I missed my Blogoversary!
Happy 2 Year Anniversary, my alter-ego, TCIE!! 4/25/08
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Similarity of Crosses
I was thinking today about the similarity of our (infertile/subfertile) cross to the cross of single life. That is, the cross of single life for those who have a calling to marriage (because to be fair, not everyone views being single as a cross, nor should they).
I began contemplating this because I was thinking about one of my sisters. Currently all 3 of my older sisters are single/not married. The oldest has never been married, the second is divorced and working toward annullment, with an almost-13 year old daughter, my goddaughter. But today, I was thinking about my next-oldest sister, #3. She is the one who has always said when she was younger that she never wanted children. She has even made the comment more than once that she hates babies. (And thinks newborns are ugly, which I must say, I often agree with that last statement!) She is a very humurous individual and presents herself to the outside world as not taking herself too seriously. On FB, she has been known to make Sew crack up on more than one occasion with her sarcastic remarks ;)
But in the not-so-distant past, I have heard my sister talk about how she will "most likely" not have children. She is 35. I believe that she does desire motherhood, even if she hasn't fully admitted it outwardly. Of course, I can't imagine any woman not desiring motherhood, though I do know they exist, but especially not any of my sisters.
It breaks my heart to see her, and my oldest sister, in the position of not having a steady boyfriend or the prospect of marriage on the forefront. I have included them specifically in my prayers to Saint Gianna. I just don't know what else I can do for them.
As I was thinking about this sister, I also thought about Shannon, "A Friend of Gianna." The cross of single life when one is called to marriage is very hard. I remember carrying that cross for a short time in my own life, though at the time it felt like forever. In High School and college, it seemed that everyone around me had found their soulmate, or at least, a serious boyfriend. I wondered, what was wrong with me?? In junior high (everyone's FAVORITE years, right?) I remember family members telling me the boys would be lining up in just a few years... so where were they??
I had 2 boyfriends in High School, 1 for five months (though he completely ignored me for about 4.5 months of that... he was a loser pothead), and the other about 2 months. In college, I had 1 boyfriend who I dated on and off again (we broke up before he went to study abroad, got back together and then broke up when I went to study abroad... then I met DH).
(On an interesting sidenote, I recently found out that of those 3 prior boyfriends, the first one is now expecting his first child... which makes it official, they have all become fathers before I've been able to make my DH one.)
That waiting time before the first boyfriend and between boyfriends seemed so excruciating. I felt alone, unwanted, abandoned, worthless.
Much the way I feel now as an infertile.
In the very early months of TTC, I was not ovulating due to severe PCOS and years of having been on the bcp. When I discovered I had been trying all that time and didn't even have a chance, I remember likening it to being on a basketball team and never getting off the bench. (This analogy was apropos because I was on my HS b-ball team and rarely got off the bench.)
Those who are called to marriage and furthermore motherhood all share a similar goal- we want to WIN the game.
Some of us continue to try out for the team year after year, but are always given the same, "try again next year." Those would be our friends who carry the single cross. What they most desire at this time (even though their ULTIMATE goal may be to win the game) is really just the chance to be a part of the team. To achieve that common bond of marriage with their teammate for life.
Others may just want a chance to get off the bench. They hear others complaining about missing that elbow shot, or throwing brick after brick... and all they want at the moment is to get that ball in their hands and be given the opportunity to drive it to the basket. These are our friends who do not ovulate for one reason or another, whether it be temporary anovulation or POF or perimenopause. We may also add those whose husbands have a zero sperm count to this analogy.
Still others just want to FINALLY score a basket. Again, the ultimate goal is to win the game, but in order to win the game, these gals need to SCORE to put points on the board. These are the Infertiles. Those who have never conceived. We're on the team, we're in the game, but we may as well be running around the court with our hands in our pants like Jeffrey from "Everybody Loves Ray.mond" (ever see that episode?!) for as much as we're contributing.
And lastly, there are those who continue to lose the game, though they may score once, twice, three times, etc. It seems that every time they score a point and get the hope of winning the game, along comes the other team to score TWO baskets. These are the women who miscarry. No matter what they do, how hard they try, they just cannot stay ahead on the scoreboard.
All of us desire to move forward from our current position. If we're not on the team, we desperately want to be. If we're benchers, we just want our coach to believe in us and put us in the game. If we have never scored a basket, we just want to experience the joy of hearing that ball swish through the net and the crowd cheering behind us. And if we cannot win even one game, we try over and over again to improve our defense so that we can stay on top until the end of the game. (How ironic that a college basketball game lasts 40 minutes... like the 40 weeks of pregnancy.)
While we fight to get on the team, get in the game, score just one basket, and win the game, we all feel defeated, abandoned, unworthy, and alone.
All the while, we are seemingly surrounded by teams of 7-foot women who can jump 3 feet off the ground, can score a 3-point hook-shot from the corner with their eyes closed, and NEVER EVEN PRACTICE! These women may take their team for granted- not appreciating the fact that they have lifelong teammates who will always be at their side. These women may not appreciate the fact that they are starters whose butts have never known a splinter. They may often forget that they score with such ease it is nauseating. And what's worse? Once they win the championship game, they may skip out completely on the trophy ceremony.
Some may actually complain about how tired they are of being able to win game after game. Some may consider it a cross to bear, having so many championship trophies and no room on their shelf to display them. And some may do the unthinkable, and forfeit their title. Maybe even more than once.
My prayer for us all, which I will bring to the St. Gianna shrine tomorrow for her feast day, is that we are all able to get to the next step on our journey to the championship SOON. And that a trophy is in ALL of our futures.
I began contemplating this because I was thinking about one of my sisters. Currently all 3 of my older sisters are single/not married. The oldest has never been married, the second is divorced and working toward annullment, with an almost-13 year old daughter, my goddaughter. But today, I was thinking about my next-oldest sister, #3. She is the one who has always said when she was younger that she never wanted children. She has even made the comment more than once that she hates babies. (And thinks newborns are ugly, which I must say, I often agree with that last statement!) She is a very humurous individual and presents herself to the outside world as not taking herself too seriously. On FB, she has been known to make Sew crack up on more than one occasion with her sarcastic remarks ;)
But in the not-so-distant past, I have heard my sister talk about how she will "most likely" not have children. She is 35. I believe that she does desire motherhood, even if she hasn't fully admitted it outwardly. Of course, I can't imagine any woman not desiring motherhood, though I do know they exist, but especially not any of my sisters.
It breaks my heart to see her, and my oldest sister, in the position of not having a steady boyfriend or the prospect of marriage on the forefront. I have included them specifically in my prayers to Saint Gianna. I just don't know what else I can do for them.
As I was thinking about this sister, I also thought about Shannon, "A Friend of Gianna." The cross of single life when one is called to marriage is very hard. I remember carrying that cross for a short time in my own life, though at the time it felt like forever. In High School and college, it seemed that everyone around me had found their soulmate, or at least, a serious boyfriend. I wondered, what was wrong with me?? In junior high (everyone's FAVORITE years, right?) I remember family members telling me the boys would be lining up in just a few years... so where were they??
I had 2 boyfriends in High School, 1 for five months (though he completely ignored me for about 4.5 months of that... he was a loser pothead), and the other about 2 months. In college, I had 1 boyfriend who I dated on and off again (we broke up before he went to study abroad, got back together and then broke up when I went to study abroad... then I met DH).
(On an interesting sidenote, I recently found out that of those 3 prior boyfriends, the first one is now expecting his first child... which makes it official, they have all become fathers before I've been able to make my DH one.)
That waiting time before the first boyfriend and between boyfriends seemed so excruciating. I felt alone, unwanted, abandoned, worthless.
Much the way I feel now as an infertile.
In the very early months of TTC, I was not ovulating due to severe PCOS and years of having been on the bcp. When I discovered I had been trying all that time and didn't even have a chance, I remember likening it to being on a basketball team and never getting off the bench. (This analogy was apropos because I was on my HS b-ball team and rarely got off the bench.)
Those who are called to marriage and furthermore motherhood all share a similar goal- we want to WIN the game.
Some of us continue to try out for the team year after year, but are always given the same, "try again next year." Those would be our friends who carry the single cross. What they most desire at this time (even though their ULTIMATE goal may be to win the game) is really just the chance to be a part of the team. To achieve that common bond of marriage with their teammate for life.
Others may just want a chance to get off the bench. They hear others complaining about missing that elbow shot, or throwing brick after brick... and all they want at the moment is to get that ball in their hands and be given the opportunity to drive it to the basket. These are our friends who do not ovulate for one reason or another, whether it be temporary anovulation or POF or perimenopause. We may also add those whose husbands have a zero sperm count to this analogy.
Still others just want to FINALLY score a basket. Again, the ultimate goal is to win the game, but in order to win the game, these gals need to SCORE to put points on the board. These are the Infertiles. Those who have never conceived. We're on the team, we're in the game, but we may as well be running around the court with our hands in our pants like Jeffrey from "Everybody Loves Ray.mond" (ever see that episode?!) for as much as we're contributing.
And lastly, there are those who continue to lose the game, though they may score once, twice, three times, etc. It seems that every time they score a point and get the hope of winning the game, along comes the other team to score TWO baskets. These are the women who miscarry. No matter what they do, how hard they try, they just cannot stay ahead on the scoreboard.
All of us desire to move forward from our current position. If we're not on the team, we desperately want to be. If we're benchers, we just want our coach to believe in us and put us in the game. If we have never scored a basket, we just want to experience the joy of hearing that ball swish through the net and the crowd cheering behind us. And if we cannot win even one game, we try over and over again to improve our defense so that we can stay on top until the end of the game. (How ironic that a college basketball game lasts 40 minutes... like the 40 weeks of pregnancy.)
While we fight to get on the team, get in the game, score just one basket, and win the game, we all feel defeated, abandoned, unworthy, and alone.
All the while, we are seemingly surrounded by teams of 7-foot women who can jump 3 feet off the ground, can score a 3-point hook-shot from the corner with their eyes closed, and NEVER EVEN PRACTICE! These women may take their team for granted- not appreciating the fact that they have lifelong teammates who will always be at their side. These women may not appreciate the fact that they are starters whose butts have never known a splinter. They may often forget that they score with such ease it is nauseating. And what's worse? Once they win the championship game, they may skip out completely on the trophy ceremony.
Some may actually complain about how tired they are of being able to win game after game. Some may consider it a cross to bear, having so many championship trophies and no room on their shelf to display them. And some may do the unthinkable, and forfeit their title. Maybe even more than once.
My prayer for us all, which I will bring to the St. Gianna shrine tomorrow for her feast day, is that we are all able to get to the next step on our journey to the championship SOON. And that a trophy is in ALL of our futures.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Cycle Update and Hope Retreat
I was supposed to be coming home from NYC and my Intralipid infusion right now, but the pharmacy messed up and didn't ship my Intralipids to the Dr's office. So now my appointment is Monday.
I have two follicles (that's it?) this cycle, 1 on the right, 1 on the left. They are at 15 and 16 mms, and I am to do 2 more 50 iu injections and then trigger Sunday evening. BDing is to take place Monday and Tuesday as per the Dr's orders, and we may just do that. In the past I have not "waited" until after trigger, but have been practicing the "get as much sperm in good cm as humanly possible" self-devised protocol. Since that hasn't worked, maybe this time I'll try the RE's suggestion. Not like they have a lot of "natural BD" success, nor that they know anything about CM... but I'll still give it a whirl.
Last weekend was the Hope Retreat that a dear friend of mine helped to organize with another lovely young woman, both FertilityCare Practitioners. It was really a nice experience, though I did have a few suggestions of how to make it even better in the future. I would have loved to have a priest as one of the speakers, for example.
The best part of the day for me was when guest speaker N.eal Laza.no prayed over us individually as couples. He did so quietly so that the other couples in the room did not hear the prayers for the couple receiving the prayers. I was under the impression he was saying the same thing to everyone. That is, until it was our turn.
When we got up there, we told him our names and closed our eyes to receive the blessing. The other group facilitators were also there, with their hands over us - it was very much like our Sacrament of the Sick which we received at our Marriage Encounter weekend (did I ever post about that??)
Then he began to pray. He said RIGHT off the bat, "God, please bless TCIE and TCIE's DH (ok, he didn't say THAT, but you get the gist) in the area of their physical relationship especially. May they come together only in love and be able to leave behind all of the negative feelings they have come to associate with their lovemaking..." I'm paraphrasing, but seriously, it was as if he had read my diary, er, blog before giving us the blessing!! I was so taken aback I started to cry, and then he directed the prayers more towards me: "Please help TCIE, and may she know that IT IS OK TO HOPE. She has been so very disappointed in the past, and she may feel like there is no reason to hope any longer, so please come to her in a special way and bring her the hope she needs."
It is ok to hope.
Words I desperately needed to hear.
With all we are doing to try to bring a baby into our lives, it may seem to an outsider that we are full of hope. But that could not be further from the truth. The truth is, we have been beaten down to the point where we are empty. There is no hope, no light, no joy. I think the reason I'm working so hard now is so that when we are DONE done and living our childless lives (shudder), I can look back with no regrets. I won't need to wonder, what if we had tried that treatment, or that medication? What if we had seen that Dr?
The prospect of it all is pretty scary. But without hope, of course it's scary. When hope is alive and well, you know and believe in your heart that miracles can and do happen. When it's gone, you may feel safer, more realistic, and honest (with yourself). By taking away hope, you take away the lows of the fall... but you also take away the highs.
I am trying to allow this prayer for me to accept hope into my life again to work in me. I am asking St Gianna to help.
I was watching "City of Angels" last week, with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage (well, I wasn't watching it WITH them... that would have been cool, though), and a line in the beginning really hit home for me. The Meg Ryan character is a surgeon, and a patient had just died following one of her operations. She had done everything right. Everything. She was distraught at the fact that she had no control. (Gee, sound familiar?)
And she said to her friend the next day, "I realized that all this time, I thought I had the control. But I never did. I NEVER did. It was never in my hands. What do I do with that?"
Last cycle was a CLASSIC, textbook cycle. If you took the most fertile woman in the world and followed her with b/w and u/s during her cycle in which she conceived natural triplets, her cycle wouldn't have lit a candle to mine. It was THAT perfect.
And yet, it was never in my hands. The perfection of that cycle had NOTHING to do with what I was doing medically (well, ok, it was helped along by meds, but I had taken all those same meds before and had different results). And the failure of that cycle had NOTHING to do with anything I did.
I never had the control. I never did. It was never in my hands.
I can continue treatments in the hopes of correcting known, diagnosed issues that I have. I don't think that God is giving me the message to stop everything. Not yet. But He is CLEARLY giving me the message that, no matter what I do and no matter how wonderful a cycle is, it is going to be in HIS time, not mine, when I become a mother.
And isn't that the whole point of why we practicing Catholic IFers avoid IVF? So that we can invite God into our bedrooms and into our family by giving Him the ultimate say in how and when the three of us procreate a new life? I am embarrassed now to think of how I reacted last cycle when it failed. Sure, disappointment is a given, but I literally threw all hope out the window with that BFN. And in throwing that hope out, it's almost as if I was throwing God's "invitation" out, too.
Christopher West gives a great analogy in his purple book on Sex and Marriage about the way we invite God into our bedrooms being like an invitation to a wedding. I'll continue that analogy here in saying that when I abandon the HOPE that God can and does work miracles even in the crummiest of cycles, it's like not sending a family member a wedding invitation because you assume they can't/won't come anyway. Only to find out later, this family member loves you SO MUCH, they would have moved mountains to make sure they were there.
So with that, I am sticking my invitation to God back in the mail. I "HOPE" that in His time, He will respond.
I have two follicles (that's it?) this cycle, 1 on the right, 1 on the left. They are at 15 and 16 mms, and I am to do 2 more 50 iu injections and then trigger Sunday evening. BDing is to take place Monday and Tuesday as per the Dr's orders, and we may just do that. In the past I have not "waited" until after trigger, but have been practicing the "get as much sperm in good cm as humanly possible" self-devised protocol. Since that hasn't worked, maybe this time I'll try the RE's suggestion. Not like they have a lot of "natural BD" success, nor that they know anything about CM... but I'll still give it a whirl.
Last weekend was the Hope Retreat that a dear friend of mine helped to organize with another lovely young woman, both FertilityCare Practitioners. It was really a nice experience, though I did have a few suggestions of how to make it even better in the future. I would have loved to have a priest as one of the speakers, for example.
The best part of the day for me was when guest speaker N.eal Laza.no prayed over us individually as couples. He did so quietly so that the other couples in the room did not hear the prayers for the couple receiving the prayers. I was under the impression he was saying the same thing to everyone. That is, until it was our turn.
When we got up there, we told him our names and closed our eyes to receive the blessing. The other group facilitators were also there, with their hands over us - it was very much like our Sacrament of the Sick which we received at our Marriage Encounter weekend (did I ever post about that??)
Then he began to pray. He said RIGHT off the bat, "God, please bless TCIE and TCIE's DH (ok, he didn't say THAT, but you get the gist) in the area of their physical relationship especially. May they come together only in love and be able to leave behind all of the negative feelings they have come to associate with their lovemaking..." I'm paraphrasing, but seriously, it was as if he had read my diary, er, blog before giving us the blessing!! I was so taken aback I started to cry, and then he directed the prayers more towards me: "Please help TCIE, and may she know that IT IS OK TO HOPE. She has been so very disappointed in the past, and she may feel like there is no reason to hope any longer, so please come to her in a special way and bring her the hope she needs."
It is ok to hope.
Words I desperately needed to hear.
With all we are doing to try to bring a baby into our lives, it may seem to an outsider that we are full of hope. But that could not be further from the truth. The truth is, we have been beaten down to the point where we are empty. There is no hope, no light, no joy. I think the reason I'm working so hard now is so that when we are DONE done and living our childless lives (shudder), I can look back with no regrets. I won't need to wonder, what if we had tried that treatment, or that medication? What if we had seen that Dr?
The prospect of it all is pretty scary. But without hope, of course it's scary. When hope is alive and well, you know and believe in your heart that miracles can and do happen. When it's gone, you may feel safer, more realistic, and honest (with yourself). By taking away hope, you take away the lows of the fall... but you also take away the highs.
I am trying to allow this prayer for me to accept hope into my life again to work in me. I am asking St Gianna to help.
I was watching "City of Angels" last week, with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage (well, I wasn't watching it WITH them... that would have been cool, though), and a line in the beginning really hit home for me. The Meg Ryan character is a surgeon, and a patient had just died following one of her operations. She had done everything right. Everything. She was distraught at the fact that she had no control. (Gee, sound familiar?)
And she said to her friend the next day, "I realized that all this time, I thought I had the control. But I never did. I NEVER did. It was never in my hands. What do I do with that?"
Last cycle was a CLASSIC, textbook cycle. If you took the most fertile woman in the world and followed her with b/w and u/s during her cycle in which she conceived natural triplets, her cycle wouldn't have lit a candle to mine. It was THAT perfect.
And yet, it was never in my hands. The perfection of that cycle had NOTHING to do with what I was doing medically (well, ok, it was helped along by meds, but I had taken all those same meds before and had different results). And the failure of that cycle had NOTHING to do with anything I did.
I never had the control. I never did. It was never in my hands.
I can continue treatments in the hopes of correcting known, diagnosed issues that I have. I don't think that God is giving me the message to stop everything. Not yet. But He is CLEARLY giving me the message that, no matter what I do and no matter how wonderful a cycle is, it is going to be in HIS time, not mine, when I become a mother.
And isn't that the whole point of why we practicing Catholic IFers avoid IVF? So that we can invite God into our bedrooms and into our family by giving Him the ultimate say in how and when the three of us procreate a new life? I am embarrassed now to think of how I reacted last cycle when it failed. Sure, disappointment is a given, but I literally threw all hope out the window with that BFN. And in throwing that hope out, it's almost as if I was throwing God's "invitation" out, too.
Christopher West gives a great analogy in his purple book on Sex and Marriage about the way we invite God into our bedrooms being like an invitation to a wedding. I'll continue that analogy here in saying that when I abandon the HOPE that God can and does work miracles even in the crummiest of cycles, it's like not sending a family member a wedding invitation because you assume they can't/won't come anyway. Only to find out later, this family member loves you SO MUCH, they would have moved mountains to make sure they were there.
So with that, I am sticking my invitation to God back in the mail. I "HOPE" that in His time, He will respond.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Saint Gianna Novena
Please join me (and many others) in this beautiful novena to Saint Gianna Beretta Molla, to begin Tuesday April 20th and finish on her Feast Day of Wednesday, April 28th:
Novena To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta Molla
God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.
We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.
Glory be …
Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You.
We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.
Glory be…
God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You.
We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.
Glory be…
O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.
Hail Mary…
Novena To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta Molla
God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.
We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.
Glory be …
Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You.
We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.
Glory be…
God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You.
We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.
Glory be…
O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.
Hail Mary…
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
SO READY for St Gianna's Feast Day
Some of you have noticed I've been mia. Yup. That's what happens when I'm depressed, I rarely post.
I hate depressing posts. I feel like such a hypocrite when I only have sad and depressing posts full of anguish - I feel like I should re-name the blog "This Cross I Resent."
Speaking of the cross, I am starting to see just how powerful St. Gianna's intercession can be. I may have doubted at one time that she took me up on my offer last year, but now? It's pretty hard to deny when you lay out all the facts. I'm still praying AWFULLY hard for those of you who have yet to be blessed through pregnancy, adoption, or foster care... but I am ready to hand in my cross.
On the 28th, I will be attending the same Feast Day Mass where, last year, I asked St Gianna to allow me to carry the cross for my friends if they could become mothers before me. (Silly me, I thought that translated to, "I'll carry the cross LONGER," but not "I'll carry a HEAVIER cross." Turns out when you add several crosses to your own, it does indeed get heavier.)
I am on CD 2 today, and yesterday before I began to bleed I was on the verge of tears in my NaPro Dr's office. She was doing a pH test of my hoo-ha (which, by the way, was perfect), and asking how I was doing, and I lost it. She recommended I take a break with just the "bare minimum" meds to keep me healthy and sustain any pregnancies. We narrowed it down to Metformin, Naltrexone, and post-Peak prometrium. Although I know that I wouldn't be able to implant OR sustain a pregnancy without all the other things I'm taking, so it's almost silly to take the prometrium. (My NaPro Dr said she's "not convinced" I need all of those things in order to implant. I'm torn.)
But Dr Steg.man feels like my last cycle was so good, I should stick with that protocol for a couple more cycles at least. Yesterday, I was ready to give up. Today, I'm back in the saddle and ready to start injecting myself again tomorrow night.
So onward and forward to another Follistim/Intralipids/Lovenox/prednisone cycle.
Ironically, I will be ovulating around the time of St Gianna's Feast Day.
But I've learned NOT to make any assumptions. Not when it comes to me and my dysfunctional body.
Thanks to everyone for the comments on my meltdown post. I'm trying so hard to not let this destroy me, but knowing that "the end" is in sight is just so scary. 2 more cycles. That's it. And then? Nothing. No adoption. No foster care. Just living without kids.
The thing is, it's not the living without kids that freaks me out the most. It's the living without trying to GET kids. I don't know how to NOT try. It will be interesting.
And, I fear, depressing.
:(
I hate depressing posts. I feel like such a hypocrite when I only have sad and depressing posts full of anguish - I feel like I should re-name the blog "This Cross I Resent."
Speaking of the cross, I am starting to see just how powerful St. Gianna's intercession can be. I may have doubted at one time that she took me up on my offer last year, but now? It's pretty hard to deny when you lay out all the facts. I'm still praying AWFULLY hard for those of you who have yet to be blessed through pregnancy, adoption, or foster care... but I am ready to hand in my cross.
On the 28th, I will be attending the same Feast Day Mass where, last year, I asked St Gianna to allow me to carry the cross for my friends if they could become mothers before me. (Silly me, I thought that translated to, "I'll carry the cross LONGER," but not "I'll carry a HEAVIER cross." Turns out when you add several crosses to your own, it does indeed get heavier.)
I am on CD 2 today, and yesterday before I began to bleed I was on the verge of tears in my NaPro Dr's office. She was doing a pH test of my hoo-ha (which, by the way, was perfect), and asking how I was doing, and I lost it. She recommended I take a break with just the "bare minimum" meds to keep me healthy and sustain any pregnancies. We narrowed it down to Metformin, Naltrexone, and post-Peak prometrium. Although I know that I wouldn't be able to implant OR sustain a pregnancy without all the other things I'm taking, so it's almost silly to take the prometrium. (My NaPro Dr said she's "not convinced" I need all of those things in order to implant. I'm torn.)
But Dr Steg.man feels like my last cycle was so good, I should stick with that protocol for a couple more cycles at least. Yesterday, I was ready to give up. Today, I'm back in the saddle and ready to start injecting myself again tomorrow night.
So onward and forward to another Follistim/Intralipids/Lovenox/prednisone cycle.
Ironically, I will be ovulating around the time of St Gianna's Feast Day.
But I've learned NOT to make any assumptions. Not when it comes to me and my dysfunctional body.
Thanks to everyone for the comments on my meltdown post. I'm trying so hard to not let this destroy me, but knowing that "the end" is in sight is just so scary. 2 more cycles. That's it. And then? Nothing. No adoption. No foster care. Just living without kids.
The thing is, it's not the living without kids that freaks me out the most. It's the living without trying to GET kids. I don't know how to NOT try. It will be interesting.
And, I fear, depressing.
:(
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Total Meltdown
Wow, I did not expect this.
I thought with Easter, I was in a new, refreshed, re-charged place. I thought all the pain of 2010 and of Lent had passed me, only to have made me stronger.
But I have had a complete and total meltdown.
I suppose it started with my 168th BFN. I am having a very, very difficult time accepting the fact that not only is everyone else of normal fertility around me "allowed" to become pregnant, but now it's very nearly every single person I know with infertility, too. Some blessed by adoption. Others with pregnancy. Still others, both. And all the while God continues to pass me over, to bless those who are already blessed.
Yes, I'm a sinner. Yes, I'm suffering jealousy, anger, bitterness, even hatred towards myself and my body, and my husband. (Yes, I've been taking this out on my husband, and we've had a gigantic fight which left me crying myself to sleep and going to church by myself today without my wedding rings.)
I just want to understand why. Why do I feel like I am in hell when supposedly my "Resurrection" was so near? WHY NOT ME??? Am I so much a sinner that You have seen it fit to divinely intervene and sterilize me, as well as make it impossible to become a mother in ANY OTHER MANNER???
Two of my infertility clients are pregnant, one of whom came to me after 2 failed IVFs. She just had her surgery with Dr S. The other has been treated solely by my NaPro Dr (not surgeon). While I am honestly thrilled with this news and how these women will continue to spread the good news of Creighton and NaPro, I must also admit that it is driving me insane. All of the pregnancy announcements on these blogs have likewise made me stop in my tracks and PRAISE the good name of the Lord for answering all of these prayers.
But why am I still here?? Forgotten and abandoned, watching other infertiles grow their families as my life is destroyed before my very eyes?
I cannot get pregnant. I cannot adopt. I cannot foster.
And I shouldn't be concerned about how I'll be in heaven with no children... because the way I have been behaving, I will surely not be there myself.
Deliver me of this, O Lord. On this Divine Mercy Sunday, please show unto me Your Divine Mercy - - have mercy on me, a sinner, and deliver me from this torturous suffering. I cannot survive it any longer.
I thought with Easter, I was in a new, refreshed, re-charged place. I thought all the pain of 2010 and of Lent had passed me, only to have made me stronger.
But I have had a complete and total meltdown.
I suppose it started with my 168th BFN. I am having a very, very difficult time accepting the fact that not only is everyone else of normal fertility around me "allowed" to become pregnant, but now it's very nearly every single person I know with infertility, too. Some blessed by adoption. Others with pregnancy. Still others, both. And all the while God continues to pass me over, to bless those who are already blessed.
Yes, I'm a sinner. Yes, I'm suffering jealousy, anger, bitterness, even hatred towards myself and my body, and my husband. (Yes, I've been taking this out on my husband, and we've had a gigantic fight which left me crying myself to sleep and going to church by myself today without my wedding rings.)
I just want to understand why. Why do I feel like I am in hell when supposedly my "Resurrection" was so near? WHY NOT ME??? Am I so much a sinner that You have seen it fit to divinely intervene and sterilize me, as well as make it impossible to become a mother in ANY OTHER MANNER???
Two of my infertility clients are pregnant, one of whom came to me after 2 failed IVFs. She just had her surgery with Dr S. The other has been treated solely by my NaPro Dr (not surgeon). While I am honestly thrilled with this news and how these women will continue to spread the good news of Creighton and NaPro, I must also admit that it is driving me insane. All of the pregnancy announcements on these blogs have likewise made me stop in my tracks and PRAISE the good name of the Lord for answering all of these prayers.
But why am I still here?? Forgotten and abandoned, watching other infertiles grow their families as my life is destroyed before my very eyes?
I cannot get pregnant. I cannot adopt. I cannot foster.
And I shouldn't be concerned about how I'll be in heaven with no children... because the way I have been behaving, I will surely not be there myself.
Deliver me of this, O Lord. On this Divine Mercy Sunday, please show unto me Your Divine Mercy - - have mercy on me, a sinner, and deliver me from this torturous suffering. I cannot survive it any longer.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
St. Therese's flower, progesterone, benadryl, and a big SURPRISE!
Well, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am used to receiving signs from heaven - little reminders that the angels and Saints are looking out for me :) I have not prayed a Novena to St Therese in a while, but the last time I did, I did not receive my signature "flower" sign right away. I had a feeling that when my prayer was going to be answered, she would let me know right beforehand with that sign.
Yesterday at work, a colleague told me, "Oh, you should go to the florist down the road after work, they are giving away a free rose to anyone whose name is '{my name}!" With a big surprise (to be revealed at the end of this post) coming later that evening, I didn't really have leisure time to go swing by the florist... but I made a point to because I KNEW this was St. Therese telling me she's got my back :)
I got a beautiful pink/orange rose!
In other news, my P+7 results came back from yesterday, and my estradiol was 500-something and my progesterone was 66. I am very happy with these. Last time my progesterone was in the 50s and I had taken prometrium the night before AND endometrin that morning. This time I skipped the endometrin in the morning. Also, my estradiol last time was 3,258- INSANE!! This is much better (still high, but it's been higher on Femara). I am very happy with how this cycle is panning out.
I decided to also take Benadryl around the time of implantation, at the request of a good friend from the C.atholic y.ahoo group. Apparently it works by blocking the histone receptors, and is helpful for those with immune-related infertility issues/implantation issues.
And now for the big SURPRISE!!!
Meet the newest addition to our family:
Cooper "Vinnie" S!!:
(I was going to entitle this post "Screw you,, I adopted!!!!!" but then thought better.)
... And I don't care what anyone says, when he is a 65-lb pitbull I am still going to carry him around like this:
Who needs a baby when I can have sleepless nights with an un-housebroken puppy??
:)
Yesterday at work, a colleague told me, "Oh, you should go to the florist down the road after work, they are giving away a free rose to anyone whose name is '{my name}!" With a big surprise (to be revealed at the end of this post) coming later that evening, I didn't really have leisure time to go swing by the florist... but I made a point to because I KNEW this was St. Therese telling me she's got my back :)
I got a beautiful pink/orange rose!
In other news, my P+7 results came back from yesterday, and my estradiol was 500-something and my progesterone was 66. I am very happy with these. Last time my progesterone was in the 50s and I had taken prometrium the night before AND endometrin that morning. This time I skipped the endometrin in the morning. Also, my estradiol last time was 3,258- INSANE!! This is much better (still high, but it's been higher on Femara). I am very happy with how this cycle is panning out.
I decided to also take Benadryl around the time of implantation, at the request of a good friend from the C.atholic y.ahoo group. Apparently it works by blocking the histone receptors, and is helpful for those with immune-related infertility issues/implantation issues.
And now for the big SURPRISE!!!
Meet the newest addition to our family:
Cooper "Vinnie" S!!:
(I was going to entitle this post "Screw you,
... And I don't care what anyone says, when he is a 65-lb pitbull I am still going to carry him around like this:
Who needs a baby when I can have sleepless nights with an un-housebroken puppy??
:)
Monday, April 5, 2010
"I had a sense that God will 'deliver' (literally!)... and I know her Easter will come."
If I had ever doubted Shannon (from "A Friend of Gianna")'s closeness to our Lord before, I certainly never will again. As my prayer buddy this Lent, I believe her prayers went directly to God's sacred heart and worked miracles in my life. One in particular.
I have received what I thought were "signs" in the past. A hawk (messenger of good news) flying by when I believe myself forgotten and abandoned. A rainbow when all seems dark and hopeless. Flowers from St. Therese after praying her novena. These are not new to me.
But I have never received what I believed to be a message from God. I've never heard His voice. I've never felt Him speaking to me. When I am in the presence of the Eucharist, or when venerating holy relics, my mind goes blank and I find it difficult to even pray. I remember last year at the St. Gianna Mass, I prayed fervently from the pew, but the minute it was my turn to hold the gloves, all the prayers shot right out of my head! I put the gloves down, walked away, and went "DOH!" What a missed opportunity to offer up intentions!!
All of that changed on Good Friday. While at the 3:00pm service with my husband, I received what I positively believe now to be a message from God... delivered from none other than my Prayer Buddy, Shannon. After receiving Communion, offering intentions for MY Prayer Buddy (Grace in my Heart), I went back to my pew and contemplated Jesus' crucifixion. I began to get emotional, and those tears quickly turned to tears of joy at the thought of what was coming oh-so soon. Jesus' TRIUMPH over death! His Resurrection! I was in awe of this thought when suddenly my mind went blank, and I heard my own inner voice say these words:
"Your Easter is coming. Can't you feel it?"
Just at that moment, I felt a rush of God's peace, so strong, so tangible, it seemed to fill me from the inside out, instead of coming from the outside in. I felt, for a brief moment, "I'm pregnant." But that thought quickly turned to, "It doesn't matter if I'm pregnant or not right now... God will deliver me from this all, and it will be soon."
As I told Shannon in my recent email to her, I wish I could have bottled up that feeling of peace and kept it with me at all times. It was wonderful. But shortly after leaving church, my human doubt began to taint it. Was this message really from God? Or was it my own wishful thinking?
But of all things to "hear," why those words? Why not- "You'll be a mother soon," or "Your pain will be over shortly"? The message was not JUST about the end of suffering, but about an Eastertide. The Resurrection is so much more than the end of suffering, after all. And furthermore, the message included the words, "Can't you feel it?" as if to show me in a tangible way how the prayers of my prayer buddy were working in my life. Accompanied by the FEELING of peace gave me reason to tell my husband in the car outside of church, "I think we are going to be parents soon." He said he felt a similar feeling during Communion.
Well, when I read Shannon's blog this morning, I nearly fell off my chair. Along with some amazing compliments that I am hardly worthy of, she wrote:
"In that time, however, I also felt deep, abiding, trusting hope. I had a sense that God will "deliver" (literally!) and that she will have a baby in her arms in His most perfect time. Nothing is impossible for God and I know her Easter will come."
Wow. Just wow.
Shannon, you have been my strength during some of the hardest moments of my life. I know your prayers were joined by so many others of my readers, friends, and family and I want to thank you ALL for praying for me and lifting me up to a place where I no longer feel pain. I am truly blessed.
I have received what I thought were "signs" in the past. A hawk (messenger of good news) flying by when I believe myself forgotten and abandoned. A rainbow when all seems dark and hopeless. Flowers from St. Therese after praying her novena. These are not new to me.
But I have never received what I believed to be a message from God. I've never heard His voice. I've never felt Him speaking to me. When I am in the presence of the Eucharist, or when venerating holy relics, my mind goes blank and I find it difficult to even pray. I remember last year at the St. Gianna Mass, I prayed fervently from the pew, but the minute it was my turn to hold the gloves, all the prayers shot right out of my head! I put the gloves down, walked away, and went "DOH!" What a missed opportunity to offer up intentions!!
All of that changed on Good Friday. While at the 3:00pm service with my husband, I received what I positively believe now to be a message from God... delivered from none other than my Prayer Buddy, Shannon. After receiving Communion, offering intentions for MY Prayer Buddy (Grace in my Heart), I went back to my pew and contemplated Jesus' crucifixion. I began to get emotional, and those tears quickly turned to tears of joy at the thought of what was coming oh-so soon. Jesus' TRIUMPH over death! His Resurrection! I was in awe of this thought when suddenly my mind went blank, and I heard my own inner voice say these words:
"Your Easter is coming. Can't you feel it?"
Just at that moment, I felt a rush of God's peace, so strong, so tangible, it seemed to fill me from the inside out, instead of coming from the outside in. I felt, for a brief moment, "I'm pregnant." But that thought quickly turned to, "It doesn't matter if I'm pregnant or not right now... God will deliver me from this all, and it will be soon."
As I told Shannon in my recent email to her, I wish I could have bottled up that feeling of peace and kept it with me at all times. It was wonderful. But shortly after leaving church, my human doubt began to taint it. Was this message really from God? Or was it my own wishful thinking?
But of all things to "hear," why those words? Why not- "You'll be a mother soon," or "Your pain will be over shortly"? The message was not JUST about the end of suffering, but about an Eastertide. The Resurrection is so much more than the end of suffering, after all. And furthermore, the message included the words, "Can't you feel it?" as if to show me in a tangible way how the prayers of my prayer buddy were working in my life. Accompanied by the FEELING of peace gave me reason to tell my husband in the car outside of church, "I think we are going to be parents soon." He said he felt a similar feeling during Communion.
Well, when I read Shannon's blog this morning, I nearly fell off my chair. Along with some amazing compliments that I am hardly worthy of, she wrote:
"In that time, however, I also felt deep, abiding, trusting hope. I had a sense that God will "deliver" (literally!) and that she will have a baby in her arms in His most perfect time. Nothing is impossible for God and I know her Easter will come."
Wow. Just wow.
Shannon, you have been my strength during some of the hardest moments of my life. I know your prayers were joined by so many others of my readers, friends, and family and I want to thank you ALL for praying for me and lifting me up to a place where I no longer feel pain. I am truly blessed.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Happy Easter!! (And Prayer Buddy Revealed)
Happy Easter everyone! May we all feel the joy and peace of the risen Lord today and throughout the year!
As promised, my Lenten Prayer Buddy will be revealed today. I must say that when I was given her name, I truly felt that the Holy Spirit was calling me to step into her life and into her heart, and to envelope her with prayer throughout Lent. I think this woman is tremendous - one of the most powerful witnesses to our faith and to the teachings of our Church that I have ever "met" on these blogs. Unfortunately, I have never met her in real life, but I do hope that someday I will be given that opportunity.
Praying for her during Lent was my honor, but not always easy. In the first few weeks of Lent, me and my husband were met with a lot of resistance to our prayer life, and I know the devil was trying to keep me from my prayers. There were some days I just couldn't do it. And that's when I enlisted "substitutes!" So, my mother stepped up to the plate, and in my inability to pray, she prayed.
When I was re-strengthened, I came back full force and I felt particularly called to say a daily rosary for this woman and for her family. Aside from the daily rosary, I entered her name in our book of intentions, lit candles, and offered prayers directly to Jesus at the moment of Communion during Masses. Finally, with the death of my dog on 3/17, I offered my suffering for her intentions.
Specifically, I prayed that her family would continue to be blessed through the miracle of adoption, that she would continue to be the amazing Catholic mother she is today, and that all of her children, present and future, will grow up to be happy, healthy, and holy.
L, "Grace in My Heart," it was a privilege to pray for you throughout these past 40 days!! Thank you for being such an inspiration to me personally and to all who read your blog.
God Bless you, G, and little E now and always!
As promised, my Lenten Prayer Buddy will be revealed today. I must say that when I was given her name, I truly felt that the Holy Spirit was calling me to step into her life and into her heart, and to envelope her with prayer throughout Lent. I think this woman is tremendous - one of the most powerful witnesses to our faith and to the teachings of our Church that I have ever "met" on these blogs. Unfortunately, I have never met her in real life, but I do hope that someday I will be given that opportunity.
Praying for her during Lent was my honor, but not always easy. In the first few weeks of Lent, me and my husband were met with a lot of resistance to our prayer life, and I know the devil was trying to keep me from my prayers. There were some days I just couldn't do it. And that's when I enlisted "substitutes!" So, my mother stepped up to the plate, and in my inability to pray, she prayed.
When I was re-strengthened, I came back full force and I felt particularly called to say a daily rosary for this woman and for her family. Aside from the daily rosary, I entered her name in our book of intentions, lit candles, and offered prayers directly to Jesus at the moment of Communion during Masses. Finally, with the death of my dog on 3/17, I offered my suffering for her intentions.
Specifically, I prayed that her family would continue to be blessed through the miracle of adoption, that she would continue to be the amazing Catholic mother she is today, and that all of her children, present and future, will grow up to be happy, healthy, and holy.
L, "Grace in My Heart," it was a privilege to pray for you throughout these past 40 days!! Thank you for being such an inspiration to me personally and to all who read your blog.
God Bless you, G, and little E now and always!
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