Saturday, July 31, 2010

Aching for my Baby

Some days, like today, I physically ache for my baby.

The baby that never was. The baby that certainly is not presently. And the baby that more and more likely never will be.

I have nothing to speak to, no soul in heaven to pray and converse with, no hope left to talk and sing to the non-existant being in my womb during the 2 week wait (and yes, I used to do the last one often during the first year).

It's moments like these when I realize my womb is oh so barren, never filled with anything but surgical instruments, and getting pregnant is my ONLY hope to becoming a mother... that I feel the lump invade my throat, the tears stinging my eyes, and the pain shooting between my heart and the pit of my stomach.

And then I generally do one of two things. Sit and cry in my glider, rocking back and forth with my empty arms folded across my chest, or fall to my knees in utter abandonment to God, and just perseverate on one word: "Why?" I have yet to receive an answer.

I am running out of fuel. I am running out of money (see previous post). I am running out of prayers.

The girl who at one time in her life would fight 'til the death, never give up, and always achieve whatever she set her mind to... has reached the breaking point.

I have realized that I can achieve nothing without God. Nothing. Everything good in my life has been with and from Him, and not anything I could have done by myself. I didn't always know this. I know it now.

And knowing it now makes it even tougher to accept that my womb remains closed, and my route to adoption is a drawbridge almost completely drawn up. Because if HE wanted to, all He has to do is say the word. In Him all things are possible. It's not that I don't believe He CAN do it, no no, just the opposite. I KNOW He can do it. So why won't He?

Why must my suffering continue, and why does it have to be double as heavy??

Oh, how I despise Prayer Buddies. Yes, I said it. I have never felt more unloved, unwanted, and abandoned by God than during Prayer Buddies. No offense, prayer buddy. I'm sure I will retract this statement tomorrow, but tonight, with tears streaming down my face and a mad case of PMS, I'm just sayin' it like it is with no apologies.

Because tonight I ache. Ache for my baby. Ache for the life I know I should have right now, but have never been further from.

Ask and ye shall receive?? Seek and ye shall find?? Knock and it shall be opened unto you?? Well maybe my constant pleas aren't cutting it, so let me put it here in writing:

Dear God, please send me a child. I am surrendering, and begging you to please have mercy on me and my husband. Please allow me to fulfill my vocation as a mother. Please. Please?

My soul is broken.

35 comments:

Second Chances said...

I'm so sorry you feel this way tonight. I have tears in my eyes thinking of your pain, even though I've never met you. Remember, your most recent procedure brings with it hope, if not for this cycle one hopefully very soon. Offering my sinus infection pain for you...not much but something.

Complicated Life said...

You beautifully offer our Lord your broken spirit. I know He will find it pleasing and I hope and pray the hardest for you that it is in His most holy will that He will grant you the desire of your heart.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

It’s heartbreaking to know how much pain you are in, to see you try everything possible, and have doors slammed shut for you. I ache for you and want so badly to see your dreams come to fruition. You are loved and cared about by so many. I’m praying for you tonight.

JellyBelly said...

I wish that I knew words to comfort you, my friend. We seem to be at similar points in our journey, although I'm at the point where I can't even imagine that my life is going to be different from what it is now -- infertile, barren, sad -- you get the picture.

I continue to offer up prayers for you. Perhaps God will hear one of us, and hopefully soon.

prayerfuljourney said...

I was thinking along the same lines as you tonight...but I have one huge factor that is a major roadblock...age. I can't deny it or do a fricken thing about it. I pray to God to bring me a child...to bring us all a child..the ones still waiting. I ache too...I guess now I just try not to think about it and get the best of me. Hope the crying and releasing has helped you. Praying for you!

Megan said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low tonight. I am praying for you that God will protect your heart and that you will regain hope and peace. Your faith during these difficult times is so inspiring, and I know that you are so much holier than me.
St. Padre Pio said, "Jesus said to me; 'How many times would you have abandoned Me, my son, if I had not crucified you. Beneath the cross, one learns love, and I do not give this to everyone, but only to those souls who are dearest to Me."

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I am so sorry. I join my prayers to yours, and pray that God would find them worthy. He asks us to pester Him, and persist, so I plan to. I hope you will, too....

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. All I can say is that I'm praying for you.

some how, some way, some day said...

Please know that not just your prayer buddy is praying for you. I can feel your pain. I can see your broken spirit. I pray that the Lord will not just bless you with a child but heal your soul as well. I pray for peace for you and your weary self.

Chasing said...

I'm so sorry. I hope and pray your miracle occurs soon. "In him we live and move and have our being."

KC said...

So sorry! WIll pray your prayer right along with you....

Cathy said...

AMEN. PRAYING FOR YOU.
:(

Faith makes things possible said...

I know that there are no words that I could say to take the pain away and I wish I could. So just know that I am praying for you and begging God to send you some comfort and understanding. You are stronger than you think...hang in there.

allyouwhohope said...

I'm so sorry.

Just remember - He loves you and has not abandoned you. He's with you right now and even when it seems like He has passed you by, He hasn't.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry TCIE :(. I wish we could answer to the question "why?". You definitely deserve an answer after every barrier has been thrown up in front of you.
Thinking of you, and hoping that God has mercy and your plea is answered.
Sarah @www.callmemama.wordpress.com
(Blogger still having problems with WV, so I have to post anonymously)

Sew said...

When you can't pray, know I pray for you....When you cry, know I'm crying with you! My heart breaks for you....This too has to pass....

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I've never seen anyone with faith like yours, and I just know God will reward you beyond imagining. I'm just not quite sure what He's waiting for.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know what you mean about aching...sometimes my arms feel weird and I can't figure out why, and I realize it's because they long to hold my baby.

I, like the others, are praying for you.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

*AM praying for you. Oops. Grammatically incorrect.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I've never met you, but it doesn't surprise me at all that you struggle during Prayer Buddies. You give of yourself more than anyone I know-and I know that are offering all of your suffering for your prayer partner. If the rest of us were as "good" at praying as you are-we would all feel this way.

I pray for you daily. I'm hoping for your miracle.

KC said...

Dear TCIE,

I've been reading your blog for a little while now and am so often blown away by the honesty and beauty in your writing. I just
wanted to let you know that I am praying for you as well! God bless you.

Trustful Surrender said...

I'm so deeply sorry, TCIE. Know that you are not alone. Hugs and prayers.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. So many others have said it better than I. Prayers' a coming.

Patiently Waiting said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I am praying for you with everyone else.

Tridentine Wife said...

There are simply no words to make you feel at peace, but I pray that you will find your way back to hoping once more that it will work out. Perhaps not in the way you want it to but God is listening to your pleas and he hurts because you hurt. He cries right alongside you although you may not feel His presence.

My heart breaks for you because I read the pain and anger through your posts. I'm sorry that the cross you were asked to bear is a rough one and seemingly impossible to carry. Remain strong and just give it over to the Blessed Mother and ask her to carry you through it for a bit. I'm so sorry, I will say a prayer for you tonight.

the misfit said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to make you feel better (probably there is nothing I can say). I had no idea you were on $800 a cycle out of pocket - that's INSANE.

I have to say, this sort of constant burden is one of the reasons I've tried to give up hope - it's more than I can carry. I can't even imagine how hard it is to keep really trying month after month. I would not have the strength to do what you do.

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

I'm a bit late with responding but I will begin my prayers tonight with you in my mind. I just teared reading your post and craved this for you. God bless you. I hope you are feeling better today. Hugs

Beth said...

Tcie, I'm Praying extra hard for you tonight. I remember these feelings all too well.

Danya said...

I am so sorry. All we can do is storm heaven and persevere in prayer. Never lose faith, He loves you so. Remember the way the saints suffer. YOU ARE A SAINT IN THE MAKING! Heaven will reward you for your offering someday, someway.

Brit said...

Praying for you tonight..

Praying for Hope said...

I'm so sorry. All I can do is send positive thoughts in your direction. I wish I could do more. I wish I could make it better.

barbie said...

i wish I could make it better for you, but I pray for you constantly. I hope your ache can become a memory one day when your joy has overtaken it........praying that day comes soon.

The Comeaus said...

I went to a healing Mass at my parish a couple of weeks ago. We were told we could ask for healing for ourselves and others. Well, I silently unloaded my entire heart and had a tremendous experience of healing not just in a spiritual way, but also physically. I just want you to know that I prayed for you that evening, asking healing for you so your dream may finally be realized. It may not sound like much, but I know He hears these prayers.

I almost hesitate to say it, because I worry that it may make you feel even more alone, but you are an inspiration. And you are much more honest with yourself and God than I am. I sometimes fear coming to read your posts because you express what I KNOW I feel--or at least, I feel some of it--in my own heart, but I don't want to admit that I, too, feel forgotten and even bitter. I don't want to feel it. Your posts make me remember, make me feel again, make me also ask "Why?" and even allow some tears to flow. In a word, they make me feel human again. I keep these things bottled up, pretending they aren't there, ignoring them, because I've already cried enough tears and prayed enough prayers--that's how I feel about it, sometimes. But then I come here and I see that you're still suffering and not pretending that you aren't, and I am ashamed. You suffer willingly; I am pretending not to suffer, and that is cowardly. Jesus suffered loudly the night before His death; I am refusing to acknowledge my pain, which is not actually carrying my cross. Yes, you are an inspiration.

Nothing makes me feel more alone and less understood than being infertile. I don't know your pain exactly, but I share some of it with you.

Fertile Thoughts said...

You're in our prayers! I am so sorry for your suffering right now. (((hugs)))
xoxo,
AMber

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

The Comeaus...what a beautiful expression of honesty from you. I loved reading your comment.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

ITA... Comeaus, your comment brought me to tears when I read it. I don't even know how to respond other than to say thank you.

You'll be in my prayers, as well. God Bless.