Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Hope May Be the Answer

I have read all of your comments multiple times, and it seems that while we all still struggle with a) how to define joy, and b) how to attain it, a commonly-held belief is that joy is an "underlying" state of being and a gift from above. But that without hope and faith, (and probably love), we won't have it.

I think this just may be the answer I've been looking for.

Today, I experienced pure, unadulterated JOY for the first time in a long time. Praise God, and I will sing it out loud to anyone who listens, because SEW INFERTILE is WITH CHILD!!!

I have seen so many miracles on these blogs recently, and yet have been resistant to believe that I, too, can be a recipient of one of them. Something about Sew's miracle has my hope going through the roof today. And with that hope, came joy. Joy for my dear friend, joy VOID of jealousy (a rarity for me these days!), and joy for my own life and the blessings I have so often failed to see that I already have.

Hope is not the enemy, though I once thought it to be. I believe we need to look at hope in a much more general way in order to NOT turn it into the enemy. For example, do not place all hope in tiny little circumstances, but in the larger picture. I had been hoping that each cycle I would 1) ovulate more than one egg, 2) have wonderful cervical mucus, 3) time relations on the best days, and of course 4) that I was pregnant. I had also been hoping that, during our adoption process 1) our Social Worker would review our documents quickly, 2) we would get our references in, 3) our home visit would be scheduled before the end of summer, etc.

And what was slowly but surely happening was, my hope in all of these things that were OUT OF MY CONTROL just further reinforced the fact that I had lost control of the plan for my life. I felt like a failure, time and time again, and for someone who never suffered from depression, never took anti-depressants, and always had great self-confidence and self-esteem, I felt like a completely different person that even I didn't recognize anymore.

But now I am beginning to see the light that hope has to offer, if you place hope in the right places. I have hope that God will provide, above all else. He will provide. I have hope that I will be a mother. Maybe not the kind of mother I had imagined, but I will be a mother nonetheless. Perhaps I will be so blessed as to someday conceive, or be able to adopt, or be able to foster. But I am not putting any more "conditions" on my hope. And when hope is boundless, joy abounds!

It truly feels freeing to look at hope in my life in this newfound way. Oh, I'm sure I'll have plenty more "depressing" posts in the future for your reading enjoyment, but I will not let hope out the window because that only means I'm throwing my key to joy along with it.

17 comments:

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Very beautiful and I am thrilled to hear the hope in your post.

barbie said...

Beautiful as always! I have so much HOPE for you and pray for you daily!!

Life In Mazes said...

I pray for you specifically too and I, too, am so very hopeful for you!!!

some how, some way, some day said...

Beautiful post. Hope is a waxing and waning thing. Somedays are harder than others but know that my prayers are with you. So many of us have been right where you are.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

Perfect words-thank you. Especially the last line-about throwing out our joy with our hope. I had never thought of that-and today I really need to let that sink in.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

So beautiful. Just like always, you hit the nail on the head. I am thankful for your hope!! I'm glad God has given you hope and joy, and I'll pray he continues to do so! I have been praying for you lots while I'm here!

lowly said...

That was so beautiful it made me cry.

Trustful Surrender said...

You bring so much heart to your posts. Thank you for this beautiful reflection.
Praying for you.

JellyBelly said...

Thanks for offering your strength and hopefulness to me!

My new mantra is going to be, "If TCIE can be hopeful, then so can I."

You're the best.

Right Said Red said...

This is a beautiful post, and an amazingly saintly perspective amidst great suffering. God Bless you for sharing.

doctorgianna said...

Thank you for this synthesis. It helps me out immensely.

Sew said...

You make me cry...

Karen said...

This is so beautiful!

prayerfuljourney said...

Nice post! I'm hoping too but not sure what I'm hoping for anymore. You do have a lot to be thankful for! God bless.

mrsblondies said...

So beautiful. Hope and joy are definitely interconnected. Praying for you as always.

the misfit said...

I'm so glad to hear you feeling better. And I've often said (because the principal lesson I've learned from IF is narcissism) that whenever I vanish from blogging for any period (a long weekend - doesn't have to be longer than that), there are BFPs and/or babies - usually at least two. Well, recently my work disabled blogging on its internet connection and google finally phased out the outdated blogger on my Blackberry, so 75% of my access to blogs is GONE. I have naturally been largely absent. And let's see...Sew's pregnant; Jeremiah is about to bring a baby HOME; Always Giving Thanks is pregnant. Am I missing anyone? So if this helps with your hope: I'm going away for the weekend with my husband; then I'm out of town for a week with work; then turning around for a nine-day vacation in Europe. (Life is pretty good, I know.) I won't read blogs for almost 2.5 weeks. In that time, every last gal on my blog roll will have a baby - and since I believe you think you're last on the list, that will include YOU. An early congrats on your BFP.

the misfit said...

I knew I forgot one: Jo of MoJo working is also pregnant. That's FOUR!