Through the grace of God, we have been able to get through the past several days, one hour at a time. There is just so much going on, none of it good. Did I mention that the RE called me at home with my estradiol results after the ultrasound, and warned me not to exercise or do any heavy lifting because I may risk ovarian torsion with all of those large cysts?? Nice. He said it most likely would not come to that, though, because there was "literally no room left for your ovary to twist."
I mean, my head is spinning from all of this. I don't know what to be most concerned about anymore.
Next weekend we are going on a Marriage Encounter. I think we SERIOUSLY need this, and I am really hoping nothing happens to disrupt those plans.
I keep coming back to the thought that no suffering is in vain. While I may not have any answers right now, and I may very well never have any answers in this life, I do feel confident that this suffering is for a greater good. It would be wonderful to say someday in the future, "Oh, that time of suffering was all for THIS wonderful thing that happened in my life!" But in this case, I really and truly believe that my DH and I are suffering through this for the sake of the suffering itself. I don't know if that makes ANY sense. But it feels as if we are being crucified on our cross because that is the most perfect, holy, and complete way to suffer.
After all, this blog is entitled, "This Cross I Embrace." It is not called, "This Cross I Question, Reject, Avoid, and Will Only Accept if I Know it Will Lead Me to My Happy Ending."
While this semi-understanding has helped me to keep going, it certainly has not lessened the pain in any way. Nor has it made us feel any less alone. But was Jesus Himself spared the pain of His Passion? Did not every one of His apostles (save John) leave Him alone on that Good Friday? If Jesus couldn't escape it, what makes me think I can?
I've also been thinking a lot about my future, and my vocation. I need to face the truth that, as painful as it may be, I may never be a mother. Now, I have always believed (even gone so far as to preach) that the desire for motherhood is a good and holy desire given us from God. Furthermore, I believe that God would not give us that desire for a very special and holy vocation without fulfilling it one day. And I do also believe that God can move mountains. I have seen His glorious works very recently in so many of my blogging friends' lives, and I know He only wants good for all of us.
But maybe, just maybe, my desire for motherhood was placed on my heart so that this period of suffering in my life would be more complete, more whole. Maybe at the end of this cross, we will come to the conclusion that our marriage is our vocation, and service to others and our Church is God's will for our lives. And maybe at that time, I will no longer desire motherhood. As unfathomable as it seems now, if we believe God can move mountains, we must also believe that He can change our desires.
Many times throughout this cross, I have felt like I was in the pit of despair (no Princess Bride reference intended) and darkness... but I had no idea what despair truly was until now. I know, without a doubt, that we are now at our Golgotha, being crucified upon our cross. And it hurts. It is worse than anything I have ever experienced.
At the same time, it is, dare I say, renewing. I know that some time soon, some huge change will come into our lives. We will begin our climb back up out of the pit, and we will have a new meaning for our lives. And by the grace of God, we will be stronger individuals, a stronger couple.
While we wait, we continue to embrace the cross we've been nailed to, hoping to find meaning on the other side.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
No Point
As in, there is absolutely NO POINT to this blog post, because I cannot and will not delve into details here. I'm sorry. I just can't.
But I did want to just fill you all in on the fact that Tuesday night, something happened. Something bad. Something VERY. very. bad.
Something that has not only humiliated my DH and me, but also may very well have ruined our lives.
Because this something? It has GREAT potential to be a reason we may never, ever be able to adopt.
That's really all I can say. All I can ask for is your prayers that God please deliver us from this.
At this point? It is just comical. The day after this happened, I got the news about Sew. I mean, seriously, W.T.H??? I just envision God up there going, "OK, you get a baby. You get a baby. And now you... now you... and you, Sew?? Hmm... you get cancer. And you TCIE? How 'bout this?"
I realize that's not at all what's taking place up in Heaven right now. But man, how can it NOT feel like that?
My poor DH is having a major breakdown. I'd be right there with him had I not already had about 17 of them over the past 8 months.
I swear. I better go STRAIGHT to the pearly gates... I'm gonna have to speak with a Manager if I get dropped off in Purgatory after all of this.
But I did want to just fill you all in on the fact that Tuesday night, something happened. Something bad. Something VERY. very. bad.
Something that has not only humiliated my DH and me, but also may very well have ruined our lives.
Because this something? It has GREAT potential to be a reason we may never, ever be able to adopt.
That's really all I can say. All I can ask for is your prayers that God please deliver us from this.
At this point? It is just comical. The day after this happened, I got the news about Sew. I mean, seriously, W.T.H??? I just envision God up there going, "OK, you get a baby. You get a baby. And now you... now you... and you, Sew?? Hmm... you get cancer. And you TCIE? How 'bout this?"
I realize that's not at all what's taking place up in Heaven right now. But man, how can it NOT feel like that?
My poor DH is having a major breakdown. I'd be right there with him had I not already had about 17 of them over the past 8 months.
I swear. I better go STRAIGHT to the pearly gates... I'm gonna have to speak with a Manager if I get dropped off in Purgatory after all of this.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sitting Out
As suspected, I need to sit out a cycle until these cysts resolve. There are multiple cysts on both sides, and they're pretty large and in charge. Dr KK recommended I take a pack of bcp, but when I said absolutelynowayinheckeverevereveragain, she agreed that Prometrium would be fine instead. So I'm going to take 3 weeks of Prometrium and hope and pray it shrinks up those suckers.
Then I have a pretty good game plan for next cycle. Basically all the same stuff as this past cycle, except we're going to MAKE SURE I ovulate this time! Lower dose of Follistim, and frequent ultrasound monitoring. I may ask my NaPro Dr for an u/s series (or perhaps get a series done at the imaging center where I work).
Dr K-K somehow managed to get me hopeful again :) So I'm really, really looking forward to mid-February when my new cycle should be starting.
Now I just have to get there. I hate waiting.
Then I have a pretty good game plan for next cycle. Basically all the same stuff as this past cycle, except we're going to MAKE SURE I ovulate this time! Lower dose of Follistim, and frequent ultrasound monitoring. I may ask my NaPro Dr for an u/s series (or perhaps get a series done at the imaging center where I work).
Dr K-K somehow managed to get me hopeful again :) So I'm really, really looking forward to mid-February when my new cycle should be starting.
Now I just have to get there. I hate waiting.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Anniversary of Sorts
On this day 14 years ago, I got an answer to a prayer. A prayer I had been praying for about 5 years. A prayer very similar to the prayer I've been praying for the past 4 years.
That prayer was to begin my vocation. (Well, except that literally, it was for me to finally PHYSICALLY become a woman... i.e. get my first period.)
I was 14 and 1/2 years old. I literally felt like the last girl my age to not be menstruating... to not be a woman. I prayed and prayed and prayed, so hard, every night. Why? I'd like to think it was a little more than my desire for boobs that drove the fire behind my daily pleas with God. No, I imagine that in my own young adolescent way, I knew that in beginning my cycles, I was beginning the path to motherhood - the path I've ALWAYS known I was born to travel.
And how ironic that 14 years later, I am praying for my period to STOP showing up. Oh, God, Your sense of humor is wonderful.
I am trying to understand why I am being asked to suffer in this way, and how I can suffer well. Yes, you read that correctly. I don't want all this CRAPSHITBULLPOOP (sorry, mild case of Tourette's) that I'm going through right now to be in vain. I want it to be purposeful, and if it can't help ME, to at least help SOMEBODY. Because, really, are you kidding me with this shit??
Suffering comes in all forms. And yes, IF is one of the biggest forms I've yet to experience. But it's so much more than that. I could handle the ups and downs of IF. OK, maybe not WELL, at least not all the time, but I handled them. But I don't know how anyone could say that what we're experiencing right now is not God's almighty Hand physically putting barriers on our road/s to parenthood.
This just in: I had a more detailed ultrasound today to see the cyst up close and personal (and Misfit, no, I don't TV-probe myself, though I've been tempted)... and my transabdominal ultrasound from yesterday was waaaaay off. I don't have a cyst on my left ovary. I have FIVE ginormous cysts on my left ovary, and a couple on my right, as well! (Just where they came from, who knows, I thought that ovary was out of business.) Nothing, nowhere, looked like a corpus luteum. So, to me this means that even with a TRIGGER SHOT of hCG, I didn't rupture any of those five follicles. I'm not a Dr, but this is my big suspicion. My P+7 estradiol was 3258 (yes, you read that correctly, too) and progesterone was 57... but still, I think they poofed up, luteinized, but never ruptured.
As Sew brought up, this (in a miniscule way) is good news. It means I never had a shot this cycle. So, my Colossal Failure Cycle with injectables/Intralipids is really just another of the same ol'/same ol' failures. But, let's just take a look closer, shall we? My ovaries have just started to refuse to do something they've been doing perfectly well for the past 3 years NOW??? How else am I to interpret that besides it is God's will for me to NOT get pregnant?
And furthermore, with all the adoption hold-ups, denials, roadblocks... it's pretty clear He isn't intending for us to just "wait it out" and one day we'll get that wonderful adoption match or placement. Sure, maybe we'll get "that call" someday. Maybe some distant relative of a relative's friend knows of a baby who was just born, yada yada... but how lovely to have to say, "No thank you" to a baby because some really important people I don't know have decided I am not fit to be a mother... but thanks so much, anyway!
When I said I was at the end of my rope, I meant it. This is so much more than "waiting." Everyone else waits with a purpose. I see no purpose in my current situation, and I am beyond frustrated with that.
Please dear God, let me know how I am to use this seemingly meaningless, fruitless suffering.
Oh. And thanks for the period 14 years ago today. Not like I needed it after all.
That prayer was to begin my vocation. (Well, except that literally, it was for me to finally PHYSICALLY become a woman... i.e. get my first period.)
I was 14 and 1/2 years old. I literally felt like the last girl my age to not be menstruating... to not be a woman. I prayed and prayed and prayed, so hard, every night. Why? I'd like to think it was a little more than my desire for boobs that drove the fire behind my daily pleas with God. No, I imagine that in my own young adolescent way, I knew that in beginning my cycles, I was beginning the path to motherhood - the path I've ALWAYS known I was born to travel.
And how ironic that 14 years later, I am praying for my period to STOP showing up. Oh, God, Your sense of humor is wonderful.
I am trying to understand why I am being asked to suffer in this way, and how I can suffer well. Yes, you read that correctly. I don't want all this CRAPSHITBULLPOOP (sorry, mild case of Tourette's) that I'm going through right now to be in vain. I want it to be purposeful, and if it can't help ME, to at least help SOMEBODY. Because, really, are you kidding me with this shit??
Suffering comes in all forms. And yes, IF is one of the biggest forms I've yet to experience. But it's so much more than that. I could handle the ups and downs of IF. OK, maybe not WELL, at least not all the time, but I handled them. But I don't know how anyone could say that what we're experiencing right now is not God's almighty Hand physically putting barriers on our road/s to parenthood.
This just in: I had a more detailed ultrasound today to see the cyst up close and personal (and Misfit, no, I don't TV-probe myself, though I've been tempted)... and my transabdominal ultrasound from yesterday was waaaaay off. I don't have a cyst on my left ovary. I have FIVE ginormous cysts on my left ovary, and a couple on my right, as well! (Just where they came from, who knows, I thought that ovary was out of business.) Nothing, nowhere, looked like a corpus luteum. So, to me this means that even with a TRIGGER SHOT of hCG, I didn't rupture any of those five follicles. I'm not a Dr, but this is my big suspicion. My P+7 estradiol was 3258 (yes, you read that correctly, too) and progesterone was 57... but still, I think they poofed up, luteinized, but never ruptured.
As Sew brought up, this (in a miniscule way) is good news. It means I never had a shot this cycle. So, my Colossal Failure Cycle with injectables/Intralipids is really just another of the same ol'/same ol' failures. But, let's just take a look closer, shall we? My ovaries have just started to refuse to do something they've been doing perfectly well for the past 3 years NOW??? How else am I to interpret that besides it is God's will for me to NOT get pregnant?
And furthermore, with all the adoption hold-ups, denials, roadblocks... it's pretty clear He isn't intending for us to just "wait it out" and one day we'll get that wonderful adoption match or placement. Sure, maybe we'll get "that call" someday. Maybe some distant relative of a relative's friend knows of a baby who was just born, yada yada... but how lovely to have to say, "No thank you" to a baby because some really important people I don't know have decided I am not fit to be a mother... but thanks so much, anyway!
When I said I was at the end of my rope, I meant it. This is so much more than "waiting." Everyone else waits with a purpose. I see no purpose in my current situation, and I am beyond frustrated with that.
Please dear God, let me know how I am to use this seemingly meaningless, fruitless suffering.
Oh. And thanks for the period 14 years ago today. Not like I needed it after all.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
No Title
So apparently it's going to take some more time to figure out if we can continue the Home Study or not. It's already been 1 1/2 wks since our meeting.
Things have just been stagnant. Completely and utterly stagnant, and it is unbearable. I am due for AF in a couple of days, and I most likely will have to sit out a cycle of injectables because today I scanned myself and saw a nice, large 5cm cyst on the left ovary. Nice. I guess this is why my NaPro Dr didn't want to use injectables.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'm most definitely not pregnant. What else is new.
I'm nearing the end of my rope. I really cannot take too much more of this. And I don't mean the "TTC" stuff- I mean, the doors slamming in my face stuff. I need an avenue to motherhood, and God just keeps making it abundantly clear that I'm not worthy to walk any of those roads. I have a huge lump in my throat... I really just need something good to happen to me for once. Please, God.
Things have just been stagnant. Completely and utterly stagnant, and it is unbearable. I am due for AF in a couple of days, and I most likely will have to sit out a cycle of injectables because today I scanned myself and saw a nice, large 5cm cyst on the left ovary. Nice. I guess this is why my NaPro Dr didn't want to use injectables.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'm most definitely not pregnant. What else is new.
I'm nearing the end of my rope. I really cannot take too much more of this. And I don't mean the "TTC" stuff- I mean, the doors slamming in my face stuff. I need an avenue to motherhood, and God just keeps making it abundantly clear that I'm not worthy to walk any of those roads. I have a huge lump in my throat... I really just need something good to happen to me for once. Please, God.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Preemptive Sadness
I am struggling tonight. I think it's my mind's way of preparing my heart for failure. Failure of the cycle, failure of immune treatments in general, and failure of adoption.
I wouldn't classify it as depression. But I am overwhelmingly just SAD. The littlest thing brings me to tears. I also had a rough morning, with the Infertility Support Group meeting. It was a good meeting, just very draining. And it left me wondering if what I'm doing (or trying to do) with this cross is actually making any difference at all.
I am honestly dreading testing. I wish I didn't have to. It's unlikely that I would even get a positive at 10dpo, anyway, and I just don't feel like starting out my day with a BFN and then going to celebrate Mass for my grandmother whom I miss so much it hurts. I can't believe it's been a year.
In all of this sadness, I do feel God. I know He hurts with me, and for me. I feel His presence, which I haven't always felt in my despair through the years. It is comforting to know He has a plan for me. I fully trust in that. I guess it's my lack of current understanding for the situation we are in right now that is reaping in the tears. But just thinking that one day I may be given insight into His divine will gives me hope.
Lord, please use my sadness. Accept it as my offering for someone else's peace of heart. Someone who is truly in despair. Someone who has nowhere to turn, and does not feel Your presence. At least then I'll feel useful.
I wouldn't classify it as depression. But I am overwhelmingly just SAD. The littlest thing brings me to tears. I also had a rough morning, with the Infertility Support Group meeting. It was a good meeting, just very draining. And it left me wondering if what I'm doing (or trying to do) with this cross is actually making any difference at all.
I am honestly dreading testing. I wish I didn't have to. It's unlikely that I would even get a positive at 10dpo, anyway, and I just don't feel like starting out my day with a BFN and then going to celebrate Mass for my grandmother whom I miss so much it hurts. I can't believe it's been a year.
In all of this sadness, I do feel God. I know He hurts with me, and for me. I feel His presence, which I haven't always felt in my despair through the years. It is comforting to know He has a plan for me. I fully trust in that. I guess it's my lack of current understanding for the situation we are in right now that is reaping in the tears. But just thinking that one day I may be given insight into His divine will gives me hope.
Lord, please use my sadness. Accept it as my offering for someone else's peace of heart. Someone who is truly in despair. Someone who has nowhere to turn, and does not feel Your presence. At least then I'll feel useful.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Still Waiting... from both angles
Early next week we should have a final answer on the adoption front.
We're thinking good thoughts. This has to work, it just has to. We are not opposed to working with another agency, going with a lawyer/private adoption, or looking into international/foster care/etc... but we would need to start all over from scratch, and also not be as, a-hem, informative as we were with this Home Study.
Did I ever tell you guys how we came to choose our adoption agency? It seemed like such a sign from God. Which is why it confuses me to no end why this is all happening.
Last Jan 22nd I went on my first March for Life in DC. It was a couple of days after my Grandmother's funeral. DH and I were also preparing to begin our Infertility Support Group in the Diocese, and our first meeting was to be held the following month. The Family Life Office said they would advertise for us in the Diocesan paper... so on the bus to the March, they handed out the Diocesan newspaper and I immediately went looking to see if the ad was already in.
It was! It was nice and big, with a picture of a couple from the back, the woman's head leaning on the man's shoulder, and they were holding hands. The title was "Suffering Silently?"
I had been nudging DH to start adoption pretty much immediately when we hit our 2 Year Anniversary (most places I had researched required 2 Years of marriage). He wasn't ready yet. He thought it would be "giving up" on trying to conceive.
But I couldn't ignore this sign: right next to my ad for the Support Group was an ad almost the same size, for our Adoption Agency. It is not Catholic, but it is Christian. I sent away for the preliminary application immediately (that night when I got home)!
Then I went to Eucharistic Adoration to help with discernment over this matter. I asked God to please help us know what He wanted us to do, and if this were the right path for us to take at this time, to give us a sign.
This was on a Friday evening, I believe.
The next morning with the mail arrived our agency's letter and the preliminary application. The letter was absolutely beautiful, and it expressed how they were a pro-life agency who valued each and every living human being.
DH read it and I literally WATCHED as his heart opened to adoption. It was a memory I will keep with me always.
And so we began. Late January 2009. We were told the Home Study normally takes 3-4 months. We began the Home Study in February 2009...
I do not write this in anger, or even frustration at this point. I have made my peace with the fact that we had this hiccup in our adoption. And we may get another one. But I do remain confused. I just don't see God's hand in our adoption plan, and it baffles me... I can see so clearly (from the outside, of course) how people are lead away from fertility treatments because God intends them to adopt, or even having them lead away from adoption because they are about to conceive. But why lead a couple to adoption only to turn them away from it (and obviously, no conceiving has taken place in the 12 months we've been waiting to get approved)?
It really makes no sense to me. But I suppose, just as in all good things that come from God, one day it will all make perfect sense. I suppose.
I am also waiting to start testing at 10dpo (P+10). How nerve-wracking! I do know that the trigger is out of my system as of this morning (8dpo and 10 days past trigger), so if I get a positive (HA!) it will be a real one. Dr Kwak-Kim wants me to start testing at 10dpo because implantation failure is a major player in this, so the sooner we catch implantation, the better.
In the meantime, I got my labs back from when I flew out to Chicago last week. She called and had me run another APTT (clotting time) test immediately, since mine was out of range (clotting way too slowly, apparently), after stopping my Lovenox for 24 hrs. I didn't get the results until the next morning, so it was actually 48 hrs I stopped the Lovenox, which scares me to death... the range was back to normal, so now she has me on Lovenox 60 mgs only ONCE per day. This, I must admit, also scares me, but I am going ahead and trusting her expertise.
My cytokines (T-Helper cells, which are an inflammatory immune response in our body) were elevated for the 1st time since I've been having them checked, and so she had me up my dose of Prednisone to 10 mgs 2 x day. I think the Intralipids help with the TH1 cells, too, so hopefully I'm covered between the two. I asked the nurses why all of a sudden my cytokines were up, and she said they fluctuate constantly, particularly throughout pregnancy, so Dr Kwak monitors it frequently. (Same as with NK cells, which were, interestingly enough, much decreased from the last 2 times I checked. They went back down to 9.4, but then again I was pre-Peak and maybe they flare more post-Peak.)
My thyroid levels were normal, but for some reason Dr Kwak wanted me to check those again, too. I'll have the repeat results tomorrow.
And you may be wondering about when I start to test. My first hpt will be 10dpo as previously mentioned... which happens to be the 1 Year Anniversary of my Grandmother's passing. She, as you may remember, promised to pray for us and our babies from heaven. We will be having a memorial Mass for her that day, too.
I'll keep you posted.
We're thinking good thoughts. This has to work, it just has to. We are not opposed to working with another agency, going with a lawyer/private adoption, or looking into international/foster care/etc... but we would need to start all over from scratch, and also not be as, a-hem, informative as we were with this Home Study.
Did I ever tell you guys how we came to choose our adoption agency? It seemed like such a sign from God. Which is why it confuses me to no end why this is all happening.
Last Jan 22nd I went on my first March for Life in DC. It was a couple of days after my Grandmother's funeral. DH and I were also preparing to begin our Infertility Support Group in the Diocese, and our first meeting was to be held the following month. The Family Life Office said they would advertise for us in the Diocesan paper... so on the bus to the March, they handed out the Diocesan newspaper and I immediately went looking to see if the ad was already in.
It was! It was nice and big, with a picture of a couple from the back, the woman's head leaning on the man's shoulder, and they were holding hands. The title was "Suffering Silently?"
I had been nudging DH to start adoption pretty much immediately when we hit our 2 Year Anniversary (most places I had researched required 2 Years of marriage). He wasn't ready yet. He thought it would be "giving up" on trying to conceive.
But I couldn't ignore this sign: right next to my ad for the Support Group was an ad almost the same size, for our Adoption Agency. It is not Catholic, but it is Christian. I sent away for the preliminary application immediately (that night when I got home)!
Then I went to Eucharistic Adoration to help with discernment over this matter. I asked God to please help us know what He wanted us to do, and if this were the right path for us to take at this time, to give us a sign.
This was on a Friday evening, I believe.
The next morning with the mail arrived our agency's letter and the preliminary application. The letter was absolutely beautiful, and it expressed how they were a pro-life agency who valued each and every living human being.
DH read it and I literally WATCHED as his heart opened to adoption. It was a memory I will keep with me always.
And so we began. Late January 2009. We were told the Home Study normally takes 3-4 months. We began the Home Study in February 2009...
I do not write this in anger, or even frustration at this point. I have made my peace with the fact that we had this hiccup in our adoption. And we may get another one. But I do remain confused. I just don't see God's hand in our adoption plan, and it baffles me... I can see so clearly (from the outside, of course) how people are lead away from fertility treatments because God intends them to adopt, or even having them lead away from adoption because they are about to conceive. But why lead a couple to adoption only to turn them away from it (and obviously, no conceiving has taken place in the 12 months we've been waiting to get approved)?
It really makes no sense to me. But I suppose, just as in all good things that come from God, one day it will all make perfect sense. I suppose.
I am also waiting to start testing at 10dpo (P+10). How nerve-wracking! I do know that the trigger is out of my system as of this morning (8dpo and 10 days past trigger), so if I get a positive (HA!) it will be a real one. Dr Kwak-Kim wants me to start testing at 10dpo because implantation failure is a major player in this, so the sooner we catch implantation, the better.
In the meantime, I got my labs back from when I flew out to Chicago last week. She called and had me run another APTT (clotting time) test immediately, since mine was out of range (clotting way too slowly, apparently), after stopping my Lovenox for 24 hrs. I didn't get the results until the next morning, so it was actually 48 hrs I stopped the Lovenox, which scares me to death... the range was back to normal, so now she has me on Lovenox 60 mgs only ONCE per day. This, I must admit, also scares me, but I am going ahead and trusting her expertise.
My cytokines (T-Helper cells, which are an inflammatory immune response in our body) were elevated for the 1st time since I've been having them checked, and so she had me up my dose of Prednisone to 10 mgs 2 x day. I think the Intralipids help with the TH1 cells, too, so hopefully I'm covered between the two. I asked the nurses why all of a sudden my cytokines were up, and she said they fluctuate constantly, particularly throughout pregnancy, so Dr Kwak monitors it frequently. (Same as with NK cells, which were, interestingly enough, much decreased from the last 2 times I checked. They went back down to 9.4, but then again I was pre-Peak and maybe they flare more post-Peak.)
My thyroid levels were normal, but for some reason Dr Kwak wanted me to check those again, too. I'll have the repeat results tomorrow.
And you may be wondering about when I start to test. My first hpt will be 10dpo as previously mentioned... which happens to be the 1 Year Anniversary of my Grandmother's passing. She, as you may remember, promised to pray for us and our babies from heaven. We will be having a memorial Mass for her that day, too.
I'll keep you posted.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Not Out of the Woods... Yet
The meeting was somewhat anti-climatic today. But the good news is, we were not told definitively NO.
Instead, the decision will hinge upon a few things that will transpire over the next week/s or so. All we can do is hope and pray. It's in God's hands from here...
I did, at one point, burst into tears when our Social Worker mentioned to the branch Director that she may want us to wait several more months to re-evaluate. Later when we were alone with the Social Worker, she said she didn't mean to suggest that we absolutely could not continue at this time, and that she had a good feeling the Director was leaning towards letting us continue now (pending the few additional "things" that need to be checked up on). She also made me feel a lot better by telling us this is one of the most difficult things they do in their job... putting someone's home study on hold. So, I felt better at least knowing we're not the only people in the world that this has happened to.
They also did empathize with us, and let us know they realized how tough this must be on us both.
Thank you all SO MUCH for your prayers. I probably wouldn't have made it through that without you behind me spiritually.
Oh yeah, I lied. I cried twice. Toward the end of the meeting the Director looked at me and asked how this set-back has been affecting me personally (remember, I said the real issue pertains to my husband, not me).
I broke down. I said that I felt so hopeless, because adoption has always been something SO SPECIAL to me, something I really held as an ideal. Where most people can have the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, not all people get to experience adoption, and I have known for a long time that that is something I felt called to do. I then expressed how lost I felt in not understanding why God put this hurdle in our path... I was a blubbery mess.
Instead, the decision will hinge upon a few things that will transpire over the next week/s or so. All we can do is hope and pray. It's in God's hands from here...
I did, at one point, burst into tears when our Social Worker mentioned to the branch Director that she may want us to wait several more months to re-evaluate. Later when we were alone with the Social Worker, she said she didn't mean to suggest that we absolutely could not continue at this time, and that she had a good feeling the Director was leaning towards letting us continue now (pending the few additional "things" that need to be checked up on). She also made me feel a lot better by telling us this is one of the most difficult things they do in their job... putting someone's home study on hold. So, I felt better at least knowing we're not the only people in the world that this has happened to.
They also did empathize with us, and let us know they realized how tough this must be on us both.
Thank you all SO MUCH for your prayers. I probably wouldn't have made it through that without you behind me spiritually.
Oh yeah, I lied. I cried twice. Toward the end of the meeting the Director looked at me and asked how this set-back has been affecting me personally (remember, I said the real issue pertains to my husband, not me).
I broke down. I said that I felt so hopeless, because adoption has always been something SO SPECIAL to me, something I really held as an ideal. Where most people can have the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, not all people get to experience adoption, and I have known for a long time that that is something I felt called to do. I then expressed how lost I felt in not understanding why God put this hurdle in our path... I was a blubbery mess.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Prayer Request- Adoption Meeting
I feel like a prayer mooch... I'm always asking for prayers.
But this time I'm really scared.
Tomorrow is our meeting at the adoption agency. We meet with our Social Worker and with the Branch Director to find out if we are able to continue the Home Study after our forced break from June '09. (We began the adoption process last January '09, and began the Home Study in February.)
I am so nervous. The nature of our inability to adopt right now is such that, if we are told we cannot continue, we will not be able to begin elsewhere for quite some time. I know this sounds so cryptic, but I really don't feel comfortable getting into more detail. It's too depressing.
There is the possibility that we will be able to continue despite the set-backs, though. And that is what I am petitioning prayers for. If I am ever going to get pregnant, it will be over the next 3-4 months when I am doing every immune treatment available to me simultaneously, as well as hormonal support both pre and post-Peak. If I do not get pregnant over the next 3-4 months, I will not get pregnant ever. This is the honest to God truth. I absolutely cannot implant without Lovenox, and I most likely cannot conceive without Intralipids and steroids. And I'm not going to take these meds indefinately. I will give it 3-4 more months.
So, if I am also told that we can't get Home Study approved, what does that mean for us? It means that absolutely, positively, I will not be a mother for years and years at least, and possibly never. I will never get a call that a birthmother has chosen me, or that a baby has been born and I can come pick them up.
A good analogy would that I am to adoption as a woman with a hysterectomy is to fertility/infertility. Sure, some women with endometriosis, PCOS, etc. etc. may complain that they are "unlikely" to get pregnant with their ailments, but they have a womb, and they have ovaries. Therefore, there's always THE CHANCE.
I do not have ANY CHANCE at becoming a mother... not through adoption, anyway... not right now...
I can tell that a deep, deep depression is on the horizon should none of this work out soon. I only want to do God's will, this is true. But I won't understand why He's decided to make the journey so much harder for us than (seemingly) for anyone else. All I want is the approval to adopt, and then, I swear, I'd be happy to wait 14 years for the baby!!! I've never known ANYONE who was Home Study approved and "pregnant on paper" who didn't eventually get placed with their child. I know for CERTAIN that it would happen... in His time.
But what could be the reason for making us wait to get that approval to adopt?? Why are we being told by people who don't even know us that we are not fit to parent? This just breaks my heart.
So, your prayers are greatly appreciated for tomorrow's appointment at 3:00pm EST. The hour of Divine Mercy. Let's hope...
But this time I'm really scared.
Tomorrow is our meeting at the adoption agency. We meet with our Social Worker and with the Branch Director to find out if we are able to continue the Home Study after our forced break from June '09. (We began the adoption process last January '09, and began the Home Study in February.)
I am so nervous. The nature of our inability to adopt right now is such that, if we are told we cannot continue, we will not be able to begin elsewhere for quite some time. I know this sounds so cryptic, but I really don't feel comfortable getting into more detail. It's too depressing.
There is the possibility that we will be able to continue despite the set-backs, though. And that is what I am petitioning prayers for. If I am ever going to get pregnant, it will be over the next 3-4 months when I am doing every immune treatment available to me simultaneously, as well as hormonal support both pre and post-Peak. If I do not get pregnant over the next 3-4 months, I will not get pregnant ever. This is the honest to God truth. I absolutely cannot implant without Lovenox, and I most likely cannot conceive without Intralipids and steroids. And I'm not going to take these meds indefinately. I will give it 3-4 more months.
So, if I am also told that we can't get Home Study approved, what does that mean for us? It means that absolutely, positively, I will not be a mother for years and years at least, and possibly never. I will never get a call that a birthmother has chosen me, or that a baby has been born and I can come pick them up.
A good analogy would that I am to adoption as a woman with a hysterectomy is to fertility/infertility. Sure, some women with endometriosis, PCOS, etc. etc. may complain that they are "unlikely" to get pregnant with their ailments, but they have a womb, and they have ovaries. Therefore, there's always THE CHANCE.
I do not have ANY CHANCE at becoming a mother... not through adoption, anyway... not right now...
I can tell that a deep, deep depression is on the horizon should none of this work out soon. I only want to do God's will, this is true. But I won't understand why He's decided to make the journey so much harder for us than (seemingly) for anyone else. All I want is the approval to adopt, and then, I swear, I'd be happy to wait 14 years for the baby!!! I've never known ANYONE who was Home Study approved and "pregnant on paper" who didn't eventually get placed with their child. I know for CERTAIN that it would happen... in His time.
But what could be the reason for making us wait to get that approval to adopt?? Why are we being told by people who don't even know us that we are not fit to parent? This just breaks my heart.
So, your prayers are greatly appreciated for tomorrow's appointment at 3:00pm EST. The hour of Divine Mercy. Let's hope...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Five :)
This week has been go-go-go!
Monday morning I got bloodwork and an ultrasound at the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office (I'm trying to spell things out more since I have many readers who are not well-versed in the infertile acronym lingo).
I had 3 follicles around 17/18mm on the left, and a couple of other small ones they didn't even bother to measure. The Dr told me to take 1 more night of Follistim (making it a total of 6 injections at 100 ius this cycle), and then to trigger Tuesday evening.
I am due to ovulate today or tomorrow.
Then Tuesday afternoon (had to leave work early) we drove into NYC for my first Intralipid Infusion. It was no biggie. I did slip from my diet because I was starving and sent DH to get me a chicken/mozzarella/pesto sandwich. Ah, well.
After the infusion I rushed back to NJ for my ultrasound lab class, where my friend D came in to be a pregnant guinea pig :) It was so exciting to get to see her baby before the rest of the world does! She is 11 weeks, and baby is going STRONG... and for the record, I already put my guess in for gender - girl. (It's ok, D wanted to know. I told her it's a 50/50 shot, lol!)
And this morning (if you can call it that) we left the house at 3:45am to drive to La Guardia airport so I could fly to Chicago, then get a taxi to Vernon Hills and come all the way back again, for my ultrasound appointment at Dr. Kwak-Kim's office. It went well, and blood flow is better. (Apparently, the actual # did increase - the resistance index- which really confused me. But they explained to me that last time I came was during the early secretory phase, and resistance should be LOW at that point. During the proliferative phase, resistance is naturally higher. The Dr. said my dose of Lovenox is adequate, so I guess that's all that matters to me!)
The best part of the ultrasound, though, was finding out that those other couple of follicles on the left TOOK OFF and had a major growth spurt! Now I have FIVE follicles between 18 and 24 mms! I think I felt a couple of them rupture on the plane. Wouldn't it be funny to say you conceived in a city midway across the country when your husband wasn't even there at the time??
And finally, I had her check up on that suspected endometrioma. She said it very well could be that, but it could also be a paraovarian cyst. I don't think so, because I'm pretty sure it was well-contained within the ovary (whereas a P.O.C. is outside of the ovary). But she did go back and compare it to my ultrasound on 8/25, and it was there then, too!! They had just assumed at that time that it was a corpus luteum since I was 4dpo... I've had this sucker a while now!
And Dr S.tegman still hasn't responded to my inquiries about it! :(
I know this is hardly exciting news in the wake of AYWH's adoption(!!!!)... but I do want to make sure I get all of this down or I'm liable to forget!
Oh, I slipped again today and had an Auntie Anne's pretzel at the airport. It was OH SO GOOD!!! This diet blows.
Monday morning I got bloodwork and an ultrasound at the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office (I'm trying to spell things out more since I have many readers who are not well-versed in the infertile acronym lingo).
I had 3 follicles around 17/18mm on the left, and a couple of other small ones they didn't even bother to measure. The Dr told me to take 1 more night of Follistim (making it a total of 6 injections at 100 ius this cycle), and then to trigger Tuesday evening.
I am due to ovulate today or tomorrow.
Then Tuesday afternoon (had to leave work early) we drove into NYC for my first Intralipid Infusion. It was no biggie. I did slip from my diet because I was starving and sent DH to get me a chicken/mozzarella/pesto sandwich. Ah, well.
After the infusion I rushed back to NJ for my ultrasound lab class, where my friend D came in to be a pregnant guinea pig :) It was so exciting to get to see her baby before the rest of the world does! She is 11 weeks, and baby is going STRONG... and for the record, I already put my guess in for gender - girl. (It's ok, D wanted to know. I told her it's a 50/50 shot, lol!)
And this morning (if you can call it that) we left the house at 3:45am to drive to La Guardia airport so I could fly to Chicago, then get a taxi to Vernon Hills and come all the way back again, for my ultrasound appointment at Dr. Kwak-Kim's office. It went well, and blood flow is better. (Apparently, the actual # did increase - the resistance index- which really confused me. But they explained to me that last time I came was during the early secretory phase, and resistance should be LOW at that point. During the proliferative phase, resistance is naturally higher. The Dr. said my dose of Lovenox is adequate, so I guess that's all that matters to me!)
The best part of the ultrasound, though, was finding out that those other couple of follicles on the left TOOK OFF and had a major growth spurt! Now I have FIVE follicles between 18 and 24 mms! I think I felt a couple of them rupture on the plane. Wouldn't it be funny to say you conceived in a city midway across the country when your husband wasn't even there at the time??
And finally, I had her check up on that suspected endometrioma. She said it very well could be that, but it could also be a paraovarian cyst. I don't think so, because I'm pretty sure it was well-contained within the ovary (whereas a P.O.C. is outside of the ovary). But she did go back and compare it to my ultrasound on 8/25, and it was there then, too!! They had just assumed at that time that it was a corpus luteum since I was 4dpo... I've had this sucker a while now!
And Dr S.tegman still hasn't responded to my inquiries about it! :(
I know this is hardly exciting news in the wake of AYWH's adoption(!!!!)... but I do want to make sure I get all of this down or I'm liable to forget!
Oh, I slipped again today and had an Auntie Anne's pretzel at the airport. It was OH SO GOOD!!! This diet blows.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Creme de la Creme
I was honored to read the blurp about my blog post submission for this year's Creme de la Creme at The Stirrup Queen. Thanks, Mel!
Check it out! #82
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/01/creme-de-la-creme-of-2009/
(Also congrats to FJIEJ and I Can Haz Bebe for their awesome posts which made it to the list.)
You can still submit if you haven't already- go find your best post from 2009 and submit it!!
Check it out! #82
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/01/creme-de-la-creme-of-2009/
(Also congrats to FJIEJ and I Can Haz Bebe for their awesome posts which made it to the list.)
You can still submit if you haven't already- go find your best post from 2009 and submit it!!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Quick Update
So, I have been doing my Follistim injections over the past few days, and my package from Freedom Pharmacy was sitting in the fridge still, because I had a couple of boxes of 900 ius (won't say where I got it). Follistim, for those who don't know, come in 900, 600, and 300 iu cartridges. The RE prescribed me 300 iu cartridges, because since the meds are so expensive, he didn't want any leftover to go to waste.
Originally, I thought the nurse told me he called in 2 boxes of 300 ius, which would presumably last me 1 cycle.
When I spoke to Freedom Pharmacy, they told me that for the Ovidrel trigger shot (hCG) and the 2 boxes of Follistim, my co-pay was $105. I was thinking that each box of Follistim was my normal $35 co-pay for preferred brands, and the Ovidrel was another $35.
Today I finally opened the refridgerated package. Inside was the Ovidrel, and FOUR boxes of 900 iu Follistim!!!!! I'm not sure if the pharmacy was out of 300s and 600s(seems unlikely) or if they just made a mistake - - but I almost soiled myself when I saw that!! Then to top it off, the receipts said the Ovidrel was $70, while the Follistim (all FOUR boxes of 900 ius) were only $35!!!
Wow.
It seems weird to say that God plays a role in our financial lives, but I have seen it over and over again in my life and in those around me - He really does provide for us, even financially, when we most need it! Unreal!
Final update: I am just about to start the 2nd week of my LEAP diet, and I am STARVIN' Marvin over here. Seriously. Feed me, Seymour. Green peppers, grapefruit, and sunflower seeds aren't cuttin' it anymore. What I wouldn't give for a gigantic ham and swiss hero... or a calzone... or a box of cookies... oh, mama misses her wheat! (And speaking of reactive foods that I can't eat, has anyone noticed how many foods have rice in its ingredients?? Brown rice, rice flour, rice syrup, etc. Even the Buckwheat and Kamut cereal I tried to buy had rice in it. Dammit!) Luckily, in Week 2, I can have cane sugar, carob, cocoa, coconut, some other bird-food-tasting grains like kamut, oats, apples and oranges and some other veggies, along with cow's milk, eggs, and turkey. Time to find out how awful homemade millet and buckwheat bread is.
Originally, I thought the nurse told me he called in 2 boxes of 300 ius, which would presumably last me 1 cycle.
When I spoke to Freedom Pharmacy, they told me that for the Ovidrel trigger shot (hCG) and the 2 boxes of Follistim, my co-pay was $105. I was thinking that each box of Follistim was my normal $35 co-pay for preferred brands, and the Ovidrel was another $35.
Today I finally opened the refridgerated package. Inside was the Ovidrel, and FOUR boxes of 900 iu Follistim!!!!! I'm not sure if the pharmacy was out of 300s and 600s(seems unlikely) or if they just made a mistake - - but I almost soiled myself when I saw that!! Then to top it off, the receipts said the Ovidrel was $70, while the Follistim (all FOUR boxes of 900 ius) were only $35!!!
Wow.
It seems weird to say that God plays a role in our financial lives, but I have seen it over and over again in my life and in those around me - He really does provide for us, even financially, when we most need it! Unreal!
Final update: I am just about to start the 2nd week of my LEAP diet, and I am STARVIN' Marvin over here. Seriously. Feed me, Seymour. Green peppers, grapefruit, and sunflower seeds aren't cuttin' it anymore. What I wouldn't give for a gigantic ham and swiss hero... or a calzone... or a box of cookies... oh, mama misses her wheat! (And speaking of reactive foods that I can't eat, has anyone noticed how many foods have rice in its ingredients?? Brown rice, rice flour, rice syrup, etc. Even the Buckwheat and Kamut cereal I tried to buy had rice in it. Dammit!) Luckily, in Week 2, I can have cane sugar, carob, cocoa, coconut, some other bird-food-tasting grains like kamut, oats, apples and oranges and some other veggies, along with cow's milk, eggs, and turkey. Time to find out how awful homemade millet and buckwheat bread is.
Friday, January 1, 2010
1 BW To Go... and it's you, JB!
I can't even begin to explain how very excited I am for All You Who Hope!!!
Right before I heard about her news, I was thinking about her and her husband, R. I was thinking that they have been waiting so long, and it just doesn't seem fair. I was thinking of another friend, Grace in My Heart, who recently had an adoption come as if out of the sky into her and her husband's laps. And eventually my thoughts merged into a very strong feeling. "AYWH is going to have an adoption just like that! She's going to get a call that a baby has already been born. And it's probably going to be soon."
Not an hour later, I got the text from Sew that this post had just been published!!
Through the excitement of the past few days, my mind again began to wander, and to ponder the amazing work of God. It seems that now in retrospect, more than ever, I am able to see just how much He has been moving things into place amongst all of us in a short period of time.
And then of course, I fell for a brief moment into the "self-defeatist infertile" why-me attitude. Sure, things are looking great for this treatment cycle, but it's just that. A treatment cycle. Of which I've had MANY in the past. And all have failed.
And just at that moment when I was about to get depressed, I remembered something crucial. My prayer to St. Gianna.
When I met up with AYWH (the day I first met her) at last year's St. Gianna Feast Day Mass at her shrine in PA, I made a fervent plea during the Holy Eucharist. I asked St. Gianna to please take this cross from me and my friends (thinking specifically of my blogging friends), and that I would offer to carry the cross for my friends if it meant we could all eventually become mothers. I told St. Gianna I didn't mind doing that, and that I felt I was up to the challenge to carry and embrace that cross for a longer period of time.
Not even a few days later, Life in Mazes became a mother again. Unfortunately, an ectopic pg resulted, but praise God that her life was saved and that she has two glorious heirs to the kingdom of heaven now awaiting her arrival! (I believe Peace of Christ also got her 1st BFP shortly thereafter...?)
And then St. Gianna apparently went to work on the rest of you. Of course, not every single blog friend of mine has had a pregnancy or an adoption since that time... BUT, amongst the 8 of us who met up for Barren Wives' Weekend in early August, here's what has transpired:
Sew Infertile became a mother to a beautiful child in heaven after almost 4 years of infertility; she is now THISCLOSE to beginning her amazing journey with Foster Care.
Living Advent is now more than halfway through a pregnancy which began in August.
Finding Joy in Every Journey, having never ONCE conceived in 5 years of TTC, is well into her 2nd trimester.
Life Hopes had TWO b-moms choose her profile, and after much prayer, was matched with her daughter, due Jan. 13th.
Fertile Thoughts is newly pregnant with outstanding hCG levels and progesterone levels.
All You Who Hope may be going to pick up HER BABY GIRL very, very soon.
The only 2 BWs left from that weekend get-together are myself and JellyBelly (Frustrated Musings...)
I stand in awe. I remember that weekend vividly, and all of us discussing so openly and candidly our raw emotions from infertility. It felt, at the time, that we would be infertile for years to come. Sure, there was some hope, and we all encouraged one another to pursue one avenue or another, but after so many years, we all felt like we were stuck in our current predicament. And we wondered, were we always meant to meet each other and become friends (which never would have happened without our infertility)?
So, it appears as if St. Gianna has taken me up on my sacrificial prayer offering after all! It has been EIGHT MONTHS since April '09. Of course, that feels like an eternity when you're in it, but looking back, wow, that was not much time at all!!
In that interim, I have had our adoption door slammed in our face not once, but twice. We were unable to continue our Home Study, and still may not be able to continue with it (pending our meeting with the agency branch director Jan. 11th).
We have discovered that my MTHFR dx is much more serious than we originally were told by several Drs, and that, in fact, I was PHYSICALLY UNABLE to implant. Whether or not I was conceiving, impossible to prove. But I would never, ever be able to implant without twice daily injections of Lovenox (at least).
And, of course, our financial situation is constantly a swinging pendulum. We still live in the apartment attached to DH's parents' house, and DH's payment situation has been no better.
But if this was the cross I was meant to bear so that my friends could experience all of those wonderful things - well, I don't mind it one bit! In fact, I now feel silly for having complained so much about all of those hardships, when they were exactly what I had prayed so hard for!!
So, JellyBelly... I seriously hope you jump on this wagon soon!! Not only because I would love nothing MORE than to see each and every 1 of the 8 BWs as mothers, but because as I said to Sew... I'm ready to give up the cross and have 2010 be the year I become a mommy, too!!
Right before I heard about her news, I was thinking about her and her husband, R. I was thinking that they have been waiting so long, and it just doesn't seem fair. I was thinking of another friend, Grace in My Heart, who recently had an adoption come as if out of the sky into her and her husband's laps. And eventually my thoughts merged into a very strong feeling. "AYWH is going to have an adoption just like that! She's going to get a call that a baby has already been born. And it's probably going to be soon."
Not an hour later, I got the text from Sew that this post had just been published!!
Through the excitement of the past few days, my mind again began to wander, and to ponder the amazing work of God. It seems that now in retrospect, more than ever, I am able to see just how much He has been moving things into place amongst all of us in a short period of time.
And then of course, I fell for a brief moment into the "self-defeatist infertile" why-me attitude. Sure, things are looking great for this treatment cycle, but it's just that. A treatment cycle. Of which I've had MANY in the past. And all have failed.
And just at that moment when I was about to get depressed, I remembered something crucial. My prayer to St. Gianna.
When I met up with AYWH (the day I first met her) at last year's St. Gianna Feast Day Mass at her shrine in PA, I made a fervent plea during the Holy Eucharist. I asked St. Gianna to please take this cross from me and my friends (thinking specifically of my blogging friends), and that I would offer to carry the cross for my friends if it meant we could all eventually become mothers. I told St. Gianna I didn't mind doing that, and that I felt I was up to the challenge to carry and embrace that cross for a longer period of time.
Not even a few days later, Life in Mazes became a mother again. Unfortunately, an ectopic pg resulted, but praise God that her life was saved and that she has two glorious heirs to the kingdom of heaven now awaiting her arrival! (I believe Peace of Christ also got her 1st BFP shortly thereafter...?)
And then St. Gianna apparently went to work on the rest of you. Of course, not every single blog friend of mine has had a pregnancy or an adoption since that time... BUT, amongst the 8 of us who met up for Barren Wives' Weekend in early August, here's what has transpired:
Sew Infertile became a mother to a beautiful child in heaven after almost 4 years of infertility; she is now THISCLOSE to beginning her amazing journey with Foster Care.
Living Advent is now more than halfway through a pregnancy which began in August.
Finding Joy in Every Journey, having never ONCE conceived in 5 years of TTC, is well into her 2nd trimester.
Life Hopes had TWO b-moms choose her profile, and after much prayer, was matched with her daughter, due Jan. 13th.
Fertile Thoughts is newly pregnant with outstanding hCG levels and progesterone levels.
All You Who Hope may be going to pick up HER BABY GIRL very, very soon.
The only 2 BWs left from that weekend get-together are myself and JellyBelly (Frustrated Musings...)
I stand in awe. I remember that weekend vividly, and all of us discussing so openly and candidly our raw emotions from infertility. It felt, at the time, that we would be infertile for years to come. Sure, there was some hope, and we all encouraged one another to pursue one avenue or another, but after so many years, we all felt like we were stuck in our current predicament. And we wondered, were we always meant to meet each other and become friends (which never would have happened without our infertility)?
So, it appears as if St. Gianna has taken me up on my sacrificial prayer offering after all! It has been EIGHT MONTHS since April '09. Of course, that feels like an eternity when you're in it, but looking back, wow, that was not much time at all!!
In that interim, I have had our adoption door slammed in our face not once, but twice. We were unable to continue our Home Study, and still may not be able to continue with it (pending our meeting with the agency branch director Jan. 11th).
We have discovered that my MTHFR dx is much more serious than we originally were told by several Drs, and that, in fact, I was PHYSICALLY UNABLE to implant. Whether or not I was conceiving, impossible to prove. But I would never, ever be able to implant without twice daily injections of Lovenox (at least).
And, of course, our financial situation is constantly a swinging pendulum. We still live in the apartment attached to DH's parents' house, and DH's payment situation has been no better.
But if this was the cross I was meant to bear so that my friends could experience all of those wonderful things - well, I don't mind it one bit! In fact, I now feel silly for having complained so much about all of those hardships, when they were exactly what I had prayed so hard for!!
So, JellyBelly... I seriously hope you jump on this wagon soon!! Not only because I would love nothing MORE than to see each and every 1 of the 8 BWs as mothers, but because as I said to Sew... I'm ready to give up the cross and have 2010 be the year I become a mommy, too!!
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