Monday, October 17, 2011

LUF

For the first time ever (well, at least that I know of, and let's face it, I have pretty much constant-access to ultrasound), I formed a LUF.

Totally stinks. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were convinced that the "bad" cycles were the best cycles. Not for me.

When I saw the LUF yesterday, I slipped into depression-mode. I am just having a really hard time watching myself go backwards. I am eating SO HEALTHY, and feel really great on my supplements and diet... so why is it not being reflected in my cycles?? I really don't get it.

JellyBelly was here at just the right time. She told me something last night that really slapped me in the face with reality. She said I have to stop dwelling in "TCIE: The Infertile," and concentrate on being just TCIE.

So true. But I honestly don't remember who TCIE is, without infertility. I've built my life around this cross... and while, at the time I was doing it, I knew God wanted me to use it for the greater good... now I find it very difficult to separate myself from the cross and just be ME.

I need to reflect on this a bit more. Stay tuned...

16 comments:

Praying for Hope said...

Good advice from a wise woman.

Rachel said...

Sorry. Such a good advice from jellybelly.

JellyBelly said...

I don't know what came over me, but I'm going to blame it on the Holy Spirit (since I wasn't secretly drinking wine in the back seat). Finding pre-IF JellyBelly was tough, but she was in there somewhere.

I'm praying for you buddy! There are many wonderful things in store for you!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

Jellybelly's one smart gal! She's right, although it's tough. Infertility tends to usurp one's identity.

Thankful said...

Bummer, but how lucky to have a fellow blogger there to pick you up.

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

I know what you mean. Wanting to be a mother so badly, I have either lost interest in, or not had the time for, things I used to like to do. I hear you on the diet thing too. Sometimes I wonder if I should just smoke and eat a bunch of fast food. Ugh.

Ania said...

So hard to do when seemingly everything around you reminds you of it. I find getting out and doing things helps. Reminding myself that despite the pain, my life is still a gift. Easier said than done, I know. Praying for you!

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

I'm so VERY sorry about the LUF. That just sucks all around. I'm very glad that JB was able to be there physically to provide support and say verbally what we can't say through the blogs.
In regard to your pact to St. Gianna, what a selfless person you are to offer yourself in that way. I truly believe God is planning something big for you ... and as always, keep you in my prayers!

Made For Another World said...

Honestly, I was feeling the same way and still do a bit. In fact, I went so far as to change my side bar where it said, "40 year old Catholic woman trying experiencing secondary infertility." It now says something like "daughter of God, follower of Jesus...." It's so easy to get consumed by it especially when charting (even though I know you are not) and being around Creighton. Before I started Creighton I felt more accepting of God's will because I wasn't thinking about what I wanted every single time I went to the bathroom. Even the questions they ask at followups about how many children do you want. I always say as many as God gives us and my practitioner says we need a number. She's very nice about it ;) I bet it's even harder for you because of your job. You will figure it out, you always do! Can't wait to hear about this part of your journey- if you choose to share it. Praying for you!

Rebecca said...

I am praying. I wish had 'the' words, but I know I don't, so I am praying.

the misfit said...

I'm sorry. That's rotten :(.

You know, the odd thing about being just oneself, not (say) "the infertile misfit," is that that person wouldn't precisely exist any more anyway. While I was growing into a full-time infertile, I was also growing into an adult - I got married at only 23 and started ttc right away. And I was also learning to be a wife - I've been ttc for my whole marriage. To whom do I reach back? Is the real me 23, single, half done with law school, and clueless about life? It strikes me funny sometimes, but when I step back and look at myself, I realize that in these strange IF-riddled years, I've become a woman, with maturity and responsibilities and strengths I didn't use to have. But that person is intertwined with someone saddened and often embittered by infertility; my adult life is also very substantially defined by a void of motherhood. I don't think I can strip away one (the infertile) without the other (the adult). I don't have other options for an identity - I'm either child, or childless. There is no plain-vanilla misfit - who would that person be? Perhaps you will be more successful in answering this question than I have been.

Little JoAnn said...

Wow, misfit makes a good point. Points, that is. But, somewhere, I once heard someone say that we are who we essentially are at eight years old, there is the YOU that is first and foremost a child of God. I think it is important to cultivate and be the other parts of ourselves. This is coming from someone who has no talent whatsoever because I did not do this very well.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Wow. Absolute food for thought, Misfit and Little JoAnn. Thank you. Will reflect on these pearls, as well...

Sarah said...

You know, this post triggered a thought that may or may not be helpful. As an editor who runs a marriage and parenting publication, I so often read of women who say they no longer know who they are after years of raising children. I also see some struggle to "find" their marriages again after the child-rearing years. Now, obviously, I am a huge advocate of family life, and don't think being a mom denies you an identify. But... I have been *trying* to see these years of waiting (first for a husband, now for children) as an anecdote to this potential life crisis. In some ways, it almost creates the same crisis as IF becomes so central to our lives, but I suppose in other ways, there is the gift of having time to really grow our marriages and explore other aspects of ourselves as children of God (and of course, spiritual motherhood, which I am more and more seeing in myself even as I hope for physical motherhood).

callmemama said...

Misfit has a great point. I was married at 22 and started charting immediately, although we didn't start TTC in earnest until 24 b/c my husband was deployed the majority of those first years, but I would say that pre-IF me is also pre-adult me. For the most part, anyway. Interesting to think about...
Sorry about the LUF :(.

matchingmoonheads said...

last spring/summer i was looking into new things to get involved in when we moved out here to california and everything i came up with was somehow child/fertility related: pregnancy crisis center, foster care of infants, creighton training, infertility support group, etc. my husband at one point asked me, why dont you do something non-related to fertility, like volunteering at an elderly care facility? the comment actually offended me, because i felt like it was so far from who i was and who i should be as a woman struggling to conceive, of course it was only right for me to want to help others, etc. right? I have no real conclusion other than to say something along the lines of what misfit said, when you deal with something for so long as you have, the two probably grow together and affect your identity. i hope you're able to catch a glimmer though of what that other girl would have been like. she definitely would have been extremely passionate about something... :)