Tuesday, July 26, 2011

30

On this, the anniversary of Humanae Vitae, the first IVF baby's birth (I kid you not, it was 10 years to the day after Humanae Vitae) and my birth...

I am not really sure how to feel.

I had a lovely surprise party on Saturday, after a trip to the spa for a haircut (I went short!), facial, and nails. All of this was planned by my amazing husband, who knew that celebrating this milestone, for me, would be bittersweet. Sweet because I have a lot to be thankful for, and as a Leo, I ADORE my birthday and celebrate it all month ;) Bitter because, well, as an infertile of 5 years, isn't it obvious? Luckily he had the foresight to plan it for the weekend I was still 29, and holding on for dear life ;)

At the advanced warning of my lovely friend polkadot over at Making God Laugh, I avoided Facebook and the blogs all day on my actual birthday (yesterday, the 25th). But... I didn't avoid my gmail... and wouldn't you know it, I got sneak attacked with a pregnancy announcement from a former infertile- now mother. Yes, I'm happy for her, and yes, she deserves the very best, but I can't help feeling slighted once again as I watch these former infertile girls grow their families exponentially as I get older and older with decreasing fertility.

So, now that my day is over and I'm officially 30... I can say I don't really know how to feel. The dread is over, so that's good. I survived. Another good thing. But I can never go back. I will never be a mother in my 20s.

I hate sounding so whiny about it. I promise, I'm not sitting around my house pouting and lamenting what could have been. Actually, I think I've been doing rather well outwardly. I guess it's just crummy timing that 30 hit when I was already post-Peak.

The 2 week wait. This one began in my 20s, and will end in my 30s. And not only that, it will be my last "really trying" cycle. I've done a lot of soul searching lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep living like this. My NaPro Dr was right. I need to put trying to conceive on the backburner and live my life. My prayers lately have also changed dramatically - I have been telling God that I am happy to accept a life of suffering and childlessness, and I will embrace the cross as long as I live... but if that is His will for me, to please take me while my husband is still able to remarry and become a father.

I'm ok with that. DH says he would never remarry, but I would just find a way to force him.

OK, so maybe that sounds like a morbid prayer, but I don't feel right "accepting" this cross for both of us. It's not fair to my poor husband. It breaks my heart that he has to go through this torture "by default." And here his sisters are getting pregnant every time we turn around. So clearly, he would be just as fertile with any other wife.

Hm. So maybe that stipulation of staying away from the computer on your 30th birthday should really be for the entire week.

I'm at the end of my rope. For the past 2 years I've been saying that; but it feels like I am dangling from the rope, and those last few frayed ends are tied tightly around my wrist - so every time I try to let go, it holds me and keeps me from falling. Oh, how I wish I had the strength to grab it and climb it to safety, or to reach up and cut it from my wrist.

I have a prayer request - since Holy Thursday, my Aunt and Godmother has been in and out of the hospital, suffering several strokes, blood clots in the legs, then discovering Stage IV lung cancer. Things have gotten progressively worse. She is likely not going to make it past today, and in fact, may already be gone (I can't reach my parents). Please pray for her, and her family, especially my Uncle who is an absolute mess.
I appreciate it.

Sorry for the super depressing post. But c'mon, if you're a regular visitor, you've gotta know by now that when you click over to TCIE, you're in for some heartache.

30 comments:

"His Perfect Timing" said...

I COMPLETELY understand your post about turning 30 and not being a mother!!! That was me just a month ago. I won't say it gets better, but I do admit that there's acceptance (although sometimes its bitter and you still hurt).
My husband is also from a fertile family and I've said the same thing to him about "leaving me" for someone else. God sends us good men that will stick by us no matter what. If your hubby is anything like mine, it has not even entered his mind to leave you because if your lack of children together. It just won't happen.
You will remain in my prayers and I'm so sorry that this birthday has been so rough. Prayers also for your Aunt and family.

JoAnna said...

First of all, happy birthday! I'm glad you had a fun spa day.

Your prayer just broke my heart. Might I suggest that you change your prayer to simply, "God, may your Will be done in my life?"

If your husband contracted the mumps or some illness that had rendered him sterile, would you want him to pray for his own death so that you could remarry someone else? Perhaps it is God's will that you are both childless for some greater purpose; perhaps not. But I can't help but feel that praying for your own death, for this reason, is not a prayer that will help lead you to greater holiness.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Good point, JoAnna.
And I'll admit... it was partially selfish, because if He takes me early, then my suffering will be shortened, too.

Probably not a great prayer, as you said.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

What a sweet hubby. Happy Birthday, again. And know of my continued prayers for you.

Hannah's Song said...

TCIE...Happy Birthday!!! I loved my 30s....They are the "new 20's"..

barbie said...

What a sweet man you married, throwing you a surprise! I know 30 looks ugly, but on the other side you feel exactly the same. :) I love you, you are a beautiful soul and you AND your hubby remin in my prayers. I will keep pestering God to give you a baby....even if you stop!

Lisa said...

Happy birthday, and I still have reason to hope for you. Even more than before, in some ways. So... hang in there.

BlessedBeLord said...

Happy Birthday TCIE!
I know how it hurts to constantly pray & do everything possible but still keep getting "No" for an answer.. but don't give up. God has a bigger plan for you. He is preparing you for bigger blessings.. May he give you the strength you need. Praying for you always..

Window On The Prairie said...

Today is our anniversary, 3 years we've been married. But we've been trying to start a family for most of that time and - nothing. In fact, Aunt Flo dropped in for a visit today. I'm so depressed right now. I'm 42 and know my clock is about wound down. I try to accept what God sends, but this is a super toughie. Please send prayers.

Silvana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Silvana said...

Cara TCIE,
scusa se lo scrivo qui ma non c'e' il link alla tua email. Leggo il tuo post: vedi tutto nero, tanto scoraggiamento, niente speranza e preghi persino di morire. Te lo dico con tutto il cuore ed in amicizia, cerca aiuto perche' stai cadendo in una brutta depressione.
Un grande abbraccio e la mia preghiera per te.

Little JoAnn said...

; I was thinking of you all day on your birthday...

Anonymous said...

Not TOO long ago, I felt and expressed to my husband the feelings of guilt I have for not being able to bear his children. I wondered . . . if he hadn't married ME, he may have been blessed with children by now. My husband found this offensive because (although he knew this was not my intention)this line of thinking necessarily suggests that God did not will for US to be husband and wife. He married ME for me, not because of a good (children) that may come from our love. This is the cross and blessing that God has given us and we strive to focus on and live out the vocation that we know we do have--to love one another. It still pains me so very deeply sometimes to be childless, but I am praying and trying to really focus on the many other ways He has blessed our lives. I certainly don't live this out perfectly, but He sees my heart and "tomorrow is a new day".
I continue to pray for you, TCIE and wish you all the best. Happy 30th Birthday. Your life is such a blessing to us!

Rebecca @ The Road Home said...

Oh how I hated turning 30! It's a long story, but it too centered around the fact that there wasn't a baby on the way - even though we'd not even 'tried' once.

I can tell you - turning 31 is better, if only because it means you're not 30 anymore.

I like JoAnna's prayer suggestion!

And I will be praying for you.

Rebecca @ The Road Home said...

Someday I will remember to subscribe the first time!

E said...

Oh dear friend, Happy belated Birthday!!! I wasn't a mother in my 20's either. :(

What a thoughtful hubby you have, he did WAY better than mine. :)

Don't forget that now both of you are one. Your marriage vows made this and you carry this suffering together, differently, but together.

Sissy said...

I know what you mean about being over 30 and not being a mother. I'm turning 35 this year and not liking this one bit!

CM said...

30 is tough for something like this. I can't believe I've hit my 30's and I'm still no closer to a family than I've ever been (as far as I can tell). Anyway, you have my sympathy and my prayers!

doctorgianna said...

Was I with you on your b-day last year and you didn't tell me?!?!?!

Please don't say that prayer. It may be true that you long to be with God in heaven, but life is a gift even if it contains suffering. And your DH's and your suffering is redemptive for you both and likely many other spiritual children out there that you may or may not know. In having one's own PHYSICAL children, one can play a part in God's plan by helping lead the children to the beatific vision, but YOU may be leading a lot more than the rest of us through your suffering here on earth. You and DH may also be winning salvation because you are married to each other.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I have high hopes for your thirties, girlfriend. (I can barely remember them myself, it's been that long…)

You are a gift to this world, to your husband, and to all of us who hang on your every word and sit at your feet for wisdom.

You do realize how rare it is to be so wise at your young age?

Praying as always, friend.

Julie said...

I absolutely hated turning 30 and still childless...with no change in sight (just denied a home study the year before).
My party was attended by ALL mothers, a couple of them pregnant with #2, and #4 and one with a newborn (nursing so she brought him with). It was bittersweet to have friends who love me, but yet cannot relate to me or what I was feeling. As an infertile (10+ years) I am pretty sure I will never "fit in" with them, but I am no longer childless, so now I can at least sit on the fence and watch...but this barbed wire is killing me!

Praying for you!!! Now and always!

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

Need new short haircut pics - ASAP. 'Love your redecorated blog and the house photo. Listen, I've had one kid in each decade hon and take it from 41 year old me - you are still young sister! Now me and bubble lady are the OLD birdies, bitties, batties...whatever.

Sarah said...

As a fellow 30-year-old... I know what you mean about never being a mother in your 20's. In fact, my 20's were not the "time of my life" that people said they would be! Praying that your 30's brings you renewed strength and joy.

Second Chances said...

Happy Birthday! And praying for you too friend :)

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

What a precious hubby:) Happy birthday:) We are all happy you were born! I understand your heartache to an extent and am always praying for you.

callmemama said...

For me, 29 was so much worse than 30. Maybe because I still had hope of getting pregnant, but for 30 I didn't really? Who knows, but yes it did feel like the end of something. And I wanted to have all 4 of my kids by 30, not just get started by then!
If you had asked me last year, I would have had no idea what my 31st birthday would hold (meeting my son). So I guess I'm kinda biased about how 31 feels...
Anyway, your 30's is not the end, but rather the beginning. And it doesn't really feel that much different than 20's after all. You mean, I'm supposed to be a grown up now? ;)
Happy Birthday! I hope this year brings you much joy and maybe a good surprise or two :).

Tridentine Wife said...

Yes I realize I am late in wishing you a happy birthday, but better late than never: Happy Birthday my dear friend! I think about you often and I am here for you even though we're miles away :)

P.S. If you ever need a spa day in CA, you're welcome here anytime!

polkadot said...

Happy birthday, my friend!! So sorry you were sneak attacked. I like your idea of avoiding the internet for a week instead of just on your birthday. :)

My birthday fell during the 2ww too. I kept hoping I would get a BFP so I could say I got pregnant in my 20s...but it wasn't to be.

Praying for you and your family.

Perfect Power in Weakness said...

Happy belated birthday, TCIE! I just turned 33 on the 26th and know your feelings about turning 30 all too well. Praying 30 is the year for you!

Lavished with Lemons said...

I know I'm late in commenting, but happy birthday! I'm not quite 30 yet, but I can relate to a lot of what you've said. When I was younger, I thought I'd be "done" having kids by 30, and at this point, I'll be lucky if I have one child by then. I also felt like a failure when I lost the pregnancy....my body didn't do what it was supposed to. Praying for you!