Monday, December 20, 2010

I Didn't Know I Wasn't Pregnant

My period was due Thursday. By Friday evening, I still didn't have any spotting, and began to wonder... could it be?

Saturday morning (3rd day late), I was at my NaPro Dr's office and asked her to run a blood test. My home pregnancy test was negative. All day long I expected to see some brown staining, which I always get before my period starts. For a couple of days I had felt mild cramping low in my pelvis, lasting only a few seconds each time, and then they stopped. My breasts were no longer tender like they normally are up until the night before AF. I was "going" to the bathroom like clockwork (and am usually a bit constipated up until the day she shows), and my skin was clearer than ever (while I tend to get the "warning" pimple right before my period).

I also knew exactly when I ovulated, and I knew THAT I ovulated and didn't form a cyst, because on day 15 of my cycle, I, yes, wanded myself and saw a very obvious corpus luteum on the left ovary (where I had seen a mature follicle two days earlier).

All signs, except the most obvious one on the home pregnancy test, were pointing to Pregnant.

Saturday night I prayed to every Saint I've ever prayed to, and then some. I touched my prayer cards to St Gianna and St Gerard, and asked them to please step up the prayers for me now more than ever. I put on the healing oil of Archangel Raphael (my Patron Saint 2010, the Saint of healing, and whose oil my grandmother had amongst her belongings and then I received when she passed away). I told St Therese that I was still waiting for her to send me a sign (a red rose) in response to my last Novena, and I pleaded with my Grandmother (named Rose) to keep praying as hard as she could on my behalf. I even prayed to little Andrew, the 3 year old boy martyred recently in Baghdad while at Mass, and asked him to pray that life was in my womb. I pulled out all the stops. I think the reason I prayed so hard was because I knew what the implications would be if I wasn't pregnant. I knew it was too late to not let myself "go there," because my post-Peak (luteal) phases are like clockwork, and even though I had tried a new compounded form of progesterone this cycle, I had taken the last pill Monday night. I have NEVER gone past P+15 before. Never. Not on progesterone injections, not on hCG, not on prometrium. Never. If tomorrow my period didn't arrive, it would be P+18. I knew what that meant.

Sunday morning I woke up and still there was no sign of AF. At this point, I told DH I was near positive I was pregnant, and that my body just wasn't producing enough hCG in the urine. (I'd read several stories online of women whose home pregnancy tests weren't positive until the 5th or 6th week, and some even later than that.) Of course, the whole time I was thinking and saying these things, I was looking at it from a purely scientific standpoint: the facts all pointed to one thing and one thing only. I was pregnant. But any time I tried to wrap my mind around the emotional fact that I could be pregnant,... well,... I just couldn't think about it. It scared me near to death.

As DH and I got ready for Mass, we talked about how next Christmas, we would have a baby. It brought us to tears. We would be able to tell my family this Christmas Eve, just like I had always dreamed!! I told him, "Maybe we shouldn't get our hopes up until we get that final confirmation from the blood test," but then I quickly changed my mind and said, "You know what? If I'm not pregnant, at least we can enjoy these few days of pretending we are, because we may never get this opportunity again." And so, I let myself go there. I was pregnant.

Mass was beautiful. The readings were ironically apropos, addressing the fact that God sends "signs" on His time, and the homily spoke of the fact that signs are not given to strengthen our faith but rather to show us that our faith is already strong. We should not rely on signs but accept them as they come. I smiled at DH, because we knew God was telling us we didn't NEED the "positive" sign of the home pregnancy test to inform us of what we already knew in our hearts. We were pregnant.

As I went up to receive, I almost couldn't handle the enormousness of it all. I was talking inwardly to my child, saying, "You just came from God, and now He is going to be with you again as we join Him in Holy Communion." It was unbearable, the joy in my heart... I almost burst.

After Mass, DH drove me to the Dr's office for a quick ultrasound I had to perform on a patient who was getting the NaPro follicle series done. We arrived early, and for some silly reason, I decided to start a fight with DH. It wasn't a huge fight, but enough to make us both upset. I went in to do the ultrasound, and DH drove down the road to Dunkin' Donuts to get a hot tea.

When I came out of the appointment, DH was waiting for me in the parking lot, and when I opened the passenger's door, there in my seat was a long-stemmed red rose. He told me it was because we had fought, and he was sorry (even though it was my fault!), and I kissed and thanked him.

Three minutes down the road I burst into tears. A red rose!! St. Therese! My grandmother!

DH looked at me worriedly. "What is it??!"

"Honey," I looked up at him through my tears. "We're pregnant."

I told him about my prayers, and he got goosebumps. The remainder of the day was all at once nothing special, and yet perhaps the best day of my life.

This morning I awoke bright and early to go to the lab for follow-up bloodwork. Convinced now more than ever, P+19 and NO BLEEDING, this. was. really. happening. To. ME! While I was handing in my insurance card at the lab, I saw my phone ringing. It was the Dr. I had to let it go to voicemail, but as soon as I got in the room to get my blood drawn, I checked the message quickly before the tech came in.

"TCIE, I wish I was calling with better news. Your blood work from Saturday was negative for hCG. Your progesterone was 6 and your estradiol was 32. Usually patients will not get their period until the progesterone has dropped below 3. I suppose the compounded progesterone worked really well for you... I'm sorry. I'll see you later today."

What happened next is a blur. I know I got my blood taken, but who did it, in what arm, and what I may have said, if anything, I have no idea. When I got back into my car I called DH, and had to then hear him burst into tears. My husband. My life. Broken. It sent me over the edge.

I have no idea how I got home, but I did, and I crawled into bed, with DH by my side.
I remember him saying, "Why did this have to happen NOW? We were happy with the house about to come through..."

At that, I felt a hot tear drop from my lower eyelid and run down my cheek to my pillow. I'm not sure if DH saw it or not, but as if in response to the tear, he mumbled to himself, "Oh, who am I kidding. I don't give a sh*t about the house..."

For a couple of hours I fell back asleep. And when I woke up to go in to work at the Dr's office, I was greeted by my period.


I haven't yet made sense of this. Usually I would wait to post about the details of something horrible happening, until I could at least make a little bit of sense of it. The only thing I can think is that this year, this CRAP-FILLED year (excuse my french), did not want to be outdone, so it sent one more huge zinger our way to make sure we have absolutely NO fond memories of 2010.

I know that negative pregnancy tests, and getting your period are nothing new for the infertile gal. It happens all the time. But I was prepared for this Christmas to be once again a childless one (within or outside the womb). I was prepared. What I was not prepared for was this - this - I don't even know what to call it. Just pure cruelty. Really, I can't think of anything more cruel to happen to an infertile couple who CAN'T ADOPT. And to see my husband so affected by it? I'm about ready to lose it. No. Wait. I already have.

I have no strength left in me. My head is pounding. I don't know what to do with myself.

Please pray for my husband. Without him and his strength, I can't go on.

67 comments:

Kerry said...

my heart was pounding so hard while reading that.
I am so sorry.
You are in my prayers.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Oh, TCIE. I'm just heartbroken for you both. You and your DH are in our prayers.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I can only hope that you feel the love that is surrounding you. I am so sorry.

Living Advent said...

Oh TCIE, I got so excited and then my heart broke for you. I'm so sorry. I'm pretty pissed at God for you. Why this week of all weeks? You and DH are in my prayers.

big sky said...

Please know you are in my prayers tonight.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry. Praying for you so hard. I really hope 2011 is better.

Cathy said...

I'm so sorry.
:(

C. said...

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve all this!

:(

Karen said...

I am so sorry! You are in my prayers!

More Than Anything said...

Well dammit! I was about to piss my pants.

I'm so sorry. You and your DH are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sad for you.

Tridentine Wife said...

Oh gosh I am so sorry, my heart is breaking for you and dh having to go through such a horrible string of emotions. I will pray for you tonight during our rosary. Leila is right, love is surrounding you right now. If you can't get through, we will pull you through with our prayers and words of support.

Joy said...

No words, just hugs and prayers!

matchingmoonheads said...

i was about to piss my pants too...i read the title incorrectly and only realized it half-way through...

there is nothing more painful than really sincerely hoping and thinking that you're pregnant and then experiencing that drop after wards when you realize it was all in your head. this happened to me once about a year ago and only lasted like 2 hours, but the drop was so painful that i can still taste it.

i can't imagine how hard this hurt after days of thinking you were pregnant. i wish a collective hug would be good enough to make it better and take the pain away but, it never does.

praying for your husband and you.

Patiently Waiting said...

Thinking of you and praying for you always.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Like Matching Moonheads I read the title incorrectly as well and it was a cruel irony when I realized that I had done so. Oh TCIE, I am so very sorry. Darn progesterone! You are darned if you do and darned if you don't. I will be praying for you tonight.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh, the progesterone comment wasn't aimed at you in particular - I am on it too. I just am upset that what should be an aid, turned out to be a instrument of cruelty...in a sense. (Hugs)

Beth Rutter said...

I too read the title wrong and was instantly in tears for you, tears of joy. Then I realized and the tears came again, so many tears of pain for you because I know what that pain feels like.

It's one thing to not be able to conceive and feel the pain in your own heart. It's a whole other thing to know how much pain it causes the ones you love, husbands, parents, friends.

I will continue to send you prayers and good thoughts, nothing eases this pain, nothing but know that there are people who don't even know you but love you because of the crosses that we both bear.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry. Continuing to pray, and continuing to hope.

Megan said...

TCIE, I am crying for you right now. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, and I have no words. I am just so sorry, and heart is breaking for you and your husband.
I am going to be praying my heart out for you!

God Alone Suffices said...

I also read the title wrong. I am so, so sorry TCIE. I don't know what to say. :(

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

My heart has never leapt out of my chest as high as did when I misread that title. This just sucks. St. Therese-you know how much I love you, but you have some explaining to do with this one!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

My heart breaks for you. I really don't know why all this is happening. I am praying for you so much.

Erin said...

Oh no!!! This is so awful, I am so sorry you had to go through this! Your body is totally being mean to you, so.not.fair.

But, I do think this is a sign, DON'T GIVE UP! I had a very similar experience around Easter before we conceived.

I think that is great how your body responded to the progesterone, what the heck was that stuff? I might need it someday.

I am still praying for you every night.

Faith makes things possible said...

I'm am so sorry. I wish I had something encouraging to say but the fact is....this is horrible.

My dh and I are praying specifically for you and your dh tonight while we go to adoration.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

allyouwhohope said...

I'm so sorry. I also misread the title and quickly jumped to the end of the post to confirm the good news only to read the bad news. Ugh. I'm sorry you had to go through that. But hopefully it is a good sign that the progesterone worked so well? Praying for peace for you this Christmas.

Mary said...

Ditto to Megan.
And my husband and I are both praying for you ...I am offering up all pain for you right now. I hope it works. Ugh how I wish I could do something for you. I will do the only thing I can and pray!

CM said...

Praying for you both!

prayerfuljourney said...

I really don't have any words to express what I felt reading your post....I was hoping like everyone else.

If it helps...I would have reacted the same way. Aren't we told that p + 17 is pregnant? Was there some fine print somewhere that says "Unless you are on progesterone..blah..blah..blah."

Your comment on one of my lasts posts was so sweet...and I feel the same for you...your day will come. I'm praying for you TCIE. Thanks for sharing such a touching and emotional story. God Bless.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

I have tears in my eyes for all that you have had to endure. Such a beautiful soul having to go through so much. I will continue to pray for you and your DH.

Chasing said...

I am so sorry. You are always in my prayers. Especially now.

Beth said...

Oh I'm SO sorry!!! I'll pray for you extra hard tonight :(

The Comeaus said...

I think I stopped breathing when I, too, read the title wrong.

TCIE, CLING! I think you can rejoice in this beautiful sign from the Little Flower. I feel your agony through every word you write, but believe now more than ever that God IS with you and will see this through until the very end. Your priest said something beautiful (I never saw it that way, and it makes so much sense) about signs and what they truly mean. Hang on to your faith and God's reassurance through this rose that things will be okay.

My husband and I just finished a novena to St. Philomena for you yesterday evening, obviously not knowing all this was happening to you.

Reading about your rose made me want to burst into tears, too. I believe, though I have no real right to say so, that this was absolutely St. Therese's wonderful answer to you. She just works like that! The result is so far from what you hoped for, but she has communicated God's love to you and has shown you that she is at work, interceding for you both. That will continue. She is at work for you. This isn't over, obviously!

I don't want to say something upsetting, but I will share this just in case there is something in it that can give you a little extra hope. I know each story is different. Before our son was conceived, we received a rose from St. Therese on the very day my period began--the last period before he was conceived. It was, for us, a final test of faith. Later, we received another rose about a second child and had one, possibly two, miscarriages. The latest was this past August. It was early. We weren't using a test that month so I don't have any proof except what I saw my body do, so I am still half in denial and half grieving very much even now. But her rose did point to a child, even if that child is in heaven now. (I hope it's clear that we're not superstitious about these signs, but accept them gratefully when they do come.) The latest rose was so wonderful, and we are still waiting, but we know that God is at work.

My point is NOT to give you false hope that things will be just the way they were for us; everyone is so different. But it's just to say that you can trust these things when they happen; you can be grateful and hopeful that God is at work.

You had just posted about your frustration about "signs" happening to others and not you, and now you have had one yourself, it really seems, so if you can, try to see it not as 2010 ending badly, but ending with HOPE. This year just ended with the most beautiful sign for you, I really believe, and that is something you can cherish. No need to be mad at God, even if it is natural to lean that way...try to see this another way.

I suffered especially hard today from my own ordeal, and now I see you need extra prayers, so these sufferings are for you and your husband! And I'm not sorry about the length of this comment, for once! :)

Elizabeth

Sunshine said...

My heart skipped a beat when I incorrectly read the title. I am so sorry. This just stinks and it just kills me how sad your husband is which only makes it so much harder on you. There is nothing to say that can help so I'm sending you a big hug right now. Prayers, prayers, prayers coming your way, for you and your husband.

Shannon said...

sweet love. I went to Mass today and for some reason YOU came to mind when the Gospel was read "Nothing is impossible for God." I have just read this post, and oh, my heart breaks. Will continue to pray for you.

some how, some way, some day said...

I have tears pouring down my face. I can only hang my head and cry for you. I am so sorry.

Sarah said...

I read the title incorrectly and oh my, I was so excited I was teary and then devastated for you when I realized what happened. :( Praying for you.

the misfit said...

I'm so, so sorry. I had something similar happen a few months ago (my period later than it has ever been) but my cycles are not like clockwork and even though I let myself contemplate the possibility, I never really believed. It's so strange, because with those indications you had, or even the slimmer ones I had, ANYBODY else would be pregnant. If a friend called me and reported what you were experiencing, I could take that BFP to the bank. For IFers, it's not just the period every month - it's that even when we're pregnant, we're not pregnant. It's as if we lived in a different reality from everyone else - an ugly reality, in which women's bodies do not bear children, sex doesn't make babies, and all pregnancy tests come with only one line.

And I don't know how to say this or whether I should say it, but I am very much struck by the fact that you were able to believe. I don't know that I would have; maybe not even after a positive beta. I would believe my body was betraying me in some new way, that the doctors had underestimated how messed up I was, that God was again being cruel. You believed. And you were let down...that's very ugly and cruel. But you have a trusting heart - I don't. God bless you for it.

I guess I think it goes without saying that I am so, so sorry you are suffering so much.

Second Chances said...

I'm so sorry too. God bless your beautiful desire to have children and your love for life. Keeping you and DH in prayer.

surpriseofunfolding said...

So heartbreaking - I don't even know what to say. I am grieving with you and will lift you and your dh in my prayers.

I like the comment about how the rose is a sign of hope for the coming year. I don't know much about signs like that one, but I hope that she is right - and that 2011 will be a good year for you. Because right now, i can't even imagine the valley of despair you are probably in.

(((hugs)))

Xan said...

oh Sweetness, I'm so sorry I love you and am thinking of you and Mr TCIE, always

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

Oh TCIE...it's so beautiful that you hope! Prayers and blessings your way!

Lea said...

I have followed your blog for awhile, but this is my first time commenting. My heart broke for you as I read this post. O am so sorry. I know the great pain that comes from having hope crushed. I suffered five years of infertility before conceiving our miracle. I had finally hit rock bottom and during that time God had given me signs of hope i just didnt know what to make of them and then a few short months later I conceived for the first time! I can't help but think that something is in the works for you and the rose was a sign to hold on as difficult as it may be. I always pray for women in waiting, but I will pray for you specifically. May you feel peace!

barbie said...

Oh sweet TCIE, I misread the title and skipped to the end but I'm SO sorry at how cruelly you were disappointed. I just hate when every sign in there and you dare to hope only to have something like this happen. I'm so very sorry. Prayers for you are going up tonight, our arms are holding you up.

Little Old Me said...

You have my sympathy. The same thing happened to me over the summer - only I was 4 WEEKS late.

Miracle in the Making said...

Oh sweetie. *hugs* I cried through this entire post. I am saying many prayers for you both tonight. xoxo

doctorgianna said...

I was reading through that I just hoping, hoping for a good ending. Negative HPTs but still knowing that scientifically you could be pregnant....it's too bad we know too much, otherwise we wouldn't get our hopes up. I'm so sorry you have to deal with AF right now. Sorry this is such a non encouraging comment, but I'm just wallowing in your sorrow right now.

polkadot said...

That must be some good progesterone you took. :)

I am so so sorry that you had to go through this. I know words can't take away the pain you're feeling, but hang in there, okay? I would have been just as hopeful as you were in this situation. Reading your post brought me to tears. DH and I prayed the rosary for you tonight. I will continue to keep you and your DH in my prayers. I wish I could do more. A virtual hug will have to do. :) Just look above at how many people love you and are praying for you. You are not alone in this!!

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I'm so sorry, I am so heartbroken for you and your dh. I wish I had some more comforting words for you, or at least be able to just give you a hug. You are always in my prayers

Mrs. Mike said...

Oh TCIE...I was on the edge of my seat. Then I was devastated to read the end. And this of all weeks. Oh my heart! I am just grieving for you.

I have been *that* close a couple of times before too--even to the point of my NaPro doc calling me with my Peak +7 results to actually tell me to POAS. My heart is just broken for you. It feels like you've been dragged through the mud and then someone comes by and kicks dirt in your face.

Know you are loved. Know you are being lifted up in prayer.

motheringspirit said...

Praying so hard for you.

My Heart Exults... said...

I am soo sorry this has happened. Although I don't know exactly how you feel, I understand this type of misery. You will be in my prayers.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Oh no, I'm so very sorry.
Thinking of you.

Julie said...

I am so sad for you. Praying for you and your husband during this hard time.
I want to go on and on about having hope and not giving up and that the devil is trying to use this time to ruin your union with Christ this Christmas, but I know that you just need prayers right now...and maybe some big hugs!

Brit said...

I am so sorry TCIE. Praying for you right now.

Donna said...

My heart aches for you as I read this. You and your DH are in my prayers.

Carla said...

I sit with tears in my eyes...for a woman and man I have never met....praying for what seems to be an incomparable hurt and disappointment... I wish I could hug you, bring you dinner, scream at the sky with you...but I will pray with you and for you both and ask and beg "why?" with you both as well...

JellyBelly said...

I'm so sorry! I have no words, just prayers.

2010 needs outta here, and fast!

callmemama said...

I had to read the title several times to figure out what you were trying to say - I'm not the kind of person who likes to read ahead to the end to find out. But, by the time I got to the end of your post, I was so sad for you. It's not enough to have disappointments every month, but to have such a high hope just to have it dashed in your face...is just beyond unfair.
I hope it means that God is showing you that anything is possible and that you won't have to wait much longer for your true miracle...
So sorry :(

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I am so very sorry to hear about what you've been through. You will be in my prayers.

Thankful said...

TCIE - this makes me sick to my stomach with grief for you. I am so sorry.

St. Rita's Roses said...

I am soooo sorry too. Prog stinks! It sometimes makes you feel pregnant and other times prolongs AF! I am so sorry for the confusing sign from St. Therese...I love her and perhaps she was showering you with her love that you so need...Prayers.

CS said...

Oh that is just so sad! My prayers are with you too.

Jodi said...

I don't have any encouraging words. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, praying for you and if there is/was ANYTHING I could do to take that pain away and somehow allow you to fulfill this dream, I would do it in a heartbeat!

Brenda said...

Oh I was so hoping your post would end differently. I am holding you and DH in my prayers! Peace to you both.

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

I am heartbroken for you as I read this. I cried and cried. I read the title wrong and thought it was WAS pregnant. I was not prepared for the ending. I'm so so so sorry. I'm praying for you, friend.

Anonymous said...

You hoped and believed. That is remarkable, and it's a blessing. The rose is a powerful sign to continue hoping and believing. It's also a powerful (and obvious) sign that you have a good man by your side through this - don't lose sight of that. I love you both and will be praying very hard for you, and for what is in your future.

-Big Sis

Rose G. said...

I know this is an old post, but I just discovered your blog. What you wrote here is so similar to my experience of the past few days that I wanted to thank you for putting what I've been feeling today into words. My period was several days late (and I am very regular), slight amount of spotting which I was SURE was implantation spotting because there was nothing else (I usually start with very heavy bleeding), mild morning nausea - so many signs. I talked to my Creighton teacher, who said she was "very hopeful." My husband and I decided we would take a pregnancy test on March 19th, feast day of St. Joseph, who has been the special saint for our marriage, to confirm what I already "knew." The first test was negative, but I hadn't followed the directions very carefully, so I did it again. Negative again. I was convinced the test was wrong because it was a cheapie. So I went out and bought the expensive, brand-name, digital test. I planned to use it this morning when I woke up. Instead, I was greeted by the start of especially heavy bleeding. This is the first time in 2 1/2 years that I have even had the slightest indication that I might be pregnant. I had it all worked out so perfectly in my mind - we would find out on St. Joseph's Day, tell our families on Easter, and have a baby in our arms at Christmas. It feels like a horrible joke. I thought 2012 was a horrible year for us, and was hoping for something better in 2013, but so far this year has already been a whole series of bad news. I know in my head that God has a plan, but I don't like it!