Monday, May 10, 2010

What to Do, What to Do

I have a laparoscopy set for June 18th (Friday) with Dr. Steg.man.

So, that cycle I will be taking a break from all the meds.

But that still leaves this cycle... which is about to start any moment. Dr Kwak-Kim wants to have a phone consultation to re-evaluate and see what else we can tweak at this point, but her first available one wasn't until May 25th. Most of her protocol changes have been for right around ovulation or the luteal phase, anyway, so it wouldn't necessarily be worthless to start up another intense treatment cycle now.

I just don't know what to do.

My mind and body crave a break. My heart and soul are bleeding out, begging me to keep trying.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days for me, infertility-wise.

I am Just. So. Tired. of it all. It would be so much easier to take a break if I were on a waiting list for adoption, or working on an adoption home study, or taking foster care classes... but to sit out and KNOW FOR A FACT that no miraculous situation is going to fall into my lap? It's just too hard. My heart won't stand for it.

How much longer can I keep this up? With the exception of the egg retrieval and embryo transfer, I have done the equivalent of 3 IVF cycles this year already - with full immune protocols.

I've reached the conclusion that it is going to take a FULL-BLOWN miracle for me to become a mother. It's not going to be about timing, medication dosage, or anything else. And it's not that I don't believe miracles can happen - surely there have been enough of them around here lately to prove otherwise.

But I have a hard time believing that I am worthy of one. Especially when I look around and blessings are being doled out by the handful, and all I ever seem to get is more suffering.

Why would God give me a miracle? Who am I?? Nobody.

How I long to stand up tall and proud and proclaim to the world that I Am A Mother. How it would soothe and comfort my soul to know that one day on this earth OR in heaven, a child will call me "Mommy." No matter how many people I may be a "spiritual" mother for, none of them will ever call me mommy, and let's face it, spiritual motherhood is not what any of us crave. Don't get me wrong, I was honored to have been wished a Happy Mother's Day by so many of you yesterday, because I do know I am already a mother in my heart. I just wonder if I'll ever be anything but a mother in my heart.

24 comments:

expatbarrenness said...

Just read your comment over at JB's (don't know why your post hadn't kicked up on my reader). So sorry this day was rough - saying a little prayer

barbie said...

i want to stand up and say DON"T QUIT! You have the most drive and determination I've ever seen. You've researched more, studied more and yes YOU, YOU YOU YOU deserve a miracle just as much as anyone else!! you ARE worthy, don't think because you get suffering you "deserve" suffering. You, more than anyone, I pray so hard for........Please dear God, give TCIE a miracle!

doctorgianna said...

You are so worthy of a miracle. I want to say to start up another intense treatment cycle this month since you have to take a break during June. I'm praying for you.

JellyBelly said...

We're in the exact same place at the same time.

I wish that I had something uplifting and encouraging to say to you, but I don't.

We're both worthy of a miracle. And soon.

Trustful Surrender said...

I completely agree that YOU ARE WORTHY as much as any one of us is worthy. I don't think God blesses us because we are particularly deserving. That's why His blessings are total gifts! I know (by experience) how you feel and I know it's easier to apply this truth to anyone else other than ourselves. So, I will lift you up with my prayers and hold on to my hope for YOU.

callmemama said...

You are definitely worthy of a miracle.
Sorry you're having a rough time, I'm right there with you :(>

Cindy said...

Just wanted to give hugs and say your not alone. I often wonder if I'll ever have anyone call me mommy. I pray for your miracle as you so deserve it!

Cecilia said...

You definitely deserve a miracle! I mean, it's true that none of us 'deserve' anything from God in the sense of being owed. But in terms of being worthy of one - you most certainly are. I have no idea how you have the fortitude to do all that you do. Even putting aside your medical efforts (which frankly astound me), I don't know how you're able to work as a fertility care practitioner and run a support group. You give so much of yourself to others in real life, to say nothing of how much your blog helps people. You more than deserve a miracle.

I can relate to all your feelings. I just want to be a mom and yesterday was a torturous reminder that that is no closer to being a reality. I think I would do the cycle since you have a forced break happening in June. Then again, I haven't been able to face anything fertility related in months....so take my advice for what little it's worth.

Thankful said...

Miracles happen when you least expect them... although I know that doesn't take any of the sting out of how you feel. GO FOR IT! I will beat you with a follistim pen on Wednesday if you pansy out.

Leila said...

Oh, you are definitely SOMEBODY and so worthy! I say don't give up!! I want to get my pom-poms out and cheer you on! One more cycle till your break... you can do it!!! :)

Prayers are still coming your way like mad!

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

You are more than worthy!!

WheelbarrowRider said...

We are all "nobody." No one got a baby because we deserve one. If that was the case, there would be no babies. If that was the case, you certainly would have a boatload before me. God gives us what we don't deserve because He loves us more than we can imagine. Like the prodigal son. He died for us, for the sinners. For the nobodies. So that the sinners can have eternal life. If He can do that, He can give a nobody a baby. Look at me :) Your turn will come if He wills it. If He doesn't, it won't have anything to do with deserving or not deserving. We won't know why until we can ask Him, but I know if that is the case His answer will still be perfect. If doors are being closed to ttc this cycle, then maybe it is time to sit one out. If the doors aren't shut, then feel free to march on through if that is what your heart tells you. But I must say, we all need a break now and then. Mine were all forced after miscarriage, but I needed every one of them just the same.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

what's your lap for? just curious... does he suspect something specific?

Mrs. Mike said...

You are worthy of God touching your life (yes, even by a a miracle if need be) because you are His child. You belong to Him and Him alone. He's a King and that makes you a princess...worthy of all the graces and blessings He has to give.

Regarding this coming cycle, it's a tough call. I don't think you can really make a bad decision one way or the other. That said, I'm inclined to encourage you to just surrender it and give yourself a nice break...let Him do the rest. Sometimes taking a few months off can do wonders for your emotional well-being. You may need the time to "bank up" over the next few weeks as you will likely need all your reserves available to cope with the rollercoaster of meds and treatments that is sure to begin anew once you are recovered from your surgery.

But I can't know what it's like to be in your shoes. What I can offer you are my prayers, sympathy and support in whatever you decide.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Nope, it's just been 25 months since the last one, and since I'm not "giving up" as I should have (wellllllll past the 18 effective cycle mark!), he said it's worth another looksy to see if any endo has grown back.

mrsblondies said...

I'd say take a break this cycle through June to give yourself a break, but don't give up and quit. You are worthy of a miracle. I'm praying for you.

Praying for Hope said...

Why wouldn't you be due for a miracle? No one is truly worthy. I know I certainly wasn't with my tantrums and challenges and growing belief that God didn't care about me. I can't say don't give up since I myself was on the verge when our little miracle happened. However, I will say take and try to enjoy one day at a time. Looking too far into the future when you're feeling like this - hopeless - will only make you feel worse.

Glad to hear you'll be in the Harrisburg area again with Dr. S. My husband and I will be up river with his mom during her surgery on the same day, otherwise I'd give you a good wave from across the river. My thoughts will be with you.

Brenda @ Life As We Know It said...

I know how you feel, thinking you are just too insignificant for God to worry about miracles for you:)

But you are somebody to God and I pray your hope and faith can be sustained a bit longer.

More Than Anything said...

TCIE, You're a child a God, you deserve a miracle as much as anyone else. Maybe even more :) God doesn't withhold miracles because we don't pray enough, or because we're jealous, or because we don't stand on one leg and squawk like a bird (although I'd probably try it). He gives them because He can.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I pray your miracle is on it's way very soon and it's just taking a while to get here...ya know cause Heaven is so far away. :)

Sew said...

God gave His life for you sweet TCIE! He loves you!

I would say take a break but then I don't listen to your advice when you give it to me (hahahaha) so you don't have to listen to mine! hahaha

Open that book I gave you!

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

You are sooo worth a miracle! God made you and He loves you, you are so worthy! Don't give up hope. You are in our prayers! :)

inallthingsgood said...

Wheelbarrow Rider said what I was thinking. Amen to her comment! (and many others)
"We are all "nobody." No one got a baby because we deserve one. If that was the case, there would be no babies. If that was the case, you certainly would have a boatload before me. God gives us what we don't deserve because He loves us more than we can imagine."

Also, the prevailing sentiment here seems to be try another cycle. I am in favor of that. But if you're so very sick of trying, I think taking a couple of months "off" would not hurt either. (and we know of miracles that occurred in the non-medication months too (K!), so there's no telling...)

Vent-ilation said...

You are worthy!! (Oh jeez.. I'm getting old Wayn.e's World images in my head.. sorry! So wrong! ha ha) But all babies are miracles -- whether through trying, adoption, on or off medication. Stopping treatment and giving your body the break that you said it needs is NOT giving up. We're not giving up on you and God's plan for you.

LifeHopes said...

As a reminder that getting babies isn't about "worth" consider all the people out there who have them ... those who abuse, neglect and abort them. It is a mystery to me that's all I know.

And with that being said, I too agree you can't go wrong here so I say do what you WANT to do. If you want to take a break, go for it and DO NOT look back. In the whole scheme of life, what is one or two cycles, you know?

If you would be more depressed for doing do, then don't break yet, Lord knows there will be plenty of time on the bench post-op.

Regardless ... you will still be at the conference in June won't you? Or will you be recovering still?