Sunday, October 17, 2010

Dreams

I am PMSing like nobody's business.

Bloated. Sore boobs. BITCHY. Headaches. Bitchy. Hot flashes. Did I mention bitchy?

I recently started weaning off all of my prescription meds. I wasn't on too many as of late, since I wasn't "gung-ho" trying, but I stopped my Naltrexone and Metformin. I was nervous to stop the Metformin, because a) I've been on for a while, and was convinced it was helping my ovulations, b) was told my Dr Kwak-Kim that I should ALWAYS be on Metformin due to the PAI-1 clotting mutation that I have (putting me at greater risk for diabetes in my future, which I also have increased risk for with PCOS), and c) I think I look at my Metformin as a crutch. I can say in theory that I'm not gung-ho trying to conceive, but as long as I'm taking my Metformin, I know I'll be "healthy" enough to do so should God want to throw me a curve ball.

But it was necessary I come off, because I needed to test my fasting glucose and insulin levels. I will be doing that some time this week. Then we'll see if I need to go back on Metformin.

Coming off Naltrexone wasn't nearly as difficult. It costs me $50 a month, so I was happy to save that... but I had forgotten how bad my PMS can be when I'm not taking it :( This REALLY sucks. A couple of days would be fine, but this has already been going on for several.

All that being said, I am eating much healthier lately, getting lots of protein and fiber. I am happy to report that I am visiting the restroom much more frequently :) It is glorious.

Oh, and possibly another PMS symptom (or perhaps just my subconscience going haywire) is the crazy dreams I've been having about the house lately. The first one was that DH and I snuck in to look around inside again, but then ran into the sellers, clearing out the attic rooms! I was mortified to be "caught" in the house we didn't own yet.

The second was much worse. Last night, I dreamt that the realtor contacted us and asked us to meet him at the house. I drove in my own car and DH met me there, but was running behind. When I got there, I sat down to speak with him, and heard other people walking around the house. Suddenly, a young woman came walking down the stairs, with two friends with her and her husband. And, wouldn't you know it, as she turned the corner the first thing I saw was her ginormous pregnant belly. She was looking at the banister saying, "... and this of course I would want to change..." to which her friend responded, "Oh, yeah, that is hideous, I would definitely change that." I started freaking out, and called DH. He showed up shortly after, and the preggo and her people all filed out together after touring the basement.

As soon as they left, DH asked the realtor, in not so many words, what the bleep was going on?!?!?! He responded that this couple was interested in the house, too, and that until closing they were able to look at it. I knew the closing (in the dream) was only a couple weeks away, so I said, "Oh, sure, but what are the odds that they will even make an offer? And even if they did, they couldn't get a mortgage and everything by the time we're ready to close, right?" He just shook his head and said, "Well, they actually came to look at the house first in August, and now they have come back expressing great interest in it. I believe they're already mortgage approved." We. were. livid!!! (Of course this couldn't happen in reality, we are long done with attorney review and no other offers can be accepted. But I was asleep and hallucinating, clearly.) I seriously was SO ticked!!! And of course I woke up hating the non-existent pregnant whore who was stealing my house away from me... not to mention her whore of a friend who dissed my beautiful Victorian banister.

Can you tell I'm still a little peeved? I was re-telling the dream to DH this afternoon and told him, "I can't believe she said that about the banister!!" and he just looked at me and replied, "You mean you can't believe YOU said it? It was your dream."

Um. Yeah.

Apparently this month's PMS symptoms also include insanity.

I'm somewhat concerned, however, that these are not PMS symptoms at all... I do not think I ovulated this cycle. But I DO know that I have a large hemorrhagic cyst on my right ovary :( I scanned myself transabdominally at work on CD 14 and saw what looked like a mature follicle on the right, though I didn't measure it. I was SO EXCITED! MY RIGHT OVARY!!! THE LAZY ONE! OUT OF RETIREMENT!! Finally, something was working correctly. But then the next day I decided to do the unmentionable and, a-hem, scan myself transvaginally. (It's actually not as difficult as it would sound!) The problem with the transabdominal scans is that you can't see detail of cysts - they all look simple and fluid-filled. So, dermoids, endometriomas, follicles, and corpus lutei all look exactly the same. Transvaginally, I measured a 3.75cm septated/debris-filled cyst (hemorrhagic, most likely) on my right. No sign anywhere, on that ovary or the left of a corpus luteum.

I was so disappointed. While I'm not gung-ho trying, it is still a huge disappointment when you can't rely on your body to perform its basic healthy functions. It truly is.

So, is this a functional cyst, secreting hormones and causing these PMS-like symptoms? Or, what the heck is going on?? I miss my Metformin :( It would seem that it was indeed helping me to ovulate normally.

I have an appointment with my NaPro Dr on the 26th. I'll keep you posted as to what her thoughts are on this whole situation.

17 comments:

Second Chances said...

Oh man, sorry about the crazy dreams! Those stink. Especially when they seem so real that they affect your moods. Hate that!

Hoping for a good cycle for you :)

How in the world do you scan yourself like that?! Amazing. But then again, you are superwoman!

Oh, and I'm emailing you...a little health question.

JellyBelly said...

I'm so scared to go off of Naltrexone! It was such a pain in the beginning cos I got headaches and some of the side effects. Btw, I pay about $90 for 100 pills, that's crazy that you're paying double!

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with PMS and crazy dreams!

Thankful said...

So sorry about the PMS - those are some crazy dreams! Hoping that your fasting glucose levels are great but that you can get back on the met. Way to do the unmentionable, too, you impress me, as always.

callmemama said...

I'm the queen of nutty dreams, so I totally get you there! Any time I'm stressed out, I'll have crazy-a$$ dreams that leave me upset even after I've woken up. Hubby just thinks it's ridiculous to get upset, but they are so real sometimes!

Sorry about the cyst :(. I haven't done my follow-up u/s yet (it's tomorrow), but am reluctant to, because I really don't want to find out that the endometrioma/cyst is still there.

Rachel said...

What a rough cycle. I didn't know Naltrexone helped with PMS. I have been on it for over 6 month now.
I also have crazy dreams which are part of the PMS package I get each month. It freaks the hell out of me too.
You are brave to stop two medications at the same time.
I wish I can also scan myself, I feel a cyst sitting on my right ovary.
Hope next cycle will be better for you.

LifeHopes said...

Loved this post! That dream sounds just like something I would dream up!!!

I don't really know (never did) what a hemmorrhagic cyst is exactly but I know they told me I had them quite a few times. Is it possible you caught your follicle in the process of rupturing and that is what the debris is?? Ahh ... just looking for some kind of a silver lining. Also, is it possible there is actually a follicle inside a hemorrhagic cyst or do "they" even know??

Said some very fervent prayers for you on Sunday and wanted to say how encouraged I was to read that you are still praying to conceive.

the misfit said...

Wait wait, what does Naltrexone do...?

Yeah, that dream is insane. But I definitely wake up angry at the people in my dreams plenty. And I am angry with this woman. Back away from the banister.

I totally understand your feeling about the ovulation. I just started using FF, and the darn thing never detects ovulation. After I (FINALLY) started having quasi-normal cycles again post-surgery, I know I have had an anovulatory cycle or two, but I know I ovulate sometimes and it irritates me profoundly when the internet refuses to acknowledge this. It's funny, I thought a "textbook" ovulatory chart was a mockery before, when I had them every month and it did me no good. But now that I don't always have them, even though I don't believe at any (rational) level that I could get pregnant, it upsets me a great deal that I'm not ovulating regularly! I am thinking that the principal side effect of IF (as well as PMS, apparently) is really insanity.

JellyBelly said...

Btw, how on God's green earth did you do an internal
ultrasound on yourself??? Are you double jointed or something!!!!!

Megan said...

Crazy dreams! I don't blame you for being bitter about the pregnant lady buying YOUR house! I think whore is the appropriate term ;)
Extremely impressed that you scanned yourself transvaginally! Quite the feat! :)
Praying for you that the next cycle is better!

Erin said...

That dreams sounds brutal! I have been having dreams about houses recently. I think that dreaming about pregnancy (not just your own) means that something is going to change in your life. :)

I love me some met, too. Sorry for the PMS, I hate it, too. I hope it is worth coming off for awhile and that you get some good info from your tests.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Sorry about the PMS. Praying for you!

Beth Rutter said...

I'm so glad I found you! Well your blog I guess I should say. We've been TTC for 2 years and doing NaPro/Creighton for 6 months. I feel utterly, completely hopeless though despite a wonderful dr.

While I hate we have this journey in common it's nice to know there are women out there that really do know what we're feeling.

And I agree, kudos to you for the self (inflicted) transvag US!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

hahaha....laughing at JellyBelly! That is exactly what I was thinking! That is pretty cool though that you have that job and can check your own self out.

Hope cycle goes well:)

Sunshine said...

At least you get to see Sew! She should cheer you up or at least make you forget your PMS (I hope!)

I am glad things are moving. That's a good sign that your body is heading in the right direction of healing.

Praying for you.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

This has nothign to do with your post...I just wanted to commiserate with someone who'll feel my pain over the Yankees losing.

And sorry about your weird dreams/cysts/PMS. :(

The Comeaus said...

I can't see any other way to contact you, so I'll just have to humble myself and write this here.

I feel I owe you an apology. After reading about your meltdown not long ago, I realized for the first time how insensitive I had been in telling you that St. Therese had sent my husband and me a sign that we would have another baby. I probably angered/hurt some other women here, too.

I was full of hope, and I only wanted to share that hope with someone else who might benefit from it. I saw that you were at a "good place" about infertility and I just wanted to use my own experience to share the message that God hears every one of our prayers and answers them in His own way, His own time.

I feel that sharing such a thing as I did was insensitive, and I feel I probably contributed in some way to your feelings during your meltdown, yet I assure you I had the very best intentions and would never have wanted to add to your grief.

So, please forgive me if I hurt you or added to your pain in this way. When we do conceive again, I wonder if I will even be able to tell you because I will feel so bad for you (I even pray pretty often that you will be pregnant at the same time so it won't hurt you!), but I promise that *if* I do mention it, I will be as sensitive as I can be. I know how these well-intentioned comments can be SO painful--I live with this, too--so I am very sorry I did it to you.

You know, with our son we could not conceive him until I had gone through quite a conversion of heart, and that seems to be the case with this next child we want so much, too. I've had to go through a ton of healing in my body and in my marriage; (secondary) infertility has taken its toll on us. That healing is happening so beautifully for us, and you say it is happening for you, too, so what I REALLY wanted to say was just to keep that hope alive and never let it die. I believe that in a good, holy marriage, the couple is cooperating with God and He will not send a child until the absolute perfect moment, even if that means a painful wait. He is working with you. This is what I truly meant to say.

Elizabeth

Jess said...

This post almost made me laugh a little out loud about your dreams. I also have very vivid dreams that seem like reality until I've been awake for a few hours. Yikes! I hope everything has gotten better since then for you!