For a few months now, I have been getting these sporadic twinges (discomfort, sometimes even painful) in weird areas of my abdomen and pelvis. I've been wondering if they are adhesion-related, because I know Clear Passage found quite a few.
I contacted them to ask about local follow-up work. They had mentioned to me that they practiced a technique developed by John Barnes, called Myofascial Release, and that by going to his website I could find local practitioners of MFR. So, I did.
And I had an appointment on Friday. It started out very similar to Clear Passage therapy, and she examined my gait, posture, and the natural fall of my muscles and bones. My left side is particularly tight, which I knew.
When treatment began, she would ask me what it felt like, or if I felt it in other areas, etc. She also asked if it brought up any emotional memories. I felt like I was taking a test that I didn't know the answers to - like every area that she massaged was supposed to make me feel a certain way, but I just wasn't "getting" it.
Finally, she worked her way down to my laparotomy scar. As she pushed down into the scar, I felt a pulsing under her fingers, and she said there was a LOT of energy there. She told me to describe what the area under her hands looked and felt like. I said, "Red. Hard." She probed for more. What is it made out of? What shape is it? "Rubber. Ball. But not bouncy. Just stagnant." She wanted more. What emotion would best describe it?
The emotion that popped into my head felt like it was the "wrong" answer. So I stayed silent until something better came to mind. She waited, then started to offer me suggestions, "Is it angry? Sad? Joyful? Anxious?..."
All I could keep thinking was what I eventually said aloud.
"Why do you think it's indifferent?" she asked.
"Because it's already been all of the other emotions, multiple times, and it's tired."
Maybe it seems a little odd to some of you that I was describing the emotions of my uterus... but really, my uterus is just an extension of my whole person. What I was describing in that moment, what I was feeling in that moment, was myself.
I wound up falling asleep toward the end of my session. As she worked on my scar some more, she said I should expect to feel some natural anesthetic. Sure enough, I began to feel incredibly tired and my mouth became very dry. The "tired" was not a bodily tired, though - it was my mind mostly that craved sleep. So I gave it what it asked for.
She told me during the session that anything she found, that she would communicate to me (for example, "This left hip is stuck") was only what was going on currently, and not at all what was going to be.
I thanked her for saying that, and told her, "I am definitely the type of person that needs to hear that - that change is possible and that things are not going to stay exactly how they are now." She told me she could tell that about me.
I'm just not so sure if it's possible for that indifferent emotion to change. And if it is possible, do I want it to? I think the indifference is a protective mechanism, which came out of necessity. What will happen if it melts away?
I'm scared of what's to come. I'm scared of the unknown, of which at this time in my life, there are so many. But I've been protecting myself even from that fear, instead of allowing myself to feel it and go through it.
This is what I need to work on in the coming weeks. Acknowledging my emotions, letting them in, trusting them, and trusting God.
One step at a time.