I think DH and I are entering a new phase of our lives. One that doesn't revolve around "getting a baby at all costs."
We recently cancelled his appointment with Dr P, the urologist at Cornell-Weill, because they didn't accept our insurance and we are absolutely BROKE right now. And you know what? Neither of us were really upset about the cancellation.
This was a real wake-up call for me. I haven't stopped TTC altogether, that's for sure. But I'm really not focused on it much. I realize at this point it's just a matter of miracle (I bet you thought I was going to say time, right?). But my recent appointment with Dr Check would prove that it will actually take a miracle to get me pregnant.
At my first appointment with Dr Check, he did a "smear" of my cervical cells to see if the progesterone in my body had converted the cells. My cells were so highly estrogenized, and not at all progesteronized, that he suspected I had not ovulated yet. I KNEW my period was coming the next day. He said, "If that's so, then your body is WAY off." Sure enough, my period came the next day. Additionally, an ultrasound at this same appointment revealed that my uterine lining (endometrium) was still a triple-stripe proliferative stage lining. It had not converted to the secretory stage lining. I saw it myself, and was very confused. I thought, well, maybe because it's the first cycle after surgery and my body is just off.
But Friday, I was P+10, and got the exact same results. There was an irregular-bordered cystic structure with internal echoes (suggesting corpus luteum) on my left ovary... BUT the lining was still proliferative. And the smear revealed not very progesteronized cells. (And this is while on 600 mgs Prometrium daily.)
I know I probably should have cried after these results. I got a phone call from the nurses the next day with my blood results, saying I was not pregnant and could stop taking my progesterone... but NO MENTION of what type of treatment Dr Check suggested to combat this problem my body is seemingly having "converting" my progesterone at the progesterone receptors in my lining and my cervical cells.
So I guess it's not fixable??
The weird part is, I didn't shed one tear. I've just sort of accepted it. My lot in life is to be childless, so why would I think any amount of surgeries, injections, and medications would change God's will for me? I have been so naive.
Of course, I am still going through the motions of TTC... taking my supplements, going next week to try a "Mayan Abdominal Massage," using fertile days, etc. It's all I know. It's hard to break such a long-standing habit.
But as for entering a new phase, DH and I somehow got on a house hunting kick this weekend. I think it was Thursday that I spent all day on the computer researching foreclosure properties, and then the next day we went to see a bunch of them ourselves. We also contacted an agent about a property we drove by, and she showed us 4 places Saturday morning. Finally, late Friday night, DH took out this old brochure he had picked up at Dunkin' Donuts of all places, and showed me an old Victorian home listed at $250,000. WTH?!! (We thought.) That's too good to be true, right? It must need a lot of work. But we called and got an appointment to go see if Saturday afternoon.
Well.
We. fell. in. love.
My FIL came along, which was really nice of him - he not only has 30+ years of construction/contracting experience, but he also used to be the Building Inspector for 3 counties in our State for many years!! He was looking for things I had no idea even existed.
All 3 of us were just in AWE of this house. It has SUCH CHARACTER, I can't even stand it. Here I was thinking my "dream home" would be one of these newer model homes, open floor plans, etc... but I surprised myself with how I can look past stuff like pink carpeting and wood paneling to see the potential a beautiful home can offer.
This house is an estate, so we're thinking the price is low due to that fact. There was an older woman living there alone for many years, and she kept it impeccable.
Now, before I show you the pictures, promise you'll see it with the same set of eyes as us!! (We will absolutely be renovating, but keeping it as Victorian as possible! Can't wait to go buy a clawfoot tub!!)
Here is our potentially new- old house:
http://videoshowmyhome.com/clients/gsmls/VT-2781977.php
There's also a basement, so there are 4 levels of living in this home.
We are going to see 2 other similar houses for similar prices today. They are more updated on the inside, but do not have fireplaces. (Can I just tell you that DH was giddy as a schoolgirl when he saw the brick fireplace in the kitchen? For those who remember, he's a classically-trained Chef, and is so excited to cook in the fireplace in the kitchen!! And I am SO EXCITED to clean up after that! Note sarcasm.)
So... the next several years of our lives may be consumed with renovating our Victorian home, which is pretty amazing. Let's hope we can get approved for a mortgage at a good rate, and all that good stuff...
And this morning, we will be attending Mass at what may be our new parish. It just HAPPENS to be St. Joseph's :) St. Joseph is, I have a feeling, going to be hugely instrumental in this next phase of our lives, as we both are hoping for jobs to come through soon, as well as the home. (Though we're not selling, just hoping to buy.)
What do you think of the house? :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Picture of My New Baby
I've been sick with a cold since Sunday.
I never get sick, so when I do, I'm a real baby about it. I don't understand why I'm not able to fight it off! I'm popping Vitamin C packets like there's no tomorrow. At least the sore throat is gone, but I'm still all stuffed up and sneezy. And exhausted.
In other news, we picked up our new lease Subaru yesterday. It was a little bittersweet turning in our 3-Year Subaru Tribeca lease (Subaru's largest SUV); when we made that deal, we were CERTAIN we'd have a carseat in it before we'd have to return it. Not only no carseat, but no pregnancy. This time we got one of the new Foresters - it's sage green and GORGEOUS!! We got the premium package with heated mirrors (SUCH a perk in the winter!), a moonroof, heated seats, power seats, etc. But really I'm mostly excited about the color :) I'm such a girl!
Check out this beauty:
I just LOVE the color!! Our Tribeca was newport blue, and I loved that, too, but what I had really wanted was the sea green that was only made in 2006 (or something like that). Well, they just started making the Foresters in sage green this year- and I have not seen this color out on the roads very often. I like standing out from the crowd :)
My first car out of college was a black Subaru Forester, and she is still running smoothly with over 200,000 miles. She's in the driveway now, next to the new one. I hope she doesn't feel too bad.
You know there's not much going on in my life (or in my cycle) when I have to resort to writing about cars on my blog.
I never get sick, so when I do, I'm a real baby about it. I don't understand why I'm not able to fight it off! I'm popping Vitamin C packets like there's no tomorrow. At least the sore throat is gone, but I'm still all stuffed up and sneezy. And exhausted.
In other news, we picked up our new lease Subaru yesterday. It was a little bittersweet turning in our 3-Year Subaru Tribeca lease (Subaru's largest SUV); when we made that deal, we were CERTAIN we'd have a carseat in it before we'd have to return it. Not only no carseat, but no pregnancy. This time we got one of the new Foresters - it's sage green and GORGEOUS!! We got the premium package with heated mirrors (SUCH a perk in the winter!), a moonroof, heated seats, power seats, etc. But really I'm mostly excited about the color :) I'm such a girl!
Check out this beauty:
I just LOVE the color!! Our Tribeca was newport blue, and I loved that, too, but what I had really wanted was the sea green that was only made in 2006 (or something like that). Well, they just started making the Foresters in sage green this year- and I have not seen this color out on the roads very often. I like standing out from the crowd :)
My first car out of college was a black Subaru Forester, and she is still running smoothly with over 200,000 miles. She's in the driveway now, next to the new one. I hope she doesn't feel too bad.
You know there's not much going on in my life (or in my cycle) when I have to resort to writing about cars on my blog.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Depression and Toilet Talk
Here I am only 3 days past ovulation, and I'm already getting weepy and depressed.
I am not necessarily upset about the prospect of another failed cycle. I am investing much less in each given cycle lately than I was early this year, but it's more the issue of prognosis with more and more cycles passing after surgery.
I just had a lengthy (hour and 1/2) phone conversation with Dr D. in California, the NaPro Dr that I was referred to by Dr. B (Ireland). She had some fantastic ideas for me, and will put it all in writing soon (but of course I took notes), and surprisingly, she is really concentrating on my gut/intestines. I have an "issue" with regularity. I have never once in my life "felt" constipated, and for the longest time I thought it was normal for people to go once every 3-4 days. I actually thought something was wrong with my husband when we first got married and I saw how often he was in the bathroom, lol!
But she is hugely concerned by this, and thinks that the dietary restrictions I am currently implementing isn't cutting it. She suspects Candida, and wants me to have a stool profiling done to check for yeast, as well as start eating completely healthy foods, high fiber, high protein, etc. I should also supplement with more Magnesium.
The other area she concentrated on a lot was my insulin and blood sugar. The two sort of go hand-in-hand. She wants me to see a Nutritionist, possibly get another (better) food sensitivity testing, get on only high-quality supplements, and again, eat a GOOD diet with 3 meals and snacks throughout the day. She said the low blood sugar wreaks havoc on my system, and then my gut in turn causes an immune reaction. She said my diagnosis of Adrenal Fatigue is huge- and that if I am showing improvement on cortisol, I need to figure out ways to address the underlying problem. Interestingly, she said both insulin-resistance and food allergies can cause adrenal fatigue.
Basically, I need to stop eating so horribly. And it may seem to you all that I eat "healthy" because I've been eliminating COMPLETELY the foods that showed up highly reactive on my food testing (rice, yogurt, mushrooms, saccharin, paprika) - as well as going gluten-free (about 95%). But what that has actually translated to is laziness in my own meal-planning. I find it EXTREMELY difficult to prepare any meals for myself due to the fact that I cannot consume many of the most basic foods. So, I often go without eating, or I'll eat something quick and easy like popcorn, potato chips, french fries, cheese (lots of cheese), etc.
She told me, I don't care if you're not hungry, you HAVE to eat breakfast :)
So, I am happy at the prospect of starting something new that will have long-lasting effects on my overall health. I won't lie, though. I am intimidated. A lot.
And finally, I found out today that my Supervisor "spoke out of turn" when he said I would be starting a week from Monday at my new job. Apparently the owner of the place wanted to meet with my NaPro Dr first to discuss how to "collaborate" (which both my Dr and Supervisor realize won't work at all), AND that he never formally extended me a position. I asked my Supervisor if he thought the owner would change his mind, and he said, "NO! I don't think so." Um, ok. That's convincing. And as for start date? Now my Supervisor is guessing "by October."
This just sucks. No job/no money until MAYBE October. I was waiting to hear back from my NaPro Dr about how the meeting this afternoon went, but she didn't call me back :( Why couldn't I catch just ONE break this year? Just one. I don't understand what any further suffering will achieve for me at this point. I really don't.
I am not necessarily upset about the prospect of another failed cycle. I am investing much less in each given cycle lately than I was early this year, but it's more the issue of prognosis with more and more cycles passing after surgery.
I just had a lengthy (hour and 1/2) phone conversation with Dr D. in California, the NaPro Dr that I was referred to by Dr. B (Ireland). She had some fantastic ideas for me, and will put it all in writing soon (but of course I took notes), and surprisingly, she is really concentrating on my gut/intestines. I have an "issue" with regularity. I have never once in my life "felt" constipated, and for the longest time I thought it was normal for people to go once every 3-4 days. I actually thought something was wrong with my husband when we first got married and I saw how often he was in the bathroom, lol!
But she is hugely concerned by this, and thinks that the dietary restrictions I am currently implementing isn't cutting it. She suspects Candida, and wants me to have a stool profiling done to check for yeast, as well as start eating completely healthy foods, high fiber, high protein, etc. I should also supplement with more Magnesium.
The other area she concentrated on a lot was my insulin and blood sugar. The two sort of go hand-in-hand. She wants me to see a Nutritionist, possibly get another (better) food sensitivity testing, get on only high-quality supplements, and again, eat a GOOD diet with 3 meals and snacks throughout the day. She said the low blood sugar wreaks havoc on my system, and then my gut in turn causes an immune reaction. She said my diagnosis of Adrenal Fatigue is huge- and that if I am showing improvement on cortisol, I need to figure out ways to address the underlying problem. Interestingly, she said both insulin-resistance and food allergies can cause adrenal fatigue.
Basically, I need to stop eating so horribly. And it may seem to you all that I eat "healthy" because I've been eliminating COMPLETELY the foods that showed up highly reactive on my food testing (rice, yogurt, mushrooms, saccharin, paprika) - as well as going gluten-free (about 95%). But what that has actually translated to is laziness in my own meal-planning. I find it EXTREMELY difficult to prepare any meals for myself due to the fact that I cannot consume many of the most basic foods. So, I often go without eating, or I'll eat something quick and easy like popcorn, potato chips, french fries, cheese (lots of cheese), etc.
She told me, I don't care if you're not hungry, you HAVE to eat breakfast :)
So, I am happy at the prospect of starting something new that will have long-lasting effects on my overall health. I won't lie, though. I am intimidated. A lot.
And finally, I found out today that my Supervisor "spoke out of turn" when he said I would be starting a week from Monday at my new job. Apparently the owner of the place wanted to meet with my NaPro Dr first to discuss how to "collaborate" (which both my Dr and Supervisor realize won't work at all), AND that he never formally extended me a position. I asked my Supervisor if he thought the owner would change his mind, and he said, "NO! I don't think so." Um, ok. That's convincing. And as for start date? Now my Supervisor is guessing "by October."
This just sucks. No job/no money until MAYBE October. I was waiting to hear back from my NaPro Dr about how the meeting this afternoon went, but she didn't call me back :( Why couldn't I catch just ONE break this year? Just one. I don't understand what any further suffering will achieve for me at this point. I really don't.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
4th Wedding Anniversary
Today, August 19th, is our 4th Wedding Anniversary :)
Last year I completed the survey, complete with pictures, which you can see here.
A friend of mine from Italy, whom I haven't seen since 2002 when I was living there, has come over to the States for the 1st time. She doesn't speak English at all. She is staying with another friend of ours in NYC, and we all decided to go see a Broadway musical together. So, the other mutual friend got the tickets for... tonight!! Haha, so I will be celebrating my Anniversary by going to see Mary Poppins with my Italian friend and not seeing my husband! Ah well, we have the weekend to celebrate.
A very Happy Anniversary to Mr TCIE - and the same to fellow August 19th'ers: the misfit and Wheelbarrow Rider (5 and 4 years respectively)!!
Of course, this day also marks my 4-Year mark of trying to have a baby... but I've decided not to dwell on that fact today. I'm putting my faith in faith :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Good Things - Father Mike
I don't have much to add about my weekend that wasn't already so well articulated by JellyBelly (Frustrated Musings of a Seemingly Calm Gal). But I did want to share a couple more thoughts about Father Mike, the priest that prayed over us on Sunday.
First, I find it no small coincidence that the one day that worked for all of us was the Feast of the Assumption. We soon discovered after speaking to Father Mike in the rectory a few minutes, that he has a very great devotion to our Lady.
I was moved almost to tears when he told us that the biggest sacrifice for him personally in becoming a priest was giving up having children. He said he didn't feel the same big sacrifice in giving up having a wife, because he still enjoys female friendships, etc. But that he had always envisioned having many, many children. He even said that early in his priesthood, the thought of what he "gave up" for God would bring him to tears.
We found an infertile priest!!! How perfect!!
He added that he had been engaged before entering the seminary, and he later found out that the woman he was engaged to wound up, you guessed it, infertile! So, it would seem no matter which way he played the cards he was dealt, Father Mike was meant to be "infertile."
But then he said Mary would get him through those rough times. He feels very strongly that this "gift" he has in praying over couples who cannot conceive, is his gift from Mary - that in a way, she is granting him a different modality of bringing children into the world. How beautiful! I am so surprised I didn't start bawling right then and there.
So, we spoke for a long time, and then we went over to the church and he prayed the Hail Mary with us, the Memorare, and gave us all individual blessings, laying his hands on our heads. Every moment of that day I wish I could just bottle up and keep forever. I felt such peace in giving our fertility to Mary (a task I have tried before, every year on our Consecration date of the Assumption, but have never truly been able to do it). Looking at the beautiful statue of Our Lady of Perpetual Help really comforted me. I know Mary will help to make BOTH me and JellyBelly mothers. I just know it.
Father Mike said he doesn't always feel this way, but that after praying over us both he felt "really good" about us going on to conceive.
I can't wait to share that good news with him, and to introduce him to another one of "his children." :)
First, I find it no small coincidence that the one day that worked for all of us was the Feast of the Assumption. We soon discovered after speaking to Father Mike in the rectory a few minutes, that he has a very great devotion to our Lady.
I was moved almost to tears when he told us that the biggest sacrifice for him personally in becoming a priest was giving up having children. He said he didn't feel the same big sacrifice in giving up having a wife, because he still enjoys female friendships, etc. But that he had always envisioned having many, many children. He even said that early in his priesthood, the thought of what he "gave up" for God would bring him to tears.
We found an infertile priest!!! How perfect!!
He added that he had been engaged before entering the seminary, and he later found out that the woman he was engaged to wound up, you guessed it, infertile! So, it would seem no matter which way he played the cards he was dealt, Father Mike was meant to be "infertile."
But then he said Mary would get him through those rough times. He feels very strongly that this "gift" he has in praying over couples who cannot conceive, is his gift from Mary - that in a way, she is granting him a different modality of bringing children into the world. How beautiful! I am so surprised I didn't start bawling right then and there.
So, we spoke for a long time, and then we went over to the church and he prayed the Hail Mary with us, the Memorare, and gave us all individual blessings, laying his hands on our heads. Every moment of that day I wish I could just bottle up and keep forever. I felt such peace in giving our fertility to Mary (a task I have tried before, every year on our Consecration date of the Assumption, but have never truly been able to do it). Looking at the beautiful statue of Our Lady of Perpetual Help really comforted me. I know Mary will help to make BOTH me and JellyBelly mothers. I just know it.
Father Mike said he doesn't always feel this way, but that after praying over us both he felt "really good" about us going on to conceive.
I can't wait to share that good news with him, and to introduce him to another one of "his children." :)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Prayer Buddy Revealed
So, I am going to jump the gun a little on revealing my secret Summertime Prayer Buddy, but only because I will be gone most of the day tomorrow and I don't want her to have to wait and wonder.
I had the amazing privilege of praying for the woman who I consider to be my guardian angel here on earth. I am constantly talking about her in my home, and my DH only knows her as "My Catholic Cheerleader," because whenever I was close to giving up, she was there to push me onwards and upwards. I didn't even meet her on the blogs, but rather on a catholic y.ahoo fert.ility group. But I knew from the moment I read her first message that she was a woman more determined, more motivated, and more persevering than any I had yet encountered. She was my hero.
And so I set out to pray for all of her intentions this summer. I added her name and her family's name in my book of intentions at Mass, lit candles, and offered the St. Ann Novena for her. But most of the time that I was praying, I was wondering if my prayers even mattered at all. It seemed, to me, that this awesome woman who deserved so many blessings, had all the blessings she could handle. And it wasn't my doing, certainly wasn't my prayers that put her in that place. So, what exactly was I to pray for?
I set out to pray simply that all of the desires of my Prayer Buddy's heart would be fulfilled. It truly made my heart melt to read one of her recent posts about her "Perfect Day" out with her miracle daughter and husband, with new miracle growing inside her. I was beyond elated for her.
And then the impossible happened.
My Prayer Buddy lost her baby.
I couldn't handle the news. I tried to reach her, but knew she probably wasn't ready to talk about it. So I called Sew Infertile instead, and cried to her over the phone. I just couldn't understand why this would happen to someone who had already been through SO MUCH. And to top it off? I was mad at God. Yes, I was so angry that not only was He refusing to answer any prayers that I offered for myself and my own intentions... but now He was showing that He had no concern for the prayers I had been offering daily for my Prayer Buddy. It was extremely painful to feel both the pain of my dear friend's loss AND the pain of knowing God does not hear me.
But Sew explained to me that now, more than ever, my Prayer Buddy would NEED me and my prayers. It opened my eyes when she said this. I was still so upset that prayers would be needed in this regard to begin with, but I set out to pray harder than I'd ever prayed before for this precious soul and her unborn child's soul in heaven.
I'm not sure if my prayers have helped her in the least. I feel like someone else's prayers may have been stronger, may have been more powerful than mine, and maybe they could have helped to prevent this horrific loss. But one thing is for sure. My Prayer Buddy has changed my life in so many ways, and I will never stop praying for her as long as I live, which is the least I can do to show my gratitude for what she has done for me.
Little JoAnn, I am so so so sorry that my prayers for you were not enough to help you bring your baby into the world. No one should have to endure what you have, and your strength just amazes me. May God continue to bless your family, and may your Baby Sweetness smile down on (her) family always, knowing exactly how much (her) mommy loved (her).
God Bless you on this Feast of the Assumption of our Blessed Mother.
I had the amazing privilege of praying for the woman who I consider to be my guardian angel here on earth. I am constantly talking about her in my home, and my DH only knows her as "My Catholic Cheerleader," because whenever I was close to giving up, she was there to push me onwards and upwards. I didn't even meet her on the blogs, but rather on a catholic y.ahoo fert.ility group. But I knew from the moment I read her first message that she was a woman more determined, more motivated, and more persevering than any I had yet encountered. She was my hero.
And so I set out to pray for all of her intentions this summer. I added her name and her family's name in my book of intentions at Mass, lit candles, and offered the St. Ann Novena for her. But most of the time that I was praying, I was wondering if my prayers even mattered at all. It seemed, to me, that this awesome woman who deserved so many blessings, had all the blessings she could handle. And it wasn't my doing, certainly wasn't my prayers that put her in that place. So, what exactly was I to pray for?
I set out to pray simply that all of the desires of my Prayer Buddy's heart would be fulfilled. It truly made my heart melt to read one of her recent posts about her "Perfect Day" out with her miracle daughter and husband, with new miracle growing inside her. I was beyond elated for her.
And then the impossible happened.
My Prayer Buddy lost her baby.
I couldn't handle the news. I tried to reach her, but knew she probably wasn't ready to talk about it. So I called Sew Infertile instead, and cried to her over the phone. I just couldn't understand why this would happen to someone who had already been through SO MUCH. And to top it off? I was mad at God. Yes, I was so angry that not only was He refusing to answer any prayers that I offered for myself and my own intentions... but now He was showing that He had no concern for the prayers I had been offering daily for my Prayer Buddy. It was extremely painful to feel both the pain of my dear friend's loss AND the pain of knowing God does not hear me.
But Sew explained to me that now, more than ever, my Prayer Buddy would NEED me and my prayers. It opened my eyes when she said this. I was still so upset that prayers would be needed in this regard to begin with, but I set out to pray harder than I'd ever prayed before for this precious soul and her unborn child's soul in heaven.
I'm not sure if my prayers have helped her in the least. I feel like someone else's prayers may have been stronger, may have been more powerful than mine, and maybe they could have helped to prevent this horrific loss. But one thing is for sure. My Prayer Buddy has changed my life in so many ways, and I will never stop praying for her as long as I live, which is the least I can do to show my gratitude for what she has done for me.
Little JoAnn, I am so so so sorry that my prayers for you were not enough to help you bring your baby into the world. No one should have to endure what you have, and your strength just amazes me. May God continue to bless your family, and may your Baby Sweetness smile down on (her) family always, knowing exactly how much (her) mommy loved (her).
God Bless you on this Feast of the Assumption of our Blessed Mother.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Got the Job... and the Priest
Well, today while I was at the imaging center, my Supervisor pulled me aside and told me to follow him down the hall to the owner's office. Right then in there, in my wrinkled scrubs and all! But the meeting couldn't have gone any better. Basically, I've been told that I have a position there :) It will be about 3-4 days a week, and it will be solidified after the owner talks to my NaPro Dr (who will also be using me for early pregnancy scans, but only about once a week). He wants to discuss with her the possibilities of working "in collaboration," but I already know that's not going to work. He's not really getting what NaPro is.
But, that was a pretty good morning :)
It started out good, actually. I woke up and checked my email, and a priest that I have been trying to contact for the past 2 weeks finally got back to me! This priest prayed over All You Who Hope and her husband a couple years ago, and he apparently has a gift of prayer specifically for infertile couples. Just what I need, divine intervention when it comes to my infertility!! And it just so happens, this priest is in Pennsylvania, where JellyBelly and her DH are right now for vacation! The four of us will be traveling to St Gianna's shrine tomorrow evening, and then to Father M's church/rectory Sunday afternoon!
It will be a blessed barren weekend, indeed.
And after all that blessing is over, I will be due to ovulate.
I see changes happening in my life right before my eyes, and yet I'm still so afraid to believe that anything will come to fruition. I need to practice my FAITH in that. The house, inveribly, will take some time - and that's IF we are to get it. And a pregnancy? Soooooooo hard for me to imagine happening after all these years and all these diagnoses. But in God, all things are possible, are they not?
Looks like DH and I will be renewing our Consecration to Mary (Assumption) at St Gianna's shrine tomorrow :) I will remember to truly hand this all over to her. It is no longer in my control.
But, that was a pretty good morning :)
It started out good, actually. I woke up and checked my email, and a priest that I have been trying to contact for the past 2 weeks finally got back to me! This priest prayed over All You Who Hope and her husband a couple years ago, and he apparently has a gift of prayer specifically for infertile couples. Just what I need, divine intervention when it comes to my infertility!! And it just so happens, this priest is in Pennsylvania, where JellyBelly and her DH are right now for vacation! The four of us will be traveling to St Gianna's shrine tomorrow evening, and then to Father M's church/rectory Sunday afternoon!
It will be a blessed barren weekend, indeed.
And after all that blessing is over, I will be due to ovulate.
I see changes happening in my life right before my eyes, and yet I'm still so afraid to believe that anything will come to fruition. I need to practice my FAITH in that. The house, inveribly, will take some time - and that's IF we are to get it. And a pregnancy? Soooooooo hard for me to imagine happening after all these years and all these diagnoses. But in God, all things are possible, are they not?
Looks like DH and I will be renewing our Consecration to Mary (Assumption) at St Gianna's shrine tomorrow :) I will remember to truly hand this all over to her. It is no longer in my control.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
As Suspected...
Did I mention the woman who owns the property is stubborn and self-defeatist?
Well, today we got absolutely nowhere. My in-laws and DH and I worked out before we went to meet with her that (and I may as well not be crytpic about the numbers anymore, who cares anyway?) we would pass it off to her that we are paying the FULL appraisal value of the property and structure: $195,000. My in-laws have put $130,000 into the house, and this woman payed $5,000 to buy the property from her son. (I believe at that time the property had cost HIM $90,000.)
Following so far?
So the appraised value of the home is $195,000. IF it is sold to US, then my in-laws would be willing to take a cut of $30,000 (in reality, we would pay them back a little at a time, or not at all, but this is how we wanted to present it to the owner). So, taking into account my in-laws' cut of $30,000 that leaves $95,000 and we were thinking we'd offer her $65,000 - so that in the end, they both take a "cut" from their share of the appraisal of $30,000. (It actually works out as a less pecentage cut for the owner, but we do want to make it worth her while to sell to us.)
$65,000 was our "magic" number tonight. We knew that by telling her that if she sold the house to anyone OTHER than us, my in-laws would expect their full $130,000 back - that then she'd realize, $65,000 is the most she would get from anyone.
(We were prepared to go up to $75,000 though as further incentive.)
Well, we didn't even get to give an offer, because she immediately said something about how "we have to just forget about the money we put into it, J (my FIL). I've lost everything but the shirt on my back on that house." And then she went on to say she wanted $195,000 for it, and would possibly take it down to $190,000... and that was to go ALL TO HER!
Needless to say, we didn't get further than that. There was a lot of awkward silence, because my FIL is a meek guy, not wanting to stir up any waves (typical Phlegmatic through and through), and once he said something about expecting to get SOME money back, she was pretty much like, "Well, if we sell for $195,000, I will just take $190,000."
Can you believe that??
So we left. Awkwardly. (Because this woman IS a friend of theirs, after all, so we left on "friendly" terms, while my in-laws were HIGHLY insulted.)
And now as it stands, my in-laws are going to put a lien on the house so that she cannot sell it. From there, if my MIL has anything to do with it, they will sue her for the full $130,000. My FIL won't do that on his own.
As suspected, not much really happened tonight, BUT at least we are making steps.
And as for the job situation, my Supervisor has not had the chance to speak to me since he spoke with the owner of the imaging center (over a game of golf Wednesday afternoon) because there were always other people in the room at the time. I will try to ask him what's what tomorrow. BUT, my NaPro Dr has told me that she can use me for first trimester viability scans (which she usually sends her patients out of office for), and I will get paid per case, which is great. So I at least have one (VERY) part-time job.
Sorry there's not more exciting news to share. We'll be lucky if there's a decision about this house before the end of the year. The thing is, we would never be able to afford any other place right now unless it was a piece of property that we could SLOWLY build on. So if it's not this house for us? We're not able to move out and get our own place.
Prayer Buddy, I need ya to step up those prayers in these final days, please!!
Well, today we got absolutely nowhere. My in-laws and DH and I worked out before we went to meet with her that (and I may as well not be crytpic about the numbers anymore, who cares anyway?) we would pass it off to her that we are paying the FULL appraisal value of the property and structure: $195,000. My in-laws have put $130,000 into the house, and this woman payed $5,000 to buy the property from her son. (I believe at that time the property had cost HIM $90,000.)
Following so far?
So the appraised value of the home is $195,000. IF it is sold to US, then my in-laws would be willing to take a cut of $30,000 (in reality, we would pay them back a little at a time, or not at all, but this is how we wanted to present it to the owner). So, taking into account my in-laws' cut of $30,000 that leaves $95,000 and we were thinking we'd offer her $65,000 - so that in the end, they both take a "cut" from their share of the appraisal of $30,000. (It actually works out as a less pecentage cut for the owner, but we do want to make it worth her while to sell to us.)
$65,000 was our "magic" number tonight. We knew that by telling her that if she sold the house to anyone OTHER than us, my in-laws would expect their full $130,000 back - that then she'd realize, $65,000 is the most she would get from anyone.
(We were prepared to go up to $75,000 though as further incentive.)
Well, we didn't even get to give an offer, because she immediately said something about how "we have to just forget about the money we put into it, J (my FIL). I've lost everything but the shirt on my back on that house." And then she went on to say she wanted $195,000 for it, and would possibly take it down to $190,000... and that was to go ALL TO HER!
Needless to say, we didn't get further than that. There was a lot of awkward silence, because my FIL is a meek guy, not wanting to stir up any waves (typical Phlegmatic through and through), and once he said something about expecting to get SOME money back, she was pretty much like, "Well, if we sell for $195,000, I will just take $190,000."
Can you believe that??
So we left. Awkwardly. (Because this woman IS a friend of theirs, after all, so we left on "friendly" terms, while my in-laws were HIGHLY insulted.)
And now as it stands, my in-laws are going to put a lien on the house so that she cannot sell it. From there, if my MIL has anything to do with it, they will sue her for the full $130,000. My FIL won't do that on his own.
As suspected, not much really happened tonight, BUT at least we are making steps.
And as for the job situation, my Supervisor has not had the chance to speak to me since he spoke with the owner of the imaging center (over a game of golf Wednesday afternoon) because there were always other people in the room at the time. I will try to ask him what's what tomorrow. BUT, my NaPro Dr has told me that she can use me for first trimester viability scans (which she usually sends her patients out of office for), and I will get paid per case, which is great. So I at least have one (VERY) part-time job.
Sorry there's not more exciting news to share. We'll be lucky if there's a decision about this house before the end of the year. The thing is, we would never be able to afford any other place right now unless it was a piece of property that we could SLOWLY build on. So if it's not this house for us? We're not able to move out and get our own place.
Prayer Buddy, I need ya to step up those prayers in these final days, please!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Big Day Tomorrow...
Has anyone else besides me and Sew noticed that whenever something really huge happens for one of us, something huge happens for the other?? I think we are long-lost sisters.
Anyway, tomorrow is a big day for me. In the evening, we are meeting with the woman who owns the property we are trying to purchase. On the property is an unfinished structure- a potentially BEAUTIFUL house- that my in-laws' were working on with said woman years ago. Then, she ran out of money, refused to sell it to my in-laws so they could finish it, and it has been sitting there rotting for years.
BUT, as my in-laws have so much $$ in the building, AND the economy is the way it is, AND she is now desperate to sell... the ducks are all in a row for us to be able to actually afford buying it (with a loan, of course).
The only problem is, this woman is known for being self-defeatist AND stubborn. So, she will not like our offer because we are going to offer her ONLY HER SHARE, and then explain that this way, SHE doesn't have to pay my in-laws back, rather, WE will.
But, it is the first step of the process. We are almost there, I can feel it!
Once it is an actual deal (I've had way too many bad things happen to me when I'm expecting good lately, so I haven't wanted to even talk or post about this) I will post pics of the structure and the property.
Second:
Since we are going to be making an offer on a new home tomorrow, I really need to KNOW if I will have a definite job or not. My supervisor really wants me to stay on- but he's not the problem. The problem is the owner. They fired an ultrasonographer back in March, and have been 1 short since then. BUT, the owner has seen that hey, we're doing the same work and I'm paying one less salary. Not so good for me. I plan to speak with my supervisor tomorrow and explain that in order to get the loan for the house, I will need to have an income, so I need to know one way or another.
Like I said, big day.
Your prayers are appreciated.
And just so that this post isn't a total loss (this is an infertility blog after all, so who really cares about my living arrangements and career??):
I am on CD 7 today and Halle-frickin'-llujia, I've had NO BROWN BLEEDING!! Period lasted 6 days. I am taking Biaxin this cycle for the first time (but trust me, I am NO NEWBIE to antibiotics, I've taken them every which way a person can possibly take antibiotics... except rectally... but my husband did!) I'm also taking Hydrocort again. The first time on Hydrocort I did not see any reprieve of the TEBB (tail-end brown bleeding), so who knows if it is the Biaxin alone doing the trick or the combination of Biaxin and Hydrocort. Only time will tell. I'm not getting my hopes up too high since in the past when I've had no TEBB for a random cycle, it has always come back.
I also have heard back from both Dr B (NaPro Ireland) and Dr D (NaPro California), and they are both interested in helping me out. Dr B has again suggested the DNA fragmentation study on DH, and ironically enough, we have had an appt set up with Dr Paduch at Cornell-Weill for a couple months now, and FJIEJ told me that he runs this very test! Sweet! That appt is on 8/26.
(I am still seeing Dr Check, too, but he has let me fall by the wayside, so to speak. Told me to take progesterone, which I had already from another Dr, and hasn't said boo to me since the appt. I am highly dissappointed, I feel like he spends so much time going over everyone else's case with a fine-tooth comb, but with me he throws some progesterone at me and calls it a day?? Really? Someone who has NEVER ONCE CONCEIVED in 4 years of TTC?? Whatever, that's exactly why I have 12 Drs and counting ;) )
Anyway, tomorrow is a big day for me. In the evening, we are meeting with the woman who owns the property we are trying to purchase. On the property is an unfinished structure- a potentially BEAUTIFUL house- that my in-laws' were working on with said woman years ago. Then, she ran out of money, refused to sell it to my in-laws so they could finish it, and it has been sitting there rotting for years.
BUT, as my in-laws have so much $$ in the building, AND the economy is the way it is, AND she is now desperate to sell... the ducks are all in a row for us to be able to actually afford buying it (with a loan, of course).
The only problem is, this woman is known for being self-defeatist AND stubborn. So, she will not like our offer because we are going to offer her ONLY HER SHARE, and then explain that this way, SHE doesn't have to pay my in-laws back, rather, WE will.
But, it is the first step of the process. We are almost there, I can feel it!
Once it is an actual deal (I've had way too many bad things happen to me when I'm expecting good lately, so I haven't wanted to even talk or post about this) I will post pics of the structure and the property.
Second:
Since we are going to be making an offer on a new home tomorrow, I really need to KNOW if I will have a definite job or not. My supervisor really wants me to stay on- but he's not the problem. The problem is the owner. They fired an ultrasonographer back in March, and have been 1 short since then. BUT, the owner has seen that hey, we're doing the same work and I'm paying one less salary. Not so good for me. I plan to speak with my supervisor tomorrow and explain that in order to get the loan for the house, I will need to have an income, so I need to know one way or another.
Like I said, big day.
Your prayers are appreciated.
And just so that this post isn't a total loss (this is an infertility blog after all, so who really cares about my living arrangements and career??):
I am on CD 7 today and Halle-frickin'-llujia, I've had NO BROWN BLEEDING!! Period lasted 6 days. I am taking Biaxin this cycle for the first time (but trust me, I am NO NEWBIE to antibiotics, I've taken them every which way a person can possibly take antibiotics... except rectally... but my husband did!) I'm also taking Hydrocort again. The first time on Hydrocort I did not see any reprieve of the TEBB (tail-end brown bleeding), so who knows if it is the Biaxin alone doing the trick or the combination of Biaxin and Hydrocort. Only time will tell. I'm not getting my hopes up too high since in the past when I've had no TEBB for a random cycle, it has always come back.
I also have heard back from both Dr B (NaPro Ireland) and Dr D (NaPro California), and they are both interested in helping me out. Dr B has again suggested the DNA fragmentation study on DH, and ironically enough, we have had an appt set up with Dr Paduch at Cornell-Weill for a couple months now, and FJIEJ told me that he runs this very test! Sweet! That appt is on 8/26.
(I am still seeing Dr Check, too, but he has let me fall by the wayside, so to speak. Told me to take progesterone, which I had already from another Dr, and hasn't said boo to me since the appt. I am highly dissappointed, I feel like he spends so much time going over everyone else's case with a fine-tooth comb, but with me he throws some progesterone at me and calls it a day?? Really? Someone who has NEVER ONCE CONCEIVED in 4 years of TTC?? Whatever, that's exactly why I have 12 Drs and counting ;) )
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Good in Theory
... harder in practice.
This having faith in faith thing is pretty rough.
Last night I had a bout of the hysterics, thinking about my poor dog, Uzi, and how his final days were spent in the hallway (because he was vomiting LARGE amounts of liquid bile without warning). He would lay there the final two days and whimper at me to come over into the living room and be with me... just typing it out makes me cry again. If I had only known. No amount of puke on my rug and couch could have stopped me from hugging and loving that precious dog all day long.
And then of course, I began to wonder if I missed the obvious signs that he was dying. Am I a bad mother? Shouldn't I have known he was deathly ill?? Maybe I could have saved his life if I'd recognized it sooner?
OK, I have to stop writing about that because I am going to end up in a psychiatric hospital. Seriously, I was hyperventilating last night remembering my poor, sweet baby.
But in general, it has been tough for me to envision an end to this suffering. We (DH and I) have had an absolutely terrible year, and it didn't just start in January. The really horrible stuff began last June... and each passing month offers absolutely no reprieve. And if that isn't bad enough, I am seeing dear, faithful friends also suffering immensely, and it looks as though my prayers for THEM are not even heard.
Then I go to Mass today. And the readings are all about: FAITH.
My favorite, of course, being the 2nd reading, not just because it dealt with the first of the infertile couples in the Bible (Abraham and Sarah), but because it came from my favorite Book - Hebrews.
In the letter to the Hebrews, the author explains how Abraham had been promised by God that his descendants would number the stars. Abraham didn't question how or when, he just went with it and had FAITH that God would make it so. But there's more. Even after being blessed with a child in their old age, Abraham has a huge reason to doubt his faith in God, when he is asked to sacrifice his only son. (Now, how on EARTH are his descendants going to number the stars if he is supposed to kill his only offspring??) But again, Abraham shows massive faith in obeying the Lord, NOT QUESTIONING how or why.
It may seem now that all is lost in my life. We have been stuck in quicksand for what seems like forever, and our lives are spiraling out of control.
I need to believe and have faith: He WILL rescue us. Things WILL get better. They have to...
This having faith in faith thing is pretty rough.
Last night I had a bout of the hysterics, thinking about my poor dog, Uzi, and how his final days were spent in the hallway (because he was vomiting LARGE amounts of liquid bile without warning). He would lay there the final two days and whimper at me to come over into the living room and be with me... just typing it out makes me cry again. If I had only known. No amount of puke on my rug and couch could have stopped me from hugging and loving that precious dog all day long.
And then of course, I began to wonder if I missed the obvious signs that he was dying. Am I a bad mother? Shouldn't I have known he was deathly ill?? Maybe I could have saved his life if I'd recognized it sooner?
OK, I have to stop writing about that because I am going to end up in a psychiatric hospital. Seriously, I was hyperventilating last night remembering my poor, sweet baby.
But in general, it has been tough for me to envision an end to this suffering. We (DH and I) have had an absolutely terrible year, and it didn't just start in January. The really horrible stuff began last June... and each passing month offers absolutely no reprieve. And if that isn't bad enough, I am seeing dear, faithful friends also suffering immensely, and it looks as though my prayers for THEM are not even heard.
Then I go to Mass today. And the readings are all about: FAITH.
My favorite, of course, being the 2nd reading, not just because it dealt with the first of the infertile couples in the Bible (Abraham and Sarah), but because it came from my favorite Book - Hebrews.
In the letter to the Hebrews, the author explains how Abraham had been promised by God that his descendants would number the stars. Abraham didn't question how or when, he just went with it and had FAITH that God would make it so. But there's more. Even after being blessed with a child in their old age, Abraham has a huge reason to doubt his faith in God, when he is asked to sacrifice his only son. (Now, how on EARTH are his descendants going to number the stars if he is supposed to kill his only offspring??) But again, Abraham shows massive faith in obeying the Lord, NOT QUESTIONING how or why.
It may seem now that all is lost in my life. We have been stuck in quicksand for what seems like forever, and our lives are spiraling out of control.
I need to believe and have faith: He WILL rescue us. Things WILL get better. They have to...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
FAITH
A dear friend - the mother of my due-in-January godchild- sent me a beautiful plaque in the mail that reads:
Faith is not believing that God Can. It is knowing that He Will.
I have it sitting near my computer now... a place where I do most of my reflecting.
These words have finally hit me, and hard. I have continually been saying to myself and to anyone who will listen that I have faith that God can do anything and everything, it's just that I don't have faith that He WILL do it for me.
Well then, where I've been proclaiming to have faith is not really faith at all, is it?
But how is an infertile, with a slew of medical issues and closed doors to every avenue of adoption, to believe and have faith that God will make me a mother?
It is incredibly difficult- but I've decided I am ready to put my faith in faith. I believe God can do it... and I believe He WILL do it.
The same friend who sent me the plaque also sent me a text message about her daily Mass gospel and homily. It was about the woman whose daughter was possessed, and who begged for Jesus to help her - Jesus ignored the woman until she cried out, "Even dogs get scraps from the Master's table!" At this, Jesus healed her daughter.
The point of this story is to bring to light how powerful faith can be - even for we who are nothing here on earth - we can have faith that God will come to our aid and answer our prayers.
I don't have to be able to see how God will answer my prayers. And that's where I think I was getting stuck in the past. The how is not for me to know, or even to worry about. Neither is the when, the where, or the why. (How often have I yelled "Why??" towards heaven in desperation?) Faith doesn't bother itself with any of that. Faith is blind. Faith is pure, without strings attached.
I had some beautiful insights and comments given to me on my last post, and it really has brought me to a better understanding of my faith. No one knows the whys - not just me! But it doesn't matter what the circumstances are, I know that God will prevail in all of the circumstances in my life right now. His will be done.
I have faith that God will heal me and my husband, in every sense of the word, and that He will grant the desires of our hearts to live out our vocation as parents.
And you know what? With faith on my side, I don't even care about the how. OR the why :)
Faith is not believing that God Can. It is knowing that He Will.
I have it sitting near my computer now... a place where I do most of my reflecting.
These words have finally hit me, and hard. I have continually been saying to myself and to anyone who will listen that I have faith that God can do anything and everything, it's just that I don't have faith that He WILL do it for me.
Well then, where I've been proclaiming to have faith is not really faith at all, is it?
But how is an infertile, with a slew of medical issues and closed doors to every avenue of adoption, to believe and have faith that God will make me a mother?
It is incredibly difficult- but I've decided I am ready to put my faith in faith. I believe God can do it... and I believe He WILL do it.
The same friend who sent me the plaque also sent me a text message about her daily Mass gospel and homily. It was about the woman whose daughter was possessed, and who begged for Jesus to help her - Jesus ignored the woman until she cried out, "Even dogs get scraps from the Master's table!" At this, Jesus healed her daughter.
The point of this story is to bring to light how powerful faith can be - even for we who are nothing here on earth - we can have faith that God will come to our aid and answer our prayers.
I don't have to be able to see how God will answer my prayers. And that's where I think I was getting stuck in the past. The how is not for me to know, or even to worry about. Neither is the when, the where, or the why. (How often have I yelled "Why??" towards heaven in desperation?) Faith doesn't bother itself with any of that. Faith is blind. Faith is pure, without strings attached.
I had some beautiful insights and comments given to me on my last post, and it really has brought me to a better understanding of my faith. No one knows the whys - not just me! But it doesn't matter what the circumstances are, I know that God will prevail in all of the circumstances in my life right now. His will be done.
I have faith that God will heal me and my husband, in every sense of the word, and that He will grant the desires of our hearts to live out our vocation as parents.
And you know what? With faith on my side, I don't even care about the how. OR the why :)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Exposing the Oldwick Fire Company
For my husband's sake, I have not delved into detail about the major "why" behind our rejected Home Study back in January. But the time has come to talk about this, because last night I was absolutely flabbergasted by just how insensitive and cruel a group of "volunteer" firemen could be.
On January 26th, 2010, my DH was arrested. Long story short, his volunteer fire company accused him of stealing money from the banquet hall account, which he had been in charge of. (What actually happened is that the money was put into a money market in another bank, to yield a higher interest.) The town cops came to "speak" to my DH about the allegations, and then with no warning, arrested him. We got him out on bail that same evening, but our world was literally flipped upside down. (That night, I had my first out of body experience. It was not good.) Our Home Study was rejected with our adoption agency, and then when I looked into Foster Care, they couldn't even let us proceed because the situation is current.
If your mouth is gaping yet, close it back up, because it's about to get a whole lot worse.
The firemen went on to ask my FIL (current President of the fire company) to step down as President, so that none other than P. Me.lick could take over as President. PM was the one behind this entire thing, which we have learned is largely POLITICAL in nature. PM is a Town Committeeman, while his father Geo.rge is a Freeholder. Then, on February 11, 2010, another fun surprise: On the FRONT PAGE of two County papers, is an article about the situation!!! Apparently the fire company had taken a vote on whether or not to put it in the paper, and the vote was "yes." So there, for our entire community to see (including DH's business clients, my NaPro Dr, my supervisor and co-workers, all my clients, and anyone coming to our Infertility Support Group in the Diocese) was an article, mentioning DH by name, his father by name, misrepresenting information about DH (stating he was a member for only 2 years when it was actually 6), and then going on to QUOTE P. F'ing Mel.ick, "Town Committeeman" Extraordinaire.
We were crushed. Twice. Once with the Home Study rejection, and twice with the humiliation-factor. (Not to mention we got wind of many horrible rumors spreading about DH all over town by G. Mel.ick.)
But DH's lawyer quickly looked into something called PTI - pre-trial intervention. PTI is basically a way to "settle" affairs like this without muckying up the court system with MEANINGLESS B.S, therefore this situation was a perfect candidate for it. It would mean that 1.5 years after PTI was obtained, this would not be on DH's permanent record. Finally, a glimmer of hope for us!! In about 2 years, we "may" be able to start all over with adoption!! Hey, not much, but it's something!!
Well, the fire company caught wind of this, and THEY (or maybe a certain TWO members) decided to write a letter to the D.A. asking them to not offer DH PTI, because they didn't feel it was a "harsh enough punishment." Not harsh enough?? Are you kidding me?? Being ARRESTED for opening an account to earn more money FOR the fire company, and subsequently being rejected on your ability to adopt isn't harsh enough???
(Close that mouth again, there's more.)
I decided something had to be done. Because DH was forbidden by his lawyer to speak to anyone in the fire company, I stepped up to the plate. I wrote a letter to the Oldwick Fire Company, Oldwick, New Jersey, which my FIL presented to them last night, in the hopes of having them re-vote to rescind their decision.
Below is my letter:
Gentlemen,
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is TCIE. I am R's wife of four years, and these four years have been both the best and the worst of my life. They have been the best because I have had the amazing privilege to be married to one of the best men I’ve ever known- generous, selfless, charitable, dedicated, loving, and forgiving, this is the man I married in R.
But these four years have been the worst of my life for many other reasons.
When R and I got married in August 2006, we were so excited to start our family right away. My ultimate goal and calling in life is to be a mother. I knew this from the time I was a young child, and even graduating Valedictorian from my High School and graduating cum laude from Middlebury College with the world at my fingertips, I still knew in my heart that what I most wanted to accomplish in life was motherhood.
So when I did not become pregnant right away after our wedding, just as my mother, grandmother, and sister had before me, I immediately became concerned. We sought help for my health issues in November 2006, and have been seeing countless Drs all over the country ever since. That is almost FOUR YEARS of Dr’s appointments, invasive tests, blood draws, ultrasounds, surgeries (I’ve had three), and procedures. All the while my amazing husband has been by my side, more supportive than any husband could be. You see, our infertility is completely on my part. It is my body that cannot conceive. And it kills R that he can’t do anything to change that.
Luckily there was a silver, no scratch that, GOLDEN lining. We had always planned to adopt, even before we got married. We assumed we would adopt our youngest child after having biological children. But our infertility steered us to begin the adoption process sooner than we had originally planned.
And so we began. We filled out piles and piles of paperwork. We got fingerprinted. We had blood tests and urine tests. We compiled several letters of recommendation from friends and neighbors. We sat through long interviews with our Social Worker, where very personal questions were asked of us. The entire process was just as invasive as our infertility treatments and tests had been, and left us just as exhausted- mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. We were literally at the end of our rope when the end of our 6-month Home Study was drawing to an end. There was finally an end in sight! Once we were Home Study approved, we would officially be “waiting” to be matched and placed with OUR CHILD!! We would be “pregnant on paper.” We would be parents, in just a matter of time. All of the waiting, all of the testing, all of the pain and suffering would be so worth it.
And then came R’s arrest, January 26th, 2010.
At first, we felt completely defeated. This was it. Our Home Study was rejected. We would never again have the opportunity to adopt a child. After four years of never conceiving, and being told by 9 different Drs that we have less than a 2% chance of conceiving, there was no hope left that we would ever become parents. Ever. In any way.
But in answer to fervent prayer, God gave us a glimmer of hope where all hope was lost. Pre-Trial Intervention, PTI. It meant that after a certain amount of time, R’s permanent record would not be tainted, and we may once again be able to pursue adoption, and he would finally be able to make me a mother and finally become a father himself. We hesitantly put all our eggs in the PTI basket… because there was literally nowhere else to put them.
And now? We are being threatened once again with a future of childlessness.
Gentlemen, I urge you not to do this to us. Your decision will not only affect R, but will affect my life, and affect it DRASTICALLY. I ask you to remember the day your wife became a mother for the first time- remember the look on her face as she stared at the tiny face of her child- the tears in her eyes – the joy in her smile. Remember how your joy of being a father for the first time was magnified by the joy of seeing just how fulfilled, just how complete your wife looked in her perfect new role as “mommy.”
R is sorry and remorseful. He knows that he made some poor choices, and he wishes he had the opportunity to speak with you all himself. However, he is under strict advisement from his attorney to not discuss the matter at all. He will be returning all funds to the fire company, and PTI will require him to do this, as well. Ask yourselves if the alleged crime is worth ruining two young people’s lives. Ask yourselves if you could endure seeing the joy of parenthood (or the joy of the promise of parenthood) ripped away from two people who value life so much that they have devoted their lives to helping and serving others’ lives. I find it difficult to believe such honorable gentlemen who volunteer their time for their community could make such a decision.
Our immense suffering has lasted four years already. Give us a chance to move on with our lives. Please, don’t make our suffering last a lifetime.
My FIL spoke briefly after presenting the letter to them, telling them that he hopes for the opportunity to have grandchildren through his only son, so that his family name may be carried on.
And after asking my FIL to leave so that they could "discuss" the matter, a vote of 14-4 remained in favor of prolonging our suffering over a lifetime.
....Aaaaaaaaand NOW you may insert the expletives.
I am mostly upset that these animals (let's face it, they are not the "gentlemen" I presume to address them as in the letter) could read this heartfelt letter from a young woman they have NO personal, political, or any other connection to, and could still be so blatantly VISCIOUS. Am I wrong? Is this not the most cruel and unusual thing you've ever heard of??
I know that publishing this on my blog will not do much of anything, except inform my readers of what's been going on. What I really want to do is get THIS in the county papers, but I will wait for advisement from DH's lawyer (who is on vacation for another week).
I am dumbfounded. I truly am. I may have failed to mention that a) DH and FIL built the fire company their brand new building for NO profit, b) the member that decided to go "tattle" to the Me.licks instead of asking DH straight out what happened with the $$ was the same guy who wrote one of our adoption reference letters, and c) DH's bff from childhood is the son of a VERY prominent NJ woman, who has never politically supported the Mel.icks.
We prayed a rosary last night, me, DH, and MIL, while my FIL was presenting the letter. Sorry, Prayer Buddy, but last night's prayers were for us. Apparently, it doesn't matter if I'm praying for us or if other people do, because prayers offered for our intentions never seem to be answered.
On January 26th, 2010, my DH was arrested. Long story short, his volunteer fire company accused him of stealing money from the banquet hall account, which he had been in charge of. (What actually happened is that the money was put into a money market in another bank, to yield a higher interest.) The town cops came to "speak" to my DH about the allegations, and then with no warning, arrested him. We got him out on bail that same evening, but our world was literally flipped upside down. (That night, I had my first out of body experience. It was not good.) Our Home Study was rejected with our adoption agency, and then when I looked into Foster Care, they couldn't even let us proceed because the situation is current.
If your mouth is gaping yet, close it back up, because it's about to get a whole lot worse.
The firemen went on to ask my FIL (current President of the fire company) to step down as President, so that none other than P. Me.lick could take over as President. PM was the one behind this entire thing, which we have learned is largely POLITICAL in nature. PM is a Town Committeeman, while his father Geo.rge is a Freeholder. Then, on February 11, 2010, another fun surprise: On the FRONT PAGE of two County papers, is an article about the situation!!! Apparently the fire company had taken a vote on whether or not to put it in the paper, and the vote was "yes." So there, for our entire community to see (including DH's business clients, my NaPro Dr, my supervisor and co-workers, all my clients, and anyone coming to our Infertility Support Group in the Diocese) was an article, mentioning DH by name, his father by name, misrepresenting information about DH (stating he was a member for only 2 years when it was actually 6), and then going on to QUOTE P. F'ing Mel.ick, "Town Committeeman" Extraordinaire.
We were crushed. Twice. Once with the Home Study rejection, and twice with the humiliation-factor. (Not to mention we got wind of many horrible rumors spreading about DH all over town by G. Mel.ick.)
But DH's lawyer quickly looked into something called PTI - pre-trial intervention. PTI is basically a way to "settle" affairs like this without muckying up the court system with MEANINGLESS B.S, therefore this situation was a perfect candidate for it. It would mean that 1.5 years after PTI was obtained, this would not be on DH's permanent record. Finally, a glimmer of hope for us!! In about 2 years, we "may" be able to start all over with adoption!! Hey, not much, but it's something!!
Well, the fire company caught wind of this, and THEY (or maybe a certain TWO members) decided to write a letter to the D.A. asking them to not offer DH PTI, because they didn't feel it was a "harsh enough punishment." Not harsh enough?? Are you kidding me?? Being ARRESTED for opening an account to earn more money FOR the fire company, and subsequently being rejected on your ability to adopt isn't harsh enough???
(Close that mouth again, there's more.)
I decided something had to be done. Because DH was forbidden by his lawyer to speak to anyone in the fire company, I stepped up to the plate. I wrote a letter to the Oldwick Fire Company, Oldwick, New Jersey, which my FIL presented to them last night, in the hopes of having them re-vote to rescind their decision.
Below is my letter:
Gentlemen,
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is TCIE. I am R's wife of four years, and these four years have been both the best and the worst of my life. They have been the best because I have had the amazing privilege to be married to one of the best men I’ve ever known- generous, selfless, charitable, dedicated, loving, and forgiving, this is the man I married in R.
But these four years have been the worst of my life for many other reasons.
When R and I got married in August 2006, we were so excited to start our family right away. My ultimate goal and calling in life is to be a mother. I knew this from the time I was a young child, and even graduating Valedictorian from my High School and graduating cum laude from Middlebury College with the world at my fingertips, I still knew in my heart that what I most wanted to accomplish in life was motherhood.
So when I did not become pregnant right away after our wedding, just as my mother, grandmother, and sister had before me, I immediately became concerned. We sought help for my health issues in November 2006, and have been seeing countless Drs all over the country ever since. That is almost FOUR YEARS of Dr’s appointments, invasive tests, blood draws, ultrasounds, surgeries (I’ve had three), and procedures. All the while my amazing husband has been by my side, more supportive than any husband could be. You see, our infertility is completely on my part. It is my body that cannot conceive. And it kills R that he can’t do anything to change that.
Luckily there was a silver, no scratch that, GOLDEN lining. We had always planned to adopt, even before we got married. We assumed we would adopt our youngest child after having biological children. But our infertility steered us to begin the adoption process sooner than we had originally planned.
And so we began. We filled out piles and piles of paperwork. We got fingerprinted. We had blood tests and urine tests. We compiled several letters of recommendation from friends and neighbors. We sat through long interviews with our Social Worker, where very personal questions were asked of us. The entire process was just as invasive as our infertility treatments and tests had been, and left us just as exhausted- mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. We were literally at the end of our rope when the end of our 6-month Home Study was drawing to an end. There was finally an end in sight! Once we were Home Study approved, we would officially be “waiting” to be matched and placed with OUR CHILD!! We would be “pregnant on paper.” We would be parents, in just a matter of time. All of the waiting, all of the testing, all of the pain and suffering would be so worth it.
And then came R’s arrest, January 26th, 2010.
At first, we felt completely defeated. This was it. Our Home Study was rejected. We would never again have the opportunity to adopt a child. After four years of never conceiving, and being told by 9 different Drs that we have less than a 2% chance of conceiving, there was no hope left that we would ever become parents. Ever. In any way.
But in answer to fervent prayer, God gave us a glimmer of hope where all hope was lost. Pre-Trial Intervention, PTI. It meant that after a certain amount of time, R’s permanent record would not be tainted, and we may once again be able to pursue adoption, and he would finally be able to make me a mother and finally become a father himself. We hesitantly put all our eggs in the PTI basket… because there was literally nowhere else to put them.
And now? We are being threatened once again with a future of childlessness.
Gentlemen, I urge you not to do this to us. Your decision will not only affect R, but will affect my life, and affect it DRASTICALLY. I ask you to remember the day your wife became a mother for the first time- remember the look on her face as she stared at the tiny face of her child- the tears in her eyes – the joy in her smile. Remember how your joy of being a father for the first time was magnified by the joy of seeing just how fulfilled, just how complete your wife looked in her perfect new role as “mommy.”
R is sorry and remorseful. He knows that he made some poor choices, and he wishes he had the opportunity to speak with you all himself. However, he is under strict advisement from his attorney to not discuss the matter at all. He will be returning all funds to the fire company, and PTI will require him to do this, as well. Ask yourselves if the alleged crime is worth ruining two young people’s lives. Ask yourselves if you could endure seeing the joy of parenthood (or the joy of the promise of parenthood) ripped away from two people who value life so much that they have devoted their lives to helping and serving others’ lives. I find it difficult to believe such honorable gentlemen who volunteer their time for their community could make such a decision.
Our immense suffering has lasted four years already. Give us a chance to move on with our lives. Please, don’t make our suffering last a lifetime.
My FIL spoke briefly after presenting the letter to them, telling them that he hopes for the opportunity to have grandchildren through his only son, so that his family name may be carried on.
And after asking my FIL to leave so that they could "discuss" the matter, a vote of 14-4 remained in favor of prolonging our suffering over a lifetime.
....Aaaaaaaaand NOW you may insert the expletives.
I am mostly upset that these animals (let's face it, they are not the "gentlemen" I presume to address them as in the letter) could read this heartfelt letter from a young woman they have NO personal, political, or any other connection to, and could still be so blatantly VISCIOUS. Am I wrong? Is this not the most cruel and unusual thing you've ever heard of??
I know that publishing this on my blog will not do much of anything, except inform my readers of what's been going on. What I really want to do is get THIS in the county papers, but I will wait for advisement from DH's lawyer (who is on vacation for another week).
I am dumbfounded. I truly am. I may have failed to mention that a) DH and FIL built the fire company their brand new building for NO profit, b) the member that decided to go "tattle" to the Me.licks instead of asking DH straight out what happened with the $$ was the same guy who wrote one of our adoption reference letters, and c) DH's bff from childhood is the son of a VERY prominent NJ woman, who has never politically supported the Mel.icks.
We prayed a rosary last night, me, DH, and MIL, while my FIL was presenting the letter. Sorry, Prayer Buddy, but last night's prayers were for us. Apparently, it doesn't matter if I'm praying for us or if other people do, because prayers offered for our intentions never seem to be answered.
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