Saturday, March 6, 2010

This Blog Needs a Makeover

I had another truly bad day today. Just emotionally; nothing "happened" (thank God), but I was just not doing well. With the wonderful outreach of friends (many of whom I've never even met in real life), I was able to start taking one day at a time again, and things were slowly looking up. But today it seems like I've slid back down.

I remember not so long ago when I would read blogs of people who were always depressed, and I would try to steer clear of them. I do not want to become one of those blogs! That has never been the purpose of this blog, and more importantly, that is not the purpose of my suffering. My suffering should not be solely a means to depress the ever-living crap out of me. I'm better than that. I know I am. I can rise above this. I have to.

I have begun reading "He and I" by Gabrielle Bossis, which a dear friend sent to me in my darkest hour. So far (and I'm only on the 3rd page), it is really speaking to me. I can only hope this is the inspiration I need to get out of this funk and back to the woman I have always been. I don't handle this "depressed" stuff well.

I also want to publicly thank Leila, who sent me an email that I needed to read exactly at that moment. In response to my fears about embarking on Foster Care if it wasn't truly the path meant for me, she reminded me that God gave us free will- and as long as what we are choosing is good and holy, He will be pleased in any path we choose. I had worked myself up so much, believing that if Foster Care was not the path for us, God would once again "close that door," which apparently others agreed with, too. But where would that leave me, with every other door closed?

I'm beginning to believe that our "calling" to Foster Care was in fact the struggles we've recently been dealt. I believe God knew that this was the only way I would research Foster Care, and consider it an option. And the more I pray about it, the more it makes sense that moreso than any other route to parenthood, Foster Care is NOT ABOUT US. My feelings that my pursuing Foster Care would somehow take away from the fact that others have received a clear calling to it were silly, therefore, because there are so many children in the system who need stable living environments. Unlike adoption, the ratio is definately more kids than parents. Where once I didn't believe I'd be strong enough to love and nurture a child like my own only to give them back to their biological parents... now, after everything we've been through, I know that I can survive even that which seemed impossible to me in the past.

I've been feeling very guilty about my lack of commitment to Lent this year, and to my Prayer Buddy, due to this depression. From here on out, I vow to make the sacrifice NOT to concentrate on my sadness but to work towards rebuilding hope - and this will be a sacrifice I make for my Prayer Buddy. (Because, let's face it, it is SO much easier to lose oneself in depression and just give up than it is to remain hopeful.)

16 comments:

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Great post! Hang in there, there are a lot of us pulling for you! I hope you have a JOYFUL Sunday! God Bless!

Kaitlin said...

I too have been concentrating on trying to rebuild my hope lately. I found comfort in this passage from Romans 5:3-5. Maybe it will help you as well. Many prayers!

Chasing said...

I'm waiting for God to stop closing doors around you and open the big a** window He's got for you! ;-)

Erin said...

You have really been through a lot. Try not to be so hard in yourself, of course depressed feelings would result from your life events. I know that you would make a fabulous foster parent. Fabulous. God does bring good through all things.

kcmarie122 said...

I'm sorry you have still been feeling down. It is COMPLETELY understandable. But I also understand the feelings of wanting to get out of that pit. I will definitely be praying for you and I hope you can soon find that hope you are looking for!

and BTW, I think your attitude about foster care is spot on. It's about the kids! Who cares what your original motivation was, those kids need someone who's willing to go through that to help them! I think the fact that you are even open to it says that it's something God wants you to look into. And I for one, can't wait to see where He leads you!

BIG HUGS!

Leila said...

It is such a privilege for all of us to be Simon of Cyrene for you, helping you to carry the burden of your Cross, in whatever small way. Thank you for allowing us to do so. You are an amazing Christian.

prayerfuljourney said...

I know God has asked my dh and I to explore foster care as well...it's tough. IT is about the children...we are still praying about that path. Maybe when I'm done with school..we can look into it more.

I love your honest posts...sometimes it's pretty easy to know what God wants you to do..sometimes it is not so easy. He can be pretty quiet, can't He? Hopefully, He'll give you a glimpse of the plan He has set forth for you.

Don't be concerned about having a depressing blog...I know I've posted some depressing stuff..this is a place to let every feeling out...this is a place for release. IF is hard, it's raw..sometimes we just need a place to express ourselves when we have no where else to turn. I have very few people IRL who have a clue what kind of suffering I've had to endure with my IF. I like my blog to be a "happy" place too. Sometimes I just have to release...and it's funny...but when I opened up and released..that's when I got the most comments probably because most readers can relate. My "everyday" stuff gets a few reviews. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Shannon said...

You have such a dear and beautiful faith. I always feel like I'm entering a sacred place when I come over to your blog. Your suffering is real; be gentle with yourself and this agony in the garden that you are experiencing. Keeping you in prayer....

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I learn a lot from how honest your posts are. This is a painful journey and while there are beautiful moments of grace along the way, the suffering is very real and brutal to witness (as most of our husbands know). I, myself, struggle with being honest on my blog and when I do have a down post, I move quickly to try and get a happy one up. I’m not sure that is the most honest, healthy way to handle the down times. I am constantly second guessing myself, if I am following God’s Will, if I am making the best treatment decisions, etc. It helps, in some way, to see that others share those struggles. I am not sure I would have much in common with someone who just *knew* instantly the right thing to do/attitude to have at every step of the way. And really, we need to know where you are and how you’re doing. You are always in my prayers, but sometimes you need extra prayers.

And Leila is the best!

JellyBelly said...

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. I believe that you're going to come out of this suffering to find great, great joy.

Hugs and prayers for you!!!

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry that you are still having such a rough time right now. The honesty of your posts is so wonderful and you are always so faithful.

Your attitude regarding foster care is great.

Thanks for the email. I'm glad you are out there praying for me.

Thankful said...

Thank you for sharing something that is so personal. It is more than an honor to know you and I am SO looking forward to meeting you IRL this week!

Praying for Hope said...

You're exactly right. Giving into the depression is so much easier. But although it's harder, fighting it and trying to remain hopeful are ever so much more rewarding.

callmemama said...

I'm sorry you're still having such a tough time right now. I hope that doors will open for you to continue with Foster Care. There are so many children out there who need the stable, loving home that you could provide!
I hope your husband's meeting went well...

LifeHopes said...

I agree with you that Leila's advice was spot on. In fact, it is very liberating for me to hear also.

I really believe that even if you have to pick yourself back up a thousand times over again, just to fall again ... keep picking yourself back up. God will take you the rest of the way, but with our decision to keep believing, keep searching for the good in this life, I know He will bring it to us and we cannot miss it when we have the eyes to see it.

I have been praying extra hard for you and cannot wait to see whats around the bend ...

Living Advent said...

Awesome post! Exactly what I needed to read tonight. I know I don't know you that well but I can totally see you as a foster mom. Al we have to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep talking to God.