Friday, May 6, 2011

Big Fat Double Negative

After another BFN yesterday morning, I decided to plunge headfirst into finalizing all the plans for June's Clear Passage Therapy in Florida. A good blog friend has generously offered discount plane tickets, and another good IRL friend (whose NaPro baby we will serve as godparents to in October!!) is letting us use her hotel discount since she gets a friends & family rate. These are HUGE, since we are really in financial dire straits at the moment... and did I mention the therapy itself is $5,200?

I won't lie and say I wasn't devastated by the BFN. But I have to keep reminding myself that a miracle has taken place - 5 years ago, my body wouldn't, couldn't ovulate on its own. After surgery and some medication for PCOS, it ovulated normally. Weaning off of the meds, it continued ovulating normally... and this past cycle, it ovulated TWO EGGS on its own, without medication. Yes, I can see that things are improving, and I am thrilled with that. But it still hurts like hell that when OTHER people rejoice in miracles and blessings, they usually aren't rejoicing in the fact that their ovary worked the way it was designed to. Others get to rejoice in pregnancies and adoptions. I have to settle for rejoicing in the mundane:
"Yay, my husband didn't get arrested today!"
"Praise God, none of my friends or pets have died this month!"
"Halleluia, I ovulated!"

I really should make it a rule that I don't blog when I'm PMSing. These aren't exactly my most hopeful or inspiring posts ;)

23 comments:

barbie said...

Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That stinks! I was hoping my prayers were heard! They will be....I believe! I believe, I believe!!

some how, some way, some day said...

Good Lord, I wish I could hug you right now....we both need it.

More Than Anything said...

As much as I really want you to come to Florida, I was really hoping you wouldn't have to. I'm sorry!

PMS sucks the big one!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I am so sorry. I know you are devastated about the BFN. But I was going to say sort of what you already did: Your body is waking up! It's starting to perform, baby! Have mercy on it, and find hope there, because one day it's gonna do its job! It's in revving up, practice mode. I just know it's powering up for the big one!

Second Chances said...

Maybe not your most hopeful posts, but honest and helpful to so many others who are suffering as well.

SO glad to see that you have gotten help to get to Florida and have the treatment. That's totally God opening doors so this must be a good thing.

Abigail said...

Can't imagine how tough Mother's Day weekend is going to be for you. I'm praying for you!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I hear ya. One of my clients wished me Happy Mother's Day on the phone today. :( He meant well but it hurt.

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

I'm so thrilled your body is working so beautifully now and praying it cooperates!!!!! SOON!!!!!

Little JoAnn said...

I am with Leila on the powering up mode. OH YES SIR EEEE I see the power rising and the healing complete and the BFP.

Just curious about one thing...does your husband take the vitamins (I get remember their name) that help with sperm health?

I think they are called conception X or something, bascially anti-oxidants...

Also, as crazy as this sounds, does he keep things cool down there? Is he smoke free and free from toxic or environmental pollutants.

His is A1C good? Is his weight good?

Just being my usual crazy and annoying self with these questions.

"His Perfect Timing" said...

Don't worry about the not-so-positive posts. We have all been there too! I'm hoping you can get some answers or a BFP!

Cathy said...

Sounds hollow, but I'm surely keeping you in my prayers.

St. Rita's Roses said...

Arrh!!! So sorry- I should have read this post before I emailed you! Sending prayers.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Sorry TCIE, prayers continuing to come. Like Cathy, I think that sounds hollow, I wish there was more I could do.

polkadot said...

I am rejoicing with you that your ovaries cooperated!! I don't think it's that mundane...it's a huge step forward. With a BFN this time, we have to try to see the positive somewhere, right? Right! :)

I'll be praying for you especially hard tomorrow.

JellyBelly said...

Is it a comfort at all that I am right here with you? We need to get to infertile island pronto!

Ovulation on your own is fantastic! I'm continuing to lift you up in prayer, my dear friend!

none said...

:*-( I am so sorry. please...have a nice drink (or 5) this weekend....maybe get a manicure and dream of Florida!

Elisabeth said...

that was from me

E said...

Ouch, that does hurt. Friend, thinking of you this mother's day. :)

Tridentine Wife said...

Ahhh gosh I'm sorry. It still sounds like you're making progress but I know that's not exactly what you want to hear right now.

LifeHopes said...

I think its good and right that you are seeing the big picture. True, this cycle was not a pregnancy cycle, but THINGS ARE BEGINNING AGAIN TO WORK! Praise Bd To God!

I do think, even when things are "working" for people with infertility, it just takes a heck of a long time - STILL. Don't know why, I've just seen it happen that way for a lot of people. Maybe that is why napro does the whole "12 effective cycles" thing ... I don't know.

I am really disappointed bc i had my hopes up this time round. I will keep praying though.

the misfit said...

I get a little bitter about being "supposed to" be grateful for things that other people take for granted, too. On the other hand...now you get to experience an "internal massage" and enlighten the rest of us - right? :/

Praying for Hope said...

There's nothing wrong with rejoicng in the mundane. Mundane is underrated. I'm serious. Some people don't have even that. That's something I tried to keep in mind when I hit my worst days.

I'm glad you at least have the everyday things to celebrate. I do believe your do for something over and above mundane. A positive something. An upbeat something.

matchingmoonheads said...

i have nothing important to say but just that i was following your posts this month and was really hoping that "big fat double negative" was actually two lines! (double negative right? ok, lame joke) but misreading pregnancy tests? that would only be me...not you! i'm glad to see that you're seeing progress and am crazy intrigued by this internal massage?! what's the thought behind that? i'm sure you'll post more....