I am afraid to say that I am at the lowest point of my life. I'm afraid to say it because I am deathly fearful of it getting any worse, and with the way things have been going, that is a strong likelihood. I thought I was "broken and defeated" back in June, and now I would give anything to be back there.
This evening we went to an informational meeting for Foster Care. I wanted to learn more about it, even though we would not be able to pursue this avenue until September at the earliest (I would want to stay home with the children, and my school program will require me to work 4 full days per week in my last semester. Right now I'm doing 3 full days.) In retrospect, it was probably the dumbest thing I could have done right now... we are dealing with a LOT, and right now we would risk blowing our future chances even with fostering. But something inside me was driving me to go, to start the process. With everything happening, I desperately need SOMETHING good to work towards. It doesn't even have to be something that materializes into good right now, but I need to know that it WILL END IN GOOD, and put my effort and my hope in that project. The fertility stuff? Well we all know that is going nowhere fast. The adoption? Done. Nada. Not gonna happen. We were hoping to start negotiating for a house (long story, but there is a house that my FIL has $$ in with a friend, but the friend ran out of $$ and now it has just been sitting there for years, just a frame and a roof) - but the friend is being stubborn about how much she wants for it, and also about paying FIL back the $$ he's owed). So, the house likely is not going to happen anytime soon, either.
So we are stuck in this apartment, attached to my in-laws' house, and circumstantially, (this is really the least of our problems, but just one more blow), we won't be able to be approved to foster while in this apartment because my in-laws' pool is not fenced in. Rather, they have a fence that surrounds the entire backyard... but our back doors open right into the patio and the pool is merely 10 steps away.
Another issue that arose in my mind while at the meeting was how to handle religion with a foster child. If we do a foster-to-adopt program, the woman was saying that unfortunately they are experiencing a lot of problems with the legal finalization process (time-wise), and that it is taking up to 2 years to even get court dates set for adoptions through the system. In the meantime, that means the parental rights are NOT terminated... and that means taking the children to church whom we very well may be adopting in the future may be out of the question... baptizing certainly would be, as would CCD classes. So, for argument's sake, let's say we get a 1st grader for placement, he is likely going to be eligible for adoption, we raise him for a year or so and then he is made eligible for adoption. In the meantime, we were not allowed to enroll him in his first reconciliation classes, nor First Communion, and by the time the adoption is finalized/legalized, he may be in 4th/5th grade. Not only would he be way behind his peers at that point, but we would have "our child" in our home and not even be able to raise him in the faith that we hold so close to our hearts and souls. This just bothers me. A lot.
But that's not the only thing that bothers me about foster care. The biggest issue I am having right now is an internal one. An issue of motives. I am truly struggling right now with why I am exploring this avenue of foster care to begin with. In many ways, I feel like I am only doing this because my womb has been shut and the adoption door was slammed and locked. Am I just trying to "cheat" God? Is this my way of saying to Him, "Oh yeah? I'll get a child come hell or highwater, just You wait and see!" Or am I being lead to this?
With adoption, it was much, much different. Infertility was NOT what lead me to begin the adoption process. I felt the call to adopt from an early age, more poignantly in my early 20's. If I could have, I would have started right away when we got married, but agencies required us to be married for at least two years. Point being: adoption was a CLEAR calling. And I resented when I saw many other couples, specifically on television, pursue adoption as a "Plan B" to parenthood, when they did not have the true heart or a calling for it. (Note: I do not mean any of you bloggers when I say this. I'm thinking more of the couples who view children as a "right," and none of you fit that description. Furthermore, having read all of your blogs, I have seen just what adoption has meant to each and every one of you who are pursuing that road/ or have become adoptive parents.)
The thought continually crosses my mind, Am I now becoming one of THOSE people? The people who just follow a course of action to get what they ultimately want in the end, but not because they truly feel that is what they were CALLED to do? Foster Care is a calling, as well, and I have had the amazing privilege of watching others, such as Sew Infertile, receive and pursue that calling. Am I cheating her, and others like her, by going through the motions of this when I'm not sure if it's a calling or not?
Or is this God's way of calling me to Foster Care? Is it that He knew all along the only way I would even explore this possibility would be if every single other path was closed to me? Was it because God knew how motivated I was to meet MY goals, that He had to bring me to the absolute lowest point in order for me to see the beauty of Foster Care? And additionally, is this His way of making me think about myself LAST, and putting these broken children FIRST? Because, to me anyway, that is what Foster Care is all about- not finding the perfect child FOR ME. But helping to heal these children and their families, being a beacon of light for THEM through THEIR struggle, even if only briefly.
One thing that I took from tonight's meeting was clear, however. I cannot emotionally take on Foster Care at this time. When the presenter spoke about what the Home Study process was all about, she concluded with the statement, "We want to make sure that you both are going to provide the child with a STABLE home environment, because we are taking these children from very traumatic homes and the last thing we want to do is place them from 1 traumatic home into another." Right now, we are far from stable. We are broken in millions of pieces. We need healing in so, so many ways.
But I will continue to pray about this. Maybe in the future when we are stronger, we will be able to do this. I do think it is an absolutely beautiful thing, and one that I never in a million years thought I would have the strength to do. But I'm sure if this is what God intended for us, He will help us to make it happen. And if not? Then this door, too, shall shut.
A very scary thought came to me this evening as we were driving to the meeting. I had a strong feeling that the devil has been working against us, and anyone who knows just what has been happening (which is only about 5 people) would agree. If the devil truly is working against us, how am I to win? I feel absolutely powerless against the devil. Yes, I have God in my life, but I am not God. I feel like this is a battle I can never win...
Like I said, I have a lot of praying to do about this, and a lot of thinking. I really don't know which way to turn anymore, and my worst fear is that it can still get worse (though it is unfathomable at this point). I am in a very deep depression, one that my home is reflecting. If you walked into my home, you'd think you walked into a crackhouse. I kid you not. It is disgusting. But that's a post for another day. Better yet, I'll just ignore that altogether, just as I've been doing.
I need help.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Infertility is My Cross
I know, I'm blogging on a Friday during Lent, but these thoughts have been on my mind for a while and I wanted to get them down in writing.
It may come as no big shock to all of you that my cross (as in this "cross I embrace") is my infertility. But as this week began a 40-day period of reflection and spiritual journey, I really began to try to isolate the part of my life that is my true cross at this moment.
As you are aware, many things have been happening in my life lately. Many bad, bad things. This began last June and has become worse and worse, to the point where now we will not be able to adopt with our former adoption agency, and we most likely will never be able to adopt period. We still have a chance to foster, and we are looking into that now, but all of these horrible developments have left my husband and I at our wits end with no idea of which way is up. We have felt trampled, beaten, betrayed, forsaken. It is truly the worst time of my life.
And yet? The events that have taken place may indeed feel like we are being crucified, but they do not feel like my true cross. Instead, whenever I ponder these things, my thoughts constantly come back to, "Infertility is My Cross."
Why is that? Never being able to adopt is a pain I feel MUCH more immensely than the pain associated with infertility. The events that have transpired to lead up to last June and then this most recent occurence were much, much more difficult to handle than my infertility ever was.
But it becomes apparent, with each trial and tribulation that comes our way, it is ten-fold only because of our true cross: our infertility. We would be storming this weather no matter what else was going on in our lives at the moment- we probably would not have ever been able to avoid these things from happening. But because we are infertile, we don't have that strength of hope to get us through. We don't have that child to hold tight and count our blessings that "at least we have our family." And since we have never conceived, the worst part of it all is that we cannot even (at this time) look forward to heaven, because we just cannot envision heaven. We realize of course that heaven is void of any suffering, but I just cannot fathom being in heaven without children, because we were never able to conceive one with the help of God.
It makes for a very lonely and absolutely helpless place.
But there is another reason why I came to the conclusion that it is the infertility, above any other suffering in my life, that is indeed my true cross in this world. And that is because it is my infertility which I can truly embrace, and turn into good.
Yes, the underlying source of my greatest heartache is also my greatest blessing from God. So far, I have been able to use it to become a FertilityCare Practitioner, become a NaPro Technology Ultrasonographer (soon), reach out to others in need via this blog, the Diocesan Support Group, and even in the most random places... like Marriage Encounter. That's right- we met a couple experiencing some fertility problems at our Marriage Encounter, and had WE not been infertile at the time, we never would have said a word about our struggle. As it turned out, we did say something along the lines of "we've been trying for a while..." when this amazing young couple overheard us and responded that they, too, had been facing problems. Not only that, but they live locally and had never heard of NaPro or Creighton, so I was able to introduce them to it.
I do not question my infertility. Ok. MOST of the time I don't question my infertility. I can see just how God intended for me to use it, even before I started this blog. It has been an amazing experience for me to see other twists and turns along the journey, and be able to say, "Ohhhh! This makes sense! God BLESS my infertility!" (Yes, I've actually prayed that thought in my head, believe it or not. Never on CD 1, though... !)
It is these other hardships, which don't make any logical sense to me, that I constantly question. I have asked time and time again for God to let this cup pass me by (my "crucifixion"), but at the same time, I have tried my best to not only accept but embrace my cross of infertility. I'll embrace it until the cows come home... I'm just not so fond of being nailed upon it.
And I am nailed upon it now. I can imagine no greater suffering than what my husband and I are currently going through. And at the core of it all is the cross of our infertility.
While I cannot explain why, or how, or when we would ever be delivered of this (or whether that time will come in this world or the next), I do hope that like Christ, my cross can remain the symbol of my love for God and for others. That I may never shun my cross but continue to embrace it readily. And not because I understand it completely, either. But because I have been asked to. Who am I to expect a rational explanation of my suffering, after all? I hope that for the rest of my life I can use the symbol of my cross to bring hope to others who walk this journey.
For my prayer buddy this Lent, I will try my very best to offer the suffering I am going through at this time for her intentions. It always, always helps me to have a greater purpose in mind when I suffer, and I can think of no better way to sacrifice for this amazing woman whom I admire SOOOOO much.
May God bring you all a spiritual renewal with this Lenten season, and the peace of Christ.
It may come as no big shock to all of you that my cross (as in this "cross I embrace") is my infertility. But as this week began a 40-day period of reflection and spiritual journey, I really began to try to isolate the part of my life that is my true cross at this moment.
As you are aware, many things have been happening in my life lately. Many bad, bad things. This began last June and has become worse and worse, to the point where now we will not be able to adopt with our former adoption agency, and we most likely will never be able to adopt period. We still have a chance to foster, and we are looking into that now, but all of these horrible developments have left my husband and I at our wits end with no idea of which way is up. We have felt trampled, beaten, betrayed, forsaken. It is truly the worst time of my life.
And yet? The events that have taken place may indeed feel like we are being crucified, but they do not feel like my true cross. Instead, whenever I ponder these things, my thoughts constantly come back to, "Infertility is My Cross."
Why is that? Never being able to adopt is a pain I feel MUCH more immensely than the pain associated with infertility. The events that have transpired to lead up to last June and then this most recent occurence were much, much more difficult to handle than my infertility ever was.
But it becomes apparent, with each trial and tribulation that comes our way, it is ten-fold only because of our true cross: our infertility. We would be storming this weather no matter what else was going on in our lives at the moment- we probably would not have ever been able to avoid these things from happening. But because we are infertile, we don't have that strength of hope to get us through. We don't have that child to hold tight and count our blessings that "at least we have our family." And since we have never conceived, the worst part of it all is that we cannot even (at this time) look forward to heaven, because we just cannot envision heaven. We realize of course that heaven is void of any suffering, but I just cannot fathom being in heaven without children, because we were never able to conceive one with the help of God.
It makes for a very lonely and absolutely helpless place.
But there is another reason why I came to the conclusion that it is the infertility, above any other suffering in my life, that is indeed my true cross in this world. And that is because it is my infertility which I can truly embrace, and turn into good.
Yes, the underlying source of my greatest heartache is also my greatest blessing from God. So far, I have been able to use it to become a FertilityCare Practitioner, become a NaPro Technology Ultrasonographer (soon), reach out to others in need via this blog, the Diocesan Support Group, and even in the most random places... like Marriage Encounter. That's right- we met a couple experiencing some fertility problems at our Marriage Encounter, and had WE not been infertile at the time, we never would have said a word about our struggle. As it turned out, we did say something along the lines of "we've been trying for a while..." when this amazing young couple overheard us and responded that they, too, had been facing problems. Not only that, but they live locally and had never heard of NaPro or Creighton, so I was able to introduce them to it.
I do not question my infertility. Ok. MOST of the time I don't question my infertility. I can see just how God intended for me to use it, even before I started this blog. It has been an amazing experience for me to see other twists and turns along the journey, and be able to say, "Ohhhh! This makes sense! God BLESS my infertility!" (Yes, I've actually prayed that thought in my head, believe it or not. Never on CD 1, though... !)
It is these other hardships, which don't make any logical sense to me, that I constantly question. I have asked time and time again for God to let this cup pass me by (my "crucifixion"), but at the same time, I have tried my best to not only accept but embrace my cross of infertility. I'll embrace it until the cows come home... I'm just not so fond of being nailed upon it.
And I am nailed upon it now. I can imagine no greater suffering than what my husband and I are currently going through. And at the core of it all is the cross of our infertility.
While I cannot explain why, or how, or when we would ever be delivered of this (or whether that time will come in this world or the next), I do hope that like Christ, my cross can remain the symbol of my love for God and for others. That I may never shun my cross but continue to embrace it readily. And not because I understand it completely, either. But because I have been asked to. Who am I to expect a rational explanation of my suffering, after all? I hope that for the rest of my life I can use the symbol of my cross to bring hope to others who walk this journey.
For my prayer buddy this Lent, I will try my very best to offer the suffering I am going through at this time for her intentions. It always, always helps me to have a greater purpose in mind when I suffer, and I can think of no better way to sacrifice for this amazing woman whom I admire SOOOOO much.
May God bring you all a spiritual renewal with this Lenten season, and the peace of Christ.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Check your Emails, Lent Begins WEDNESDAY!
If you signed up for Lent Prayer Buddies, please check your email so that you are set to begin praying on Ash Wednesday (tomorrow).
If you did not sign up but want to participate, you can comment here and if there's more than 1 person, we can accomodate you (but it most likely won't be a surprise who's praying for you).
If you signed up and did NOT receive an email, please also comment here. Sew is out-of-commission through Wednesday (and her Prayer Buddy better start early!), so please contact me or Joy Beyond the Cross with any questions you may have.
My next post will be an actual update on what's going on... though I have to admit, it's kinda been nice to have this Prayer Buddy thing to "hide" behind in all the mess my life has become lately. My Prayer Buddy's got her work cut out for her... no joke.
If you did not sign up but want to participate, you can comment here and if there's more than 1 person, we can accomodate you (but it most likely won't be a surprise who's praying for you).
If you signed up and did NOT receive an email, please also comment here. Sew is out-of-commission through Wednesday (and her Prayer Buddy better start early!), so please contact me or Joy Beyond the Cross with any questions you may have.
My next post will be an actual update on what's going on... though I have to admit, it's kinda been nice to have this Prayer Buddy thing to "hide" behind in all the mess my life has become lately. My Prayer Buddy's got her work cut out for her... no joke.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Lent Prayer Buddies
Please go to:
Sew Infertile's Blog
and sign up to become a Lenten Prayer Buddy! For 40 days, we will pray for another blogger- this has proven very successful in the past, and I hope all of you will participate! All you need to do is a) have a blog (we want to "know" who we are praying for), and b) leave a comment on Sew's blog by Saturday evening.
Lent begins next Wednesday, Feb 17th.
Sew Infertile's Blog
and sign up to become a Lenten Prayer Buddy! For 40 days, we will pray for another blogger- this has proven very successful in the past, and I hope all of you will participate! All you need to do is a) have a blog (we want to "know" who we are praying for), and b) leave a comment on Sew's blog by Saturday evening.
Lent begins next Wednesday, Feb 17th.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Rejuvenating
I feel like... wait, wait, wait... gotta find some wood and knock on it before I say this... ok...
I feel like I'm on the SLOW climb back up out of the muck-filled trenches. Or rather, I'm being carried (like that poem "Footsteps"). I only hope this continues, because if I slip back down, I'm just going to set up camp and get nice and cozy in my muck.
It began with a wonderful, albeit quick trip to visit FJIEJ, LH, and Sew, and most importantly (sorry girls) baby L and FJIEJ's unborn baby :) Holding that dear, sweet, precious baby (the former, not the latter) just filled my soul with joy. I am ever grateful to LH (who is a FANTASTIC new mommy, by the way) for letting me hoard her child for so long. It was just what the Dr ordered- some good ol' baby-lovin'!
The 4 of us also had some great conversation, which additionally lifted my spirits. And this weekend, DH and I are really excited to be receiving the Sacrament of the Sick for the 1st time, while at Marriage Encounter! What happened is, our parish does a "Healing Mass" every year, where those who would like to receive the Sacrament sit at the end of the pew and wear a pin, and the priest literally goes through the aisles, 1-by-1, giving the Sacrament. We saw this Mass together our first year of marriage, but didn't know about it in advance. Every single year after that, we had to miss the Mass for one reason or another! I was DETERMINED not to miss it this year!
And then we get last week's bulletin, announcing that THIS SUNDAY is the Healing Mass. UGGGHHH!! I called up the man who is organizing the ME, briefly explained the situation, and asked if he could ask the priest to please anoint us over the weekend. He called back to say Father said absolutely, and that he wanted to do it for the whole group, possibly even during Mass on Sunday! So finally we will be getting anointed.
DH and I have been reading the Bible, cover to cover, since before Thanksgiving. We've skipped a bunch of nights (too tired, etc), so we're still in Numbers right now, but I found it fitting to be reading about the ongoing Exodus of the Israelites to their "Promised Land" while we are going through all of our trials and tribulations. We are always chuckling to ourselves when we read about the Israelites groaning and complaining to Moses and to God, over and over again asking, "Why did you bring us out of Egypt if we are only to perish here?" etc etc, when God has continued to provide for them in their need, and perform miracle after miracle in their doubt. Whenever we get to another line beginning, "And the Israelites groaned..." we say, "Here we go again!!"
Yet, what is it we are doing? Are we not behaving just like the Israelites? Sure, we are struggling. Sure it is harder than we've ever imagined it could be right now. The Israelites were likewise struggling. There were times when they ran out of water. Encountered great armies in cities they had to pass through. Doesn't sound like a cakewalk to me.
But have we not both seen God's almighty power in our lives in the not-so-distant past? Have we not been convinced that He will get us through?
It's an eye-opener, that Old Testament.*
I feel that this weekend will be the fuel that gets us up and out of the pit once and for all. We could still use prayers, however, so please keep us in yours.
*(DH's favorite phrase thus far in the Old Testament is "sweet-smelling oblation to the Lord." In the interest of not being crude, but still allowing you a glimpse of his sense of humor, let's just say he uses the phrase whenever there's an emission of gaseous matter, whether it be himself or the dogs. No, I do not emit any gaseous matter.)
I feel like I'm on the SLOW climb back up out of the muck-filled trenches. Or rather, I'm being carried (like that poem "Footsteps"). I only hope this continues, because if I slip back down, I'm just going to set up camp and get nice and cozy in my muck.
It began with a wonderful, albeit quick trip to visit FJIEJ, LH, and Sew, and most importantly (sorry girls) baby L and FJIEJ's unborn baby :) Holding that dear, sweet, precious baby (the former, not the latter) just filled my soul with joy. I am ever grateful to LH (who is a FANTASTIC new mommy, by the way) for letting me hoard her child for so long. It was just what the Dr ordered- some good ol' baby-lovin'!
The 4 of us also had some great conversation, which additionally lifted my spirits. And this weekend, DH and I are really excited to be receiving the Sacrament of the Sick for the 1st time, while at Marriage Encounter! What happened is, our parish does a "Healing Mass" every year, where those who would like to receive the Sacrament sit at the end of the pew and wear a pin, and the priest literally goes through the aisles, 1-by-1, giving the Sacrament. We saw this Mass together our first year of marriage, but didn't know about it in advance. Every single year after that, we had to miss the Mass for one reason or another! I was DETERMINED not to miss it this year!
And then we get last week's bulletin, announcing that THIS SUNDAY is the Healing Mass. UGGGHHH!! I called up the man who is organizing the ME, briefly explained the situation, and asked if he could ask the priest to please anoint us over the weekend. He called back to say Father said absolutely, and that he wanted to do it for the whole group, possibly even during Mass on Sunday! So finally we will be getting anointed.
DH and I have been reading the Bible, cover to cover, since before Thanksgiving. We've skipped a bunch of nights (too tired, etc), so we're still in Numbers right now, but I found it fitting to be reading about the ongoing Exodus of the Israelites to their "Promised Land" while we are going through all of our trials and tribulations. We are always chuckling to ourselves when we read about the Israelites groaning and complaining to Moses and to God, over and over again asking, "Why did you bring us out of Egypt if we are only to perish here?" etc etc, when God has continued to provide for them in their need, and perform miracle after miracle in their doubt. Whenever we get to another line beginning, "And the Israelites groaned..." we say, "Here we go again!!"
Yet, what is it we are doing? Are we not behaving just like the Israelites? Sure, we are struggling. Sure it is harder than we've ever imagined it could be right now. The Israelites were likewise struggling. There were times when they ran out of water. Encountered great armies in cities they had to pass through. Doesn't sound like a cakewalk to me.
But have we not both seen God's almighty power in our lives in the not-so-distant past? Have we not been convinced that He will get us through?
It's an eye-opener, that Old Testament.*
I feel that this weekend will be the fuel that gets us up and out of the pit once and for all. We could still use prayers, however, so please keep us in yours.
*(DH's favorite phrase thus far in the Old Testament is "sweet-smelling oblation to the Lord." In the interest of not being crude, but still allowing you a glimpse of his sense of humor, let's just say he uses the phrase whenever there's an emission of gaseous matter, whether it be himself or the dogs. No, I do not emit any gaseous matter.)
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