First, let me say that my lack of posting lately has not been for lack of thoughts and updates, but rather, I have been working non-stop, 7 days a week. The influx of new clients has been insane, and this upcoming week I am working 8 hour days every day Mon-Fri. I haven't had a moment to take a deep breath, let alone write a blog post.
But today I don't want to waste my time on updates about work, Creighton clients, my Drs appointment, or the house (though there is a lot of drama surrounding our mortgage recently, and I'm trusting that if we don't get approved for the mortgage, it will all be part of God's great plan). Instead, I want to focus on a topic that this blog has seen a lot of in the past: suffering.
Yesterday I went to see Father John Corapi in Newark, NJ. The all-day event was a part of his series on Spiritual Warfare, and it was unbelievable. As tired as I was, he managed to not only keep me awake but also riveted throughout the day. One part of what he spoke about was suffering, and why God allows it. God's plan does not INCLUDE suffering for anyone - there is no pain or evil involved in God's creation, and instead these things came to be due to pride. The belief that WE know what is best for us, and WE should have the RIGHT to do whatever and however we want to get what we want... in essence, placing ourselves above God (creature above Creator), is such a vain belief. But pride is also thinking that anything good that does come to be in our lives was our own doing. And this last part is something I have been working on for a while.
As some of you may know about me, before I experienced infertility, there was not much in my life that I couldn't achieve if I set out to achieve it. God was certainly a part of my life, and I enjoyed praying and going to Mass. I felt His presence in my life, for sure. But it was so different than it is now. His presence in my life then was almost like my mother's presence in my life while I was in college. Just a phone call away, there when I needed something, but I rarely needed anything except the occasional check-in. That's how my relationship with God used to be. To me, not knowing any different, it was wonderful. I knew I could count on Him, and that He would always be there.
Now my relationship with God has gone to a whole new level. And it took SUFFERING, in many different forms, to get me there. The first big trial I was faced with came before I was married. Then came infertility. In the midst of infertility came financial suffering along with living environment/relationship with in-laws/DH's job stress and suffering. Then came adoption denial suffering. These sufferings continue to the present day- I call them my "chronic" sufferings at this point. But punctuating these chronic sufferings were many intense acute sufferings, like being fired from my job, the death of my best friend and dog Uzi (still undoubtedly the worst day of my life), having to go into surgery all alone, my husband missing our vacation to Cancun, the medical diagnoses which implicated I would not be able to conceive without x, y, z, and so on and so forth.
While all of these sufferings were/are going on, there have also been some notably good things that have developed:
I became a Creighton Model Practitioner
I started a blog
I became an Ultrasonographer
I got not one, but two paying ultrasound jobs
and most notably, but not as tangible,
I found peace and joy in suffering.
I believe that the key to this last part was in surrendering to the pain of the suffering. I recently re-watched "The Business of Being Born" (highly recommend it to those of you who are pregnant, but do NOT recommend it to those of you still waiting unless you are in a really good place at the time), and Ricki Lake described her own birthing experience with those words. She said that at a certain point, she just "gave up" and surrendered to the pain, and it was only then that everything happened quickly and almost effortlessly. Well, after everything I had been through in the past 6+ years (when the suffering began), I knew just what she meant. The labor of my suffering had been all about ME up until recently. It was about all of the pain and sorrow and hurt and anguish happening TO ME, and like any other living creature on this planet, I was trying my best to survive by avoiding the pain, drowning the sorrow, lashing out against the hurt and stomping out the anguish. That was my battleplan and I was sticking to it.
But as Father Corapi said yesterday, my arms were too short to box with God.
As much as I fought back against the suffering, the worse it seemed to get. It wasn't that one day it suddenly dawned on me to surrender... but at a certain point it just became absolutely necessary, because I was all out of ammo.
And so I surrendered. And I lived in it, and I EXPERIENCED it as if for the first time. I won't sugarcoat it - it was NOT fun and it was NOT pretty. But it WAS glorious. Because there, in the midst of the suffering was the joy and peace, these awesome gifts from God, just waiting for me to find them through my surrender. And all at once the presence of God in my life was so much more intimate than I could have imagined. If before my relationship with Him was like that of a college child with their mother, now my relationship with Him was like that of a child in its mother's womb. Totally dependent, totally safe, totally carried, totally one.
Listening to Father Corapi talk about the gifts that can come out of suffering yesterday reminded me of just how lucky I feel to have been given this very specific suffering of infertility. God has already brought such good out of my infertility, and He continues to do it, all the while teaching me to be more humble. Probably the first thing that I suffered in discovering that I had fertility problems was a blow to my pride. The reaction was one of disbelief and denial - ME? Infertile? But I've never had difficulty doing anything! And I deserve a child! How could this be that what I want and deserve doesn't come to me immediately?
Over the years I have grown to truly understand the gift of life, and the gift of children. And this is why I have considered myself so lucky to have the suffering of infertility over other types of suffering - I think this is a crucial understanding to have, and I wish that most people could also understand it. Through it, I was also able to achieve what I REALLY most wanted (but didn't know it): peace and joy.
I wish there could be a tutorial for how to suffer well, and how to find peace and joy in suffering efficiently and quickly. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), I think this is something that each and every child of God has to discover for themselves. Surrendering to the suffering helped me immensely - but I don't want anyone out there who is suffering to think I mean to imply that this is a quick fix for everybody. When it comes to suffering, quick fixes really don't serve you well in the end. When a piece of steel is being tempered to remove its impurities, it may be easier for it to be quickly placed in cold water to stop the suffering of the blazing heat. In the end, it will still have the memory of its brief suffering, but it will not have changed and become a "better" piece of steel. God wants to temper each and every one of us. We all need to find within ourselves the source of His graces to get us through the suffering - NOT JUST what will help us to survive it until it's over, but what will in the end make us better people.
And that's my deep thought for today.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Not Much
I realize it's been an unusually long blog absence for me, and I'm sorry if I had some of you worried. Just around the time my period finally arrived (which is weird since I had that cyst, but I guess my body must have done something resembling ovulation if I got a period), I also came down with a nasty case of laryngitis. Or, it would seem. All I know is after my 6th follow-up appointment on Tuesday evening, I was losing my voice, feeling very tired and achy, and had a sore throat. The next day, voice was on its way out, and Friday it was gone all day. I continued to work through my normal work schedule (Wed-Fri at the imaging center, plus I had follow-ups, Intros, and ultrasounds to do at the NaPro office after work hours), and by Saturday I was DONE. I had one follow-up scheduled for Saturday afternoon that I had to re-schedule. And, I was supposed to go get my fasting blood glucose and insulin levels Saturday morning, but could not get out of bed.
It's a good thing I rested yesterday, because today I'm finally starting to feel better. Feeling sick always kinda sucks, but at least when you're sick and pregnant, you're, well, sick and PREGNANT. I'm just sick and barren. Furthermore, sick and heavily bleeding. (I'd rather be sick at any. other. time. of the month than during my period. Who's with me?)
Aside from the illness, I have not had a lot of time to blog lately. I'm getting into the flow of things at my imaging center job, and getting more comfortable with it, as well as getting TONS of new clients for Creighton Model. An ad ran in our county paper about my NaPro Dr's office, and around the same time, a radio announcement advertised the NYC NaPro Center, which was heard by people in NJ, who then discovered there was a closer NaPro Center than Manhattan. We are getting swamped with new clients, which is great, but I have literally no time left! I miss my blog!!
Finally, the third reason for my absence has been that despite being busy, there isn't much that is very exciting going on at the moment. The house is sorta in limbo, we're negotiating certain inspection items, and not sure if we're closing Oct 31st (highly unlikely) or the original close date of Nov 22nd (more likely, but still a chance it may not happen). I'm trying not to sound pessimistic, here, but the closer we get to actually moving out, the more freaked I'm getting that SOMETHING horrible is going to happen to prevent it. I guess I am having a hard time believing that after the year (year and a half) we've had, that something could actually go in our favor.
On that note, last week's and this week's gospels could not have come at a better time. My prayer life has been, well, let's just say challenged. There have been weeks, seriously, WEEKS that have gone by during which the only prayer coming from my lips or my head was grace before dinner. How sad is that? But I got a wake up call from the homilies at Mass, which talked about prayer two weeks in a row. First: perseverance in prayer. I guess I felt like God has already heard my prayers, and He's working on it, so why keep bothering Him? Plus, I'm sure there was a bit of resentment working its way in there, keeping me from praying prayers of gratitude for what I do have. Additionally, I feel like right now, I'm doing ok, so prayers aren't a dire necessity at the moment.
As if by Divine Intervention, yesterday in the mail I received a book from the Baby Mama of my tiny unborn goddaughter. It is called: "The Power of a Praying Wife." It suddenly dawned on me just how selfish I have been in regards to how I was viewing my prayer life. If I can't muster up a few prayers for myself, I have a DUTY to at least be praying for my husband! He truly is suffering right now, with work and financial stress being at its peak, and the other issues which are keeping us from adoption/foster care. How could I not have been praying for him daily??
Thank you, Sew, for that much-needed slap in the face.
Tomorrow I'll be getting my fasting bloodwork done. I've been off Metformin for about a month now, and it will be very interesting to see what my levels are. Dr D in California thinks I need to eliminate sugar. I may just have to lay over and die right now if that's the case. I am excited about Tuesday's appointment with my NaPro Dr, when we will be figuring out how to implement all of the suggestions and tests Dr D in CA has suggested after our 2 hour phone consult. There is a LOT of stuff she wants to do to improve my health.
I'll keep you posted.
It's a good thing I rested yesterday, because today I'm finally starting to feel better. Feeling sick always kinda sucks, but at least when you're sick and pregnant, you're, well, sick and PREGNANT. I'm just sick and barren. Furthermore, sick and heavily bleeding. (I'd rather be sick at any. other. time. of the month than during my period. Who's with me?)
Aside from the illness, I have not had a lot of time to blog lately. I'm getting into the flow of things at my imaging center job, and getting more comfortable with it, as well as getting TONS of new clients for Creighton Model. An ad ran in our county paper about my NaPro Dr's office, and around the same time, a radio announcement advertised the NYC NaPro Center, which was heard by people in NJ, who then discovered there was a closer NaPro Center than Manhattan. We are getting swamped with new clients, which is great, but I have literally no time left! I miss my blog!!
Finally, the third reason for my absence has been that despite being busy, there isn't much that is very exciting going on at the moment. The house is sorta in limbo, we're negotiating certain inspection items, and not sure if we're closing Oct 31st (highly unlikely) or the original close date of Nov 22nd (more likely, but still a chance it may not happen). I'm trying not to sound pessimistic, here, but the closer we get to actually moving out, the more freaked I'm getting that SOMETHING horrible is going to happen to prevent it. I guess I am having a hard time believing that after the year (year and a half) we've had, that something could actually go in our favor.
On that note, last week's and this week's gospels could not have come at a better time. My prayer life has been, well, let's just say challenged. There have been weeks, seriously, WEEKS that have gone by during which the only prayer coming from my lips or my head was grace before dinner. How sad is that? But I got a wake up call from the homilies at Mass, which talked about prayer two weeks in a row. First: perseverance in prayer. I guess I felt like God has already heard my prayers, and He's working on it, so why keep bothering Him? Plus, I'm sure there was a bit of resentment working its way in there, keeping me from praying prayers of gratitude for what I do have. Additionally, I feel like right now, I'm doing ok, so prayers aren't a dire necessity at the moment.
As if by Divine Intervention, yesterday in the mail I received a book from the Baby Mama of my tiny unborn goddaughter. It is called: "The Power of a Praying Wife." It suddenly dawned on me just how selfish I have been in regards to how I was viewing my prayer life. If I can't muster up a few prayers for myself, I have a DUTY to at least be praying for my husband! He truly is suffering right now, with work and financial stress being at its peak, and the other issues which are keeping us from adoption/foster care. How could I not have been praying for him daily??
Thank you, Sew, for that much-needed slap in the face.
Tomorrow I'll be getting my fasting bloodwork done. I've been off Metformin for about a month now, and it will be very interesting to see what my levels are. Dr D in California thinks I need to eliminate sugar. I may just have to lay over and die right now if that's the case. I am excited about Tuesday's appointment with my NaPro Dr, when we will be figuring out how to implement all of the suggestions and tests Dr D in CA has suggested after our 2 hour phone consult. There is a LOT of stuff she wants to do to improve my health.
I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Dreams
I am PMSing like nobody's business.
Bloated. Sore boobs. BITCHY. Headaches. Bitchy. Hot flashes. Did I mention bitchy?
I recently started weaning off all of my prescription meds. I wasn't on too many as of late, since I wasn't "gung-ho" trying, but I stopped my Naltrexone and Metformin. I was nervous to stop the Metformin, because a) I've been on for a while, and was convinced it was helping my ovulations, b) was told my Dr Kwak-Kim that I should ALWAYS be on Metformin due to the PAI-1 clotting mutation that I have (putting me at greater risk for diabetes in my future, which I also have increased risk for with PCOS), and c) I think I look at my Metformin as a crutch. I can say in theory that I'm not gung-ho trying to conceive, but as long as I'm taking my Metformin, I know I'll be "healthy" enough to do so should God want to throw me a curve ball.
But it was necessary I come off, because I needed to test my fasting glucose and insulin levels. I will be doing that some time this week. Then we'll see if I need to go back on Metformin.
Coming off Naltrexone wasn't nearly as difficult. It costs me $50 a month, so I was happy to save that... but I had forgotten how bad my PMS can be when I'm not taking it :( This REALLY sucks. A couple of days would be fine, but this has already been going on for several.
All that being said, I am eating much healthier lately, getting lots of protein and fiber. I am happy to report that I am visiting the restroom much more frequently :) It is glorious.
Oh, and possibly another PMS symptom (or perhaps just my subconscience going haywire) is the crazy dreams I've been having about the house lately. The first one was that DH and I snuck in to look around inside again, but then ran into the sellers, clearing out the attic rooms! I was mortified to be "caught" in the house we didn't own yet.
The second was much worse. Last night, I dreamt that the realtor contacted us and asked us to meet him at the house. I drove in my own car and DH met me there, but was running behind. When I got there, I sat down to speak with him, and heard other people walking around the house. Suddenly, a young woman came walking down the stairs, with two friends with her and her husband. And, wouldn't you know it, as she turned the corner the first thing I saw was her ginormous pregnant belly. She was looking at the banister saying, "... and this of course I would want to change..." to which her friend responded, "Oh, yeah, that is hideous, I would definitely change that." I started freaking out, and called DH. He showed up shortly after, and the preggo and her people all filed out together after touring the basement.
As soon as they left, DH asked the realtor, in not so many words, what the bleep was going on?!?!?! He responded that this couple was interested in the house, too, and that until closing they were able to look at it. I knew the closing (in the dream) was only a couple weeks away, so I said, "Oh, sure, but what are the odds that they will even make an offer? And even if they did, they couldn't get a mortgage and everything by the time we're ready to close, right?" He just shook his head and said, "Well, they actually came to look at the house first in August, and now they have come back expressing great interest in it. I believe they're already mortgage approved." We. were. livid!!! (Of course this couldn't happen in reality, we are long done with attorney review and no other offers can be accepted. But I was asleep and hallucinating, clearly.) I seriously was SO ticked!!! And of course I woke up hating the non-existent pregnant whore who was stealing my house away from me... not to mention her whore of a friend who dissed my beautiful Victorian banister.
Can you tell I'm still a little peeved? I was re-telling the dream to DH this afternoon and told him, "I can't believe she said that about the banister!!" and he just looked at me and replied, "You mean you can't believe YOU said it? It was your dream."
Um. Yeah.
Apparently this month's PMS symptoms also include insanity.
I'm somewhat concerned, however, that these are not PMS symptoms at all... I do not think I ovulated this cycle. But I DO know that I have a large hemorrhagic cyst on my right ovary :( I scanned myself transabdominally at work on CD 14 and saw what looked like a mature follicle on the right, though I didn't measure it. I was SO EXCITED! MY RIGHT OVARY!!! THE LAZY ONE! OUT OF RETIREMENT!! Finally, something was working correctly. But then the next day I decided to do the unmentionable and, a-hem, scan myself transvaginally. (It's actually not as difficult as it would sound!) The problem with the transabdominal scans is that you can't see detail of cysts - they all look simple and fluid-filled. So, dermoids, endometriomas, follicles, and corpus lutei all look exactly the same. Transvaginally, I measured a 3.75cm septated/debris-filled cyst (hemorrhagic, most likely) on my right. No sign anywhere, on that ovary or the left of a corpus luteum.
I was so disappointed. While I'm not gung-ho trying, it is still a huge disappointment when you can't rely on your body to perform its basic healthy functions. It truly is.
So, is this a functional cyst, secreting hormones and causing these PMS-like symptoms? Or, what the heck is going on?? I miss my Metformin :( It would seem that it was indeed helping me to ovulate normally.
I have an appointment with my NaPro Dr on the 26th. I'll keep you posted as to what her thoughts are on this whole situation.
Bloated. Sore boobs. BITCHY. Headaches. Bitchy. Hot flashes. Did I mention bitchy?
I recently started weaning off all of my prescription meds. I wasn't on too many as of late, since I wasn't "gung-ho" trying, but I stopped my Naltrexone and Metformin. I was nervous to stop the Metformin, because a) I've been on for a while, and was convinced it was helping my ovulations, b) was told my Dr Kwak-Kim that I should ALWAYS be on Metformin due to the PAI-1 clotting mutation that I have (putting me at greater risk for diabetes in my future, which I also have increased risk for with PCOS), and c) I think I look at my Metformin as a crutch. I can say in theory that I'm not gung-ho trying to conceive, but as long as I'm taking my Metformin, I know I'll be "healthy" enough to do so should God want to throw me a curve ball.
But it was necessary I come off, because I needed to test my fasting glucose and insulin levels. I will be doing that some time this week. Then we'll see if I need to go back on Metformin.
Coming off Naltrexone wasn't nearly as difficult. It costs me $50 a month, so I was happy to save that... but I had forgotten how bad my PMS can be when I'm not taking it :( This REALLY sucks. A couple of days would be fine, but this has already been going on for several.
All that being said, I am eating much healthier lately, getting lots of protein and fiber. I am happy to report that I am visiting the restroom much more frequently :) It is glorious.
Oh, and possibly another PMS symptom (or perhaps just my subconscience going haywire) is the crazy dreams I've been having about the house lately. The first one was that DH and I snuck in to look around inside again, but then ran into the sellers, clearing out the attic rooms! I was mortified to be "caught" in the house we didn't own yet.
The second was much worse. Last night, I dreamt that the realtor contacted us and asked us to meet him at the house. I drove in my own car and DH met me there, but was running behind. When I got there, I sat down to speak with him, and heard other people walking around the house. Suddenly, a young woman came walking down the stairs, with two friends with her and her husband. And, wouldn't you know it, as she turned the corner the first thing I saw was her ginormous pregnant belly. She was looking at the banister saying, "... and this of course I would want to change..." to which her friend responded, "Oh, yeah, that is hideous, I would definitely change that." I started freaking out, and called DH. He showed up shortly after, and the preggo and her people all filed out together after touring the basement.
As soon as they left, DH asked the realtor, in not so many words, what the bleep was going on?!?!?! He responded that this couple was interested in the house, too, and that until closing they were able to look at it. I knew the closing (in the dream) was only a couple weeks away, so I said, "Oh, sure, but what are the odds that they will even make an offer? And even if they did, they couldn't get a mortgage and everything by the time we're ready to close, right?" He just shook his head and said, "Well, they actually came to look at the house first in August, and now they have come back expressing great interest in it. I believe they're already mortgage approved." We. were. livid!!! (Of course this couldn't happen in reality, we are long done with attorney review and no other offers can be accepted. But I was asleep and hallucinating, clearly.) I seriously was SO ticked!!! And of course I woke up hating the non-existent pregnant whore who was stealing my house away from me... not to mention her whore of a friend who dissed my beautiful Victorian banister.
Can you tell I'm still a little peeved? I was re-telling the dream to DH this afternoon and told him, "I can't believe she said that about the banister!!" and he just looked at me and replied, "You mean you can't believe YOU said it? It was your dream."
Um. Yeah.
Apparently this month's PMS symptoms also include insanity.
I'm somewhat concerned, however, that these are not PMS symptoms at all... I do not think I ovulated this cycle. But I DO know that I have a large hemorrhagic cyst on my right ovary :( I scanned myself transabdominally at work on CD 14 and saw what looked like a mature follicle on the right, though I didn't measure it. I was SO EXCITED! MY RIGHT OVARY!!! THE LAZY ONE! OUT OF RETIREMENT!! Finally, something was working correctly. But then the next day I decided to do the unmentionable and, a-hem, scan myself transvaginally. (It's actually not as difficult as it would sound!) The problem with the transabdominal scans is that you can't see detail of cysts - they all look simple and fluid-filled. So, dermoids, endometriomas, follicles, and corpus lutei all look exactly the same. Transvaginally, I measured a 3.75cm septated/debris-filled cyst (hemorrhagic, most likely) on my right. No sign anywhere, on that ovary or the left of a corpus luteum.
I was so disappointed. While I'm not gung-ho trying, it is still a huge disappointment when you can't rely on your body to perform its basic healthy functions. It truly is.
So, is this a functional cyst, secreting hormones and causing these PMS-like symptoms? Or, what the heck is going on?? I miss my Metformin :( It would seem that it was indeed helping me to ovulate normally.
I have an appointment with my NaPro Dr on the 26th. I'll keep you posted as to what her thoughts are on this whole situation.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Saint Gerard, October 16th
Just a quick post to remind everyone that today is the Feast of Saint Gerard, the Patron of Expectant Mothers, Safe Deliveries, and those who wish to conceive.
Here is a prayer for those of you in my camp:
Prayer for Motherhood
O good St Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and wonder worker of our day, confidently I call upon you and seek your aid. On Earth you always fulfilled God's designs, help me now to do the holy will of God. Implore the Master of Life, from whom all paternity proceeds, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life, and in the world to come, heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory.
Amen.
(The prayers for expectant mothers and safe deliveries can be found here: http://www.praying4ababy.com/stgerard.html
I missed the special Mass for those praying to conceive, at the St Lucy Church in Newark (I believe this is THE national shrine of St Gerard, but if not, then it's A shrine at least.) We also missed it last year, but went on his actual Feast Day of October 16th. So hopefully we can make it up there for Mass tonight.
To clear any confusion... yes, I still pray that one day I may conceive. AND I pray that the doors to adoption and foster care will open and we'll be able to do either of those. I'm ok with the fact that none of these may ever happen, but I will never stop praying that if it be God's will, His will be done.
Happy Feast Day, St. Gerard!
Here is a prayer for those of you in my camp:
Prayer for Motherhood
O good St Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and wonder worker of our day, confidently I call upon you and seek your aid. On Earth you always fulfilled God's designs, help me now to do the holy will of God. Implore the Master of Life, from whom all paternity proceeds, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life, and in the world to come, heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory.
Amen.
(The prayers for expectant mothers and safe deliveries can be found here: http://www.praying4ababy.com/stgerard.html
I missed the special Mass for those praying to conceive, at the St Lucy Church in Newark (I believe this is THE national shrine of St Gerard, but if not, then it's A shrine at least.) We also missed it last year, but went on his actual Feast Day of October 16th. So hopefully we can make it up there for Mass tonight.
To clear any confusion... yes, I still pray that one day I may conceive. AND I pray that the doors to adoption and foster care will open and we'll be able to do either of those. I'm ok with the fact that none of these may ever happen, but I will never stop praying that if it be God's will, His will be done.
Happy Feast Day, St. Gerard!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
A Rare Moment
I had a rare moment last night. A moment that, in my not-so-distant past, didn't used to be so rare. In fact, it pretty much used to be an everyday occurance.
I sobbed in my bathroom for about an hour.
As I laid in bed last night, after a nasty fight with my DH, I began to think about all of my blogging friends, and how different their lives have become. While mine goes on, just the same as it has always been. I pictured them in their homes with their not-so-new babies, and thought about those who are close to having, or are working on bringing Number 2 Child into their lives. All the while the days in my life pass me by as I get older and have absolutely no prospect for ever being in their shoes.
Yes. I was insanely jealous.
And while I have come to accept my childlessness, even the fact that it may be indefinate, it doesn't mean I'm happy about it.
So, I ran to the bathroom and weeped and weeped. The real ugly kind, sucking snot, choking on mucus, sounding like a dying cat. I cried out to God, "Why do you not hear me??" It seemed to me, last night, that God heard the passionate and desperate cries of every single one of my blogging friends who have been blessed by pregnancy, adoption, home study approval, etc. But He has seemingly turned a deaf ear to my crying and mourning. Why?
I was suffering from the "unfairness" of the whole thing. (And we all. know. that life. isn't. fair.) But in my mind, last night, the devil was running rampant. I was thinking how dare God give multiple blessings to so many of my friends while continuing to pass me over. (Yup. I actually thought how DARE God. It was not a proud moment. But hey, this is blog-worthy material at least. No recipes tonight.)
I thought back to a time when I was in high school, when I was SO WRONGED that to this day it still hurts me. My NY varsity basketball team played a tournament in Delaware, and I had just gotten over bronchitis and still went. I was a bencher. The tournament was 3 days long. My father traveled all the way and stayed in a hotel to watch us play all 3 games. After the first game, when several of us "benchers" had not played even a minute, our coach told us in the locker room that NO ONE would be played if they complained about not being put in. I kept my mouth shut. The girl I roomed with got terribly sick one night in the hotel, and yet despite her illness, she was played the next day. After the second game, I saw one of the new members of the team (I had been on the team 2 years already) crying in the corner of the locker room to the assistant coach, complaining about not having played at all. The assistant coach calmed her down and told her not to worry.
The next day, she was put in the game. I remained the ONLY. person. not played for the entire tournament. With my poor father watching every second.
Last night as I cried out to God from my disgusting stink bug-infested bathroom, I remembered this incident from high school, and how I remembered "playing by the rules" (not complaining about not getting playing time), how the new girl "broke the rules" and complained, and how she got played and I didn't. And I likened that experience to my jealousy about not getting my "rightful" gift of the miracle of life, while those who "complained" got it abundantly.
It really seemed unfair to me last night that all of my friends have transitioned into motherhood and are continuing to add to their families exponentially as I look on, and find less and less to even talk to them about. It seemed unfair that so many of them have had not one, but at LEAST two blessings and likely will continue reaping in the blessings as I remain barren in body and on paper. It seemed unfair that the women who lamented the most about their suffering, the ones who "broke the rules" were the ones to whom God came and answered their prayers.
Yes. These are the thoughts that were running through my head. And I am ashamed to admit them, but this blog has always been an honest place. My hope is that in sharing these hateful thoughts (and possibly losing some friends??) those who are reading who have had similar thoughts will see that they're not alone. Or maybe I'm the only one.
After a good hour-long cry, I returned to bed and slept like a baby. This morning, I awoke to clarity and, thank the good Lord, peace. The same peace I have had for a while. (Phew, for a moment there last night I thought I had returned to the dark place again.) I realized that my constant comparisons with others are so harmful to my mental and spiritual health. First of all, I am not OWED anything by God. Whether I consider myself to be "playing by the rules" (whose rules exactly did I think I was playing by, anyway??!) or not is not the point. I have learned that some days it is too difficult for me to visit the blogs of the mommies with growing babies. (For some reason, and I'm not sure if others out there agree, but I've discovered that the new baby blogs and the pregnancy blogs don't bother me... but the babies-that-are-now-toddlers-and-tomorrow-will-be-starting-Kindergarten blogs do... it's a reminder of just how much time has passed since so-and-so received her blessing and here I still am.) But it doesn't mean that I am more worthy of a blessing or "DUE" a blessing just because someone else has many. Why would I even think that?? Where did that come from??
Nights like last night used to be a part of my normal weekly routine. Now they are few and far between, and when I realized that, I realized that my blessing HAS come. My prayers HAVE been answered. I have achieved what I was searching for. Peace, and joy. (I've also learned that joy does not mean that I'm constantly HAPPY. You can still suffer while having joy, and that is what I've been striving for for such a loooooong time. I've found it.) God has heard my pleas, and for HIS reasons, and for HIS timing, it is not the time for ME to be a mother right now. It has NOTHING to do with anyone else. I accept that. And I love Him and thank Him for having my very best interests in mind, even if my bratty attitude can't always understand it.
To my friends of whom I was so envious last night, I apologize. I know it's cliche, but I truly am so happy for each and every one of you. I love your children, even those whom I have not met, SO MUCH, and really have enjoyed watching them grow and reach new milestones. You all have proven to be such excellent mothers :)
May my next breakdown be far, far away...
I sobbed in my bathroom for about an hour.
As I laid in bed last night, after a nasty fight with my DH, I began to think about all of my blogging friends, and how different their lives have become. While mine goes on, just the same as it has always been. I pictured them in their homes with their not-so-new babies, and thought about those who are close to having, or are working on bringing Number 2 Child into their lives. All the while the days in my life pass me by as I get older and have absolutely no prospect for ever being in their shoes.
Yes. I was insanely jealous.
And while I have come to accept my childlessness, even the fact that it may be indefinate, it doesn't mean I'm happy about it.
So, I ran to the bathroom and weeped and weeped. The real ugly kind, sucking snot, choking on mucus, sounding like a dying cat. I cried out to God, "Why do you not hear me??" It seemed to me, last night, that God heard the passionate and desperate cries of every single one of my blogging friends who have been blessed by pregnancy, adoption, home study approval, etc. But He has seemingly turned a deaf ear to my crying and mourning. Why?
I was suffering from the "unfairness" of the whole thing. (And we all. know. that life. isn't. fair.) But in my mind, last night, the devil was running rampant. I was thinking how dare God give multiple blessings to so many of my friends while continuing to pass me over. (Yup. I actually thought how DARE God. It was not a proud moment. But hey, this is blog-worthy material at least. No recipes tonight.)
I thought back to a time when I was in high school, when I was SO WRONGED that to this day it still hurts me. My NY varsity basketball team played a tournament in Delaware, and I had just gotten over bronchitis and still went. I was a bencher. The tournament was 3 days long. My father traveled all the way and stayed in a hotel to watch us play all 3 games. After the first game, when several of us "benchers" had not played even a minute, our coach told us in the locker room that NO ONE would be played if they complained about not being put in. I kept my mouth shut. The girl I roomed with got terribly sick one night in the hotel, and yet despite her illness, she was played the next day. After the second game, I saw one of the new members of the team (I had been on the team 2 years already) crying in the corner of the locker room to the assistant coach, complaining about not having played at all. The assistant coach calmed her down and told her not to worry.
The next day, she was put in the game. I remained the ONLY. person. not played for the entire tournament. With my poor father watching every second.
Last night as I cried out to God from my disgusting stink bug-infested bathroom, I remembered this incident from high school, and how I remembered "playing by the rules" (not complaining about not getting playing time), how the new girl "broke the rules" and complained, and how she got played and I didn't. And I likened that experience to my jealousy about not getting my "rightful" gift of the miracle of life, while those who "complained" got it abundantly.
It really seemed unfair to me last night that all of my friends have transitioned into motherhood and are continuing to add to their families exponentially as I look on, and find less and less to even talk to them about. It seemed unfair that so many of them have had not one, but at LEAST two blessings and likely will continue reaping in the blessings as I remain barren in body and on paper. It seemed unfair that the women who lamented the most about their suffering, the ones who "broke the rules" were the ones to whom God came and answered their prayers.
Yes. These are the thoughts that were running through my head. And I am ashamed to admit them, but this blog has always been an honest place. My hope is that in sharing these hateful thoughts (and possibly losing some friends??) those who are reading who have had similar thoughts will see that they're not alone. Or maybe I'm the only one.
After a good hour-long cry, I returned to bed and slept like a baby. This morning, I awoke to clarity and, thank the good Lord, peace. The same peace I have had for a while. (Phew, for a moment there last night I thought I had returned to the dark place again.) I realized that my constant comparisons with others are so harmful to my mental and spiritual health. First of all, I am not OWED anything by God. Whether I consider myself to be "playing by the rules" (whose rules exactly did I think I was playing by, anyway??!) or not is not the point. I have learned that some days it is too difficult for me to visit the blogs of the mommies with growing babies. (For some reason, and I'm not sure if others out there agree, but I've discovered that the new baby blogs and the pregnancy blogs don't bother me... but the babies-that-are-now-toddlers-and-tomorrow-will-be-starting-Kindergarten blogs do... it's a reminder of just how much time has passed since so-and-so received her blessing and here I still am.) But it doesn't mean that I am more worthy of a blessing or "DUE" a blessing just because someone else has many. Why would I even think that?? Where did that come from??
Nights like last night used to be a part of my normal weekly routine. Now they are few and far between, and when I realized that, I realized that my blessing HAS come. My prayers HAVE been answered. I have achieved what I was searching for. Peace, and joy. (I've also learned that joy does not mean that I'm constantly HAPPY. You can still suffer while having joy, and that is what I've been striving for for such a loooooong time. I've found it.) God has heard my pleas, and for HIS reasons, and for HIS timing, it is not the time for ME to be a mother right now. It has NOTHING to do with anyone else. I accept that. And I love Him and thank Him for having my very best interests in mind, even if my bratty attitude can't always understand it.
To my friends of whom I was so envious last night, I apologize. I know it's cliche, but I truly am so happy for each and every one of you. I love your children, even those whom I have not met, SO MUCH, and really have enjoyed watching them grow and reach new milestones. You all have proven to be such excellent mothers :)
May my next breakdown be far, far away...
Monday, October 4, 2010
House News and Recipe
Ho hum, so this is what has become of my blog...
Well, you may have noticed that I haven't updated on the house in a while. It's not because nothing's happening, it's just because I've learned from my life in the past 4 years not to put all my eggs in one basket and expect everything to work out the way that I plan. I am not anxious about the house not going through, but I am leaving it in God's hands, and if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be.
(Gosh, if I read this 4 years ago I would never in a million years guess it was coming from me.)
Second, the updates on the house are not all that exciting. Basically, we've applied for the mortgage, we are submitting all kinds of paperwork, the inspection is done and the appraisal is getting done tomorrow... it's all kind of boring :) The good stuff will be the renovations and pictures once we're in.
One good piece of news was that I sent pictures of the old piano (a Chickering upright) to a piano restoration business here in NJ, and they estimated that it is from around 1895!!! It may be older than the house!! AND, once it is reconditioned and refinished, it could be worth about $20,000. Ummmm... yeah, I think we got a pretty good deal getting that "thrown in!"
Here's a picture for those who may have been interested:
For the past week I've been replicating a brand new recipe my husband came up with for me. (He's a classically trained chef, for those who don't know.) He wanted to make me a yummy hot quinoa dish, and boy did he ever! I can't get enough of it! We're calling it coconut/cashew quinoa. (Trying saying that 10 times fast.)
Here's the recipe:
Sautee a clove of garlic, minced, in olive oil in a large pot.
Over medium-high heat, throw in about 1/2 cup whole cashews and toast.
Put in a cup of quinoa, uncooked, to toast it in the garlic/cashew oil.
Immediately put in about 3 Tbs coconut flakes to flavor the quinoa as it's toasting.
Before the quinoa burns, put in 1 1/2 cups chicken stock (or 1 cup chicken stock, 1/2 cup water, etc).
Cook the quinoa for about 20 minutes, or until all the liquid is absorbed.
(Optional - add a dash of white pepper and about 2 Tbs Agave Nectar for more flavor.)
Fluff with a fork.
Serve, and eat for days on end without getting sick of it. Ever.
I end up doubling the recipe, myself, because 1 cup just doesn't cut it.
Well, you may have noticed that I haven't updated on the house in a while. It's not because nothing's happening, it's just because I've learned from my life in the past 4 years not to put all my eggs in one basket and expect everything to work out the way that I plan. I am not anxious about the house not going through, but I am leaving it in God's hands, and if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be.
(Gosh, if I read this 4 years ago I would never in a million years guess it was coming from me.)
Second, the updates on the house are not all that exciting. Basically, we've applied for the mortgage, we are submitting all kinds of paperwork, the inspection is done and the appraisal is getting done tomorrow... it's all kind of boring :) The good stuff will be the renovations and pictures once we're in.
One good piece of news was that I sent pictures of the old piano (a Chickering upright) to a piano restoration business here in NJ, and they estimated that it is from around 1895!!! It may be older than the house!! AND, once it is reconditioned and refinished, it could be worth about $20,000. Ummmm... yeah, I think we got a pretty good deal getting that "thrown in!"
Here's a picture for those who may have been interested:
For the past week I've been replicating a brand new recipe my husband came up with for me. (He's a classically trained chef, for those who don't know.) He wanted to make me a yummy hot quinoa dish, and boy did he ever! I can't get enough of it! We're calling it coconut/cashew quinoa. (Trying saying that 10 times fast.)
Here's the recipe:
Sautee a clove of garlic, minced, in olive oil in a large pot.
Over medium-high heat, throw in about 1/2 cup whole cashews and toast.
Put in a cup of quinoa, uncooked, to toast it in the garlic/cashew oil.
Immediately put in about 3 Tbs coconut flakes to flavor the quinoa as it's toasting.
Before the quinoa burns, put in 1 1/2 cups chicken stock (or 1 cup chicken stock, 1/2 cup water, etc).
Cook the quinoa for about 20 minutes, or until all the liquid is absorbed.
(Optional - add a dash of white pepper and about 2 Tbs Agave Nectar for more flavor.)
Fluff with a fork.
Serve, and eat for days on end without getting sick of it. Ever.
I end up doubling the recipe, myself, because 1 cup just doesn't cut it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Dilemma
I feel like I have a dilemma.
I started this blog as a way to chronicle my journey through infertility (Catholic-style, as my subtitle states). This blog has been a blessing to me in more ways than one, and I intend to continue blogging even though I am no longer so focused on fertility tests and treatments.
But the dilemma is, have I abandoned my readers? Where once I was right there in the trenches with them, feeling every single ache and pain associated with infertility (and inability to adopt), and articulating those feelings frequently in various posts, now I rarely have things to write about. I'm not sure in which direction to take the blog, if I do gear it away from fertility/adoption. And that's another conundrum... should I continue writing about fertility/adoption and my feelings on the matter at THIS point in my life, which may be helpful for my readers, but may also ultimately eat away at me until the peace and joy I've attained has succumbed to anxiety, frustration, and depression?
My inclination is to want to continue writing about infertility/adoption/foster care, which was the original purpose of the blog. But just as I've exhausted all efforts in trying to get pregnant and trying to adopt/foster, I think I've also exhausted all of my thoughts and feelings on infertility and adoption. There's just not much more to say that I haven't already written.
I just really wonder if my presence in "blog world" is helping anyone anymore.
Well, in a last-ditch effort to bring some "fertility"ness to this post, here's an uneventful update:
I am CD... (hold on, gotta look at my chart)... 9 today. No good mucus yet that I have seen, but my mucus has been absolutely horrendous the past 4 or 5 cycles. I am very frustrated by that because my health seems to be improving, so why wouldn't this be reflected in my mucus? Ironically, the best mucus I've seen this past year was the cycle of my surgery, while I was in Cancun and DH wasn't. I also had 2 days of brown bleeding at the end of my period again, along with about 4 days of premenstrual spotting. I know my progesterone was low - the ovulation was not a strong one last cycle, and it was early (CD 11). I really don't know what to think about my messed up body anymore.
On the diet front, I have gone completely dairy-free, and in small bouts will have gluten now. I'd say all-in-all I am about 90% gluten-free. But the dairy elimination has done wonders for my digestion, more than the gluten-free diet ever did. It's funny, because I paid $600 for a LEAP food sensitivity blood test that showed cow's milk was a very low sensitivity for me. Guess not. I'm also laughing at the fact that about 2.5 years ago, I tried The Fertility Diet, with lots of whole milk products for PCOS. Ah well, we win some, we lose some.
So.
If any of my readers have suggestions for what you'd like me to post about, please share them. I still want to be a resource for those suffering from infertility, but I don't know the best way to do this anymore.
I started this blog as a way to chronicle my journey through infertility (Catholic-style, as my subtitle states). This blog has been a blessing to me in more ways than one, and I intend to continue blogging even though I am no longer so focused on fertility tests and treatments.
But the dilemma is, have I abandoned my readers? Where once I was right there in the trenches with them, feeling every single ache and pain associated with infertility (and inability to adopt), and articulating those feelings frequently in various posts, now I rarely have things to write about. I'm not sure in which direction to take the blog, if I do gear it away from fertility/adoption. And that's another conundrum... should I continue writing about fertility/adoption and my feelings on the matter at THIS point in my life, which may be helpful for my readers, but may also ultimately eat away at me until the peace and joy I've attained has succumbed to anxiety, frustration, and depression?
My inclination is to want to continue writing about infertility/adoption/foster care, which was the original purpose of the blog. But just as I've exhausted all efforts in trying to get pregnant and trying to adopt/foster, I think I've also exhausted all of my thoughts and feelings on infertility and adoption. There's just not much more to say that I haven't already written.
I just really wonder if my presence in "blog world" is helping anyone anymore.
Well, in a last-ditch effort to bring some "fertility"ness to this post, here's an uneventful update:
I am CD... (hold on, gotta look at my chart)... 9 today. No good mucus yet that I have seen, but my mucus has been absolutely horrendous the past 4 or 5 cycles. I am very frustrated by that because my health seems to be improving, so why wouldn't this be reflected in my mucus? Ironically, the best mucus I've seen this past year was the cycle of my surgery, while I was in Cancun and DH wasn't. I also had 2 days of brown bleeding at the end of my period again, along with about 4 days of premenstrual spotting. I know my progesterone was low - the ovulation was not a strong one last cycle, and it was early (CD 11). I really don't know what to think about my messed up body anymore.
On the diet front, I have gone completely dairy-free, and in small bouts will have gluten now. I'd say all-in-all I am about 90% gluten-free. But the dairy elimination has done wonders for my digestion, more than the gluten-free diet ever did. It's funny, because I paid $600 for a LEAP food sensitivity blood test that showed cow's milk was a very low sensitivity for me. Guess not. I'm also laughing at the fact that about 2.5 years ago, I tried The Fertility Diet, with lots of whole milk products for PCOS. Ah well, we win some, we lose some.
So.
If any of my readers have suggestions for what you'd like me to post about, please share them. I still want to be a resource for those suffering from infertility, but I don't know the best way to do this anymore.
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