Sunday, April 11, 2010

Total Meltdown

Wow, I did not expect this.

I thought with Easter, I was in a new, refreshed, re-charged place. I thought all the pain of 2010 and of Lent had passed me, only to have made me stronger.

But I have had a complete and total meltdown.

I suppose it started with my 168th BFN. I am having a very, very difficult time accepting the fact that not only is everyone else of normal fertility around me "allowed" to become pregnant, but now it's very nearly every single person I know with infertility, too. Some blessed by adoption. Others with pregnancy. Still others, both. And all the while God continues to pass me over, to bless those who are already blessed.

Yes, I'm a sinner. Yes, I'm suffering jealousy, anger, bitterness, even hatred towards myself and my body, and my husband. (Yes, I've been taking this out on my husband, and we've had a gigantic fight which left me crying myself to sleep and going to church by myself today without my wedding rings.)

I just want to understand why. Why do I feel like I am in hell when supposedly my "Resurrection" was so near? WHY NOT ME??? Am I so much a sinner that You have seen it fit to divinely intervene and sterilize me, as well as make it impossible to become a mother in ANY OTHER MANNER???

Two of my infertility clients are pregnant, one of whom came to me after 2 failed IVFs. She just had her surgery with Dr S. The other has been treated solely by my NaPro Dr (not surgeon). While I am honestly thrilled with this news and how these women will continue to spread the good news of Creighton and NaPro, I must also admit that it is driving me insane. All of the pregnancy announcements on these blogs have likewise made me stop in my tracks and PRAISE the good name of the Lord for answering all of these prayers.

But why am I still here?? Forgotten and abandoned, watching other infertiles grow their families as my life is destroyed before my very eyes?

I cannot get pregnant. I cannot adopt. I cannot foster.

And I shouldn't be concerned about how I'll be in heaven with no children... because the way I have been behaving, I will surely not be there myself.

Deliver me of this, O Lord. On this Divine Mercy Sunday, please show unto me Your Divine Mercy - - have mercy on me, a sinner, and deliver me from this torturous suffering. I cannot survive it any longer.

31 comments:

prayerfuljourney said...

I can relate to your words in a huge way...you are NOT alone! I guess I just had to let it go(this is my way of handling the pain). I don't know what God has in store for you...I have no idea what He has in store for me either but I do know He wants us to live joyfully and praise Him for all that we have now. I'm leaving the future to Him. My dh and I had plenty of fights over IF issues...but since we let it go and gave it to GOd..we are peace and don't fight over that. Please know you are not alone and you are being prayed for. God Bless.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I went to confession yesterday and in regards to some issues around our miscarriages, etc., the priest sent me into a tizzy with these words "Stop grasping. Let God be God." Ouch, painful, hurting, tear soaked, ouch. He then went on to say that maybe the Lord has brought me to this point because it was the only way I would utterly depend on him and him alone (or something to that effect). I have known this priest for years and in fact went to spiritual direction with him a few years ago. He has this uncanny knack for reaching in and making me face all the fallacies and lies that I build up about myself (aka insecurities, etc.) He then spent the rest of the confession pouring out such words of hope, mercy, and love, that I was a crying mess when I left the confessional and I truly felt that I was touched by an encouter with Christ personally. I don't know if this has anything to do with your situation, but I just wanted to say that there is HOPE, that God is working in the darkness, yes, the waiting, the wondering, the hoping, the yada, yada, yada all seems for not. I don't know if you or I or anyone else for that matter will be blessed with children, I don't have a crystal ball. But I am getting the sense more and more that this is something larger than us as individuals, that this suffering isn't for naught and one day we will be graced with the understanding that it was worth it. Practically, does that make it any easier now...NOT ONE BIT. But, it is almost darkest before the dawn...your Resurrection IS COMING! I am heading off to Divine Mercy devotions this afternoon and I will light a candle for you. You are in my prayers. St. Faustina, pray for us!

Erin said...

I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I will pray for you this evening at mass.

Chasing said...

I'm so sorry. I want so badly for you to be delivered from this and your arms be filled. Please know of my prayers...always.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and I will be praying for you! I know what you mean about all the pregnancies--it seems like it's everywhere! Hardly a day goes by that I don't hear of some new who's expecting, or who just had their baby, etc. Sometimes it feels like God is doing the Oprah show--"you get a baby! And you get a baby! And you get a baby!" and I'm just not in that studio audience.

I have a similar Confession story, like JBTC--I was telling the priest about how, with all this IF stuff, I get so upset and angry with God, and then I get mad at myself for getting mad at God, and then I feel even worse, and he said to me (I'm paraphrasing), "Skip the part where you get mad at yourself. You're human, and this kind of thing hurts and it's normal to feel angry and upset. Don't get mad at yourself for having normal feelings. God can handle your anger, better than anybody on earth can. He can take your anger and transform it into something else."

But the Lord never lets those who trust in Him suffer in vain--your suffering is working toward a greater good, even if neither your nor I nor anyone knows what that is or how long it will be before we see it. But you WILL see it, of that I am certain. As the Lord's painful footsteps on the path of Calvary led to the unfathomable glory of the Resurrection, so the painful steps you walk beside him on your own Calvary lead you toward your own as yet unknown glory.

allyouwhohope said...

I am SO sorry you are experiencing this. Please know that I will never forget the prayers you offered so selflessly for me at St. Gianna's feast day Mass last year, as well as before and since that night. I believe God used your suffering this past year as an offering for so many of us and I believe it helped to lead me to Clara and for that I am eternally grateful. You are such a beautiful, kind, faithful soul and I am certain God has not abandoned you. Remember the message God gave me at adoration last fall when it seemed like all hope was lost - He loves us and has not abandoned us. I have been praying for you a lot this weekend and will continue to do so.

Life In Mazes said...

I am so sorry your are so beaten down right now. I prayed for you by name this morning in Mass. I do beleive that God has a way of placing certain people on our hart and you and your intentions have been on mine for about a week. Know that you ARE being covered in prayer!

Sew said...

Look sweet cakes, these girls are on fire with great advice!

But I can tell you, you took these little catholic IF blogs where we whine and moan and turned them into something deeper.

Your prayer buddy idea has been out of this world. You are even doing God's work under your darkest moments. You can't see the light that radiates from your beautiful soul, but I can see it.

Your suffering pains my heart but I will tell you again, on the outside looking in it is beautiful. There is a light around you that radiates.

I promise (to try) to help lift up my end of the cross and help you more!

I love the advice that God can handle your anger and your humanity. It is within our weakness that He is made strong.

God is doing great work in you and you can tell that by the dark night of your soul.

So hold on tight to his mercy, reach out to him in your agony, give him your suffering....And know I love you like a sister (yes, I'm in 3rd grade) and I'm hugging you in prayer.

barbie said...

oh wow, I'm so sorry. I had to go to confession myself today, because of my anger and jealousy toward "fertiles" I pray for you daily. hugs to you and know that we love you very much.

Cathy said...

I'm so sorry.

Please just know that every single one of us thought of (and most did - I know I sure did) writing the exact same post on our own blogs at one time or another. I never will forget the tears that fell when I wrote my meltdown post.

My Lord, if I had to look at another Mother-of-Seven-and-Holy-Crap-is-She-Knocked-Up-AGAIN?! at church I was going to strangle a kitten.

I'm praying for you.

Leila said...

I am so, so sorry. You deserve a baby more than anyone. I know your time is coming, but that doesn't make it better right now. I'm going to step up my prayers and sacrifices. You will be a mom.

Trustful Surrender said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you will be lifted up through all our prayers.

Sissy said...

I had a moment yesterday myself. My close friend is due any day now with a little girl and I wasn't jealous until she started talking about how excited her husband was getting and how he was driving around with the carseat in the car. That was when I lost it. When we were supposed to get the baby last year, Charlie was so happy about being a daddy. So I had this meltdown, jealous of this friend, who had struggled with IF too. Sigh. We all have these moments of humanity. They aren't pretty, are they?

I guess I keep praying that if God doesn't intend for me to be a mother, he'll take the desire away.

JellyBelly said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You're right, it isn't fair AT ALL. You're a wonderful person and so worthy of becoming a mother.

I'm going to step up my prayers for you!

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

My heart aches so much after reading this post. For you and for the fact that nothing I can say will help. You know it all in your head already-it just doesn't translate to your heart. At least that's how I feel most of the time. I will be praying for you specifically over the next several days to try and help you get through this. What is your real name? I only know you as TCIE and want to pray for you by name. Email it to me if you want-k.alfermann@gmail.com

Shannon said...

you be gentle with yourself, ok?
you have a lot to deal with and it's certainly not easy.

You were on my mind at Mass today, especially when I looked over and saw a statue of St. Therese

LifeHopes said...

I pray for you every single day.

I realize there is nothing - not one word - that I can say to make you feel better in this moment.

It just is NOT fair and yet it seems like He has not stepped in to deliver you from this cross. I do know that your day will come, this time of suffering will end, and joy will cometh in the morning (ok, God, can you go ahead and bring along the morning already?)

I do think - in an odd and strange twist - that sometimes it can hurt even more acutely when those who suffer from IF conceive miraculously while others are seemingly "passed over."

I myself still struggle with this and have to remind myself that His plan for that person doesn't look anything like His plan for me ... that His plan for me is for me alone and is no less beautiful.

I promise to continue to pray that your time comes soon, and that in the meantime you will be sustained by immeasurable graces.

Percolating Petals said...

I wish there was something I could say or do to vault you out of this dark pit. You have every right to feel frusterated. Right now you remind me of Psalm 22, the one Jesus quoted the first line of while hanging from the cross. The psalm begins with "My God, My God, why have You abandoned me?" and ends with, "And I will live for the LORD; my descendants will serve you." (I've also heard the translation, "my children will serve you).

I pray that the end of Psalm 22 will become your reality. Also, have you considered coming to visit me? No one will find you at my house. :)

Praying for Hope said...

I doubt you're behaving badly. In fact, I think you're behaving much better than I would be in the same situation. I remember being an absolute brat not too long ago and actually challenging God to prove me wrong in my sincere belief that He wasn't listening to me and that He certainly didn't care about me.

You're being human in your disappointment and frustration. It happens, and there is nothing wrong with it. Don't beat yourself up.

the misfit said...

I know what you mean about being left behind by everyone. For what it's worth, you're not alone. And how we might go on through this life with no kids, I don't know yet, but if that's how we're to do it, I have to hope that there will be a way (maybe even a good one). Some days I believe this a bit more than others.

Also, it's really none of my business, and I'm sure your husband is a wonderful man (and probably doesn't deserve most of whatever you said to him - I know mine never does), but it sounds like your living situation is just untenable. Not because you want to have babies, but because with a difficult medical condition and other challenges, being dependent for your income on someone ELSE's finances (in a bad economy, no less) makes it impossible for you to save or plan - someone outside your family is the head of your family. Which is a 100% non-starter as far as I can see. And living with his family, unable to have your own space, especially when they sound like rather difficult people - that's a cross, straight up. We all have to bear crosses for a time when we have no better choices (my dh and I had so many fights about our crummy apartment that was all we could afford!), but if they're burdening your lives and your marriage, getting out as soon as possible has to be a very high priority. Again, I don't know a lot of the details here, but it strikes me that if he really understood how much the current arrangement was burdening your ability to have a healthy marriage (with him, not his family business, as its head), then maybe you could change something. I feel like that might give you some peace that you've been needing.

I apologize, of course, for sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong. I hope I haven't offended you.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

misfit, you are 100% absolutely dead-on right. The wait recently (the past year) has been that our "house" is in negotiations... but the very fact that it's been a year since we started negotiating means it's time to look for another place for the time being.

You absolutely did not butt in :) I appreciate your sincere concern, and I agree with you. My HynoFertility therapist actually believed I had a mental block preventing me from getting pg while living in this environment. I have to say, I believe her. It is not healthy.

The issue now of course is finding a place where we can have dogs and cats. But yes, it should be and will be our top priority.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and advice. All of you have given me so much to think about and pray about.

I HATE being so beaten all the time. I'm not built for depression :(

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Oh, A. I can relate to your post. I know that all of our situations are unique... but it really does seem like a ton of IF gals have "crossed over" lately. While we rejoice in their joy and blessings, it's hard to not feel left behind. Why not us??

I will continue to lift you up in prayer.

WheelbarrowRider said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I was so hoping your Easter would last, but I understand. it all is a lot to take. I know you are happy for everyone getting pregnant, and at the same time, the pain it brings you. Honestly, I think we all know if it came down to waiting, selflessnes, medical interventions and self advocacy, you'd be on the top of the list to have the next baby. I love what Sew said, she is dead on about your light and how you help others admidst your sorrow. You have been a huge help to me and so many and are so selfless with your time, despite being crazy busy. I am sending prayers and hugs out to you!

mrsblondies said...

I hope you are able to get your living situation sorted out soon, since you agree with Misfit that that's a big part of the reason that you are dealing with so much stress. I think we all understand feeling left behind, especially when other IF ladies get their miracles. As Sew said, you are definitely reflecting God's grace onto us, even in your dark times. I'll be praying that your Easter feelings return soon.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I'm so sorry, I want you to know that you are in my prayers, and I will be doing a Novena to St. Joseph for you. I hope you find peace in whatever the Lord wants from you.

Sew said...

TCIE did you hear what Cathy said!!! hahahah Cathy you crack me up, strangle a kitten! I just love you!

Sew said...

Oh and I should live in the confessional ;)

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

Praying for you.

Cathy said...

Thinking about you and praying for you today...

the misfit said...

hello miss...you have been absent from blogland...are you OK???

Grace in my Heart said...

Just read this- praying for you A. I hope you're feeling better!