Saturday, December 31, 2011

At A Loss

It's New Year's Eve.

More than any other time during the year, a day of reflection and planning ahead.

But tonight, I choose to do neither.

You see, reflecting does me no good. It wouldn't take a long time of reflecting on 2011 for me to slip into a self-induced depression. In the past, I've tried putting a positive spin on each horrible event from the year... but it's for naught. God entrusted me with these crosses not so that I could turn them into pretty ornaments... but so that I could carry them. No positive spin. Just truth.

And planning ahead for 2012? Futile. For the past 5 1/2 years I have mapped out the way I intended my life to be. When I came to a road block, I didn't just choose an alternate route, I mapped out the entire trip based on that alternate route. And I repeated this pattern again and again and again until I finally looked up from that map to see that I had missed the entire trip to this point. So in 2012, I'm turning on God's GPS, and I will drive until He tells me to take the next turn.

I am sorrowful. That is probably evident to most of you. But by not projecting my reflections from previous years into my future... I can try to live in the present moment, accept the sorrow I feel currently, and not let it become a self-pity that consumes me.

This cross I embrace... and this sorrow, I accept.

A healthy and blessed New Year to all of you.

24 comments:

Blessed and Broken said...

Amen. You have a truly beautiful soul.

Blessed and Broken said...
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E said...

And to you, too, my dear friend. Yes, I am in the sorrow with you. I'm trying to let God take control and just be in neutral, but so hard! TYJ.

evensong's januarylily said...

been following for a little while. I too suffer from pcos. BUT I was able to have two children before it really struck. Had we waited as conventional wisdom says now a days, there would be no children. I am now older (approaching 51) and am dealing with all the health issues that untreated pcos brings. I have not had the courage to post because I have two children. That simple. I will keep you in my prayers. I have shed many tears over pcos......and bear a particular cross of my own. I too have tried to steer the boat. Thank you for courage to take your hand off the wheel. Pray for me that I may do the same. Blessings over and over and over again..

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

Blessings on you TCIE. You are growing in wisdom in so many amazing ways! We should all be so fortunate. Please know that I will continue to pray for your miraculous conception next year!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

This may sound weird, but I envision these blog posts one day being used at the cause for your canonization. The way that saints in the past had their writings and journals used as evidence of their sanctity and rich interior life. This is the age of new media, and to me, these are your "saintly journals". Hugs to you, my friend. And like Danya, I will be always praying for your miracle.

surpriseofunfolding said...

I am praying that God will show you his grace in 2012. The grief and pain that you suffer now will not always be - even though it feels like it will last forever right now. I am praying for you.

Silvana said...
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Silvana said...

Hi TCIE,

so you started the year sorrowful and with no plans for the future.
It seems you forgot the strength you had going through all the crosses of 2011 and all the inspiration you brought to your IF friends and to the patients you cared for.
I wish you for 2012 that you will be able to see yourself as beautiful and precious as God sees you. A big hug and BUON ANNO!! :)

Mrs. Mike said...

"I can try to live in the present moment, accept the sorrow I feel currently, and not let it become a self-pity that consumes me.

This cross I embrace... and this sorrow, I accept."


This ^ is why I read your blog. Always praying for you...

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

God's GPS. Love it. I'll use that idea because I am so tired of trying to handle and manage it all. Here's to a joy-filled new year. God bless you.

Carla Dobs said...

May we all be inspired by you and allow God's GPS to guide us in this new year...

Carla

Sew said...

Even Leila has you canonized you Saint!

Oh St. TCIE, pray for me! LMBO!

Ugh! I hate this post and I love it!

Singing to the tune of "this cross I embraaaaaaccccee!"

the misfit said...

God bless you for being honest. Here's to a 2012 mostly characterized by joy and peace.

Rebecca said...

Thank-you for being on this journey, this journey that none of us ask for or planned on, but were placed on. There is an Augustian thought about our path to heaven and holiness that says we are all on the same path but some of us are further along than others, for those behind it is our job to reach forward and learn from those ahead...for those ahead, it is our job to reach behind and guide those behind us. I use our because we all have people ahead of and behind us, we are all being guided and guiding, while moving forward along the path. I tell you this as a way to thank-you for being willing to reach back to those of us who need you. My prayers are that your sorro is turned to joy.

Sissy said...

We've got sorrow over here too, but trying to keep our eyes lifted up to see what God has in store.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I'm with Leila...St TCIE! Blessings to you my friend...praying for joy for you in 2012.

CM said...

Thank you for your willingness to share your heart with us. I can't tell you how much reading your blog has helped me in the last year, and so many others that are struggling in various ways.

Nicole C said...

You. Are. Amazing. God bless you and you'll continue to be in my prayers in 2012.

JellyBelly said...

You probably think that I'm a crazy woman, heck you spent a week with me in your house, you KNOW that I'm a bit off, but I am so hopeful for you. Giving up control is going to be so healing for you.

Continued prayers for you, my dear sweet friend.

Lucky as Sunshine said...

Praying that your GPS system leads you down the right road.

ALIVEINHOPE said...

"Blessed and Broken" took the words right out of my heart.

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

You are teaching me acceptance of myself and how to let God guide me, regardless of a happy ending that I think I deserve. Your thoughts impact me so much and change the way I think. Know that you have a strong prayer buddy for 2012, regardless of what happens in your life.

In my blog reading, I came across a quote by Pope Benedict XVI from the blog "Quiet Light, Morning Star" (www.qlms.tumblr.com) that made me think of you (in a good way!)....

“The Saints have not fallen from Heaven. They are people like us, who also have complicated problems. Holiness does not consist in never having erred or sinned. Holiness increases the capacity for conversion, for repentance, for willingness to start again and, especially, for reconciliation and forgiveness”.
~ Pope Benedict XVI

Molly M. said...

Continuing to pray for you on your new journey following God's GPS.