Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thanksgiving Break

I am just finishing a very much-needed break. I took off Thanksgiving, Friday, and the weekend from work. (Days that most people have off, anyway.) Of course, since we were hosting Thanksgiving, that wasn't much of a "break," but it was still great to be at home and spend time with DH and my family.

I started AF nice and heavy late into the early hours of Thanksgiving morning (when I was still awake finishing making homemade applesauce). Lovely reminder that I should always remember to be thankful for... my period. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. And I know there are many things in my life that I should be grateful for, and I am. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I had to celebrate yet another Thanksgiving with an empty womb and empty arms.

And what's worse is starting Advent again. The First Sunday of Advent has been, for me, the worst day of the year in years past. Because it marks the beginning of a new Church year, it marks the beginning of awaiting in darkness for the light of Christ... and it only augments the bitterness of the waiting and wanting in my life. I was able to push most of those thoughts aside today as I set up our Christmas tree and began decorating for the first time in our new house. It's just such an awfully quiet house...

I'm also very scared of what Advent holds for me and DH this year. We are beginning a very intense and very personal healing period, and while hopeful, I am anxious and fearful. Prayer Buddy, your prayers will be paramount this Season. I thank you in advance.

Today's homily was about surrendering to God's will. Father mentioned that we often show up in the pews with our "plans" in mind. But those plans never work out the way we think they will. Surrendering is about giving up our plans, being completely and totally open to whatever God has in store. As I embark on this Advent, I am going to submerge myself in prayer to help calm my anxieties and worries about what "might" happen and what "may not" happen. I'm nearing the end of trying to conceive, I can feel it. It may have even already happened. It bothers me to think about it too much. I'm not a quitter. But I'm starting to discover that surrendering is the real strength. I may have been quitting all along by doing things my way.

I'm sure more thoughts will follow on this subject. But for now, I'm going to try not to focus on how hollow and empty I feel physically. Oh, Advent. Welcome back.

14 comments:

Lucky as Sunshine said...

Praying for a calm Advent for you.

Be Not Afraid said...

I pray you will find much peace in your surrender.

barbie said...

prayers are with you during this season, a very hard season to be waiting. We love you and you will ALWAYS be in my prayers.

JellyBelly said...

You continue to be in my daily prayers! I'm offering up so much for you!!

Thankful said...

Here's a hug. I wish we had been at your Thanksgiving meal, something tells me you really know how to cook. :) Praying that Advent brings some renewal to your soul.

Rachel said...

I admire the way you have been dealing with your infertility. Hope you come to peace with your decisions. Praying for you.

Silvana said...

Dear TCIE,

infertility sucks and most of us experience it every day. But please don't forget that our value in the eyes of God is not measured in how many times we entered the delivery room. Maybe we will never carry a baby but we still have the all world to love. I wish for you an Advent season full of hope, faith and love. Hugs.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Silvana,
You always make me feel better :)

And... I love how eloquently you started that comment: infertility sucks. ;)

Thanks, everyone. Your prayers are working, and I greatly appreciate them.

CM said...

Though some things are hard to deal with every. single. day. the holidays definitely up the ante. Praying for you!

callmemama said...

This is a really hard time to be infertile. Infertility at Christmastime just plain sucks :(. Hoping you find some peace...

Sew said...

".....our value in the eyes of God is not measured in how many times we entered the delivery room."

Best quote ever!

Praying TCIE!

E said...

Prayers for you dear friend. Anytime we want to talk, please call me. :)

Amazing Life said...

Praying for you this Advent, as always! Your last line is very powerful, just as is S's comment!

silverbeetle said...

Surrendering is the real strength. Wow. At 45, this rings so true for me, despite almost 4 yrs TTC, 3 losses, 1 surgery, and assertive NaPro treatment. It's exhausting, and hard to know when to give it ALL up to God.

Sending huge hugs. And more prayers, for strength (and peace) for you this Advent. Thank you also, for your blog. It helps me so very much.