Wednesday, April 14, 2010

SO READY for St Gianna's Feast Day

Some of you have noticed I've been mia. Yup. That's what happens when I'm depressed, I rarely post.

I hate depressing posts. I feel like such a hypocrite when I only have sad and depressing posts full of anguish - I feel like I should re-name the blog "This Cross I Resent."

Speaking of the cross, I am starting to see just how powerful St. Gianna's intercession can be. I may have doubted at one time that she took me up on my offer last year, but now? It's pretty hard to deny when you lay out all the facts. I'm still praying AWFULLY hard for those of you who have yet to be blessed through pregnancy, adoption, or foster care... but I am ready to hand in my cross.

On the 28th, I will be attending the same Feast Day Mass where, last year, I asked St Gianna to allow me to carry the cross for my friends if they could become mothers before me. (Silly me, I thought that translated to, "I'll carry the cross LONGER," but not "I'll carry a HEAVIER cross." Turns out when you add several crosses to your own, it does indeed get heavier.)

I am on CD 2 today, and yesterday before I began to bleed I was on the verge of tears in my NaPro Dr's office. She was doing a pH test of my hoo-ha (which, by the way, was perfect), and asking how I was doing, and I lost it. She recommended I take a break with just the "bare minimum" meds to keep me healthy and sustain any pregnancies. We narrowed it down to Metformin, Naltrexone, and post-Peak prometrium. Although I know that I wouldn't be able to implant OR sustain a pregnancy without all the other things I'm taking, so it's almost silly to take the prometrium. (My NaPro Dr said she's "not convinced" I need all of those things in order to implant. I'm torn.)

But Dr Steg.man feels like my last cycle was so good, I should stick with that protocol for a couple more cycles at least. Yesterday, I was ready to give up. Today, I'm back in the saddle and ready to start injecting myself again tomorrow night.

So onward and forward to another Follistim/Intralipids/Lovenox/prednisone cycle.

Ironically, I will be ovulating around the time of St Gianna's Feast Day.

But I've learned NOT to make any assumptions. Not when it comes to me and my dysfunctional body.

Thanks to everyone for the comments on my meltdown post. I'm trying so hard to not let this destroy me, but knowing that "the end" is in sight is just so scary. 2 more cycles. That's it. And then? Nothing. No adoption. No foster care. Just living without kids.

The thing is, it's not the living without kids that freaks me out the most. It's the living without trying to GET kids. I don't know how to NOT try. It will be interesting.

And, I fear, depressing.

:(

25 comments:

Shannon said...

I'm with you, sweetie. I don't post when I'm depressed either.....
can't wait for the feast day! We'll feast together :)

allyouwhohope said...

Why is it just two more cycles? I must have missed that. Listen... God is bigger than that. Of course it's fine to help things along with medications and procedures, but he is bigger than all of that. He can - and does - move mountains. I know it can hurt to hope. I know. But I believe for you. Anything is possible with God.

Leila said...

Okay, this is a call to arms for the rest of us who love you, girlfriend! We need to lift those crosses off your shoulders for at least the next two cycles (is that okay if we do?), and we need to carry them for you and for your intentions. When you had such a great cycle, this is definitely not the time to quit! I agree with AYWH: Anything is possible for God, and He has surely not forgotten you, one of His most faithful daughters!

By the way, your sense of humor still comes through...
"This Cross I Resent" made me smile! :)

Leila said...

PS: Here is a handy-dandy novena to St. Gianna if any of you ladies would like to join me in a novena for TCIE's intentions. I've already printed out my copy. :)

http://www.saintgianna.org/novena.htm

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

You guys rock. And you ARE my rocks.

AYWH, 2 more cycles because I don't want to be on blood thinner and steroids for so long. I've been on Lovenox almost 1 year, (with only minimal breaks) and prednisone since August.

alliemich said...

tcie...the feeling of "not trying" is a hard thing to take. The trying or thinking of trying is what gets me (and most of us) through our days, I know I totally fixate on it - my diet, exercise, prayer, and of course the deed (lol). I hope you are happily unexpected this month even though you think you won't be ovulating on that day, maybe your cross can start to weigh less for you soon. I certainly hope and pray that for you guys.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I'm with Leila! We'll call in the blogger troops and lift up that cross...okay girls..1...2...3...hoist! TCIE, I've been on prednisone before and I hated it! I'll continue to pray for you...I know the Lord has great things in your future.

Sissy said...

It's hard to see you in such a rocky place, not knowing where to turn or what to do next. I know you aren't looking for pity. I feel your anguish through the computer and know that you are hurting. I understand what you are going through, not knowing how to NOT try. In all the waiting for our adoption, I have a hard time sitting here and doing nothing. Just waiting. I want to be proactive, but that's not what's required right now.

I'm trying to trust and not succeeding well. My husband finds it to be easy. Everything is so black and white for him. He believes God will give us a baby. I find it harder to believe at times.

This thing should be easier, shouldn't it?

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I've got my piece! It's not so heavy when we're all carrying together!

JellyBelly said...

First off, prednisone SUCKS!!! I was on it for quite a while when my colitis was really bad and I had a HUGE moon face (which will forever be remembered in my wedding photos, although it wasn't as bad as it was a couple months before). I was on it for so long at such a high dose that I had to go on meds to counteract my bone density loss.

I think about you offering to take up our cross of IF, for that I will be forever grateful since I know that I haven't been strong enough to do that myself.

I'm praying for you, I continue to pray for you (like I've said, you're one of the few that I mention by name!). Hopefully the both of us will get a break soon!

barbie said...

I'm in! You're carrying plenty and need a break! I cant' tell you how much I'm praying for you! Dont' give up!!!!

call if you want to talk

doctorgianna said...

I will be with you begging St. Gianna's intercession. She can do it. She is so powerful. I pray that your anxieties about the timeline are quieted and that God blesses you with a baby.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I'll be asking for St. Giana's intercesion for you! :)

Sew said...

I hope Leila doesn't get cancer! hahahahaha

Sorry TCIE- to TCIR! I'm pissing my pants crying over here....

And the reason I am up at 1130 at night and can not sleep is because I was supposed to start that novena today with you even though you didn't invite me to, that's okay I forgive you.. Text me every day and remind me to do it with you! ;)

I want this cross gone for you too....Sorry I didn't get back to your text's today...I was busy with the Mister. You don't text when your depressed either...At least not as often. :( I miss you. :(

Leila said...

Sew, ha ha ha! I hadn't thought of that!! I hope getting cancer is not required in this group in order to lift a cross from a sister's back!! :)

Praying for Hope said...

I hope one way or another the cross lightens soon. A childless life, if it comes to that, is not a bad life. It certainly has its benefits. It was the life my husband and I were seriously contemplating when our little moment came. It really depends on what you choose to make of it. I think DH and I were lucky in that we know quite a few older, childless couples who are perfectly content with their lives.

On the otherhand, you could find yourself with a little surprise on your hands . . .

Whatever you happens, the direction you go will be the best one.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I feel for you. I think about stopping and I’m not sure how to stop trying either. Do you just ignore the signs you’ve been fixated on for years? I’m not sure. I hope it doesn’t come to that and these next 2 months give you hope.

Tridentine Wife said...

I read your last post and I just wanted to say that I'm praying for you. I'm not always the best at telling ppl I'll pray for them and actually doing it but I'm prayinng for an end to your suffering right now as I type this. I also wanted to say that no matter how bad it gets, you will always have good people around you who are here for you. I know we're not in the same boat in terms of the crosses we bear, but I am here for venting purposes.

I'm glad you went to Mass, that right there shows your amazing strength and faith.

mrsblondies said...

I'm praying for you, and just try to remember how many people are also lifting you up in prayer and carrying the crosses with you.

WheelbarrowRider said...

I think you are smart to have an end point-you have done so much and have to be exhausted. An end point is scary b/c trying is all we've known and focused on, and you are so damn good at it!, but you have so much awesome energy, intelligence, passion, and faith, I can't imagine what amazing thing lies ahead that you will put all of that into. It will be like retirement for the career-minded, uncomfortable at first, but before you know it you will sleeping in, golfing, and being a world traveler (you know what I mean). I know you will find a niche that suits you and then you won't be able to imagine going back to the torment and roller coaster. All of that is if you don't get pregnant. I am glad you are sticking it out another few cycles because really you've come so far and you have to give it some time. There is a very decent chance it will work. So hang in there, give it your all for the next few months, and then see where you are at. I know that all of this, and however it ends, will be for the best. Always hardest to see when you are in the midst of it. I am thrilled about St. Gianna's feast day. I think it is fair to say you are ready to lighten your load and who can blame you?! Prayers going out for you, starting the Gianna noevena! Also, check my blog soon-still getting my friend to write the guest blog about successfully and peacefully no longer ttc (after 7 years).

the misfit said...

Hey, if it weren't a CROSS, there would be nothing noteworthy about EMBRACING it. If it were cause to be lighthearted, you could name it "This Puppy I Embrace" or something. (And have I quoted the "despising its shame" epistle line twenty times in blog comments already in 2010? Oh, I have? OK, never mind then.)

So anyway - writer's block I understand, and busy-ness too, but I formally request that you not avoid posting because you think what you have to say is depressing. Maybe it's only me (a lot of things are), but if people post the doldrums of IF, I feel like I have a connection to another human. Because I've been there. Not, of course, that I want people to be unhappy, but that I know this is part of our reality, and I think there is enormous value in being just blatantly honest about it. For this reason: because all of us are often ashamed that we are unhappy. There may be some spiritual failings along the way that make some days harder than they were intended to be, but make no mistake: they were not intended to be easy. A suffering infertile is not a "bad" infertile, she's a REAL infertile. At least, that's how I see it. And that's meant as no condemnation of those who are able to maintain a consistently upbeat attitude - I just think that's not usual, or required (except where that grace has been specifically meted out). So anyway...yeah. I guess that's enough ranting for me for now. I think you get my point.

Maria Therese said...

I often feel sad and discouraged over this whole infertility/endometriosis
thing too. St. Gianna is one of my favorite Saints! I have been praying asking her to please intercede for us to be able to have a baby for almost three years now. I would love so much to be able to go to St. Gianna's Feast Day Mass in PA, but due to our jobs and $$$ we are unable to go this year. Could you PLEASE pray for me at the shrine? Please know I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers!!

Much love and hugs to you!

Love,
Maria

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Maria, you'll be at the top of my prayer list :)

Mrs. Farmer said...

I have stumbled upon your blog and I'm ever so glad I did. In the last few weeks I have been researching NaPro Tech. And I even found the St. Gianna website. I feel so blessed to have found a group of young Catholic infertiles. I'm somewhat lost I guess I should say in my faith and my beliefs. But reading your blog is helping me sort though a lot of my feelings toward our church and infertility. I would love to help relieve the burden of this cross. You shouldn't always feel like you should carry so much of it. Share the load. And if you are going to St. Gianna's mass would you include a small prayer for me? Just this week I got my medal from the shrine in the mail. I wish I were closer to PA so that I could go. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. God bless and you will be in my thoughts and prayers this cycle.

lowly said...

I was praying the other morning and read this...I thought of you right away...shame on me for not telling you until now:

"When the soul is in the shadows of Gethsemane,
All alone in the bitterness of pain,
It ascends towards the heights of Jesus...
When the soul does the will of the Most High God,
Even amidst constant pain and torments,
Having pressed its lips to the chalice proffered,
It becomes might, and nothing will daunt it.

Though toruted, it repeats: Your will be done,
Patiently awaiting the moment ot its transfiguration,
For, though in deepest darkeness, it hears the voice of Jesus: You are Mine.
And this it will know fully when the veil falls."
-St. Faustina

TCIE, your transfiguration is coming. I know it.