Sunday, August 8, 2010

Good in Theory

... harder in practice.

This having faith in faith thing is pretty rough.

Last night I had a bout of the hysterics, thinking about my poor dog, Uzi, and how his final days were spent in the hallway (because he was vomiting LARGE amounts of liquid bile without warning). He would lay there the final two days and whimper at me to come over into the living room and be with me... just typing it out makes me cry again. If I had only known. No amount of puke on my rug and couch could have stopped me from hugging and loving that precious dog all day long.

And then of course, I began to wonder if I missed the obvious signs that he was dying. Am I a bad mother? Shouldn't I have known he was deathly ill?? Maybe I could have saved his life if I'd recognized it sooner?

OK, I have to stop writing about that because I am going to end up in a psychiatric hospital. Seriously, I was hyperventilating last night remembering my poor, sweet baby.

But in general, it has been tough for me to envision an end to this suffering. We (DH and I) have had an absolutely terrible year, and it didn't just start in January. The really horrible stuff began last June... and each passing month offers absolutely no reprieve. And if that isn't bad enough, I am seeing dear, faithful friends also suffering immensely, and it looks as though my prayers for THEM are not even heard.

Then I go to Mass today. And the readings are all about: FAITH.

My favorite, of course, being the 2nd reading, not just because it dealt with the first of the infertile couples in the Bible (Abraham and Sarah), but because it came from my favorite Book - Hebrews.

In the letter to the Hebrews, the author explains how Abraham had been promised by God that his descendants would number the stars. Abraham didn't question how or when, he just went with it and had FAITH that God would make it so. But there's more. Even after being blessed with a child in their old age, Abraham has a huge reason to doubt his faith in God, when he is asked to sacrifice his only son. (Now, how on EARTH are his descendants going to number the stars if he is supposed to kill his only offspring??) But again, Abraham shows massive faith in obeying the Lord, NOT QUESTIONING how or why.

It may seem now that all is lost in my life. We have been stuck in quicksand for what seems like forever, and our lives are spiraling out of control.

I need to believe and have faith: He WILL rescue us. Things WILL get better. They have to...

20 comments:

JellyBelly said...

I think that it's so funny that we were posting about similar things and we're so far away!

I'm so sorry that you're feeling guilty about Uzi. I know that you did everything that you could to help him. You're not a vet and there was no way for you to know that there was anything more serious wrong with him. St. Francis is taking care of him right now and I know that he forgives his mama.

Those readings this morning were like a bucket of cold water splashing me in the face! It's obvious that the Boss was trying to get through to us!

Can't wait to see you!

LifeHopes said...

I couldn't help but think of you this morning during those readings, A. I believe they were for YOU!

Having faith before it happens is NOT easy. We are believing for you, though, and alongside you, until that day comes.

Just reading about your dog makes me tear up. I cannot imagine how sad it must have all been. My dog (even though sometimes she is badly behaved) is seriously my baby. Always will be. Always by our sides in good times and bad ... he knew you loved him, I know he did!!

LifeHopes said...

And you, JB!

JellyBelly said...

Thanks LH! I <3 U!

Second Chances said...

Amen! They WILL. Even if your prayers seem unanswered, even if they ARE unanswered, at this time, know that God DOES hear you and knows the pain in your heart. For whatever reason, He permits the suffering. It will be for good. It will. Keep BELIEVING!

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I thought about your during the second reading today. And when I read a line from the Magnificat: "Blessed are those who live expecting the unexpected. By such faith we receive the power to generate new life."

Praying for you.

Brenda @ Life As We Know It said...

TCIE, I have not commented before or very often, but I catch up every now and then via sew's blog.

The last post of yours I read was the one about Faith and it raelly resonated with me.

Then our homily in Mass today made me think of YOU! Seems like a lot of other ladies were too:) I pray you know that you have not been forgotten and that all this sacrifice and tears will reap a great reward.

prayerfuljourney said...

I can only imagine the pain of losing a pet...my dh and I always joke about how our "son" has fur. He's part of our family and the cat just loves being with us. Our pets keep us sane...don't they?

I thought about the second reading too...I've heard it before and it has given me hope...but today it didn't do that for me...I guess I've given up hope for a family. I just sometimes would rather not think about it and just live my life for what I have now. When God calls me home ...I want to be ready. That's good that the reading still give you some hope. They should.

And you're right...the only way to go is up. Praying everything is reconciled soon for you and your dh.

Megan said...

Your thoughts about Uzi are heartbreaking, but you can't beat yourself up. Dogs love unconditionally, and as JB said, you are not a vet and couldn't have known.
I am lifting you up in prayer, and I am praying that God will give you peace as you grow in faith.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

To echo the theme here, I thought of you, too, during the readings today! What a beautiful thing that the readings are the same for all of us across the world. We are one Body. And I am praying for you.

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

Our priest posed the question today..."why should Abraham have had faith?" And I thought the same thing after hearing about all the odds stacked up against him and Sarah...shees, it all seemed like an impossible promise right? Right. Well, he went on to say...because...God IS trustworthy...that's why. Of course, yes, even though everything seems impossible, God is worthy of our trust, we can have faith in His promises. Whew! Thank you Father. We needed that reminder. Amen. Blessings on you.

Faith makes things possible said...

I don't know if you read my blog today with the two quotes, but after reading your post the second one really seemed to jump out (God's encouragement I'm sure!) and so I share it here with you and want you to know that are are in my prayers:

"Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices." -St.Teresa of Avila

Praying for Hope said...

Don't beat yourself up about you dog (I'm recommending, the impossible, I know). You couldn't have done anything to know he was dying. You were not a bad mother. Animals are very, very good at hiding when they're not feeling well. It's a defense mechasnism in the wild. When it gets to the point where they're showing it, you know they're not in good shape. Sometimes, you can do something to help the feel better - it's not life threatening - other times . . . well, all you can do is your best.

Thankful said...

I thought about you during Mass yesterday and hoped that your homily was a good one, too!!! You are loved and prayed for, that's for sure.

Sew said...

Jb got her signs and it sounds like this one was yours...

the misfit said...

So much easier said than done. But God bless you for your heroic perseverance in faith in the face of all these crosses.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Having faith is most difficult, but well rewarded in how we grow closer to God. I struggle with it, too, and my heart was so touched this Sunday.

You and I will have to talk about our pet-mommy guilt sometime. I have the same thoughts (mine passed away from the pet food contamination stuff). Heartbreaking, but you did everything you could for Uzi.

alison said...

I just wrote a long and cute comment. Too bad blogger ate it. You'll never know my wittiness.

I just wanted to say that faith quote got me too. I used that very one during a talk on Faith I gave a few years ago at a retreat. I thought I had take a leap of faith during my conversion (and I guess I had) but I had no idea how much would be required of me, how much more my faith would be tested.

Praying for you and your husband to get some reprieve...

callmemama said...

I believe that you will be rescued...somehow, some way.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I agree...Hebrews is pretty great! ;)