Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Clarifications and Random Stuff

Well, my repeat lap on June 18th will be a basic laser-laparoscopy with removal of (if any is found) minor endometriosis. Back in April '08 I had a laparoscopy AND laparotomy for the ovarian wedge resection, so my recovery at that time was 4-6 weeks long. This time, I'm sure it will be the normal 3-5 day recovery. I'm actually planning on going to Cancun the next week. Last time my endo was Stage I-II. I'm not expecting there to be much.

I'm feeling really down in the dumps lately. I am wondering why I would so clearly hear words from heaven telling me my Easter was coming soon, when it is still nowhere in sight. I'm wondering why SOOOO many (seriously, almost everyone) of the Infertile and Subfertile Bloggers have received their blessings through pregnancy and/or adoption in the past 4 months, and I'm still childless. It is extremely difficult, I mean EX-TREMEly, to watch all of those who used to be in my circle being blessed abundantly.

It makes me feel even more abandoned by God when my fellow Catholic infertiles are becoming mothers. It's hard to explain, but when the "normal" fertile people are blessed with children, I can easily look past that and see the beauty of my cross. My infertility has a purpose, and I am trying my best to fulfill that purpose. Fertile pregnancies hardly bother me. When other infertiles get pregnant through IVF, I feel left out, but not abandoned. I still know that I am learning obedience through this very special cross of Catholic infertility.
But when my fellow Catholic infertiles become mothers, all 1 after another, it makes me question why I am still being asked to carry my cross. Their infertility also served a purpose, and now they are able to enjoy the beauty of the blessings that came from their cross. So why not me?

(I would feel so much better about all of this if I were on a waiting list for adoption, or able to foster now. But my pain is magnified due to my adoption-hysterectomy.)

I do understand that none of us are "worthy" to receive God's awesome blessings. I get it. I also understand that God's timing in others' lives has nothing to do with His timing in mine. But again, it's SO MUCH HARDER to cope with the feelings of abandonment when I look around and... everyone else's timing is identical!

I really think the only thing keeping me sane through this is the power of prayer. I received a beautiful email from "E," a friend of mine becoming a FertilityCare Practitioner in Mexico City, and her prayer group has adopted me in their prayers this month to Our Lady of Guadalupe. What a sense of peace this brings me!! E, you are the best!

I cannot even escape reality in my dreams. How I would love to, if only for 20 minutes of R.E.M sleep, believe I was a mother. I've never even dreamed of a positive pregnancy test. And last night? I dreamt that I was reading an ultrasound report from Dr Kwak's office... the dream made absolutely no medical sense, but in the dream I was just about to start my period and believed I had failed another cycle (just like reality last night). Then this ultrasound report came (which is funny, because I had never had an ultrasound there!) which said that I HAD conceived, and that there were TWO babies in my uterus, but that 1 had stopped growing at 6 weeks and the other one at 9 weeks. I was due to miscarry them at any moment, and what I *thought* was my period coming was actually a miscarriage. (I know, this is all sorts of erroneous... but just goes to show ya, I can't even have a happy ending in my dreams.)

Finally, last night I was telling DH how I won the 2nd Grade Spelling Bee. It suddenly dawned on me, the irony of the word that put me on top. For 2nd Grade, it was not a difficult word at all, and I remember even back then thinking, "Aww, I can't believe it wasn't a tougher one!" But my competitor put two p's in the word, leaving me to spell it correctly:

H-O-P-I-N-G.

That's right.

I won the 2nd Grade Spelling Bee with the word "Hoping."

Coincidence?

Or perhaps a premonition of the word that would continue to get me through the remainder of life's tests...

Here's hoping.

17 comments:

Shannon said...

The honesty in the post is both beautiful and refreshing. Thank you for it, I bet it can be hard to be honest during these days. I am OVERJOYED with all of the news of babies around here, but with each announcement I think of you and Ann and Barbie and I worry. And yet, I continue to have this incredibly strong sense of hope for you. Your Easter IS coming. I know it is. Just wish all of the suffering could go away before it comes.

Lots of love, sweetie. Hang in there.

barbie said...

Ah girl I'm with you. Even hubby last night said........even though you are happy for everyone, it makes your heart hurt doesn't it?........if you wanna talk..I'm here.

Sew said...

I so get all of this! I get it to the very core of my being....

It doesn't make sense at all....

I think we need another prayer buddy...But this time I think we should concentrate on those who are not pregnant....

I don't know how that would work because the prayers of the prayer buddy has gotten us a long way....

But do you get what I'm saying?

Think about it...I'll be your secretary. Ohhh I hope JBTC helps out!!! hahahaha

Sissy said...

I can relate to what you are going through. There are so many people around us being blessed, and I am so excited that their wait is over, but I am still sitting here. I get it. I don't want to be envious, yet there it is, creeping in on me.

JellyBelly said...

Oh TCIE, I feel like I could've written parts of this post myself. It's been so tough for me with all of the good news that's been happening in the blog-world. I know that it isn't much of a consolation that you're not alone, but you're not.

I continue to pray for you (and the others that are still waiting), but you're always first!

Hugs!!!

callmemama said...

It's so hard to see what the purpose of all of this is. I'm assuming one day I'll be holding a baby in my arms and I'll know that everything I've been through led me to that exact moment and that exact child. But wouldn't it be nice to know when that was going to happen? It is so hard to keep waiting...
I hope there are miracles in line for all of the rest of us!

mrsblondies said...

It's definitely bittersweet to see everyone else moving forward while you continue to wait, especially since it's seem to be such a large group in the last couple months. I haven't been trying as long and I'm still just past my surgery, but I feel at least some part of that. I agree with Sew that we need to do a prayer buddy focusing on those of us who are still waiting.

keep calm and carry on... said...

lady, i'm right there with you.

i've been wanting to write but i can't even do it.. but you seem to have written it for many of us.

i'm so very happy for all the blessings coming to this blog circle, but it's hard to watch from the sidelines...again.


and, i am SO up for "let's get pg" prayer buddys. so up for it.

Cindy said...

Im sorry that your hurting so bad. I know how hard it is (cant say im not jealous at all the announcments) but even though your still waiting -- look at all the miracles around as a good sign. That even though it took years and years for some -- when they had all but lost hope of conceiving -- it has happened. Miracles are happening and it doesnt mean you wont get your turn. Or maybe we just have to move further down south - maybe somethings in the water down there ;-)

prayerfuljourney said...

I second your words and emotions. Being on an adoption waiting list does not make it any easier. Our agency has given us ZERO hope...so frustrating!! It's harder for me (I feel) because I'm older and that goes against me. If I were younger...I'd still be trying everything I can (like you).

I'm in complete wonderment about all the blessings going on in our little Catholic IF community...but your right...where does that leave those of us still waiting, hoping and praying for our own blessings? It's hard. I think it's harder here because we open up so on our blogs and when things don't go our way..we feel vulnerable. I hate feeling left behind..hate it..hate it..hate it!

I certainly hope you feel better soon! You are in my prayers.

Thankful said...

It hurts and I am sorry to be inflicting some of the pain. It really is bittersweet knowing how many are waiting for their prayers to be answered. Sign me up for prayer buddies! Wasn't there a mention of Ordinary Time buddies at one point? Oh, and I loved the spelling bee word... HOPING is beautiful because it is active, right?

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I am feeling the same way right now.. It seems like we are being left in the dust of this baby boom. dont' get me wrong, I am super happy for everyone who is expecting, but I wish I was with them. I'm here for you, and your in my prayers! :)

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I am right there with you-and it hurts big time. I'm feeling so lonely, even if the circle that I once belonged in so well.

I'm definitely up for Ordinary Time Prayer Buddies-I missed out on the last one and will take all the prayers I can get!

prayerfuljourney said...

I like the idea of doing another prayer buddy. Sounds like some of us waiting IF girls need to be lifted in prayer in a huge way. We need to storm the heavens! I'm in.

Mrs. Mike said...

I don't get it either. There is no rhyme or reason to the way that God hands out blessings. Those who have been waiting longest or suffering the greatest are so often the ones overlooked. Why?

I don't think it's coincidence at all about the word "hoping". Your story is far from over. God is far from done with you. Please don't doubt that.

Your honesty is refreshing and the fact that you have shared some of your most vulnerable, most private feelings...well, in the end, when the fight is over and you--yes, you in particular--have a babe in arms, God will be all the more glorified. We will all be able to attest that she who was barren was made fruitful by the grace of God.

Tucked Beneath His Wing said...

I am so sorry that you are still suffering with this cross. You are such a go-getter - you really inspired me to keep trying new things in my journey. Just wanted to let you know that I pray for all infertile women each day, but that I pray for a small number of women by name, and you are one of them. I hope that someday soon all this collective praying (other bloggers and myself) for you will bring about your Easter.

Life In Mazes said...

I told Mrs. Blondies are few weeks ago that I remembered a time when I would refuse to get close to other IF couples because of this very reason. I knew they would all get to their miracles before us! Over time that changes, praise God, but there was always pain when I felt passed by. I mean, it seems like forever for 9 1/2 years, I know others who have been faithful and hopeful even longer, but sometimes it just plain hurts even though your happy for the others - there is still a longing in your own soul.

Praying for you and for all still waiting! I feel like I am still waiting, I don't feel like there is really a safe zone, if you know what I mean!