Thursday, September 29, 2011

Why Do I Do It?

I got a brand new response on my home pregnancy test this morning. One that likely no one has ever received. It was... blank. No control line. No test line. Just a blank test, as if I hadn't even peed on it. And, before you speculate that maybe the test had expired, I checked that first and it doesn't expire until Feb. 2012.

And so, clearly, pregnancy tests everywhere have convened and collectively decided to boycott ME. I envision them all in the warehouse at night, whispering to each other, "So, if TCIE picks you up off the shelf, what are you to do?... THAAAAAAT'S right! Don't even waste your time showing her the control line. That woman is delusional, I mean, how many times do we have to tell her she's NOT PREGNANT?!! There's only so many ways we can say it! Yes, yes, I assure you, this is the kind thing to do. She is in a category of her own. She'll get the picture."

(Just an FYI, about 15 minutes later, I did see the faintest of control lines, so don't go getting your hopes up that the test was faulty.)

Why do I even bother testing any more? I bet you thought that was going to be a rhetorical question... but it's not.

I test because I remain hopeful. I test because if I were to be pregnant, I want to know as soon as possible, and enjoy EVERY. LAST. SECOND. of that pregnancy, no matter if it lasts 9 seconds or 9 months. I test because WHEN it's negative, it allows me to practice my new outlook on suffering (you'd think I'd be a pro by now, but I have a long way to go).

I test to show God I have not given up on Him, and that I am not going to presume I know better than Him. I'll admit it: I used to test with the expectation that it would be negative so that I could "move on," and say to God, "I told you so - I knew you wouldn't give me a child." It was an ugly thing indeed.

Now, I expect the unexpected. I prepare for the desires of my heart to be fulfilled. And if the test is negative, I turn it to positive.

Well... at least... I try :) I'll admit - I don't feel so hot this morning. The negative test wasn't a slap in the face (the huge ZIT on the face was fun to wake up to, though), but it is a warning of things to come. More PMS. Heavy, clotty period. Right around the corner.

God, give me the strength to bear it with grace.

15 comments:

Carissa said...

Hmmm...that's strange about the faulty HPT. What brand did you use? I would try another one tomorrow morning, assuming AF hasn't showed up (and really hoping she hasn't!).

Rebecca said...

Prayers. Many, many prayers.

I've never taken an HPT before. Never made it far enough in my cycle to 'need' to. I honestly don't know how you do it, but your description of why you do it is beautiful.

barbie said...

I got a flutter of excitement when I read the beginning of this post. I'm SO VERY HOPEFUL for you TCIE! I love you and want to give you a BIG HUG! you are doing an amazing job of being hopeful!

I also have considered the possibility of hpt's everyone conspiring against me! funny thought actually. :)

JoAnna said...

It does sound like the test was faulty - in my experience the control line always comes up right away regardless of the result of the text.

CM said...

Way to go with hope! It's so hard, but so beautiful. I love it.

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

I just love your hope TCIE. I love it. I def. stopped testing and keeping track all-together...of anything...during those years. 'Just couldn't handle the roller coaster but so proud of you for ridin' it with style!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

I'm so glad you answered the question. You are so strong when I am not. I love your outlook! I love your hope! I hate that stupid test! You are right to want to enjoy every second of a pregnancy- and it is so wise of you to want to know the negative so you can offer it up. I'm so sorry it was blank.

Silvana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
callmemama said...

How crazy that test was faulty! As if it weren't miserable enough to see only one line...to not see any!
I still have a lot of hope for you, too. With everything you've been through lately, all the treatments, etc. I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe...
((hugs))

Anonymous said...

This was an awesomely beautiful post.

<3

JellyBelly said...

I don't know how you do it! Honest to Pete, I will be about to give birth and I won't believe that I'm pg!

Like I said earlier, I hope that the Lord is merciful to us both and grants us our miracle together!

E said...

Prayers for you always, dear friend. You are doing so great with your new outlook, I am sure God is smiling at your progress.

Martie said...

Well I had a funny thing happen to me in the same-ish vein... I had an HSG done early in the morning and found out I had total blockage. I don't have to tell you how heartbreaking that is. My very sweet DH tooke out for Chinese afterwards... and the fortune cookie was EMPTY! It sounds silly, but that just took the cake. (I'm with you on always taking the pregnancy tests too. Even though it's probably pointless, at least for me.)

Simone said...

wow that is a new one. Never had that one happen. I can only imagine your feelings at that moment. Loved your thoughts on the whole situation.
To test or not to test has always been the question. After much debate with myself, I realized that I have to test to move on with no doubt that I should stop the progesterone.

the misfit said...

It's nice that the HPT manufacturers of the world can confirm what we already know: you're very special ;).