Victorian

Yes, we own THIS house:

Closing on our House

Yes, I said it. OUR house.

Our mortgage FINALLY went through on December 22nd, and we were told we could close as early as Dec 23rd. Since I was already filling in for a colleague at work that day (not to mention it was Christmas weekend, and we weren't going to be around to move), we decided to set the closing date for Wednesday, Dec. 29th instead.

This is actually happening :)

After 4.5 years of marriage and living with my in-laws, we are finally getting our own home.

I am beyond excited.

Today I also found out that our good friends, (whom we met at Marriage Encounter in February, and they became infertility clients of mine) - are pregnant. She JUST had surgery with Dr S in November, and this was the first cycle since surgery :) And the 2nd clients of mine who conceived on the first cycle after surgery! This is such great news! It's a great week all around.

Way to redeem yourself, 2010! (Well, maybe not fully, but at least we're on an upswing...)

Prayer Buddy Reveal

Merry Christmas!!

I was so so happy to get the name of one of the sweetest, most faithful women I've had the pleasure of "reading" to pray for this Advent. She is childless, infertile, and waiting to adopt - so I obviously feel very close to her. But then I came on my blog this morning to read about how she, too, recently thought she was pregnant only to discover she was not.

Truth be told, I was praying that she and her husband could adopt soon, but I also prayed very hard that if it is His will, she also be able to conceive and be healed of her physical infertility. Oh, how I wish you had been pregnant, Sissy!! That would have made my Christmas!!

I prayed for you daily, and did a rosary for your family last evening as I sat in Mass a half hour early (to get a good seat!). I hope my prayers brought you some peace, and I hope even more that your child will come to you SOON!

God Bless you, Sissy :)


PS I had the pleasure of coming on the blogs to read more lovely comments from Ms. Anonymous on Christmas Day, and so I've decided it's time I leave comments open only to registered users. I really didn't want to have to do that, but I have to protect my family. Anonymous, may I please suggest in a nice way that you stop reading my blog? Clearly you get nothing out of it.

What a Difference A Day Makes

(I'm pretty sure I've used this exact blog post title once before... and I hate to repeat... hmmm...)

Really, though, between Monday and Tuesday, it was like the dark, dank, depths of Night and the glorious light of Day.

And that can ONLY be due to all of your comments, emails, thoughts, and most of all, prayers. I have NO IDEA how it worked so quickly, but it did. I feel like nothing ever happened. Which is miraculous!

Of course, I have not forgotten. I remember every single detail. (And thanks to my blog, I will have those details for the rest of my life.) But it seems like such a long time ago that it happened, as opposed to just two days ago.

I still haven't really figured out why I had to go through that. It makes no sense to me that compounded progesterone vaginal capsules of 400mgs would be stronger and last longer than intramuscular injections of progesterone at 2,000units, or hCG (the pregnant hormone) at 2,000units. Whatever.

I do have to say something. What my husband and I have been through, particularly over this past year, I honestly don't think we would have survived without this blog and all of you. I don't mean that we wouldn't be alive, but we would likely be separated, unstable, failing in mental and physical health, and/or in a clinic for treatment of depression. When bad things happen, I find that I am on the computer as soon as I'm physically able, to tell you all about it, and then I wait eagerly for God to speak to me through all of your comments. They soothe me in ways I can't explain; and they bring peace to my husband, as well, when I read them to him.

No matter how short and sweet, each and every comment means the world to us both. You brought us back to life in one day. I still can't get over that.

Thank you for being there for us.

A very Merry Christmas to you all.

- The TCWEs (Get it?)

I Didn't Know I Wasn't Pregnant

My period was due Thursday. By Friday evening, I still didn't have any spotting, and began to wonder... could it be?

Saturday morning (3rd day late), I was at my NaPro Dr's office and asked her to run a blood test. My home pregnancy test was negative. All day long I expected to see some brown staining, which I always get before my period starts. For a couple of days I had felt mild cramping low in my pelvis, lasting only a few seconds each time, and then they stopped. My breasts were no longer tender like they normally are up until the night before AF. I was "going" to the bathroom like clockwork (and am usually a bit constipated up until the day she shows), and my skin was clearer than ever (while I tend to get the "warning" pimple right before my period).

I also knew exactly when I ovulated, and I knew THAT I ovulated and didn't form a cyst, because on day 15 of my cycle, I, yes, wanded myself and saw a very obvious corpus luteum on the left ovary (where I had seen a mature follicle two days earlier).

All signs, except the most obvious one on the home pregnancy test, were pointing to Pregnant.

Saturday night I prayed to every Saint I've ever prayed to, and then some. I touched my prayer cards to St Gianna and St Gerard, and asked them to please step up the prayers for me now more than ever. I put on the healing oil of Archangel Raphael (my Patron Saint 2010, the Saint of healing, and whose oil my grandmother had amongst her belongings and then I received when she passed away). I told St Therese that I was still waiting for her to send me a sign (a red rose) in response to my last Novena, and I pleaded with my Grandmother (named Rose) to keep praying as hard as she could on my behalf. I even prayed to little Andrew, the 3 year old boy martyred recently in Baghdad while at Mass, and asked him to pray that life was in my womb. I pulled out all the stops. I think the reason I prayed so hard was because I knew what the implications would be if I wasn't pregnant. I knew it was too late to not let myself "go there," because my post-Peak (luteal) phases are like clockwork, and even though I had tried a new compounded form of progesterone this cycle, I had taken the last pill Monday night. I have NEVER gone past P+15 before. Never. Not on progesterone injections, not on hCG, not on prometrium. Never. If tomorrow my period didn't arrive, it would be P+18. I knew what that meant.

Sunday morning I woke up and still there was no sign of AF. At this point, I told DH I was near positive I was pregnant, and that my body just wasn't producing enough hCG in the urine. (I'd read several stories online of women whose home pregnancy tests weren't positive until the 5th or 6th week, and some even later than that.) Of course, the whole time I was thinking and saying these things, I was looking at it from a purely scientific standpoint: the facts all pointed to one thing and one thing only. I was pregnant. But any time I tried to wrap my mind around the emotional fact that I could be pregnant,... well,... I just couldn't think about it. It scared me near to death.

As DH and I got ready for Mass, we talked about how next Christmas, we would have a baby. It brought us to tears. We would be able to tell my family this Christmas Eve, just like I had always dreamed!! I told him, "Maybe we shouldn't get our hopes up until we get that final confirmation from the blood test," but then I quickly changed my mind and said, "You know what? If I'm not pregnant, at least we can enjoy these few days of pretending we are, because we may never get this opportunity again." And so, I let myself go there. I was pregnant.

Mass was beautiful. The readings were ironically apropos, addressing the fact that God sends "signs" on His time, and the homily spoke of the fact that signs are not given to strengthen our faith but rather to show us that our faith is already strong. We should not rely on signs but accept them as they come. I smiled at DH, because we knew God was telling us we didn't NEED the "positive" sign of the home pregnancy test to inform us of what we already knew in our hearts. We were pregnant.

As I went up to receive, I almost couldn't handle the enormousness of it all. I was talking inwardly to my child, saying, "You just came from God, and now He is going to be with you again as we join Him in Holy Communion." It was unbearable, the joy in my heart... I almost burst.

After Mass, DH drove me to the Dr's office for a quick ultrasound I had to perform on a patient who was getting the NaPro follicle series done. We arrived early, and for some silly reason, I decided to start a fight with DH. It wasn't a huge fight, but enough to make us both upset. I went in to do the ultrasound, and DH drove down the road to Dunkin' Donuts to get a hot tea.

When I came out of the appointment, DH was waiting for me in the parking lot, and when I opened the passenger's door, there in my seat was a long-stemmed red rose. He told me it was because we had fought, and he was sorry (even though it was my fault!), and I kissed and thanked him.

Three minutes down the road I burst into tears. A red rose!! St. Therese! My grandmother!

DH looked at me worriedly. "What is it??!"

"Honey," I looked up at him through my tears. "We're pregnant."

I told him about my prayers, and he got goosebumps. The remainder of the day was all at once nothing special, and yet perhaps the best day of my life.

This morning I awoke bright and early to go to the lab for follow-up bloodwork. Convinced now more than ever, P+19 and NO BLEEDING, this. was. really. happening. To. ME! While I was handing in my insurance card at the lab, I saw my phone ringing. It was the Dr. I had to let it go to voicemail, but as soon as I got in the room to get my blood drawn, I checked the message quickly before the tech came in.

"TCIE, I wish I was calling with better news. Your blood work from Saturday was negative for hCG. Your progesterone was 6 and your estradiol was 32. Usually patients will not get their period until the progesterone has dropped below 3. I suppose the compounded progesterone worked really well for you... I'm sorry. I'll see you later today."

What happened next is a blur. I know I got my blood taken, but who did it, in what arm, and what I may have said, if anything, I have no idea. When I got back into my car I called DH, and had to then hear him burst into tears. My husband. My life. Broken. It sent me over the edge.

I have no idea how I got home, but I did, and I crawled into bed, with DH by my side.
I remember him saying, "Why did this have to happen NOW? We were happy with the house about to come through..."

At that, I felt a hot tear drop from my lower eyelid and run down my cheek to my pillow. I'm not sure if DH saw it or not, but as if in response to the tear, he mumbled to himself, "Oh, who am I kidding. I don't give a sh*t about the house..."

For a couple of hours I fell back asleep. And when I woke up to go in to work at the Dr's office, I was greeted by my period.


I haven't yet made sense of this. Usually I would wait to post about the details of something horrible happening, until I could at least make a little bit of sense of it. The only thing I can think is that this year, this CRAP-FILLED year (excuse my french), did not want to be outdone, so it sent one more huge zinger our way to make sure we have absolutely NO fond memories of 2010.

I know that negative pregnancy tests, and getting your period are nothing new for the infertile gal. It happens all the time. But I was prepared for this Christmas to be once again a childless one (within or outside the womb). I was prepared. What I was not prepared for was this - this - I don't even know what to call it. Just pure cruelty. Really, I can't think of anything more cruel to happen to an infertile couple who CAN'T ADOPT. And to see my husband so affected by it? I'm about ready to lose it. No. Wait. I already have.

I have no strength left in me. My head is pounding. I don't know what to do with myself.

Please pray for my husband. Without him and his strength, I can't go on.

Inspired Words on Prayer

My previous post really got me thinking a lot, and I have to thank all of you for sharing your clearly inspired comments. I've collected several of the comments below that were most helpful for me in getting through that dark patch. Seeing all of this compiled together in one place really does amaze me... to have friends like you all, the vast majority of whom I've never even met, giving me such amazing advice and bringing me out of the funk time and time again... well, it's obvious to me now. YOU are the answer to my incessant prayers. Thank you :)


I am reminded of the saying I once heard that God never does NOT answer prayers...just that sometimes His answer is YES, sometimes it is No, and sometimes it is NOT NOW.


... some of us, are called to (the word call is not right) to WAIT longer than others.


I guess I see prayer as a way to grow in our relationship with God. For awhile I had a hard time praying to him for what I needed, wanted or was longing for - it felt like I was treating him like a bubble gum machine - insert prayer and expect the desired result to pop out! Then, I realized that in any deep and close relationship, you share your thoughts, dreams, hopes, disappointments and desires - so of course we should share these with our Lord, our Father, brother and friend.

But what I do know is that I would not trade these years of suffering for anything. They have given us a whole new set of eyes in seeing the value (invalue really) of material things, and taught us, no INGRAINED in us, that people's souls are the only things that last forever. Without these years of suffering, I don't think we'd be anywhere close to understanding this concept.

Ultimately, it was His time and whatever we were doing in the meantime was our response to a difficult situation. Hopefully, our response was to use that difficulty to grow closer.


I don't believe God's answer is ever "no." Actually, He hears all prayers but answers them in His own way. That is not equal to a "no." What I think He does deny us, for our own good, is the way in which WE want the prayers to be answered. I think there's a great difference.

If none of us had our prayers answered like that, would anyone really believe in the power of prayer?

For some things, there is relief and comfort; for other things (especially of a spiritual nature), the "thorn in the flesh" is allowed to remain, to keep us grounded.


Lately I've been thinking a whole lot about how Jesus cured some people right on the spot, while others had to persist in their pleas, and it's all a matter of His wisdom and providence. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say! He may be just calling you to deeper trust, deeper humility. For some, a brilliant answer to prayer may be what they needed for that trust and humility to blossom; for others, suffering does this.

Even if the very fact of those people receiving them is a source of additional suffering to me, He will provide me with an oppportunity to grow in love and in holiness through whatever miseries I have to suffer in the earthly life.

I don't think my prayers *resulted* in my son, I believe that what changed in my life (physically and spiritually) were necessary steps to conceiving and that my prayers obtained for me the grace to prepare for such a gift.
Jesus did insist on some people literally begging for a cure before He would give it, and finally He would often say, "Great is your faith!" so He truly was testing them and strengthening their faith at the same time.


Prayers change our minds, not God's. I took this as God has his mind set on our special plan and that it is the trusting and praying to Him that somehow changes us into being better at accepting our challenges.



I am still in a waiting game at this time, and the next few days are going to be difficult to get through as I wait, and pray. "Lord, protect us from all anxiety, as we wait in joyful hope..."

Prayers

This post is going to me more of a question than an answer. So, your thoughts are appreciated!

I just came from a dear friend's blog, DrGianna, whose beautiful baby girl Ivory was born exactly one year to the date of her St Andrew Novena, during which time she prayed fervently for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. Truly these answers to prayers are beautiful and obvious reminders of God's love for us. I always get goosebumps hearing about things like that! And looking around the Catholic blogs, there are a TON of similar stories...

But then there's the rest of us. Those of us who have literally exhausted all of our prayers, have pulled out every Novena known to man and even some obscure ones that many haven't heard of... and our prayers aren't being answered. Or at least, not yet. What are we doing wrong? Why aren't our prayers heard?

One of the reasons I brought the Prayer Buddy idea to the Blogs was because I firmly believe that when we pray FOR others, those prayers are somehow stronger than the ones they offer for themselves. Likewise, the prayers offered FOR us are stronger than the ones we offer for ourselves. Again, it would seem there's something to that, looking back at last Advent and the outpouring of pregnancy and adoption announcements... and then Lent.

But again, here several of us remain. And I can't understand it. Not only can I not understand it, but I can't STAND it. It unnerves me to see so many faithful, amazing women still not advancing in their adoption plans, still not getting any closer to a pregnancy... I get more upset for you all than I get for myself. This is a new level of suffering that just doesn't seem fair. At least a few years ago the Infertile Blog Community was, well, Infertile! We had a place we could come and vent, pray for each other, and know that what we were going through, everyone else could relate to IN THAT MOMENT. Now, with so many having had their prayers answered (and please don't take this to mean I am not happy for all of you who HAVE had your prayers answered), it's very different here.

It reminds me of those commercials... I think it's for some kind of insurance company... the man says to one kid, "How would you like a pony?!" and she ecstatically answers, "YEAH!!" His assistant brings out a pony, and she is beaming from ear to ear. He turns to the other kid and asks her, "And how would YOU like a pony?" Of course, she gets so excited she can't hide it, and quickly says, "Yes, yes!" And then he reaches in his pocket and takes out a plastic toy pony.

Really. I feel like some of us have been handed the short end of the stick, here. There are women riding their ponies ALL around us, and here we are with our despicable, sad little plastic imitations.

So, how exactly do prayers work? Why do the endless prayers of some go unanswered?

Sometimes I really just want to crawl up in a ball and not wake up for weeks...

And I really need to stop blogging when I'm PMSing...

What's in Store

This has been a rough year. I realize I've said that every December that I've been infertile... but this year really tops the cake. I REFUSE to do a "Year in Review" for this year, because reading it all in one fell swoop may push me over the edge and put me in a strait jacket. Seriously. I am lucky to have survived.

Amidst the suffering there were a ton of blessings, and I will not overlook those. My new career in ultrasound has really picked up, and I'm now working 3 jobs (2 in ultrasound, 1 in FertilityCare), and have just been approached for 2 MORE ultrasound positions! One is for a new NaPro physician in my State, and the other is for the local crisis pregnancy center. Unless I stop eating and sleeping I don't think I'll be able to work 5 jobs, I barely am able to manage now... but nonetheless it is remarkable how very blessed I am to have these opportunities in this economy.

The financial compensation of my jobs are certainly a big blessing, but the biggest blessing has been that I've been too busy to stop and think about my childlessness. I have entered a new phase of my life, where I am concentrating on career and soon, hopefully, house renovations... but deep down, when I have some free time to get on the blogs and write on my own, I recognize the old familiar yearning that has never disappeared. My desire for children is ever-present. It's just not in the spot light anymore.

In thinking ahead to the upcoming year, I wonder what God has in store for me. This Christmas most of the IF blog community will be celebrating with their babies... and one whole year from now, I still won't have any (unless by miracle of conception within 3 months). A very unlikely possibility, given that my stool sample results came back with all kinds of wonky problems that I don't understand. Just when I think I'm getting healthier, too. Dr D. in California wants me to make an actual phone appointment to review all the results because, and I quote, my "case is getting too complicated" and she thought she'd be able to just give me some suggestions in the beginning ;) Ohhhh, the poor lady, little did she know I may just be THE MOST COMPLICATED CASE in the United States of America. Really. I challenge you to find one more complicated.

Oh, great, and now I'm crying. This is why I generally refrain from writing blog posts about my infertility and inability to adopt, especially when my period is looming... ;)

But I'm trying my darndest not to bring this bitterness and utter sadness to Christmas. And I'm trying to offer it for the intentions of my Prayer Buddy.

I wish my godbaby lived close, I would be there in a heartbeat... she'd make everything better :)

I'm in Love...

with my new Goddaughter, Hannah Grace, aka Baby Sew:





My Christmas gift came early this year... I can ask for nothing more :)

Christmas Message and my poor husband

First, I want to post this awesome excerpt from Father Corapi- a Christmas Message I think everyone can benefit from, but in particular those of us still waiting:

Christmas Greetings

An excerpt from Father Corapi's book, "Letters"




In the course of a life's journey there are often stretches of bad road. It seems that some people have an easier time than others, but it is a rare individual that never encounters a rough stretch. In recent years, perhaps that's why I have found an increasing number of people that liken themselves to old cars. One poor woman said she felt very old. When I reminded her that she was only 39, she responded that she's like a three year old car - not that old, but with over 500,000 miles - most of it over bad roads.

It is a rather well known fact that the Christmas holidays are the most difficult period many people face all year. Many of my pastor friends tell me that more people die during the week before Christmas than any other time.

With the erosion of family unity has come sadness, all at a time that should be joyful. Sometimes we can only be happy by willing it, often not merely by feeling it. Reality demands that at Christmas we will to be happy, after all "A Child has been born to us!"

As I look out my window the snow is falling and the pine trees are clothed in Christmas white. It is very silent, perhaps a prelude to a silent night not far off. At a time when the forces of evil are relentless in their attempts to not only take Christ out of Christmas, but to suppress Christmas altogether, we must be just as relentless in our efforts to give glory to God through his Son, Jesus Christ.

This year approach Christmas as you would approach the Christ Child himself - with reverence and with thanksgiving. Allow nothing to rob your joy at this precious time. Sadness has no place in reality, true reality, for the Word has become flesh and dwelt among us. Humanity and divinity have been joined in Jesus, now come to us as an infant. In the cold winter of human hearts there is often no room at the Inn for the Holy Family. Make room in the warmth of your heart for the infant King the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Often the greatest joy is experienced by giving something to others: A smile, forgiveness, perhaps the gift of faith itself.

Have a most blessed and merry Christmas, and may God give you the Gift who contains all gifts: the Holy Spirit.




God bless you,

Fr. John Corapi

I am absolutely going to try this approach this Advent season. So far, so good. I think it's been a little easier this year because we haven't put our tree up yet, as we usually do on the First Sunday of Advent. We are waiting until we are in the new house (which is an advent all of its own!) and then hopefully the emphasis will be on the excitement of celebrating the coming of our Lord in our new home, and not on "here were are again decorating another tree without a child."

Today I was struck by how optimistic and hopeful my husband is. Is it just mine who does this, or do others of you notice your hubbies still getting excited about your cycles and believing you may be pregnant?? For my own sanity, I don't even think this way anymore. Not that I'm pessimistic or not hopeful, but I figure if it happens, it happens, and I'll eventually find out when my period's late. But I can't keep living through the "2WW" (two week wait) anymore. Today at church, before Mass began, DH noticed that Wednesday is the Feast of Immaculate Conception, and he looked at me and said, "Oh wow, when do you implant??" I just looked at him with the blankest of stares... I literally had NO idea what he was talking about!! He repeated, "When do you implant, it would be around Wednesday, wouldn't it?" It took me another 5 seconds to catch on, and then the light bulb went off. "OHHHHH, you mean if I were pregnant? Ummm... yeah, I guess sometime this week... not really sure..." He was so excited to think that I was pregnant and could be implanting on the Feast Day of our Lady. It broke my heart to see him so giddy like that. I know that sounds harsh, and one of the things I LOVE about my husband is his optimistic nature... but I just know how much more it hurts when you've put all of your hopes into a cycle, only to see it once again fail.

Unless of course my Prayer Buddy happens to be a miracle-worker.

Speaking of Prayer Buddies, I have really enjoyed praying for mine!! I hope that she is benefiting from my prayers. I LOVE Prayer Buddies!!!
As for the poor soul who has the fruitless job of praying for my sorry barren butt, your prayers for the house closing soon would be appreciated!


I'll end with my favorite line from the above passage, which I have to keep repeating to myself over the next few weeks:

"This year, approach Christmas as you would approach the Christ Child Himself - with reverance and with thanksgiving." I certainly wouldn't approach Baby Jesus with dread, sorrow, and anxiety, as I've approached many Christmases in the past. Gotta remember this...