I have a laparoscopy set for June 18th (Friday) with Dr. Steg.man.
So, that cycle I will be taking a break from all the meds.
But that still leaves this cycle... which is about to start any moment. Dr Kwak-Kim wants to have a phone consultation to re-evaluate and see what else we can tweak at this point, but her first available one wasn't until May 25th. Most of her protocol changes have been for right around ovulation or the luteal phase, anyway, so it wouldn't necessarily be worthless to start up another intense treatment cycle now.
I just don't know what to do.
My mind and body crave a break. My heart and soul are bleeding out, begging me to keep trying.
Yesterday was one of the hardest days for me, infertility-wise.
I am Just. So. Tired. of it all. It would be so much easier to take a break if I were on a waiting list for adoption, or working on an adoption home study, or taking foster care classes... but to sit out and KNOW FOR A FACT that no miraculous situation is going to fall into my lap? It's just too hard. My heart won't stand for it.
How much longer can I keep this up? With the exception of the egg retrieval and embryo transfer, I have done the equivalent of 3 IVF cycles this year already - with full immune protocols.
I've reached the conclusion that it is going to take a FULL-BLOWN miracle for me to become a mother. It's not going to be about timing, medication dosage, or anything else. And it's not that I don't believe miracles can happen - surely there have been enough of them around here lately to prove otherwise.
But I have a hard time believing that I am worthy of one. Especially when I look around and blessings are being doled out by the handful, and all I ever seem to get is more suffering.
Why would God give me a miracle? Who am I?? Nobody.
How I long to stand up tall and proud and proclaim to the world that I Am A Mother. How it would soothe and comfort my soul to know that one day on this earth OR in heaven, a child will call me "Mommy." No matter how many people I may be a "spiritual" mother for, none of them will ever call me mommy, and let's face it, spiritual motherhood is not what any of us crave. Don't get me wrong, I was honored to have been wished a Happy Mother's Day by so many of you yesterday, because I do know I am already a mother in my heart. I just wonder if I'll ever be anything but a mother in my heart.