No, this is not a tutorial, though I wish it were!
Rather, it is a question. One that I have been pondering for more than a year now. A loaded question which can apply to many different situations in life, not just infertility and/or inability to adopt.
I having been struggling for quite a while with how to find joy. Not just here-and-there joy, but general joy, the kind that makes you want to dance around singing God's praises every minute of the day.
It's not that I don't sing God's praises now. It's more a matter of I don't feel like I have a personal reason to sing his praises every minute of every day. And that is truly. sad. Is His dying on the cross for me not enough reason? Is His generous gifts of a loving family, husband, place to live, income, wonderful pets, and food on my plate not enough reason?
I remember having a feeling last year in the presence of the Holy Sacrament after Holy Thursday Mass... a strong feeling of, "Jesus, YOU ARE enough for me." I still have that feeling, and I know logically that He is enough for me. But I still do not feel JOYful.
I am trying to wrap my mind around this (apparent) inability I have to find joy, and find the reason behind it. Does God intend for me to NOT have complete and utter joy now, so that WHEN I have something absolutely wonderful to rejoice about, I will rejoice all the more?? It just seems so contrary to me. The fact that I would only rejoice in God's awesomeness when my desires have been fulfilled. Doesn't it??
I'm not trying to be argumentative in the least, here. I really just seek understanding. I mean, I guess to a certain extent it could be true that a part of God's plan is for me to NOT have any joy for a period of time in my life, so that I can feel it all the more when it does come.
But I honestly would rather have that joy in my heart at all times for a number of reasons.
First, I would feel hypocritical singing God's praises daily only after He has given me what I want. (And like I said, this is a very broad idea here, I am talking about day-to-day happenings as well, like getting a job offer or being able to go on a vacation, etc.)
Second, it is a form of self-preservation. I think an underlying and ongoing fear of mine is that my ultimate goal and desire for my life may possibly never be fulfilled. The desire to be a mother, and the goal of achieving motherhood before I leave this earth. If I am somehow able to find joy before and/or without motherhood, then I know I will be "ok" for the remainder of my life.
Third, I want to be a better disciple of Christ. Did the martyrs and saints only proclaim God's goodness when things were going their way?? Hardly. It was quite often just the opposite! Here they were being persecuted, and put through trials far worse than anything I could imagine, and still they adored Christ in both word and deed.
Now, I'm not saying that I do not adore my God. But I'm also not yet at the point where I can sit in church behind a family of 7, kneeling before the Sacrament, and sing aloud in my head, "Oh God, you are so good to me!!" I still have a lot of resentment that I NEED to work on in this area. I have claimed to view my infertility as a gift from God... so what, was I BSing??? No. I still view it as a gift. Shouldn't I thank God for this gift, then? Continually?? Now that's where it gets sticky.
My infertility is most certainly a gift, a gift I am SURE I would not return if given the chance. (I know that sounds like a bare-faced lie.) But it's more because of WHO the gift comes than the gift itself which makes me want to cling to and "embrace" it. It's like an absolutely hideous sweater, wool with big hot pink pom-poms all over it, that your grandmother made for you right before she passed away. Do I love the sweater? Heck no! Would I ever throw it away? Never. But I'm also torn about wanting to wear it, especially in public. Sometimes I downright resent having to wear it at all, but then I feel guilty about resenting something given to me out of pure love. I should be proud to wear it, shouldn't I?
I am so very torn about this joy thing. I'm sorry but there is no resolution to this post. I am very interested to hear your thoughts on this, so please share them!! Lurkers too!!