Wednesday, November 9, 2011

We All Love a Happy Ending

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted.

I feel like I'm running out of things to say. There's only so many ways you can talk about infertility. I'm wondering if my readers even noticed that I hadn't posted in two weeks... because the fact certainly escaped me.

I'm beginning to realize that we all just really love a happy ending. For about two years, I had commenters telling me "I have such a good feeling about you!" and "I just know you'll be pregnant soon, I just know it!" Those comments have slowly but surely disappeared as the reality of the situation has sunk in, not just for me, but for everybody.

There's only so much you can say to someone who's been doing NaPro for 5 years (happy NaPro Anniversary to me 11-16) and has been writing about failed cycles for 3.5 years. What can you say? Especially after all the prayers have been exhausted and all the well-wishes dried up. Not only am I out of things to say... I believe so are my readers.

No, this isn't a farewell post. I'll still be here. But I am kinda starting to feel like the token barren girl in the group. I guess there has to be one that remains infertile in order for it to still be called the Catholic "Infertility" Blogs, right?

Perhaps my negative attitude has to do with this cycle. I took Femara. I took Viagra. I took Ativan, prior to intercourse as explicitly indicated on my prescription bottle ;) My lining was great. My follicles (yes, that's plural, for TWO) were great. My mucus? - what mucus? Dry, dry, dry-dry-dry. And the day of ovulation we ended up skipping.

I'm just so tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying. Tired of caring, but tired of not caring enough.

To top it off, my marriage will be going through a period of purging starting this week. I am deathly scared of the process, but cautiously optimistic of the results. The therapist is going to be working us through an INTENSE change, and I had quite an eye-opening session last week. I finally began to understand why my husband and I relate to each other the way we do. This purging has the potential to save our marriage and make it the best marriage ever. But it could also break us.

My patron Saint for this year is Eugene de Mazenod. I remember laughing when he was chosen for me at the end of the year last year, because he is a patron for dysfunctional families. Turns out - now is when I will really need his intercession the most.

Please pray for his intercession for us.

39 comments:

Angie and Richard said...

Praying for you in a special way. May God continue to guide you and your family and may your patron saint intercede for you as you guys endure this therapy. Many blessings.

Angie and Richard said...

TCIE - Sorry, I didn't realize my Google ID name was under both my husband and I... the post above is from Angelique (from the infertility book.) Blessings and prayers are being sent your way.

JellyBelly said...

Oh girl, I wish I was so much closer so I could give you a great big hug (a gentle one though since I'm so sore!).

This is a period of transition for you and although it is do scary, I know that you will come out better for it.

As for being the token barren girl, I'm still here. I have had more than one moment of fear (that I offered up!) that Dr H is going to be stumped and not know how to help me. You are not alone, please remember that. I hold you so close to my heart!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Praying for fruitful therapy… God is with you every step, and so are all of your friends (more of us out here than you can even imagine!). I, also, wish I could give you the biggest hug!!

JoAnna said...

Rest assured, my prayers have not stopped. I was actually praying for you this morning on my way to work.

Anonymous said...

TCIE, please don't give up, I've been in the boat just as long as you. If you give up, then I feel like I might have to hang up the towel too. I pray for you everyday.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

I am not as elegant with words as you are, but I just had to post something about the impact you have had on me and many other bloggers. Your words/posts through the months have allowed me to face another day with some hope and more importantly an understanding that we are ultimately not in control of our situations. A couple years ago, I was in serious contemplation stage of moving forward with IVF but you and several other bloggers opened my eyes to the other alternatives (i.e. Napro). For that I am forever grateful. You are in my prayers, TCIE.

Rebecca said...

Much like Patiently Waiting said, I'm not good with words, but your positive impact on my life has been greater than I could ever put into words. I pray for you every day and sometimes specifically for strength as others get their 'yes.' I truly don't know how you faced this hurt month after month for 5 years, just over one year is coming close to breaking me; my 'flight' response is trying hard to kick-in.

All I have are my prayers and well wishes, and they will keep coming your way until you have your 'yes.' I will also pray specifically for stregth in your marriage.

God Alone Suffices said...

Oh TCIE, I'm sorry! I would have been commenting more, but my computer hasn't been letting me comment.

Don't worry about being the token barren girl. I'm barren, too, and always will be. You're not alone. :)

Anonymous said...

You have definitely been missed. I've been checking for updates daily and was worried about you. Prayers for you and your husband.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

Oh TCIE, you are always in my prayers. And for the record, I will always believe that your story has a happy ending. Perhaps it be motherhood on earth, perhaps it will be sainthood in heaven. I'm fairly certain it'll be one or both of those.

Anonymous said...

I too have been checking your blog daily. You are such an inspiration to me. Whether it be from your gut wrenching stories that I can relate to or you inspiring and uplifting comments! I love your blog and it has been a rock for me! Thank you! Kelli W., TX

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

Praying for you and your marriage.
Ya know, I pray a little harder for the gals who have been infertile for the longest (myself included). We all need the extra prayers.
Like JB, I'm afraid Dr. Keefe IS stumped with me. And its a little scary.

Molly M. said...

I am keeping you and your husband in my prayers. I will pray for strength, insight, an open mind, and for love to fill you. May God guide you down this path and make your marriage the strongest possible.

I remember all the IF bloggers (I've never met any, but have ready many of your stories and I'm an IF that blogs about my experience privately) in my prayers and at Mass. You are not alone. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I know I'm a stranger, but as I told my other IF friend, we all need to stick together.

callmemama said...

I still hope for you! I just really suck at commenting lately :(. Heck, I still hope for me, too. Pregnancy after 7 1/2 years of trying doesn't seem possible, but I'm not ever going to say NEVER.
I know it's different once you've become a parent by adoption even, I can't claim to be one of the "last barren IF'ers" because at least my arms are full. But I still think about you and pray for your arms, too, to be filled.
Good luck with the marriage therapy. I hope it goes smoothly and brings you and your husband closer together.

barbie said...

As another IFer (like Sarah) with arms full I want to say that I think of you and pray for you daily. I certainly notice when you don't post for awhile and want you to know how much I still have hope for you to have a wonderful happy ending. don't give up hope, there is ALWAYS hope. Praying for this change in your marriage, may it be fruitful.

Beth Rutter said...

I was getting worried about you! So yes, we do notice when you're not posting. I also will never run out of prayers for you, you have renewed hope in me so many times the absolute least thing I can do for you is pray. I know only of you via this blog, but I think I want pregnancy as much for you as I do myself.

mrsblondies said...

I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said. But I am praying for your happy ending whether it involves being a mother or not.

Simone said...

I did notice that you haven't posted in awhile. I like reading about all aspects of your life. I hope that the therapy goes well.

Stephanie Z. said...

Like so many others, I am still praying for you, and for all couples facing IF. I was starting to wonder what was going on. Good luck with the therapy!

CM said...

Praying for you!

Sissy said...

I know, I feel like others in the blog world are passing me by and I'm still waiting to adopt. And after this most recent failed placement, I'm a little gun-shy about even going through the match process again.

I pray that your therapy this week goes well! Good luck!

Women for All Seasons said...

TCIE, I'll be honest, your blog used to really overwhelm me. You share big emotions, questions, and ideas. Now, even though we've never met, I feel as though you are a rock in my life. I always look for your new posts, and get so much out of them, even if they have nothing to do with IF. Your writing gives me so much strength and shares so much hard-won wisdom. I pray for you often and that you will have the family that you dream of. I will add to my prayers that you and your husband come through this time stronger than ever.

-Jan

Carissa said...

Let me chime in as yet another still infertile Catholic...so yes, you're definitely not the token one! (Though it does seem like there's fewer and fewer of us left...)
I wish you all the best and pray that therapy helps strengthen your marriage.

Meg @ True, Good and Beautiful said...

I haven't been commenting, but I've been reading. Prayers for the work you are doing on your marriage-God has good things in store I am sure.

-Meg (Complicated Life)

Silvana said...

Dear TCIE,
I'm happy to see you are back to posting. I was a little bit worried about your long silence.
You and your husband are in my prayers and I hope that the therapy will bring to your marriage a lot of blessings.
A big hug.

PS. I didn't stop believe that there could be an happy ending for both of us :)

Mrs.Fitz said...

I just wanted to say (as a newer IF blogger) that your blog is very encouraging, uplifting and challenging.
A IF friend recommended your blog to me after I shared my IF struggles with her. This friend has been bearing this cross a bit more then 5 years I think.
Believe me, you are not alone or the last one!
I think that your (and hopefully all us IFers) happy ending will be when you join God and He sees his passion in your eyes.
I will be praying for you and your husband.

Anonymous said...

Dear TCIE,
You don't know me either but I also check your blog daily, always praying for happy news, but I'm always happy to read a new post from you. As you can see there are many readers who notice, wonder, and worry about where you've been for two weeks. I believe God sent you to me as an inspiration, so trust in Him. Yes, it's easier said than done but you don't know how many people are praying for you right now because we love you so much.

Courtney said...

I've been reading for over a year and have never commented. I just wanted to say that I pray for you often. When I'm having a hard time with my baby, I think of you and others who are longing for children, and I count my blessings, while offering up my difficulties for you. I'm sorry I haven't said it sooner. God bless you!

Angela said...

Praying for you tonight TCIE!

Little JoAnn said...

I absolutely know that you will have a Happy Ending. I am sorry that you have to go through a longer period of suffering than most, however. When I think of you I think of Saints and Bishops that were put in prison for years by enemies of the Church. Their witness and sacrifice lead to a Springtime of Faith in their communities and in the Body of Christ.

Somehow God has chosen you to be a Great One. I have no doubt about it. The Holy Spirit jumps out from your writings.

We will all continue to read your blog no matter what you end up writing about on a given day. I have said it before but it is another diary of a Magnificant Soul...

I am hoping your need for Hope only needs to go on for a few more months or even days/weeks...but in the meantime, what if you gave yourself a wider timeline? What would you do if you had to prepare to be barren for a time that was longer than 5 years? This is hard for me to put into words. But, what if your happy ending doesn't come for 7 more years or 9 or 10? The only advice I can give is...if IF goes on for a LONG LONG time, then for those folks a different kind of coping needs to be employed.

So, I am throwing that out there.

Little JoAnn said...

And, I will add...I am throwing that out there will simultaneously hoping that your Happy Ending is tomorrow. This is the tension I see. When IF goes on for more than 5 years...(I chose a random long time) then the suffering can really just destroy in the way that torture destroys instead of suffering that purifies.

The best way I can put it is to think of St. Maximillian Kolbe or the Bishops who were in Chinese Prisons...

They had to employ a different strategy than just having hope they would be released soon. Do you get my drift? They found Christ in the Midst of their Confinement with the fact at hand that emancipation may never come.

I hope I am making sense. What I am trying to say is, having hope for a Happy Ending is IMPORTANT, but there is something ELSE, another quality, coping mechanism that is needed when the suffering goes on and on and on...

I wish I could put into words.

In my little life, I found service and charity to be my balm.

Ania said...

TCIE, the prayers have not been exhausted! Sending love and lifting you up in this very difficult time!

the misfit said...

I think part of the reason that everyone wants to expect, wish, talk about a "happy" ending (i.e., a baby) for all us barren ladies is because nobody wants to stare the reality of the cross in the face. It's why The Passion provoked people so viscerally, why so many Christian religions talk about the cross as if it were a one-time event in history and not a way of life for Christians (despite the fact that Saint Paul made clear that the crucifixion continues in Christians), why so many quasi-religious people believe in heaven and angels but not God. The truth about the faith, and about human life, demands too much. (I'm in one of my moods, you can tell...) And I have to confess, myself I often think that some of us are called to be crucified, but most everyone is called to live a happy "blessed" life with the occasional suffering that doesn't mar the whole edifice too much; just a sad bit here and there, totally subsumed in the happy ending afterward. But I don't think that's really the story of any Christian life. I don't think it's the story of the life of any saint...and the holiest people I know are joyful, but if you look into their lives, you always see pain. No one escapes; I don't know why we all try. I try myself - I think that if I can just get over this infertility thing I'll have a basically happy-go-lucky life. But God chose this cross for me because He knew it would stop just shy of doing me in, and that's what I needed.

So, no, the ending is not a baby, as I see it. Some people may get them. I never know who. But that's not the meaning of the process, and that's not what the suffering "buys" us - if we're fortunate, it buys us a little death, a little nailing to the cross with Christ, and someday it will have to be total, if we want to join Him in heaven.

Honestly, that sounds way too far off to be a "happy ending" to me; I have no vision of the beatific vision. The present sadness occupies my whole field of view. But if this is where I'm supposed to be now, then that's what I have to focus on. If everyone else wants to write a fictional version of my life that's easier for them to stomach - well, it's not the real story. And truth be told, their stories won't look like that either; if they haven't known yet what it is to suffer, they will find out eventually.

Tridentine Wife said...
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Anonymous said...
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matchingmoonheads said...

you're right, people do like a happy ending. that's why they say things like "oh i know you'll get pregnant soon" even though there is no earthly way for them to know such a thing. (and incidentally, if you ever do get pregnant they will say "see, i told you so! i knew it!" and HOW???) But in regards to the Passion...it really was the ultimate happy ending, right? The horrible death...but then the resurrection. The life again anew. And that is possible for us. I would argue this life is full of pain, many great moments as well, but pain is a given. And some people have much more than people who say those comments can probably fathom. I know that's probably not comforting but if it was an easy road, more people would be on it, right?
And about your marriage...many marriages crumble under the weight of just one issue that you've been dealing with, let alone the whole smorgasbord that you've had. I say that to encourage you and to reenforce maybe the good thing that you have. I hope you're able to work through this time and come out stronger. That is the only way we get through these things. Take care, hon.

E said...

Oh dear. Let's talk very soon.

LifeHopes said...

I still pray for you often, and am here for you. Please do not give up.

I am also so amazed at your courage to go through the therapy that sounds so very painful also.