Monday, November 14, 2011

Indifferent

For a few months now, I have been getting these sporadic twinges (discomfort, sometimes even painful) in weird areas of my abdomen and pelvis. I've been wondering if they are adhesion-related, because I know Clear Passage found quite a few.

I contacted them to ask about local follow-up work. They had mentioned to me that they practiced a technique developed by John Barnes, called Myofascial Release, and that by going to his website I could find local practitioners of MFR. So, I did.

And I had an appointment on Friday. It started out very similar to Clear Passage therapy, and she examined my gait, posture, and the natural fall of my muscles and bones. My left side is particularly tight, which I knew.

When treatment began, she would ask me what it felt like, or if I felt it in other areas, etc. She also asked if it brought up any emotional memories. I felt like I was taking a test that I didn't know the answers to - like every area that she massaged was supposed to make me feel a certain way, but I just wasn't "getting" it.

Finally, she worked her way down to my laparotomy scar. As she pushed down into the scar, I felt a pulsing under her fingers, and she said there was a LOT of energy there. She told me to describe what the area under her hands looked and felt like. I said, "Red. Hard." She probed for more. What is it made out of? What shape is it? "Rubber. Ball. But not bouncy. Just stagnant." She wanted more. What emotion would best describe it?

The emotion that popped into my head felt like it was the "wrong" answer. So I stayed silent until something better came to mind. She waited, then started to offer me suggestions, "Is it angry? Sad? Joyful? Anxious?..."

All I could keep thinking was what I eventually said aloud.

"Indifferent."

"Why do you think it's indifferent?" she asked.

"Because it's already been all of the other emotions, multiple times, and it's tired."

Maybe it seems a little odd to some of you that I was describing the emotions of my uterus... but really, my uterus is just an extension of my whole person. What I was describing in that moment, what I was feeling in that moment, was myself.

I wound up falling asleep toward the end of my session. As she worked on my scar some more, she said I should expect to feel some natural anesthetic. Sure enough, I began to feel incredibly tired and my mouth became very dry. The "tired" was not a bodily tired, though - it was my mind mostly that craved sleep. So I gave it what it asked for.

She told me during the session that anything she found, that she would communicate to me (for example, "This left hip is stuck") was only what was going on currently, and not at all what was going to be.
I thanked her for saying that, and told her, "I am definitely the type of person that needs to hear that - that change is possible and that things are not going to stay exactly how they are now." She told me she could tell that about me.

I'm just not so sure if it's possible for that indifferent emotion to change. And if it is possible, do I want it to? I think the indifference is a protective mechanism, which came out of necessity. What will happen if it melts away?

I'm scared of what's to come. I'm scared of the unknown, of which at this time in my life, there are so many. But I've been protecting myself even from that fear, instead of allowing myself to feel it and go through it.

This is what I need to work on in the coming weeks. Acknowledging my emotions, letting them in, trusting them, and trusting God.

One step at a time.

13 comments:

JellyBelly said...

Sounds like you had many breakthroughs with this new therapist! I know that my craniosacral therapist has helped me mentally and physically that I ignore the out of pocket cost!

I know this time is so hard for you, but I believe with my whole heart that good will come of it! You are such a sweet, special soul TCIE. God is holding you so close right now and you have so many people praying for you!!!!

St. Rita's Roses said...

Ahhh, so hard to take one step at a time, but sounds like Our Lord has your on a journey like no other....
Sending prayers of patience and courage to you. ((hugs))

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I think Jellybelly is right! I believe too that good will come of it.

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

Do you think the twinges are your body working on healing itself? I hate to feel like I don't know the answer to a doctor's question ... so I can only imagine when the gal asked you those questions. I continue to pray for your healing ... of body and spirit.

Ania said...

This whole therapy sounds so interesting. I'll be excited to hear the outcome. Indifference, I can relate to that, especially that it results from feeling every other way for so long. You say things so eloquently. I get twinges too and am never sure of what they are.

Rebecca said...

No emotion is ever wrong - no matter how scary it might be. I've felt the twinge of indifference recently and it is so scary because I know that cutting off my emotions is not good.

Prayers.

E said...

Oh, A. HE has a gigantic plan for you. Just take a deep breath and take the dive. You will find peace through the suffering and I know that He will take care of you. Prayers as always.

SisterInCrist said...

Hello TCIE,I think you are on a wrong path at the moment. You do not trust God, you are looking for other sources to get what you want. All of these sources are from the evil one. You can easily recognise it if you have a deeper look at the fruit: "By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit." .(Mt 7,16-18) When I check your last posts, you are writng that your life is falling apart. And this is a sign of bad fruit. God is calling to you for a deeper fullfilment, for a deeper faith. Please come back to God, He is waiting for you to make your life whole.
united in prayers
sister in christ

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Sister in Christ,
I appreciate your concern, but I absolutely disagree with you - I have never depended more on God than in the past 10 months. I also don't believe, as you say, that my life is "falling apart." Yes, I have trials and tribulations just like everyone, and it may seem to those on the outside that things could not possibly get any worse for me. I'm not sure if they will or won't, but one thing I know is wherever things go from here, I'll be leaning on God. My "distrust" at the moment is in my own emotions and my body.

SisterInChrist said...

TCIE, please forgive me if I offended you. I didn't mean it. I was comparing it to my own life - wWhen I stepped into real realationship with God, all problems started melting down and God reshuffled many things in my life. I was going through very dark times and didn't know how to come out of them. It was like standing in sand not able to find something solid to hold on to. Now I feel I am standing on a rock and this is a complete different feeling to what you are writing about.
Do you know what the last weapon of the Evil one is? Indifference

SisterInChrist said...

TCIE, please forgive me if I offended you. I didn't mean it. I was comparing it to my own life - when I stepped into real realationship with God, all problems started melting down and God reshuffled many things in my life. I was going through very dark times and didn't know how to come out of them. It was like standing in sand not able to find something solid to hold on to. Now I feel I am standing on a rock and this is a complete different feeling to what you are writing about.
Do you know what the last weapon of the Evil one is? Indifference

Silvana said...

Dear sister in Christ, having faith in God doesn't magically solve all the problems.
In the Gospel the home built on the rock won't crash under the pressure of the wind and of the flood but the Gospel doesn't say that there will be not challenges for the home built on the rocks. The challenges are part of life and the cross is there also for people that truly believe (think how many saints got horrible pains and troubles).
I think the difference is that people who believe look at the cross with hope and not with despair. A big hug.

LifeHopes said...

I know it seems there is no reason to hope. I know it feels like indifference is your "ending."

However, I am still hoping, praying and trusting on your behalf. I think its okay to let others lift you up right now ... God is still working in and through you, even though you cannot feel or see it. I cannot wait for the breakthrough ... both physically and spiritually and emotionally.

Sometimes it is as though we've felt it all. Anger, sadness, hope, defeat ... the list of emotions is endless, especially when it comes to the deep waters of infertility. No book could ever capture it all even. And yet God is still here, listening and working through all of this. I wish I could take on some of your pain, TCIE. I really do.

Okay hold on here comes a bit of my evangelical self:

In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I command all discouragement to leave you!! I ask for COMPLETE spiritual and bodily healing for you! May no weapons forged against you prevail! I ask that you be bathed in the blood of Jesus.

Here with you, A, and still praying.