Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Baby TCIE,

It's been a long time since I wrote you a letter. But I don't want you to think there has ever been a day that you have not crossed my mind. Even in this new stage of my life, as I am enveloped in God's love and peace, no longer full of anxiety, I still think of you often. I wonder if you are already living. I wonder when I'll get to meet you for the first time. I wonder what you look like. I wonder if you'll be blessed with siblings. I wonder how I can be the very best mother for you, and if I am equipped to handle that most important job.

Over four years ago, your father and I were married, and we hoped you would join our family shortly thereafter. But God had other plans for us. And He had other plans for you, too.

I just started working in ultrasound at my NaPro Dr's office. (Dr. J. I'm sure you'll meet her someday.) Today, I did an ultrasound for a woman who is trying to get pregnant, with multiple miscarriages in her recent past. She was telling me about her situation - she has 3 living children with her previous husband, but has not been able to maintain pregnancy with her current husband. She does not believe in using IVF, and hopes that NaPro can help her. I told her she had very good odds. I shared with her that I was also battling infertility, but have yet to conceive. She asked me how long, and if I was doing NaPro, too (I had to giggle inwardly when she asked that, as I have been a NaPro patient for 4 years in November). Then she asked me, "Isn't it hard for you to do this job, and see people have success?" The question took me by surprise. Not because I didn't understand it... but because I feel like my immediate reaction TODAY is so very different than it was two and three years ago. I answered honestly, "Not at all! I love to see life being created, and for those suffering from infertility to be able to overcome it! It's what lead me into this career."

She was, I think, really taken aback. She confided in me that she would honestly be very jealous, and finds herself jealous of people who get pregnant in her life now.

I know exactly what she means. Because I felt exactly that way. But not anymore.

It made me really happy for the rest of the day. I LOVE my job. I love that I can help people to achieve pregnancy, and help to show them how their bodies work. Every once in a while I do feel remorse that my own body does not work as well as those around me, I will admit. But understanding that bitterness and jealousy are no longer such active parts of my life has really made a difference for me, and my relationship with you. I am so, so content that when you come into my life, you will come to a completely healed mother. Emotionally and spiritually, that is.

Of course, there are scars. Just like after any battle fought, I have the battle wounds from my infertility, and they will be with me for life. When I sit and reflect on my desire for motherhood, those wounds open up again as if they are brand new. But these moments are seldom, thanks to the grace of God. Mostly, when I sit and reflect, I now focus on you and you alone. I don't worry about the hows and the whys, I don't question... I just trust. It took me a long time to get to this place, but I hope that someday when you are given a cross to carry that seems heavier than the weight of the world, you can find your strength in trusting God, too.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, I want you to know that I love you immensely.

Love,

Mom

26 comments:

Sew said...

I love you! Amen

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

Your growth is incredible.

Amazing Life said...

Your baby being received by a healed mother - what a gift!!!

Sending love and hugs your way!

JellyBelly said...

You are my hero.

I can't wait for the day when our kids can hang out in their Yankee gear. And the day will come, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Sarah said...

This is so, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I often wondered why God made us wait so long after our miscarriage to conceive again. But now, coming up on what would be my first baby's first birthday, and knowing that my daughter will come into the world in December, I can see that God made us wait 13 months because He knew that the baby I'm currently carrying needed a healed mother, one who could appreciate this baby for who she is, not as a replacement for the one I lost. It was a hard lesson to learn, but God's grace is so good.

I love your blog. :)

barbie said...

This is the most perfect letter ever.

I felt every word. As always, you are in my prayers.

Stacy said...

How loved and blessed your baby will be to have a mother such as you. This makes me want to cry and praise Jesus all at the same time. Thank you for sharing.

Jess said...

Your growth has really shown that God does not give us more than we can handle. You have gone above and beyond what He has given you.

Also, the thought you wrote that hit me personally was that the baby that I am meant to have may already be born. God has spoken to me and my husband about international adoption, and wow, how neat it is to consider the fact that 'our' child may be created already.

~Jess
http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

I need to print this to read each day. Every word touched my heart.

You have a gift with words and with them you were key, via your blog and the catholic IF group, in me going for treatment to Omaha and becoming a practitioner.

This letter and your letter after my miscarriage give me tremendous strenght and hope that my IF has a sense and are a witness that even if we do not have children right now we can be fertile.

Megan said...

You are amazing. :) I never get tired of telling you this! Your baby is one blessed kid. Praying for you!

Praying for Hope said...

I'm glad you've made it to this point and can feel at peace here and now.

Christina @ Faith for Fertility said...

I love this! I am so overjoyed that you have been able to reach this place and trust in God. I have tears of joy in my eyes this morning thanks to you! Thank you for sharing!

Baby TCIE - when you arrive you will have one of the most amazing mothers ever!

TCIE - I believe now that you have reached this level of trust you will soon receive a the most amazing gift. God Bless You!!

Erin said...

Beautiful. Your child will be so blessed to have you as a mother.

Sunshine said...

I am so happy for you that you have been able to reach where you are today & that you have been responsive to God's grace in your life. God bless you and your dear husband and the future children (however they may come to you) you will have when God desires. Thanks for your great witness and love of the Cross.

The Comeaus said...

Oh, I write to my not-yet-conceived (?) baby, too! What a wonderful thing for your little one to look back on when s/he becomes physically part of your life. This is so beautiful.

I just received the most beautiful response from St. Therese (this being the anniversary of her death, even though her feast day is tomorrow, we prayed a novena for another child, ending today). My husband and I have had to go through a lot of healing in our marriage and in our personal lives lately, which began a couple of months ago and has transformed us. I see now that God wants His babies to be conceived under the best circumstances and, when we cooperate with Him, goes to great lengths--even a long wait for the parents--to ensure that.

TCIE, I am praying my heart out for St. Therese to also bring God's blessings down on you and your husband, as we have been given a wonderful little promise today that a sibling for our little boy *is,* after all, in our future. When? I no longer care so much about that; I just want this baby to be welcomed into as happy and stable a situation as possible. God has not forgotten you, something He reminded me in my own situation last night during adoration. He is closer than we will ever know! God is healing you and He is healing me. Let's continue to allow Him to do His awesome work and keep on praying for these beloved babies already conceived in our hearts, expecting--as I read during adoration last night--EXTRAVAGANT answers from Him! He loves us.

Elizabeth

The Comeaus said...

Oh, and I agree with the others here that you can still conceive babies in your heart even if they come to you through adoption! That's where it all begins!

Miracle in the Making said...

this is so beautiful :hugs:

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

Praying for you always!

the misfit said...

I have so many thoughts in my head that they refuse to form a comment. But: I'm reading. Thank you for sharing this!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

I absolutely LOVE your attitude towards rejoicing with your patients. It is a testament to the work the Lord has and is doing on your heart. It is beautiful and encouraging!!! Blessings!!!

Nicole said...

WOW what an awesome post! It blows me away how far you've come in the short year I've been following your blog. Your growth is an inspiration.

E-mail me when you have a minute, I have some questions (being Methodist) regarding the catholic view of contraception and fertility treatments.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

How did I miss this?? This is so beautiful. I felt the peace emanating from the words on the screen. I am so certain that one day your sweet child will read those words.

Brittany said...

Absolutely beautiful!

Mary said...

Tears in my eyes here too! Ditto to what everyone else said! Ah so beautiful. You are wonderful. I wish that you lived here, I'd love for you to be my practitioner!!! What an awesome attitude you have. I can't get over it!

Trustful Surrender said...

This is so beautiful TCIE.

Little JoAnn said...

Just when I think you can't write anything more beautiful than one of your previous posts, I go to your blog, read, am breathless then weep. Oh my God, you are the most beautiful soul I have never met but feel so close to and BLESSED to encounter!!! Baby TCIE is so lucky to have you TCIE as Mommy! You are zooming past us on your road to Sancity and Sainthood. My goodness, you are so like the great Ones now; the Little Flower, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, St. John of the Cross... Pray for us TCIE! We NEED YOU!