Tuesday, November 22, 2011

With a Progesterone Level of 77.8...

you would think... well, let's not even go there. Cuz I went there. And it didn't end pretty.

My P+7 numbers this cycle were astronomical. Higher than I've ever seen them. Higher than when I had 400mgs of progesterone nightly AND three corpus luteum.

This cycle I did take progesterone supplementation (same as always) and had two corpus lutei.

Apparently two corpus lutei on CRACK because they produced progesterone of 77.8 and estradiol of 389.

There's not even one baby in there. Today is P+15. I started my day with a big fat "Not Pregnant" announcement from my First Response Early Response.

And I cried. I cried in the car on the way to work. I cried on the phone with my hubby, who called to tell me it was ok, through his own tears. I cried at work when I realized that yes, my "Follow-Up Infertility" appointment with Dr B. tomorrow will be just that. It will not miraculously change category to a "New OB" appointment. I cried again at work when I received the email from Dr B telling me my P+7 results (I had already seen them yesterday) and how amazing they were.

And I cry now as I realize what I've always known to be true.

I will never be pregnant.

Life will go on. I'll find something to do with all of my you-will-never-be-a-mother time, and I'll learn to smile again. From time to time. I will never know true and utter happiness in this life, but God-willing, I may still find everlasting joy through the pain. The immense, unsurmountable pain that literally takes my breath away.

Today, I can't go on. Tomorrow, maybe I will find some strength.

51 comments:

BlessedBeLord said...

I am so sorry! My heart aches reading about your anguish.. Praying that God gives you strength and peace. He has great things planned for you.

M said...

Prayers being lifted for you!

Rebecca said...

I am so so sorry. Lifting you up in prayer, begging Him to let you feel His peace wrapped around you.

Sarah said...

So, so sorry. Sending prayers your way.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

:( Praying for you, my dear friend.

JellyBelly said...

I am offering up ALL of my discomfort (and man, is there ever A LOT of that going on today!) for you!

Big, big hugs for you!

Emily said...

Praying for you!

callmemama said...

A fantastic progesterone number and no pregnancy this cycle doesn't mean you'll never be pregnant. It means that finally your odds are improving every single day! That's a good thing! Higher odds are a good thing :).
Of course, I know it's hard to think that way month after month, year after year, so I'd be crying too :(. Sorry sweetie ((hugs))

barbie said...

praying for you super hard today...((hugs))

Patiently Waiting...... said...

I am sorry. The thought of bearing this cross much longer is so heartbreaking. Such impressive progesterone results, bittersweet. I am sorry.

Being Refined said...

I am so sorry. I'm praying for the Lord to help you (also for a baby for you.)

I know words are kind of inadequate right now, but words in prayer are all I have to give.

Ania said...

TCIE my heart is breaking for you!!! I too have been feeling "breathless". Praying for comfort and peace.

The Skirts said...

You are, as always, in my prayers. My day is being offered for you and your husband. I'm so sorry.

CM said...

Heartbreaking! Praying for you right now!

Molly M. said...

Praying hard for you. I am SO sorry.

E said...

Oh dear dear TCIE. I am so so so sorry. It is so hard. I had terrific numbers like that for like a year and no baby. It is devestating. Try to offer up your sorrow, the Lord and Our Lady will use it. And, well, try to mutter a thank you Jesus, but I know it is so hard. I have been praying so much for you (and wearing my...:))

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

I know what you are going through. I have ridiculously stellar p+7 results each cycle and no pregnancy. I think coming down off of such great progesterone numbers really amps up the sadness and emotionality. Praying for you.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

TCIE: I had tears in my eyes reading this this morning. My heart aches and sometimes I cannot even begin to understand why some people are asked so much. I will continue praying for you.

Fertile Thoughts said...

I.am.so.sorry!!! I will be praying for you especially during these next few days when I will have a lot to offer up...much love ((hugs)).

January said...

I'm praying for you, TCIE, holding you close to my heart and asking God to surround you with His love and comfort.

Emily G. said...

I'm so sorry. Praying for you. I wish there was something someone could say that would make you feel better, but I know we can't. :(

C. said...

I am so sorry for your pain. You handle it all with tremendous grace (something I could certainly take lessons on...) and I hope it ends very soon!

Simone said...

I am so sorry. =(

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Love you, hon. :( :(

Beth Rutter said...

Sometimes I think it's better to have really crummy numbers than good ones, it just makes the hurt worse. Sending prayers your way.

Sew said...

My shoddy adrenals and your shoddy uterus need to have a shoddy little party. ;(

surpriseofunfolding said...

sending you hugs ...

twomorefeet said...

It's so hard. I know. I have a phobia of pregnancy tests... they are always negative. Even when I just KNOW they will be positive. My worst experience yet was getting a negative after just knowing it would be positive - then literally two seconds later, I find out a friend is pregnant. It just hurts.

I'm praying for you in a very special way.

doctorgianna said...

Oh TCIE! Your suffering is so great. I cannot even imagine. I pray for you nearly every day.

My Heart Exults... said...

This is the worst post. I am so sorry!

Made For Another World said...

Praying for you and offering up sacrifices for you. Thank you for continually sharing your story, your feelings and your suffering. You are an inspiration to me. You are honest and accepting all at once. That is beautiful. Just beautiful. Can my shoddy body join you and Sew's shoddy party?

Thankful said...

Sorry, friend.

SisterInChrist said...

TCIE, never give up! Look at Sara, Rachel, Anna and Elizabeth in the Bible...They had there up and downs for sure, but they never gave up. They were old, they did not have period any more and God answered their prayers. God is Almighty so do not look at all "human" or "physical" signs that puts you down. Forget about them. God can do whatever He wants beyond natural rules He gave to the world and He does not need to explain it to anyone. He wants to make you happy. He wants married couples to obey His command:"Be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it."(Gen 1,28). I think that the only reason why God does not give you a baby at this moment is, that in some way it will lead you away from God. There can be no other reason. Why would a loving Father keep his daughter waiting for so long for something that He gives to His other children? There is probably some sort of barrier between you (yourself and your husband) and God that you need to remove ( with His help). Pray to God to understand what the barrier is and as soon as you will get rid of it, you will conceive. I am 100% sure. He is a good Father and He wants to give you everything you want that will lead you to real Happiness. Hope beyond all reasons! Mother Mary intercedes for you in Heaven so you are in good hands:-)

Silvana said...

Dear sister in Christ,
I don't agree with what you says, I actually think it's hurtful for couples that are experiencing infertility that you affirm that there is a barrier between God and the infertile couple and that's why they can't conceive.

The gospel says about Zacharia and Elizabeth:
(Luke 1:6)

[6] Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly.

So please, think twice before judging couples that experience infertility; it's already tough enough out there..

Thanks

God Alone Suffices said...

TCIE, I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say except please know that you are so, so loved-by God and by us IFers.

andnotbysight said...

This made me cry. I am so sorry, and I'm praying for you!

Carla Dobs said...

I want to give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on...

Will keep you and DH in my prayers....

Carla

Amanda @ "All in His Perfect Timing" said...

I am so very, very sorry. It hurts the most after such great numbers / great signs. I will be lifting you up in prayer and offering all the crazy-stupid stuff my MIL will say to me over Thanksgiving weekend up for you. Praying so very hard for you, my friend!

St. Rita's Roses said...

TCIE- I feel so bad. I do not what to say to make things better. I feel your pain so much and I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. All I can say, is that we are praying for you and R. God Bless you~

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry. Praying for you!

LifeHopes said...

I too have always had great progesterone and for so many years I could not conceive. I know you will want to shoot me for saying this, but could this perhaps be a good thing? That something is working? Even though you are not pregnant this cycle, could it mean that at least one thing (one very important thing) is working?
Sigh. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers. I feel the same for you as I do JB, I have never not even once given up hope for you. Not at all. Though there is a LOT of this that is medical, there is some mysterious element to this that we cannot understand, control, or predict. I hate that your wait is so unbearably long. It seems like torture, like you are on a cross being TORTURED! And there is nothing any of us can do about it except pray for God to redeem this whole situation. I know He is faithful. You feel forgotten and passed over, but I assure you, you are not. Please hang in there.

the misfit said...

I'm so, so sorry. Even when we feel as though that wound has been scarred over so much there's no crying left, there's always more. This life, and all the years of not-having the lives we dreamed of, seems unbearably long sometimes, but I imagine it will seem like the blink of an eye when we look back from the next life. You are (as always) in my prayers.

SisterInChrist said...

to Silvana: Obviously you missed my point. I think it is too daring to say that anyone is as just as Zacharia and Elisabeth. We have to stand before God with humble and contrite heart and that was what I was suggesting for TCIE. On the other hand, if anyone is as just, he/she has nothing to fear for. He/she should have Lord's peace in his/her life. In every situation. I dont think that Zacharia and Elisabeth lived with fear and anxiety in thier hearts while waiting for the Lord to act.

If Jesus said:"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you"(Mt 7,7) - if Jesus said this, this has to be true and I believe in it with all my heart. But what if God still does not answer my prayer? It is written: "You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions" (James 4,3) Conclusion - there is a kind of barrier.

I am sorry you misunderstood what I was trying to say. In no way I want to judge anyone. I think we all need to look for every possible barrier between us and God that is present in our life. This is called spiritual growth and in this it is more likely that Lord will answer our prayers. It is a great journey and completely worth it.

Silvana said...

@ Sister in Christ.. I guess you are not experiencing infertility, so you can't understand.

Kids are born from bloody dictators, kids are born from women raped, kids are born in family in which they are abused and abandoned.

Do you think in these situations there was harmony with the Lord? Do you think disease (and infertility) happens only to people that are not as righteous as you?

Check out Luke 13:4
Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them--do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem?

Jasmine said...

I also want to disagree with Sister in Christ, though I know she means well. I know everyone walks a different path when carrying the cross of IF, but I also suspect this sister may not have carried this cross before or if she does, she does so in a very different way. I also found the words hurtful as they reinforce a lie and a spiritual wound regarding the theme (at least for me) that I was in some way deficient in the eyes of God, that He was not willing to answer my prayers, and therefore unworthy of motherhood. (I have sense come to the peace and freedom of recognizing that this is truly a lie.)

The cross of IF is a spiritual battle like no other i have experienced (and I've had 4 different significant crosses so far), and it is a gift. But in this idea that it is a defect in ourselves that prevents our motherhood, this does not reflect the idea of a God who loves His children not for what they do, but for who they are and that He created them out of and for Love. Yes we must live in the Truth and live a virtuous life, but it not because of what we do that we deserve God's love. It is freely given. And a child is a gift that no one deserves. The child is not a right, but a gift.

I think Sister In Christ's comments are particularly bad spiritual advice for us IF sisters who have ever been tormented with the idea of why is it that we are so defective and insufficient in God's eyes while so many conceive (and therefore are blessed) who live in a state of mortal sin. How about the woman I know who has had five abortions and continues to be unfaithful to her husband while trying to use the bible to defend her immorality! She has 3 living children. Under your logic, why has God not closed her womb?!

Some of us IF sisters have lived ONLY a life of chastity yet suffer from IF problems unimaginable to many (ie. virgins at marriage with PID and inherited STDs, try to figure out how that punishment fits the crime). Also remember that the stress and emotional toll of IF is equivalent to someone suffering with cancer. You do not tell someone who is suffering and struggling and growing spiritually under the cross of cancer that they are suffering their cancer because there is something spiritually deficient in them that prevents God from healing them. Also look at the lives of the saints. So many of them suffered greatly. Yes sometimes God answers our prayers in ways we understand, but sometimes He asks us to bear the wounds of Christ and to suffer. It stinks, I know, but we are in good company with those who have suffered before us. Some of them complained too ;)

Jasmine said...

TCIE... I'm sorry. Like so many others, I have not given up hope for you, though by no means do I degrade the complications of your infertility. I also had crazy high progesterone levels (like 5 to 6 times higher than the normal minimum) without conceptions for a long time. This actually preceded further healing of my adrenals. I do believe you are getting closer. Really complicated IF like yours is like peeling an onion. There are many layers. You may need breaks, and I totally understand, but I think God probably speaks to you through all this problem solving and healing. You have made some progress, it's just so hard to see in light of the ultimate desire. The FCP in me believes this for you as it seems to be true for me. It is not in vain. You have helped so many others. Prayers to you!

Silvana said...

@ Jasmine:
thank you for your reply, you described in much better words the feelings I wanted to express in my rushed post

@ TCIE: your post let me heartbroken and without words because in every line you wrote I recognized a pain I know well in my life too.
A veeeeeeeery big hug :)

Beth said...

AHHH TCIE. I'm not giving up.

Jasmine said...

Dear TCIE, one more comment: You said "I will never know true and utter happiness in this life, but God-willing, I may still find everlasting joy through the pain." And I know you said this out of pain. But the light brings us out of the darkness. And I know the complete and utter darkness of that pain. Truly I do. I don't know it in the exact same circumstances, but I knew it for over 68 cycles before a miracle, and many cycles once again. The pain is different now. The despair is gone, but I am still wounded. I still carry the cross though differently. I think that's why I visit your blog. Somehow in revisiting that pain, I feel real. But the pain isn't gone it's transformed. I do have a child now, and the joy is true and blessed. But I want to share this: After my daughter's birth, I was plunged into a postpartum depression that was darker than my IF, plunged into more fertility related problems, more expense. I actually flew all the way to Omaha for surgery with Dr. H postpartum due to my problematic uterus. I have had multiple years of over 20K in infertility expenses. 2 of them after childbirth.

I am still trying to sort out that time in my life with God. The feeling of abandonment right after the gift was given. Sadness because I was hoping that "next time" would be better. There is no next time. Their was another miracle followed by death, but another 2 years of more expenses, seeking NaPro doctors, holistic, everything, etc. But my heart is still bleeding from the loss of that postpartum newborn time when I was in my own Hell. Dr. H's max progesterone support kept me from rage but not from the utter anxiety and sadness. I know you talk about the two sides of IF. But I'm just saying the cross continues. And their is still some darkness and it breaks your heart because you are utterly in love with this gift and falling to pieces because of your still stupid hormones, stupid uterus, stupid infection, etc.

Rambling...but I guess my point is that true and utter happiness is not in simply having the gift of a child. It is wonderful, but it's not the source of true and utter happiness. That only will happen with complete union with God. I got the best piece of advise from my FCP during the first year of IF, who is a CFCE and trains FCPs for Dr. B in Ireland. She told me on the roller coaster of IF, "Don't let you highs be so high, so that your lows won't be so low."

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Thank you so much for the comments, everyone. I am feeling not as hopeless today.

Jasmine, I appreciate your insights. I did write those words in pain, but I have also read countless "mommy after infertility" blogs when the writer goes on and on about how they never knew such happiness in their entire lives. I believe that happiness is an emotion that is fleeting - I believe it can be found in many things on this earth, but that it is not the source of spiritual freedom. Joy is. Joy I believe to be a more complete experience, the one God wants us to find in Him alone. But happiness can be sought here, and many (unfortunately) will find it in immoral ways ("Do whatever makes you happy!") while others find it in wholesome ways (their children).

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

TCIE - like so many others, I don't know what to say, but please know of my prayers.