Friday, December 10, 2010

What's in Store

This has been a rough year. I realize I've said that every December that I've been infertile... but this year really tops the cake. I REFUSE to do a "Year in Review" for this year, because reading it all in one fell swoop may push me over the edge and put me in a strait jacket. Seriously. I am lucky to have survived.

Amidst the suffering there were a ton of blessings, and I will not overlook those. My new career in ultrasound has really picked up, and I'm now working 3 jobs (2 in ultrasound, 1 in FertilityCare), and have just been approached for 2 MORE ultrasound positions! One is for a new NaPro physician in my State, and the other is for the local crisis pregnancy center. Unless I stop eating and sleeping I don't think I'll be able to work 5 jobs, I barely am able to manage now... but nonetheless it is remarkable how very blessed I am to have these opportunities in this economy.

The financial compensation of my jobs are certainly a big blessing, but the biggest blessing has been that I've been too busy to stop and think about my childlessness. I have entered a new phase of my life, where I am concentrating on career and soon, hopefully, house renovations... but deep down, when I have some free time to get on the blogs and write on my own, I recognize the old familiar yearning that has never disappeared. My desire for children is ever-present. It's just not in the spot light anymore.

In thinking ahead to the upcoming year, I wonder what God has in store for me. This Christmas most of the IF blog community will be celebrating with their babies... and one whole year from now, I still won't have any (unless by miracle of conception within 3 months). A very unlikely possibility, given that my stool sample results came back with all kinds of wonky problems that I don't understand. Just when I think I'm getting healthier, too. Dr D. in California wants me to make an actual phone appointment to review all the results because, and I quote, my "case is getting too complicated" and she thought she'd be able to just give me some suggestions in the beginning ;) Ohhhh, the poor lady, little did she know I may just be THE MOST COMPLICATED CASE in the United States of America. Really. I challenge you to find one more complicated.

Oh, great, and now I'm crying. This is why I generally refrain from writing blog posts about my infertility and inability to adopt, especially when my period is looming... ;)

But I'm trying my darndest not to bring this bitterness and utter sadness to Christmas. And I'm trying to offer it for the intentions of my Prayer Buddy.

I wish my godbaby lived close, I would be there in a heartbeat... she'd make everything better :)

24 comments:

Thankful said...

~Hugs~ At least you are making your doctor work for her money. Hopefully you get to meet your new goddaughter soon!

More Than Anything said...

I pray next year will be YOUR year! That little goddaughter of yours would make anyone feel better! She is precious!

prayerfuljourney said...

I loved it when you stated that the job is keeping you busy and focused however when you blog or have some free quiet moments...the pain of IF seems to creep back into your mind. I know that all to well myself. Geesh..there were times I'd be teaching a lesson and out of the blue..IF thoughts would pop up in my head. I'd dismiss the thoughts quickly...but they were there. Praying that dr in Cali can give you some answers.

Trust me...you are not the most complicated case in the U.S. I know of someone who has a gambat of things going on..she has one child through I.V.F. but whew she has a caseload of issues...and too boot...her dh is not a pillar of health either.

LifeHopes said...

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I feel like you are on the verge of major breakthrough in each of the areas of your life that you desire it. I have been praying so fervently for you, and believe this with every bone in my body when I pray. Okay now I sound like my own mother, when she was praying for me. I HATED to hear it. A, If I could do ANYTHING to bring that day faster, I would. In the meantime, I am praying also that He will continue to sustain you.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I have to second LifeHopes on that. Breakthroughs are coming....

mrsblondies said...

I hope your CA doctor can help to you be more healthy and that LH is right about you being on the verge of some major breakthroughs. Praying for you.

barbie said...

I sound the same every comment, but I'm praying for you. I'm praying SO HARD for you! I hope a light shines through soon.(hugs)

Tridentine Wife said...

Congratulations on all of the job offers and I'm here praying for you still!

Amazing Life said...

I agree with Lifehopes and Leila! I beleive that there are many beautiful days ahead! Our prayers surround you - and I thought I was the most complicated case in the world!!!

Congratulations on the awesome ministry of your ultrasound work!! God is using you in a mighty and HOLY way right now!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I have hope for you yet! Let's chuck 2010 to the curb, it sucked for me too. Let's ring in 2011 with hope! It is great that you are focusing on blessings and I'm really glad your career is going so well!! :)

Faith makes things possible said...

Praying for you!

callmemama said...

I'm always thinking of you and praying for you. I really hope parenthood will come to you in some way, shape or form in this next year you, of all people, deserve to be a mom!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I second Hebrew's comment - kick 2010 to the curb (well, I hope the closing goes well, so that would be a good thing to end 2010 or a positive pregnancy test, I think that could possibly redeem 2010)! Anyway, you are in my prayers, I think of you often and hope you are blessed in 2011!

the misfit said...

You've definitely been put through the wringer of late. I was going to call it "the new martyrdom," but in your case I think it's a lot closer to the old martyrdom.

It does seem like everyone is celebrating with their babies (and on more philosophical days, like today, I have to admit that if no one ever crossed over, I would be even more hopeless), but there is still a decent number of us who are waiting...to find out what comes next in life.

And, lastly: I have a feeling this will sound weird, but I'm excited to hear that your stool sample results came back (I told you - weird), and I can't wait to hear what the doctor explains about the results. It seems like IF treatment has been the process of unraveling an intricate mystery for you, and who knows when that last piece of the puzzle will fall into place? I know, it's easy to get your hopes up when it's someone else. But I AM hopeful for you.

Blessed Advent...

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Some good has to come from shipping your poo, right? I can't wait to hear what she has to say.

There's no doubt you've been handed the shortest stick this year. I'm praying for you.

Second Chances said...

Me too - keeping you in prayer :)

JellyBelly said...

2010 needs a good swift kick out the door!

I know that I'm echoing the sentiments of the others, but I have a sneaking suspicion that 2011 is going to be a big year for us! Father Mike couldn't have been wrong!

Julie said...

I am so sorry for your saddness. I do understand and went through 9 Decembers childless. I am praying for you and your miracle! With God, all things are possible! Have faith and then step back and see where He takes you in 2011!

The Comeaus said...

I wish I could give you a hug.

For my husband and me, 2010 has been the most difficult, most disappointing, most painful year. It seems to be the same for a lot of people.

Every two months, there's a new baby around. I can hardly stand it the pain this causes, but I am going against all my feelings to be truly happy for them. Sometimes I think that this suffering is more beneficial (at least at this phase of my life) than having another child would be. Does that sound too weird? I mean, I'm learning so much about depending on my will, rather than my feelings, that I have reached the point of being grateful for this heartache.

But, oh, the pain never goes away.

It seems that getting to the heart of your physical problems is a long, hard road, but that is part of the process. Let's hope that healing is in store for you, even if it takes a lot of work! You're very brave to confront the problem; I do not have a tenth of that courage about my health.

My husband and I are praying a novena to St. Philomena for you and all other infertile women who refuse immoral treatment options. We're not just praying for you to somehow have the child you long for, but also to be upheld in grace in the meantime.

I only know you through your blog, but I really have come to love you. I pray for you so much.

Elizabeth

surpriseofunfolding said...

Sending you virtual hugs (()) For many of us, 2010 has been a really hard year.

I agree that to have news on the stool sample is actually good, as there may be things you can do to address underlying issues ... which could then make 2011 a wonderful year.

You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Andie

Fertile Thoughts said...

I think if your godbaby were with you she would give you the hug you need right now :) I am praying for you!!!!xoxoxox

Erin said...

I am in such awe of how in demand you are as an u/s tech. I truly believe that when you follow God's call, He fullfills. :)

I know that my career really helped me through some very tough years. It didn't erase those IF feelings, but did provide a nice distraction and focus in a different area. It was good for me, as I feel this new focus is good for you, too.

You have done some amazing work this year. You have much to be proud of!

I second everyone else, can't wait to hear what your poo says about you!

Sissy said...

Several years ago, I thought, "this will be the last year of just the two of us on the Christmas card" and that has not been the case at all! I'm there with ya!

Angelique said...

Thank you for your blog. I tried looking for your email on there to contact you but I couldn't find it so I figured I would leave a comment.

My friend sent me your blog and I was reading your treatment history and wanted to know what supplements your husband took. My husband has been diagnosed with motility issues as well, but has not been given any good treatment options.

I appreciate your help. Please reply to carmenchu3[at]aol.com

Praying 2011 is better!