Saturday, July 3, 2010

Gotta Love the Ups and Downs

Where is this coming from?? I am sitting here, after having a TERRIBLE fight with DH, reading through happy blog posts and crying my eyes out.

Hormones, I love you.

I am trying my hardest not to be angry with God right now, but it is so darn difficult. I just don't understand- while I'm THRILLED to see so many faithful friends receiving abundant blessings, and rejoicing with them- I am so perplexed as to why MY journey must continue, and why I've been asked to carry multiple crosses.

At the end of this month, I turn 29. Many of you may be hopeful for me due to that fact. And trust me, I do not take for granted the fact that I started discovering the causes of my fertility issues at 25. I have a lot of time ahead of me to keep trying.

But in many ways, that is the most depressing part of all. If my fertility started out AT 25 as so poor, it will only get WORSE as I age, not better. (That's why the "You're still young!" comments bother me more than the "Just relax!" comments.) The thought of another 20 years or so of THIS- - I could never.

My mind is lingering somewhere between hope and pragmatism right now. The newest miracle pregnancy on the blogs is a young woman who had massive adhesions. And I just had adhesions removed. Shouldn't I be hopeful? Then again, I doubt that same logic gave this amazing woman any comfort when she was told "AYWH just adopted and now she's miraculously pregnant. Therefore it can happen to you, too, since you've recently adopted!" Right? One miracle pregnancy has nothing to do with the other. And my situation is likewise very different.

Furthermore, I DO NOT in any way want to take away from the fact that it is GOD ALONE behind these miracles. No "magic" surgery, no special Dr, no perfect series of prayers... it is all about God. Yes, of course I think that medical intervention can help improve fertility that has been adversely affected by a variety of things. But in the end, it all comes down to God.

And for reasons yet unknown to me, He has chosen to allow me to keep carrying the cross. The longer it is carried, the heavier it gets. I am collapsing under the weight today.

One day happy, praising God for His beautiful work in the life of my friend, and hopeful that maybe, just maybe, He has something ALMOST as good planned for me.

The next day, battered, bruised, and defeated, and let's face it, mad and jealous.

Just a week in the life of your typical infertile/in-adoptive woman.

21 comments:

Complicated Life said...

I realize my situation is different than yours, but I can relate to feeling increasingly alone as other bloggers get pregnant/adopt. The new announcements bring joy and jealousy, hope and sadness all at once. I've had tears of joy in my eyes while reading someone's wonderful news, but shortly thereafter, the tears of pain emerge as I realize yet another person has "crossed over", but here I remain.

I'm sorry. You have my prayers.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I am so sorry! I want you to know that you are always in my prayers. I always think of you when I'm praying for all my blogger friends, and I know God has a special plan for you. sending *hugs* to you.

Sissy said...

I know the feeling of being jealous of other IF women. A good friend of mine had a baby two months ago and I just went to see her the other day. It took me two months to do it, since I was just plain jealous. My friend understood though, since she did some IF treatments.

JellyBelly said...

Oh Sweetie, although we have barely dipped a toe into the world of adoption, I feel your pain. I have no idea why you have to carry this cross for so long. I have dealt with some very horrible feelings of jealousy in the recent past and they've been so bad that I need to go to confession pronto.

As I watch the upper part of my blog roll shrink I start to feel more and more anxious. I hate it that we're the last BW's to still be childless.

I wish I had some words of comfort for you, I could use some myself. I'm praying for you, and yes we are trying extra special hard with these three follies!

Patiently Waiting said...

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. It's hard trusting God has the perfect plan for all of us, but He does. You will be in my prayers.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry. I think all of us that are left behind know the feeling of isolation as it seems that everyone else is either pregnant, adopting or both. I have no advice or words of comfort, but I am praying for you.

Chasing said...

I'm so sorry. Even though I never got to be your prayer buddy for "real" during advent and lent, I just wanted you to know that you are my "all the time adopted prayer buddy." Every time I receive the Eucharist- I'm shooting the grace over to you my dear. I know that probably doesn't add much comfort, and oh, how I wish I could do more!

barbie said...

I'm so sorry! It just plain stinks, that's all there is to it. I'm with ya, the other miracles mean nothing for anyone else. It's an individual thing here. But as always, prayer are going out to you. You've carried a heavy cross and I hope it lightens soon.

btw, 30 will be hitting me in four days and I'm not happy about it either. It seems like some awful joke, getting married at 18 and turning 30 with nothing to show for it.

But there is always hope, and I pray you get some great news soon.

Angela said...

I hate the "you've still got time" and "you're still young" comments and I turned 30 this year. Was lifting you up at Mass this evening exactly 3 hours ago! God is still near even when you feel all alone! Hang in there friend!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Prayers are being sent your way... : /

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

We will help you carry your cross for you, and we will keep up hope when you feel hopeless. Count on all of us!

Shannon said...

I LOVE this post. I really do, even though it's based on the painful cross that you bear. I love it b/c it resonates with me too.
THe waiting is PAINFUL. ANd it's hard sometimes to hear people say, Oh! Just enjoy your single life... I wish I were single. That irks me to no end! The only reason people are able to say this is because they are now on the other side.

Still praying for you... I just SO believe your womb will be filled with life.

prayerfuljourney said...

I know how you feel...however in my case no one says "Your still young." LOL!

JellyBelly said...

Btw, I also have 35 1/2 year old ladyparts. I don't know if it's much of a consolation, but I'm old dude!

Mrs. Mike said...

TCIE--I admit that I cannot begin to know all the details that make your situation so dire and so hopeless but I hope you don't mind that I DO keep hoping and praying for you. *I* don't think you a hopeless case. Oh girl--if you only knew how many times (and I've been at this for over a decade) I've seen God totally whip out an 11th hour miracle for couples who had absolutely no earthly reason for hope. He's getting around to you too. Trust that.

Watching other miracles around you--even if they do offer a glimmer of hope--mean nothing when you're still fighting in the trenches. I know none of this is any consolation to you and probably just seems like platitudes--until you actually see your own miracle in progress. But I tell you this so that you know that some of us haven't given up on you and will not stop praying.

alliemich said...

I love that you said it is not due to any doctor, surgery, medicine, treatments that all these pregnancies are taking place. After hearing my DH say that over and over, I am finally trying to accept that as well. I thought about quitting the teas or acupuncture after my cycle came this week and was devastated especially when DH said the same thing. NO amount of tea, needles, doctors, or surgeries are going to bring us a baby, only God will and only God can. So don't give up. I know we won't either.....

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I agree: I love the no special formula of doctors, prayers, novenas, vitamins, etc. I see that, but others always don't. And I hate hearing that I am young, too. No one else's miracles or youth is going to benefit me or result in me getting my own. So true!

Maria Therese said...

Dear Friend,

I want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you. This weekend hubby and I drove to the St. Gianna Shrine in PA. I prayed for you there. I wrote your name on one of the pink intentions slips and slipped it into the basket. Have you ever been to the St. Gianna Shrine in PA??

You and I are in a very similar situation. We have a lot in common. You have shared many feelings in your post that I too am experiencing. I want you to know you are not alone. I am sitting here praying for you right now.

We need to keep in touch in email! Maybe we could pray the rosary for each other? Would you like that?

Much love and hugs to you!

Love,
Maria

Second Chances said...

I remember when my parents went through their divorce feeling like I was "cursed" by God. If others were blessed with married parents until death, then wasn't I cursed? It took me a few years to understand that God is with us during our trials and wants so badly for us to be able to drop our crosses. But for some reason unknown to us, it is permitted. I'm amazed at how different (and better) my faith life is today because of the divorce. And I'm confident that you will be able to look back at this time of struggle and know that is was not in vain. We're offering our family rosary for you tonight.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I can identify with you on the youth comment--I started really having problems two years ago...I'm 26 now. And Dr. Hilgers said he's never seen it so bad in someone so young. GREAT. So at 26 my equipment is in worse shape than most people's, and it's only getting worse from here.

I want you to know I am praying for you! I don't think you are a hopeless case--in fact I think the depth of pain in your cross just means the reward is going to be so much greater!! You WILL see that reward someday, and oh, how glorious it will be!

LifeHopes said...

Oh, A!

The prayers have been majorly stepped up for you over here, and we were already praying pretty hard!