I may be having a delayed emotional response to the therapy. Or, perhaps I'm just being more pensive than usual and letting things get to me.
I'm beginning to realize just how many children could have been members of our family at this point. From May 2007, we could have had one, two, three, or even four biological children. And from June 2009, we could have been matched and placed with ANY one of the adoptive children with our agency. I try not to think about this fact for obvious reasons, but sometimes it just stares me in the face and I wonder what is it all for? I see the blessing in our infertility (or rather, blessings plural). I just can't see any blessings in our not being able to adopt or foster.
Today, my husband could have been, SHOULD have been celebrating his first or even second Father's Day, had we been approved to adopt in June 2009. It breaks my heart that for whatever reason, God decided those children were not meant to be ours.
I've been praying and trying very hard to get to a place where childless living can be full of love and joy and peace for us, at all times, not just sporadically. But I think as long as my heart beats, it will beat for the children who will never call me "Mommy."
It may not help that I'm pretty sure I already ovulated, and I was basically dry this entire cycle with the exception of some crummy mucus that may have been seminal fluid. This cycle is definately not a good one.
Shoot, I really hope this is an emotional release from the therapy, and not my newfound crappy attitude :(