Well, my repeat lap on June 18th will be a basic laser-laparoscopy with removal of (if any is found) minor endometriosis. Back in April '08 I had a laparoscopy AND laparotomy for the ovarian wedge resection, so my recovery at that time was 4-6 weeks long. This time, I'm sure it will be the normal 3-5 day recovery. I'm actually planning on going to Cancun the next week. Last time my endo was Stage I-II. I'm not expecting there to be much.
I'm feeling really down in the dumps lately. I am wondering why I would so clearly hear words from heaven telling me my Easter was coming soon, when it is still nowhere in sight. I'm wondering why SOOOO many (seriously, almost everyone) of the Infertile and Subfertile Bloggers have received their blessings through pregnancy and/or adoption in the past 4 months, and I'm still childless. It is extremely difficult, I mean EX-TREMEly, to watch all of those who used to be in my circle being blessed abundantly.
It makes me feel even more abandoned by God when my fellow Catholic infertiles are becoming mothers. It's hard to explain, but when the "normal" fertile people are blessed with children, I can easily look past that and see the beauty of my cross. My infertility has a purpose, and I am trying my best to fulfill that purpose. Fertile pregnancies hardly bother me. When other infertiles get pregnant through IVF, I feel left out, but not abandoned. I still know that I am learning obedience through this very special cross of Catholic infertility.
But when my fellow Catholic infertiles become mothers, all 1 after another, it makes me question why I am still being asked to carry my cross. Their infertility also served a purpose, and now they are able to enjoy the beauty of the blessings that came from their cross. So why not me?
(I would feel so much better about all of this if I were on a waiting list for adoption, or able to foster now. But my pain is magnified due to my adoption-hysterectomy.)
I do understand that none of us are "worthy" to receive God's awesome blessings. I get it. I also understand that God's timing in others' lives has nothing to do with His timing in mine. But again, it's SO MUCH HARDER to cope with the feelings of abandonment when I look around and... everyone else's timing is identical!
I really think the only thing keeping me sane through this is the power of prayer. I received a beautiful email from "E," a friend of mine becoming a FertilityCare Practitioner in Mexico City, and her prayer group has adopted me in their prayers this month to Our Lady of Guadalupe. What a sense of peace this brings me!! E, you are the best!
I cannot even escape reality in my dreams. How I would love to, if only for 20 minutes of R.E.M sleep, believe I was a mother. I've never even dreamed of a positive pregnancy test. And last night? I dreamt that I was reading an ultrasound report from Dr Kwak's office... the dream made absolutely no medical sense, but in the dream I was just about to start my period and believed I had failed another cycle (just like reality last night). Then this ultrasound report came (which is funny, because I had never had an ultrasound there!) which said that I HAD conceived, and that there were TWO babies in my uterus, but that 1 had stopped growing at 6 weeks and the other one at 9 weeks. I was due to miscarry them at any moment, and what I *thought* was my period coming was actually a miscarriage. (I know, this is all sorts of erroneous... but just goes to show ya, I can't even have a happy ending in my dreams.)
Finally, last night I was telling DH how I won the 2nd Grade Spelling Bee. It suddenly dawned on me, the irony of the word that put me on top. For 2nd Grade, it was not a difficult word at all, and I remember even back then thinking, "Aww, I can't believe it wasn't a tougher one!" But my competitor put two p's in the word, leaving me to spell it correctly:
I won the 2nd Grade Spelling Bee with the word "Hoping."
Or perhaps a premonition of the word that would continue to get me through the remainder of life's tests...