Friday, August 20, 2010

Depression and Toilet Talk

Here I am only 3 days past ovulation, and I'm already getting weepy and depressed.

I am not necessarily upset about the prospect of another failed cycle. I am investing much less in each given cycle lately than I was early this year, but it's more the issue of prognosis with more and more cycles passing after surgery.

I just had a lengthy (hour and 1/2) phone conversation with Dr D. in California, the NaPro Dr that I was referred to by Dr. B (Ireland). She had some fantastic ideas for me, and will put it all in writing soon (but of course I took notes), and surprisingly, she is really concentrating on my gut/intestines. I have an "issue" with regularity. I have never once in my life "felt" constipated, and for the longest time I thought it was normal for people to go once every 3-4 days. I actually thought something was wrong with my husband when we first got married and I saw how often he was in the bathroom, lol!

But she is hugely concerned by this, and thinks that the dietary restrictions I am currently implementing isn't cutting it. She suspects Candida, and wants me to have a stool profiling done to check for yeast, as well as start eating completely healthy foods, high fiber, high protein, etc. I should also supplement with more Magnesium.

The other area she concentrated on a lot was my insulin and blood sugar. The two sort of go hand-in-hand. She wants me to see a Nutritionist, possibly get another (better) food sensitivity testing, get on only high-quality supplements, and again, eat a GOOD diet with 3 meals and snacks throughout the day. She said the low blood sugar wreaks havoc on my system, and then my gut in turn causes an immune reaction. She said my diagnosis of Adrenal Fatigue is huge- and that if I am showing improvement on cortisol, I need to figure out ways to address the underlying problem. Interestingly, she said both insulin-resistance and food allergies can cause adrenal fatigue.

Basically, I need to stop eating so horribly. And it may seem to you all that I eat "healthy" because I've been eliminating COMPLETELY the foods that showed up highly reactive on my food testing (rice, yogurt, mushrooms, saccharin, paprika) - as well as going gluten-free (about 95%). But what that has actually translated to is laziness in my own meal-planning. I find it EXTREMELY difficult to prepare any meals for myself due to the fact that I cannot consume many of the most basic foods. So, I often go without eating, or I'll eat something quick and easy like popcorn, potato chips, french fries, cheese (lots of cheese), etc.
She told me, I don't care if you're not hungry, you HAVE to eat breakfast :)

So, I am happy at the prospect of starting something new that will have long-lasting effects on my overall health. I won't lie, though. I am intimidated. A lot.

And finally, I found out today that my Supervisor "spoke out of turn" when he said I would be starting a week from Monday at my new job. Apparently the owner of the place wanted to meet with my NaPro Dr first to discuss how to "collaborate" (which both my Dr and Supervisor realize won't work at all), AND that he never formally extended me a position. I asked my Supervisor if he thought the owner would change his mind, and he said, "NO! I don't think so." Um, ok. That's convincing. And as for start date? Now my Supervisor is guessing "by October."

This just sucks. No job/no money until MAYBE October. I was waiting to hear back from my NaPro Dr about how the meeting this afternoon went, but she didn't call me back :( Why couldn't I catch just ONE break this year? Just one. I don't understand what any further suffering will achieve for me at this point. I really don't.

24 comments:

Nicole said...

I am TOTALLY with you on the "regularity". I've been the same way all my life. A doesn't believe that I only go every 2-3 days...he's worried if he doesn't go twice a day!

Keep your head up You can do this. Are you on facebook? if so come find me nicole at adamand nicole.com (no spaces) I have so really good no or low amylose recipes in my notes.

Hugs!!!
-Nicole

More Than Anything said...

I get the "regularity" thing too. I struggle with it. My husband thinks if he doesn't go everyday there is something wrong with him and he MUST take a laxative. HA!

I wonder if the irregularity is a PCOS thing? I didn't realize all the things insuling resistance and sugar sensitivity affects.

I'm sorry to hear about the set back with your job. I pray it will work out. Great things will happen for you.

JellyBelly said...

The diet business is tough, but you can do it! I know that it was easier for me to give up gluten since I already have so many other restrictions. Btw, I was physically exhausted after having the cookie with barley this afternoon. The first thing I want to do when I ingest gluten is sleep!!

I agree 110% that you deserve a break. Pronto.

The Comeaus said...

OK, you're so honest, so here it goes: This is the first time I've ever said this to anybody but my husband, but until very recently I was, without really knowing it, starving myself. I hated to eat. I've breastfed for a long, long time and haven't taken care of myself at all. I hadn't been raised to eat well and I certainly didn't as a teen and young adult. I'm 26 and am JUST discovering the overwhelming care God takes of us through good, healthy food--especially veggies! This all came after my healing experience the other month. I believe physical healing will come through a healthy lifestyle and that He gave me the insight to see that, at last.

I knew I was underweight, but not until I seriously started connecting a poor diet with secondary infertility did I make changes. It freaked me out when I realized that I was hurting myself this way. I started exercising every other day (for muscle strength), getting on supplements, and eating A LOT. I had already cut out all refined sugar, white flour and all that quite a while back. We eat very, very healthy now!

Let me tell you: the idea of eating so much food was daunting at first, but the hope of another baby made me forge ahead and do it, and you know what? It was NOT that hard! That still stuns me. The first few days were tough--like forcing myself to eat snacks. But now, I am so much healthier. I've gained 10 pounds in just over a month and I feel and look better than ever. My head is clearer, my mood is stable, and I am not starving all the time. All that time before, I thought it was just normal for me not to eat more/healthier than I did.

So, the point of this long comment is to encourage you. If I did it, you can do it. :) It gets so much easier with each day if you get past the first week and are really consistent. You will start to crave healthy food rather than bad food and you'll take more joy in cooking. It's a challenge to be creative. I am hoping and praying that God will bless both our efforts.

Could it be that, hard as it may be, you're meant to take the next couple of months just to take care of yourself? I am sorry about your job, nonetheless, and even more sorry if my comment about it makes no sense.

Elizabeth

callmemama said...

One of the best things about this gf diet? Being regular :). You don't realize what abnormal is until you reach normal!
The worst thing for me is avoiding dairy. I haven't been instructed to cut it out completely, but I think I might have to soon, b/c I find myself reacting to it lately. SUCKS. But, in the end, I want to feel well and hopefully get pregnant, so I think it'll all be worth it one day.
A little tip for lazy mornings - boil a dozen eggs on Sunday night and take one or two with you in the morning. Easy to eat on the run, and very good for you - the egg is a total protein.
I hope your job stuff gets straightened out soon! How frustrating!!!

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

Diet changes are so tough. Food just takes up such a huge chunk of our lives. Good luck!

polkadot said...

Laziness with meal planning sounds really familiar! The thing that helps me is to keep the kitchen well-stocked with foods I can eat. Then I don’t have an excuse not to eat because I have choices. The other thing is to figure out by the morning (at the latest) what you’ll eat that night—at least the main dish. With a plan you might be more likely to stick to it than just make something easy. It helps me for sure. I haven’t done this yet but I may write out a list of main dishes and side dishes that I can eat so if I can’t think of a meal idea, I would consult the list. I’m excited for the changes the new doctor suggested. You can do this!

Speaking of magnesium…my husband mentioned yesterday that he read that low magnesium can be a cause of PMS. (might have been helpful to know before my PMS started…) Did Dr. D recommend more because of your PMS or just to help fertility in general?

I hope and pray the job comes through soon!

Megan said...

I was doing some spiritual reading the other day, and I came across a particular passage when the Holy Spirit brought you to my mind. I flagged the page, and I wanted to share it with you. It is from the book "I Believe in Love" by Fr. Jean C.J. d'Elbee.

"And when Jesus conceals Himself during grievous interior trials such as dryness, aridity, anguish in darkness, when all the words of love, confidence, abandonment say nothing more to us, do not touch us, do not reach us anymore, what then? What soul has not passed through these nights?
It is then that we must push confidence to the extreme limits. These trials are graces, because they are occasions for pure faith. Pure love is realized in pure faith, and pure faith is realized in darkness in the same way as "strength is perfected in weakness." Profit, profit from these dark hours when your nature grieves, when your heart is cold, when you believe, wrongly, that Jesus is very far from you and even, perhaps, that He is turning His eyes away from you, because you see yourself to be so imperfect and wretched; profit from them to make heroic acts of faith and confidence out of pure will. These are the most precious acts - they have immense merit because in those times they are acts of pure faith, without consolation and without sensible aid.
That is the moment to say to Jesus, "You may sleep in my boat; I shall not awaken You. You are hiding Yourself, but I know well where You are hidden: You are in my heart. I do not feel it, but I know it. I believe in Your love for me and I believe in my love for You."

I'm praying for you!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I don’t see the point, either. I hate that about the job.

I would be intimidated too as diet changes are so difficult. All I ever had to do was to switch to low-carb (relatively easy compared to the restrictions you, Jellybelly, callmemama and others are on), and the thought of making a meal would stress me out to no end. But it got easier and easier and it will for you, too.

Oh, and I’d be a raging lunatic if going every 3-4 days was normal :)

My Heart Exults... said...

Diet changes bite...period. In addition to PCOS and endo, I'm also diabetic. The autoimmune diseases love me, what can I say? And the more I look into adrenals, I think that might be the next thing I get tested since I show symptoms of that too - good grief! But the doctor is right (of course), low blood sugar does reek havoc on your system. And STRESS will make all of these "issues" that much more worse. It's true...when I get stressed, by body gives me the finger. We have a love/hate realtionship like that. So hopefully this job thing will work itself out for you soon (and everything else you've got going on). But eating well is a way of controling the little that you can - especially when you live in a world that seems very much out of control. Hmmm, now I just need to re-read this post and take my own advice! Diet changes bite.

mrsblondies said...

I'm sorry that the job stuff is now on hold at best.

I hope that changing your diet improves how you feel. I definitely found it easier to eat well when I did meal planning for at least a week in advance. Right now I can't really plan much ahead, but when I stop feeling so nauseous and have more confidence that I can actually eat something, I'm definitely going back to meal planning.

simone said...

hmmm the regularity thing seems to be a reoccurring theme here...FYI I think men go more often than women. My DH goes 2-3 times a day.
(I have endo and Lufs.) If I did not go everyday I was in major pain. I battled this until I started to really watch my diet. Bagels were the first to go. It seemed that no matter how much water I drank, I had the issue. I found that magnesium was the only thing that helped me. I started taking that for awhile. I also ate a lot of yogurt. In fact when I first took Biaxin, I was regular but had no issues.... Now this month when I took Biaxin it gave me issues.... I think it is bc I have significantly reduced my dairy intake which seems to be helping. I was eating raisin bran all the time which I thought would help...Now that I am trying to ease up on the gluten I stopped eating the bran. I have been okay this month. I only take benefiber once a day and omega3 pill at night.
It is so hard bc everything has cheese on it or gluten in it.
Good luck to you!

barbie said...

Breakfast is SO important, she is right. Can't wait to hear more!

Tridentine Wife said...

Yes constipation is the story of my life. I'm even taking Rx colace haha. Oh and if you visit this new CA doctor come look me up :)

Rachel said...

I have gone GF over a year ago and breakfast can be tricky. What I do now for a nutrient breakfast is finely cut up veggies (broccoli, spinach, bell peppers, potatoes etc.) any veg you like and mix and portion it in a sandwich bag and freeze. Every morning I will take a bag and precook the veggies for a few minutes and add a couple of eggs and some cheese if your diet allows it. This way you have protein plus important nutrition from the Veggies. It does wonders for sustaining blood sugar throughout the morning. I used to be a mess right before lunch when I use to eat all carbs for breakfast and would start shaking and felt dizzy until I shoved my lunch as fast as possible.
Hope you get some break soon.

Jess said...

Hi! I just found your blog through another's that I am following. I look forward to following you on your journey. I am going through infertility as well, and have been for about 3.5 years. It's a struggle, but I have hope that one day, the treasure that comes from it will be worth it.

-Jess
http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/

the misfit said...

I can't claim to any understanding of the difficulties you face with diet restrictions; mine are self-imposed and extremely limited. (I persist in the theory that my digestive sensitivities are entirely caused by the endo scarring, as they cropped up in the last few years as the adhesions spread, and when I practically live on gluten and dairy, I feel BETTER.) Anyway, what I do when I need to maintain dietary restrictions is pick a very few foods that are acceptable and that I really like, and stock them in outrageous quantities. I'm no expert on what you're looking at here, but what about organic salsa or gluten-free hummus, some sort of safe tortilla chips and bell peppers (so you have a healthy snack that you'll be tempted to eat), a whole bunch of individual steaks and chicken filets that you can throw on a pan easily (skip all fancy meal stuff like sauces and complementary dishes and just eat a lot of meat, right? Will keep you nourished, and I bet you're not getting enough iron with the diet you described - I don't, either, much of the time, so I periodically crave steak, which I otherwise rarely want), and baked potatoes?

Also, I bet you're eating less in part because you're depressed - and that part of the reason you've been unhappy lately is because you're not eating enough. (Frequent low or unstable blood sugar makes even healthy people depressive and cranky.) I think you're not taking care of yourself because you're already at the end of your rope. But you deserve the time and care it takes to make you healthy.

Brenda @ Life As We Know It said...

I feel your pain:) I have never eaten bfast and just can't stomach eggs first thing in the morning, pg or not!

Um, also always irregular. That's weird.

I'm so interested to hear your Dr. mention the IR and Adrenal Fatigue. Man, the doctors suck here....

And I can relate to the meal planning. It's a pain in the ass when you can't eat x,y,z but there are other people you have to cook for too. I usually end up eating what the others do and letting it take it's toll on me.

PCOS bites!

Praying for Hope said...

Will you be continuing the diet restrictions or simply going with a general healthy eating plan? If you need to continue the restrictions, meeting with a nutritionist who can give you food/meal ideas is an excellent idea.

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

Good luck with the diet restrictions! YOU CAN DO IT! Remember, God only gives us things we can handle:)

Fr. Michael said...

Hello Dear Friend! I have been praying for you every day. I also have offered up my current struggles for your fecundity. LOL Big word there! Anyway, keep smiling. I actually got so excited when I read that your
doc advises that you improve your diet. That was one of the things I wanted to tell you when you were in PA, but I wasn't sure if it was the Holy Spirit or my opinion. Now I think I know. :-)

Also, regularity is very important... so be regular in your prayers and regular in keeping in contact. I loved meeting you and your husband. It may not have been this cycle-- but it is coming soon. Also, since I have already jumped in on the diet stuff, let me offer one more suggestion.

Be sure to spend time in prayer where you simply relax in the presence of the Lord. Do this when you are at hone as well as when you are in church. Relax and think of the many things God has given you; Don't think about your cross. Block sorrow from your mind during this time as you would if you were eating your favorite food with your very best friends and your loving mate. You can't think of blessings and sorrow at the very same moment. Let the blessings block the thoughts of struggle and disappointment even if for only a few moments or one meal. DO THIS EVERY DAY.

Here is why: Relaxation and meditation affect us physically and spiritually. Spiritually it opens us to the Will, Power and Love of Jesus Christ coming directly from His Sacred Heart and strengthened by the prayers of the Saints and intercessors here on Earth. It is like the clearing of a heavy fog when the Sun rises in the morning.

Another image I just got reminds me of those times I have burned food or tea kettles forgotten on the stove. The alarm goes off, stress rises, and the room gets smokey. Then I have to open the widows and turn on a fan to clear the room so the stupid smoke alarm can quit screaming at me! The fans which move the smoke are like the prayers of the Saints. Your "burning" desire to have a child can often cause something like smoke to infiltrate your spiritual life. As smoke makes it hard to breath and burns your eyes, this spiritual "smoke" makes it difficult to see God in your current situation and pollutes the sweet Breath of the Holy Spirit. The stupid smoke detector making all that noise is al the stress, disappointment, tears, headaches, pain, sorrow and self criticism (dare I say self hatred?) that you experience from not yet getting pregnant. Only if you open the window and turn on the fans can you breath freely. So relax in prayer, breath deeply in God's Love and the Power of the Holy Spirit, and receive the healing...Amen.

They physical reason is that relaxing actually changes the ph and other things in the body. This is really helpful for those who do not easily get pregnant. Many experts think that one of the reasons why many couples only conceive after they have adopted is because the pressure is off.

And finally, even though I am a priest with the vow of celibacy, I am going to tell you to "have fun trying"! Enjoy your intimacy and allow your love for each other to deepen. I think that sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is the only pleasure not forfeited by original sin. And the Lord said, "Be fruitful and multiply." So let your love be fruitful and give birth to a deepening love for one another in the Sacred Sacrament of Matrimony. This way you will give birth to kindness and compassion for one another as well as for others in need. You will give birth to a testimony of God's presence in Marriage. And one day that testimony will include your little miracle child.

Fr. Michael said...

Hello Dear Friend! I have been praying for you every day. I also have offered up my current struggles for your fecundity. LOL Big word there! Anyway, keep smiling. I actually got so excited when I read that your
doc advises that you improve your diet. That was one of the things I wanted to tell you when you were in PA, but I wasn't sure if it was the Holy Spirit or my opinion. Now I think I know. :-)

Also, regularity is very important... so be regular in your prayers and regular in keeping in contact. I loved meeting you and your husband. It may not have been this cycle-- but it is coming soon. Also, since I have already jumped in on the diet stuff, let me offer one more suggestion.

Be sure to spend time in prayer where you simply relax in the presence of the Lord. Do this when you are at hone as well as when you are in church. Relax and think of the many things God has given you; Don't think about your cross. Block sorrow from your mind during this time as you would if you were eating your favorite food with your very best friends and your loving mate. You can't think of blessings and sorrow at the very same moment. Let the blessings block the thoughts of struggle and disappointment even if for only a few moments or one meal. DO THIS EVERY DAY.

Here is why: Relaxation and meditation affect us physically and spiritually. Spiritually it opens us to the Will, Power and Love of Jesus Christ coming directly from His Sacred Heart and strengthened by the prayers of the Saints and intercessors here on Earth. It is like the clearing of a heavy fog when the Sun rises in the morning.

Another image I just got reminds me of those times I have burned food or tea kettles forgotten on the stove. The alarm goes off, stress rises, and the room gets smokey. Then I have to open the widows and turn on a fan to clear the room so the stupid smoke alarm can quit screaming at me! The fans which move the smoke are like the prayers of the Saints. Your "burning" desire to have a child can often cause something like smoke to infiltrate your spiritual life. As smoke makes it hard to breath and burns your eyes, this spiritual "smoke" makes it difficult to see God in your current situation and pollutes the sweet Breath of the Holy Spirit. The stupid smoke detector making all that noise is al the stress, disappointment, tears, headaches, pain, sorrow and self criticism (dare I say self hatred?) that you experience from not yet getting pregnant. Only if you open the window and turn on the fans can you breath freely. So relax in prayer, breath deeply in God's Love and the Power of the Holy Spirit, and receive the healing...Amen.

They physical reason is that relaxing actually changes the ph and other things in the body. This is really helpful for those who do not easily get pregnant. Many experts think that one of the reasons why many couples only conceive after they have adopted is because the pressure is off.

And finally, even though I am a priest with the vow of celibacy, I am going to tell you to "have fun trying"! Enjoy your intimacy and allow your love for each other to deepen. I think that sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is the only pleasure not forfeited by original sin. And the Lord said, "Be fruitful and multiply." So let your love be fruitful and give birth to a deepening love for one another in the Sacred Sacrament of Matrimony. This way you will give birth to kindness and compassion for one another as well as for others in need. You will give birth to a testimony of God's presence in Marriage. And one day that testimony will include your little miracle child.

Angela said...

Wow..it must be my eyes...I'm having a horrible time reading this post tonight!

Sounds like tweaking the diet a little more could do some good, although I'm sure it won't be easy. Diet changes never are...we are creatures of habit. And let me tell you, I am not a breakfast person either...unless a cup of coffee counts? ;) Sending a prayer your way! And try to keep positive! Our kids are going to get married, remember?? Can't give up! :)

Jasmine said...

Wow! I am so excited by Dr. D's suggestions! I have been going the supplement route these last several years and another CFCP, a very good friend of mine, have been digging in the Candida route with regards to fertility. After her miracle pregnancy and delivery, she had her lap with Dr. H and he told her that her son really was a miracle, adhesions everywhere. So with that, she never expected to conceive again but struggled with so many health problems. She started looking into Candida and the side effect, a great cycle and a complete surprise pregnancy!
Anyway I think the Candida thing is huge, and if you've been to Dr. T in NY, I bet you struggle with it. I know I do!

I use a lot of CCL suggestions from Marilyn Shannon's Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition and they have been really huge for me and my clients. I don't have a NaPro doctor nearby, well not until recently, so that's been my suggestion for clients who can't afford PPVI or an easy starting point.

Anyway I just was encouraged by this post of yours. I know this has not been a good month for you, but I am excited to see similar lines of thought coming from NaPro doctors and I wanted to share my hope.

Jasmine

P.S. Fr. Michael's comments were excellent.