Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Father

My life has been a whirlwind the past couple of days.

This morning, my aunt passed away. It really was a blessing that she went relatively quickly, because with Stage IV lung cancer it could have been SO much worse. Her suffering is over. My Uncle's, however, is not, and I would ask you to please keep him in your prayers.

I then got a call that sent me over the edge at about 5:00pm. My father went to the ER with chest pain. My mother drove him. They ran some tests and were waiting several hours to see a Dr. The pain subsided, and we all suspected a bad case of heartburn. Then they asked him to stay overnight. I broke down when I heard this, even though everyone assured me that's just "what they do" with any heart-related issues to be on the safe side. My mother-in-law kept saying the same thing - and she was a cardiac nurse for many years.

I called my oldest sister to talk to her about my recent depression and crazy thoughts. She is somewhat of an expert on the matter, since she suffers from bi-polar disorder. I asked her what I should do, where I should go - that I didn't want to be on antidepressants unless I truly needed them, and was worried a psychiatrist would jump right to that. She agreed and said that FIRST, I should get myself into a better zone right now, because this was NOT my usual self and it was ABSOLUTELY hormonal. She said if tomorrow I still feel like I need to seek help, what I want to find is a Clinical Psychologist. She knew exactly where I was coming from and it was refreshing to tell her some of my darkest feelings as of late, and to hear that they are totally normal for someone going these intense hormonal issues. (I was sad to hear about my aunt, for example, but was a basketcase in my car this afternoon moreso about stupid, petty stuff concerning myself. I felt unbelievably selfish on top of utterly depressed. Not a good combination. Thanks, Sew, for talking me off the ledge. Literally.)

Shortly after getting off the phone with my sister, I called my mother to let her know that my mother-in-law suggested that my father put pressure on the tips of each finger - it helps with the heart. My mother sounded like a mess, and it turns out, the cardiologist had just been in there, and he is going to do an angioplasty tomorrow morning on my father. Apparently, he had a heart attack and there is now a possible blockage.

I'll be leaving work tomorrow and driving straight to the hospital. I'll stay through tomorrow, and then Sunday's wake and Monday's funeral for my Aunt.

I seriously don't have any idea how to handle it anymore. I am praying for my period so that hopefully I'll have some reprieve of this insane anxiety and can better cope with things.

Dear God, please deliver me.

40 comments:

KT said...

In my depression with failed adoption/infertility, I did work with a clinical psychologist. I explained that I desired treatment without medication, and she not only supported that decision, but also recommended it.

Looking back on it, and even when I have had episodes recently, I do find them to be at their worst paralleling the hormonal cycle.

I hope you remain positive regarding your fertility struggles, and I hope that everything goes okay at the hospital.

More Than Anything said...

Praying for you. Feeling out of control is the worst. I spent a couple of months on antidepressants after the affair. I don't know how I would've survived (or had any hair left in my head) had I not done something. I hated know that I couldn't do it by myself, but it was a necessary evil. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I hope talking to someone will help.

I'll be praying for your dad and your uncle.

Don't forget...we all love you!

The Skirts said...

Praying for you lots.

qlms said...

My prayers are with you, and your family. You are loved.

barbie said...

We love you! I'm sorry you keep getting nasty comments! Praying for your Dad and for you. I hope the stress eases soon.

BlessedBeLord said...

Prayers for your family. Praying that God takes care of your stress & anxiety.

JellyBelly said...

Dear Lord give TCIE a break!!!!!

I'm praying extra hard for you and your family!

Little JoAnn said...

Shoot my comment disappeared. I woke up in the middle of the night with this thought...this is my second time typing it so...

1) forgot adoption agencies what about a privat adoption?

2) forgot civil law. What about the idea of you and DH getting a "civil" separation...so you can adopt a baby on your own. And, then later when his record clears...you guys would cancel the civil separation and he would adopt the baby.

3) Look the church can't recognize the civil same sex marriages. Sometimes civil law (state law) is in opposition with church law. Forget the civil authorities that are preventing you guys from being able to adopt. IN the eyes of the Church you will still be married.
The sacrament can't be broken.

You adopt that child as a single parent in the eyes of the State. But, of course it is you and your huband in the eyes of Church!!!

Get me? Am I nuts?

Little JoAnn said...

I can't take the NO you are getting from adoption. It infuriates me to no end. My brain WILL continue to wrack itself until I come up with solutions for you!

Call me crazy. But, I think I might be on to something with my latest idea...WHO CARES what the state says! You guys are married no matter what! I know my husbands grandparents (from italy) were cousins who wanted to married the state said no, so they had to get permission from the POPE! Yep, forget state law NOW. You and your husband are ONE IN THE FLESH from GOD not Man. No man should be able to stop your parenthood.

I am so mad I will not be able to get back to sleep now.

God Alone Suffices said...

Oh, TCIE, I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you.

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

Oh sweet TCIE, my heart is aching for you at this moment. This is a lot of stress to undergo. Do know that I am praying for you today and for your dad's surgery this morning. Hugs and know that you have a huge support system here with us. It's moments like this where I wish I could come meet you and hug you. HUGS:)

Silvana said...

So much to handle for you in these days.
Thinking about you and paraying for you and your family.
A big hug.

Praying for Hope said...

I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I can offer you my support and thoughts.

Rebecca @ The Road Home said...

Praying praying praying.

Reproductively Challenged said...

I'm so sorry this is all happening to you....I haven't commented lately, but know you are never far from my thoughts. Prayers and great big hugs being sent your way, I don't know why everything seems to be spiraling out of control, prayers for strength, courage and better days ahead ((HUGS))

mrsblondies said...

Praying, especially for your dad, your aunt's soul and the rest of your family. So sorry.

Chasing said...

Praying. So sorry you are going through this.

JoAnna said...

TCIE,

I prayed for you while at Eucharistic Adoration yesterday, and you remain in my prayers. I hope your dad has a successful procedure and makes a full recovery, and I hope your hormones can balance out so you can regain some mental peace of mind.

Nicole C said...

Oh TCIE. I know you'll get through this because I truly believe you are a living saint. Prayers for you and your family at this difficult time.

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

Oh I am so sorry! More hugs and prayers....

Sarah said...

I am so sorry you are going through all this. Life is just plain not fair sometimes. Praying.

Amazing Life said...

I have no words to comfort you,but I will offer up my anxiety today for you.

Praying!

"His Perfect Timing" said...

Praying for you, your Aunt, your Dad and family. Having a sick father is just the worst. Mine has been sick with a chronic condition my whole life. Its scary.
My FIL had 2 heart surgeries and is doing great, so I'll be praying for the same quick recovery & good health for your dad.

Faith makes things possible said...

I'm so sorry! You are in my prayers. And even though you may not feel like it-you are a strong woman and truly inspiring...your perserverence and trusting in the Lord, don't lose that.

Elisa said...

praying for you.... TONS!

E said...

Offering up my suffering for you and your family.I am so sorry about your aunt and your dad. Wow, majorly rough times for you. I think this is what you need to go home and be with your family. Although, it is for sad reasons, they can be a consolation to you.

I had no idea this was going on with you and I was going on and on about myself today. I am so sorry!

Lavished with Lemons said...

Praying for you, as well as your family. I hope you feel some relief soon.

Beth said...

Oh TCIE I'm so sorry. offering up lots of prayers for you. Call us if you need a vacation ;)

the misfit said...

FWIW some people are stronger than others (and obviously you are one of the stronger ones) but there is some point past which NO ONE can survive and be OK. That you're breaking down under as much as you've been handed doesn't indicate that you're weak or defective any more than if you collapsed after running 100 miles. I think that if you need help coping you should get it. Whether that means drugs or not is a separate question...I tend to doubt it but I'm sure you'll figure it out. (And, yes, I have started seeing a counselor...I don't think it's actually done any good :). But it's early days, and it helps me that I'm at least trying to accomplish something; I think it's helping me reassert reality in my own head.)

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh my. Prayers coming. St. Anthony, pray for us!

doctorgianna said...

Praying for you and your father....

Infertile Catholic said...

I am so sorry about the loss of your aunt. I pray that your dad makes a full recovery. Prayers that God will comfort you and ease your stress.

silverbeetle said...

Praying for you, your dad, and your family, at this very trying time.

LifeHopes said...

I am SO sorry. You are carrying too much for one person.

You continue to be in my prayers.

Lots of Love!

Julie said...

Prayers for your whole family!
It took me over 10 years of depression before I would take meds. I thought I could overcome it with prayer and hard work. The meds gave me my life back. I was on them for 4 years straight and went off them a full year before we did our home study so I could have a clean bill of health. I can survive without them now, but some days I kinda wish they were an option for me.
Praying God leads your heart to the right path for you!

CM said...

Praying for you and your family!

HG said...

The Certainty of God's love can help us go through the "dark valleys" of our lives..
Got you in my prayers.

H.G.

St. Rita's Roses said...

I'm sorry to hear ab ur aunt. God bless your family and especially ur uncle. I would have freaked too if it was my dad. Thank goodness its not too serious, I'm going to be praying for him.

Tcie, I think seeing someone or needing meds is totally ok, you are going through something horrific. I wish this coould all go away for you. I'm praying for you. Miss seeing you.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I'm so sorry my friend for all of it. I'll pray for your aunt and uncle, and your dad, and as always, you too.

Clara said...

Oh honey! I'm praying really hard for you! Do go talk to someone! I know what those feelings are like and seeking professional help is a good thing. (regardless of whether it includes medicine.)

Just know I care and am praying for you and your whole family!