I have been packing, very very slowly, but packing nonetheless, for the probable move in the near future, and thinking about how so much has changed and yet at the same time, nothing has really changed.
You see, a year ago this time I had just hosted a beautiful Thanksgiving that Martha Stewart herself would have been proud of. Because of the disarray of our apartment, and the fact that we were NOT in the house for Thanksgiving this year, we had it at my parents', and it was very low-key. It was nice to be around family, even though it wasn't my whole family (oldest sister was spending it with her boyfriend's parents). And I was certainly thankful for my faith and to give that thanks to God in a special way yesterday. But something was missing.
I look around at all of the blogs, at all of the new babies, growing families, and growing wombs, and the smiling faces of parents and children alike. And I realize that I still very much want that, and I want it now. Both DH and I are the youngest in our families, and our parents should be coming over to OUR house to spend time with their grandchildren on the holidays. We should NOT be at a holiday table without any children present. That is just sad. So very sad. My 13 year old niece was not even there, she was with her father.
I'm not in denial. I realize there is a very, very slim chance of my ever conceiving (I would say no chance, but I always leave room for God because all is possible in Him). And I also realize we are no closer, one year later, to getting out of the mess of not being able to adopt/foster. Motherhood is just not going to find its way into my life anytime soon, and children will continue to be the missing ingredient at all family gatherings in the forseeable future. It is a fact I have come to accept, but still manages to tug at my heart from time to time.
Naively, I believed that if I were in the house for Advent, I would preoccupy myself with renovations and decorations, and be able to ignore the "missing" part of my family during the traditionally most difficult time of the year for an infertile/childless couple. Now, I'm not so sure that will be possible. I still feel the peace of God's will, but I'm losing the joy little by little.
It's just so hard to think about the rest of my life without children. Generally I try not to let my thoughts go there, but the holidays seem to be forcing me to go there. And it brings me to tears... tears that are too familiar, tears that I had packed away, tears rooted in sadness but tears that soothe and calm as they fall. I know these tears. I am these tears.
Something tells me December will be a long month.