Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Back to our Regular Scheduled Programming

So much for Naltrexone helping my PMS. I guess I built up a tolerance to it, because the past 3 cycles have been CRAZY with the emotional outbursts, depression, anxiety, fatigue, etc. I even switched back to the compounded form this cycle (I had been compounding it myself.) I mean, it's pretty bad when you find yourself thinking of ways to "kill yourself" without actually "killing yourself," like while driving on a 3-lane highway, what if I just close my eyes right now and go to sleep for an extended amount of time...
yeah. Not good.

Or perhaps the depression today is residual from my afternoon of going to the Women's Clinic at the hospital where I work with my pregnant single (though still legally married, and not to the man who's the father) 41 year old sister-in-law, helping her to sign up for temporary Medicaid and then getting her progesterone monitoring bloodwork. This could have something, maybe, to do with my state of mind at the moment.

Another factor may be that my own progesterone from P+7 (yesterday) was only 33 ng/mL. I know this may sound like a great number, but not when a) I took Femara and ovulated from at least two, possibly three follicles and should now have two or three corpus luteums, and b) last month with only ONE corpus luteum, my progesterone was 49.9 ng/mL.

My body sucks.

I'm sitting at home crying right now. I don't know what to do anymore. Is this my new norm? Crazy-depressed for at least 10 days before every period?? God, I hope not.

I need a nice, long nap. Someone wake me up when I'm 50, please?

32 comments:

Elisa said...

I am so sorry you are struggling. I wish I had something better to say but sometimes things are just so unfair and it stinks! Praying for you....

surpriseofunfolding said...

Oh TCIE ((hugs))) I wish you were not going through all this. (a side thought- can you get progesterone support during teh 2ww). A new prayer has been coming to my heart often lately .... I bless you with love and pray you will know God in your heart. I know God is already in your heart - you are such a real example of the struggle and the faith through good and bad times. But I do bless you with love, and pray for you ...

Andie

Hannah's Song said...

TCIE: You are truly a saint. And I mean that...I just got an invitation to my SIL's baby shower. And guess what? I'M NOT GOING! I refuse to torture myself. You are the best person ever! Taking care of your SIL like that is the most giving and unselfish behavior to boot!!...I could never do it...but I'm not a saint! Ha!

Monica said...

I've been thinking about you all week for some reason, and praying for you. I hope the PMS is over soon and this particular dark cloud blows away and leaves you with some peace for a time.

matchingmoonheads said...

oh let me tell you, this post sold me on Naltrexone!!! haha, ok, i hope you found that funny. i guess the truth is i know how crazy i can be and part of me doesn't believe a drug could fix that...
i did want to offer encouragement that i had a friend who said this exact same thing going through Napro...at one point she realized she was thinking "gee, it would be so easy to just ram into that median and kill myself" and that was the tipping point that made them stop. now, i venture to guess is it the Napro treatment or just the suckiness of infertility? but it still stands that something has to change because you cannot be thinking about that while you're driving because that would be a tremendous loss to everyone and you know that is not yourself talking. from your earlier posts, it looks like you may be headed for break. i hope you know we are supporting you in what you need to do.

JellyBelly said...

Is it any consolation that I got my period right before I went to sleep last night? Our last chance to conceive before all of the PPVI testing starts. Oh well...

I'm praying for you!

Rebecca @ The Road Home said...

I am praying and sending hugs your way.

Silvana said...

Ok, ti scrivo in Italiano cosi' mi sembra di rispettare un po' di piu' la tua privacy. Due cose mi hanno colpito del tuo scritto:
Ti sei offerta di aiutare tua cognata nella gravidanza anche se questo ti fa stare molto male al punto che sei arrivata persino a pensare ad un incidente/suicidio.
I medicinali che stai prendendo per aiutarti con la PMS non sembrano fare piu' molto effetto e sei arrabbiata anche con il tuo corpo.
TCIE cerca aiuto da un bravo terapeuta, sei una persona molto speciale e preziosa e in tanti ti vogliamo bene e vorremmo vederti serena. Un grande abbraccio.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Silvana, mille grazie. Le tue parole dal'ultimo post mi hanno fatto pensare di un terapeuta. No voglio i medicini per depressione... perche non voglio essere "quella persona."

Sei un'amica bella. Grazie.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

How unselfish of you to be so supportive of your SIL. I admire you so much for this action and it makes me really think about my own interactions with certain family members. I am sorry you are struggling so much. Your journey has been heartbreaking and you have handled it with such grace. You are in my prayers.

mrsblondies said...

A, I'm so sorry to her that you are struggling so much right now. Praying for you and call me if you ever just need to vent.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

TCIE: I am so, so sorry you are suffering so much. I am keeping you in my prayers.

Have you ever tried Bach flowers? they are like homeopaty for emotions and they got me through the roughest times in my IF journey when nothing made sense. They are very gentle, natural and can be extremely powerful when administered in the correct way.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Wanting to jump through the screen and hug you and then go have a girls night out…. Love you, TCIE!

Angela said...

**Hugs** I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I could make it better for you. Sending a prayer your way.

barbie said...

I'm so sorry sweetheart!! ((((hugs)))))

Made For Another World said...

praying for you over here and hoping you are in a deep, deep sleep right about now.

Amazing Life said...

So sorry! Praying and I have lots to offer up for you!

God Alone Suffices said...

My body sucks too. I've had those thoughts about going to sleep while driving...scary.

I definitely wouldn't have gone if I were you! You're such a good person!

Julie said...

You are amazing! PMS sucks! So sorry it is so horrible for you! Praying for you sweet lady!

Simone said...

I am sorry to hear you are sad. =(
HUGS I have nothing creative to say.

the misfit said...

The worst thing about the PMS depression is that even when you KNOW that that's what it is, and you can adjust some of your actions accordingly, it still FEELS exactly as real, and it continues to feel as though life and reality are really that bad even if you try to tell yourself that probably they aren't and it's just the hormones talking. (What if the rest of the time it's actually your OTHER hormones deceiving you and it really is that bad ALL THE TIME and you just CAN'T TELL??)

Anyway, PMSing with you. Also super-irritated because for months I have been trying to lose JUST FIVE POUNDS so I can wear some summer clothes that I really like and every month I get really close and then I start to get bloated and also in the week before my period I am compelled to eat EVERYTHING, and then I gain five pounds in a week and a half, and then for two weeks I work on losing it again and starting over from scratch, and just as I start to gain some momentum I'M PMSING AGAIN so I am depressive and also FURIOUS because I am FAT and can't fit in my PANTS.

It ought to be abolished, I think.

Also, I note that your SIL's situation is a genuine provocation, unlike my nonsense, and that coupled with the PMS is just seriously unfair.

Be Not Afraid said...

Praying for you and sorry to hear about your constant struggles. I admire how faith filled you are and how you show your best side to those around you who seem oblivious to your struggles. I wish you could take a nice long relaxing holiday.

polkadot said...

I hope this is not your new norm. Ten days of PMS? Yikes. It must start pretty early then? Mine usually starts on around P+3... How much naltrexone are you on? I'm on 4.5mg which I thought was the standard dose...but a nurse at PPVI told me last week she was quite surprised that I was taking such a *small* dose for PMS. She said Dr. H usually gives "much higher" doses for PMS. I won't find out what "much higher" means for a few weeks, but maybe increasing your dose would help??

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

polka, I remember asking way back when I discovered a friend was taking 50mgs of Naltrexone, and NaPro Docs told me that the higher doses were reserved for those who have miscarried. Well. Aren't they special? I guess my PMS isn't as serious, in comparison.

And 400mgs of compounded progesterone nightly isn't cutting it, either. Maybe it's more than PMS?? I'm gonna talk to my Dr about it and see if a therapist may be in order. I really don't want to go on antidepressants, but I also really don't want to keep living like this.

Anonymous said...

I guess that answers my question; thanks.

TCIE, you are still in my prayers regardless.

I have to say, though, that I'm really confused. Is it something I said or did? If so, I wish I knew so I could apologize.

Honestly (and now fittingly I guess), the only connection I could make at the time was that the moment I mentioned that I was struggling with depression, you seemed to vanish.

It made me feel...very embarrassed. Like depression tainted who I was as a person or something.

The thing about it, though, is that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So, I take no pleasure in reading about your current struggles.

As I said before, you have my prayers.

Second Chances said...

Go away PMS. Go away PMS. Go away PMS. Sorry, I don't know how to help other than trying to chant it away for you :) Hang in there sister and know that there are many crabby PMSers out there suffering with you. I was just talking with my bff yesterday about hers. I hope you find something that works, soon!

callmemama said...

400 mg of compounded progesterone? Have you ever thought of taking the nat'l progesterone cream? I had it compounded and was taking 30 mg every day at my highest dose and 20 mg as a "maintenance" dose. Worked reeeaaally well - absorbs so nicely since it's stored in the fat tissue.
I remember during the worst of my endo feeling things like you are - driving headlong into another car, "accidentally" walking off a bridge, etc. It's so hard to have crazy, wacked-out hormones AND deal with infertility and for me - also a really shitty job at the time. Sounds like your SIL is just the straw breaking the camel's back here...
((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

TCIE, big huge squishy hugs!!
I am new to reading all these blogs an haven't figure out how to comment (except anonymously).
My Napro doc recently reduce my P+3,5,7,9 HcG support down to 1000 ius and I crashed on P+8 (I have a late luteal defect). I had totally forgotten what that PMS craziness was like, and boy, it was NOT FUN! Are you off your LP injections? Maybe you need to add therm back in?
Polkadot is right, Dr H IS using higher doses of LDN (up to 10mg, I believe), so that might be something to try.
I am on BOTH 4.5mg nightly LDN and 50mg HDN plus the HcG bolus at P-2 and in the LP. I had 3 losses before starting CrMS and Napro treatment. Though we have made MUCH progress, we have yet to conceive again, and at 44 (45 in November), we know it might never happen.
I guess I am saying, I really feel for you. I have read a lot of your many posts, and you have REALLY given it your all!
Please know, you are in my prayers... and you will continue to be, as I am much the same place as you, wondering how much longer to push for treatment, or accept what is. feel free to contact me at silverbeetlle27@hotmail.com if you'd like to communicate.

E said...

For me the estrodial was a more accurate measure of my PMS. How was that number? Could you do HcG? I know that was a lifesaver for my PMS as well as thyroid treatment, where are you on that?

Prayers for you my friend. UGH.

St. Rita's Roses said...

Hey you, thinking of you and so sorry ab raging pms! Its the worst! My naltrexone was increased too! And I read in hilgers book the same thing polkadot said, maybe you need a increase? Anyways, mine was so bad, I would think of things. Crazy nutty things re:death!! I hope you feel better soon.

Beth said...

Praying TCIE. I think you rock.

Little JoAnn said...

I would not be able to help my SIL in the same situation. Nope. I am not saintly like you.

For me, my depression came from RAGE. I just had to admit that I had become a rage-a-holic.

I had to let it OUT! There was no other way to survive.

I like the commenter's idea who suggesting seeing a pychologist and telling them you want to be treated unmedicated. That sounds wise.