Friday, November 26, 2010

In a "Blah" Place

I have been packing, very very slowly, but packing nonetheless, for the probable move in the near future, and thinking about how so much has changed and yet at the same time, nothing has really changed.

You see, a year ago this time I had just hosted a beautiful Thanksgiving that Martha Stewart herself would have been proud of. Because of the disarray of our apartment, and the fact that we were NOT in the house for Thanksgiving this year, we had it at my parents', and it was very low-key. It was nice to be around family, even though it wasn't my whole family (oldest sister was spending it with her boyfriend's parents). And I was certainly thankful for my faith and to give that thanks to God in a special way yesterday. But something was missing.

I look around at all of the blogs, at all of the new babies, growing families, and growing wombs, and the smiling faces of parents and children alike. And I realize that I still very much want that, and I want it now. Both DH and I are the youngest in our families, and our parents should be coming over to OUR house to spend time with their grandchildren on the holidays. We should NOT be at a holiday table without any children present. That is just sad. So very sad. My 13 year old niece was not even there, she was with her father.

I'm not in denial. I realize there is a very, very slim chance of my ever conceiving (I would say no chance, but I always leave room for God because all is possible in Him). And I also realize we are no closer, one year later, to getting out of the mess of not being able to adopt/foster. Motherhood is just not going to find its way into my life anytime soon, and children will continue to be the missing ingredient at all family gatherings in the forseeable future. It is a fact I have come to accept, but still manages to tug at my heart from time to time.

Naively, I believed that if I were in the house for Advent, I would preoccupy myself with renovations and decorations, and be able to ignore the "missing" part of my family during the traditionally most difficult time of the year for an infertile/childless couple. Now, I'm not so sure that will be possible. I still feel the peace of God's will, but I'm losing the joy little by little.

It's just so hard to think about the rest of my life without children. Generally I try not to let my thoughts go there, but the holidays seem to be forcing me to go there. And it brings me to tears... tears that are too familiar, tears that I had packed away, tears rooted in sadness but tears that soothe and calm as they fall. I know these tears. I am these tears.

Something tells me December will be a long month.

27 comments:

Tridentine Wife said...

Oh gosh I will say a prayer for you tonight to help you through a dark moment. I am so sorry you have to suffer through this and I wish that there was something that I could do. But I will continue to offer my prayers for you.

CM said...

The holidays are tough for me, too. I'll be praying for you!

barbie said...

The Holiday's are THE hardest time EVER for IF. The sadness is natural, it will always come until you have what you desire. I pray that a miracle happens soon, either by conception/foster or adoption and that you wont' have to see your future with no children in it. That is my wish and prayer for you. Always.

Chasing said...

I'm sorry.

Mary said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way.

Living Advent said...

Oh A, I've been thinking about you a lot today. I'm praying for you!

Megan said...

Hugs and prayers, hugs and prayers.

prayerfuljourney said...

I always try to remember to leave room for God too...when it comes to IF and my chances of ever having my own baby. You are right...anything is possible if it is His will.

Hoping you'll be decorating that new house for the Christmas season!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

:( :( :(

Life can turn on a dime and I am praying that happens for you! I am so sorry you are struggling. You are one of the best people I know.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Barbie said it best. The holidays are just the worst and that desire is always there.

Praying so hard for you. Always am.

Second Chances said...

I'm sorry too. Yucky. Praying for your pain to just go away.

Sew said...

I'm so sorry....It blows!

God is the only one to get you out of this situation and He is doing something big....

The Priest that married us told me in confession one time, You must be patient with God, He is planning eternity. It stuck with me....

I.hate.your.wv.

JellyBelly said...

The holidays are the worst!!! As I put up our Advent wreath last night I thought, "Another Christmas without a baby."

How sad is that?

It also doesn't help that for both sets of parents we are the only hope for grandchildren (I feel a post coming on...)!

You're not alone, my friend. I try to hold fast to Fr Mike's prayers for us, but it's tough, particularly at this time of year.

Complicated Life said...

I know. All of this is so stinkin' hard. It will just hit me all of a sudden, like these past few days at my in-laws house. Right now, we're they're only hope (since my brother in law isn't married and a practicing Catholic-so probably no surprise babies coming from him!) And they always see our friends coming home to visit their parents with tons of children in tow. Another aspect of the guilt...

I'm praying for you, everyday. God sometimes allows His joy to leave us for purification reasons (I know right, how much more can we all really handle??) Let's hope that whatever comes of all this, it brings us one step closer to eternity with Him. I know that is the only things that gets me through difficult days.

Sarah said...

Praying...

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

sorry, I'll be praying for you.

The Comeaus said...

When He does choose to act, God is going to do that for you at a time you would never expect.

Try not to fight your tears; you're right, they are meant to soothe and to open your heart up, with all its vulnerability, to God's healing. I've recently had a "conversion," a point where I am able to accept God's will with all my heart, and gladly, and it sure took a long time to get to this stage. But tears still come, and that is not something to be ashamed of. It doesn't mean you don't accept His will; it just means the cross makes its presence felt.

In confession last time, while talking about the sins that this cross is making me more prone to, the priest said, "Grieve, grieve as if it's a death, and when the frustration and grief are at their worst, intercede for other women going through it, because you *know* you're not the only one suffering this." I've already been praying for others (especially you) going through this, but since he said that to me, it means so much more.

I just want you to know that when I'm in tears myself, I'm praying for you.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Elizabeth...

you are so awesome. I heart you :)

My Heart Exults... said...

I am sorry for your sadness...this is tough. You are in my prayers.

the misfit said...

Yeah, I think it probably is.

Nicole said...

:-( I am sorry that you are having a tough time. I know all too well those feelings and I wish no one ever had/has to endure them. I know that one day you will be blessed with this awesome gift. I have to think that God is just taking his time to make him or her perfect in every way. In the mean time I send you the biggest hugs and lots of prayers during this difficult time.

mrsblondies said...

So sorry you are having a rough time. the holidays are definitely a hard and often in-your-face reminder of IF. Praying for you!

motheringspirit said...

The lines of this Advent hymn from Mass this morning reminded me of all the women struggling with IF - how to live through a season of hope and expectation when every gathering and party brings with it more painful reminders of what you don't have. I wish I had more comforting words for your struggles, but there is something in the lines of this hymn that speaks to waiting through sorrow and despair. I pray peace for you.

Birds, though you long have ceased to build,
Guard the nest that must be filled.
Even the hour when wings are frozen
God for fledging time has chosen.

Amazing Life said...

So sorry the holidays are so hurtful for you right now. If it is any consolation at all you remain in my prayers!

Sunshine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sunshine said...

I wish it didn't have to be so painful at this time of year! Prayers for you! I hope our Lord will give you the peace the world can't give you.

surpriseofunfolding said...

TCIE,
I am so sorry to hear of this gradual erosion of your peace. (((hugs))) I hope you will find your joy, and I hope that all will find a good resolution in the house / work situation you are in. And ... I hope that the path to parenthood will open before you, whatever form that takes for you and your dh.

I also have a favour to ask (please feel free to delete this or any part of the comment if you like). I was just reading at Complicated Life's blog and am so intrigued by how you described our desires versus our callings. I'm not sure I understand the difference, or how to tell the difference between these two. This may be a critical question for me right now as I am really struggling in my career (which I never anticipated).

If you have the time, energy, or inspiration to expand on this - or maybe provide some links where I can try to puzzle it out further - I would really appreciate it.

I agree that just because we deeply desire something, doesn't mean it will be granted us. But, if I understood correctly, you were saying that God will find a way to fulfill a calling. But how to know if it's a desire, a calling, from our hearts/society or from God ... I just don't know.

I hope you don't find this an imposition. Thank you for all you do!

Andie