! It was those years, 4, 5,6, and 7 that were the HARDEST!!! I just felt so abandoned, discarded, overlooked, castawayed, highly unfavored. I know I have 'crossed over' but those feelings were my reality for many years and they will always be a part of me. Asking God to send rays of sunlight to you to that the frozeness you feel you feel in your spirit right now.

Amazing Life said...

**TO THAW THE FROZENESS**

IS WHAT I MEANT TO TYPE IN THE LAST LINE.

CM said...

Reading this, though our stories are not the same, some of the emotions are so similar. I have no good words, only I'm sorry. It sucks. And I'm praying for you and your husband!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

My heart breaks to read this. I am so, so sorry you are hurting so bad. Please know you are always in my prayers!!

doctorgianna said...

I have been praying my Christmas novena for you this year. Benedict now knows you by name and face since we talk about you each night and I showed him your pic. I do not understand God regarding your situation, but I will understand it someday, and I have a feeling it is beautiful.

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

I'm praying for you too! I know that probably doesn't feel like much but it's all I have to give you. Blessings on your broken heart. I'm so sorry:(

Megan said...

TCIE,
You are in my prayers, lady. The fact that you are able to write this raw post knowing full well that Sew would read it and love you through all the hurt speaks volumes about how deep your friendship goes.
You are surrounded by so much love and prayer. Our lovely Mary Queen of All Hearts is wrapping her arms around you, I just know it.

Kelly Caddy said...
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Anonymous said...
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Cathy said...

I'm struggling with the same feelings. There are currently 14 women around me pregnant right now. 14! I'm happy for them, but yet being around them makes my heart break even more. I'm praying for you, with you. You are not alone.

Kerry said...

I have been thinking about this a lot. I think your emptions are so valid and many of us have had the same experience.

I think it's hard to see others lives moving "forward" and growing. I told this to my husband and he challenged me on it though. He said "forward"? Just bc they have x amount of kids is forward? What if their marriage is in shambles? What if they are not growing closer to God? That is "forward". I had to agree, reluctantly.

I also had another thought about friendships. I did not know that you and sew are best friends, but it warms my heart to see blog friendships morph into real ones.

I am seeing more and more that all my friendships need to be rooted in the Heart of Christ. That is the connector, The Friend. For my friendships where we only have IF in common, it is very shaky ground bc one or the other is most likely (in this open to life Catholic world) going to get preg or adopt. If IF was all we had, then yes, a "great schism" results and the friendship dies. (love the term "great schism" BTW). I do understand that this happens naturally sometimes.

I was thinking about old lady friendships. When we are old, frail, and our fertility struggle is long over. Some old lady friendships have to weather one friend becoming a widow and the other having a spouse live on. Or one friend battling an illness, while the other is healthy (yet eats the wrong things, smokes etc).
Maybe my analogy is a little off, I don't know.....but I was thinking that all friendships need to be rooted in Our most Loving Lord, despite differences and life circumstances that take us in directions we would not have wished .

"The waiting is part of me loving you" I really felt Our Lord saying this to me once in adoration, and I extend it to you. Christ loves you immensely, just massively, TCIE.

Silvana said...
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the misfit said...

Sometimes I'm able to get myself to a place of peace with knowing that "those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives," and tell myself that God sends me heavy crosses because He loves me and He wants good things of me that only carrying a cross(es) my whole life can achieve. But I have to more or less cut myself off from humanity (and certainly blogland) to maintain that peace very long. When yet another person (ESPECIALLY when that person and I "bore one another's burdens" to make these crosses lighter) announces a pregnancy, I have a rough time getting myself to believe that that person (those people - heck, everyone) receives blessings instead of crosses because God just loves me more than them. I'm dogmatic by nature; I'm better at maintaining two contradictory views simultaneously than anyone I know. So, reminding myself that I am the greatest sinner I know and deserve the least, while simultaneously telling myself that heartbreak is a sign of God's great favor ought not be so difficult. But in adulthood I find that even I demand more than that of God - He cannot claim to be loving, and be at once demanding and inconsistent. He must be, at least, either merciful or just (or abandon any claims that He is good, and insist that we love him from fear rather than love), and I think infertility tends to be a lesson that He is neither.

Perhaps there is an answer, and a peace, on the other side of this that we can't fathom yet. We can hope.

Silvana said...

@misfit

I don't think God loves more people that are infertile or people that are super-fertile. I don't know why I am in this situation (the doctor just said that we will NEVER have kids in the "old way") but with the help of God Grace I want to keep loving the life and everything good that can come also in this time of hardship. Hugs

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Silvana (and kcaddy) -
would you please email me at thiscrossiembrace at gmail dot com?

My gosh, these comments are INCREDIBLE, friends!!! I cannot even take them all in at once, I have to come back and re-read over and over.
I love you all to pieces. Thank you.

The chief said...

Dear TCIE, I have been following your blog since long time. Many times, I have not being able to express myself as I would like because English is not my maternal language. But the way you have written this post reminded me exactly the feelings and thoughts of facing biological infertility in my heart, alone, because the world seems not to understand at all. And the gift of life for other is like a knife trespassing owns heart. Thank you for that! I need to remember to motivate myself during my FCPI and to endure on achieve the certification as FCI to take the practice and the opportunity of Na.Pro here in Me.xico for so many couples facing infertility and with undiagnosed health problems. We need to develop the opportunity of an answer. Still a long way to go... I know is never the same, but there is a sprinkle of fecundity in your life when you help another (like me) to achieve, or to change, or to endure something. Love ya!

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

I know what you mean about the ugly cry. I've had several this week. It is so painful. And I had to snort about you being "rip-roaring mad". :-) You describe it *SO* perfectly in that phrase. I'm mad as hell.
No one can understand this anger except people who are continually left behind and asked to carry the cross for YEARS. Its like a smack to the face and a punch in the stomach, and we are so upset that we are shaking ... even though somewhere deep down, we don't hate the person that just announced a pregnancy, we are just tired of being left behind ... again. I think the second child's pg announcement hurt worse than the first.
My hubby suggested counseling to me last night, as he thinks I have too much anger. I told him that I'm mad at why he's not as angry as me. I don't know why this infertility struggle is so hard, but it is.
I think I'll take you up on that drink. :-)

polkadot said...

This just breaks my heart to read knowing how much pain you're in. Your cross seems so heavy right now, and I wish I could lighten the load even a tiny bit. If it helps, I have experienced much of what you described here, as have many others. I am holding you close in prayer.

As for the part about you two moving further apart with each new pregnancy, I didn't immediately nod my head. I have a dear friend with many children and a history of RPL, and we have not grown apart even after her having two babies since I've known her. I realize it's not the norm though. Just wanted to give you hope that is it possible. :)

I forget where I heard this. It's totally fine to be mad at God. He can take it. But at some point you're going to have to forgive Him. ;)

Perfect Power in Weakness said...

So sorry, TCIE. I understand the immense anger at God. Many of us have been or are in that place currently. Thanks for posting your true, raw, honest emotions.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

I don't have much to add to what has already been said, TCIE. You have my prayers and understanding. My sister has dealt with IF and is now pregnant again. She is not only my sister but my best friend. My emotions have been all over the place from sincere joy to immense frustration. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us have felt at some point. Hugs!

Summer said...

Long time reader, first time commenting. Your brutel honesty and deep pain left me crying over my keyboard here. You're a brave woman for sharing this and I hope it brings some comfort to have released it. I suffered with the pain of infertility for 5 long years before becoming an adoptive mother, but the pain from those years of waiting is something that has stayed with me and always will.

Reading your words here brings back some of my most bitter memories....and my worst moments were absorbing the news of women I loved and felt a 'barren kinship' with becoming pregnant and leaving me behind. It's a punch in the gut, a physical reaction that comes on strong, and an anger that scares the shit out of you!

I had a couple friendships that were damaged beyond repair. And others - like yours with Sew - that survived because the friends knew....had walked the lonely road of infertility themselves and just knew. You're blessed to have such a friend - they are golden.

I can only offer you the promise of a stranger's prayers for the grace to endure and a reminder that darkness brings the dawn. Better days are ahead - Hang in there.

Laura said...

I had to come back today and re-read your blog, which again brought me to tears. Reading all of these new comments here makes me wish I could be more eloquent in expressing my feelings, as so many people here have expressed exactly how I feel, and I wish I had more people to share that with.

God Alone Suffices said...

Oh TCIE, I am so sorry. I know I'm not Sew, but I'm still on "the island", too and I will be for a long time. My husband and I can't adopt for years and years for lots of reasons. You're so brave for letting all of these raw emotions out.

E said...

Oh dear TCIE. I'm so so so sorry. That raw sorrow can the worst. Your cross is very heavy but the Lord must have amazing grace for you. You are so strong. Don't worry about all of our friendships, we aren't going anywhere!! We are all sisters in Christ, striving towards Him. I know from experience, if I get a blessing, there is usually some intense suffering around the corner, so I don't get too comfortable. Lean on Our Mother of Sorrows, she has been so comforting to me. Follow Her lead and just say yes to the pain, somehow it is easier that way. Sounds crazy, I know, but the burden is lighter. TYJ.

allyouwhohope said...

I'm so sorry. That's a terrible place to be, I know. I don't think I even used to be in denial about my emotions, I was always angry and jealous right from the start. The fact that you are legitimately happy for your friend shows what a big heart you have and how truly selfless you are. I'm still praying for you all the time. I hope God will shower you with His graces this Advent and with all the peace and joy you can handle!

Mrs. Mike said...

((((TCIE))))

Once again, you have bravely articulated something that is difficult to talk about--I deeply regret the friendships that I killed during that period of my life and wish so much things could have been different. I have to live with that burden on my heart for the rest of my life. But you're right, the dynamics of a relationship just changes when one party has kids and the other doesn't.

But I but I agree with Megan...writing out such a raw post knowing that Sew is reading is is a testament to your friendship. Things will be different to be sure, but I have a hunch that she won't let you go, regardless of how much space you might need.

I wish so much circumstances were different for you. Dear God in Heaven--please make your plans known soon and release TCIE from this suffocating cross.

Beth Rutter said...

Thank you for your honesty, your rawness and for saying what so many of us have thought and been too afraid to say.

I have few friends. Not because I'm an unfriendly person (well at least not that I know of) but because I'm the only one without children. Why would I be invited to hang out at play times and mommy and me group? So I know the pain of losing friends due to this ridiculous path. Because it's not enough for God to take my dreams of motherhood He also must take my support system with it.

Here's how I see it: Be angry. Yell. Scream. Cuss. And do it out loud for all to hear! If we can't endure the "terrible two's" with our children then I think we should be allowed to have a fit or two ourselves. Just remember we're all here, hearing and feeling every word and sending so many prayers.

You are one of the few people on this earth I wish pregnancy for as much as I do for myself.

Anonymous said...

It's ok to mad at God. He made us, He knows us. We're human and that's all we can be. My daughter has a disease that required brain surgery and there is no cure. The surgery was just to help make her more comfortable. I too get mad at God. He wants us to be real with Him because that's the only way our relationship grows. I struggled with infertility and miscarriages and now this...and I wonder why me? Why my daughter? But we're not made for this earth, we're made for eternity. Everything that happens here molds us for what's to come. My heart breaks for you. I hope and pray you'll hold your baby in your arms one day. Praying and trusting is all that we can do. And for ppl like me that love to be in control, that REALLY stinks sometimes =)

Rachel said...

It was my daughters christening yesterday and I thought of you a lot and prayed for you. You last few posts have been so touching and honest. Brought back all the feelings from when we were struggling.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Kcaddy's comment:
Amen. Seriously. You put words to your honest, raw emotions. And named one of the most challenging things a friendship can go through. Especially as time goes on and you feel like everyone else is being blessed. Its lonely. It's frustrating. It brings up anger, resentment, jealousy and deep sadness. You're not alone! This may sound crazy, but it's been spiritually (& emotionally) helpful for me to yell at God too. There is something really beautiful in being that honest and not letting guilt overcome you. I've felt like I've 'done all that God has asked of me' and been 'a good girl' so what else do I need to do to 'make' God bless me to care for one of His children?! Recently, I've realized the freedom in not taking 'on' anyone else's feelings. This may sound odd, but it's been a huge progression for me. I've found it helpful to be honest w/my pregnant or child bearing friends about where I am. Letting them know that I love them, am happy for them, and yet be honest that I am probably not the friend they will be able to talk with about sore nipples, all day sickness, teething, etc. (bc i would welcome the privilege to have that opportunity!) It doesn't mean I love them or support them any less, it's just recognizing my honest limitations. Its also seems to have been helpful to ask my friends who know of our journey, what do you need from me?
As always, you bring up such true and rich feelings as part of you faith journey through all of this. Please take comfort that it's good to let God know where you are even though He already know-you're just able to acknowledge it now (confession!). Please also take comfort in continued prayers for you to God and all the glorious saints!
Perhaps you might find it helpful to be asked, how can we/I best support you? What do you need from us/me?

Tridentine Wife said...

TCIE, I know I haven't commented in awhile or much these days but I wanted to comment on this post to let you know that you're not forgotten. I can't say I've been praying because my spiritual life is in the toilet these days but I do think of you often. I know you are in a very dark place right now but you will get through it. I like what Doctor Gianna said about not knowing the what and why God has given you such a heavy cross but it must be something beautiful.

You will get through this. And hey I broke my blogging hiatus to comment. Doesn't that prove you're not forgotten? :)

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

God Bless you and your husband! I will say a rosary for you tonight.

LoveSaintGianna said...
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LoveSaintGianna said...

Hi! It's Kim (Angela's sister from the Shrine of St. Gianna). I have been reading your blog since I met you two weeks ago, and I just want to thank you for putting into words how many of us feel, but don't know how to express. I wanted to tell you that I am feeling exactly like you, and have been absolutely crushed since finding out that I didn't even ovulate this cycle. To top it off, I just found out this week that 2 good friends that I've been praying for to get pregnant now have. I'm very happy for them, but also feel very left out and alone. Two teachers I work with are pregnant, and it's difficult to see every day. Nevertheless, I am so fortunate to have met you, and I am so grateful for the care you gave me during my ultrasound series. God Bless you and your family. I do hope you keep in touch. You inspire me very much. St Gianna, pray for us!!! xoxoxoxo ~Kim

Julie said...

I have been where you are. We endured the cross of childlessness for 9 long years, while all my friends were having 4 kids in 4 years! I am so sorry for all you are going through. I do not know where God is taking you on your journey in this life, but I know that He will hold you close for all eternity! He loves you so much that it hurts!
I pray that you will be a mother soon! I am so sorry I can't do more to take away your cross.

Amel said...

(((HUGS))) I was also really mad at God and yelled at Him, but what I felt afterwards was that He understood all that - He understands all that and He's holding me with teary eyes and a snotty nose...and I hope you feel that way, too...

Brenda said...

Hugs, TCIE:) I know it won't make it better, but you are not alone. I have "just" 2 when I probably would have had one or two more if not for IF and I still get jealous and all the other things hearing a pregnancy announcement. I can only imagine your heartache intensifies at these times. Praying for you:)

Mary said...

Hugs, TCIE. I know how you feel; it seems the circle of friends gets a little smaller every time somebody gets pregnant. Right or wrong, I feel left behind, a little bit jealous, and then angry at myself for being jealous. I'll pray for you and your husband.